Weight Loss Support - Need advise and ideas...




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CIELOARGE
01-11-2014, 03:14 PM
So, hubby and I lost a bunch of weight 4 years ago (he did more than I did), slowly but surely he's been putting the weight back on. So this morning he realized that he is at where he was 4 yrs ago... No good!

He wants me to get rid of everything in the house that could be a trigger for him.... Which is completely understandable... BUT!! I have two school age kids that are not on a diet.

I don't buy crazy stuff for them, yogurt is a must for them, I buy waffles for weekends and some snacks that they can take to school. He wants me to get rid of EVERYTHING! No yogurt, no waffles, no snacks that he might like (all) no bread (I make lunch for them - pb&j) no PB... No nothing.

I would tell him to deal with it but he can't! Sometimes he can't sleep and be would eat anything and everything... (I'm sure he is a binge eater)

So what can I do??? I need to have food for the kids in the house, but I really want to be supportive and help him too...

Ideas? Advise? Everything will be appreciated it.


PS: he needs help and is asking for it (which is hard for him) telling him to suck it up is not going to work...


edoetsch1
01-11-2014, 03:34 PM
Is there some place you can put these foods that he would not know they were there?

CIELOARGE
01-11-2014, 03:47 PM
I could hide the "pantry" staff, but my biggest problem is the fridge things: yogurt, milk, cheese sticks, and some frozen goodies - I would have to buy a separate fridge and he will know about it anyways...


novangel
01-11-2014, 05:30 PM
If he can't even sleep because he's thinking about food then he needs to see someone professional. You can't stop buying food for your kids, not realistic if he thinks all they're going to eat is vegetables with water. Otherwise buy a separate fridge and put a padlock on it.

LiannaKole
01-11-2014, 05:53 PM
That's a tough situation. I've had similar issues in the past, depending on where I was living and with whom. It gets rough sometimes.

Maybe you could add a mental component to it. Like, section off / close off a section of the fridge and have a sign on it that clearly labels it as your children's foods. Then agree that you won't eat it and he won't eat it. Just the kids eat it for school lunches, etc. The idea that some food belongs to someone else has stopped me in the past because it feels unethical to take it. Basically establish that it's not an option to eat it.

If that doesn't work, maybe a separate small fridge that locks. They sell them in stores (my friend had one that he used because his roommate stole his beer). Then hide the key. Depending on the brand and such, a mini fridge with a lock is usually $100-200. Here's an example that's ~$180: http://www.amazon.com/Compact-Freezer-Refrigerator-Lock-Stainless/dp/B000RHWT3M

Also, he could have ready and easy healthy options for him to grab whenever he feels the urge to eat. Getting really hungry and having nothing prepared is an easy way to overeat.

It's good he's asking for help, though. Good luck!

GlamourGirl827
01-11-2014, 06:26 PM
Hmmm I agree that the situation sounds extreme and therefor may need extreme measures, the locked fridge. You are in a tough spot.

I understand having kids and their foods and the tempt to binge first hand. If it were one item that triggered him, I'd say try to maybe stop buying that one item and encourage other snacks...but the list you gave is pretty much everything, and they aren't "bad" foods for kids. It's not like you are saying your kids need their oreos and cheese puffs...

For me I can sometimes still have an issue with peanut butter, though I'm mostly triggered by sugar...we buy the natural PB (no sugar added) but I can still binge on it. If I lived alone I would not keep it in the house, but the kids L.O.V.E. it and my 3 year old sustains life on it I swear...so I do kind of suck it up. Just parent of being a parent.

Yeah so short of locking the fridge, IDK what to say... :shrug:

kaplods
01-11-2014, 08:09 PM
You might consider trying to go paleo as a family, at least for a couple weeks as an experiment. There's some compelling research that suggest it may be the healthiest way for people of all ages and sizes to eat.

Carb addiction can be even more difficult to control than hard drugs. In Kessler's book, The End of Overeating, he talks of research that found that cocaine addicted rats chose sugar over cocaine more often than not.

Not all foods are addictive. High glycemic carbs, especially in combination with salt and fat have very strong addiction potential. It can be very difficult, especially in the first couple weeks to avoid the temptation.

I think a couple weeks in a "clean, grain-free, relatively low-carb food environment could be good for everyone, and might give your hubby enough blood sugar control to be able to resist the temptation more easily after this "detox" period. Good blood sugar control can make it easier to say no, but it takes a couple weeks of abstinence to get good blood sugar control.

seagirl
01-11-2014, 08:27 PM
Your husband is trying to make your responsible for his behaviors. It is not the world's (or our spouses') jobs to remove all triggers. It is our job to build the tools to deal with them. And honestly, staples like dairy products and bread are not "triggers." They are food.

I would suggest that you will be happy to make sure there are no sugary treats in the house and in turn talk with him about the actions *he* is going to take to help himself - seeing a nutritionist, talking to a professional therapist with experience in eating disorders (yes, if you are being triggered by foods to the extent that you are trying to rid the house of foods that your children need to eat that is a disorder), making a plan for when he feels like he wants to eat those things (is he planning on never carrying money with him or stepping foot in a grocery store?)

You don't need to tell him to suck it up, but you do need to have a conversation about what his plan is for himself, and then you can add in small things that you can do. But the first steps need to be his.

rubidoux
01-11-2014, 08:33 PM
I love kaplods idea of going paleo as a family as I think that is probably the healthiest possible way to eat. But I know that my kids would fight that tooth and nail. If hubby supported me in it, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but if he's taking them out for pizza and ice cream every other day, it doesn't feel worth it... So, I guess I'm saying it's a great idea, but I'd totally understand if it sounds out of reach.

That is a very diverse list of foods he's saying can't be in the house. I totally get feeling like triggers cannot be in the house, but those are really basic foods. What sort of diet is he going to do? If he was doing low carb he could have cheese, peanut butter, and maybe even yogurt. Maybe he could come up with a short list of serious problem foods he can't be around? Or change his weight loss method to accommodate being able to have some foods in the house?

I have a 4 yr old and a 10 yr old and I have this problem myself. It's very hard for me to lose weight with all of their yummies around. I have less yummies for them (which is probably just as well, iykwim) and then I think I do cheat at times I might not have if they weren't here. So, I kind of do a little restricting for them and a little bending for me. It's not perfect at all but I have managed to change my weight drastically.

Koshka
01-11-2014, 09:13 PM
That is a tough problem. On the one hand, I totally understand his point of view. My daughter really likes some foods that I find it hard to resist. She also has no weight problem so these foods aren't an issue for her. Part of me wants to just refuse to buy them.

I do think, however, that imposing my food choices on the whole family isn't really right either. It might be different if I was talking about really small children. But, older children and adolescents do have food preferences and I don't think it is really fair to just ignore their food preferences - particularly if the food in question is healthy - just because it is a trigger for you.

I personally don't eat beef, but I sort of think it would be unfair to refuse to buy it for the 3 other people in the house who like beef.

How old are your kids? Are they old enough to try to bring them into the solution? For example, there have been occasional foods (non-perishable) that I've asked my daughter to just keep in her room out of my sight.

I guess where I come down on it is that if DH didn't want junk food in the house I would say OK. I would have more problem with not wanting foods that are nutritious, but that are trigger foods. That said, I might try to figure out for a time other foods that I could serve my kids that weren't triggers for him, but that they would like. I might put a time limit on this. The idea would be to help DH get to a point where he didn't have the cravings so much and then could later tolerate having them in the house (although maybe stored where he couldn't easily see them).

sheramama
01-11-2014, 09:36 PM
What helped me in the past and is something I am thinking of doing again, is getting a storage container. Put the snacks in there and put it somewhere out of sight. Then maybe use one of the crisper drawers to put all the kids cold snacks and tape their name on the front. So that way it won't be mixed in and eventually he won't even open it.

CIELOARGE
01-11-2014, 10:57 PM
If he can't even sleep because he's thinking about food then he needs to see someone professional. You can't stop buying food for your kids, not realistic if he thinks all they're going to eat is vegetables with water. Otherwise buy a separate fridge and put a padlock on it.

No, no. He can't sleep for other reasons (he's always been a bad sleeper) but when he is up he will eat.

CIELOARGE
01-11-2014, 11:23 PM
Thanks everybody for your ideas.

LiannaKole: that sounds like a good idea and I could "hide it" in the guess bedroom.

GlamourGirl827: that's exactly my problem, he will over eat anything: sandwiches, yugurt, cheese, almonds, even the cereal - those things are tasty and even when they are "healthy" you can totally binge on them.

kaplods: I completely agree with you, if I could get him to be grain free for two weeks everything would be so much different. I like Paleo but not sure how will that work for the kids, all they eat is dairy, whole grains, some veggies and lots of fruits (I know!!! Not the best but trying...) I thinking he might have a severe carb addiction and that's why even a simple piece of bread will send him into a binge.

seagirl: I do agree with you and this has been my response till now, obviously it's not working, he needs help from us. He just can't do it himself, maybe after a few weeks he could be fine, but he can't seem to be able to start.

rubidoux: right now he wants super clean: lean meats and veggies, nothing else.
Paleo for the whole family? As nice as it sounds I can't, my two DD would not eat anything!
The reason he doesn't want those foods in the house is because he will eat them and over eat them. Yes, a full fat yugurt is 170 calories, one is great, 5... Not so great. Then he will make himself sandwiches (bread, turkey and cheese) all good and healthy but he will make 4-5 of them... And that's why he doesn't want anything for now...

Koshka: my kids are 6 & 8 (almost)... We talked about this many times, and it has come down to this. He just can't do it - my house is pretty much junk free: no chips, no cookies, no sodas...

sheramama: the storage is great idea.. The crisper container not so much, he WILL open it regardless of what name is in there...

----------

Overall, than you guys for the ideas. I think I will hide the shelf stuff and get a little locker fridge for the cold stuff... If I can get him into clean eating for at least two weeks I know he won't have the cravings....

Jacqui_D
01-11-2014, 11:27 PM
He's a grown adult. The kids are just kids. I'm sorry but I'd be saying no to that. In my opinion, that's too selfish a request. I'm on a diet, my hubby is not. I don't expect him to have to change what he's eating just because I've decided to. How many women on here have husbands and children who are not on a diet and they cook for their families and then cook a separate meal for themselves? I assume he doesn't even have to do that, so I'm sorry but I think he does need to suck it up. He's a grown man. Somewhere along the line he's going to have to learn to deal with temptation. But that's just my 2 cents!

CIELOARGE
01-11-2014, 11:34 PM
He's a grown adult. The kids are just kids. I'm sorry but I'd be saying no to that. In my opinion, that's too selfish a request. I'm on a diet, my hubby is not. I don't expect him to have to change what he's eating just because I've decided to. How many women on here have husbands and children who are not on a diet and they cook for their families and then cook a separate meal for themselves? I assume he doesn't even have to do that, so I'm sorry but I think he does need to suck it up. He's a grown man. Somewhere along the line he's going to have to learn to deal with temptation. But that's just my 2 cents!


In a perfect world that would be ideal, but some people do really need help. He tried, I cook for him healthy, but when he is up at night, stressing over work he will grab whatever is in there. If the stuff is not there he won't eat it...

This will only be temporary... Till we kick his addition to carbs out.

mars735
01-11-2014, 11:46 PM
Someone on a different thread mentioned a book that describes a straightforward method to stop binge eating called "Brain over Binge" by kathryn Hansen. I recall the poster wrote "It really works". I'm in the midst of reading it & it sounds promising.

kaplods
01-12-2014, 12:25 AM
kaplods: I completely agree with you, if I could get him to be grain free for two weeks everything would be so much different. I like Paleo but not sure how will that work for the kids, all they eat is dairy, whole grains, some veggies and lots of fruits (I know!!! Not the best but trying...) I thinking he might have a severe carb addiction and that's why even a simple piece of bread will send him into a binge.

People who've never experienced true carb addiction or dependence have no idea how difficult it is to "just suck it up" in a carb-filled environment.

It really is like expecting an alcoholic or drug addict to stay clean while everyone else in the house continues to drink and use.

It takes superhuman willpower to hold out even for a short time, just to inevitably fail anyway.

And unlike other comparable addictions, there are no detox or treatment programs, and unless you're living alone you're expected to suffer through detox with your problem substance all around you. You're even expected to sit at the table and watch your loved ones enjoying the substances you can't control.

Imagine how difficult alcohol recovery would be, if you had to not only have booze in the house for your family members who still indulged, but also had to have dinner every night with the family while they all had the adult beverage of their choice.

It may sound humiliating and extreme, but while hubby detoxes, it would be a blessing if you could find a way to allow him to avoid any contact with this trigger foods - even if that means that his food and eating area is in a different part of the house, or if some foods are kept under lock and key. Or if his trigger foods are bought in very small, daily quantities and kept in a bag you carry or in a locked box in the cabinet or fridge.

I've recently been considering doing something similar for myself. I literally would jump at the opportunity to be caged (let alone hospitalized) for a month or more of carb detox, my carb addiction is so severe (especially during TOM, and pretty much all month as I get closer to menopause).

Inpatient or even outpatient treatment for food addiction is almost never covered by insurance, and even if you have insurance that will pay or can somehow afford to self-pay, treatment options are still difficult to find, and waiting lists are often a year or more long.

In the USA, something like 50-65% of is are overweight or obese and 35-40% are obese, and still treatment options are few and even fewer affordable.

I can't imagine what our country would be like if alcohol and drug addiction treatment had not been made available until 2/3 of the population suffered from it - if instead, we just told substance abusers to "just suck it up and use some willpower."

For food addiction, there is no step between self-fix and wls (wls being the only insurance covered option). Imagine alcoholism being treated that way. If you couldn't self-fix on your own or with AA, the next logical step (by the logic we're using for obesity treatment) would be brain surgery to remove or alter the pleasure centers from the brain, or some other surgical option for correcting alcoholism.

With weight issues, we expect everyone to "suck it up," but if it were that easy, 2/3 of us wouldn't be overweight.

What I wouldn't give to be able to check into a carb rehab or halfway house. Too bad there's no such thing.

shcirerf
01-12-2014, 01:16 AM
While I understand wanting to help your spouse, your kitchen is not the only place in the world with food temptations.

What's about the vending machine at work, fast food joints, quick trips?

Food is everywhere, and just because it's not there to binge on in the middle of the night, does not mean he won't do it when out of your sight.

But, I don't really think this is about the food.

Anyway, in the interest of helping him out, what about having things like grapes, or baby carrots on and hand for him to eat in the night? Healthy, low cal options, that require no fixing and are a bit more time consuming to eat, as you would eat them one at a time. These would be HIS foods. The peanut butter, yogurt, cheese, NOT his foods. Would he steal some other persons lunch at work?

Another thing would be to find an alternate activity for the night time roaming. Crossword, word search, yoga, meditate, blog, if you have a tread mill or exercise bike, hop on it.

I don't feel just denying the whole family is fair on his part. He should be willing to compromise a bit and meet you somewhere near the middle, with a few food compromises in his consideration, and some behavior compromises in consideration of the family.

TooWicky
01-12-2014, 03:36 AM
Please update and let us know how this goes! I'm immensely curious. I've been reading the suggestions with interest. It must be bad if he wants to ban waffles and yoghurt and the like from the house, lawd. I can't even imagine. That doesn't even seem like a doable solution, but your husband sounds desperate. Did I read somewhere it takes a month to establish a routine? The very best of luck with this :) I would not agree to this arrangement as presented. I would be absolutely okay with no desserts stocked in the house, or some other doable modification.

I am dieting with two elementary school-aged kids at the house. EVERY DAY I get to look at a fridge and pantry full of stuff and EVERY WEEK I get to buy a bunch of stuff at the grocery store I am not going to eat myself (although it sure looks awesome.) I definitely have eaten a different meal for dinner than I have prepared for them. I usually do, in fact. It sucked for months, but now it doesn't bother me. For me, the first two weeks was pure misery trying to not blow my diet. My low point was when I was actually crying because I wouldn't let myself eat junk food, lol, it was awful. But I got through it. My life as Mom entails handling foods and snacks for others, and they are not eating exactly what I'm eating all the time. I decided to diet in the real world, if you will.

I have my own version/substitute for some "off limits" foods, whether it be a lower calorie option or something healthier that's similar. I have an informal spot in the freezer, fridge, and pantry for my special diet stuff. Our entire household has slowly but surely moved over to healthier eating and healthier options as a result of the influence of my dieting. It's been great to see our children become aware of how some food is better body fuel than others, and watch them make better choices of their own volition.

yoyoma
01-12-2014, 08:38 AM
If you think your family is not ready as a whole to adopt an eating approach that would suit your hubby, then I think the other suggestions that have already been made are good ones. I know in my family that my extremely thin and fit daughter would not be interested in restricting her food choices (her meals are generally whole-grains/fruit/veg/good-protein, but she also eats non-nutritious treats).

While I do keep a few foods out of the house (literally one or two that are special triggers for me that no one else really wants), most of my approach is to consider foods I keep in the house for others as belonging to them. I do not eat my daughter's snacks because they belong to her.

To make that easier for me, I keep her snacks in a separate pantry area where I only see them when I am grabbing one for her. It's pretty much the same in the fridge/freezer where I keep a few problem foods out of routine sight. I find that sight is very important, so a separate shelf in the fridge might not be helpful enough. A drawer or other way of blocking the view might be more useful. I sometimes keep them inside a plastic grocery bag inside the fridge. If I have to keep a tub of cookies or a pie on my counter (for space reasons), I cover them with a towel. It's dumb, but it works for me. I don't even want to see an opaque container that I associate with those foods.

So, if your family is not all on the same food wave-length, maybe you could ask your hubby if he thinks this approach will work. If not suggest a higher level of security (locked separate fridge). At that point he might think that is overboard and may be willing to try the "it's not mine/out of sight" approach.

ETA: TooWicky says, "I have my own version/substitute for some "off limits" foods, whether it be a lower calorie option or something healthier that's similar." I didn't really think if it that way, but my D has ice cream w/choc sauce many nights, and I keep a supply of SF fudgesicles on hand. It does help avoid treat envy! Also, I don't mean to come across as if I haven't had to struggle with all this. There have been several periods of frustration and tears along the way (I've had weight issues since I was a kid and I am no spring chicken), but I have found ways to make restrictions more tolerable.

diamondgeog
01-12-2014, 09:46 AM
Some great posts. I think it was especially accurate to say even if you did everything he asked there are temptations everywhere. Home environment is huge. But what about all the drive thrus? Lunches at work?

He might need a 'motivation intervention'. Maybe needs to be 'scared straight'. I watched videos on the health effects of obesity, not pretty. Are there elder family members suffering? Point those out. There are also of course a million positives about getting healthy. It isn't just about avoiding the bad. I am not at ultimate goal now, it is below 200 somewhere. But my quality of life is unbelievably better.

It sounds like he wants it which is huge. But then you said he won't detox so to speak. It was hard but THE BEST thing I ever did. I am free now. It can work. If it means your daughters can't have some things at home during the detox in particular but get a transformed dad? Worth it.

But don't even attempt a detox unless his motivation is sky high.

Wannabeskinny
01-12-2014, 10:09 AM
Your husband is trying to make your responsible for his behaviors. It is not the world's (or our spouses') jobs to remove all triggers. It is our job to build the tools to deal with them. And honestly, staples like dairy products and bread are not "triggers." They are food.

I would suggest that you will be happy to make sure there are no sugary treats in the house and in turn talk with him about the actions *he* is going to take to help himself - seeing a nutritionist, talking to a professional therapist with experience in eating disorders (yes, if you are being triggered by foods to the extent that you are trying to rid the house of foods that your children need to eat that is a disorder), making a plan for when he feels like he wants to eat those things (is he planning on never carrying money with him or stepping foot in a grocery store?)

You don't need to tell him to suck it up, but you do need to have a conversation about what his plan is for himself, and then you can add in small things that you can do. But the first steps need to be his.

I agree completely with seagirl. I'd be willing to say that your hubby is not really ready for change. Why do I say that? Because he think that the problem is external from him, that it is someone else's fault that he's over eating foods, and that he's willing to deprive his children from food in order to gain control of his actions. Something is UP here, these are not normal well thought-out requests. I don't blame you for wanting to help him, but might you be enabling him by wanting to go along with these absurd requests?

From the small bit of information you've given us I'm willing to bet he feels extreme stress from his job. He may have anxiety disorder, a sleep disorder perhaps and finding release in eating. Normal normal normal. But taking away food would be like putting a bandaid on a much bigger problem. I don't think it's as simple as ridding him of a carb addiction honestly, that's a very small component of this. He needs to take up a physical activity that will help him release energy, tackle his stress, and help him sleep better. You can't eat if you're sleeping. Secondly, he needs to be proactive of the foods that he needs to eat, buy them himself, prepare them himself, and be responsible for what goes into his own mouth. You can help of course by making healthy balanced meals, but I don't think you can do much more than that. Putting a padlock on a refrigerator is pretty drastic and unrealistic don't you think? What's the next step, sewing his mouth shut so he can't eat? These measures will cause more harm than good and not bring about any results to the underlying factors. He definitely needs some professional help - that's not a bad thing by the way, I've saught professional help when I've felt out of control.

novangel
01-12-2014, 10:56 PM
In a perfect world that would be ideal, but some people do really need help. He tried, I cook for him healthy, but when he is up at night, stressing over work he will grab whatever is in there. If the stuff is not there he won't eat it...

This is the root of his problem. Encourage him to seek another job. His weight, sleep, and overall health will improve. Believe me when I say that work stress can ruin someone's health physically and mentally. It's not worth it.

CIELOARGE
01-13-2014, 02:42 PM
"From the small bit of information you've given us I'm willing to bet he feels extreme stress from his job. He may have anxiety disorder, a sleep disorder perhaps and finding release in eating. "

Wow wannabeskinny, even when I didnt disclose this information on my OP, this is exactly what is going on!

He was DX with anxiety 2 yrs ago and it took a toll on him. When he gets it, he says food helps him. He used to play basketball everyday - unfortunately, that's not the case anymore.

Thanks again to everybody that took the time to reply. I will get a little bit from each of you.

He will NOT eat fast food if he is eating healthy at home - he has that going for him.

So what I will do for the next two weeks (at least) is to go grocery shopping everyday and buy singles for the kids (yugurt, milk, cheese sticks) - I will keep the school snacks and bread in a separate part of the pantry (hidden)

I will keep boiled eggs, cut meats and veggies in the fridge.

I'm going with very low carb to get the cravings away (that worked for me) and go from there... He ate on plan during the weekend, so hopefully we can keep it up!

Thanks everyone and happy Monday!