Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - What BMI did men start asking you out?




sonickel77
11-14-2013, 03:16 AM
Hi everyone

how thin did you have to get before men showed real interest in you?
I occasionally get a look if I'm well dressed and happy - more looking and the occasional sexual proposal (not dating) when my BMI gets down to 26-27. But no-one's ever been seriously interested in me.

What BMI did you have to reach before men started to see you as relationship material?


ShelBl
11-14-2013, 03:27 AM
I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.

zoesmom
11-14-2013, 03:48 AM
I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.

^^^THIS^^^

I too met DH when I was fat, married him when I was fat, and have been with him for 8 years, still fat. Granted, I weigh less now than he has ever seen me weigh, but he loved me unconditionally, despite the weight. Before him, I had the same mind set, I had to be thin to feel love. Now, I just have to be me. Heck of a lot easier, never have to wonder if he'll leave me if I suddenly gain 70 pounds.


JollyGreenSteen19
11-14-2013, 07:51 AM
NOT the answer you want I'm sure, but the idea we all have that we have to be thin to be loved is absurd. My husband met me overweight and is still with me 120 lbs later.

I will say though that yes sometimes being obese is a turn off. Physical attraction is a large part of romance, and how you carry yourself plays a large role too. I think my marriage will be better when I lose weight because I will be more confidant and comfortable in myself.

MichiganBridetoBe
11-14-2013, 08:36 AM
I don't think I got looks because I was skinny, but it was probably because I was happy and confident as opposed to now where I feel like a blob in clothing. I got the most attention at BMI 30/29 (I'm nearly 5'10", so this was at a size 8). That's when I met my FI.

However I've dated guys seriously (2+ years) at weights ranging from 170-220.

kaplods
11-14-2013, 08:55 AM
Despite what we're taught to believe, men actually rarely make the first move. They generally only ask out women who've shown interest first by smiling, flirting, eye contact.

On some level, women know this, because men who DO make the first move, with unsolicited contact are usually rejected, shot down because they come across as "creepy."

I think as larger women, we're often taught to send out mixed signals (or no signals at all). When I was younger, I never wanted to appear "too interested" in a guy, for fear of rejection and humiliation.

I also think many guys who are attracted to larger women, or to women of varying sizes, sometimes tend to be a bit gunshy themselves about rejection, and they're doubly afraid of being shot down.

I met my husband through a personal ad I placed, at 375 lbs. My ad was confident, flirty and funny, and blunt about my size, my desired size and what I wanted in a partner and what I had to offer.

I got a lot more responses than I expected (though some were more than a bit odd, no odder than the guys my thin friends were dating).

I've always had better "luck" with men than my thinner friends, and I think that's because I've never compromised my standards. I was picky, bold, and confident (well that's not entirely true - I wasn't confident so much as I was better at faking confidence when I needed to).

mainecyn
11-14-2013, 09:50 AM
I was fat when I met my husband, I was fat when he married me, and I'm still fat 7 years into the marriage.

If you're looking for men that will notice you based on your BMI, you're either looking at the wrong kind of men or not looking at other aspects of yourself closely enough.

To suggest that any of us have to reach a certain BMI before we're considered attractive is insulting. I've seen plenty of women on here that are beautiful, period. To suggest otherwise sells us, and yourself, short.


Me too. I was at my largest when my husband went from being a friend to telling me "I'm interested in you romantically and don't want to lose you". I was shocked and denied for a long time. I had acted just as myself because I sure didn't see me as attractive or anyone someone like him would be interested in as he was fit and I was FLAB at 242 lbs. It took me quite a lot of time to accept that he could be attracted to me and to even trust him, thinking I might be a "rebound". Turned out, no.

I was atleast 220 lbs when we married. I was the one that was upset about my size, he never ever was. I wanted to postpone our wedding until I felt happy with myself and secure. He didn't want to wait.

I have to say also that from my experience, even when I was at this heaviest weight, I had men make "advances" they were looking for sex, didn't care what size the woman was. They weren't looking for a relationship, but it didn't bother them what size I was. I remember one saying as a compliment I was a nice person, always smiling, and always "looked clean" and that the right man might tone me up.

I remember thinking well that man isn't you..quickly left. I've heard from lots of women that a great deal of men don't really care what you look like size wise to have sex with you, relationship wise, maybe. But, I wasn't going to get involved with anyone that made me feel bad about myself.

I didn't loose the weight to make my husband happy, he never ever asked me to drop weight, never made me feel bad or said little comments, and he was always physically all over me no matter what size I was. He also was very sensitive to my feelings, he knew I didn't like myself and he would pull the blanket up during intimate times cause he could feel me flinch.

I remember one time when we were first married he kissed me all over telling me he loved me, when he got ot my stomach I pulled my hands over myself, he gently pulled them away and said that he loved every single inch of me and he always just saw the beautiful woman he loved when he looked at me.

My husband taught me never to devalue myself, and not to "settle". I never thought I'd ever meet anyone that loved me so completely after having a 15 year marriage end. My X had told me I had unrealistic expectations. My husband has always treated me with respect, affection, and shows me daily he values me emotionally and physically. Don't settle for someone, or any relationship, that doesn't fulfill you or that makes you feel bad for yourself. Don't ever put up with being put down by any partner..I stayed in a bad marriage emotionally and physically for years.:hug:

I still got stares as a large woman that made me uncomfortable, but they generally seemed to be more at my chest than my face if you know what I mean. Men are men.

I did learn from my husband that it is the confidence that is the main thing. It wasn't that I was sexier thinner, it was that I was more confident and out going, felt better about myself as I got thinner, didn't hide myself and was more open as the pounds came off..that's what my husband loves.

fitmom
11-14-2013, 03:36 PM
It's been my experience that men are attracted to a woman who exudes self-confidence. You can't really put a number on it.

earthecho
11-14-2013, 05:13 PM
Google "most attractive BMI for women". Many studies have been done on it.

rocksplash
11-14-2013, 05:19 PM
20.85 was the scientifically determined number. But that was for male students at a British university, so unless that's your demographic, take with a grain of salt.

JayZeeJay
11-14-2013, 06:34 PM
I think your physical appearance may influence a man's opinion of you because of what it may suggest about you, apart from the simple issue of attractiveness. Whether the impression given is accurate or not, it may be a factor.

For example, my fiance is very lean and fit. I asked him once what attracted him to me and he said "you looked like you could keep up with me". He was partially joking, but the truth is that he loves to mountain bike and snowboard and he was hoping to find someone who would do those things with him. I have complete confidence that he would still love me if I gained substantial weight. But his initial reaction to me was that I looked like someone who was compatible with him. I am fine with that - it does not seem superficial or shallow, especially as I was thinking something similar (I've always wanted a boyfriend who would go on long runs with me). I think studies have shown that people look for someone who looks like them, above all other factors. My theory is that it reflects our search for a compatible mate.

My .02, FWIW.

kaplods
11-14-2013, 08:57 PM
I've been obese all of my dating life and I met my husband at 375 lbs (from a personal ad I placed). Before that my romantic social life was sporadic, but seemed to ebb and flow with my confidence level.

When I was happy and confident, I dated, and when I was insecure and depressed, I didn't (and would reject anyone who did ask me out, because I found something wrong with them).


I watched a documentary several years ago on human sexuality and romance and the researchers found that in virtually all cultures where marriages aren't prearranged, it's actually the women who make the first move. Men generally only approached women who have already shown interest such as by smiling and making eye contact.

The researchers studied singles in night clubs in North America and Europe and not only found this same pattern, but found that when men DID approach a woman who hadn't initiated the interaction with smiling and eye contact, they were usually rejected. Regardless of the men's, attractiveness, women found those who made the "first move" creepy.

I didn't realize that all along, I had played the game without knowing it. I had made the first move with all of the guys I ended up dating or becoming friends with. The few times a guy did show interest "out of the blue," I too, found it creepy or at least socially awkward.

CherryQuinn
11-15-2013, 10:11 AM
Men and women have always asked me out, fat or thin or inbetween. I don't think weight is a big deal in all locations for dating

Underwater
11-19-2013, 01:52 PM
Random guys started openly flirting with me around 175ish. I'm 5'6 so that's a BMI of around 28 or so. I remember the first guy to ask me out was sitting next to me waiting for a haircut at Supercuts! LOL!

KelSlo74
12-07-2013, 08:57 PM
I really really think it has less to do with bmi and more to do with confidence and what kind of vibe you give off..I have been flirted with 70 lbs ago and now.. when you feel good about yourself you shine in a way that's very attractive

beautybooty
12-07-2013, 09:22 PM
my husband and I met on match.com. we both listed ourselves as bigger, but of course chose flattering pictures. we met, fell in love, and are still together. still fat, too. in fact, my husband confessed to me after we met face to face that I was heavier than my pictures led him to believe. he also confessed that I was more beautiful as well. he's been with me from high 200's to low 300's to mid 200's back to high 200's. loves me no matter what. :)

shae334
01-14-2014, 09:29 PM
I was at a 28 bmi for most of my 20s and had interest from what I perceived to be a lot of men but i noticed a steep decline when I got up to 32, it was very noticable. However being nice and making an effort to look nice, in my opinion, would be all you would need to attract the right kind of guy. Confidence sure does help the process im sure.

underanalysis
01-14-2014, 10:17 PM
My highest BMI ever was around 25.5 (juuuust shading into overweight) and my lowest was 20.4.

I've dated at both and everywhere in between, but I rarely get people randomly approaching me in public to ask me out, even at bars and such, because I don't particularly want the attention and tend to have very closed body language.

Getting asked out is all about openness. If you hold yourself open, smile, flirt, make eye contact with strangers, you'll get asked out no matter what your size. If you don't seem interested, few people will show interest in you.

geoblewis
01-14-2014, 10:44 PM
A Kuwaiti man hit on me every time I went to the Sultan Center supermarket in Kuwait City when my BMI was 50. An Indian man hit on me at the same weight when I shopped in his shop at the fabric souk.

After I moved back to the US and had lost some weight, African-American and Mexican-American men started hitting on me when my BMI was about 46. Philippine-American women in a nightclub were hitting on me one night in San Francisco. I was at a BMI of 44.

I now live in my hometown in Central California. BMI of 43. Middle-aged European-American men don't seem to notice I'm a woman, but the more technically-astute ones do like to talk shop and joke around with me. Married men will freely talk to me when their wives are my friends. I'm safe.

On the other hand, I seem to be attracted to big men in the overweight category. I'm just not interested in dating at this time.

IanG
01-15-2014, 02:51 PM
My marriage has only gotten worse as I have lost the pounds!

Thankfully I am not losing weight for my marriage but for my own well-being!

I'm having to work at both.

FreeBird3
01-15-2014, 08:45 PM
Okay, I'll be the one who calls the B.S. card on this topic. Having been slender and overweight while having self-esteem issues being at either extreme, I can say that being slender definitely attracts the majority of men verses being overweight. Talking purely on physical attraction and sex (not relationships), being a slender woman trumps being an overweight woman. It is what it is. It is unfair, but it's the truth!

Everyone has a different definition of what being slender is (i.e, BMI, weight/pounds/stones, waist size, etc.). I wasn't confident when I was slender yet many attractive to average looking men approached me because I was slender. Now that I'm overweight, I rarely get any attention from men.

I don't buy this whole "confidence is what attracts them" mentality at all.

Dottington
01-15-2014, 09:13 PM
Hmm, well at a BMI of 32.3 I very rarely was asked out or hit on. Once I got down to a BMI of 29.5 I would once in a while get hit on if I was dressed up nicely and had my hair and make up done. At around 27 it increased a lot and at 26.8 I started dating again and got asked out a lot. It stayed at the same level until recently. Once I dropped to a BMI of 23 its increased greatly. I think the personality stuff is interesting though because I was actually much more friendly, confident, and out going when I was at a higher BMI. I also dressed really nice(was better off financially then) and always was done up so I think how I presented myself is the reason I was still asked out fairly often. Now I'm much more insecure and less friendly. I dress down more too and am not as done up with hair and makeup but I get asked out all the time. I think in my case it really is simply because I'm slimmer since sadly I think my personality has gotten worse :/

kaplods
01-15-2014, 10:06 PM
Okay, I'll be the one who calls the B.S. card on this topic. Having been slender and overweight while having self-esteem issues being at either extreme, I can say that being slender definitely attracts the majority of men verses being overweight. Talking purely on physical attraction and sex (not relationships), being a slender woman trumps being an overweight woman. It is what it is. It is unfair, but it's the truth!

Everyone has a different definition of what being slender is (i.e, BMI, weight/pounds/stones, waist size, etc.). I wasn't confident when I was slender yet many attractive to average looking men approached me because I was slender. Now that I'm overweight, I rarely get any attention from men.

I don't buy this whole "confidence is what attracts them" mentality at all.


If you only care about the number of men asking you out, or if you want only men with perfect looks and lots of money and/or the drive to make lots of money (who are looking only for equally beautiful and equally money-focused women), you're absolutely right.

I'm awesome. I'm educated (master's degree), I'm wicked funny, fun to be around, considerate, open-minded, creative, damned sexy, dress as nicely as I can, playful, confident, a little adventurous, but fairly conservative morally (not looking for kinky sex), and don't care a fig about money beyond meeting the barest essentials of a roof and working vehicle, and I'm attracted to men of varied attributes. I don't expect physical perfection and a whole lot of money. I'm a bit nerdy and geeky myself, and don't mind if my guys are geeky nerds or even uber nerds.

When I was dating (before I met my incredible husband) my expectation of men were pretty flexible and simple - non-abusive man whom I found interesting who shared at least some of my interests. If he was into sci fi and fantasy books and games, BONUS! If he didn't look kinda like a toad, super bonus (but I did date some very unattractive men who were very sexy to me, because there nerdiness was compatible with my own).

If you want a chubby-chasing Brad Pitt to come knocking on your door, you're going to have a very long wait, but if you just want a nice guy who might have some pudge of his own, or a receding hairline, or less than perfect teeth or lousy car and thin wallet or some other non-hollywood traits, there are plenty of men who don't mind a woman who is fat if she has other great qualities.

My thinner, prettier friends dated more, but there dates weren't better according to MY standards. They dated more men, more conventionally attractive men, and men with more money and nicer cars, but they also dated more abusers, molesters, ath-holes, control-freaks, cheating, two-timing, lying bath-turds.

I dated fewer men, but men of a much higher caliber (by my standards at least) than my friends. I didn't accept dates with anyone who asked me, but only men who met MY exacting standards. Great or even good looks and income were not on my "must have" list, but my first and most firm criteria was "must treat me like I am as valuable and important as I treat him, and must not expect me to be a doormat, sexual or otherwise.

When hubby responded to a personal ad I placed, neither of us were overwhelmingly sexually attracted to each other - that came later after we realized that we each had all of our "must have" qualities we were looking for in a mate.

Hubby happened to be quite fat himself, but if he wasn't going to reject me for my weight, I certainly wasn't going to reject him for his. And when I realized he had everything else I wanted (and he discovered the same) it was a no brainer.

Confidence isn't everything. You're probably not going to attract a millionare playboy on confidence alone, but there are plenty of men who either prefer or don't mind dating heavier women, so if that's what you want, your SOL, but if you just want a nice guy who is open-minded about a girl's looks, there are plenty of those.

Maybe not enough for a different man every week (unless your standards are REALLY, REALLY low), but you don't need to find hundreds of men, just one. He doesn't have to be perfect, or even absolutely perfect for you. You just have to be good to each other and good for each other.

Great guys who aren't beauty and thinness-obsessed really aren't all that scarce, though many of them are not-gorgeous and shy, and that's where confidence is the biggest asset.

pixelllate
01-16-2014, 12:21 AM
Okay, I'll be the one who calls the B.S. card on this topic. Having been slender and overweight while having self-esteem issues being at either extreme, I can say that being slender definitely attracts the majority of men verses being overweight. Talking purely on physical attraction and sex (not relationships), being a slender woman trumps being an overweight woman. It is what it is. It is unfair, but it's the truth!

Everyone has a different definition of what being slender is (i.e, BMI, weight/pounds/stones, waist size, etc.). I wasn't confident when I was slender yet many attractive to average looking men approached me because I was slender. Now that I'm overweight, I rarely get any attention from men.

I don't buy this whole "confidence is what attracts them" mentality at all.

Same. I'm not talking about quality of men - that is a separate question, but if OP is straight asking about men in general asking me out - when I was bigger, I was the "safe/attainable second choice" choice for a lot of jerks "oh she'll be grateful for any lewd behavior" or totally invisible.

When I'm thinner I get hit on when people are interested in me. Now maybe they are all jerks, maybe not, but I find that I get hit on differently and I don't try any harder or appear any more or less confident. Just the reasons for hitting on me seem to change.

Alice In ONEderland
01-21-2014, 03:40 PM
I, ah, well, guh!
No guys look at me! But I'm still fat. But yeah it sucks knowing that when that does finally happen, the next guy who comes along will only like me for the way I look after I've made progress. :S He never would have given me the chance before. That doesn't feel too good. I don't want a guy like that. Only way to insure that is to stay single forever!

SINGLE LADY FOREVAAH!!!! WHEEEE! :D :D :D

magical
01-21-2014, 03:58 PM
A Kuwaiti man hit on me every time I went to the Sultan Center supermarket in Kuwait City when my BMI was 50. An Indian man hit on me at the same weight when I shopped in his shop at the fabric souk.

After I moved back to the US and had lost some weight, African-American and Mexican-American men started hitting on me when my BMI was about 46. Philippine-American women in a nightclub were hitting on me one night in San Francisco. I was at a BMI of 44.

I now live in my hometown in Central California. BMI of 43. Middle-aged European-American men don't seem to notice I'm a woman, but the more technically-astute ones do like to talk shop and joke around with me. Married men will freely talk to me when their wives are my friends. I'm safe.

On the other hand, I seem to be attracted to big men in the overweight category. I'm just not interested in dating at this time.

Okaayyy.. I don't get the whole thing about specifying the different races and cultures of men (and women, no less!) that hit on you.

So you are implying that only the ones who are "desperate" (aka the ethnic minorities) are the ones that are attracted to you despite your size? And that otherwise, you are "safe"??

Hmmm...

AwShucks
02-01-2014, 11:59 PM
Okaayyy.. I don't get the whole thing about specifying the different races and cultures of men (and women, no less!) that hit on you.

I think she's saying that other cultures have different ideals of beauty. I've read that America's obsession with thinness is not the norm in other countries.

So you are implying that only the ones who are "desperate" (aka the ethnic minorities) are the ones that are attracted to you despite your size? And that otherwise, you are "safe"?? Hmmm...

I read the phrase "I'm safe" to refer to the sentence before it: Married men will freely talk to me when their wives are my friends. I'm safe.

The married men she knows are not worried about their wives getting jealous of them paying attention to their "fat friend."

I don't think anything malicious was meant by the OP.

AwShucks
02-02-2014, 12:02 AM
I, ah, well, guh!
No guys look at me! But I'm still fat. But yeah it sucks knowing that when that does finally happen, the next guy who comes along will only like me for the way I look after I've made progress. :S He never would have given me the chance before. That doesn't feel too good. I don't want a guy like that. Only way to insure that is to stay single forever!

SINGLE LADY FOREVAAH!!!! WHEEEE! :D :D :D

Amen! That does seem the way to go...

imperialistic
02-10-2014, 01:33 AM
I think I was around 26 when it first happened to me.
Keeping in mind that my lowest BMI before that was around 27-28 and I had just come down from 33 so it definitely could be attributed to the confidence factor.

kaplods
02-10-2014, 03:25 PM
I, ah, well, guh!
No guys look at me! But I'm still fat. But yeah it sucks knowing that when that does finally happen, the next guy who comes along will only like me for the way I look after I've made progress. :S He never would have given me the chance before. That doesn't feel too good. I don't want a guy like that. Only way to insure that is to stay single forever.

SINGLE LADY FOREVAAH!!!! WHEEEE! :D :D :D


That is one way, but it's not the only way. There are other options, but they may require that you not wait for some guy to randoml come along and show intetest. You may need to be the hunter, rather than the hunted.

There are guys who aren't that into looks or who have very flexible preferences in that regard, but these usually aren't men with the looks, confidence, charm, and money of a movie star. They're not all "losers," not by a long shot, but they have a pretty normal set of flaws, just like the women they're attracted to. They may be shy, or nerdy, or balding, or short, or even chubby themselves.

I met my hubby through a personal ad I placed. I knew for sure he was "the one" when I saw photos of the women he had dated in the past. Some were thin, some were fat (I was the fattest), some were brunette, some were blonde and they all had different jobs, hobbies, and talents. A couple were even gorgeous (one blonde in particular was model perfect, physically).

I saw that he really put his money where his mouth was, when he said looks weren't all that important to him.

With my hubby, when I met him, it wasn't lust at first sight for either of us (Love at first sight isn't possible, because you can't love a person you don't know), but we were quickly drawn together as friends. I was a bit put off by his appearance initially. Very tall (which I liked), but fat (I had no right to judge there) with long hair, a mustache (ick) and leather vest over jeans and a t-shirt. The "biker" look didn't appeal to me, but as I fell in love with him, the "biker look" I hated sort of transformed into a giant ogre-viking look I began to love (the movie Shrek helped with that, as we adopted the characters as our cartoon alter egos).

We don't have an "our song," per se, but the Shrek movies (and all the songs in them) are "ours."

If you want "deep," in a partner, you can't expect to find them, except by doing a whole lot of digging yourself. If you want a "too good to be true" partner, odds are you're SOL, but if you want someone who can accept imperfect (by societal standards), you have to accept imperfect too.

You also often have to give up the societal expectation of the man making the first move. These types of guys really aren't all that rare, but they're not so common that you can wait around for them to find you, and they're probably not hanging out in bars or other traditional meeting spots. To find them, you need to be looking for them, and be willing to break some of the traditional dating "rules" and expectations.

I know my husband will love me, even if all of my hairs and teeth fall out, because that's what I went looking for and didn't settle for anything less. I had to give up "model-gorgeous, superstuds" to get that, but to me, that wasn't much of a sacrifice.

mandymercier
03-14-2014, 11:34 PM
I don't think weight is the primary role in whether a guy will ask you out of not. If you're confident and have a great attitude and focus on what you want and what you're looking for- the right guy for you will come along.

I think you just need to change your thoughts and affirm to yourself what type of guy you want to ask you out, affirm it every day, and you'll start attracting what you want into your life. law of attraction.

Velvet bean
03-15-2014, 07:00 AM
The idea we all have that we have to be thin to be loved is absurd.

I totally agree! I think that people finding you less attractive because of your weight stops when you get out of high school. At least in my experience, quality people donít care about it much.

But again, very bad self esteem is really not sexy ... for anybody. So my answer is, when youíll start to feel comfortable about yourself, men will start to notice you. I met the love of my life four years ago at a BMI of 29.

Sheila53
03-15-2014, 03:32 PM
I met my DH when I weighed 205 lbs., and I asked him to go to a work function with me. Since I'm a pretty shy person that was a big step for me, but there was something about him that made me want to get to know him. We've been happily married almost 33 years now. He's loved me at 261 lbs., now at 148 lbs. and everything in between. While this doesn't answer the OP's question about BMI, I hope it will help someone realize that taking a risk no matter how much you weigh can bring great reward. There are wonderful men out there who may be waiting for you to make the first move.

ringmaster
03-17-2014, 08:30 PM
Okay, I'll be the one who calls the B.S. card on this topic. Having been slender and overweight while having self-esteem issues being at either extreme, I can say that being slender definitely attracts the majority of men verses being overweight. Talking purely on physical attraction and sex (not relationships), being a slender woman trumps being an overweight woman. It is what it is. It is unfair, but it's the truth!

Everyone has a different definition of what being slender is (i.e, BMI, weight/pounds/stones, waist size, etc.). I wasn't confident when I was slender yet many attractive to average looking men approached me because I was slender. Now that I'm overweight, I rarely get any attention from men.

I don't buy this whole "confidence is what attracts them" mentality at all.


I kinda agree here...

I think some women are beautiful no matter what their weight, even at heavier weights they can just still pull off looking beautiful/attractive and still get attention from men. I don't think I'm one of them, weight goes on my face, stomach...and I'm not "curvy", I just think I'm not attractive at higher weights. BMI has nothing to do with if you look attractive or not. It's said men are visual, so if a woman looks good then men aren't going to worry about her BMI.

Other women seemed to have met their significant other through work, friends, school, etc...

I probably could of met a man at my higher weight, but I didn't go places to meet them. And I lacked the confidence to go on dating sites and go on dates that way. I am getting more attention from men now. Many years ago when I got down to 130lbs-140lbs I also got alot of attention... just I think I look better with less fat on my face and being on the tall/slender side.Not sure if it's really confidence, because at the moment I still don't dress up or fix my hair to "look good".

And to be fair, you have not attractive, overweight guys that still expect to have a Barbie doll...While being called beautiful/attractive is nice, I wouldn't want those men that only date someone for their looks either

dancinginpaint
03-25-2014, 02:27 PM
As someone who has not always been heavy I can say that when I was thinner I had many men approach me, i'd get hit on and flirted with. At my higher weight it's like I don't exist. So many men will not even look me in the eyes. I am married, but upon first sight many men wouldn't know that. So I have to say that if we are talking strictly quantity, being thinner had an impact on attention.

KittyExpress
04-18-2014, 11:12 PM
It's an interesting one. I'd definitely say that men other than my husband started 'paying attention' to me when my BMI hit around 28ish? BUT and it's a huge but... I don't think that had anything to do with my size.

I changed to a male dominant workplace. I started going out a lot more, and wearing clothes that I would NEVER have worn before. Nothing 'slutty' mind you, just more high heels and skirts etc, more feminine clothing than I'd ever worn before. Do I think men started noticing me more? Not really, no. I think there's every chance that I just didn't notice them noticing me before then!

My hubby has said a few times that he doesn't notice when women hit on him or are being more attentive than usual, and I think I was the same. I just didn't notice because I didn't think it was possible.
So I guess if you're hoping for a magic number as to when men might start finding you sexually appealing, my thoughts are that perhaps you're looking for the wrong thing. Chances are that there are plenty out there that are already attracted to you and you just haven't noticed yet.

kaplods
04-19-2014, 12:30 AM
As someone who has not always been heavy I can say that when I was thinner I had many men approach me, i'd get hit on and flirted with. At my higher weight it's like I don't exist. So many men will not even look me in the eyes. I am married, but upon first sight many men wouldn't know that. So I have to say that if we are talking strictly quantity, being thinner had an impact on attention.


If we're strictly talking the number of men who will approaching a woman out of the blue, with no flirtation, attention, or participation on the woman's part, then heck yeah! Weight is going to factor in alomg with every other trait associated with beauty (or unnatractiveness).

If your top priority is getting large numbers of men to flock to you, with little or no effort on your part, then it's important to be thin and eing thin and perfectly proportioned - tall, but not too tall, thin, but not too thin... You'll also want, large, perfectly matched boobs; a small waist; long legs; large, pale eyes; long, dark eyelashes; a straight, tiny nose; prominent cheekbones; flawlessly clear skin; stylish, shiny, hair with great body and a bit of curl without frizz (ideally blond with just a touch of red, but not too many freckles; full lips, perfectly alligned and sparkly white teeth; smooth, soft hands and nicely kept nails... and every other trait associated with beauty in our culture - a "perfect" package is going to attract more attention.

If you're a young, tall, thin, supermodel with breast implants and a designer wardrobe, you're going to get a lot more unsolicited, generic male attention than if you're less perfect, and the more physical imperfections you have, and the less you stand out in a positive way, the less unsolicited attention you'll get, but so what?

Very, few of us have perfect bodies, but people of all ages, shapes, sizes and levels of attractiveness (even many folks with severe physical, mental, and emotional handicaps and disfigurements) manage to pair up.

The more practical question is how much attention do you need, and are you willing to do some of the flirting, attention-seeking, asking out....

The more you're willing to put yourself "out there," the more potential romantic partners you'll meet.

There is no magic weight, height, BMI, hair length, hair style, hair color, skin color, bra size, manicure, makeup, outfit... that will draw men to you like honey.

There is also no physical or personality trait that will repel all men (there's a few that may repel most, but excess weight isn't anywhere on that list).


Even if you are practically perfect, physically and emotionally, waiting for guys to approach you and ask you out is a pretty inefficient system for finding the partner of your dreams.

Attracting and seeking out the right person is a lot more important than attracting as many as possible and hoping the right one is in there somewhere.

There are a lot of fish in the sea and the less generic the bait, the less generic the fish.

Arwen17
05-09-2014, 02:56 PM
Harsh Truth:
Men don't care if you're skinny or fat as long as you have the all important female va-jj. I've never gotten further than date #1, fat or skinny. Why? Because I don't want to have sex after the first date. (I don't say anything, but I'm sure they sense I'm not super loose.) If you don't want to have sex immediately, most men aren't interested. Which is why I'll probably be a virgin for the rest of my life unless I get really lucky and meet a true gentleman who's interested in building a relationship before going all the way. I'm old-fashioned, sue me. I don't want any diseases and I think physical intimacy is something you earn thru trust and companionship.

One of the many reasons I decided to lose weight was to possibly get a skinny guy. I felt like it's only fair. I've always eye-balled the skinny guys, but I was fat. If you want a skinny mate, be fair and get skinny yourself. It can't hurt, even if it doesn't really help much.

CrimsonKitten
05-12-2014, 11:09 AM
Actually, there is data to support that men in various cultures are more attracted to certain waist to hip ratios. (Divide your waist measurement by your hip measurement.) You can have a waist to hip ratio that is appealing, but still be over weight. Certain ratios are a way to guesstimate fertility of a partner, but it is one of those primordial things that most people are not aware of. We like to think we're above all that and I guess that I'll be gettin' some hate mail from some of you over that thought. Western cultures generally prefer a ratio of 0.7, Asia 0.6, and there are other cultures that prefer 0.8. Does this guarantee a relationship, no of course not silly. I met and married my current husband while obese. My ratio at the time was 0.8 bordering on a 0.9 He thought I had a pretty face and appearance got me in the door, common interests are what made a more lasting relationship. Don't shoot the messenger, it is just data you can think about. There are always exceptions because chemistry between people is certainly a factor. That all said, I think becoming healthier makes people feel more confident and that confidence attracts other people.

berryblondeboys
05-12-2014, 12:11 PM
My husband met me when I was overweight and married me when I was overweight, but I was 20-25 pounds overweight, not over 100 pounds overweight. He does have an issue with the weight and is definitely less attracted to me because of it. And I totally get it. I'm only attracted to thin men, so why would he feel any differently?

Now, he doesn't expect me to be SKINNY or anything, but healthy looking and healthy acting.

pixelllate
05-12-2014, 01:15 PM
Actually, there is data to support that men in various cultures are more attracted to certain waist to hip ratios. (Divide your waist measurement by your hip measurement.) You can have a waist to hip ratio that is appealing, but still be over weight. Certain ratios are a way to guesstimate fertility of a partner, but it is one of those primordial things that most people are not aware of. We like to think we're above all that and I guess that I'll be gettin' some hate mail from some of you over that thought. Western cultures generally prefer a ratio of 0.7, Asia 0.6, and there are other cultures that prefer 0.8. Does this guarantee a relationship, no of course not silly. I met and married my current husband while obese. My ratio at the time was 0.8 bordering on a 0.9 He thought I had a pretty face and appearance got me in the door, common interests are what made a more lasting relationship. Don't shoot the messenger, it is just data you can think about. There are always exceptions because chemistry between people is certainly a factor. That all said, I think becoming healthier makes people feel more confident and that confidence attracts other people.


Yes, it can vary across cultures/individuals etc. The big hindrance is if that said man that you like is into you as well. I mean, pretty much all of us have SOME degree of physical preference. Maybe some can say "oh well the weight shouldn't be that big of a deal" but whose to say that our own preferences, which might look reasonable to us, might be considered "too much" to some men? Just like how I prefer seeing myself at a certain weight, I guess I don't mind if someone is more attracted to me at a certain weight - as long as they don't get all rude about it, its all good. Personally, I tend to be drawn to guys that I find very nice and at at least (in my opinion) dead-average looking. If I'm below average, and maybe he too is into someone who is average-looking, ah well! lol

AshleyFaith
05-13-2014, 11:06 PM
26.6
Not many.
At 24.5 (long time ago), a lot of guys used to ask me out.
But not the kind of guys that you would WANT to go out with.
Shallow and wanted only one thing.

jeminijad
07-12-2014, 01:19 PM
Somewhere around BMI 27, I get plenty of attention. I do have the hourglass figure with the classic hip/waist ratio, and was blessed with a nice face. So I do well even chubby.

The attention drops right off around BMI 29. It isn't purely a confidence issue. That is one piece of the puzzle.

There is some hyperbole here - that being a healthy weight or having a nice figure will only net you volume, hoards of "typical" men who want one thing. Whereas being 300lbs supposedly won't hurt your odds of meeting a great partner, because he is only good if he can see past the obesity. As usual, the truth is somewhere in the middle.

There are plenty of good men who are into fitness and clean eating, and want a partner who is into the same. Despite the occasional exception where a 250lb woman run triathlons, walking around with an obese body tells those men immediately that you are not compatible with them.

IanG
07-12-2014, 07:51 PM
I have had absolutely no men ask me out all the way down to BMI 25-ish.

Thank God.

But I'll let you know if that changes.

ReillyJ
07-12-2014, 10:10 PM
Me either! But then again i'm married. No one has really approached me pre or post weight loss.

kurisitaru
07-12-2014, 11:06 PM
When I was extremely depressed and bulimic with a BMI of 20.5, I was never noticed. I thought I was going to die a virgin. I didn't smile a lot, hid in corners, and thought I was a heffer so I wore baggy clothes. Zero male attention made me feel even worse.

The first guy to like me was on an MMO, and it wasn't healthy. (We met in real life as well, worst mistake I ever made). After that, I started gaining weight steadily. I was still ignored.

It's when I started to accept myself and wore makeup as well as got happy and started getting over my depression, that men noticed me. I was a 28.3 that I got the most attention. I asked men on dates, did online dating, was happy a lot, flirty. Confidence. Boom.

As I gained weight more and more, the amount of men did dwindle, but I still had plenty of men interested, and I wasn't scared to say hello.

I met my current Fiance at 33.2 BMI. Bowling with friends. He asked me out. 2 years later, BMI of 37.5, he asked me to marry him.

Yes, a lower BMI may get you a LOT more attention, but having a perfect BMI means nothing if you become a wall flower and have no confidence at all.

PatPat
07-23-2014, 10:38 AM
I am not "after weight loss" yet but I have been skinny before I gained the weight.

Men have asked me out/have been interested in me at every weight I was in my life. Last one was only a few weeks ago :)

maybe just because I am the geeky, funny same woman as big girl too. its mostly men that know me for a while that get interested in me though. or is it only me that only realized men that have been around for a while? I like men I know for a while too :). Id not want one that sees me and says "oh shes hawt lets hit on her" instantly. never did....

dancinginpaint
07-23-2014, 01:34 PM
If we're strictly talking the number of men who will approaching a woman out of the blue, with no flirtation, attention, or participation on the woman's part, then heck yeah! Weight is going to factor in alomg with every other trait associated with beauty (or unnatractiveness).

If your top priority is getting large numbers of men to flock to you, with little or no effort on your part, then it's important to be thin and eing thin and perfectly proportioned - tall, but not too tall, thin, but not too thin... You'll also want, large, perfectly matched boobs; a small waist; long legs; large, pale eyes; long, dark eyelashes; a straight, tiny nose; prominent cheekbones; flawlessly clear skin; stylish, shiny, hair with great body and a bit of curl without frizz (ideally blond with just a touch of red, but not too many freckles; full lips, perfectly alligned and sparkly white teeth; smooth, soft hands and nicely kept nails... and every other trait associated with beauty in our culture - a "perfect" package is going to attract more attention.

If you're a young, tall, thin, supermodel with breast implants and a designer wardrobe, you're going to get a lot more unsolicited, generic male attention than if you're less perfect, and the more physical imperfections you have, and the less you stand out in a positive way, the less unsolicited attention you'll get, but so what?

Very, few of us have perfect bodies, but people of all ages, shapes, sizes and levels of attractiveness (even many folks with severe physical, mental, and emotional handicaps and disfigurements) manage to pair up.

The more practical question is how much attention do you need, and are you willing to do some of the flirting, attention-seeking, asking out....

The more you're willing to put yourself "out there," the more potential romantic partners you'll meet.

There is no magic weight, height, BMI, hair length, hair style, hair color, skin color, bra size, manicure, makeup, outfit... that will draw men to you like honey.

There is also no physical or personality trait that will repel all men (there's a few that may repel most, but excess weight isn't anywhere on that list).


Even if you are practically perfect, physically and emotionally, waiting for guys to approach you and ask you out is a pretty inefficient system for finding the partner of your dreams.

Attracting and seeking out the right person is a lot more important than attracting as many as possible and hoping the right one is in there somewhere.

There are a lot of fish in the sea and the less generic the bait, the less generic the fish.

I hope that you are using the word "you" in a general sense, when it comes to attention seeking. (As I am not seeking the affections of anyone other than dh) No where did I say a large quantity of attention was my goal.

kaplods
07-23-2014, 01:51 PM
I hope that you are using the word "you" in a general sense, when it comes to attention seeking. (As I am not seeking the affections of anyone other than dh) No where did I say a large quantity of attention was my goal.


Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.

Desiderata
07-23-2014, 03:12 PM
Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.

This is totally an off-topic on my part, but ITA - this drives me crazy, and I occasionally run into misunderstandings because of it. Last year I was told that using "you" as a generic meant I was in clinically in denial and distancing myself from a situation... but that person had just met me and didn't realize how frequently I construct sentences that way. This is maybe my top pet peeve with English -- the lack of a more neutral subject like "on" in French. (It translates to "one" and doesn't come off quite as stuffy in use as it does in English). :p

Anyway, it drives me nuts. :dizzy: Sorry for the thread hijack. The opportunity to rant about language deficiencies doesn't present itself often enough. :D

dancinginpaint
07-23-2014, 11:54 PM
Yes, I did indeed mean the generic "you." I would have preferred to use the less ambiguous terms "one" or "any person" as I was taught in gradeschool (nearly 40 years ago, now), but in common usage that has become nearly obsolete - to the point that doing so tends to sound pompous and pretentious.

In more formal situations, I would have used the more precise terms.


Okay, whew. I was afraid that I had come across totally wrong in my original post. I don't view the use of "one" as pompous, but I can see being afraid it would come across that way. :)

2salads
07-24-2014, 06:40 AM
This is such a sensitive topic for me. Some days I feel pretty confident in my thoughts and opinions on the issue and other days I flounder out at sea.

Funnily enough I did not become attracted to my husband until I knew that he was attracted to me. He was attractive, of course, but not what I would consider "my type" at the time. I kinda became obsessed with him when I realized that he was kinda obsessed with me. The signs were there all along but it was only after one incident that I went *headslap* "Duh!" I guess my point with that story is to say that sometimes we do not recognize when someone is interested in us because we are not taught to pick up on subtle signs or cues for what they really are. I do think that is true no matter what size you are at. I also think that we all have an expectation of the type of person should be attracted to us so we don't think that other people, that don't fit that preconceived notion, could be attracted to us.

That being said I do think that women battle a lot of unnecessary judgement. The first and foremost is the the thought that your significant other "deserves" a skinny wife or girl friend. That a "fat" or overweight woman is not what he "signed up for" which feeds into a tremendous amount of guilt and resentment. I am working on saying, and believing, that my body is a gift to my husband. Something I choose to give him out of love and commitment, not something he "deserves". I have even seen girls who have men interested in them in higher weights say that this is "not what their man deserves" and attempt to lose weight because they are "so thankful" that the man in question could "overlook" their weight. Ugh.

ubergirl
07-29-2014, 01:36 AM
As a young woman, in high school and college and in my 20s, I believed very strongly that I was completely disqualified from dating because of my weight. I never got any interest from anyone and I never went out with anyone and my self-esteem was in the toilet.

I did not think I was "good enough" for guys, and because of this, I never really learned how to flirt and if guys were interested in me, I could never tell.

This was true even though I was a fairly normal weight-- BMI of 24-26. At one point in my early 20s, my BMI went down to about 22 and at that point, I did notice that a lot of guys started hitting on me-- and since their pick-up line was often something like "you've lost a lot of weight, you look really good..." I got the idea that this was the reason why.

When I met my DH, I was quite thin, and he was the only person I ever went out with, and after our marriage, I was never normal weight, so it was really super confusing for me when I started noticing that a lot of men were treating me VERY DIFFERENTLY when I lost 110 pounds about 4 years ago. It's not even necessarily that they were hitting on me, but they were just a lot more attentive in general. Whereas before, they hardly made eye contact, all of a sudden they were really friendly and paid attention. This was really confusing to me, because I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know if they were flirting or just being normally friendly. One guy, who was a colleague at work, was really friendly and nice all the time, in a way that seemed sort of flirty to me, although I couldn't really tell, but when I suddenly packed back on 70 lbs, I noticed that he started ignoring me.

Basically, I agree with what Kaplods said, up thread. I think if you BELIEVE that your weight makes me unattractive, then you will be extremely closed down and never show that you are interested or available, and you'll get no attention, and then mistakenly use that to confirm your false belief that it's the weight that is the problem.

On the other hand, in my own personal experience, as a married woman in my late 40s, early 50s, that it was incredibly noticeable how differently men in general treated me when I lost a lot of weight.