Pregnant - Nursing - Sabotage 101...I need a tutor




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OneChillMama
10-17-2013, 02:58 AM
It seems I am not only the black sheep of the family because I chose to breastfeed my children, I am also an alien.

I get the "eeeww", and the "why do we have to eat THAT for dinner?", or, "you're not on a diet, eat this pumpkin pie I just made", ON TOP of the constant criticism about whether or not my baby is being fed enough, or that I'm not eating the right foods to be breastfeeding. When did they all get their medical licenses? During the 24 hours I was at the hospital giving birth??...The sabotage is never ending in my family. I just want to exercise without someone knocking on the door, and eat healthy without having to buy MY food plus THEIR food! If I ask people to stay out while I'm working out, I am left feeling guilty, or like I AM the bad guy. If I don't buy the junk foods and snacks, they all think they're being punished....Can't a Mama get a break??

And when I say "they", I am also referring to my husband who doesn't have an ounce of fat on him and cannot understand my weight issues.

Anyone else in riding in this boat? Have any tips on how to ask Husband, Kids, Grandma, Grandpa, Sister, Mother, and In-Law's to stop sabotaging my personal efforts? :?:


Fakk
10-18-2013, 07:18 AM
Families!
My husband has been supportive of the bf - he never came across it before but he leaves me too it. His mothers first move on finding out we were having a baby was to go out and buy bottles and a steriliser. I keep getting asked how much longer will i 'get out of it'. I just ignore the comments and i ignore the offers of take away (of which there are many).
I look after what I eat and what my baby eats and I let everyone else do the same. No i cant give an amount in oz of how much baby drinks so stop asking grr.
I'm lucky i dont have other children who want fun (sweet) stuff - thats all ahead of me.
My little one is allergic to milk so its handy for not eating what people bring to the house as there is usually dairy in it.
I was worried about offending people but at this stage they all know I cant eat it and if they bring it to my house or invite me to theirs they do it knowing I wont be eating it. I dont expect them to work around me but I wont tolerate any messing about you have to eat this cause i made it.
I had them well trained since i was watching what i ate before i got pregnant so now i'm sure they think i'm a bit rude but if they want to take it to heart thats up to them. They dont get to visit if they're not talking to me so its thier loss.
Your husband doesnt need to understand your weight issues but ask him to respect your decision to watch what you eat and to support you. Once he's on the same page as you and supporting you it should be easier to deal with everyone else.
My husband only took me seriously when i let his nice things turn blue and throw them out. I refused to eat them so he started to see I was serious and he has been good since then.
My sister always says that men dont do things to be hurtful they just do it cause they can be completely oblivious. (not all men but a lot of them)

Good luck i know i didnt help but i just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

LizRR
10-19-2013, 06:43 PM
I can't imagine anyone not being a fan of BFing or taking steps to be healthy! My husband (6'4", fit & healthy) has always been supportive, but also has a healthy lifestyle, as does his family. My family on the other hand, greasy, fatty, Mexican food - my hubs asked to go out or a healthy breakfast one visit...so my mom chose Cracker Barrel! They live 5 hours away, and I don't hear it from them when we choose to eat a salad & chicken vs. a big Mac.

It sounds like naysayers are coming from a place of insecurity and want you to confirm their bad choices. As for BFing, no offense to FF, but it says right on the can that BM is best, so if you are able to BF then ask if they want the best for your baby, then Ask if they can read. You are the momma, you make the best choices for your family. Any sabotage I would just tackle head on and matter of factly..."Why do you think...<insert whatever passive aggressive comment>", or ask what their suggestion for a healthy meal would be, or just straight up ask if they are trying to sabotage you & why. "It seems really important to you that I eat this pumpkin pie, why is that?"

Of course, when it comes to the kids, that's different, they act childish because they are children! But hubby should back you up with that. Good luck, and just stand firm and confident in the healthy decisions you are making! Come here for support!


OneChillMama
10-21-2013, 12:04 AM
Wow! You're both so gutsy and I AM JEALOUS! My husband always has my back, but as Fakk said, he is kind of oblivious. We always offer healthy meals to our kids, but there is always some kind of sweet, and he will eat it in front of me, knowing I'll want a bite :/ As for MY family, I don't know why or how I turned out SO different. My mother jumps and apologizes if she walks into a room where I am nursing baby- she almost seems squeamish, and offended when I turn down her suggestions for formula, and "you should start weaning now" comments. I am very close to my grandpa, but it's almost like he wants to prove me wrong when I'm trying to avoid carbs or sugar. I certainly can't be snippy or rude to him, so I cave in and eat it hoping he is just genuinely trying to do something nice by bringing over dessert...Every. Single. Day. Where did y'all muster up this courage and confidence? I am usually the dominant one, demanding respect of rules etc., but when it comes to my weight-it's just never a topic of discussion.

P.S. Thanks for responding, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

alaskanlaughter
10-21-2013, 01:15 AM
Wow! You're both so gutsy and I AM JEALOUS! My husband always has my back, but as Fakk said, he is kind of oblivious. We always offer healthy meals to our kids, but there is always some kind of sweet, and he will eat it in front of me, knowing I'll want a bite :/ As for MY family, I don't know why or how I turned out SO different. My mother jumps and apologizes if she walks into a room where I am nursing baby- she almost seems squeamish, and offended when I turn down her suggestions for formula, and "you should start weaning now" comments. I am very close to my grandpa, but it's almost like he wants to prove me wrong when I'm trying to avoid carbs or sugar. I certainly can't be snippy or rude to him, so I cave in and eat it hoping he is just genuinely trying to do something nice by bringing over dessert...Every. Single. Day. Where did y'all muster up this courage and confidence? I am usually the dominant one, demanding respect of rules etc., but when it comes to my weight-it's just never a topic of discussion.

P.S. Thanks for responding, it's nice to know I'm not alone!

I know I don't belong over in this part of the forum :) but I did want to say that, when I started turning down sugar etc at the start of my weight loss, I simply explained that I have watch my blood sugar levels now (true) and that my doctor told me to stop eating sugar/carbs (true IF I had asked my doctor)

those two phrases seemed to go over much better and with much more understanding than when I simply said no thanks (without any explanation)

I never really told people that I was "on a diet" or whatever because I didn't view it like that....I truly DID have to keep my sugar levels down so I wasn't starting a diet exactly, just having to keep an eye on things better

OneChillMama
10-22-2013, 02:33 AM
That's an excellent idea...But how do I say "it's doctor's orders" when they all already know that I have hypertension, and disregard it to dump their own problems on me anyway. You'd think that would be enough to stave off the stressful comments and unwelcomed desserts....But it's not. I have seriously contemplated selling our house and moving FAR away for my own health and well being. But again, the guilt. I'm the bad guy no matter how or what I do or say. It's really wearing on me. It's like I need to call an intervention on my family and tell them they're ALL toxic and that they're ALL slowly killing me. Do I sound like a mega b****? It sounds terrible now that I've typed it out, but it's all so true. So depressingly true...

Rhiko
10-22-2013, 09:10 AM
That's an excellent idea...But how do I say "it's doctor's orders" when they all already know that I have hypertension, and disregard it to dump their own problems on me anyway. You'd think that would be enough to stave off the stressful comments and unwelcomed desserts....But it's not. I have seriously contemplated selling our house and moving FAR away for my own health and well being. But again, the guilt. I'm the bad guy no matter how or what I do or say. It's really wearing on me. It's like I need to call an intervention on my family and tell them they're ALL toxic and that they're ALL slowly killing me. Do I sound like a mega b****? It sounds terrible now that I've typed it out, but it's all so true. So depressingly true...

Have you tried ignoring them or not involving them so much in your weight loss, etc?

I've not had this problem because 1) only those who see me regularly and who actually notice know I'm on a diet (I haven't really told my family) and 2) I'm still waiting on my first little one (:crossed: next year is my year), so I can't really relate to the weight loss side of things. However, I can relate to the constant put downs. In NZ, it's called the Tall Poppy Syndrome when someone sees you doing well, they make you feel bad about it.
You: I lost 10lbs :woohoo:'
Them: 'Yeah, but you did it over two weeks, not one :nono:'

I think that the more you let them get to you, the more they will say those things. Try it for a few weeks. If they say something nasty, ignore it or totally surprise them by smiling enthusiastically and saying, 'thank you for helpful kindness' or something to that effect.

To answer your original message:
No, you aren't the bad guy. You are trying your best and it sounds like your husband and kids (?) don't like change. If you're the black sheep, great! What kind of world would it be if we were all the same? BORING :) Embrace the black-sheepidness because it's who you are. :D

OneChillMama
10-23-2013, 02:18 AM
It feels great having a diagnosis for them, Tall Poppy Syndrome...Not gonna lie, I looked up the origin of the phrase, and it has sincerely struck a chord with me. It rings so true in my life. These ARE everyday people in my life, and they DO seem to resent my achievements. I live in a small town, conveniently in the middle of all of these family members. I guess my only path to self-virtue is to lay down the law. Most will hate me, I'm sure. But I guess the ones that stick around will be the one who really matter...

Dolphin100
10-23-2013, 05:55 AM
Your only choice is to not engage. If you are their punching bag, they will keep trying to figure out a way to keep hurting you. I'm sorry, that sounds miserable. How old is your baby? I have a 4 yo and 16 month old who is nursing only 2 times a day (finally)

OneChillMama
10-24-2013, 12:38 AM
I have 9 year old, 4 year old, and 8 month old daughters. My baby nurses on demand all day and night, with LOTS of cluster feeding in the morning and before bed. I am pretty sure she's my last baby and that's the only thing keeping me sane right now-with the severe separation anxiety and night nursing- telling myself it won't last forever. My mother and mother in law can't stand that I nurse her so much. They insist it's because she "needs more solids" or "needs formula". I seriously have zero support with breastfeeding AND weight loss. There's only so much complaining my husband can listen to. So, here I am, and I'm so glad to know I'm not alone.

OneChillMama
10-24-2013, 12:45 AM
Have any of you tried C25K? I love to walk and jog, but I just can't seem to get out of this funk to get out there and start. Any recommendations for affordable and supportive sports bras, maybe even ones that accommodate nursing mamas? I live in Texas, and my options are Target, Academy, or online- which I avoid because I like to touch and see before I buy. I have only seen $30+ bras in store :/

fillupthesky
10-24-2013, 02:15 AM
i also have no real business being here, but i couldn't resist answering.

i can definitely relate, as my family is large and in everyone elses' business. there are no boundaries, and they are very vocal about, well, everything.
i think it's important to set firm boundaries. when i was younger, when one of my family members was being critical about something positive i was doing for myself, i would get up and leave the room. it's rude, but not as offensive as what would have come out of my mouth. i kept doing that till they got the point. other times, i would flat out tell them that their meddling/criticism/lack of support is HURTFUL to me. if they chose not to care, then i'd distance myself. i look at it this way, i'm an adult and i can choose to surround myself with positive people. as much as i love all my family members, i can't have their toxicity around.

as far as your kids complaining about dinner, i can only reference my mother here. "if you don't like what's for dinner, have cereal". it was novel for a while, but then i got so sick of cereal i started eating whatever she made.

and for the breast feeding, if it really becomes insufferable, maybe you can pump and feed out of a bottle?

i wish you the best!

OneChillMama
10-24-2013, 12:47 PM
It seems to be an unfortunately common thing, huh? All of these people with Tall Poppy Syndrome...I love the cereal idea because I only buy "healthy" cereal. They love it now, but they'll get sick of it after eating it everyday!...And I love nursing my baby! I'm not going to stop for any reason other than her self-weaning. The constant attachment can be frustrating because of social situations, and squeamish family members, but if they don't like what they see, they can look the other way or leave.

LizRR
10-24-2013, 01:32 PM
Have any of you tried C25K? I love to walk and jog, but I just can't seem to get out of this funk to get out there and start. Any recommendations for affordable and supportive sports bras, maybe even ones that accommodate nursing mamas? I live in Texas, and my options are Target, Academy, or online- which I avoid because I like to touch and see before I buy. I have only seen $30+ bras in store :/

I never did C25K, but I do run. I did ~25-30 miles/week pre-preggo (did my last half-marathon @ 18-weeks & stopped completely @ 28-weeks). I just got cleared to exercise 2 weeks ago and have started up doing 3-5 miles 3-4x/week. For me I do it FIRST thing in the morning, after baby wakes me up & goes back down and everyone else is asleep. I also did that pre-pregs. It's great to get it done first thing and no mommy guilt being away from the kiddos since they are asleep w/dad! If I try to do it afternoon/evening...fuggettaboutit. It's hard to start, but easy after you do it. I got my bras at Target, you still need a good supportive bra. I wear a regular 36D Champion brand running bra, they sell sports nursing bras, but they are not nearly supportive enough to stop the bounce (ouch).

I have 9 year old, 4 year old, and 8 month old daughters. My baby nurses on demand all day and night, with LOTS of cluster feeding in the morning and before bed. I am pretty sure she's my last baby and that's the only thing keeping me sane right now-with the severe separation anxiety and night nursing- telling myself it won't last forever. My mother and mother in law can't stand that I nurse her so much. They insist it's because she "needs more solids" or "needs formula". I seriously have zero support with breastfeeding AND weight loss. There's only so much complaining my husband can listen to. So, here I am, and I'm so glad to know I'm not alone.

Ugh, anyone who would discourage breast feeding because they want to feed her solids/formula is clearly putting their wants above what is best for your baby. You are lucky enough to nurse, not a lot of moms can do that...you know your baby wants mama, and that your milk is ABSOLUTELY the best thing. Hugs to you! Even if they have old fashioned notions they shouldn't question or discourage your choices, they had their chance to raise their babies, now it is your turn.

OneChillMama
10-24-2013, 05:07 PM
Thanks for the tips, LizRR! My baby usually wakes up around 4/4:30 am for a feeding then goes back to sleep, and the hubs leaves for work at 6, so I think I will try to get up and get my jog in at that time, 'cause like you said, forget about the afternoons- what with homework, dance, karate, soccer, dinner, baths....And ALL the other mommy-duties I'm sure you're also familiar with, 5 am is my only chance!

And my husband told his mother exactly that..."you had your chance to raise your babies, leave mine alone!" I <3 that guy. Even though he's slim and oblivious to my spare tire (he lies and says I look great), he always supports me breastfeeding our babies.

banananutmuffin
10-24-2013, 07:54 PM
I can't believe there are people out there encouraging you to give up nursing. Where I'm from, the whole "breastfeeding is best" mindset is firmly ingrained.

Although... now that I think about it... with my first kid my husband did have a problem with it. It was more personal for him, I think. He is generally a VERY supportive partner. But in this one case, I think he kind of saw it as the baby taking over his "playground." He already felt left out and as if I had less time for him.

As we've had more kids, he has laid off the breastfeeding thing. (I am nursing our last baby now--baby is 4 months old--and my husband hasn't said a word about it this time.) But he still gives me the ol' "You have less time for me now, and I'm last on your priority list" speech sometimes.

Are you sure the people in your life aren't just jealous that you don't have as much time to give them attention? Not that it's an excuse for their behavior or words, but perhaps it would help you all address the issue in a different way.

OneChillMama
10-25-2013, 01:52 AM
I don't think they're jealous, I think they're offended because my parenting techniques are so different than theirs. You know, that's not how THEY raised their kids, so I must be doing it wrong. They also seem offended when I try to avoid what they're eating. Family get togethers (that occur VERY often on my side and the in-laws) are dreadful! They always question why I'm not eating, or if there is something wrong with the meal. So, I usually play dumb and jump up to make a plate of delicious-cheesy-whatever...Squashing that days calorie count.

My oldest daughter is from a previous relationship, and when I tried to nurse her, her father called me a pervert and said that I was disgusting. I was DEFINITELY alone on that one, so sadly I gave up and formula fed :(

My husband will make silly comments like "lucky baby" and "I would nurse her if I could!"...But I don't think he's ever been truly bothered by it. I always try to include him, like nurse in bed snuggled up with him, let him bathe her, spoon feed solids, give pumped bottles etc. Now the baby pretty much ditches me once she's had her fill to go find Daddy and snuggle.

Do you ever wear your baby? You can do more things together while still holding him/her, like garden, go for a walk, whatever your hobbies are- etc. that way your hubby doesn't feel so left out.

I'm still stumped as to what I should say to everyone, if anything? I'm usually a closet-dieter, and do closet-workouts (I hate working out in front of anyone) but inevitably, once they notice any weight loss, the comments/questions/unwanted advice pour in. Maybe I should play dumb?..."Oh, it must be all the crack and street drugs!" Throw 'em for a loop! :D

Fakk
10-30-2013, 05:46 AM
Could you start bringing healthy food to the family get togethers. Maybe a bowl of salad or a tasty but low cal dessert? That way if they start annoying you about not eating you can heap your plate with your own food and eat that.
People may think its rude but you can just say its not fair for you to do all the cooking/ prep work I'm just helping out.

Munchy
10-30-2013, 01:01 PM
Could you start bringing healthy food to the family get togethers. Maybe a bowl of salad or a tasty but low cal dessert? That way if they start annoying you about not eating you can heap your plate with your own food and eat that.
People may think its rude but you can just say its not fair for you to do all the cooking/ prep work I'm just helping out.

I was going to suggest something similar, but not necessarily a salad! :)

How about a roasted vegetable and pasta dish, with lean sausage, marinara and aged cheese?

Loaded baked potatoes with roasted broccoli, center cut bacon crumbles, 2% cheese, and light sour cream?

Make your own pita/tortilla pizza night with toppings of choice?

Taco bar?

Steak and potatoes?

The food doesn't need to be something that your family doesn't recognize. We eat the foods above very often, and I've never had anything but positive feedback from anyone eating in my house!

OneChillMama
10-31-2013, 04:26 PM
I love the pot-luck idea, Fakk!

And of course I offer healthy meals to my family, but when I refuse to buy their favorite junk/snack, they think it's the end of the world. And whoever said no one would notice me swapping out brown rice for white was dead wrong. My husband can't stand it. I guess I will have no choice but to prepare my own meals/sides for the week and grow some will power to say NO to the temptations!