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novangel
12-28-2013, 11:29 AM
About us deciding to have a destination wedding in the Caribbean. I feel it will be nice to have the ceremony and honeymoon/vacation all in one. I haven't been on a vacation since 1995!

We're both older and this will be our second marriage. We both did the church/reception thing the first time (I didn't get a honeymoon) and talked many times in the past years about how if we did it again we're eloping. We've both never been big traditional wedding people but first time around wanted to make others happy. We're NOT doing that again.

Truthfully I didn't think anyone would really care but now there's several people complaining and others deciding that they are going to make it there if they have to sell their first born son. I told them to save their money but I guess they're looking at it as a chance to vacation too. So if they come, great. If people can't afford it I completely understand. Everyone is welcome to be there if they can. We expect nothing, not even gifts. Nada.

I'm happy with our decision but I'm tired of every single person saying "What!? Why!? You can't do that!!" when I tell them we're having a destination wedding. Sheesh, people. This is about us, no??

My Mother is gone who is the most important person to me besides my son. With her out of the equation I don't really care for other's input. I didn't tell my Dad yet, he's a total pessimist about marriage in general so I will save myself the negativity speech for another day.

I always felt weddings we're a hassle...I thought I was unintentionally doing them all a favor. :shrug:

I guess I should feel loved and cared about that so many want to come but I was expecting a little more support.

Thoughts??


bethFromDayton
12-28-2013, 11:37 AM
I love weddings. I love being there as two people exchange their vows. It makes me think about my own vows and it makes me part of the commitment to support them as a couple.

Given that, I really don't like destination weddings. It would basically mean that to be there with my friends, I'd give up a choice of vacation and would only be able to attend their wedding that year--it would make attending other weddings very hard, since the money and time involved in traveling would be so great.

I understand wanting a honeymoon. And I understand wanting a destination wedding. But you shouldn't be surprised that people are balking at choosing between spending $2-4k to attend your wedding and not being there with you at that special magical time.

(2-4k? Well, $500 [or more] for airfare * 2, $500 for a hotel for 4-5 nights, spending money, anything fun they do while down there, food--I don't see how it'd be possible for a couple to do it for under $2k)

That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding.

I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there."

Best to you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

novangel
12-28-2013, 11:54 AM
That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding.

I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there."

Best to you and congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

Thanks. :)

We certainly don't expect anyone to be able to to afford it, and don't expect anyone to be there except my son. I guess I'm biased since I (and my siblings) don't "love" weddings. If my closest friends decided to elope I honestly wouldn't be upset.

I guess it's all relative.

It's not that we "don't care" about them not being there, it's that we are doing what WE want this time around. It's about us. I guess that makes us a little selfish but I have lived my life to make other people happy for as long as I can remember.

Edited to add: My brothers have zero care about attending, it's my Aunt and 2 friends that are harping.


sheramama
12-28-2013, 12:11 PM
I always loved the idea of a destination wedding. Several of my friends had them. One of my friends actually had a live stream going on a site she had set up for friends and family who couldn't come. Then they had a party once they got back.

This is YOUR wedding. It shouldn't be about anyone else. If they are upset about it, then that is their issue. Don't change it for that. They'll get over it, but if you didn't do it, you are the one who will live with that regret. Much luck to you :)

merilung
12-28-2013, 01:01 PM
I hate weddings and honestly would love the excuse to not go - and on the flip side, if you were getting married somewhere I wanted to go, I'd love the excuse to go on vacation!

TheSecondHalf
12-28-2013, 01:17 PM
I think it's totally understandable for adults who have been married before and who have been together for a while to just run off and get married. Maybe you can stop discussing it and just go on vacation...and get married while you're there.

Congratulations and best wishes!

ICUwishing
12-28-2013, 01:19 PM
Ditto Merilung! Vegas wedding = pass. St. John on the beach, you betcha. I have also always bent over backward to make other people happy, and it definitely ruffles feathers when you mess with expectations.

Still, I can appreciate Beth's desire to be at weddings, and here's a possibility to consider. Have the wedding professionally videotaped, and invite the aunt and company over to watch after you get back. You'll find out really quick if she actually wanted to be there, or if she wanted to find out how much influence she still has over your decisions. ;)

amandie
12-28-2013, 02:27 PM
You've already got a lot of good suggestions- videotaping or live-streaming/skype sort of thing for whoever cannot come.

Definitely do what you and your hubby-to-be want. I recently learned that I cannot always please everybody and sometimes it's OK to be selfish.

Congratulations!!!

Wannabeskinny
12-28-2013, 03:46 PM
It's your wedding, your day, your decision. You don't owe anyone an explanation of why you're doing it this way and for those people who are complaining now they'll be complaining no matter where you decide to have it. You made it clear that if someone can't make it that you don't hold it against them and so what's the big deal?

Bethfromdayton says "That's a lot to expect even a sibling to spend to travel to your wedding. I'm not saying you can't do it, but what I hear when a couple plans a destination wedding is "The bridal couple doesn't care if I'm there.""

And I say, exactly. Maybe the bride does NOT care if you're there and that's OK!!!! Because... and wait for it.... it's not about you, or anyone else for that matter. It's just a wedding, it's about the couple.

Arctic Mama
12-28-2013, 04:49 PM
I think destinations weddings are fine, but allowing for or planning a small 'reception' when you return is a nice idea, so that friends and family can celebrate with you a bit, too. I had my wedding where I lived (Juneau) instead of my hometown (San Diego) and we planned it this way - it was such a blessing to spend a lunch with my friends and family who couldn't fly all the way to Alaska, and I know it meant a great deal to the family members who (unlike me) love weddings. It was pretty casual - pot luck, cupcakes, and lots of chatting. But it scratched the itch for my California people who were mad that I didn't make my groom's entire family fly down to have a ceremony there :)

CherryPie99
12-28-2013, 04:55 PM
My husband and I - after living together for many years - made the decision on Sunday to get married. We had the ceremony that Thursday in the courthouse where I work by the Judge that I work for. My mother and brother were there and some work friends and that's it.

My wedding, my effing choice.

Afterwards we sent out an announcement that we had gotten married (this was in March) and that we would be having a party in the summer.

We did have a casual outdoor party/reception in July and invited everyone - most people showed and we had an awesome time. Everyone wore shorts and t-shirts and it was just like a summer party although we did cut a wedding cake that a friend made for me.

Maybe you could have a casual reception some time later for people that can't make it?

Jen

TheSecondHalf
12-28-2013, 05:54 PM
It truly does not matter what you decide, someone will complain. Do what you want. As long as you don't have any expectations of anyone else, you're good.

shea
12-28-2013, 06:21 PM
I lost my mom too and do not think i could do a large wedding with out her. Im not getting married but something i thought on recently when discussing a friends plans. Though im really shy and when center of attention tend to want to hide in corners which could be awkward, but my mom would enjoy every moment.
I think it also seems like a nice way for you, your son, and husband to make some great memories together. If you feel the need a little party could be nice. Just something easy and laid back. You could flip the reception and have a bon voyage party so everyone can send you off with good wishes.

novangel
12-28-2013, 08:54 PM
Thanks for all the input. I'm definitely sticking to my guns on a destination wedding and we can consider a small (very casual) get together like some of you suggested, and/or video.

I wasn't looking for validation I just needed to vent a bit. I really hate unsolicited advice, especially about weddings or how to raise your children. I feel that's too personal.

I had one friend dictating her sister's wedding to the point that I told her to knock it off. She was having a fit about the bridesmaid dress and was worried how SHE would look in the photos. Are you effing serious?? I told her it's not your wedding!! People need to get a grip.

I will announce the plans when they're set in stone. If people can't make it we are 100% understanding about that. We have no expectations for anyone to pay thousands to come see us..that would be insane if we did. I'm definitely no Bridezilla.

This one day will be for us, as it should be. :)

bethFromDayton
12-28-2013, 09:00 PM
I have a different view about weddings, because I don't think they're all about the bridal couple. (Yes, I know not everyone agrees with me, and that's okay.)

I think of witnessing the exchange of vows as a community thing--when DH and I married 7 years ago, we wanted to share our vows with those people who care about us and want to support us as a couple and be a part of our larger community. Of course, many of our friends and family members had to travel--even if our destination was "where we live".

Personally, I don't care for the "we'll get married privately but then have a party for people to come and give us gifts later" model. I don't really understand the draw of it.

Now, just because I want it doesn't mean couples need to do things my way :-). Every couple makes their own choices and I would never say what I've just said here--and certainly not as bluntly--to friends who have made a decision. In this case, novangel asked.

For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

(I bet you can tell I don't like wedding re-enactments when the couple is already married but now wants a "real wedding".

But as I said, that's my take--other people have different views--and will make the decisions that feel best to them.

novangel
12-28-2013, 09:38 PM
For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

You're taking it to a personal level. It's not that I don't want them there, I/we decided we want the ceremony in the Caribbean years ago and we don't expect them to pay to attend. They will get over it. If we have it here (which is not what we want) we will regret it.

kaplods
12-28-2013, 10:55 PM
I understand wanting a destination wedding, but I also understand being hurt by a friend or loved one's choice of a destination wedding.

When I've been invited to destination weddings (which I couldn't hope to afford), it didn't just feel like they wouldn't expect me there, but that they wouldn't miss me, didn't want me there, or wanted me to move heaven and earth to be there to prove my loyalty.

The invitation felt like "if you love us, you'll find a way to be there," or worse, "we won't miss you, but don't forget to send us a gift."

My husband and I initially considered a destination wedding, but changed our mind when our families objected (which reminded me how I had felt when invited to a destination wedding I had no hope of affording).

Choose whatever is most important to you, but realize that some people will feel hurt, dissapointed, and disrespected, and they aren't wrong either.

You're not responsible for their feelings, expectations, or reaction to the wedding location; but likewise, they're not responsible for your feelings, expectations or response to their reaction...

You're entitled to the wedding of your choosing, and your friends and family are entitled to their feelings, whatever they are.

mygirlvj
12-29-2013, 01:11 AM
At the end of the day ... it's your wedding.... your special day. Do what makes you guys happy. Invite everyone. If they can make it, great... if not, too bad. Maybe you can have a small intimate party to celebrate with those closest (complainers) too you when you get home.

Whatever you decide I hope it's what makes you and your soon to be husband the happiest. Congratulations!!

Wannabeskinny
12-29-2013, 10:00 AM
I have a different view about weddings, because I don't think they're all about the bridal couple. (Yes, I know not everyone agrees with me, and that's okay.)

I think of witnessing the exchange of vows as a community thing--when DH and I married 7 years ago, we wanted to share our vows with those people who care about us and want to support us as a couple and be a part of our larger community. Of course, many of our friends and family members had to travel--even if our destination was "where we live".

Personally, I don't care for the "we'll get married privately but then have a party for people to come and give us gifts later" model. I don't really understand the draw of it.

Now, just because I want it doesn't mean couples need to do things my way :-). Every couple makes their own choices and I would never say what I've just said here--and certainly not as bluntly--to friends who have made a decision. In this case, novangel asked.

For what it's worth, though, I do understand having a small private wedding--just not the throwing a reception later to invite people you didn't want to be there for the Real Thing.

(I bet you can tell I don't like wedding re-enactments when the couple is already married but now wants a "real wedding".

But as I said, that's my take--other people have different views--and will make the decisions that feel best to them.

It's a simple fact that a marriage is between 2 people. Whether or not other people are in attendance of that is irrelevant. The amount of money and time and energy wasted on lavish events shouldn't be a factor, especially if the OP feels like this is her second time around, has already done the big-to-do-wedding to please other people, and wants to do things in a way that will satisfy her this time. It just goes to show you that you think weddings are about selfishness and about receiving presents. I've attended lots of weddings where people request no presents, the OP might be deciding something similar. People throw themselves parties all the time, just because it's a delayed event doesn't mean they need to feel shamed for not inviting someone to "the real thing." The only real thing here is the committment 2 people make to eachother, and if others want to celebrate with the couple on the couples' terms then they should do so without reservation and without judgement. In fact, a wedding doesn't have to be much more than a drive down to city hall, signing a contract and getting a stamp on a piece of paper. Anything beyond that is a celebration that is to be or not to be shared at the couples' discretion. Everybody gets to do their own wedding their own way, other people's weddings are their own business and should be treated as a completely reverent event as it pertains to the couple. Personal judgements and expectations will always lead to disappointment.

TheSecondHalf
12-29-2013, 10:24 AM
I had one friend dictating her sister's wedding to the point that I told her to knock it off. She was having a fit about the bridesmaid dress and was worried how SHE would look in the photos. Are you effing serious?? I told her it's not your wedding!! People need to get a grip.

Having shelled out for quite a few bridesmaid and now flower girl (I have a 7 year old) dresses (and hair and makeup and shoes and showers and gifts...), I don't think it's too much to ask not to hate the dress you're paying for (and the subsequent several hundred that come after that).

There's a happy midpoint between bridezilla and guestzilla. It's not hard to find.

And I guess I'm just not that "offended" by people not arranging their whole wedding so that I can be there, or rearranging their lives to attend mine. My best friend couldn't be in mine, and I had to work for hers. Fifteen years on, still best friends. One of my brothers had a destination wedding and we couldn't make it. My brother-in-law and his family couldn't make it to our wedding. We live in different countries. It was a tough trip to make with two small children. No hard feelings. Life goes on.

Wannabeskinny
12-29-2013, 10:49 AM
Having shelled out for quite a few bridesmaid and now flower girl (I have a 7 year old) dresses (and hair and makeup and shoes and showers and gifts...), I don't think it's too much to ask not to hate the dress you're paying for (and the subsequent several hundred that come after that).

There's a happy midpoint between bridezilla and guestzilla. It's not hard to find.

And I guess I'm just not that "offended" by people not arranging their whole wedding so that I can be there, or rearranging their lives to attend mine. My best friend couldn't be in mine, and I had to work for hers. Fifteen years on, still best friends. One of my brothers had a destination wedding and we couldn't make it. My brother-in-law and his family couldn't make it to our wedding. We live in different countries. It was a tough trip to make with two small children. No hard feelings. Life goes on.

The bridesmaid dress is a toughie for sure. Because you are after all paying for your own dress. It'd be different if this is a dress the bride buys for you, then you've got nothing to complain about. But taking part in a wedding is very costly and it requires a lot of time and energy as well.

My former ex BFF from high school and I are no longer friends because of her wedding. At the time I was a poor college student and had to travel back home to attend the wedding, I was the only out of towner and I was the maid of honor. So I had to go back and forth to attend dress fittings, bachelorette parties, throw a bridal shower, etc. I was living on canned tuna and ramen noodles quite literally and the traveling was wearing me and my wallet down.
I didn't complain about the ugly dress (and it was really really ugly, lavender chiffon with a gray bodice made of crushed velvet!) and the bride had suggested that we could wear whatever silver colored shoes we chose which was perfect because I had a pair of strappy heels that worked.

I arrived the day of the wedding and was promptly given a pair of unwearable slip ons that the bride "fell in love with and just had to buy for the whole bridal party!" and of course was given the $27 receipt as well. Of course this was upsetting and I might have complained a bit. I was informed (1 hour before the wedding) that I was relieved of my maid of honor duties and that Christine would now be the MOH because "she was there for the bride the whole time and I was absent and unavailable to really BE THERE for the bride." That was a blow but ok whatever, this is her day and I'm here to be supportive. She is my best friend at the end of the day.

After the wedding she would never answer her phone anymore, totally cut me off. I received a letter from her saying that my dress was wrinkled and that I ruined all the pictures of her wedding. (the dresses were stacked in the limo on the way to the ceremony, mine was on the bottom of a stack of 8, there were no steamers there so nothing I could've done about that). I tried contacting her over and over again and one day her husband picked up the phone and said "since you ruined our wedding my wife never wants to speak to you again." And that was that, 15yrs later we reconnected on facebook but we really don't speak at all, sometimes we "like" each others pictures but it's never gone further than that.

Sorry for the rant, weddings can be so stressful lol.

bethFromDayton
12-29-2013, 12:23 PM
It just goes to show you that you think weddings are about selfishness and about receiving presents.

I feel a little obligated to defend myself here--I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together. As for presents, at our wedding 7.5 years ago, we didn't register anywhere and whenever anyone asked, we said that all we wanted was the gift of their presence--that we appreciated them being there for us. (And when BFF asked, I didn't want a bridal shower.)

I know that I feel a special bond with our friends who were there with us when we married, and a special bond with couples who invited us to share their marriage vows. If that's selfishness, though, I'll own it.

This has nothing to do with the size or expense or fanciness of the wedding. Most of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years (including my own) have been done on a budget.

Everybody gets to do their own wedding their own way, other people's weddings are their own business and should be treated as a completely reverent event as it pertains to the couple.


I agree--everyone gets to do their wedding their way. The OP asked for "Thoughts?" and I've shared mine.

novangel
12-29-2013, 08:18 PM
I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together.

This is where we differ. You're certainly entitled to feel marriage is a community thing, I just don't feel the same. Probably because when my first marriage imploded crickets were chirping.


I've attended lots of weddings where people request no presents, the OP might be deciding something similar.

We definitely don't want or expect presents and will make that known. BTW, you ex-BFF is a horrible person. Kudos for even accepting her FR, I would've blocked her.

Wannabeskinny
12-30-2013, 09:36 AM
I feel a little obligated to defend myself here--I think weddings are about a community level of support to a couple embarking on their commitment together. As for presents, at our wedding 7.5 years ago, we didn't register anywhere and whenever anyone asked, we said that all we wanted was the gift of their presence--that we appreciated them being there for us. (And when BFF asked, I didn't want a bridal shower.)

I know that I feel a special bond with our friends who were there with us when we married, and a special bond with couples who invited us to share their marriage vows. If that's selfishness, though, I'll own it.

This has nothing to do with the size or expense or fanciness of the wedding. Most of the weddings I've been to in the last 10 years (including my own) have been done on a budget.



I agree--everyone gets to do their wedding their way. The OP asked for "Thoughts?" and I've shared mine.

Oops, sorry I did not mean to imply that YOU assume that weddings are about presents, I was typing that before my first sip of coffee yesterday :dizzy: I meant that many people see their weddings as a way to receive presents. I can certainly understand the allure of gifts whether they be monetary or household items.

Wannabeskinny
12-30-2013, 09:45 AM
This is where we differ. You're certainly entitled to feel marriage is a community thing, I just don't feel the same. Probably because when my first marriage imploded crickets were chirping.




We definitely don't want or expect presents and will make that known. BTW, you ex-BFF is a horrible person. Kudos for even accepting her FR, I would've blocked her.

Well said novangel. When I was younger I listened far too much to other people's opinions, made people feel included and was generally a giver. But you are so right, whenever things have gone wrong there are far less people around than there were during the good times. We all learn that the hard way over the years. A community is as a community does and I'm willing to bet that bethfromDayton probably has a loving and wonderful community around her. Maybe she really gets along with her inlaws, maybe her cousins have all been by her side at celebrations and times of need, maybe her siblings have rallied around her when she's in turmoil, maybe her friends have never abandoned her when she's not feeling her best. This is the sort of community that I WOULD like to have around. Unfortunately for me I've been disappointed time and time again and as I grow older I'm less and less willing to extend olive branches and be inclusive to people that don't contribute much to my happiness.

I have another friend, not a close friend but someone I've known for 2 decades that I occassionally hang out with still. She told me that she hasn't spoken to her mother in 2yrs. My initial reaction to that is to think it's awful, and to wonder how a person can go 2yrs without speaking to their mother. She doesn't visit her, she doesn't pick up the phone when she calls, she doesn't send her a holiday card, etc. Now she hasn't gone into detail about what happened but I'm willing to guess that they probably got into a big fight right? If I were a bit younger I'd probably judge my friend for not doing everything in her power to nurture this very important relationship in her life, but being a little older, wiser and having witnessed things in my life I couldn't imagine now I'm a little more open minded and think to myself that a person who can shun their mother must have a very complicated and strong reason for doing so and that is not to be taken lightly. I think it takes a lot to make such a move. Sorry for my rattling, but I strongly agree that life is short, we need to do not only what makes us happy, but we need to make some difficult choices sometimes that ensure we will not get hurt.

Oh, and about my BFF - I only told my side of the story. I'm willing to bet that I was in the wrong somehow, that I probably wasn't there for her the way I should've been etc. But the problem is that she's never spoken to me since so I don't know specifically what she is upset with me about other than the wrinkled dress and the fact that I lived in another state and didn't have much money. I'm sure we could've worked it out if she was willing to at least talk to me. I wasn't trying to paint myself as a victim, it's just that I only have my side of the story and can't imagine what her side is.

novangel
12-30-2013, 10:58 AM
Well said novangel. When I was younger I listened far too much to other people's opinions, made people feel included and was generally a giver. But you are so right, whenever things have gone wrong there are far less people around than there were during the good times. We all learn that the hard way over the years. A community is as a community does and I'm willing to bet that bethfromDayton probably has a loving and wonderful community around her. Maybe she really gets along with her inlaws, maybe her cousins have all been by her side at celebrations and times of need, maybe her siblings have rallied around her when she's in turmoil, maybe her friends have never abandoned her when she's not feeling her best. This is the sort of community that I WOULD like to have around. Unfortunately for me I've been disappointed time and time again and as I grow older I'm less and less willing to extend olive branches and be inclusive to people that don't contribute much to my happiness.

This is my thought too. She must have a really solid group of family/friends which is wonderful. I wish I could say the same. My aunt and one friend that wants to go are very nice people but 2 aren't enough to make me change wedding plans. My family is practically nonexistent. It is what it is though.

bethFromDayton
12-31-2013, 01:17 PM
I am fortunate to have a wonderful community of friends and a typical mix of close and not so close family members--that does influence my feelings about weddings.

I also admit to being somewhat of an idealist and quite sentimental.

Novangel, I do hope your wedding is what you want--and just the beginning of a lifetime of happiness.

novangel
01-04-2014, 11:04 PM
Thanks everyone. :)

I have another question.. Since I don't expect anyone to be able to come do I still send out invites?? I don't want to NOT invite people but I don't want to put any pressure by sending invitations either. How should I go about this?

I think my step Dad plans on coming (spoke to him on the phone) so I don't want to piss anyone off by thinking I invited him and not anyone else.

This is very casual so maybe a mass email to immediate family and close friends? I know a lot of people frown about using Facebook. I feel mailing invitations will send a message that I'm expecting people to show up.

FML I should've just eloped and said nothing.

Wannabeskinny
01-05-2014, 08:35 AM
Whatever you decided to do just know that you will pi$$ someone off one way or the other. I don't see any problem with sending out a mass email announcing the wedding as happy news. Add a note that says something like "though we are not accepting any gifts nor burdening anyone to make the long travels, those that wish to join us on our wedding day are more than welcome to join us! "

novangel
01-05-2014, 10:21 AM
Whatever you decided to do just know that you will pi$$ someone off one way or the other. I don't see any problem with sending out a mass email announcing the wedding as happy news. Add a note that says something like "though we are not accepting any gifts nor burdening anyone to make the long travels, those that wish to join us on our wedding day are more than welcome to join us! "

That's perfect wording! Thank you! :hug:

I was also thinking about maybe saying in lieu of gifts please donate to thyroid cancer research in my Mother's name at Mayo Clinic in Rochester MN. Also being optional of course...or is that too morbid?

Wannabeskinny
01-05-2014, 11:28 AM
No, it's not morbid at all. People will naturally feel inclined to give something and people will feel good giving to research.

novangel
01-05-2014, 04:07 PM
Great. Thanks again for all of your input. :)

krampus
01-05-2014, 04:16 PM
Good luck. Do your thing.