General chatter - Trying to change a part of yourself/ behavoir/personality..is it possible?




GlamourGirl827
10-10-2013, 12:36 PM
Have you ever changed or are working on changing a major part of your personality?

One thing I have been working on changing is my type of thinking. I'm always concerned with knowing the truth/facts/having proof. That isn't the problem, the problem is I can't resist informing others when they are factually incorrect. People don't like this.

But when I hear an incorrect fact, its like I can't relax until I correct it. I have been working on this for many years, and I've gotten good at walking away, changing the subject or not responding.

Fake exaggerted example of how it used to be:

Person 1: I think the mayor is stupid because all women are too stupid to be in charge.

Me: The mayor is a man.

Person 1: No, she a woman, because I said so, and because she has long hair.

Me: Yes his hair is long, but he's a man. You are wrong.

Person 1: No, I'm not.

Me: He has a penis. I know because he sexted a pic of it to a woman and it was all over the news a few weeks ago.

Person 1: I didn't ask you if I was wrong....and by the way, I'm not wrong.

Me: ::banging head against wall::

I just want to keep my big mouth shut. But its like trying to change the course of a huge river that's been flowing in the same bed for 1000s of years...Its a big part of the way I am.

To just smile and nod is painfully difficult. At this point I've graduated to changing the subject. Its weird but it kind of works.


Example of how it is now:

Person 1: The mayor is stupid because she's a woman and woman are too stupid to be incharge.

Me: "...I saw the episode of Seinfeld last night where that lady can't spare a square"

::awkward silence::

But sometimes I relapse (I did today) and correct someone. And they are not happy...

Anyone successfully change a part of the way the act/behave? Do you relapse?


Ruthxxx
10-10-2013, 12:38 PM
I relapse frequently but usually just smile and say to myself "You can't fix stupid!"

mkroyer
10-10-2013, 01:31 PM
Yes, I've successfully changed my subconscious, highly ingrained neuro-pathways compelling me to pick up a needle or snort/eat a pill every time I feel anything that is even slightly reminiscent of an emotion ;) No, I have not relapsed back into this character defect, yet

:)


alaskanlaughter
10-10-2013, 03:49 PM
ive struggled my ENTIRE life with being shy....I hate speaking out in groups of adults, although I don't mind groups of children oddly enough....and even in small management meetings I still HATE to speak up even though I might have good suggestions or information....i'm one of the leaders among my district's particular program that I work for and am fine on the phone, through email, etc but I still dread having to speak within a group even among people that I've worked with for close to 10 years....

in fact i'm apparently good enough at what I do that my supervisor asked if I would consider leading some trainings for the other staff....omg NOOOOOO...

nationalparker
10-10-2013, 05:27 PM
Was it Cary Grant who said you can be liked or you can be right. (If it wasn't him, i don't care enough tonight to look it up, so ... )

happybug
10-10-2013, 07:32 PM
I guess it depends on how this makes you feel, would you rather people like you or that you tell them the facts? I like to be right too and it steams me when people disparage someone on word of mouth or twist the facts when I know the truth is entirely different. But I also dislike conflict so I've learnt that sometimes its better just keep my point of view to myself, even though I might be fuming about it. Some people have no interest in telling it like it is, because it's not sensational enough for them and gossiping get's a reaction and puts them in the spotlight. As to whether you should change, it's up to you and if it's worth the stress to have people take offence or become argumentative when you tell them the facts. Be true to you.

JohnP
10-10-2013, 07:45 PM
I used to be just like this. (Obviously I still am on the internet)

In the real world I'll just ignore bad information if I overhear it unless it is relevent or important.

Here is the word track you can use to gently tell people they are wrong from the guy I learned it from. Sales training is basically people skills.

(http://www.tomhopkins.com/blog/presentation/the-feel-felt-found-strategy)

Just replace the word "customers" with "co-workers" or friends and you're golden.

Also, consider reading the book "How to win friends and influence people".

novangel
10-10-2013, 09:47 PM
I'm slowly learning to not let my ex (son's father) push my buttons. Very hard to do but I just want peace.

seabiscuit
10-10-2013, 10:03 PM
Hi,

I think over time I have changed my personality in a positive way or so I have been told but there are still things that I want to improve upon. Maybe my constantly waiting to be a better person is part of my personality, a doctor told me that he thinks I am on a constant self-improvement kick, that probably accounts for my being known as a perfectionist in my earlier years and my bookshelves brimming with self help books.

I also think it is important to be true to oneself, not try to be a chameleon to be whoever people think I should be or what is status quo or politically correct. It seems really admirable that you care about being your best and possibly doing more for yourself. My advice is to stay true to yourself.

Take care.

Amy

JuvenileNarcissist
10-10-2013, 10:26 PM
I've changed my personality quite a bit. I used to be a door mat. Now I'm viciously self protective, and most of the time I refuse to be treated badly. Do I sometimes relapse into my mousie self? Sure. But it doesn't last long. I've never had your problem though. I have no desire to keep from correctly people. Facts and fighting ignorance are too important to me. Especially when it comes to science.

GlamourGirl827
10-11-2013, 10:37 AM
Ruthxxx - I actually try to tell myself something like this. That it is not my job to police all the misinformation in the word. Then sometimes I'm just like "ahhhhh, I gotta say something!" lol

mkroyer - It is amazing to me when someone beats an addiction. I say this because I cannot seem to completely stop reaching for food when I'm stressed. And I've been trying my whole life. So the thought of someone having the strength to stop w/ a drug or alcohol addiction is incredible.

Alaskanlaughter - I am just the opposite, I need to be a little more quite. I'm not obnoxious but I do talk a lot and dont think twice about sharing my thoughts on something. Perhaps each extreme is not good, and a happy medium would be nice!

Nationalparker - I dont know who said that either, but its so true. The older I get the more I realize it.

Happybug - I do notice that as well, that someone using incorrect information to form negative opinions about someone or something is much more concerning for me that just incorrect information. That's what happened yesterday, someone used incorrect science knowledge to then bash someone else. I just could not ignore it. But had they just had incorrect info, I might have done better at letting it go.

John - Thank you. I checked out that link. Interestingly, some of those phrases night have made yesterdays exchange a little better. For some reason I find it easier to resist correcting people online. I think its because I can more easily disengage but ingnoring a post or closing the wedpage, when in real life, its a little harder to cut the person off cold turkey/walk away. I cant see why classes are offered to handle these situations with customers.

Novelangel - -that's what I want, peace. I try my best not to be around the kids of people that cant be bothered to look up correct info, or heaven forbid learn about a subject before forming negative opinions on it..but this person was family as well...can't pick your family!


seasbiscuit - I think that there is a delicate balance between behaving in a way that is in harmony with others, and still being who you are. I havent found that yet though! I think it is healthy to continue to re-evaluate ones self for imrpovment, so that we can more peacefully exist. We can only control ourselves, so if we are not at peace with the world around us, it is only us we can change. I worry about folks that think they do not need any imrpovement in they way they behave, because they stop growing and start blaming everything on other people, if they think they need no improvement.. We are all in need of improvement in someway

JuvinleNarcissist - Yeah my soft spot is science too. This was science related. I get more annoyed when its something simply that people can get the answer from google. Its not like years ago when we had to go to the library, or look it up in an encyclopedia...the internet puts basic facts at our finger tips, and some people still cant be bothered to check the facts. Seriously some people are waiting for the ability to inject that knowledge directly into their heads...

Vex
10-11-2013, 11:46 AM
I've found the more I insist I'm right, or the louder I get defending a topic, the higher the percentage is that I'm actually wrong.

That sounds flippant, but it's not. It's how I remember to stop and think about what I'm saying and truly analyze the situation.

krampus
10-11-2013, 01:24 PM
Yes, I've successfully changed my subconscious, highly ingrained neuro-pathways compelling me to pick up a needle or snort/eat a pill every time I feel anything that is even slightly reminiscent of an emotion ;) No, I have not relapsed back into this character defect, yet

:)

Congrats on being clean!

I'm a huge wiener in work situations and if I keep this up forever I'll never break 50K...

However re: OP I think people just shouldn't be wrong. :P

Wannabeskinny
10-12-2013, 07:33 AM
I've learned to change many behaviors, I simply call it growing up and becoming more mature. I don't find it useful to correct anyone that is not open to discussion. The example you gave is a little out there, firstly I never argue about politics or even talk about politics to anyone because I have no desire to argue with someone who sees things that extremely different than I do. If I heard someone say that women are stupid I would probably leave, there is no arguing with someone who says something like that and I wouldn't stay in the same room with him. I also assume that someone who can't tell the difference between a man and a woman who is in political office has some sort of severe mental handicap, and there's no way I would argue with someone mentally handicapped either.

What I always try to remember is what people value most is themselves. They want to hear themselves talk. Most people who talk and talk and talk end up having nothing interesting to say, I see it as just a shield that they use so they don't have a true relationship with anyone. I'm very careful around big talkers, I'm usually silent when I suspect someone just wants to hear themselves talk, soon enough they'll have buried themselves in whatever nonsense they're going on and on about and I will have saved myself a big headache by not arguing with them.

You should see me around my in-laws. I'm basically mute and sometimes I wish I was deaf too lol. My MIL in particular is alive so that she can entertain herself with her own talking. Even if she asks you a simple question like "how are you" you barely have a word out of your mouth before she's deep into a monologue about how her day was. I can always tell if she has called us because my husband picks up the phone and says hello and then he is completely silent for the entire conversation lol. Really, I've tried talking but it's no use, it's like a wall of words that if I really paid any attention to would just drive me crazy anyway. I just put my fingers in my ears and la la la!

monmis12
10-12-2013, 08:26 AM
I agree that changing some behaviors(basically growing up) is a good idea. As I've matured, I've become much more self-aware of my idiosyncracies, my strengths, and my weaknesses. I try my best to compensate for some of them. However, on the other hand, I believe in self-acceptance as well. I am somewhat shy but mostly just a reserved person who likes to listen instead of talk when I am with a group of people. One on one and with someone I'm comfortable with, I could talk your head off. I've learned to give myself a break. I used to be really down on myself wishing I was more out spoken and out going. Now, I accept it but I also try my best to improve as I know I can come across as stuck up or not friendly.

shcirerf
10-12-2013, 11:27 PM
Be it good or bad.

Sometimes, I shut up. Depends, sometimes, I take folks to the house and out the back door for a whupping!

Wisdom comes with age. At 54, I'm comfortable, with my own morals and ethics, and relationships.

I'm not stuck, always open to exploring, and do my best to be patient, but after a bit if the person or situation becomes just stupid. "She gone"

Don't need the drama!:D