Weight Loss Support - Getting your Partner involved in weightloss




kailpea
12-12-2013, 10:46 AM
I'm really frustrated. I know you shouldn't badger a person about needing to lose weight, and I know that if someone were pestering me abut my weight I'd get really mad. But I have a had a terrible time trying to motivate my husband. He knows he needs to lose weight, and he wants to lose weight too. We have talked extensively about it. More recently, it has been him that finally got me to really get back on track. He suggested that we start blogging about our weightloss together, since we both have about 100 lbs to lose. We created the site a few weeks ago, and I kinda ran with it and have made a couple posts since then. Still nothing on his end. I've been counting calories and have been cooking relatively low carb and I have lost about 3 lbs already which I thought would be motivation for him, but still no movement. I have suggested My Fitness Pal to him, but he kinda shrugs it off. He seems to think that he can lose all the weight he need to lose by just exercising, and not eating better, but he hasn't even done that! I do the cooking in the house, and do to my work schedule I usually cook once or twice a week and portion meals out of what I make. So the things he is eating are decent for him because it's the same stuff I'm eating. I think that he should take a more active roll in deciding what he eats so he can make better choices rather than me making the choices for him, but I just don't know how to motivate him.


gardenerjoy
12-12-2013, 10:59 AM
My DH loses weight just by eating what I plan for our meals. We also take walks together. Maybe your DH will see results from the changes he made because you're making them and then be more motivated.

For us, we agreed a long time ago that there's little we can do to fix each other's problems or motivate each other to do it for ourselves. That's why I get so much from 3FC. I'm better off letting it all hang out here than with him. He has his own ways of dealing with stuff. Cheerleading, not coaching, seems to work best between the two of us.

FickleHearts
12-12-2013, 11:22 AM
That sounds a lot like my husband.

He whines about losing weight and then sits in front of the TV all day eating frosted mini wheats. o_O

He's losing weight though simply because I do all the cooking and grocery shopping and he's forced to eat whatever I make. Lately that's been a lot of grilled meat and veggies. I will give him points on going to the gym with me now and then however. Even though he only does 15 min on the treadmill and then 15 mins on the strength circuit, at least he's doing something.

What frustrates me the most is the fact that he refuses to weigh. Okay, I'm a little obsessed with the scale LOL, but he never weighs unless it's an after thought or I prod him. I can tell he's lost weight, especially in his face and his pants fall off a bit now, but does he care? No. He just refuses to get serious at all. :mad: He's one of those men that can drop weight super fast without doing much at all while I'm a woman with a hormone system that hates me.

:shrug:

Should or shouldn't, I did badger him. Then I just gave up. He'll do what he wants and I love him fat or skinny. :) It does get annoying when he complains though and then does nothing about helping himself. But what can I do? I totally understand your plight, but it's a decision he has to make himself. I tried to get mine to log on MFP, but he told me he wants me to do it for him. Um, no honey LOL.


Mrs Snark
12-12-2013, 11:29 AM
My advice to you: beyond being supportive when/if he talks about it, and saying positive things about your own experiences as you go, don't get caught up in your husband's weight loss process.

Nobody can really do this until they are REALLY ready (like really REALLY ready), and that timing can be tricky and very personal. It is so INTERNAL.

Focus on yourself, lead by example, be joyous about your experience and changes. And certainly be encouraging and positive if he asks for input. But he has to find his own way, and you have to find yours!

You're doing great, so keep it up!

newleaf123
12-12-2013, 11:37 AM
Knowing he needs to lose weight, and wanting to lose weight, are the first steps for your husband in this process. The next step is deciding to lose weight, and only he can decide this for himself. As I'm sure we have all experienced, knowing and wanting are one thing, deciding is something completely different.

So... I would just let him be and cheer him on if/when he becomes ready. He will get there... or he won't -- but as you said, you love him regardless :hug:

ETA: Oops, that was fickleheart who said she loves her husband regardless. But I'm sure it goes without saying that you do, too :)

pixelllate
12-12-2013, 11:41 AM
I suspect that this is the "faux loss stage" where they talk about it but deep inside, don't feel like doing anything concrete for it (yet).

This may be a prelude to the "real effort" stage, but it can be confusing for others who see them complain about their weight - even though you make it easy for them to hop on board with your current efforts, they aren't taking advantage and being proactive. On the plus side, at least they aren't the partners who end up being "weight loss saboteurs" =D

Munchy
12-12-2013, 12:03 PM
My advice to you: beyond being supportive when/if he talks about it, and saying positive things about your own experiences as you go, don't get caught up in your husband's weight loss process.

Nobody can really do this until they are REALLY ready (like really REALLY ready), and that timing can be tricky and very personal. It is so INTERNAL.

Focus on yourself, lead by example, be joyous about your experience and changes. And certainly be encouraging and positive if he asks for input. But he has to find his own way, and you have to find yours!

You're doing great, so keep it up!

This exactly! I would be very upset if my SO pushed me to lose weight. It's such a personal experience.

After my divorce, I lived with my parents and became the house "chef." My father is slightly overweight and has high blood pressure. My grandmother (who was living there as well) has diabetes and high blood pressure. I also had a toddler. Between everyone's dietary issues and requirements, I just made sure that there was healthy food aplenty readily available for everyone. I would make healthy dishes like zucchini "noodle" lasagna, turkey chili, turkey/zucchini meatballs and homemade marinara, split pea soup, chicken enchiladas, beef stew so that there were always plenty of leftovers for everyone to eat.

I figured the most that I can do is give them plenty of available options. Guess what? The food ALWAYS got eaten and everyone automatically reaped the benefits without me having to push any agenda on them.

shr1nk1ngme
12-12-2013, 12:25 PM
My husband is already thin; too thin. As he ages he is staying really, really fit as far as cardiovascular health goes. His job as a construction foreman involves a lot of walking and sometimes climbing HUGE amounts of stairs (when he is working on a building which has stairs but no elevators yet, he sometimes has to climb twelve flights of stairs several times a day.)

However, because he is no longer in the heavy lifting part of the job, and he refuses to lift weights, he has lost a lot of muscle mass over the years. His legs may be strong but he is just not taking care of his upper body and abs. And even his legs are like stalks. He was always tall and lanky, with solid but very lean muscles. But now he's just, well, skinny. It's all aerobic, but no weight bearing exercise. I don't know how to tell him that a heart-healthy but scrawny husband is not necessarily a good thing. When I get into the weight training phase of my program, I plan to try to drag him along. But I am still not sure how to approach the subject.

crispin
12-12-2013, 12:37 PM
Nobody can really do this until they are REALLY ready (like really REALLY ready), and that timing can be tricky and very personal. It is so INTERNAL.


This is something he has to do for himself.

diamondgeog
12-12-2013, 01:04 PM
I am the one losing weight and my wife is trying to now. I did have to reach a 'breaking point' moment and those are unique and individual.

What is hard for me now to back off nagging are two things. As part of my process I sought out a lot of resources about the health consequences of being overweight. They motivated me. But knowing all that and seeing her not really getting into it like I have is hard.

Second I know how great I feel. Much better than I thought I would. It is so awesome. And I want her to experience it. So it is hard for me to not have her experiencing it. I know she would have so much more energy, clarity, just enjoy moving and so forth more. You WANT them to experience it also.

So I have these things I want for her: not wanting to have health consequences as much as possible, avoid the negatives. And then I want her to experience the positives.

Hard, hard topic.

GlamourGirl827
12-12-2013, 01:12 PM
kailpea - I understand where you are coming from. I have posted about this exact issue many times over many years. There is a lot fo great advice on this thread, lots of words of wisdom.

What is helping me come to terms with my current weightloss journey (again after baby #3) and my DH refusal to do any beyond talk to lose weight is to make the choice that I will not let his weight change my life. It sounds weird and maybe selfish, but after each baby, I lost the weight (not to mention I was about 160 before babies) and was active and healthy. I got into running after my last son, and I wanted more than anything for DH to be active too. I wanted to share this lifestyle with him, but it wasnt going to happen. I felt a lot of resentment because he is my best friend..I'd rather run with him than anyone else.

But I made the choice to live my life. I found other people to run with, and I made plans for active activities, with other friends or with the kids. My oldest son and I have done races. Its very sad because DH is excluded from these things...although we did do a family 1 mile fun walk together, but that was after I did a 5K race with some otehr friends.

I tell DH all the time (especially now that I'm working back towards a healthy weight and better fitness) that I want him to be a part of this life with me, that I will support him anyway I can, but that I will not wait another 7 years for him to start taking action to lose weight. Doing this has help remove a lot of frustration on my part, because before it was like I couldn't make him lose weight and I had put in so much effort to lose my weight but it was like I was still living an obese life in a way...I felt bad not being him partner in crime when it came to over eating or sitting around, and I feel guilty going out on runs when he was just sitting at home...but no more. I live for myself, I enjoy the spoils of my efforts...and already since having the baby my weight is coming off.

You husband will only lose weight when he is ready. If there was any way possible to force someone to lose weight, I believe I would have figured it out already! j/k...

p.s. ignore all the typos!

JohnP
12-12-2013, 01:16 PM
I was like your husband for years as probably many of us were.

Nothing you can say to him will change anything and the source of your frustration is magnified when you focus on it. The solution is to stop worrying about what he does or doesn't do and focus on what you can control, yourself.

kailpea
12-12-2013, 01:22 PM
What frustrates me the most is the fact that he refuses to weigh. Okay, I'm a little obsessed with the scale LOL, but he never weighs unless it's an after thought or I prod him.
Should or shouldn't, I did badger him. Then I just gave up. He'll do what he wants and I love him fat or skinny. :) It does get annoying when he complains though and then does nothing about helping himself. But what can I do? I totally understand your plight, but it's a decision he has to make himself. I tried to get mine to log on MFP, but he told me he wants me to do it for him. Um, no honey LOL.

Mine never wants to weigh either. We had talked about losing weight for a few months until I completely broke and decided I could not live this way anymore. I weighed in and I urged him to weigh in. He did, after I nagged him about in for a night and when he did he was 15 lbs heavier than what he thought he was. I think it really depressed him to see that, and so maybe that's why he has been complacent. For me though, I have been weighing everyday and I think he feels like its a little obsessive, but it keeps me motivated.

And it's true, I'll love him no matter what, but I just want us both to be healthier. He has so many things he wants to do, and I think his weight holds him back.

He used to be very physically active in high school and college. But after years of having a desk job, the pounds just piled on because he didn't change his eating habits to reflect his lower activity levels. I didn't know him back then, but I think a part of him thinks that he should be able to eat whatever he wants and he isn't going to gain weight. I can convince him that for one his metabolism slows down as he ages and he isn't going vigorous exercise on a daily basis anymore.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts!

freelancemomma
12-12-2013, 02:04 PM
I'm really frustrated. I know you shouldn't badger a person about needing to lose weight, and I know that if someone were pestering me abut my weight I'd get really mad. But I have a had a terrible time trying to motivate my husband.

You probably already know this, but I don't think you can light another person's fire. My mother used to nag me about my weight (and I was only 10 to 30 pounds overweight, depending on the year) and it never worked. Every once in a while I would hear that "click" within me and lose the weight. When I was motivated, nothing could stop me. And when I wanted to overeat, nothing could stop me either. The best you can do is serve as a role model. If he likes what he sees, he may be inspired to follow suit.

F.

designchick88
12-12-2013, 03:35 PM
I can so relate to this. I feel like we've talked about it at length, but we always fall off the wagon. We switch who is "motivated" and who "needs a nudge" - which is the way it's going to be I suppose, but if I'm going to help nudge, I need one as well once in awhile! It's tough to when someone says they want to do something, but you don't want to be a nag.

I really took control of what we eat (for health and budget reasons), and I think that's been the best option for keeping myself on track, but feeling like I'm helping my husband. Like Munchie, it's like I'm the house chef - it's not in your face, in fact, it's helpful, but it helps everyone eat better. I don't know what to do about the gym though....

kelijpa
12-12-2013, 06:37 PM
You've gotten lots of great advice I'd just like to add try not to let negative energy overtake you and derail the progress you are making or change who you are.

Best to you :sunny:

Wannabeskinny
12-13-2013, 09:57 AM
By expecting your husband to follow your lead you remain dependent on him and codependence is never a good thing. Don't let your fate rest on whether or not he weighs in. It'd be great if your goals and motivation align but in this case I think it's best if you maintain independence from him. That doesn't mean that you cook yourself a separate meal while he indulges in pizza. Cook as if you're a healthy family, but otherwise he's on his own and so are you.

Becoming a healthy person means we have to change who we are. And once we change who WE are then we suddenly have different expectations of others, especially our family and spouses. When I met my husband and got married I was a different person. I didn't enjoy exercise, I didn't care about physical activity goals and I didn't like being outdoors at all. But now I changed. I like hiking, I like kayaking, bike riding, tennis, I want to try paddleboarding, I want to try going skiing, I want to run a 5k. I'm suddenly EXTREMELY interested in physical activity. But my husband has remained the same, he's still the guy I met and the way I was before we had a lot in common. I can't expect him to change. Luckily he's always been healthy and slim and never over indulges in food. He doesn't have a negative relationship with food like I do. And he likes anything I cook be it "healthy" or low carb or whatever, he's always on board with it so I have the benefit that he doesn't fuss.

But I've learned that we can't be the family that bike rides together, or goes to the gym together, or even hikes together. I try my best to change that, but I can't change him you know? He just has no interest in those things. I have to fulfill my needs on my own and find other people who enjoy doing those things.

zihlman
12-13-2013, 08:49 PM
I think something like having a talk with him about how you both could be doing better in this area could be appropriate. Then maybe talk about diet and exercise plans you can work on together?

MarleneV
12-14-2013, 02:27 AM
I took almost a year to get to my goal weight. When I had 25 lbs left, I suggested to my husband that he could lose the last few with me. He chose not to. After I had hit goal & maintained for a few months, then he's decided to lose. He still wants to lose 10 or so, and he does things I wouldn't do, but I just support & help as he allows.

You have to let the SO come to their own decision and do it in their own way. Love them where they are...

Wannabeskinny
12-14-2013, 12:47 PM
My cousin and his wife own a pilates studio. They both work as personal trainers and they share the same philosophy in nutrition/health/food/exercise etc. Their relationship was probably founded on it. I'm sure that if one of them suddenly stopped exercising or started gaining weight that their relationship would suffer greatly. My point is that when health/nutrition goals change for one person then it does change the dynamics of any relationship. If you met your husband and indulged in food activities from the get go like going out for pizza and burgers all the time then changing that is a big deal. Your husband could just be resisting against change within your relationship. Change can be difficult.

gembabe
12-14-2013, 04:18 PM
God, I know exactly what you mean, my boyfriend complains about needing to lose weight while eating Haagen-Daz ice cream...ugh. I have learned he has to want to do it or it just won't happen.

I have lost over 50lbs and he's still eating ice cream! Truthfully I listen, offer suggestions and eat a salad...maybe he'll get a clue lol