Depression and Weight Issues - I can't believe he said that...




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mirax3
11-24-2013, 02:39 PM
Hi guys... I haven't been on here in awhile, mostly because I have been really ashamed of my weight gain. I'm not sure exactly how much I have gained back (I haven't even wanted to check), but I know I have gained some back for sure.

I have had depression/anxiety since I was 14 (I am 22 now), and it has seriously affected my weight in the sense that I binge in order to temporarily 'get rid' of negative feelings. I have told my boyfriend of nearly 4 years about this, and he just does not seem to get it at all. He will act like he understands, and then when he is mad he will somehow put it back in my face. I am aware that this would be considered by most to be abusive.

Today we got in an argument because he says that I am always self-conscious around him and that he is tired of it and doesn't understand why. We got in a fight about it and I told him its just so hard to which he replied that I have done it before (I was down to 169 last summer). I told him it's not as simple as that and he then drops this terrible bomb on me from which I am still reeling.

He told me in almost these exact words: "You act like you are the only one in the world who is trying to lose weight. Do you know that some women don't eat to lose weight? And you eat whatever you want. You shouldn't eat dinner. If you eat after 11, you are just going to get fat (to which I'm sure he was referring to something I had eaten the previous night when we were with friends). Your problem is that you like food too much and you are angry that you can't just eat whatever you want."

I am in utter shock... I have really never felt this low and although my friends are supportive, they have not really gone through the struggle of losing weight. I guess I am just looking for support because I am just so saddened by this. Food addiction and depression is something I struggle with every day and for someone I love and trust to trivialize it and insult me like that is incredibly hurtful. Not sure what I should do as I have been in a relationship with him for so long, but he was so hurtful and I really can't trust him with my feelings when I am already fragile as it is. This sucks!


PUPMOM5
11-24-2013, 04:01 PM
Not to jump to judgments here, but I'm going to be frank as if you were my sister/friend/cousin/etc without having any real knowledge of the fight you two had: this boyfriend does not seem worth your time. He uses your insecurities against you, and point-blank tells you that you should do something unhealthy (develop an eating disorder) in order to lose weight? What could possibly be the outcome of speaking to someone like that, if not solely to crush their self-esteem? And he very clearly does not respect your anxiety or your feelings.

Even if you complain about your weight 24-7, opening the door for his frustration and the topic for his opinion, he has no right to treat you like that. You deserve better. At the very least, you two need to have a conversation about boundaries and respect.

bargoo
11-24-2013, 04:27 PM
Kick him to the curb.


Fiona W
11-24-2013, 04:28 PM
I'm afraid I agree with PUPMOMS: this guy does not respect you, Mira, and that is a serious problem in your relationship. Self-acceptance and self-love are so important in the journey to lose weight and develop permanent lifestyle changes. It sounds as though he is undermining your self-acceptance at every turn.

A serious conversation between the two of you is in order. If he does not follow up by treating you with the love and respect you deserve, you must face the fact that he is emotionally abusive to you, and get out of the relationship.

Dollfaise
11-24-2013, 04:45 PM
I know this probably isn't going to be a popular answer but I wonder how much you've spoken to him about your weight over the course of your relationship and/or how much it's impacted your relationship. I wonder because SOs aren't magical creatures, they're human beings, and it weighs on a person to live with someone who is miserable with a situation they routinely cease to work on changing.

Before anyone gets upset, I've had Generalized Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and Depression for 12 years so I'm already well-versed on them. I've also had to lose weight twice, 30 pounds the first time, 50 (with more to go) the second. I used to complain to my own ex quite a bit about my weight. I didn't really begin changing myself until after we split up. Before that, I'd make half-hearted attempts at it. Meanwhile, I'd wear him down by whining.

I did the same with my current boyfriend for a bit - I just asked him if I did the same and he point blank said yes - but I've stopped. Instead, we go to the gym together and he's happy with me for it.

I didn't get the feeling he was telling her to develop an eating disorder but rather that some women will starve themselves to lose weight - which, speaking as someone who has done this in her past, is hard - while his own girlfriend can't stay under a reasonable number of calories which is healthy and doable. If he hears it a lot, if it impacts their relationship - which it seems to be if he's angry that she's insecure around him (yes, this weighs on a relationship) - then it's doing damage to them both. Weight loss journeys aren't always about just the individual seeking to slim down. As her weight and her emotions yo-yo, he deals with the affects.

Did he go about it the right way? No. Does he have a valid point? Possibly. The OP's friends are being "supportive" but what does that really mean if she's not losing weight and keeping it off? If she's still depressed and anxious and yo-yoing, what is she gaining here? Maybe neither approach is useful and she needs to find what works for her. His harsh style just upsets her but whatever her friends are doing hasn't seemed to make her healthier. So what is it the OP needs?

As long as her emotions and weight fluctuate together, it will be very difficult for her to be in a relationship with anyone. Her relationship with herself suffers too greatly. Going by the info under your name, it would seem you've already lost a good chunk of weight. Why not feel proud of yourself? :)

shr1nk1ngme
11-26-2013, 12:49 PM
My husband is like this too. He's just like, "Why don't you just stop eating?" So when I do (because I sometimes restrict WAYYYY too much so I can lose weight faster) and he's all, "Gee honey I sure appreciate all you're doing to lose the weight." And it doesn't bother him in the least that I'm only eating 400 calories a day for months at a time, as long as the weight comes off.

When I am fat (because I am a yo-yo and I go back and forth between fat and skinny every five years) he stops making love to me and he is really mean about it. He has a deep-seated hatred of fat people and he's always making comments about other people's weight.

I wish I had seen this side of him before we got married (but of course I was young, thin, and pre-kids then). My advice: get away from this guy before you end up like me.

EagleRiverDee
11-26-2013, 02:43 PM
Without knowing more about your BF, I wouldn't say "kick him to the curb". The bottom line is that what he said is a Man's way of looking at losing weight. When men want to lose weight, they often do exactly what he's suggested. Stop eating a meal per day. Most men I know- in fact, every man I know- does not have the fixation on food that I do. They also tend to just tackle problems rather than talk about them. It's a fundamental difference in the way men and women approach problems. Was he insensitive? Yes. Was he acting like a man? Yes. Now if he's always this insensitive, then maybe it is time to move on. If this is an aberration, then probably you need to talk to him about how much you need his support, not his criticism, while you try to lose weight.