Depression and Weight Issues - Heartbroken..

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02-03-2014, 03:59 AM
Hi everyone,

I confessed my feelings to a guy I work with in November 2013. I have had a crush on him since I joined my workplace (over 3 years ago) and didn't tell him how I feel coz he had a girlfriend back then, who used to treat him like absolute dirt and put him down when they used to go out with friends.

He told me that he was single in October 2013 and throughout the 3 years that we've known each other, he'd always compliment me on anything new I wear, always notice when I have a new manicure/pedicure, when I cut my hair differently, etc. So I thought that he kinda liked me and couldn't do anything about it since he was already in a relationship.

So let's fast-forward to Nov 2013. I poured my heart out to him on Whatsapp (yes I'm a coward for doing that but I am really, really shy) after we had this long conversation about me liking a guy being too afraid to tell him. He replied to me the next day saying that after being through 2 really bad breakups, he never wants to get into another relationship. And even if he did, which he highly doubt he will, he only sees me a friend and nothing more. Yes I was heartbroken but continued to be friends with him (albeit it being very awkward the first few weeks) coz I thought he was a nice guy..

A couple of weeks after I noticed him complimenting a lit of girls around me on how they look, dress, etc. I know this is not against the law or anything :) but I felt that he was trying to show my that he compliments everyone and he did the same to me and I'm not special. He never used to do that before, by the way. We used to hang out a lot with my other girlfriends but he always used to compliment me and not them.

Today I heard that he has a girlfriend again, which just tore me to pieces coz he said he highly doubts he will get into a relationship again. Guys, I would have been totally fine if he rejected me saying he only sees me as a friend, but he shouldn't have told me he'll never consider having a girlfriend again only to have one now.. I am so so heartbroken..

I am 5 ft 3 in and quite chubby and I can't help but think that he rejected me coz I'm fat :'( my friend told me that his previous girlfriend was very pretty and I guess I am not as pretty as he wants me to be.. I just got back from the restroom after bawling my eyes out..

Mad Donnelly
02-03-2014, 04:39 AM
Think about it this way. Yeah, he lied that he didn't want another girlfriend but he told you the truth that he wasn't interested in you in that way. He's not obligated to not have another girlfriend because he told you he didn't. You wouldn't have been fine even if he hadn't lied about not wanting a girlfriend. You'd still feel heartbroken. But you're not really. You're sad and disappointed but now you can move on.

You did nothing wrong and you should continue to put yourself out there. There are wonderful men out there for whom that is not a big deal if they are into you. This guy "just wasn't that into you". And that's okay. It's nobody's fault.

I hope this didn't sound harsh. Maybe it kinda was but it's things that I wish people had said to me instead of blowing smoke up my butt cos I know exactly how you feel.

02-03-2014, 04:51 AM
See, if he had just told me that he wasn't that into me, then I would have accepted it. But him telling me this bogus story that he'll never love again, just to find someone a few months later is what's killing me.. If he had told me no and found a girl the next day, I would have been fine with it. But telling me he is so heartbroken that he'll never love again, which is an obvious lie, is kinda like blowing smoke up my butt..

02-03-2014, 05:21 AM
Sharm, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. I hope you'll find enough strength wihthin yourself to believe me when I tell you: "You're a beautiful woman".
Even if your crush's ex was pretty, their love story did not end well so he must have learnt the lesson that it's not all about the packaging.

02-03-2014, 05:36 AM
Thank you thirti4thirty *hug* :) As Beyonce says,

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I must've been out of my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your *** and I, I saw the real you

he's the best thing I never had. Been listening to her music since November.. :)

02-03-2014, 05:51 AM
You'll be fine, dearie.

Mad Donnelly
02-03-2014, 06:39 AM
See, if he had just told me that he wasn't that into me, then I would have accepted it. But him telling me this bogus story that he'll never love again, just to find someone a few months later is what's killing me.. If he had told me no and found a girl the next day, I would have been fine with it. But telling me he is so heartbroken that he'll never love again, which is an obvious lie, is kinda like blowing smoke up my butt..

I've said things like that a million times "if he just wouldn't have said X, I'd be fine". It's a lie you're telling yourself. It really wouldn't make the rejection any easier. And I'm not saying he wasn't wrong for telling you that because it IS wrong. But you're being wrong to yourself for focusing on that.

And by blowing smoke, I was talking about well meaning friends who just told me what I wanted to hear but really did not help me deal with getting over the disappointment. And that's fine because that's what friends are for. But I wish I hadn't spent so much heartache agonizing over exactly what you're agonizing over because men can't find the right words.

02-03-2014, 06:48 AM
See, if he had just told me that he wasn't that into me, then I would have accepted it. But him telling me this bogus story that he'll never love again, just to find someone a few months later is what's killing me.. If he had told me no and found a girl the next day, I would have been fine with it. But telling me he is so heartbroken that he'll never love again, which is an obvious lie, is kinda like blowing smoke up my butt..

I'm entirely in agreement with Mad donelly in both posts. But i'm gonna take another angle.

Most guys do not like to tell a girl to their face that they are not interested in them. They always prefer to make an excuse if they have to say anything at all.

Persoanlly i think its a bit cowardly because i'm not to ally sure whether they do this because they think it will hurt you less or they do it because they think its the easiest way out for them.

REcenlty in was in a situation when i had the option to do one or the other. I was really tempted to just not answer emails and disappear but i have had that done to me, and its really hard to let go without unequivocal clarity of "I don't want you".

So maybe its time you read that book, He's just not that into you. It will give you strength. Trust me on that and set you on a path that will save you from much more heart ache in your life because it tells you how to deal well with rejection. Read it and don't look back.

As i said i agree with all else mad donnelly said. We are more experienced than you and seen it all. this is what guys do. No good say it would be ok if he hadn't lied to me. Face is he did. Get angry, not hurt. It helps. Stop being his friend. Not because he's a bad guy but because it should be easier for you if you put some distance between you. And stop mooning after him. Drop your feelings like a brick. You can do it though i know its hard. It takes a degree of insight to be able to do and i i've found that being angry with the person helps a lot.

02-03-2014, 07:21 AM
Thanks Mad Donnelly and Pattience. I am tired of thinking of the convo we had and analyzing each and every detail, randomly hearing a sad love song and automatically thinking of him, etc... He is just not worth it. I just wish he was honest with me.. Why was it so hard for him to say to say "I'm just not that into you. That's it"..

I am glad I had this experience though.. Now I don't have to go through the **** of thinking "does he like me, does he not" every time I see him. And I won't have the regret of not asking him if he likes me 10 years down the line. Plus the veil that clouded my judgement every time I saw him is gone.

I would LOVE to not be friends with him because seeing him now just repulses me. But, at the end of the day, we both have to work in the same office, and I don't want things to be super awkward between us..

Mrs Snark
02-03-2014, 02:47 PM
Why was it so hard for him to say to say "I'm just not that into you. That's it".

Because that is really, really hard to do. I mean, it is SO hard to say something as painful as that directly. And I imagine he likes you quite a bit as a friend and really didn't want to hurt you at all. And then, when suddenly put on the spot he said the wrong thing in an effort to spare your feelings (which he obviously cares about).

I'm sorry he did not reciprocate your feelings, for whatever reason, but I wouldn't judge him quite so harshly (though I know that's hard to do when your feelings are so tender right now).

I hope your heart heals up soon, there are lots of other fishies in the sea! :)

Mad Donnelly
02-03-2014, 04:42 PM
Mrs. Snark is right!

Sharms, I know it's hard to believe but someday, this won't even be a THING. Even by next week you'll feel better.

It's not that older people don't remember what younger people are going through or "just can't understand". On the contrary, it's that we DO remember and wish we knew then what we know now. Because, believe me (and I've been married 20 years), I've felt and said and done all the things you're experiencing. That's how long this guy MO has been going on and for even longer than that. It's not going to change.

What you can change is how you react to it. Not saying it's easy and Lord knows I could never do it at the time, but it would really stand you in good stead to truly learn from this and not beat yourself up over it. I'd be so thrilled to know that you've dusted yourself off and gotten back up like I wish I had done many times.

02-03-2014, 04:57 PM
When I first started dating last year again, I went on lots of dates, I think nearly 20 different guys before I met my current bf. Some of them weren't into me, which broke my heart because rejection sucks. I heard every excuse in the book but in the end, I had to pick myself up and keep looking because I was determined to not be alone anymore after being alone for 18 years.

But...I also had trouble telling the guys I wasn't interested in, that I didn't like them. It's really hard because you never want to hurt someone who seems so vulnerable, because opening up your heart makes you vulnerable to the pain of rejection. People say all the time "I'll never love again" or "No more relationships" after they've been hurt. So maybe he thought he meant it at the time. I don't think you should take that part so personally.

It's also hard to be friends after something like that. You were pretty brave in telling him your feelings, it's always a big risk. It's okay to feel bad about it, but don't let it eat you up for too long. And don't beat yourself up and blame your size. After all those rejections, my attitude was "on to the next one"...sounds a little harsh but that's how I dealt with it. And you know, there are SO many single guys out many, you don't need to pine over this one. Good luck to you! Go chat on an online dating site, get some compliments, meet some new men, it's great for the ego! :) That's how I met my bf and we've been together nearly a year now.

02-03-2014, 07:48 PM
I am sorry that you are hurting.

When you are ready ,spend your energy in growing as a person

Then w hen you least expect it, he,the one for you will show up.

Maybe he doesn't recognize your qualities or he just doesn't feel that certain spark that is so necessary in a romantic relationship.

Let it go-you can't force what is not there.

It may have more to do with him than you.

Once I was in the opposite situation from you. Someone cared for me but I did not feel the same. There was no particular reason but it just was the way it was.i was not in a place where I could value his qualities. Years later I realized that he was a. really great guy that I dismissed because I wasn't ready for what he had to offer.

02-03-2014, 11:23 PM
Thanks for all the advice everyone. I really appreciate it. I just hope that one day he will realize what he lost and by then I would have someone truly cares for me..

02-03-2014, 11:58 PM

02-27-2014, 08:59 PM
Ever hear the phrase "We accept the love we think we deserve"? From what you said, his last girlfriend was a beeotch who treated him like a piece of trash. Just *maybe* he likes to date women who are self centered jerks and you are a wonderful friend, a person who he can confide in and talk to about everything.

Some women are the same way, perfectly nice guy wants to date them... uh, nope. Giant jerk face makes a move and.. *swoon*... they're in love.

Just my humble opinion. I avoid drama. When I dated my husband if he was a drama filled jerk of a guy, I would have been out like lightening. If he had been disrespectful or showed any signs he didn't value me, I'd be gone. I think it really says something that he has spent all this time with not so pleasant women. It says something about him, not you.

02-28-2014, 01:41 PM
I hope you are starting to feel better.

For another angle on this, he just may have honestly felt that he would never get into another relationship after that breakup. That may not have been a lie. I know I had that feeling after a bad break-up.

Chin up, you will get through this.

03-08-2014, 11:46 PM
I really feel for your situation. I've never been interested in dating, and I've only been in one relationship, so I felt highly unqualified to offer advice here... but I'm gonna try anyhow. lol

Although I've only been in one relationship, I've had feelings for two other guys in my life that I thought were swell. I can usually separate friendship and crush feelings in my brain, so when I liked these two guys I was pretty sure the feelings were mutual based on the way they acted around me. The first was in high-school, and he ended up dating our mutual close friend instead! I didn't really allow myself to become distraught over it, but I remember being disappointed because he saw me as "one of the guys" and nothing more.

Anyway, flash forward to when I was 19 and I developed a crush on one of my younger brother's friends. He was a senior in high-school, but very intelligent and such a nice dude. Again, I got that "one of the guys" comment.

These two experiences combined with a lifetime of never really being "that girl" who was asked out/flirted with made me feel like I was always destined to be the best friend. In fact, the one guy I WAS engaged to has contacted me recently saying we are better as friends. LOL It's almost funny when you think about it!

The reason I'm sharing my experiences is this. It can be ridiculously easy to confuse feelings or be on different wave-lengths with someone. In male/female friendships this can be particularly tricky, because you can have mutual feelings of like - a lot of like, even - but one could be thinking "romance" and the other could just as easily be thinking "best buddy." It can suck sometimes, and I am not trying to take your situation lightly, but it's extremely common for this to happen. Out of the two experiences I told you about, the second hurt me the most because A) I didn't see it coming because of the way he acted around me, confusing that general "I like you, you're cool!" for "I also crush on you hard core!" and B) I had lost 93 pounds and was finally over the "It's because I'm fat" mentality. Sometimes it isn't because we're fat, or have frizzy hair, or hate wrestling (yep lol), or whatever else. It's because... well, he wants you as a friend.

I can definitely guarantee that even though you liked him a lot, if you wait on the guy who mutually crushes on you, you'll be better off for it.

Okay, and I feel so weird for giving guy advice, but I did it! lol