General chatter - Frustrated and overwhelmed

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12-06-2013, 10:38 PM
I just worked my last day as a bartender. I quit because I have 2 other jobs and the stress of the 3rd was getting to me. I have been working 3 jobs, or working 2 and going to school, for a year and a half. My boyfriend just let me know he expects me to go back to school next fall. Don't get me wrong, I should, it's just overwhelming to think of adding college into the mix when the 5 hr a week bartending job was pushing me too much.

Then, I'm dealing with my ex telling my kids horrible things about me and my boyfriend. He told them if they loved my boyfriend, that meant they didn't love him as much, which led my 8 year old DS to lash out at my boyfriend, whom he really cares for. DS admitted why he was suddenly being so horrible to my boyfriend when we asked what was bugging him. It's because he feels like dad wants him to choose, and he doesn't want his dad being sad and lonely. At this point DS bursts into tears and tells my boyfriend he really does love him and he's sorry. Once DS was sure everything was ok between them, he went back to his normal self. I can't afford a lawyer to take him back to court for full custody, and I don't want to go off and tell my kids their dad is an abusive manipulative butthole for saying those things, so when they come around saying Daddy calls you bad names. Daddy hates you. Daddy hates (boyfriend). What am I supposed to do? So far I've just said that we shouldn't say hurtful things, but that not everyone will like me, and sometimes people WILL say mean things, but that I ignore them because I know they aren't true. That's all I can think to respond with. The boyfriend and I are going to get married in 2015 sometime. We've been seeing each other 2 1/2 years, and we've lived together since July. My boyfriend IS going to be in their lives, and they love him, so why can't he just chill out?! I've explained to my ex and the kids that their father will always be their dad no matter what, and we do 50-50 custody. Ugh.

Any advice or whatever is appreciated. I feel like My boyfriend and I (and the poor kids) are alone in this struggle with my ex.

Time for the 3rd shift I've pulled today. See you in the morning. :-(

12-07-2013, 09:42 AM
A. Your boyfriend isn't your father and you're not a child. He does not get to tell you what to do. He might suggest it would be a good idea for you to go back to school, but he does not get to "expect" you to go back to school and you have to comply. Two jobs, school, a relationship, and children are enough for anyone. Is he going to pick up two jobs so that you have time to study? If it's not a good time for you (maybe when all your kids are in school, or maybe when you're working only one job?), you can say so.

B. You're right not to criticize your ex in front of your kids. I heard a quote years ago when my parents were divorcing: When you dishonor the parent, you shame the child. And it's so true. Even if the "parent" is being a child himself. Continue telling him that Dad has some big feelings and you don't like how he's expressing himself but you both love them very much and they don't have to choose sides. Good job, Mom. It's really REALLY hard to be mature when the other person is not, but you're doing what's best for your kids. Maybe if they see that you don't react to Dad's mean words, then the words are not that big a deal and they'll feel less anxiety about the whole thing.

12-07-2013, 09:56 AM
I love the "Your Dad has some big feelings and sometimes he says mean things". Then add: "But that's OK, I have big shoulders. I'm not going to say anything bad about your Dad. Just know that we both love you very much!"

12-07-2013, 04:26 PM
That's why I don't criticize their dad in front of them. Even when he is calling me names in front of the kids, or bullying me in front of them, I largely ignore it and remove myself from the situation. He has a personality disorder, we think narcissistic, but I'm not sure, as well as depression/anxiety and an alcohol problem, so arguing or tossing out low blows really doesn't help me much. Plus I remember how it felt when my mom criticized my real dad. Even though he was never even in the picture, it still hurt.

The boyfriend really does want me to start school, and I asked him if he's ready to pull the extra weight, because I am not working 60 hours a week and going to school. This is one of those "cross that bridge when we get there" kinda things. He will be in nursing school, with only 1 semester left, by then.

I'm currently trying to find a place that pays more or gives me more hours so I can cut down to 1 full time job. My current full time job hired me in at full time, but has been cutting my hours to "spread the wealth" because the amount of hours she's been allotted for our unit has been drastically cut. Since someone went in and cried and begged for more hours, and my boss didn't have more to give, she cut my hours to make it even. So now I'm working 22 to 28 hours a week, paying out $100 a week in insurance, $50 a week because my ex won't get a job and requires support, and I'm stuck taking home next to nothing, requiring the extra jobs.

12-07-2013, 08:04 PM
If you are supporting your kids AND your ex, you need a new lawyer!

12-13-2013, 09:32 PM
Please make sure you document every incident with the kids (and make sure the kids don't know you are doing that). Also, I suggest keeping a clear budget on the necessities you are spending on the kids (schools supplies, food, medicine) and separate one for any fun or extras you spend on them. I suggest separating it because if do go to lawyer he may not think it is wise include the latter. If possible ask for checks if you ex gives you money, it for your protection and your ex's actually.

Lastly, this may all be jealousy. Did he want to break-up? Maybe a quiet conversation in a public place could clear this up? Your ex could truly just be sad about how everything turned out. If this can be solved without all the things I mentioned that is preferable not just for the kids but for your ex's and your well being. I hope that doesn't sound like I am making excuses for his terrible behavior but being sad, angry and bitter all at once eats you up inside.