General chatter - When should a girl plan a date with a guy...




Dybbuk
03-03-2014, 03:03 PM
I normally wouldn't post such a personal thread but I'm sailing unknown waters and need some advice desperately.

I'm a 26 yr old woman, I started seeing this guy last month via an online dating service and we met for the first time about a week ago and subsequently have had three dates. All three of those dates, he pursued me and asked me out/planned where we would go/etc. He's been very polite, respectful and best of all not intrusive. Truth be told I've never dated/been in a relationship/been serious with anyone before so I'm really just relying on advice from others to get me through this; unknown to him he was my first kiss (3rd date...tried not to jump the gun) so that might give you some perspective on how single I've been in my life lol. I'm aware there's a stigma when it comes to women who haven't been with anyone; that they've got the delusional veil over their eyes and see wedding bells/babies in the future with the first guy that's nice to them. This stigma intensifies when it comes to women who were previously overweight. (This btw came out of a few guy's mouths after they asked me very early on how many relationship's I've been in...etc and then soon lost interest when they heard the truth.) I'm not an idiot, I understand that lots of relationships have to fail before you figure out what you want... however I do want to have some some positive experiences as well.

Anyway, I do like him, but part of me is still battling the anxiety of coming off as desperate or too eager. He's a busy guy and has a demanding work schedule, so I've allowed him to set the times to fit with his schedule. So my question is... he's planned 3 dates for us, shown his interest to me... is it uncouth to ask him out on a date at this point? I've tried reading articles online but they all say different things. "Women who pursue men set the tone he's not the leader, men like women who are the aggressor, sign you're woman wants you"...and other nonsense. I'd like to just be upfront that I also have an interest in him as well so he doesn't feel like he's doing all the leg work and I'm just sitting back waiting for him to come to me, but again he's busy so I would hate to be a pest at the same time... Any help would be appreciated!!!! :^:


nelie
03-03-2014, 03:19 PM
Well my advice is figure out something interesting to you and suggest it to him like...

Hey I saw that movie x is playing, have you seen it? Would you like to go?
Then based on the response, ask about his availability or even say when you are available.

It doesn't have to be a movie, it could be anything: ice skating, bike riding, visiting a museum, whatever.

Another option is invite him over or ask about going to his place to make dinner together and maybe watch some tv. Now the only problem with this approach is he may think it is an invitation to more. It really depends on the guy.

Is it ok to do this? Certainly. Obviously you should try to show your interests and see how you guys mesh on those.

Munchy
03-03-2014, 03:27 PM
Well my advice is figure out something interesting to you and suggest it to him like...

Hey I saw that movie x is playing, have you seen it? Would you like to go?
Then based on the response, ask about his availability or even say when you are available.

It doesn't have to be a movie, it could be anything: ice skating, bike riding, visiting a museum, whatever.

DEFINITELY!


krampus
03-03-2014, 03:36 PM
If he pursued 3 dates with you and kissed you on the 3rd date it's safe to say he's definitely interested in a 4th.

You're not pestering him unless you invite him out and then ask 30 minutes later if he got your message and contact him a bunch of times without hearing from him. If anything, you asking him out will show you're really interested and excited about seeing him!

kisskiss
03-03-2014, 03:36 PM
I was in your exact shoes a year ago! I started online dating in February and I was at about your weight as well. I also had barely kissed a boy and had never gone on more than like one or two dates at that point. Eerie how similar we are! :D

go for it! after 3 dates, you can definitely be the one to set something up. I totally had the same worries last year when I started dating online. Just take the plunge and go for it. It may lead to something, and it may just be an experience that leads you to a better guy. You'll get more confidence as you keep dating (at least I did).

Dybbuk
03-03-2014, 04:40 PM
@nelie & Munchy: Thank you for the advice! I'm not sure we are to the point at being in each others dwelling space... I think it might be misconstrued as a sign to be more intimate... but I will try to think of maybe inviting him along to something I'd enjoy. ^^

@krampus: Thank you so much for the response!!! Ahhh see I would hate to be a nightmare clinger like you described in your second statement. In fact I probably have the opposite problem where I want to avoid being so needy that I may come off as distant. By inviting him out I was hoping to show that I was interested... so your words really did soothe my fears. :)

@kisskiss: Eerie indeed how similar we are!!! haha if anything though it kinda gives me relief someone similar in my position has lived through it and enjoying the other side. After many positive responses to this to ask him out I will do it today. After all... if things don't work it just paves the way to meet someone else more suited to me. ^_^ Thank you for your response!!

Wannabeskinny
03-04-2014, 10:59 AM
Of course you can call him and invite him out. Well done you, he's obviously interested and I might say that it is because you've let him be the pursuer. But now I would say you have some freedom to invite him out, even insist on paying.

My advice is to invite him to an activity rather than vaguely saying you want to go out again sometime. If there's something he knows you like to do such as hiking or dancing or seeing movies or whatever interests you have, invite him along. "I'm heading to the local museum this weekend, there's this awesome exhibit I'm going to see, wanna come along?" He may say no based on scheduling but he'll see the invite and hopefully something else will be planned.

Don't fret about the experience or the first kiss stuff. That will never be any of his business. I've been with the same man for 10yrs, he has no clue about when I lost my virginity, how many people I've been with, who I was with before, or any of that and I really don't know much about him either. What does it matter really??

LilDazed
03-04-2014, 01:54 PM
Ask him to do something girl! =D He'll probably get a kick out of it. Especially if it's something he wouldn't have thought up himself. Haha.

Also- no stress on the kiss thing. It's not a race. :p Silly hormones.

MamaChelsey
03-04-2014, 03:50 PM
I would definitely ask him to go do something, he seems interested!

AwShucks
03-07-2014, 12:46 AM
Well, what happened? I'm dying to know how he responded. Do tell!

Waterbunny77
03-07-2014, 10:43 AM
I think it's a good time to ask him. What I do though is ask him to come over for dinner that I make! I always make sure I make something I'm known for that I know I can't screw up :)

SouthernMaven
03-07-2014, 12:31 PM
Anyway, I do like him, but part of me is still battling the anxiety of coming off as desperate or too eager. He's a busy guy and has a demanding work schedule, so I've allowed him to set the times to fit with his schedule. So my question is... he's planned 3 dates for us, shown his interest to me... is it uncouth to ask him out on a date at this point? I've tried reading articles online but they all say different things. "Women who pursue men set the tone he's not the leader, men like women who are the aggressor, sign you're woman wants you"...and other nonsense. I'd like to just be upfront that I also have an interest in him as well so he doesn't feel like he's doing all the leg work and I'm just sitting back waiting for him to come to me, but again he's busy so I would hate to be a pest at the same time... Any help would be appreciated!!!! :^:

I rarely even come to the "general chatter" but for some inexplicable reason this thread's headline popped up in my view.

As a 62 year old woman I doubt you want to hear what I have to say, as I suspect you may not feel it's relevant. But here goes anyway.

First of all, this guy sounds like a keeper! I know it's still early, but so many young men now don't even know how to woo a woman. I'm impressed that you haven't had to be more forward.

Question - do you feel that you must ask him out because you're afraid he might lose interest if you don't? Let me assure you that is not the case. You've already gone out with him three times, right? What else do you need to do? If he's still interested, he'll ask you out again. If he isn't, he won't.

You said part of me is still battling the anxiety of coming off as desperate or too eager.

Well there's your answer.

Don't overthink this. Go with your gut. If you're uncomfortable asking him out, don't.

Be demure. Men find it VERY attractive.

Dybbuk
03-08-2014, 12:34 AM
Hey everyone!!! Thank you all so much for your input.... I finally followed the majority of advice here and invited him out to a place he likes to go (and suggested to bring his cute dog so he could also get a walk in)... which he was disappointed that I had to make him wait until the end of the week (I had to work a lot) ^^; So I think he was happy I wanted to see him again.

We had our 4th date tonight and ended up spending the whole afternoon together. I paid for the meal this time, to reciprocate his generosity which he was gracious to accept, and then refused to let me pay dessert. :P We had a great time, and I think him knowing I have just as much interest in him as he does in me kinda helped us get closer and comfortable with one another. I've never gotten close to anyone before so I'm inept at reading the signs so I'm glad he's the taken the lead most of the way, but I'm really happy I put aside my anxiety for a sec and asked him out. While I'm trying very hard not to read into things too seriously, I had mentioned I'll be away at a conference in September this year, which he replied how disappointed he was since that was around his birthday... and I suppose I never realized he feels comfortable with the thought of seeing each other long term... Anyway, everyone's advice did give me a lot of things to think about and consider, and ultimately make a 'move' and show him that I'm still interested and have been 'wooed' successfully. lol!

I really like him a lot, and for the time being hoping we can continue to see one another. :)


@Wannabeskinny: Thank you for the words of wisdom! I suppose you're right, it doesn't matter too much... now that I think about it. I suppose the only thing I ever would disclose is that I'm a virgin IF we get to that stage of the relationship. But other than that...ya don't need to delve that far into the past.

@SouthernMaven: Thank you for your advice, and no worries... if anything at 62 you've experienced far more than I know so I'm all open to hearing different viewpoints. I was not afraid that if I didn't ask him out he'd lose interest... but if I didn't ask him out, he'd take it as a sign that I wasn't interested in him. He planned 3 dates for me, and asked me out for each of those... and I just didn't want him to feel like I was expecting him to make the move each time. I understand that's part of the courtship process, but I guess I'd hate for him to feel like I didn't feel it was worth my time/interest to make him feel like I also desired to spend time with him. ^^; Especially since he's literally had to make time for me (took a day off work) to see me. I think he's an absolutely great guy, and I'm definitely one that is not always forward with how I feel because I am really shy... so I'm grateful he's taking such a lead and 'wooing' me lol. He still definitely takes the lead when we are together, but I guess I'm trying to meet him part of the way so he doesn't feel like he has to do all this work to keep MY interest. ^^ Hope that makes sense, but thank you for your viewpoint on this. You're very right though... I have to remind myself that if there is interest he will make sure we see each other. :)

Wannabeskinny
03-08-2014, 08:03 AM
Sounds promising, well done!

SouthernMaven
03-08-2014, 10:24 AM
@SouthernMaven: Thank you for your advice, and no worries... if anything at 62 you've experienced far more than I know so I'm all open to hearing different viewpoints. I was not afraid that if I didn't ask him out he'd lose interest... but if I didn't ask him out, he'd take it as a sign that I wasn't interested in him. He planned 3 dates for me, and asked me out for each of those... and I just didn't want him to feel like I was expecting him to make the move each time. I understand that's part of the courtship process, but I guess I'd hate for him to feel like I didn't feel it was worth my time/interest to make him feel like I also desired to spend time with him. ^^; Especially since he's literally had to make time for me (took a day off work) to see me. I think he's an absolutely great guy, and I'm definitely one that is not always forward with how I feel because I am really shy... so I'm grateful he's taking such a lead and 'wooing' me lol. He still definitely takes the lead when we are together, but I guess I'm trying to meet him part of the way so he doesn't feel like he has to do all this work to keep MY interest. ^^ Hope that makes sense, but thank you for your viewpoint on this. You're very right though... I have to remind myself that if there is interest he will make sure we see each other. :)

I am so glad it all worked out well, Dybbuk! Sounds as if things are on the right track, and I am definitely glad to hear that he is still taking the lead in most cases. I hope you don't think that I felt asking him out was wrong in any way - it's only wrong if you are horribly uncomfortable with it. I know he appreciates that by this gesture you are letting him know you are interested.

It's definitely a different world out there than when I was young and dating. Not saying it's bad, just different. This young man sounds as if he has no trouble taking the lead yet is also comfortable with you also doing so. Like I said previously, definitely a keeper!