Weight Loss Support - Is your mother overweight? Do you blame your parents at all?




sahm629
01-03-2014, 03:08 PM
Hi ~

I was just curious as to what kind of... well... healthy eating/nutritional support you had as a child/teen? I grew up in a somewhat dysfunctional family. I was not overweight as a child or teen (though I definitely could have eaten healther and gotten exercise.) But I became overweight as an adult, and while i do NOT blame my parents for my adult behavior by any means, I'm sure if I had been a healthier eater as a child the outcome would have been different.

I am currently not overweight, though I am pretty close and would like to get back down to my weight 2 years ago. I was very overweight several years ago, with a starting weight between 180 and 190 and I'm only 5'2 so that is considered obese.

Anyway, when I FINALLY made the decision to take control and lose weight and I HONESTLY thought that even if I followed the diet completely I might still not lose any weight. This is because my mother, who is very overweight, was always on a "diet" but she never lost weight really. So I thought that for some people it was impossible to lose weight no matter what.

Anyway, I guess I do blame my parents a little. I have a sibling who is very, very obese, and was an obese child, and yes, I blame my parents for not seeking medical care.

Is it wrong to blame your parents a little?


EasySpirit
01-03-2014, 03:22 PM
My mother and father were both on the small side of average - - both heavy smokers, and wonderful cooks. We had two or three fresh vegetables with every dinner - - always covered with butter, salt and fresh pepper. Our salads dripped with dressing.

We had dessert every night and snacks.

gardenerjoy
01-03-2014, 03:43 PM
My parents both died of obesity-related diseases in their 60s. One of my major motivators is to live longer than my parents. I blame them, sometimes, when it helps because I figure they don't mind now. Most of the time, though, I get better traction from the thought that whatever my parents did or didn't do to make me an overeater, I'm in charge now.


Fiona W
01-03-2014, 03:43 PM
I don't think it's wrong to blame your parents—not to assign some of the blame to them.

In my case it's partly genetic, partly environmental. The genetic part is that I had two fat parents and four fat grandparents. So I knew, even as a child, that the propensity for getting fat was in my nature.

But the environmental part was much worse. My mother was very petite—5' 2" with tiny bones and very small feet. She had a terrific figure as a young woman: 92 pounds when she got married, and with curves to die for. But after her first pregnancy, with me, she gained weight rapidly. When I was a skinny kid, she used to point at her wedding picture and tell me over & over again how much she weighed then, explicitly blaming me for her being fat. She struggled over her weight all her life, yo-yo dieting and getting fatter & fatter. I can remember clearly one day when I was about 8: she saw me eating a PB & J sandwich I'd made as a snack, and she got all over my case, telling me that if I ate like that, I was going to be fat, fat, fat, like she was, when I got older. I was so angry over being attacked like that, the next morning I had my first binge, eating a whole jumbo box of Cheerios with lots of milk & sugar.

Things really escalated, then, when I got into my teens. After puberty had put some nice curves on my bod, while I still had a 22" (!) waist, my mother started attacking me nearly daily about how FAT I supposedly was. I was wearing larger clothes sizes than she had worn at that age, but I'd inherited my father's large, heavy frame, so of course I wasn't petite the way she had been. She ranted & raved at me, even in public settings like clothing stores, about how horribly wide & ugly I was. Eventually it became a self-fulfilling prophecy: Around age 15 I started having candy binges in secret, because it was the only way I knew how to deal with how angry she made me. So I gained weight steadily through high school and college, and did eventually become fat. In retrospect, it seems as though she had cursed me to become fat, to atone for how much I'd damaged her body, simply by being born. And of course neither she nor my father modeled healthy eating.

I'm 58 years old now, and I'm still struggling to escape from my mother's curse. But being more aware of it has really helped. I know now that I'm an adult who can make my own choices about food & exercise.

The important thing, I think, is the step you take next, after blaming your parents. I think you have to get past that, and let the past be the past, and focus instead on your future. Now that you are an adult, no longer controlled by your parents' negative messages, what you do choose to do with your life?

TheSecondHalf
01-03-2014, 03:50 PM
My mother is overweight and her family is obsessed with weight. Everyone is either overweight, losing weight, gaining weight back, etc at all times. Not a single healthy relationship with food in the whole bunch. My grandmother died a 78 year old bulimic. I don't BLAME my parents, but I know where I come from and where my habits and attitudes about food and body started, and it came THROUGH my mom but not from her. Her own well-intentioned mother loaded her up with some pretty heavy mixed messages (food is love, reject my food and you're rejecting me, the best thing you can be is thin, etc).

I don't think blaming parents is helpful, but understanding yourself and being aware of the root of your issues is valuable.

Larry H
01-03-2014, 03:52 PM
My Mother was extremely obese when she was alive. 5 foot and about 400 lbs.
I think in her case it was a combination of poor food choices and genetics. Her Brothers and her father were also obese.

My siblings, 3 boys and 2 girls were a mixture of my very thin father and my obese mother. My sisters were thin, my brothers were mildly obese and I took after my mother and became morbidly obese.

I do not blame her at all, The family genetics are obviously beyond her control and I can rarely remember being forced to eat. Quite the opposite in my case.

I seem to have a very slow metabolism which I believe I inherited. That coupled with poor food choices and overeating on my part is what got me here.

EagleRiverDee
01-03-2014, 04:02 PM
My parents did a lot of things right. They refused to buy soda or candy for me. I drank water, milk, OJ. If I wanted something sweet, they said, "Have a piece of fruit." My Dad was heavy, my mom was normal body weight (until much later). I was a normal weight all through high school and actually until I was 27. I didn't start gaining weight until I was 28. At first, it was my thyroid going out of whack, because I was still eating healthy foods in healthy portions and getting a lot of exercise. Despite that, I started putting on 10 lbs a year. By the time I was 90 lbs overweight, I could no longer exercise like I used to, and I practically gave up on eating healthy food. Then I found a doctor who understood thyroid disease and began treating me. I lost 50 lbs, but I've regained 15. Grrr. My fault, utterly- crappy diet, and alcohol. I have been doing great on exercise, though. I'm trying to lose again now. My mom is overweight now, as well, but with her it's mostly lack of exercise and alcohol.

Amy Remixed
01-03-2014, 04:03 PM
The women on my Mom's side of the family are larger than average. So part of my issue is genetics. Add on top of that my Mom hates vegetables and cannot cook. So part of my issue growing up was a very poor diet. She considers pickles to be a vegetable. Both of my parents worked while I was growing up. So I was a latch key kid. Outdoor activities were not part of my day.

I moved out after finishing college. That was 21 years ago. So my weight gain and lack of activity since then has been my own damn fault.

CherryPie99
01-03-2014, 04:05 PM
My mother has always been TINY. She is 4'10" and she was always very thin, although she has filled out a little more now that she is in her 60's.

My father was normal sized. However, he was a heavy smoker and an alcoholic. There is some evidence that daughters of male alcoholics are prone to eating disorders.

Also, I have noticed with my mother that she rewards liberally with food. I don't have kids but when I bring my dogs over and they run to her, the first thing she does - even before petting them - is to run to the cubboard and start stuffing treats down their throats. So I imagine that's how it was with me as a kid.

Now don't get me wrong - I am an adult and make my own choices, and I CHOSE to sit on my a$$ and eat my way up to 344 pounds. But there is nothing wrong with acknowledging the path that led to me being more PRONE to obesity then some other lucky people.

I imagine if I had kids, this would be even more important, because I wouldn't want to repeat the pattern.

Jen

Arctic Mama
01-03-2014, 04:28 PM
No, no I do not think it is okay to blame my mother for obesity. My mother is overweight and her obesity isn't her fault anymore than mine is - we're genetically prone to obesity, with screwy energy partitioning. If we don't manage it we gain weight rapidly, even doing everything 'right' but the current (and ridiculous) guidelines.

If you're up for some education on this, a great documentary would be "Fat Head" by Tom Naughton. It's free on YouTube and very helpful on this subject. In a way, I'm obese because my mother is obese - we both carry an unfortunate genetic propensity for fattening. But that doesn't mean it is insurmountable or unmanageable, just that I can't expect my body or my mother's body to respond to the same food environment like a never-obese person. That's life :)

Fat Head link:
http://youtu.be/evcNPfZlrZs

There are plenty more resources on the genetics and biochemical issues that cause obesity (hint: it's a symptom, not an actual diagnosis), but this is probably the easiest consumed primer on the subject short of doing some reading and then self experimentation.

TooWicky
01-03-2014, 04:30 PM
I was born in the 60s, which was a completely different eating world, compared to today's. Eating out was for special occasions. Besides an after school snack, kids didn't eat extra food besides meals. I do not remember eating dessert very often at all, although my mom certainly did bake cookies or a cake on occasion. There weren't near the number of fast food restaurants, and going through a drive-thru for food was not a common occurrence. Everyone I knew ate dinner, a meal most often cooked by mom, at home with their family every night. I can remember at the tail end of my time in high school, it was kind of a big deal to get food from McDonalds (portions sizes were much smaller then as well.) Single serving, on the go, snack foods didn't exist yet didn't sell well or weren't popular. We didn't have a microwave oven until I was in high school, and we might have been among the first of our neighbors to get one. If you wanted a tv dinner you had to cook it in the oven for 45 minutes, lol.

The vast majority of people were of normal weight. An overweight person really stood out, and a morbidly obese person was quite rare to see. I can not remember a single obese child in any of my elementary school classes for sure. As a child when we ate dinner, we only halfway sat on our seat because as soon as we were done, we would dash back outside to play and ride our bikes! We had one tv in our house (well, except for the tiny black and white tv that lots of moms kept in the kitchen.) There were only a few hours of tv a week that kids would even care to watch, max. Video games were pretty much Pong (lawd, lol,) but I do remember Atari gaming systems appearing at boys houses by the time I was in high school.

Before I make it sound like a healthy paradise, I want to point out that a huge number (relatively speaking) of adults smoked like chimneys including my parents. There was zero emphasis on cooking healthy meals or paying undue attention to ensuring there were healthy ingredients in dishes. People just generally... ate less, frankly, and were more physically active. My mom was a short and quite petite woman. My Dad was normal sized everywhere else, but had that southern man's belly. He would stay at the dinner table long after we left, and have himself seconds and sometimes thirds (!) I grew up thinking this was something that dads did. We had some pretty big sized family members on my dad's side of the family, though! My aunt (pronounced like ain't) Bashie (short for Bathsheba) was really my great aunt. She was a morbidly obese legend of a lady, the family matriarch. I can still see her standing on her wrap-around porch in a muu muu type dress yelling at her brothers to help set up card tables at Thanksgiving. My broad shoulders, bigger ribcage and sturdier appearance definitely is from his side of the family. My mom's side is full of petite woman with great legs.

However, I would say I started to really eat a lot when I started to swim competitively in junior high. This was year round, twice a day, weight lifting every day, meets all weekend every weekend type of competitive swimming (called AAU swimming back then.) Anyone else who swam will know what I am talking about! To say my appetite was voracious was an understatement. This was tremendous amounts of physical exertion plus I was maturing. I could have quite literally eaten whatever I wanted to and not be anything but extremely low body fat and very slim. I would wager swimming as a sport has to be one of the top sports for making athletes seriously, seriously hungry. I was eating very large portions of normal food. When I got into college, I quit swimming after the first year. I also did a fair bit of body maturing which had been somewhat delayed and suppressed by athletics. However, my eating habits did not change! This was likely the genesis of my issues with portion control and ignorance of calories.

Looking back, I can't say I place any blame on my parents for my weight issues. Certainly I couldn't have eaten any less and still been able to competitively swim at that level. I developed all of my bad habits after I had left home! The world seemed to suddenly change into one of constant snack foods, convenience foods, eating out, drive thrus everywhere, lol, and I availed myself of all of them.

Samantha18
01-03-2014, 05:16 PM
I use to blame my mom a bit. But I realize now that she didn't have the time or nutritional knowledge to cook right. And obesity doesn't just run in my immediate family, but in my external family in another state, as well. I really didn't have much of a chance in being naturally thin with all environmental factors and family genetics considered.

I've been overweight since I was 4. Of course, I wish my mom would have been able to stop my weight before it became a problem. I didn't grow up on fried food or tons of fast food, but my mom's idea of dinner was something like macaroni with hot dogs, no vegetables or fruit in sight. Anything easy and out of a box. I do wish she would have taken health seriously and turned things around then, but I can't be angry because I know how hard lifetime habits are to break, and being fat was all she knew too.

freelancemomma
01-03-2014, 05:19 PM
My European mother was very nutrition conscious, way ahead of her time. She bought only fresh fruits and vegetables, whole-grain breads, and lean cuts of meat, and she fresh-squeezed our OJ every morning. She never ever bought canned or processed anything. We had no chips, cookies or soda pop in the house. She loved good food (not junk food) but had an iron will so stayed slim all her life, and would criticize me if I gained a few pounds. Had I followed her example I never would have gained any weight.

F.

novangel
01-03-2014, 07:34 PM
My Mom was always thin as well as her entire side of the family. My Dad and his side I would say were overweight but not morbidly obese. I don't blame anyone but we're Italian and our lives revolve around food no matter what the occasion...even a funeral. I was raised to finish the plate and it was practically a sin if you didn't. I became an over eater...not binge but always one helping too many.

IanG
01-03-2014, 09:10 PM
I blame my mom a whole lot but she is also a key reason I have now lost weight.

My mom is super-slim. My brother is super-slim. But I was brought up: a) poor, so taught that food was not to be wasted...eat as much as you can; and b) told I was "big-boned" (i.e. obese) like my dad. This upbringing, essentially, justified more or less 30 years of obesity to me and that it was OK to be big and out of my control.

But one day I woke up and saw my kids. They are slim. I saw my mom. She's slim. I saw my brother, he's slim. And thought what the heck.

The journey began. The diet began slowly. And from 281lbs, the scale fell quick! Even with small changes.

So, yeah, mom was a problem. But, in the end, thanks mom. I guess I got your genes after all!

Bottom line...if you think it's genetic, just don't roll over and accept it. Test it. You may be very pleasantly surprised.

kaplods
01-03-2014, 09:25 PM
I don't blame anyone, not even myself because I don't believe obesity is a crime or a sin to be blamed on anyone.

My parents did the best they could and of four children (and now 8 grandchildren), none were obese as children except me. I suspect my being adopted may account for much of the difference.

I think blame is an obstacle rather than an aid to weight loss, because it inspires people to focus on blame and punishmemt rather than on making different choices.

MarleneV
01-03-2014, 11:31 PM
My mom & I both have a history of struggling with weight, our body types are very similar. My dad's sisters also have had struggles with their weight, so the genetics are on both sides. BUT, I don't blame any of them, I have lost the weight before & knew how to eat properly, and got away from doing that. Never again, I like where I am now, and am committed to this lifestyle.

As a kid, we always had 3 regular meals, an afternoon snack and a bedtime snack. I still do, actually. The difference is what I eat now compared to what I used to eat when I was over weight. I eat much healthier food now, and portion control it. Before, I'd eat a half a bag of chips with salsa and not even think about it, or a heaping bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup all over it for a snack, and eat candy throughout the day. Now, my snack is a piece of fruit & cheese stick, or a measured 1/2 cup of low fat no sugar added ice cream (no toppings). All of my meals are measured exactly.

Jacqui_D
01-03-2014, 11:48 PM
Neither of my parents was overweight. I believe I became obsessed with being thin because I grew up in the 1970's and thin was in. Female celebrities and models were stick thin. That's what we saw on tv and in the magazines. My friends were all thin. I was thin (except I always had junk in the trunk and big booties were not considered hot back then) but always wanted to be thinner, and as a result, I yo-yo dieted for most my life. Ironically, becoming obese in my 40's cured me of wanting to be super thin. Also, society's expectations since the 1970's have changed. Twiggy thin is out and healthy thin is in. I just want to have a normal BMI now, which hopefully I can maintain. So no, I don't blame my parents. I did it to myself.

nelie
01-03-2014, 11:56 PM
Both my parents have been overweight since they were children and I was obese since a child. My mom told me of the many tales of being dragged to various doctors, being prescribed speed and other drugs but she was always a bit overweight. My father reached 500+ lbs at one point although he has lost weight, but remains obese.

My mom also did everything she could possibly do for me, took me to see doctors and nutritionists. I was also on a diet from a very early age but yet I remained obese despite various efforts.

To I blame my mom (who raised me)? nope. I think obesity is complex and I believe she thinks she did everything she believes she could possibly do.

Sasha29
01-03-2014, 11:56 PM
I don't blame my parents at all. My dad was on the high end of normal, and my mom was overweight - but that was after four kids, a hysterectomy, and menopause. Before all of that, she was thin. Unlike me, she is not a binge eater. She always has eaten normal portions of healthy foods. At times I have worried that she doesn't eat enough.

My problems are totally different and only hit me during as adult. I was pregnant, going through a rough time in my marriage, and living near my crazy in-laws. I discovered then that eating numbed all of the stress, pain, and worry. And I've never stopped eating.

Both of my parents are nearing 70, and they are healthier than I am. My mother walks two miles every day, while I can't climb a flight of stairs without having an asthma attack.

shcirerf
01-04-2014, 12:13 AM
My Mom is overweight, and has been for as long as I can remember.

She has her struggles, but I don't blame her. Well, mostly I don't.

But it's a long story, while she struggled with it and is a sugar hound, she also tried to give us kids better habits. Sometimes. We grew up with her trying to get her issues under control, but we were still expected to "clean our plates", Sheesh, there are starving kids in China!


My youngest sister said it best, one evening, when she said she was full, and Mom brought up the starving kids in China, she pushed her plate towards Mom, and said, "send it to them, I'm full!" And she got up and left the table.

Gotta love that, she was about 8 years old. Go figure.

There is a lot of obesity in the family, and of course growing up on the farm back in the day, lots of good food. And all the old, clean your plate crap, but at the same time all the women were always on a diet, but yet no one ever succeeded in the healthy life style.

In the end, it is really up to the individual, to take the bull by the horns, and put ourselves out there and learn.

I've been here a long time, and the more I'm here, the more I learn, at the same time, I see so many, who have no clue about nutrition, medical issues, family stuff, and so on, and have no clue how to go about figuring out, how to get beyond all of that, and live a happy, sane life.

Elladorine
01-04-2014, 01:19 AM
My mom taught me it was fun from a very young age to buy and sneak treats from the store, and to hide the "evidence" by burying the wrappers in the garbage so the rest of the family wouldn't see. And of course I'd get in trouble with her when she'd find candy and snack wrappers (and frosting containers :o) hidden in my room. Uh, go figure? :p

I don't know if I ever really blamed either her or my father for my weight problems. They were both good people and did the best they could raising us kids, but perhaps a bit dysfunctional in their lack of communication skills. I think it's something that reflected in us with how we handled the world.

I know my mom struggled with her weight when she was a teenager, lost a substantial amount as a young woman, got new teeth and went to modeling school. Somewhere around there she met my dad, got married, and started gaining when she had my oldest brother. I think she struggled with a lot of things at the time; for example she'd buy herself new dresses and would hide them so Dad wouldn't know. She kept a lot hidden from him because she couldn't handle his outbursts, and by the time I arrived she never bought herself a single article of clothing. And I mean never! Anything she had was brought to her by her mother, and as a teenager I was forced to share in those matronly clothes because she was afraid of what my dad's reaction would be if she spent any money on clothes for us. I really have to watch myself because I definitely have the same tendencies of hiding things; not sure if it's genetic or something I latched onto growing up. I definitely couldn't handle his outbursts either and perhaps it's something that manifested itself into the anxiety issues I still struggle with. There aren't many photos, but my mom appeared to have gained a lot around the time I was born. In fact, she didn't even tell anyone (not even my dad!) that she was pregnant with me until I was only a month away . . . everyone just thought she was getting fat, and she pretty much was anyway. I'm sure she was afraid of his reaction since they'd only planned on having two children (I was the third many years after my brothers). She lost a lot of that extra weight before I was old enough to start school, but she never got out of the obesity range.

Anyway, I think food became an escape for me as a preteen. Those are turbulent years for most of us, and I had an especially hard time in sixth grade when I became asthmatic and allergic to nearly everything literally overnight. I was put on steroids and was forbidden to do most physical activity, resulting in a sudden weight gain that made me easy fodder for the school bullies. I literally lost all of my friends that year, and the next year my middle brother was killed in a car accident. My parents didn't know how to help me cope, especially because I don't think they were able to cope themselves. And throughout it all I was being sexually abused by a relative. :( I sort of got lost in the shuffle and found myself wallowing in the likes of Ninja Turtle Pies and Cadbury Eggs, and I weighed in at 250 pounds by the time I was 14 years old.

We were in a small town though, and eating out was a rarity. Mom refused to buy sugar cereals but did pick up after school "snack" cakes like Twinkies and Ho-Hos. Fast food was a rarity as well, maybe we'd get McDonald's a few times a year (although it became a weekly lunch thing when I was a teenager). We had home cooked meals every night, typically some kind of roast with mashed potatoes and noodles (instead of gravy!), and there was always bread and butter on the table. We always had a "veggie" on the table that we were expected to eat a serving of, typically corn or peas, always canned. With the exception of grapes or bananas (which were strictly limited so I wouldn't get sick), fruit tasted absolutely sour to me and I'd pour sugar all over them in the rare occurrence that we had them. We'd often have ice cream for dessert and I imagine the portions weren't exactly healthy. Soda was a rare, limited treat, but we had free access to mixes like Country Time Lemonade and instant iced tea (that I would add so much sugar to that it would settle at the bottom of the glass). Lunches were often frozen pizza, lunchmeat sandwiches, hot dogs, mac & cheese, canned soup, etc. Oh, and I recall ordering pizza just once the entire time I lived with my parents, and that was a rare night my dad was out of town (he didn't like pizza)! Heh, that was small-town 80's-90's, things are so different for most families now, aren't they? :dizzy:

Both my parents are gone now, and I don't harbor any resentment. I was often my mom's diet buddy, but she apparently knew more about fads than actual nutrition. Our last big diet together involved going to a clinic for phentermine while I was still a teenager. My dad occasionally reprimanded me on reaching for one too many donuts or the like; I'd cry in his presence, completely heartbroken, and would simply sneak back for more when he wasn't looking in order to feel better. I eventually had to learn that it was up to me to figure out the needs of my body so that it could heal and become strong, that eating junk has never been the key to feeling better, which has pretty much taken a lifetime to do.

I'm sure genetics play a part. As I mentioned, my mom struggled with her weight throughout her life, and I suspect she was well over 350 pounds at one point (I eventually reached 360 myself). My dad had a beer belly (even though he did not drink alcohol), and his family definitely had weight problems, especially the women. I recall one of his sisters fell out of bed and it took 7 strong EMT members to pick her back up off the floor.

If anything, I feel really lucky that I have so many tools that my parents didn't have. For example, a community like this one! I'm sure my mom felt very alone with her issues, and maybe she could have risen against them had she found others to relate with. I've also got access to so much information online and through books, plus I do a weekly weight loss group. I'm finally doing well, but if she was still with us now I'm sure that we could be going through this healthier journey together . . . at the very least, I have a little one now and I'm hoping to break the cycle of that lack of communication and turning to the wrong things for comfort.

Thousandsunny
01-04-2014, 10:38 AM
I don't blame my family but I do wish I had better self-control as a kid. My parents both worked when I was in primary school, probably when I was around 10. My nonna came to watch me daily and that, my friends, is a deadly equation. An "after school snack" to my nonna was lasagna. Hungry before bed? Chicken parm. The list goes on. And damn, she was an amazing cook. Like Julia Child amazing. So I ate it all and gained a ton as a pre-teen and early teen. I lost a good amount in high school when I got heavily into sports (did NOT lose the healthy way. Did you know they don't card 15 year olds for diet pills?! And in 1996, they had ephedra in em'. Eesh...) but regained when I moved off campus in college.
I can't blame my family for showing love with food, we're Italian. I still show love with food but in moderation and with healthier choices. If I could go back in time, I'd change a lot but I can't, so it's one step at a time from this point on, right?

Wannabeskinny
01-04-2014, 11:08 AM
No I don't blame my mother, but sometimes I do resent her a little. I'm just really different than her, and had she understood that I was prone to eating disorders, or even knew what an eating disorder was then maybe she might have done things differently.

My mother is "healthy." Food was never something that controlled her, it wasn't something she ever cared about. She was one of those people that forgot to eat lunch, lost her appetite at the slightest emotion, and was always full after a few bites. Since she didn't feel the need to censor her own eating she approached us the same way. She never banned fast food, junk food, sodas, second helpings, or sweets. I had full access to these things, and maybe I shouldn't have. But I'm an adult now and I should be able to keep myself from losing control with food, but I can't. That's not her fault, she was always a good example of eat-when-you're-hungry-stop-when-you're-full.

Mad Donnelly
01-04-2014, 11:38 AM
I wish I had my mother's appetite/non-relationship to food. I never once remember her uttering something like, Wow, this is really good!

I can't blame my parents except for the same mistakes that every other parent makes by exhorting the "clean your plate" mantra and by not teaching that what you think is ONE portion is actually more like THREE portions. Again, not another blame BUT I know there were times every once in a while that my mother let me eat a banana split AS MY DINNER. It was really probably only about 3 or 4 times but, dang, I remember it and I can't believe she let me do it. Also, most of my breakfasts were NOTHING but carbs. Mom was never a "let me cook you bacon and eggs" kind of mom. Breakfast for dinner was also always fun but that usually meant pancakes. And some dinners were nothing but spaghetti, no protein whatsoever. I remember being told vague things of "you need to eat something healthy" but a definition of WHAT was healthy was never forthcoming (they were not very progressive about anything really. I didn't always know what I wasn't allowed to do until I had already done it. Maddening then and it still makes me mad now to think back). And while there's still a debate over just WHAT is healthy or non-healthy, at least it's a discussion now so today's kids are more aware. They may still make the wrong choice; but when I was growing up, there was just NO discussion. What the food pyramid said was sacrosanct and that was it. Now I know the food pyramid/plate is informed by the most powerful lobbies and it's complete bunk.

But also, my parents were not of a generation of prolific processed food so they didn't know what was to become of the average American diet.

This is because my mother, who is very overweight, was always on a "diet" but she never lost weight really. So I thought that for some people it was impossible to lose weight no matter what
I have a SIL like that. I've never actually SEEN her dieting tho (she always seems to eat whatever despite what she SAYS) so I've never blamed the diet. But I keep trying to tell her you can't go on a diet anyway, you have to make permanent changes.

nextphase
01-04-2014, 11:57 AM
My parents are both slim and healthy. My mom was a dancer and my dad competed competitively in martial arts. I remember having family dinners quite often. I went to aerobics with my mom in high school. We were a pretty healthy family. I specifically can remember having 1lb of pasta with sauce, meatballs, sausages, & salad for dinner for a family of four and having enough leftovers for another whole meal. I remember in junior high or high school, going out in the evening to McDonalds with my mother for a caramel sundae for an ocassional treat. You know, those little things? But we'd have salad or cereal to dinner to accommodate the sundae. We definitely didn't overeat.

I blame my excess weight today on lifestyle change and overeating. My 20s were full of excess -- alcohol, pizza, snacks, etc. Then, marriage and kids. It's laziness. And, now, I am trying to lose weight with my 40+ year old metabolism and hormones. This is all on me!

GlamourGirl827
01-04-2014, 12:18 PM
A lot of great responses..

My mother battled her weight her whole life, but looking back she never had healthy eating habits. She only did quick fixes, that never fixed anything.
She and my dad had the worst eating habits I have ever seen, and I do blame them 100% for my being morbidly obese as a child and teen. As I got into my 20s I did have to relearn how to eat, but I was able to bring about new, healthier ways.

I'm sure I can find roots in some of my food behavoirs (rewarding with food) in my parents, but really at this point, I think I've recognized those behavoirs and have taking steps to move beyond them.

As a result of being obese as a teen, and severe bullying, I was desperate to lose weight. I starved myself, beccause I didnt know how to eat healthy, and even if I did, I had no acess to healthy food because my parents eat just complete crap.

I still remember the first time I started starving myself, and I have attempt to purge many times over the years, but was not able to, which I am so grateful for now. This starving grew into a starve binge cycle with excessive exercise (yes it is possible to exercise to excess) and laxative abuse at times...basically an eating disorder. While I dont "blame" my parents, I do wonder, have I been a healthy weight, and not deperate to lose, if I never would have develope this ED..I'll never know.

But my weight now, I don't blame them anymore. I'm in my 30s, and I've have plenty of time and possessed the nutritional knowledge long enough to change it. And actually I did...but I gained it back when I got pregnant!

newleaf123
01-04-2014, 12:43 PM
My parents were the best parents that they knew how to be. No blame here.

alaskanlaughter
01-04-2014, 07:52 PM
I don't blame my parents at all....they did the best they could with what they had....I grew up in remote Alaska and the nearest store was a 60-mile drive away, sometimes through -30 temperatures...I never thought we were poor although we wore a lot of hand me down clothing and the nearby Christian communes gave us food from their fields....I remember mom telling me once that when I was little, she wasn't sure if she had enough money at the store to buy ketchup to go on the potatoes that the commune people had given us

growing up our food was, by necessity, either canned, frozen or very fresh, like lettuce grown in our own garden or fish caught that day in the river...there was no in-between....in fact, if we drove to town and bought anything frozen, we had to take a cooler along so it wouldn't thaw on the long drive home

we ate well and mom loved to cook....I remember when we first got electricity and could have a refrigerator instead of the hole dug into the ground to keep things frozen....I remember when we got a TV with one channel when I was 10....but we never had running water because our homestead was too far above the water level to drill down for a well

we always had enough food but I remember wanting to eat things quickly and always wanting more but I don't think it was because we were limited in any way....I do remember being careful how much water we used/drank because we could only haul water once a week

in high school when I went to public school I remember mom making me a chicken patty with cheese for breakfast which was my favorite thing to eat for breakfast lol...otherwise I wouldn't eat breakfast....my lunches were a sandwich of some sort and crackers like cheeze its....sometimes the school would give us little pizzas when we stayed out of detention for a whole month LOL

I then wanted to go on a diet....I thought I was fat....looking back at pictures I really wasn't fat BUT I was definitely heavier than other girls my age and, in an extremely small school, there wasn't many to compare myself to.....I played sports and thought I was REALLY fat because I couldn't catch my breath much (turns out I had undiagnosed asthma)

I dieted in high school by skipping my lunch and giving it to the boy I knew who was extremely poor and never had any food....however I would come home so hungry that I would eat all evening long and try to make sure no one noticed how hungry I really was

when I went away to college I was suddenly inundated with a deadly mix of ingredients - huge amounts of classes, stress like i'd never handled before, unfamiliar environment, new kids, living in a city instead of the wilderness, a lot of money during the first semester AND access right across the street to a 24/7 grocery store(!)

and I ate....and ate...and ate....I remember eating 3 hot pockets for breakfast and a box of mac n cheese for lunch and sandwiches made of bread and cheese for dinner and junk food whenever I wanted it, just walking across the street to the store....I got pregnant at 19 and gained ALOT of weight, at least 70 pounds or 80 and I struggled for years to get it off

but anyhow....i'm rambling...I don't blame my parents and I think they did the best they could out in the wilderness

Trudiha
01-05-2014, 09:01 AM
I don't blame my parents for my weight, I'm sure that they never set out to make me fat but they both had some fairly madcap ideas around food, as a result of their own circumstances. I was 42 when my mother died last year and I'd never once seen her sit down and eat a meal with the rest of the family. I remember a couple of childhood Christmases being spoilt by my father insisting that she sat down and her responding really aggressively, followed by her either leaving the room or the house. She'd also keep up a running commentary on what the rest of us were eating, congratulating and berating in turns. Leaving anything on our plates was taken as a personal insult. She would also buy snack food in bulk, encouraging us to eat and then being angry when it was all gone.

I think it's fair to say that my mother had some issues around food.

I don't think that my father has food issues as such, he was just raised in a time when food was hard to come by and wasting any makes him very uncomfortable. I've tried explaining to him many times that his grandchildren are growing up in a time and place with almost unlimited access to food, that the most valuable lesson we can teach them is restraint but his fear of hunger is so deeply ingrained that he can't see what's right in front of him.

I worry about the madness I'm probably passing on while trying not to. I try not to express my dissatisfaction with my body around them but they must notice that my weight constantly fluctuates and I'm usually on a diet.

diamondgeog
01-05-2014, 10:09 AM
I grew up in a single parent household and my mom had some issues to work through that made her absent some.

In any case she was a conduit for the larger social/economic food environment which I do blame for pursuing maximum personal profits regardless of any and all consequences.

I remember being bombarded by cereal commercials as a kid and all the boxes having a toy. I had government breakfasts and lunches which I was and am most grateful for but I am sure they were not particularly healthy.

I don't remember having a choice to take home economics to learn to cook. Very important for my situation as my mom didn't cook. I don't remember a single class on nutrition at school. I do remember fast food restaurants everywhere.

Thankfully as an adult I am now eating better than ever with more knowledge and I am healthier than ever.

But what is impacting a person is vastly more than their immediate family and that was very important for me to understand.

PrairieGirl
01-05-2014, 01:04 PM
I don't want to blame them, but when you're an overweight child it's not your choice, you don't buy, cook, or choose the food. I was an overweight child and my mom knew I was bullied for it. All the women in my family are overweight, except my grandmother who always berated the rest of us for being overweight.

When I visit my parents now I understand why I was overweight, they literally don't eat any fruit or vegetables and all the food is processed with no lack of added sweets and salty snacks. My dad seems to be able to navigate this without being too overweight, but my mom is always gaining, losing, or regaining weight and was morbidly obese and unhappy throughout my childhood.

I'd like to end this for me, but I continue to struggle.

nationalparker
01-05-2014, 01:10 PM
Wonder how many moms "blame" their children for add'l weight from pregnancy? So many factors in it all - genetics, parents' parents, where does it end - everyone has a parent they learn from.

nelie
01-05-2014, 01:12 PM
I think we can see in this thread that there are vast experience differences. Like I said before, I don't blame my mom and my mom worked 2 full time jobs for many years so there wasn't a great deal of supervision although I spent a lot of time at my grandparents house. We also used to get fresh fruit and vegetables from my grandparents garden as well as neighbors. My mom cooked everything from scratch and we hardly ever ate out. Things like hamburger helper or McDonald's weren't part of my childhood. Now that my mom is older and remarried and only works 1 full time job, they have a large abundant garden with lots of vegetables and some fruit. My mom still cooks and rarely eats out but both my stepfather and mother are overweight.

sacha
01-05-2014, 04:14 PM
Wonder how many moms "blame" their children for add'l weight from pregnancy? So many factors in it all - genetics, parents' parents, where does it end - everyone has a parent they learn from.

Or how many moms spend hours a day cooking fresh healthy food and their kids just toss it on the floor and refuse to eat it! That's my life!

My children are not overweight, and I was not overweight until college. If there is one thing I remember about my mom's cooking, is that even if she served healthy stuff at every meal (she didn't), I wouldn't eat it anyways.

I assign far less blame to my parents now that I am one myself (I didn't much to begin with), because it really is a two-way street. I see so many picky adults here on 3FC and wonder if once upon a time, their parents just gave up with it? How much time and money does one spend?

Arctic Mama
01-05-2014, 04:31 PM
Ha! I concur, Sacha.

Selina
01-05-2014, 04:49 PM
My mother is about 20 pounds overweight, she's 48 and had both her hips replaced. I do not blame her for my weight problems, since none of us in the family are seriously overweight. I do wish she supported me more in terms of what sort of food we buy as a family and what we cook.

sacha
01-05-2014, 04:50 PM
Ha! I concur, Sacha.

Can you tell my beautiful cranberry oat gluten-free muffins were scooped up by the dog this afternoon? :?:

AnnRue
01-05-2014, 04:56 PM
I do kind of blame my mother. A study came out a few years ago that said that if your mother was on a diet while pregnant with you.. you would be more likely to be obese. I teased my mom about that. My mom dieted the entire time she was pregnant with me and I was actually very small and thin as a toddler. I think honestly there is some sort of physical desire within me to eat even if I am not hungry and I wonder if it wasn't from that. She didn't diet with my brother and he came out like a butterball. And also, he has never really desired food.

But also, my mother did not do me any favors as a child. Though I was NOT fat, she always deprived me of food because I was a girl. While my brother wasn't that thin but she was always shoving food into him. Setting up this dynamic of there being food around that I couldn't have, but wanted. So of course, when I got out on my own I went to the nearest *bad food* place and started shoveling it in.

Further, when I did start gaining weight, she was NOT honest with me. It took my brother coming to me one day for me to even notice.

Though when you look to the idea of "blame" I mean it isn't like I am going on Maury to talk about it. It was what it was. Forward. You know?

GlamourGirl827
01-05-2014, 05:00 PM
Wonder how many moms "blame" their children for add'l weight from pregnancy? So many factors in it all - genetics, parents' parents, where does it end - everyone has a parent they learn from.

There's a BIG difference between being a child and having your entire "food" world controlled by your parents vs being an adult that is pregnant and gains weight from their own choices. You're comparing apples to oranges.
I gained a lot of weight with each baby, but I would never blame my kids. I gained while pregnant, but its not their fault.

As for feeding kids healthy and giving up because they refuse it, as someone who grew up with the worst eating habits/choices a parent could give and now a mom of 3 AND my oldest son is autistic, and very very often chilcren on the spectrum are very picky eaters, I can say that offering a kid mac n cheese because you are just tired of them throwing their green beans at you does not lead to childhood obesity...Here's what cause me to be morbidly obese as a child. My example is unfortunately extreme.

As a child, I was never offered fresh veggies, we ate them from a can and covered in butter before I even got my plate. I was given soda so young there are pics of me with it in my bottle. I was given whole milk with breakfast, and soda with every other meal. Every. Other. Meal. I was never offered water. Breakfasts were pancakes drowning in butter and syrup. Lunches bologna and cheese, covered in mayo, snacks were packaged cupcakes, ho-hos, ding dongs. Since I could not bring soda to school, on school days I was given regular iced tea drink boxes (lots of sugar). Dinners were adult portions, burgers with bacon and cheese, a scoop of canned veggies and a pile of rice or boxed potatoes and of course soda. Or maybe fried onoin rings with fried chicken...Snack were always like I said, cupcakes, cookies..and were never limited. I grew up where it was perfectly normal to eat a pack of cupcakses while dinner was cooking. I was praised for eating, food was a fix all, and I was told something was "wrong" with people that ate "like birds" i.e. not a lot or ate salads...Low fat was in in the 80s, but my parents NEVER did that and mocked anyone that did or attempted to lose weight.
I lived in a house on a major highway, so I was never allowed out. We only had one car, and my dad had it for work. So until I was 10 (we moved to a house in a neighborhood at that point) I came home and stayed in. I was never allowed out to run around, I was never taught ot ride a bike (taught myself as a teen) I sat all day in school then at home until bed. I was not taken to the park, nothing. Also my mother struggled (still does) with mental illness, and spent many years depressed and would not leave the bed. So she never took my out for walks...Even if we could have afforded for me to join a school sport, it was frowned upon. I was told sports were for people too stupid to do well in class. I see now that my dad had a lot of issues from being bullied in highschool as he was the nonathletic scrawny kid and was bullies by the "jocks" but I didnt know that then. Even to this day he doesn't like "athetic" guys. He has never discouraged me as an adult from running when I got into it, but he did make a few un-nice comments and has never ever said good job or anything positive or encouraging about it, even when I ran my frist 5k, but he always praises me for schooling (I'm taking online course for my BSN).

There is more to childhood obesity than giving kids a few unhealthy foods, its modeled in food AND (lack of ) activity.

Some foods I was never even offered as child, that I tried on my own as an adult and love: Kiwis, strawberries, oatmeal (and now I hoard it lol..from another thread) yogurt, brussel sprouts, spinach, salmon, whole wheat bread (that's all we have in our house)...and other healthy frsh foods. Even if my son refuses to eat any of these foods now as a toddler, he's exposed to them, his parents eat and make them, and we model an active lifestyle...takes a lot more than picky eating to lead to childhood obesity.

nelie
01-05-2014, 07:05 PM
Again, I think we can all have different experiences, my mother (beyond feeding me plenty of healthy foods, including fresh veggies and fruits and beyond taking me to multiple doctors/dieticians) also tried to keep me active. I was enrolled in dance classes prior to my parents divorce and afterwards I was allowed to play in the neighborhood. My friends and I were allowed to walk to our school (which was probably .3 miles away) and play. When I got a little older and my mom had a little money saved up, I took swimming lessons at the city pool and had a summer swim pass. I walked to the pool nearly every day during summer (about 1 mile) and I might walk back or my mom might pick me up. Somehow in elementary school, I ran into some kind of track and field team at school and signed up. I was obese at the time so I was a slow runner but I was able to do shot put and I ran when the other kids ran.

And there were certain things that weren't in the house foodwise like juice, mayo, butter, etc. If we had butter in the house, it was for my mom's baking, not eating. If we had milk, it was skim milk. I also had low fat yogurt. We also never ate canned vegetables, partly because I didn't liked canned veggies (my mom loved canned spinach, which was not a passion I shared with her).

As for drinks, my mom, the eternal dieter only had diet sodas to drink or water. I used to drink a lot of water when I was younger but I'd say from a fairly young age, I probably had 2-3 diet sodas per day.

Anyway, I just want to say childhood obesity is complex. I reached 300 lbs at age 14 despite all my mother tried to do.

sacha
01-05-2014, 08:13 PM
I don't mean to imply picky eating causes childhood obesity, it's just a bit of humour thrown in there, although I guess rather misplaced...

GlamourGirl827
01-05-2014, 09:28 PM
I don't mean to imply picky eating causes childhood obesity, it's just a bit of humour thrown in there, although I guess rather misplaced...

Ah...ok. Sorry :^: Its a sensitive subject for me. I don't blame my parents anymore. Id have more than enough time to handle it. But I do still feel pain at how I spent so much of my life so obese and out of shape. I couldnt participate in gym, I was bullied relentlessly and I just hate how they did nothing to address the issue. I also get irked that they never put sun screen on me and I had several severe sunburns as a kid, one that actually left a scar? (weird I know..) but I'm fair skinned and though Ive protected myself since then, I know my risk of skin cancer in increase because of those several burns...anyway my parents were just very irresponsible in many ways, more than I talked about, so its just another area where they failed to, IMO, do their job as parents.

Munchy
01-06-2014, 10:32 AM
My mom has always dieted and I am built just like her (plus my grandmother and my daughter!). I started "dieting" very early on, but really just genetically put on weight when I started to mature, and lost one pant size every year in high school, mainly from a semi-starvation diet. We are both in the normal range, but always want to lose the proverbial "last 10 lbs."

My dad was always very slim until he got a belly as he approached his 40's. My older brother is slim like my dad, and my younger brother is like me and my mom - easily gains from a few too many indulgences.

We have always had a pretty healthy household and it has only gotten more and more healthy. After moving in with them post divorce, I introduced a lot of new dishes to my parents. Now we trade nutritious recipes and tricks all the time.

I feel very very strongly about providing my daughter with a good diet, but I'm not too strict with her. I do see that as she's growing, she's definitely going to be built like me, and probably will put on a bit of weight as she nears her first period. It's sometimes hard for me to see that she will likely be a bit chubby, but she's active in tap, jazz, ballet, and martial arts and she eats the healthy foods I provide to her. There is little else I can do - I truly feel that it's in the genes.

melkhamilton
01-06-2014, 01:53 PM
No, I do not blame my parents. My mother was overweight off and on and was hypo-thyroid. I inherited hypo-T from her...and the weight issues that come with that. I don't blame her for "giving" me this propensity. She wanted a baby. How can I blame her for that?

She did instill in me a hatred of being "fat." She applauded my first starvation diet at age 11 and every starvation that followed. Can I blame her for making me eating disordered? Not really. She felt helpless and scared and didn't want me to be picked on for being "fat." She thought she was helping me. She was imperfect...like everyone is imperfect.

We ALL have a negative issue or two (or five, or ten ore more) we inherited from someone. There IS no perfect parent...neither functionally, nor biochemically.

We all have stuff to deal with. This is one of my things. Life happens. :)

pluckypear
01-09-2014, 01:52 PM
Absolutely! Not because she is morbidly obese but because she is a narcissist and did not love her children in the way she should have. I have several friends who struggle with weight issues and every one of them come from dysfunctional families of varying degrees. Even friends who would deny it and defend their mothers to the death, to an objective eye their mother's are narcissistic. I believe all addictions including food are the results of trying unsuccessfully to heal wounds caused in childhood. I am learning healthy ways to heal. This does not excuse dad's by the way. But as an expert in child development having worked with hundreds of families addiction tendencies are seen in children and often, not always, clearly connected to dysfunction in parenting.
However it is my responsibility as an adult to seek help, take advantage of it and stop the cycle. Sadly I see my sister screwing up her kids much as our mother did to us. But change is possible.
I feel sorry for my mom because her mother was dysfunctional but my mom as an adult, particularly with children, should have done something to change, she did not. Narcissits are very unlikely to seek change. I protect myself and cut out disease. Her being alone in her senior years is a consequence to her poor parenting.

pluckypear
01-09-2014, 01:54 PM
And there are plenty of healthy families, I work with them too, but they have no addictions in the family.

doriluke
01-09-2014, 04:23 PM
Good question. I was never overweight as a kid, although as a teen I thought I was (at 5'7" 135 lbs..ugh!) and would routinely starve myself. I bordered on eating disorders I think, at one point my junior year I got to 115 lbs. My family seemed not to notice, and never said a word about me skipping meals. Everyone in my family is thin to average. I remember my mom and grandmother trying to gain weight often. I still think I'm the only overweight one in the family and have always felt uncomfortable because of it, especially when I actually moved into what it technically obese. My family didn't teach me good eating habits because it was a non-issue for them. As a kid, I could eat as much as I wanted and often had stuff like pancake eating contests with my cousins. I always won. I love food. No one in the family fat shames me or even notices, my grandpa used to say I was a curvy girl and should be happy Im not a stick. Anyway, I have a pretty dysfunctional family it a few ways, and something that has taught me is 1)it doesnt do any good to look back and 2)blame never helps. So I try to move forward and not be resentful that they didnt teach me to be healthy. I try to do better with my kids.

~Dori~
205/200/150
Day ONE of my #giveit100 challenge

Lunula
01-09-2014, 04:53 PM
For me, it's never been about "blaming" my parents, because they did the very best they could for me and my siblings. But, we are all, like it or not, products of our environment. Both of my parents were overweight, not huge, but overweight. My mother is very insecure and spent my childhood dodging cameras and talking about herself negatively. I remember as a kid, maybe I was 8 or 9, and I was Christmas shopping -- I bought my mom a diet book because she always spoke so poorly about herself and her weight. I'm sure it devastated her, but I had the best of intentions (as an 8 year old just wanting her mom to love herself).

Yeah, I'm sure my own insecurities and negative self-image came from her, and I'm sure some of my "who cares what I eat?" came from my dad. I'm a product of that.

Do I blame them? No. I take responsibility for who I am as an adult. We can all change, might be harder for some than others, but we all have that innate ability. That said, I wasn't overweight until I got to college and I was "free" to do whatever I wanted. Turns out what I wanted was to drown my emotions with food & drink. That's not my parents' fault...

Mozzy
01-10-2014, 01:44 PM
I will partially answer this question.

My mother is overweight. Every female in my family is overweight.

pixelllate
01-10-2014, 02:14 PM
Absolutely! Not because she is morbidly obese but because she is a narcissist and did not love her children in the way she should have. I have several friends who struggle with weight issues and every one of them come from dysfunctional families of varying degrees. Even friends who would deny it and defend their mothers to the death, to an objective eye their mother's are narcissistic. I believe all addictions including food are the results of trying unsuccessfully to heal wounds caused in childhood. I am learning healthy ways to heal. This does not excuse dad's by the way. But as an expert in child development having worked with hundreds of families addiction tendencies are seen in children and often, not always, clearly connected to dysfunction in parenting.
However it is my responsibility as an adult to seek help, take advantage of it and stop the cycle. Sadly I see my sister screwing up her kids much as our mother did to us. But change is possible.
I feel sorry for my mom because her mother was dysfunctional but my mom as an adult, particularly with children, should have done something to change, she did not. Narcissits are very unlikely to seek change. I protect myself and cut out disease. Her being alone in her senior years is a consequence to her poor parenting.
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister too. I think that my sister is a golden child who morphed into a narcissist herself if that is possible. Nightmare =/

FatAbbi
01-10-2014, 02:27 PM
My mother is a lifetime yo-yo dieter. I remember her doing Optifast when I was 10 years old. Weight Watchers was a frequent one, as well as Jenny Craig. Of course our parents lay the foundation for our choices and such, however in the end only we can be blamed for what we do and what we choose.

I would love to lay my poor choice in men, eating habits, and failures on someone else. It would free me from accountability. It would free me from guilt and sadness. However, I have learned I am in complete control of how I process, remember, and chose things. I am only a victim if I allow myself to be.

For me my faults are my own. Only I am to blame, therefore, only I can fix, repair, or change them. I am in control of my destiny. I create my good luck. I create my opportunities. Only once I realized this for myself have I become successful in several aspects of my life. Educationally, professionally, and in motherhood I have been very successful and no one gets credit for that except me. Not even my Mother, Father, teachers, or children are responsible for my success, nor failure. Only me.

FatAbbi
01-10-2014, 02:28 PM
For me, it's never been about "blaming" my parents, because they did the very best they could for me and my siblings. But, we are all, like it or not, products of our environment. Both of my parents were overweight, not huge, but overweight. My mother is very insecure and spent my childhood dodging cameras and talking about herself negatively. I remember as a kid, maybe I was 8 or 9, and I was Christmas shopping -- I bought my mom a diet book because she always spoke so poorly about herself and her weight. I'm sure it devastated her, but I had the best of intentions (as an 8 year old just wanting her mom to love herself).

Yeah, I'm sure my own insecurities and negative self-image came from her, and I'm sure some of my "who cares what I eat?" came from my dad. I'm a product of that.

Do I blame them? No. I take responsibility for who I am as an adult. We can all change, might be harder for some than others, but we all have that innate ability. That said, I wasn't overweight until I got to college and I was "free" to do whatever I wanted. Turns out what I wanted was to drown my emotions with food & drink. That's not my parents' fault...

Amen, good for you :)

Dottington
01-10-2014, 02:31 PM
I know ALL of my eating issues stem from my parents(something I've worked through with therapists). Neither of them has a very healthy relationship with food or body image. My mother is obese but didn't become so until she was 40 and hates people who are overweight or obese(even though she is herself). I think its so interesting to read everyone's experiences and find it fascinating how complex this is.

pixelllate
01-10-2014, 04:55 PM
I know ALL of my eating issues stem from my parents(something I've worked through with therapists). Neither of them has a very healthy relationship with food or body image. My mother is obese but didn't become so until she was 40 and hates people who are overweight or obese(even though she is herself). I think its so interesting to read everyone's experiences and find it fascinating how complex this is.

I agree - very complex. I don't think that there is any one answer of how we should feel towards our parents and our eating, among other things because personally, I think it depends on the family. My own was plain ol' emotionally abusive and it involved a lot of things, including food.

michlove1980
01-10-2014, 05:45 PM
My mom came from a family where 90% were over 300 lbs. She was the only thin one until her mid 30's when she gave up chain smoking and drinking. At her heaviest 250lbs 5'7 she is still trying everything to lose weight. She doesn't eat breakfast which I have told her is not good. I am now entering mid 30's and find myself my heaviest ever as well and I quit smoking and drinking 2 yrs ago- so talk about following in mothers footsteps. I haven't lived with her since I was 14 but I guess you can't change the genes.

I never thought I would be this size ever. But I won't blame anyone or let it deter me from trying to sort out my real reasons for eating. Binging. Also my Genes suffer from depression, ADHD anxiety and PMDD oh boy! so there are always things to be "getting through".

I will say my childhood was quite negelcted and abused and I do have to work through alot of that. But I Love my mom no matter the crazy Genes she transferred to me!

Growing up she never fed us fast food and so in that area I can't say she built my bad habits. But my stepdad would lock the fridge with an actual lock to control things and he also kept any snacks in his room. That brought me to find food scrounge and hide. I have forgiven him for a lot because it's best for me.

We can only learn from our past and try and heal.

GlamourGirl827
01-10-2014, 05:54 PM
I grew up with a narcissist mother and sister too. I think that my sister is a golden child who morphed into a narcissist herself if that is possible. Nightmare =/

Pixalllate, same here, although my mother was never officially diagnosed and she also has many Borderline Personality traits..but my brother who was absolutely the golden child, is almost the classic narcissist. ugh..

pluckypear
01-10-2014, 09:58 PM
Pixalllate, same here, although my mother was never officially diagnosed and she also has many Borderline Personality traits..but my brother who was absolutely the golden child, is almost the classic narcissist. ugh..

I can relate to this. For years I was resentful of my younger sister as I and my other siblings perceived her as the favoured child. There were many reasons for this such as her receiving more compliments, financial aid and so forth. My therapist helped me see that my parents did not love any of us, my parents believed they did or do but they did not have the capacity to love us in the healthy way parents should providing all the healthy things children need. I learned that parents who are capable of loving cannot love one child more or one less, that would not be love. Rather sometimes parents give more to one child because they relate more to the one child perhaps the one child is more like them or the one child brings them more favour from society etc. I learned that the child who was perceived as favoured although not really loved becomes very angry and competitive. The so called favoured child thought they were favoured but are never satisfied because they were never favoured with love, so they feel void of love not having received true parental love yet they thought they were loved and so cannot understand why they feel this way. The favoured child thinks there must be more love for them and competes with the other siblings. Whenever siblings do not get along this is because their parents did not set them up for healthy supportive relationships. So bottom line my perceived favourite sister is very jealous, competitive and angry. She is also a narcissist. Narcissists tend not to seek therapy because of course nothing is their fault and they cannot see beyond themselves.
The really sick thing is my younger sister lives with our Mother and through their continued dysfunctional relationship my sister tries to get love where she cannot and so is angry. My two young nieces also live there and they will likely repeat this cycle, they are already show signs of doing so.
I thank the school of psychology that I found the wonderful therapist that I have. :)
Good thread.

ChickieChicks
01-10-2014, 10:44 PM
I don't blame my parents, or anyone else, at all. I grew up normal weight, in a family with normal weight ranges. EVERY SINGLE CHILD got heavy when they moved out. Bad food, way less exercise (if any) and bad coping mechanisms for stress. Some of us lost it and got back to our healthy habits, others haven't.

I would be pretty darn upset if my kids blames me if they became overweight or obese as adults. We eat three meals a day, plus three snacks. But it is all natural, real food and not crap. I've known man, many friends who got used to eating large amounts of food in high school and college while playing competitive sports, and then kept up that eating long after they stopped playing.

RadaTwirl
01-10-2014, 11:59 PM
I'm currently 16 and never lived with my mother, but with my father, who has never remarried and rarely dated.
My dad still eats like he's in college, and, as a child, those habits transferred to me. If I was hungry as a kid, it was frozen meals, fast food, or Spaghetti-o's.
I do, in part, blame him. But I take responsibility for my own food choices past the age of 12 or so, because I really came into control then and there's no sense in continuing to blame him.
He is morbidly obese and my mother was obese for a while but I recently heard that she dropped a lot of weight, though I haven't seen her in several years.
I am trying to get my dad to lose weight with me seeing as he has hypertension, smokes, and is extremely overweight, and he seems to like the idea, but putting it into practice is completely different for him.
It seems like he never grew out of being in college.
I blame him for my being overweight as a child and failing to teach me good habits, but I'm not angry with him nor do I think it's his responsibility any more. It's mine, and now I need to help him get his own eating habits back in order.

ReluctantDieter
01-14-2014, 10:19 PM
My parents are both very fit, active and fitness-obssessed people. Both of them are extremely careful about what they eat (verging on austere) and do a daily yoga routine. They are tremendously energetic and disciplined people, and enjoy trying out fad diets and going on treks together.

However, when I reached puberty, I developed PCOD and a tendency to gain weight. This dismayed my parents (they are quintessential Asian 'Tiger' parents who expected perfection of me in every aspect). At that point, I was only slightly chubby, but they over-reacted, completely banning me from any kind of sweet treat/ junk food and even hiring a personal trainer for me. Anytime I cheated on my diet or didn't attend a personal training session I was made to feel awful, and guilty.

As a result, when I came to university 4 years ago and I was no longer under any compulsion to excercize or diet, I started binge eating and completely avoiding the gym/ yoga studio, resulting in my current unhealthy BMI.

Even now, my parents constantly make subtle jibes about my weight and compare me to my fitter friends. But anytime I bring it up with them, they claim that they have my best interests at heart, and I'm being over sensitive.

JustcallmeRiley
01-17-2014, 05:06 PM
I blame my mom for not teaching me what I needed to eat to be healthy and for not finding a sport I liked to keep me active when I was young enough to join the teams with everybody else. In 7th grade I found out that I loved ice skating, but it was too late to really do anything with it, the kids my age that ice skated were in competitions and stuff, and I was just learning how to spin (I never did learn how to spin...). My mom lost 100 pounds after she had my brother, and I remember going to the daycare at the gym and then getting bribed with a bagel for being good (I also remember the sneakers tied on the electric wires right near the gym, my childhood was over when I found out what that means.) I think my mom didn't realize I was kind of fat until it was too late, when I was little up until I was like 8, I really was a normal weight. I was a little bit chubby, but I wasn't fat. But I'm not going to dwell on the past, I'm living in the now, right now my mom is helping me and supporting me.

jhinako
01-17-2014, 08:11 PM
It's interesting to read the different back stories for people and the results. Some had families that ate junk food and fast food and desserts, some had families that super-dieted and were restricted from any "bad" foods.
And there are negative outcomes for both of these. The ones who were allowed to eat endless junk food feel like they should have been moderated more or cooked healthier meals as children. Then those children who lived with a parent(usually mom) or parent(s) who were very strict about treats/desserts/junk food, didn't fair much better because they grew up feeling deprived of these things and then went overboard when they were finally "allowed".

I fall into the second category. My mom was concerned about her own weight when I was a child and sometimes her insecurities about herself were directed at me. I remember being told as a young teenager that "my boyfriend would like me more if I wasn't fat.". Or being told when I was home sick from school one day that I should do some exercise while I was home because I needed to loose weight. I was scolded for anything "unhealthy" that I ate.

I don't think that parents should say negative/scolding things to their children about their weight, especially if it's about how the child looks and not necessarily about their health(obviously morbidly obese children need more direction, but not in a cruel manner). As far as feeding their families goes, moderation probably is best. Sure, have treats, occasionally and in moderation. Not every meal necessarily needs to end in dessert. Growing children probably need more healthy, balanced meals than say, pizza, but those things should be allowed, you know? Hopefully balance wins out.

Dakini
01-17-2014, 09:08 PM
My dad was a big guy. He was about 6'2" (I think?) and always seen as a big guy... you know... big beer belly and all that jazz.

My mom is petite and always watched her portions and tried to do activity every day. She is only about 5'2" I think, and always stayed around 130lbs. after she had kids (before that, she was probably around 115lbs.).

My brother took after my mom and I took after my dad, sadly. I was ALWAYS the fat kid in school. Not only was I fat, but I was as tall as the teachers when I was only in 2rd grade (I was about 5'5"). I only grew 3 more inches after that and stopped growing in 7th grade-- that's when everyone else finally caught up to me. My dad had a weird growth spurt like that, too, I was told.

Anyway, I came from a very dysfunctional and abusive/stressful home life. (But really, who hasn't in this day and age?) My mother and my grandmother (dad's mom) both over fed me. I think, due to my mom's issues, she wanted to keep me fat, therefore, not in competition with her, and my grandmother did it in order to control me. So I just had very poor eating habits from the start. I have an incredible appetite now because of it. If people saw/knew what I could eat in a sitting, they'd probably pass out in disbelief. :lol: But sadly, it has messed with my cortisol levels and I suffer from really bad depression/anxiety because of it.

But anyway... that's my $0.02. I used to blame my genetics more than blaming my mother and grandmother (and, let's face it, when my dad was around, he wasn't a good example of healthy eating either... we'd have pizza and McDonald's in the same afternoon on Saturdays). But, yeah. I've found that blaming genetics or family members or society, etc., is just a moot point. Keeps us from focusing on how to correct the problem and being in the present.

Chardonnay
01-17-2014, 09:26 PM
My mother and all of her siblings are obese. I've seen photos and she was thin before she married. I know my parents were unhappy, it showed in their treatment of their children. My mother was ignorant though, way too stubborn to even consider learning anything new. Everything she did was right. She never exercised, I saw her eating constantly, she'd hide chocolate bars in her purse. I think she drank secretly too. I remember asking my father why my mother's stomach was so huge and he said "after 3 kids, her 'elastic broke'"....as a kid, I bought it, but as an informed adult I see differently.

I used to blame her for my bad eating habits, but then I kind of grew up and realized I had to re-educate myself and forget about her. I learned about nutrition and healthy eating and she's nowhere on my radar now.

vealcalf2000
01-18-2014, 07:34 AM
My mom was a great cook and spent a lot of time cooking large meals (lots and lots of carbs...breads, potatoes, more potatoes), and while I loved her I hated the way she'd make me feel guilty about eating. If I didn't eat two helpings of her mashed potatoes, fried potatoes, homemade bread, etc. she'd make comments like "Don't you like it?" or "I worked all day on this, and now you're not going to eat??" To add insult to injury, I didn't realize that my body has a problem processing sugar...I don't consider myself diabetic, I just seem to have a sensitivity to carbs and sugars, which is easily regulated through portion control and eating good carbs. I spent most of my youth wondering why I was tired all the time only to realize years later through diet and education that it was very hard for my body to process and break down those excess carbs and this resulted in an almost constant feeling of fatigue.

Ultimately, due to all of this overeating and constant exhaustion I put on a lot of weight. Strangely I think it made my mom feel good when I gained weight. She was overweight herself so I think she wanted a daughter who reflected who she was. I am also adopted, and I remember a great sense of her trying to make me fit in w/the family (LOL sorry now I sound like I'm on the therapy couch!)

I don't think my mom's motives were bad, I just think she was just passing on the traditions she had been brought up with. Adding in her insecurities to the matter, I was left feeling a lot of guilt over food. I have a compulsion to eat every stinking bite on my plate! When I go to a restaurant and I'm presented with an over abundance of food I KNOW it's too much food, but after years of being told to "clean my plate, and you better want seconds!" I have to suppress that feeling. It's taken years not to stuff myself to the point of being physically ill.

My mom passed a few years ago. I don't hold a grudge because I can only focus on the "right now". I am trying as a mother myself not to carry on that guilty tradition. My son could certainly eat healthier foods (He's such an incredibly picky eater so it's a struggle!) but I do not force food on him. I ask him to try new foods to encourage him to eat better (this normally consists of me having him try a bite to see if he likes something), but I do not make him take plates of food nor do I make guilt-laced remarks if he doesn't finish what he has or if he doesn't like something. I'd like him to view food as, yes, something that can/should be enjoyed but also that it is a fuel for his body, and that his body and brain will tell him when he's had enough.

It makes me feel good knowing that I'm trying to make better decision and pass them along!

Dreamer2012
01-18-2014, 08:49 AM
My mum is overweight and I definitely don't blame her for me being overweight. In my childhood up until my teens, I was always fairly thin. My mum would cook home cooked meals majority of the times, but the McDonalds wouldn't go a miss as a treat as well as some chocolate and sweet things. Regardless of this, I always stayed thin and I had a fairly healthy diet filled with fresh foods, fruits and veg.

I started to gain weight when I was around 16 or so. This was when I was out with friends more, started drinking alcohol and could go and spend money on countless amounts of junk food. I've made all the decisions from an age I could. It's now my choice to begin to be healthy again and get into a healthy weight range.

skmyna
01-19-2014, 12:06 PM
I don't think that way.My parents, both are not fat but I had a overweighted body from my childhood.Even though I used to be a cricket player I always had fat in my body.I have purchased one weight loss program from click bank and started following their instructions.Now gradually my fats are melting and now getting my real shape.Regular swimming also helped me a lot.

Mad Donnelly
01-19-2014, 12:49 PM
I blame my weight gain not on the things that my parents did or did not instill in me but by moving less and less and just getting older. I've never really done a lot of dieting. I knew I wasn't going to give up sugar or turn into an athletic fiend so whatever I gained, I gained.

Now I've finally come to terms with giving up sugar and all bread products and starchy vegetables. Now I'd like to come to terms with becoming more athletic. I wish I could get the endorphins to kick in so it doesn't seem like torture. My parents were never exercisers but they did a lot of work in the yard which helped keep them not slim but not as large as they might have been. I hate working in the yard; and, most of the time, it's way too hot to do it. I don't see many of my neighbors out in their yards either.

diamondgeog
01-19-2014, 01:07 PM
I was thinking more about this. My mom was single, had me at 20, and had her own struggles growing up. She never learned how to cook. Our MOST 'home cooked' meal was Hamburger Helper.

I grew up on government school breakfasts and lunches, TV dinners A Lot, fast food. Remarkably I didn't get obese probably because in my urban environment we were always active.

But in retrospect I was never healthy and certainly not robust. I thought I could not run. It was probably because the food while keeping me alive was not any kind of fuel for roubustness. I did tire easily. And this was when young.

Now having learned to cook, learned nutrition, and luckily having the ability to buy good food I am in the most robust health of my life.

imabehot
01-19-2014, 01:19 PM
My birth dad was really skinny birth mom was skinny but then eventually becam overweight. No I do not blame my parents. I simply stopped caring, got low, and fell in love with food. I also blame puberty-at least for when I was fat from age 12-14. Otherwise puberty is not the cause.

OthelloLove
01-19-2014, 02:07 PM
Yes, my mother is overweight. I was raised with horrific eating habits. I never knew that you were not supposed to polish off an entire bag of chips or Entenmann's cake instead of eating a serving size. Shockingly, I grew up a very thin (even underweight) child.

When I got older, I maintained a healthy weight. After having children, I gained and gained. I gained weight due to my own crappy eating habits and lack of exercise. Do I blame my mother? Nope. I blame myself, and myself only. I am in charge of my own choices, not my mother.

Serenity100
01-19-2014, 06:30 PM
Since I am a mother of a 26 yo daughter, I think I will chime in. First I don't blame my parents for me being fat. Neither of them are.

My daughter gains weight easily, as I do. But she wasn't going to fight the fat her entire life like me. She changed her eating habits completely, runs and trains for marathons, does yoga. Yes, she has to work it to be within normal weight. My beautiful dd is not skinny despite the fact she runs marathons.

I am grateful that she has adopted healthy eating and exercise habits.

When you are a parent you will understand you do the best you could. period. To blame your parents for being fat when you are now an adult is simply not taking over your own life. jmo.

HuggerBunny
01-21-2014, 08:15 AM
Yes, my mother is overweight, and has struggled with her weight her entire life. I do not blame her at all for me being overweight, though. That's all on me. In any case, our food "issues" are completely different from one another. When I was growing up, she would cook a fairly healthy dinner most nights, but would never eat any of it. I didn't see her eat much, but she'd do things like polish off almost an entire brick of cheese or almost an entire carton of ice cream when she was alone. The odd thing is she didn't try to hide it per se, she was compelled to leave a TINY bit of whatever it was, so there'd be a half gallon container of ice cream in the freezer that had been full the day before, but now had 3 tablespoons of ice cream left in the bottom. I have my own issues, but they are different from hers. Even if they were, I'm big on personal responsibility and think people can certainly be at a disadvantage in certain areas because of how they were raised, but in the end, it's up to them.

Roo2
01-21-2014, 08:59 AM
Blaming your mother is easy !
Now if your Mom was the type of mother that fed you soo much that you could be on. The Maury Povich Show. Where they parade little kids around that weigh as much as a small adult, then yes it is her fault and those type of parents should have the child removed from their custody.
We all have a past but that does not prevent you from reshaping your future .... You have to quit looking back and place your attention forward to drive you in the right direction.
Hanging on to stuff just gives you excuses for why I am not to blame! Hey really does it truly matter .... Realize your mom did the best she could at that time in her life, let it go and keep on stepping!
Unless you are being force fed now ..... We all have Choices!
Make choices to leave past hurts ,disappoints in the past, it is hard to carry all that excess package! it's like going on an Airplane trip and bringing a bunch of useless crap that you don't need and having to be charged extra .... When you should have just left it at home.:hug:

Pattience
01-31-2014, 08:30 AM
I don't think its particularly helpful to blame our parents. Even if you do recognise that you've got their genes and they taught you what you know about food initially and all the rest.

I think our parents were doing the best they could and sometimes that wasn't very good. But it was still the best they could do. And when we become parents, if you get the chance, your mistakes will come down to the same thing.

So all you can do is try to correct the mistakes you've grown up with and not perpetuate with your own kids.

Its better to forgive our parents mistakes because holding onto a blame idea can just mean holding on to bitterness and hurts us ourselves.

ReNew Me
01-31-2014, 09:08 AM
Hmm, interesting thought because I've wondered about this very question myself nearly all of my life.

I'm an only child and NEITHER of my parents have ever had weight problems. My mother was one of those people who was underweight as a child/teen and never thought twice about her weight until menopause, when she thickened up a bit. We were a very active family, owning horses and running a farm, and my mother was a good, wholesome cook.

And yet I was a fat kid, from about age 3 or 4. I was born in 1965 and I can remember wishing I looked like Twiggy, Cher and all the other stick thin actresses and models of the 1970s. There was no junk food in the house, no sodas, only very, very, very rare take out and yet I was still well into the 200s by the time I hit junior high. Then I developed an eating disorder and the cycle began.

Now ... my household was also dreadfully dysfunctional and I was an abused child. I still suffer from PTSD and anxiety that stems directly from childhood. I also was deathly ill when I was 2, losing my appetite and a lot of weight and my mother probably overcompensated when I finally recovered. I'm naturally big boned, but I also got VERY tall, very fast. Finally, I think I've always had a low grade undiagnosed gluten intolerance that got very bad when I hit my 30s, and that's when the weight really piled on.

A lot goes into what happened with my weight. Food intolerances, young obesity, nearly 10 years of eating disorders and major anxiety issues contributing to excess cortisol production and now the joys of being 48 and perimenopausal.

I can't blame genetics, though, or my mom's cooking. I can lay at least some part of the blame to the household situation, though. I do think my depression and anxiety have really added to my screwed up metabolism.

LilDazed
01-31-2014, 09:11 AM
I can't really blame my parents. My dad has always been a bit overweight (loves his couch), but my mom has always been pretty fit.
When I was younger, my parents got me into sports so I was very athletic as a kid. When I reached the age where I started making my own eating choices, that's when things started slipping up a bit.

But I put zero blame on my parents. =D They were good influences.

Paulitens
01-31-2014, 11:02 AM
I do blame my overweight partly on my poor genetics. My dad struggled with his weight, my grandma did too. Growing up my mom would indulge me and cook unhealthy foods because that's what I liked to eat as opposed to eating vegetables. But it's not my parents' fault. I think my bad eating habits are the problem above all.

coffeeshopgirl
01-31-2014, 11:22 AM
I think it's a lifestyle issue more than genetics. We're conditioned to sitting in school for 8 hours a day with limited recess, then we sit in an office for 8 hours a day, limited mobility, and then we're supposed to lose weight with a sedentary lifestyle and a slower metabolism.

It takes a lot of energy to break that cycle of coming home, sitting down, and eating until it's time for bed. Sometimes I come home and wonder if I was just meant to fat as I get older.

I think it's just a matter of perspective and we gotta make sure not to lose sight of it.

cdavidowsky37
01-31-2014, 12:01 PM
My parents are both Baby Boomers and grew up in the "carb-this, carb-that" era. With five kids in their house, it was easier to feed us a plate of spaghetti and meatballs than it was to make a big, healthy meal of veggies and protein. It wasn't for a lack of trying, though - we ate a fresh salad with dinner every single night and went through gallons of fat free milk every week. We were the family that took advantage of the "buy 10 gallons of milk, get the 11th free" deal at a local store in town.

That being said, both of my parents struggle with depression. It wasn't diagnosed for most of my childhood, but after they saw their doctor it became painfully obvious. My diet was mainly carbs growing up - sugary, overprocessed and refined ingredients in everything we ate. My dad made a home-cooked meal for us every night except for our Friday nights when it was take out and TV. That was our weekly treat. But, the foods we were getting during the home meals were meat and potatoes, noodle casseroles, etc.

All of my siblings are massively overweight now. I'm the skinniest one in my family, mostly because I inherited my mom's genes and played softball during my adolescent years. I tried to be active but I never knew how and didn't have anyone to coach me. It wasn't until college that I finally started to go to the gym and learn everything I know now.

Today, I chalk my bad habits to pure laziness. I don't like to blame my parents (and I just hate that word, like it's a cop-out!), but I know my family members have poor diets and none of them work out like they should. Simply due to a product of the times back then - carbs were ok, carbs were good for us. They were energy. No one knew there were so many different carbs, though. And don't even get me started on the food industry and its hold on government...

MissSMcC
01-31-2014, 01:33 PM
I don't blame my parents, I blame all the crap I've eaten.

Wannabeskinny
01-31-2014, 03:43 PM
From a recent meme I saw:

"It's not that diabetes, heart disease and obesity runs in your family. It's that nobody runs in your family."

Terra1984
01-31-2014, 08:16 PM
I dont blame my parents for me being fat, My mom's and dad's side of the family are both over weight so I think thats a small part of it but most of why Im fat is because I ate too much fast food after high school and I didnt work out so the weight just kept piling on to where it is now but since Jan. 16th I have started dieting and working out. When I was growing up my mom's mom always thought me and my brother's were too skinny and I remember seeing a picture of my self when I had sunken cheeks so I would say I was too skinny then, I only had fast food one time growing up and I never drank soda growing up. I had my first soda in middle school and if I had known that I would of gotten addicted to it then I would of never had one but I cant change that now. Anyway thats a little background on me and how I grew up.

lotsakids
02-01-2014, 01:02 PM
I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a functional alcoholic for a dad and a mentally ill mother. We were on the feast or famine diet. Eat while there is food to eat because tomorrow they just might forget to buy it. I went to school hungry a lot because there really wasn't anything at home to eat, I went late because my mom was in bed and I was too young to tell time. I told the lunch lady (back then you brought your lunch or you didn't eat) that I'd already finished. We always had dinner though. Either my mom cooked or my dad on his way home from the bar stopped and got fast food. Home cooking to me looked a lot like KFC! There were four of us kids so you ate , and ate fast or you'd be hungry. Because of the lack of supervision, I was molested and I fed my feelings with food. When we got a little older, we would steal money out of my mom's purse and go to the corner store to buy junk food, she was usually so out of it she didn't notice. Of course when she was with it, there was h*** to pay.
Can I blame my mom or dad? maybe but what good will that do? Ultimately I've had to take responsibility for my own eating. I fight the old feelings of eat or starve all the time but I know why I feel that way and it does make it easier to deal with. My childhood weight gain was not my fault. Staying that way has been and I will continue to work it all out.
It has taken a lifetime to figure out that I am not going to starve. The eat it now because you don't know when you will get it again mentality hasn't served me so I have to be the one who changes it.

Melonlefey
02-02-2014, 02:53 AM
My mom was overweight, but she had obstacles of her own (alcoholism, for one). I don't blame her AT ALL. In fact, I can remember all throughout my childhood/teen years when she would try to get me to be healthier, warning me that certain habits would make me fat, etc and I was too stubborn/defiant to listen. (I did stupid things like buying 2L of regular soda and drinking it all/eating lots of McDonalds)

In fact, it wasn't until my mom (and a friends mom, who I considered a role model) both lost a lot of weight about my senior year of high school that it clicked for me that I needed to lose weight.

I only blame myself, although I certainly blame her for getting me on track to losing weight ;)

Radiojane
02-07-2014, 05:48 PM
My father was well over 700 pounds and died due to complications from weight loss surgery. So if I wanted to, I could easily say "yeah, look what I came from". Food was the cheapest form of entertainment (and easiest, since getting my dad to leave work or the house was next to impossible), so I could point to that too.

BUT - I was 20 years old when I lost my dad. I knew better. I knew the future I faced. Yet it still took me 6 more years to start to actually do something. My brothers aren't obese. I had the ultimate cautionary tale and I chose to ignore it.

Not my parent's fault. Mine.

I do make allowances for myself. I'm just starting to realize now how hard my life was between 19 and 25, as well as the damage that was done by some aspects of my childhood. I really never saw it that way, but knowing "normal" makes a lot of it come in to focus. I understand how I came to depend on food and hide in my weight.

Still, it doesn't make it anyone's fault but mine.

paigeinabook
02-07-2014, 07:20 PM
This is a profoundly interesting thread and having read through everyone's responses, I certainly understand how complex a question this is to answer. For me, I could never imagine blaming my mom for ever having to do with my gaining weight. She's been my cheerleader, motivator and teacher all my life as far as struggling with my size goes. When I was in high school, I was just beginning to struggle with my self image and it was a strange situation because my twin sister had been dealing with it long before I was. When I was in 7th grade, I had a huge growth spurt and got pretty tall so all of the weight I had on me sort of diffused into that spurt and I didn't look like I weighed quite as much anymore. My twin was different. She's always been shorter than me and she never quite had a growth spurt - definitely not like the one I had (partly I think that has to do with her having started drinking coffee when we were in middle school through) - and she started struggling with her body issues toward the end of freshman year. She started not to eat and joined the cross country team and she got to a size 4 or 6 (while I was wearing a 12 and I thought that I looked perfectly fine). I realized that I didn't look anything like my sister and so I joined the track team with her. My mother was incredibly encouraging of this and by doing this together, she and I developed healthier eating habits. I started eating healthier.... And she just started eating.

I would never blame my mom for how I turned out to eat after high school.... College is just so conducive to UNHEALTHY eating habits. I do have to say that as a child, there were always vegetables in my nightly meals and I don't even know when I actually got to have soda the first time (probably when I was 8 or 9). We always had whole wheat, skim milk, low fat of everything. I was taught early on what healthy eating looked like.

My dad is a different story. He had become rather obese and despite early on being very healthy in my household, as we got into middle school it became convenience meals practically most nights. I try hard not to get onto him about his eating habits now but it is so difficult for me. I just want him to be around to grandfather my kids when I have them one day. He told me recently he's somewhat afraid of where his life path has taken him and I know he's scared of his body size. That being said, I certainly do not blame him for my weight gain as a kid (although he apparently fed my sisters and I two meals each for just one. That stopped abruptly once it came to light to my mom that he was doing that).

Even though both of my parents are overweight, more than I'd like to admit here, I would say that they truly did the best they could for my sisters and I while we were growing up. I learned healthy eating habits from my mother and it's my fault I didn't adhere to it when I got to be an adult.

So no, I don't blame them at all. Maybe because I was raised to be respectful and fiercely loyal to them, or maybe because I was raised early on knowing that blame is a stupid concept. I truly do think that placing (and holding) blame on somebody is the worst thing you can do for your spiritual and mental health. You can consider the factors that make you the way you are, but at the end of the day you are you and you can't blame anybody, aside from yourself, how you became the you that you are today.