General chatter - Scared to go on a date

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02-17-2014, 07:39 AM
So basically I've been talking to a guy online since November and he really wants to take me out on a date. Problem is that I am afraid that I might not look like he expected.. We added each other on facebook and he has seen pictures of me, so it's not like he doens't know what I look like, but I feel like I look slimmer in pictures than I do/feel in real life (might be a psychological thing though, idk..), but it's making me feel very hesitant about meeting up with him :(
I really do like him and I would love to go on a date with him, but I really don't want to scare him off or anything. I have told him that I am working on losing weight (not told him any exact numbers (yet), though) and he sounded very supportive, but still..

He's in London for his work and will return in a month. I did agree with him to meet up when he returns, so I'm trying to lose as much weight as I can by that time (but I know I won't be able to lose a lot in just a month), but I'm afraid that I'll get scared again and think of an excuse by the time he's back in town.

I'm not sure what to do, shall I tell him that I'd love to go on a date with him after losing a bit more weight, because I'd feel more comfortable with myself by that time (but I don't want to let him wait, because it feels unfair towards him, and I'm afraid of the thought that we might grow apart), or shall I just go on a date with him and see how it goes?
Any advice is highly appreciated :) thanks!!

02-17-2014, 09:35 AM
Hey dreamer,

I know first dates are scary since physical appearance is obviously the first thing people notice (unless they yell at you from behind, which in that case, I guess their voice is the first thing to be judged haha). But remember, most people try to look the best in pictures, which, if anything, he might look a little different compared to his pictures as well. It's ok! There's nothing wrong with that. It's so easy to stick the more photo-flattering pictures online and roll with it.

Go on the date though! You've been honest thus far with letting him know you're losing weight and choosing a healthier lifestyle. He already said he was supportive. The two of you should go do something fun together. Get dolled up, dress to impress, and reel him in. :)

02-17-2014, 10:27 AM
What's with all the negativity Mary? Listen to yourself! "Problem is that I am afraid.." "it's not like he doens't know what I look like, but" " it's making me feel very hesitant" "but I really don't want to scare him off" "told him that I am working on losing weight" "he sounded very supportive, but still.." "but I know I won't be able to lose" " but I'm afraid that I'll get scared" "I'm not sure what to do" "shall I tell him that I'd love to go on a date with him after losing a bit more weight" "I'd feel more comfortable with myself by that time" Would you speak to your friend this way? Heck I wouldn't say these things to an enemy! Please don't say these things to yourself, love begins by loving ourselves first and I think you deserve much much more than to talk to talk to yourself this way.

If it's one thing men love most about women it's confidence. Go on this date, life doesn't begin when we reach perfection! Put on an outfit that makes you feel good, and go on this date feeling fabulous. We have to accept ourselves first before expecting anyone else to accept us.

I bet you look amazing, you've lost so much weight, celebrate that!!

02-17-2014, 10:32 AM
Go on the date! You've been honest with him, and he likes you. It's scary, I know, but you can do this! Find an outfit you feel good in, and knock him dead. :)

02-17-2014, 11:51 AM
Look at how far you've come already!!!! You must look great!
In the past it's always helped my nerves on blind dates to think about all the ways he could let me down. Understanding that you need to make sure he is good enough for you is more important than worrying about your own perceived insecurities. He has seen your pictures and gotten to know you online, he obviously wants to meet you for who you are, not for the flaws you think you have. Be the strong and confident woman you know you are deep down and have a fun date!

02-17-2014, 01:07 PM
First of all, thank you so much for all of the advice and kind words, ladies! Highly appreciated and definitely made me feel better about the whole situation :)

LilDazed Yeah I agree, nobody likes putting unflattering pictures out there for the world to see, lol!

Wannabeskinny Ahh I didn't even notice how negative I sounded about the whole situation.. Usually I'm a very optimistic person and try to look at the bright and positive side of things, but I found that I find it more difficult when it comes down to stuff that has to do with my appearance.
Maybe it's because I have been told by someone in the past that he found me attractive and pretty, but I would have looked better if I had lost a bit more weight. I'm pretty sure he already forgot all about making this comment, but it's a comment that has been on my mind ever since.. I had lost about 40 lbs by that time already and felt great about myself, but hearing that comment made me feel "fat" and unattractive..

Longcoldwinter Aww I'm starting to think that that might be the best thing to do, thanks to you guys, haha

thisisart that sounds like the same advice I'd give to a friend! Thank you for your supportive words :) It's funny how I tell friends who are dating that the guy should be good enough for them as well, but when it comes to myself, I only seem to worry about whether I am good enough for them or not.

Has any of you ever been on a date with a guy you met online, by the way?

02-17-2014, 02:29 PM
I met my husband online although not through a dating site....we talked online and over the phone and saw a few photos of each other for about a year before we got to meet....we've been together ever since and that was 11 years ago :)

02-17-2014, 04:24 PM
I also met my husband online (on a MMO not dating site). Friends first, had a big crush on him before I ever saw what he looked like. We always had a playful friendship, and then it became something more. I flew down to St. Louis area to meet him (scariest thing I ever did). If you get along with him, give it a chance. He obviously likes you, and you obviously like him.

02-17-2014, 05:40 PM
Yes I met my husband on an online dating website. Just be careful when meeting someone in real life, book a short coffee date so you're not tied to a whole evening if the chemistry is not right. And tell someone where you will be and have them call you if they haven't heard from you by a certain time and make sure you leave them his contact info too. Better safe than sorry. Of course make sure the date is in a public place don't go to his house or let him over.

02-17-2014, 08:54 PM
I agree with thisisart. Go into this wondering if HE'S good enough for you. He obviously likes you. I bet he's wondering the same thing... That's what he should be wondering, anyway. Go! Have fun! If it doesn't work out, then you're freed up to find someone else right away, and you haven't wasted time "getting yourself good enough" for some guy who wasn't right for you anyway! I'm sure you look great! Celebrate what you've already accomplished and show it off!

02-17-2014, 10:59 PM
While the whole online thing is not for me.

Rather than look at the whole night thing.

Keep it simple as someone previously said, and opt for breakfast or brunch or coffee.

A daytime date, not the whole night.

A daytime date, gives you the option of bowing out, kindly with other plans, or continuing.

Good luck!

02-26-2014, 02:30 PM
Hi dreamer,

Up until last Saturday I was exactly in your shoes. This time last year I weighed 289.8 lbs. I never even had a guy look at me before then. The whole dating scene was foreign to me. Now, nearly a year later...I lost about 90lbs. and am 197lbs. Still a fair bit heavier than you are currently.

I was and sometimes still am afraid to date. Putting yourself out there for another human being to see if they're attracted to you is very hard. Especially when you've spent most of your life telling yourself you aren't attractive at your current weight. We'll I decided I had to be proactive if I wanted to meet someone so I joined an online dating site and met a nice guy who asked me out on a date after we traded a few emails/texts in a short time frame. (I think we had only been talking for 2 weeks).

Unlike you... I did not put any pictures of my body on the website. One because I haven't taken any pictures in a while so I don't have any good current pictures... and two part of me was still fighting the shame. So you can imagine my surprise when this guy (who is very attractive and slim himself) messaged me for a date. I was really put off at first... I thought "I'm not ready... he's not going to like the way I look in person... I should wait until I'm thinner." and all the other negative self talk that you're used to. Like I said, unlike you... he really didn't know what I looked like aside from what I described as "Extra pounds" on the website.

BUT, I decided that if I'm not happy with myself now, even though I've worked hard to change my body, even though I've never felt prouder of myself now than I ever have been in my life, even though I KNOW I will reach goal one day... and finally even though I know it's important to find a mate who can appreciate you for who you are and support you in what you want to be... when will I be happy or good enough to find love? When I'm thin? Then once you're thin you'll have guys lining up for you JUST because of how you look and nothing more. Actually I think it's great you found someone who likes you for who you are now and would be happy to take you on a date just as you are.

You've been in talks with this guy quite a while. He's SEEN you. The real you. Believe me... people actually look "worse" in photos because your eyes in person tend to focus on the things they like and edit out any 'faults' you see. Plus there are sooo many things that amp up your sexiness. CONFIDENCE. Your smile, your sense of humor. How well you get along together or have in common. Confidence is key though... what you project out to people is what they see. If they see a confident woman who owns that she likes her body and feels sexy... people do pick up on that. If you see a woman who is constantly apologizing for how they look, or bring themselves down, you can't but HELP but notice all the faults. It's kind of like looking at a painting... and the artist pointing out "Yea it's great but I messed up this shadow"... It's like "Oh wow... I didn't notice but now that you've pointed that out I can' unsee it."

Honestly I think you should give him a shot. ONE date. It's not a marriage proposal, or anything more than just a date. If he likes you, wonderful! See each other some more while you continue to work toward your goal. ...and IF it doesn't work out. Hey, No big deal. It's so cliche but there really are plenty of fish in the sea. Continue to work toward your goal.. and hey his loss because you're totally stellar now, and will be even more fit in a couple of months. :P

... to end this on a good note. I met up with the guy last Saturday. I had worked a few hours before. Spilled something on my WHITE shirt, and felt like a total spazz a few minutes before he walked in the door. Once the date started, we just clicked and spent 3 hours at the restaurant talking. Afterward he texted me and asked me out for a second date (tonight haha) because he 'didn't want to wait until next weekend'. I am still in shock over the whole thing, but at the same time I decided before I agreed to meet him that I needed to start a relationship with someone far more important than anyone else... and that was to myself. Loving yourself really makes this whole process easier. Be proud of who you are, be confident and you'll find someone who will see that too and love you for it.

BEST OF LUCK!!!! I hope it works out for you Mary!


02-26-2014, 02:50 PM
Go for it Mary!!!

I met my boyfriend (now fiance) online two years ago. I never thought I would be looking for love online... but it turned out to be the greatest chance I ever took.

02-26-2014, 04:01 PM
Not to hijack this post but I *love* dybbuk's post...and I hope she posts an update on the 2nd date!!

I have been thinking of this post since I first read it and replied. I'm scared of so many things still since I've started (and before) losing weight but if not now, then when? I'm making a bucket list (weight and otherwise related) of all the things I've been putting off for when my life is at a "perfect" time.

02-26-2014, 04:06 PM
Go for it, Mary! Be kind to yourself. Seriously, speak to yourself like a cherished friend. Love yourself. Go buy an outfit that really makes you feel confident. Get your nails done. Whatever you need to do to make yourself feel beautiful and sexy.

I agree with the people above who said you need to see if *you* are interested in *him*. I would go for this reason: if you meet him and he is an arrogant jerk, you get to find that out and move on. If you meet him and he is an absolute dream, the most perfect guy for you ever, you get to find that out and know for sure that you want to pursue this relationship.

I was in an online relationship for a couple of years. I was the one who met someone in real life (at my work) and fell head over heels in love and moved on. We never met in person due to him being insecure about his weight. Seriously, he was a big teddy bear of a guy which did not concern me in the least, but he was very concerned about it being a turn off. I say if you have the chance to meet him, do it! Go on a date. You're going to be nervous for a few minutes, but he will be, too. Have fun & let us know how it goes.

02-27-2014, 01:29 AM
@Mary: Sorry don't wanna hijack your post either, but replied to elvislover234. FYI Mary... I'm an awkward turtle to boot. I've NEVER had a boyfriend or been on a date before. So this is coming from a totally ill-equipped individual. You are in better shape than you give yourself credit for.

Confidence was key. Not apologizing for who you are, being yourself (genuinely yourself), and not investing all your hopes in this one date just puts yourself at ease. ;) I'm no dating expert at all, but doing these things helped me get through it.

@elvislover324: Awww thanks! ^^; Second date was a blast. We met up for Indian food, and he point blank told me that he really liked me and that there was a real interest there. Which was exhilarating to hear because I felt the same (although too damn shy to say it, so glad he said it first). Date ended with a smooch at the corner of my mouth... I am wondering if I totally missed *smacks forehead* hahaha, but then he very cutely kinda skipped to his car so I kinda let my inner 13 year old SQUEE like mad in my car.

All this to say, I'm so glad I took the chance. Even if this relationship doesn't go anywhere, or we fizzle out eventually I'm glad that I have the experience to put myself out there again (if need be). It's exhilarating and even more motivating to get myself where I want to be physically. Don't let yourself be your own worst enemy. You deserve to be happy, and yes there is always some risk involved, but nothing good will ever happen to you if you don't take the risk! ;) /end hijack