I have been gaining. Up to 299. I console myself with, it's not 300. Who am I kidding? If I owed you 2.99, I'd give you 3.00. I have just come off a binge. Much like an alcoholic. Ate everything I wanted - no rules - no boundaries.
I've been thinking. I think it's a personality trait, the way I deal with food. I am realizing that I also deal with many things in my life the same way.
Credit Card debt. I have tons. I have been completely out of debt twice before, only to rack it right back it up. I recently got a consolidation loan. Deal was NO CHARGING. But then I had to pay $1,900.00 for my TMJ. Well, nothing I could do about that. But then I charged another $200 for something that was necessary, but if I were serious about keeping the debt gone, I would have waited on. It's just $200 right. And *Poof* the debt is on it's way back up.
Filing. I have this great filing cabinet set up for all my bills, receipts, policies and so on. Where do I put all the stuff? In a box next to the cabinet. 2 years worth of stuff sitting there right now. I get soooooo frustrated when I have to search for something, I swear that I will file it all and never let it get like that again. I have done that (filed it all) then one day, I run out of time, say I'll file it next week, which turns into next month, which turns into next year and *Poof* Are you seeing a trend?
And finally we have my diet. Same sad, pathetic story. I wonder if I were 135 lbs, if I'd try harder to stay there? kinda like 2 years worth of bills sitting there, what's 4 more pieces of paper. 299 lbs of fat on me, like 2 more cookies will make a difference. It's kinda like I am more concerned with making today good (Spending less time paying bills, buying what I want, eating what I want). And I don't worry too much about the consequences of tomorrow. It's a vicious cycle. Is that Instant Gratification?
07-07-2003, 09:58 AM
I'm on my out the door, but just wanted to show support-I know how you feel. You can do this-one little step at a time. I'll pm you later...
my husband and I are off work today, and are going to be running around like idiots getting things done while Matthew is at school-the billion boring errands that are easier without my sweet little turning four years old tomorrow (my baby is growing up too fast!) along.
07-07-2003, 09:59 AM
I can so identify with your situations. I get an area of clutter cleaned up, and keep up with things for a while, then slowly, due to lack of time, or being tired, I let it go ~ will take care of it tomorrow ~ and soon the clutter has built back up again and I have to start all over again.
Same thing with my "cluttered" body. 2 years ago, I was down 40 pounds ~ almost half way to my goal. Then stopped being so diligent, and so the weight has crept back on and so in this area too, I am having to start all over again.
If I can offer anything to anybody, maybe it is to learn from my mistakes. I know how hard it is to lose this weight, but do it now while you are young, because when you get older it is harder. Health problems start to happen, and it makes this journey harder.
07-07-2003, 10:04 AM
Sandi - don't feel alone. I am a creature of procrastination and instant gratification, myself. I've done so many of the same things you mention, and I'm still fighting it. But I think I have finally reached a point in my life where I'm sick of being that way. Which is certainly not to say that I've all of the sudden become my idea of perfect. What it means is that I am starting slowly to make the changes that will make a difference, and when I fall off, I make a point to get back on again. With my eating, my exercise, my bills, my debt, the whole bit. I am tired of living that way. I make lists, and I force myself to get things done, whether I feel like it or not. (Most of the time, which is better than none of the time) ;) I am learning discipline. Slowly. I am learning patience. (argh) SLOWLY. One of the things that has really helped me is a change in perspective. I see the words sad and pathetic in your post. At one point that is exactly how I felt about my story. I think around February of this year I got tired of feeling that way, too, and got a little angry at myself. Then I decided enough was enough. I didn't want to hear my own excuses anymore. I got sick of rationalizing. Now I face myself and everything I do every day, and one thing I try to remember is if nothing changes, nothing changes.
:grouphug: I think the fact that you're searching for answers and trying to understand is a huge step in the right direction.
07-07-2003, 10:20 AM
I am learning discipline
I think that's a big thing for me. Self discipline. I don't have any. I do what I want. Somehow, I have always been able to get away with it. Like right now - I should be reading a manual I need to review for an exam. But instead - I'm doing what I want to do and checking the boards. How do you "learn" self-discipline? Or is it just kind of a "Just do it" kind of thing. I am trying AGAIN today, back on plan. And I did almost 1/2 my filing over the weekend. But I always TRY here and there. But not enough to makle any difference.
07-07-2003, 10:46 AM
I think self discipline comes from "just doing it" over and over, consistently. Oprah once said that you'll never wake up one day and be disciplined, you have to become that way by disciplining yourself day after day, week after week.
You've got my support. . . don't beat yourself up too much, it'll only make you feel worse. Go back and read your wonderful prose "Jacob I promise you." You said it was your "click".
07-07-2003, 10:50 AM
I'm thinking that's the attitude I need to take. Suck it up and Just do it!!
07-07-2003, 10:59 AM
For me it became a matter of enduring whatever I had to endure to reach these little ol' dreams of mine.
You're strong, that anyone can tell! :cp: You have wonderful incentive to deny yourself temporary gratification for lasting gratification. . .your family, your sweet boy.
Endure it for Jacob, it's what mothers do best, I think.
07-07-2003, 01:04 PM
That's where lists helped me a lot. It was visible, tangible proof that I had either NOT accomplished or that I HAD accomplished what I knew I had to do.
Irish, I think what you said about discipline is really true. It's a matter of just forcing yourself to get with it, to do what you need to do, over and over and over till it becomes a lifestyle. Though I wonder sometimes if we ever get to the point where we don't have days where we just really want to hide under a rock and not deal with things.
And like you, Sandi, I want to be a good example for my kids. I don't want them to hit their 30s and be frustrated and unhappy about their lives like I am in my 40s. I would like them to learn self discipline earlier. I think it's easier that way. :D
07-07-2003, 02:35 PM
I just wanted to let you know that you just summed me up in your post. I couldn't believe it when I read it. That is my life in a nut shell. We have SO much in common. And it did put a reality check on my life!
I just went into the "back on plan" mode today and have already fallen off, but I'm not giving up today. I just "forgot" about the mess up and went on. So far, so good.
I also think this is a one day at a time thing. They say it takes like 8 or 10 weeks for a habit to form. So if we can just stick with it that long ( I know, it seems like a life time for me), it should become easier!
Hope my 2 pennies helps, lol.
07-07-2003, 02:36 PM
I'm right there with you.
It reminds me of a co-worker of mine back east. She was on the really religious diet plan (I can't remember the name of it) and she was a mother of two sons. She set some goals for herself and she started losing weight. Her husband complained that the house had gone downhill, so she started concentrating on that. Then he complained that they were still in debt. So, she started concentrating on that. She found out that everytime her focus changed, even a little, everything else would go out the window. She got out of debt and gained twenty pounds, the house would look like a Martha Magazine and they'd go into debt.
I'm not saying it's hopeless! I'm just saying she was biting off more than she could chew.
I'm pretty much the same way. I've been an "all or nothing" girl in the past and that gets me NOWHERE. I get frustrated after a week and give up. Like, if my house looks great, you can bet that I haven't been to the gym all week.
But I learning little steps can help.
I don't go to bed without the dishes done. (Ha! I've got an ant problem to remind me to do it). I make sure to leave the house with my lunch (so I don't spend any extra money) and my gym clothes (so I never have an excuse why I'm not at the gym).
These are slowly becoming habits for me.
In my world, I'll never be able to be disciplined. But maybe by picking a couple of things and making them habits, I can accomplish more on a permanent basis.
07-07-2003, 04:52 PM
I think you probably described a lot of us here, I know it fits me. You always have such great insight.
You are already making great progress by realizing that you have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, and force yourself to stay focused. Just think that if you weren't making these changes, then your weight would continue to go in the other direction, so even staying where you are, or having small losses is a major accomplishment.
I'm really proud of you and you should be proud of yourself.
07-07-2003, 09:27 PM
Self-discipline--it's a hard one! At least you're taking stock of yourself now when you're younger and seeing what you need to do to change. I much prefer the easy way out, and letting things slide, but at my age, I can get into some major health issues if I let my weight keep going the way it was going.
I like RavenToy's idea of lists. Lists have helped me immeasurably. When I make a list, I love checking stuff off, which really motivates me. That's my gratification. That's what I like about Fitday.com because I get to see stuff in black and white--how many calories I've burned and how many I've taken in.
They say the first step is recognizing something, and you're doing that. I'm betting you have what it takes to make it whether it be weight loss or filing! :)
07-08-2003, 02:12 AM
I just want you to know you described me to a tee! I'll start a diet in the morning and off by noon. I know all the "rules" of dieting or eating right. But I just don't do it. I try with the bills and know how I want them filed or paid, but just don't do it. I've only been here at 3FC for a few days..but i'm learning so much by reading all the post. You have lots of support here...and we all are routing for you! Hang in there and take it one day at a time..cuz we can't change what we did or did not do yesterday..but only try to do better tomorrow. :)
07-08-2003, 09:30 AM
I think we all share similar traits, and being married to a serial procrastinator/pack rat (in my case) certainly doesn't help! :lol:
Go visit www.flylady.net. Marla is a woman who had the same problems we did, then slowly got her life back in order. Most of her site concentrates on having a tidy home, but she talks about tidiness in other areas of life, too. She's kinda sappy and if you join her free reminder service she will bombard you with email. but I guarantee there will be something in there that clicks for you.
It's baby steps....
07-08-2003, 11:01 PM
Your post was heart-felt. I feel that way every minute of the day (and usually somewhere around 2 a.m. when I wake up and feel like I've wasted my life). I promised myself that I would start my diet and get back on the exercise program on July 1st and just let it all drop because of my usual trauma from the in-laws. I'm still letting it drop because work is jerking around my schedule.
I'm trying to keep in mind something I learned in Aikido about a million years ago: in Aikido, there are no hits or kicks, it's all about releases and balance breaks. My teacher told us that it was possible for one person to deal with many attackers by focusing and dealing with only one opponent at a time while you kept moving. So I'm trying to think of my life that way -- my house is a mess, I'm stunningly in debt, my kids are young, my marriage is rocky and I'm 360 lbs with all the attendent pains of being morbidly obese. At this point, I won't be around to deal with any of the rest of it without dealing with the weight so that's what I'm focusing on. I'll keep moving on the other stuff -- they are all important -- but it'll be simple stuff. Most important is dealing with the weight.
If the weight were simple to deal with, I'd've done it already. It's a hard slog. But once I've dealt with it and the stuff behind it, I think I will have done something incredible and all the other stuff I have to fix in my life might not be easy, but it won't compare to the journey I'm on now and I'll have a clarity and a inner knowledge that I can get through it.
Thanks so much for sharing your heart.
07-09-2003, 01:24 AM
I don't have anything wise to add to the great comments the others have made. However, here's a big hug for you.
(((((Sandi))))) We all have the "instant gratification" problem. Otherwise, we'd never choose this bite right now over health. We all can relate to what you're saying. It's hard to know how to get out of the cycle. it's a heart-breaking place to be.
07-10-2003, 12:28 PM
Sandi I have a lot of the same problems that you do. However I've come to the realization that I can only do so much. I have work, I have my son and husband and other family, I have the house, I have myself (not necessarily in any particular order) and I have 24 hours a day in which to do it plus get a little sleep. So figuring that you have at least 16 hours or so of awake time figure out what it is that you do all day. Maybe there is some stuff you can cut out. Do you need to get a sitter for Jacob for an hour or 2 a day so you can spend some time doing things for yourself? I have daycare and I don't know how stay at home moms manage to do anything with a toddler in tow. Are you spending too much time in front of the tv or computer? Everyone needs some leisure time but there are limits. I'm just throwing out some random thoughts, things that are my personal downfalls. As much as I love coming to 3FC I've come to the realization that I sometimes spend more time here than I do actually doing something to lose weight and that just doesn't seem right. Yes I do get support here but I don't log in everyday and leave a million posts anymore. I used to spend hours and hours here but sitting on my butt in front of the computer isn't helping me to lose weight if I don't act on the motivation and support that I get. It can be a viscious circle.
anyway I've kind of rambled here but what I want to say that in the long run there is so much stuff that doesn't matter. What matters is you, your health and your family. If you don't take care of that first the other stuff doesn't mean diddly. You're not going to be worried about how clean the house is or what your debts are if you keel over from a heart attack.
07-11-2003, 06:23 AM
I SOOOOO identify with your post! I feel the same way. I think the clutter in my life whether it be the piled up mail on the desk, the pile of clothes that needs to be folded or the piled up pounds on my frame NEEDS to be dealed with daily and not on such a random basis. I also feel the areas of clutter in my life are related to something else. I don't know why I handle so many things in my life this way but I do......Or, maybe it is just an excuse to not just do it. Not wait for the inspiration or the spirit to move me but to just get off my butt and do it. Get on the treadmill (with my sisters illness and me spending so much time at her house an occasional walk outside is all I have been doing), focus on eating more fruits and veggies and less sweets, and just fold the blasted towels.
I think if we get this figured out and bottle the results we could rule the world. I would pledge allegance to anyone who could give me the pill that made me drop to a size 6, keep my house immaculate and clear the clutter of my mind.
07-12-2003, 01:00 AM
A pastor/therapist walking companion once pointed out that people "like us" (you decide what THAT means:D ) are excellent at delaying gratification... after all we all want to be thin, fit, debt free, sexy, (fill in the blank)... but we aren't.
Her point was that what we are horrible at is coping with feelings of defeat, unworthiness, sadness... etc. So we comfort ourselves with sugar/fat/salt... etc. etc. AD NAUSEUM.:bb:
It's pretty awful to think that we have to suffer to improve... but perhaps those emotions are just indicators of what we want that we aren't getting... V. Satir says pain is unavoidable... but suffering is a matter of choice.:p
I am still wrestling with daily emotional pain... champagne taste and diet-coke budget, Jackie O style and Ethel Merman shape (on a good day). I just need to practice... those pains are NOT life threatening. My fat is.
When I set three tasks per day I actually get things done. But that's all I can manage. After a month, I change what is on my list.
Thanks for the thread:crossed:
07-12-2003, 06:29 PM
Boy, you could be writing my story. I just got done catching up on getting my checkbook in order. It's STILL not balanced, but I need a break right now! Self control is my biggest problem. It affects every area of my life-not just my weight. I'm learning to make small changes where I need to, not trying to do it all at once.
Don't get discouraged. You're making progress-one step, one day, one pound at a time.
P.S. to Jessica: :D Good reason to keep those dishes done-fire ants! :yikes:
07-15-2003, 12:07 AM
Sandi that is me to a tee. However I'm saying the heck with the other stuff and going for the weight loss. Because if I don't lose the weight I'm not going to have to worry about the other things. I'll be dead from a heart attack. I'll take care of the other stuff after I take care of myself.
07-15-2003, 12:21 AM
I cannot help but feel a little bit like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory: I want it NOW! when it comes to weight loss. It doesn't matter that I know it didn't pile on overnight, nor will it come off overnight. I still have Veruca moments.
07-15-2003, 08:39 AM
SAPF, LMAO!! I love that! Veruca moments, I'll have to remember that!! I have many of those.