General chatter - I don't understand men..




View Full Version : I don't understand men..


khat
02-18-2014, 10:22 AM
In the last few years I heard thousands of horror stories of men cheating, betraying their partners and just being selfish jerks in just about every aspect of their life.. Unfortunately, also my last relationship ended with him f-ing our mutual friend in our bed while I was away.. That was humiliating..
I don't understand why on earth do they have the need to do this.. In general, girls tend to give their men just about everything they want and more.. And still they betray and lie. What she doesnt know, can't hurt, right? I mean.. If you are not happy with who you are with or would rather be single, then the right thing is to call it quitts. You can't have both.. It's just not fair..
Anyway.. We have sirious problems with my current boyfriend. I dont know if he ever cheated, but as I know him, this might be a way of coping for him since we have a very difficult time lately.. :(
He was also always a classic example of an a-hole.. Apparently I "changed" him but I have my doubts about this.. People don't can't change so much.. So I sit here and I think.. Why do I keep up with this..? :(


nelie
02-18-2014, 11:09 AM
I'm sorry for the pain you have endured but it is part of human nature. Women lie, cheat, steal, etc as much as men. The thing in our society is that men are expected to 'sleep around' but women aren't so that might encourage men more than it does women or women keep it quieter.

If you are having problems in your current relationship, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, then I suggest seeking counseling. If you are being hurt emotionally, physically, etc and it has cycles of being good then being bad, the chances that it being bad more often is highly likely and I suggest getting out while you can.

And believe me, there are people out there that have similar relationship views as yourself, you just have to find them.

khat
02-18-2014, 01:39 PM
Thanks nelie for your support.
But just to explain.. this is not just some rant of the moment because of our problems. I am really sad people are cheating and just doing whatever they want no matter who gets hurt. I don't understand this. How can you say someone you love them and then the next chance you get, you cheat on them. I understand, open relationships and any kind of other arrangements BOTH agree to. But I don't understand why you would emotionally scar someone for life, just to pump your ego, or prove you still got it.. Or because you are just bored. Or whatever the reason..
Let's put it this way. I really hope he doesn't cheat on me, it would really break my heart completely.. But honestly.. I wouldn't be surprised if he would.
And this.. I find this just so terribly sad :'(


xRiotGirl
02-18-2014, 01:43 PM
Not all men are bad, just as not all women are good. The bottom line is you have to throw trash out...although I know that that is so much easier said than done. If I were you I would just listen to my gut. If you don't trust it there might be a reason why, and in any case until you feel like you can trust someone you probably shouldn't be with them in the first place. You also have to remember that it's a two way street in the way that he shouldn't be unfaithful to you, but you also shouldn't be expecting him to be unfaithful if he isn't.

I'm not a certified counselor or anything, this is just my two cents. But like I said, I would follow instinct and maybe in your case take a little 'me' time to get back to basics and let my heart and mind take a rest. Good luck, everyone deserves some good love in their life. :)

AwShucks
02-18-2014, 09:15 PM
I saw a bumper sticker on a car today that said "Real Men Keep Their Promises" and in the background, it had the words "I Do" -- made me wonder if the person driving was married, divorced, having relationship trouble, or even single. Couldn't see if it was a man or woman driving. Interesting that they thought enough of that sentiment to put it on their car....

Bellamack
02-18-2014, 09:24 PM
The older I get , the more I believe it isn't about their relationship with their wife or girlfriend ( husband or boyfriend). I really believe it is similar to animals, like dogs. It is a power thing. I also believe in the "mid -life" crisis, people panick and think they are missing something. Anyways, 32 yrs of marriage and going strong here! I hope you find the "right" person for you, you can't make people 'fit' & you can't make people love you. I believe people can love more than one person, there is all kinds of love.

shcirerf
02-19-2014, 12:28 AM
No one can "CHANGE" any one else.

They will be what they want to be.

As far as my man, been married 36 years. I do give sometimes, but sometimes, I have to give him the proverbial 2x4 to the back of the head and say, "HEY, I'm not your dang farm hand, I'm still a girl! Open the door for me! I'm a lady!

Just because I can drive the tractor, change my oil and tires, and so on, is no excuse for you to not treat me like a lady!

I'm not your MOTHER! I'm your WIFE! The mother of your children, grandmother to 4! And you will treat me with the respect and consideration I deserve!

You see, what I figured out is, sometimes it's ok to be nice, but sometimes, ya just gotta stand up and throw out the BS flag!

Women are all like touchy feely, OMG, feelings, tears, etc.

Men are direct! Make a point and move on.

So, Ya gotta be direct! If you don't like what's going on! Say so!

No tears, or drama, just the facts, if you continue with this behavior, I'm done!

You'd be surprised, how well being direct works! Most men are literal, point blank, facts.

They don't get all the female stuff, so beat them at their own game!

NemesisClaws
02-19-2014, 05:59 AM
I have three brothers, and within the span of one month's time, all three have had their wives/girlfriend cheat on them. I kid you not.

Their individual stories are too long to recount here, but the one lesson derived from all of this is this:

--Once you cross that line and cheat, all trust is gone. No matter how hard you try to save that relationship, that complete trust will never come back. You'll end up making yourself and him miserable because you're constantly comparing and wondering what he sees in someone else and how you can change to fit him. It's not worth it.

--Cheating to me, reveals a person's true feelings more than anything else. If they truly loved you, they would've had the strength of character to stand up to temptation and said move on, I'm taken.

This has been a long discussion in my household lately, with how our generations seem to not have many morals. With our society today, I guess it really shouldn't be that surprising, but it doesn't bode well for our future.

nelie
02-19-2014, 07:59 AM
I agree that it really doesn't have to do with the relationship for the most part but the insecurities of the person.

I can tell you that I know that my husband would never cheat on me. I can also tell you that I would never cheat on my husband. I think both of us would move on well before that but we are in it together.

Also I can say lack of trust will erode a relationship. If you don't trust your SO, then I think counseling may be in order to help you.

ReNew Me
02-19-2014, 08:32 AM
Here's a little secret, ladies, and I'm sorry you're not going to like it but it's the absolute truth: We get the kind of men we think, in our deepest heart, we deserve. We blind ourselves to their faults. We give ourselves excuses for behavior we wouldn't accept in any other person. We blow off the lies as a memory fault not manipulation. We choose to ignore their excuses for why they didn't call back or pick up when we called, not explaining why they were hours late, why they have another woman's perfume on their clothes. We give them that power by choosing to be blind and ignorant.

I've been married more years than single now. My dear husband is a beautiful human being who is truly kind and loving, compassionate and considerate and when I was a younger woman, when I was dating my first husband, I wouldn't have given this man a second look. It took me getting fed up with ten years of being married to a lying, abusive, manipulator to acknowledge that the definition of man didn't mean macho a**hole who bullied me and our son. When I was finally able to say to myself, with complete conviction, that I deserved to be with an honest, gentle, loving man, then I met my current husband.

I was an abused child. My father was a psychotic, unpredictable, lying, emotional and physical abuser. My mother and I both got beaten and screamed at regularly for the most unpredictable of reasons. I swore I would never have a man like that in my life again, never subject my child to that ... and yet my first serious boyfriend was bipolar, most of my boyfriends after him had some major, major character flaw (mainly cheating on someone which meant they were also lying) and my first husband was a near perfect duplicate of my father in many ways (he just never beat on me and hid the fact he hit our son). Figuring out that every adult relationship I had was just a replay of my father and I, that I was choosing to be with these men, in fact pursuing them, was kind of a shock to my system but I'm not much of a believer in coincidence. There was only one unchanging variable in these relationships with men who were so different from each other, coming from different life circumstances and being a wide range of ages, and that variable was me.

Accepting that I was the one who was choosing to be with these men, and acknowledging that as an adult I deserved honesty, unconditional love and respect, something I never received as a child, freed me from the cycle of abuse.

khat
02-20-2014, 06:39 AM
ReNew Me.. I disagree.. I have great parents who are still together and a great set of values because of them. I know I deserve better. He knows it too..
But in the beginning he tricked me, he pretended to be something he is not.. And now it's very hard to let go, just like that :(
And it is also true I have trust issues since my last relationship.. Someone I loved for 8 years.. And I was also always absolutley 300% he would NEVER EVER cheat on me.. And he did. And that.. That just killed me, and my trust in any other person.
Anyway.. I guess I will never understand :(

nelie
02-20-2014, 06:57 AM
If you aren't happy in your current relationship and it isn't something you think that can be fixed, then it is best to walk away. Women tend to think they 'wasted time' by being in a relationship so they hold onto it but then by the time they realize that it is time to go, they let the relationship go on much longer than it should've.

ReNew Me
02-20-2014, 09:06 AM
ReNew Me.. I disagree.. I have great parents who are still together and a great set of values because of them. I know I deserve better. He knows it too..
But in the beginning he tricked me, he pretended to be something he is not.. And now it's very hard to let go, just like that :(
And it is also true I have trust issues since my last relationship.. Someone I loved for 8 years.. And I was also always absolutley 300% he would NEVER EVER cheat on me.. And he did. And that.. That just killed me, and my trust in any other person.
Anyway.. I guess I will never understand :(Yeah, my first husband did exactly the same thing. I did not think "whoopie, this one's a pathological liar with antisocial behavioral disorder I'm gonna marry him before someone else does!" Heck no. He had me conned six ways from Sunday. He lied to me, he concealed his nature from me. I thought I had found a sweet, kind hearted guy who had dealt with a bunch of bad breaks but kept his gentle nature, a sensitive soul who nobody understood. Pffft. I was a very young woman and I wanted to believe the best of him. I didn't want to connect the dots that were staring me in the face. All I had to do was admit the evidence was there all along, took me seven years and a close brush with death to admit it.

Look, you're young and if I've learned nothing over the decades it's that young people can't be told anything.

But I've gotta tell you, nearly as many women screw their men over one way or another as men screw over their partners. Maybe you are a giving soul who caters to her partners needs, but trust me, plenty of the women you meet are as venomous as any viper.

And any guy who uses "cheating" (or any other of bad behavior that emotionally manipulates his partner) as a coping mechanism needs to be shown the door. You are not responsible for your partner's emotions.

I mean, alternative lifestyles are one thing (i.e., open relationships) but cheating = lying and lying = disrespect. Always. There is no excuse for cheating on someone or lying to them. One does not accidentally "slip" in those departments, bad patch or no.

I wish you happiness going forward, with or without him.

khat
02-20-2014, 03:14 PM
Thanks ReNew Me. And everyone else also

xoxo

JamieToo
03-04-2014, 11:42 PM
I'm sorry for the pain you have endured but it is part of human nature. Women lie, cheat, steal, etc as much as men. The thing in our society is that men are expected to 'sleep around' but women aren't so that might encourage men more than it does women or women keep it quieter.

If you are having problems in your current relationship, if you feel the relationship is worth saving, then I suggest seeking counseling. If you are being hurt emotionally, physically, etc and it has cycles of being good then being bad, the chances that it being bad more often is highly likely and I suggest getting out while you can.

And believe me, there are people out there that have similar relationship views as yourself, you just have to find them.

Real words of wisdom here. My brother and my uncle went through horrible relationships with extremely manipulative women, and I remember the pain they went through, so it does go both ways. All you can do is pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You're stronger for the experience, remember that.

novangel
03-05-2014, 08:27 PM
Here's a little secret, ladies, and I'm sorry you're not going to like it but it's the absolute truth: We get the kind of men we think, in our deepest heart, we deserve. We blind ourselves to their faults. We give ourselves excuses for behavior we wouldn't accept in any other person. We blow off the lies as a memory fault not manipulation. We choose to ignore their excuses for why they didn't call back or pick up when we called, not explaining why they were hours late, why they have another woman's perfume on their clothes. We give them that power by choosing to be blind and ignorant.

I've been married more years than single now. My dear husband is a beautiful human being who is truly kind and loving, compassionate and considerate and when I was a younger woman, when I was dating my first husband, I wouldn't have given this man a second look. It took me getting fed up with ten years of being married to a lying, abusive, manipulator to acknowledge that the definition of man didn't mean macho a**hole who bullied me and our son. When I was finally able to say to myself, with complete conviction, that I deserved to be with an honest, gentle, loving man, then I met my current husband.

I was an abused child. My father was a psychotic, unpredictable, lying, emotional and physical abuser. My mother and I both got beaten and screamed at regularly for the most unpredictable of reasons. I swore I would never have a man like that in my life again, never subject my child to that ... and yet my first serious boyfriend was bipolar, most of my boyfriends after him had some major, major character flaw (mainly cheating on someone which meant they were also lying) and my first husband was a near perfect duplicate of my father in many ways (he just never beat on me and hid the fact he hit our son). Figuring out that every adult relationship I had was just a replay of my father and I, that I was choosing to be with these men, in fact pursuing them, was kind of a shock to my system but I'm not much of a believer in coincidence. There was only one unchanging variable in these relationships with men who were so different from each other, coming from different life circumstances and being a wide range of ages, and that variable was me.

Accepting that I was the one who was choosing to be with these men, and acknowledging that as an adult I deserved honesty, unconditional love and respect, something I never received as a child, freed me from the cycle of abuse.

There is so much truth in this post that I don't even know where to begin. My Father is alcoholic but otherwise we pretty much share the exact same story. Lucky for us we came to the realization that we deserve better, some women never do.

Nikkilovesyoga
03-05-2014, 08:51 PM
Hello everyone,

I wanted to put some input. I'm 25 and been with the same guy soon to be 8 years by this March 13. We plan to get married this August 8.

There have been many challenges and some of them borderline cheating but we always had very good communication and at the beginning if there's truth to be said, we said it. I don't believe it's anything is wrong in either the man or woman to what they do because I don't believe in good or bad decisions, only life-long needed lessons. I don't think we would have lasted this long if we didn't always talked it out and reflected on consequences and the good lessons.

Things don't just happen, they happen, just. Every outcome you experience is always and ultimately meant for you to learn from. Some may take it as a good reason to never trust again and others think of it a positive revelation to learn to love their selves more. I don't know what lesson you were meant to learn from your previous relationship but something deep down wanted another chance. This may be your new chance. Every person deserves a chance and you deserve another chance to love someone wholeheartedly.

Trust and love must be tended daily just like a plant or it will die. I suggest to make it a point to appreciate each other everyday. Don't force it, if it's meant to last it will what's important is that your happy now and your grateful to have someone. Getting hurt in life is normal, staying, living and enjoying every moment when it comes is extraordinary.

I hope this helps.

Nikki :yoga:

Waterbunny77
03-07-2014, 08:43 AM
Why do so many men fool around? It's because so many need to score, that's important to them. Another notch on their bedpost. They may know that they don't want to date the woman or even talk to her again, it's a game of how many women I can bed down and this is something we women don't need to do.

Coachadaml
03-14-2014, 11:27 AM
Why do so many men fool around? It's because so many need to score, that's important to them. Another notch on their bedpost. They may know that they don't want to date the woman or even talk to her again, it's a game of how many women I can bed down and this is something we women don't need to do.

That may be the way boys think, but not men. I know of 2 men that have been unfaithful to their SO's- and for the same reasons. Connection, or the lack thereof and the inability to communicate.

Relationships are work. You must actively attempt to cultivate and make it grow- or it will slowly die. Communication is key, as is a willingness to tackle issues head on as opposed to not dealing with things.

The best relationships are those based on common interests, spending time together, the willingness and ability to communicate and of course mutual understanding and trust.