Depression and Weight Issues - "Once I'm Skinny..."




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AshleyFaith
11-06-2013, 07:34 PM
I've always said things to myself like, "Oh, I'll do that once I'm skinny.."

Things like going places, going on vacation, or going to the beach.
I feel like since I'm not one of the pretty thin girls.. that I won't have a good time or enjoy things.
Does anyone else feel this way?
There's always a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Someone might make fun of you... You're just too big to do that."

:(


Fiona W
11-06-2013, 07:43 PM
I used to feel that way, Ashley, but I don't anymore. Over 25 years ago I did some bigtime soul-searching and embraced the concept of fat acceptance. I accepted myself as a fat woman, started loving myself as a fat woman, and chose to be beautiful as a fat woman. I did it with the help of some books, the most important of which was Susie Orbach's Fat is a Feminst Issue. The only reason I'm losing weight now is because of some health issues that have come up as I've gotten older.

But I do know how you feel...believe me! I was miserable when I felt that way. Miserable enough that I got severely depressed. I don't ever want to go back there. Acceptance of myself—whether I'm fat, old, wrinkled, whatever—is my way of life.

Sasha29
11-06-2013, 11:20 PM
I definitely know how you feel. I avoid social events at least partly because of my weight. I have social anxiety disorder, too, so that makes it even harder to do things. I avoid trips unless I have to go. When I do have to go on a vacation or go to a conference, I'll pressure myself to lose weight - which I never do - and then I'm miserable.


ShelBl
11-07-2013, 01:21 AM
I feel exactly like that, Ashley.

I booked a trip back home to surprise my parents for Christmas three weeks ago. Since the second I clicked to buy my plane ticket, I've been caught between berating myself for not working harder to lose more weight before the flight and obsessing about will I fit in the seat and what looks am I going to get when I get on the plane and how harshly everyone will be judging me.

Then once I'm there.... I've gained a lot since I last saw my sister and her family. A ton since I've seen any of my old friends that still live back there. So do I avoid everyone and escape being ashamed of being seen like this, or do I forge ahead and try to quiet the "they're talking about you" voice later?

Think of how much more neurotic we'd all be if there really were a magical number on the scale that could fix everything. :eek:

Mori M
11-07-2013, 04:28 AM
I feel the same way, but I'm slowly trying to get out of that mindset. I still want to lose weight in order for me to be completely comfortable in my body, but I don't want to lose out on doing things just because I'm fat.

Marchmallow
11-07-2013, 06:41 AM
Always. The main one for me is that I won't be attractive to anyone or find love until I lose the weight, which is silly and irrational but it's still a deep rooted belief.

citygirl89
11-07-2013, 10:52 AM
ALWAYS feel that way. It's terrible :( once I'm skinny I'll wear high heels (since I feel like a gawky big person in them now), I'll wear a bikini, I'll be less shy and more outgoing, I'll get on top during sex (TMI, sorry, but when I do all I think is "agh my stomach looks so big like this!")

Would love to quiet those negative thoughts, and I'm working on it, but it's tough as we all know.

ShelBl
11-07-2013, 04:35 PM
citygirl89 Ohgod yes with the heels!!! I can wear mine, but my feet hurt so bad after a while with all the extra weight. I used to wear nothing but 4" heels all the time when I was thinner, so I know it's the extra pounds causing the problem.

For now, they're all lined up on the top shelf of my closet. :(

lilturtle
11-11-2013, 04:06 PM
I have felt all of these things. I am so ashamed of my body. I don't want to be naked in front of anyone, not even a doctor. It influnces where I go, what I do and causes me a lot of anxiety. I feel like everyone will judge me and call me lazy or weak. It causes pain daily. I worry no one will want to be seen in public with me.

mainecyn
11-11-2013, 04:34 PM
I've always said things to myself like, "Oh, I'll do that once I'm skinny.."

Things like going places, going on vacation, or going to the beach.
I feel like since I'm not one of the pretty thin girls.. that I won't have a good time or enjoy things.
Does anyone else feel this way?
There's always a voice in the back of my head saying,
"Someone might make fun of you... You're just too big to do that."

:(

I could have posted this. Sweetie I put my entire life on hold when I was 228 lbs. I told myself that if I was just smaller, thinner, felt more confident about myself i would do things.

I haven't swam in 25 years, and it isn't gonna happen. I told myself I didn't do it because I was too fat for a swimsuit. Here I am at age 40, smaller than I have ever been since highschool, and I wont swim. Not so much because I feel so fat, but because now I have a saggy butt, saggy grandma arms, and cellulite in my upper thighs.

I spent my children's childhood behind the camera, taking a million pictures of them. Always volunteering to take the pic because I couldn't stand being in front of the camera. I have only one picture of me with one of my children at birth, and that was in the operating room. I tore up another pic because I hated the way I looked. I have birthday pics, holiday pics, tons of pictures. But, after looking at those pics on the computer and in the scrap book, I edited myself out of my children's life for the first 10 years because I was FAT. I have a dozen of pictures from my wedding, all the same picture cropped at different degrees. I chose it because i had a nice smile, my face didn't look as fat, and I could crop it chest up and it look ok. If I had been thinner and lost the weight before we married like I had wanted to I would have had a pretty dress, tons of happy smiling pictures.

I didn't want to see myself in those pictures. I was embarrassed. I always said well when I get smaller I will take a million pics. Well, I have missed capturing so many moments on film because of embarrassment of myself. I have pictures of my children with their grandparents, and my x, but none of me.

I told myself that when I was no longer fat I would have an entire new wardrobe because I couldn't stand to spend money on clothes that I used to hide myself. I spent 10 years with one pair of jeans and in boxy terrible shirts.

I told myself that when I was thin I would have tons of self confidence and make relationships and friends easy. I would take up some kind of activity that I had always wanted to do. Here I am over 50 lbs thinner and I still haven't done anything because I have no confidence to try anything new. I should have been working on that confidence before I got thin. As for friends, I don't have any real friends, just a few co-workers I speak with at work. I never did get thin enough to not feel self conscious about going out and doing things with other people afraid of looking stupid.

When I was thin I was going to apply for that job I wanted, that job that I watched others apply for and I knew I could do the work and do a better job..I was to embarrassed to dress up in clothes that would draw attention to me in my 200+ lb body. I watched someone else, even larger than I was, apply for that job I wanted and she got it. She is still in that job today and has tons of self confidence. A job like that would have helped me appreciate myself and gain self confidence, but I felt to self conscious and fat to work around all those pretty girls in the office.

I told myself that when I was thin I would love myself, be proud of myself, never put myself down..I can't stand to look at myself, I'm my own worst enemy. I still don't like myself, accept myself, or appreciate me.

I told myself that when my kids were grown and I lost the weight I might find love again, be happy, have a life, open up and care about someone, be desired by a man and have one that loves me completely and totally. Luckily for me my future husband didn't wait until I was thin. He courted me when I was at my heaviest. If I had stayed true to my list I would have missed out on the love of my life, the man that sees me for me and loves me. Loves me even in spite of me trying to convince him that he shouldn't.

I was so busy waiting to be thin, waiting to be happy, waiting to be valued, loved, and confident, that I have missed most of my life. I missed those special moments, those events that help build confidence and make memories. I edited myself out of my own life and just went thru the motions. I never got out from beyond the shadows.

As I type this it all sounds so easy to me, just get out there and have a life. Yet, now that I am thinner I just can't. Now I worry that maybe I am not small enough to be considered normal, or that someone will stare at me and think what is she doing? I am still not one of those pretty girls, thin or not I look at them and think what it would be like. How can life be so unfair? I don't see happy, thin, pretty, and popular, when I look in the mirror. I see enlarged pores, a nose that is too large on my face..thanks to someone pointing it out a couple years ago. I had thought it was my best feature, loved my profile. I turn bright red, sweat, heart races a mile a min. when I have to be around those pretty people. I hear people saying Look at her, shes too old, she too..anything. I've wasted so much time and I am still wasting time. Yet, I was this way fat, and I'm this way thinner.

:hug:to you. I know that it is so much easier for everyone to give advice, tell you to do things and have confidence etc. but I am telling you as someone whos in the same situation, I know what I know but I still can't do the things I want to do. I wish I had taken control of my life years ago.

Here's to you, the gorgeous, smart, and fun you, swimming at that beach in your lovely swimsuit making memories that will last a life time.

CalCounter1003
11-11-2013, 07:32 PM
Mainecyn, you are awesome! Thanks for making us realize we need to live now!

sherble
11-14-2013, 02:05 AM
Mainecyn, I have only been a member here for a few days. I've read a lot, but have been too shy and embarrassed about myself to post anything ... until I read your post. It made me cry :hug:

I hope as time goes on you find it within yourself to love yourself no matter what your weight or looks. I wish I had the words to make it better for you

I know I'm going to be saggy and look a lot older when I lose the weight I need to and (at the moment) I'm ok with that.

sherble
11-14-2013, 02:08 AM
Oh, I forgot to answer the topic, doh!
Once I'm skinny, I'm going to wear skin tight clothes because they look good and not because I really should buy the next size up!!

domesticbliss
11-14-2013, 02:49 AM
Wow I feel like this all the time! I know they say you should live your life now no matter what size you are, but being overweight makes certain things more difficult and hurtful...
I know that body image/self image issues will still exist once I lose the weight, but being thinner will definitely make a lot of them disappear.
You're not alone in feeling this way at all! :hug:
I have a list of things I write down regularly that I want to do once I've lost weight... it helps keep me motivated!

JollyGreenSteen19
11-14-2013, 09:00 AM
I have always felt this way. For me it's a lot of things I just never "fit" into. When I'm thin I'll want to go to movie theatres, sit in bath tubs, fly on airplanes, ride rollarcoasters all day, go to waterparks, go rockclimbing, run marathons, even go back to school (desks ah). In college I wanted to become a counsellor or nutritionalist of some kind, I didn't change majors because I didn't figure I could do that obese. I regret it now, I'm in a career I don't like and I feel like I have the heart to help other people like me. One day.

mainecyn
11-14-2013, 01:33 PM
Mainecyn, you are awesome! Thanks for making us realize we need to live now!

My problem is, I don't feel it. I never feel good enough, smart enough, I'm imperfect. I wish more than anything I had the self esteem and confidence I need. I've tried a million things, therapy, million self help books, nothing works. I want confidence more than I want to be beautiful or thin. I thought losing weight and being thinner would bring me the confidence I lacked. I felt I would be happier and more outgoing because the thin and pretty people always seem to be smiling, laughing, surrounded by friends. I don't have that. I'm socially awkward, no matter how hard I try.

I woke up a little late, I can't go back and document memories with my kids. I live with the regret that I hated myself, my appearance, and I let it over ride the love I have for my kids. I always thought I would do anything for my kids, anything in the world. But, what I really learned and noticed was I would do anything for them but share myself with them by preserving pictures of how I looked, times in their lives. My kids don't look at a pic of their mother and say Mom, you were so fat, your hair looks weird, things like that..they look at a pic of me no matter how horrible and smile seeing a mom that loves them and remembering events.

Mainecyn, I have only been a member here for a few days. I've read a lot, but have been too shy and embarrassed about myself to post anything ... until I read your post. It made me cry

I hope as time goes on you find it within yourself to love yourself no matter what your weight or looks. I wish I had the words to make it better for you

I know I'm going to be saggy and look a lot older when I lose the weight I need to and (at the moment) I'm ok with that.

I have learned that the only way this board can help me is if I am totally honest about my weight issue, why I over eat, how I feel about myself. I use this board as a tool to get to the real root of what makes me react. I haven't always liked what I have shared, or discovered about myself, but it helps me. There is no other way but to be honest, raw, and open, if I sugar coat things, say everything is alright, well that's a lie.

I have learned from other people that I am not alone in feeling this. I also only really learned how much I had truly excluded myself from preserved memories..I have promised myself, now that realizing it, I will ask someone to take a pic of me with my family instead of documenting that smiling family without me.

I am fairly new here, like you. But the more I open up, and I am brutally honest with myself and the details, the better things are. I can share things here that I would never tell a person in real life. There is no judgement. If it helps someone not to make the same mistakes as I have, then that's wonderful and worth opening up. I am 40 years old and have spent my entire life suffering from no self esteem or self worth, disliking myself. It isn't a way to live.

lanabug
11-14-2013, 11:36 PM
This thread made me cry so much because I've spent the last ten years or so of my life withdrawing from everything and everyone because I thought I was fat and gross... I missed the highschool experience because I was too self conscious, I've delayed/skipped college all together because I basically became a hermit. I'm working on it, yeah, but even though I'm young I seriously have no idea how to get back out there. I alienated myself from all of my friends, don't really know how to make new ones.. I talk to people at work, but they're more causal acquaintances. I don't really have time to join a club or something, like ninety percent of the time the only people I interact with outside of work is my immediate family, and my online friends. I've been thinking about how I've never really had a relationship and I'd LOVE to find a boyfriend, but I literally have absolutely no idea how to go about it even if I could find someone.. like I just cringe thinking about how awkward I am because of my lack of experience. Plus when I meet new people, like at work, and they ask me about my plans later/the weekend/whatever, it's SO uncomfortable because I never have any... they're just making conversation but seriously at my age I should be hanging out with people! I don't even drive though so that is a huge hindrance.

And even as I type all this and think about how I really want to 'have a life', I'm STILL thinking 'when I get skinny' in the back of my mind, and I really wish I wasn't. :(

KellyonIP
11-15-2013, 08:54 PM
I've been on a major roller coaster ride with my weight for the past 4 years, I lost it, gained it and then some, lost some, gained, etc. I refused to go out, wear shorts, take trips, etc, saying I will do this when i am skinny. I refuse to be in pictures, even though i know it was vain of me. My self esteem went in the hole. But now, I am determined, to get healthy, not only to look better but to feel better! I started a program a few weeks ago at 206, and today am 190, it's not been easy!!!! But so worth it! I'm not quite ready to put the dancing carrot on to celebrate, but will definitely use him when i'm at goal of 150-155! The fact that we're on here, looking for support and trying, is HUGE. We can do this. Those that simply block it out, pretend it's not happening, and continue on with their unhealthy ways, will continue to gain weight. WE can do this!

mainecyn
11-15-2013, 09:29 PM
Lanabug, I urge you to break out and start doing some of these things. You sound so much like me, couldn't sit in desks, hide on the sidelines, pitied myself and what my life had become. I have no friends, you could have described me. Just coworkers I speak to at work occassionally, no friendships. When asked what I'm gonna do for the weekend or over vacation I always say we haven't decided yet.

I have my kids, and my husband. I didn't know how to find a relationship either. I was so very large and alone after going thru a divorce, felt like who would want me? Emotionally, I hit rocks bottom but had my kids. I never looked for a realtionship, it found me. I tried to run from it to scared to open myself up and show how awkward, scared, ugly I was. School, I think would be great. I was isolated at home, alone and over weight, going to work eventually gave me some confidence. School could be great for you, really find yourself, what interests you, and interact with people. Build confidence. Consider it, think about what draws your soul, makes you feel alive and happy. To be honest, I still haven't found that one thing that makes me feel that. I just go to work and do my job.

I am blessed with a new husband who doesn't make me feel terrible about how I look, but I'm not building self esteem any time soon. :(

KellyonIP
11-15-2013, 09:42 PM
Mainecyn, I, too, am blessed with an awesome husband. He tells me how beautiful I am everyday. However, the truth, to me, is that I may be beautiful on the inside, I don't feel like it on the outside. I don't want to go out on dates with him, I don't want to go to the mall, basically, all i want to do is come home from work, and go to sleep. I know this is depression, and I am getting better. With weight loss, at least for me, also comes a feeling of "there is light at the end of the tunnel". It is so hard to watch others eat sweet rolls, chocolate, mashed potatos and gravy, etc, but I know, that Rome wasn't built in a day, and I will get there. My Hawaii trip, is just around the corner, and I even contemplated cancelling it because of my weight!! WE have a free hotel stay for 8 days, and we'll probably not get this chance again. I didn't cancell it, instead I am using it as my incentive to get this weight off of me! I won't be at my goal by then, but I also won't be over 200 pounds. I will be able to wear shorts. I'm going to do it! I figure with the current plan I'm on (HCG pellets) I average .5 to 1 lb per day. I will be probably right around 170 if I don't cheat! That's a start! Will I go out in a bikini? Probably not! Will I wear shorts? Yes! I am on a mission

mainecyn
11-16-2013, 04:02 PM
However, the truth, to me, is that I may be beautiful on the inside, I don't feel like it on the outside

I feel this way too. I turn red and get embarrassed when he gives me too many compliments. Lots of times I pushed the compliments aside or always argued with him and he asked me why I can never just take a compliment that i am the most stubborn when it comes to this and that having a compliment thrown back at him is hurtful.

I don't feel like it on the outside. I don't want to go out on dates with him, I don't want to go to the mall, basically, all i want to do is come home from work, and go to sleep

I am so self concious when we go anywhere and feel that everyone is staring even when he assures me that they are not. If I tell him I feel uncomfortable, seriously uncomfortable and that I feel eyes on me he always says don't you ever think they look at how pretty you are? I have tried to explain to my dh that he loves me, that's why he sees me as pretty. Its the love that came first and that is why he sees me this way. He argues and says that he was attracted to me first and then loved me. It a no win situation. He could tell me every day all day that I am desirable and beautiful and I wont believe it.

when he proposed I was shocked, scared, but also ashamed because instead of thinking about how happy we were and how much I loved him I kept thinking how am I going to find a dress, that made me look decent. i was so embarrassed at the thought of anyone seeing me, I was 230 lbs.I was on a mission to drop weight and be at lest physically better before the wedding. Being married, having people look at me, feeling fat instead of pretty, those were my worries. :?:



While never having been on a trip like that I have backed out of so many things like this due to my weight. My husband would love to go somewhere with a beach, a trip like that, I cringe and beg off saying I'd hate it. Truth is I would feel so ashamed, hate the way I look and not be able to relax. I don't wear shorts, I never ever wear a swim suit. Romantically, I wear t-shirts which my husband claims he finds sexy but I never wear anything else because I am too sickened by what I would look like and that you can't hide anything.

You deserve this trip, its wonderful. Have fun, take pride in yourself. The depression is difficult. I have taken Welburtin for 7 years now for the same thing. At times I think it works but then like now all I do is work, errands, then home. I may not go right to bed but I don't want to do anything else. I also feel there is some social anxiety mixed in there with me, ok I know that there is that's an understatement. I am happy hiding at home with just him, if I do anything outside of the house besides appointments, groceries etc, it is with him. I don't go anywhere else. If we see a movie I panic standing in line thinking look at all these people, I know that they are thinking in their heads look at him, look at her.

tefrey
11-16-2013, 06:02 PM
Yes. I remember feeling that way when I weighed 120 pounds. And 135. And then at 145. Then at 160. Then 178. Then 190. Again at 218. Then 235.

Those are all the weights, in order, that I reached where I thought I was so fat that I just wanted to crumple up in a ball and die. At each of those weights I thought I was too fat. Too fat for makeup. Too fat for clothes that fit. Too fat to get my hair cut. Too fat to leave the house.

And now I'm reversing the trend. And you know what? I feel and look awesome at every weight. I took charge of my life and I have confidence now. Most of the people I talk to everyday think I'm great and they have no idea I just lost 50 pounds. I feel wonderful so others agree. As my weight was going up I felt miserable and it showed in my face and my posture. As it is going down I feel incredible at those same weights.

I wish I could tell you how it happened. I was so depressed, so ashamed, so angry for many many years, and all it did is cause my weight to climb. And when I started dieting the confidence didn't come right away ... I think it was around 20 pounds down? Suddenly my knees and ankles stopped hurting all the time. I could shop in more stores. I could tell I was taking control, and suddenly I felt like a million bucks.

Now I'm on the way back down and as I hit each of those milestones that were so agonizing on the way up I have to laugh at what a fool I was. I was fine, all along I was absolutely fine. Even at my top weight, I was never the monster my brain made me out to be, it was all in my head.

I wish I knew how to make it happen, I wish I could wave a magic wand and break all the funhouse mirrors that are telling you that you aren't gorgeous. I look at the posts here and my heart breaks. I want each of you to know how beautiful you are, not just on the inside, but on the outside.