General chatter - Friendship woes




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Chaselove
10-05-2013, 11:45 AM
Hi everyone,
I'm sorry it's so long, but I really need help.

A year ago I transferred into a new college far from home, and I luckily found a friend my first semester. She is polite/ kind to EVERYONE. We got way closer second semester when two of her closest friends went away for the semester, and we had two classes together. We hung out a lot that year, and I considered her a good friend. Anyway, summer happened and I came back to school. I still thought she was a friend and someone I could trust in, and I treated her like that for a while. I noticed that she doesn't really speak to me unless she had to anymore, and when she did it was forced. She didn't even tell me about her new boyfriend! Every time we hung out she talks to everyone else and hardly speaks to me. I literally feel as if she doesn't want to be around me anymore.
When I noticed it I decided that I would just ignore her back, but that just made me feel crummy; so I talked to her about the fact that we don't talk anymore, and she denied it (we just came out of a meeting when I told her this and she said "you were sitting on the other side of the table from me", yet she spoke to the girl sitting right next to me...).She gave one of our mutual friends a jacket I left in her room when we were all hanging out, and my friend said "yea it was weird it was like she didn't want it in her room. It was so weird." It was weird especially since I left a dress in her room for about a month last semester and she didn't say anything. Also, she used to send out text messages with quotes daily, and I hadn't gotten them for about a week and she said she was reevaluating some stuff, and "forgot" to add me to the new list. I've cried over this, and I don't know why she's doing it. I honestly think it's a mixture of her not having all of her friends here last semester, me not being as physically attractive as her other friends, and also her using me to help her study and pass the classes we were in together.
I don't want to keep asking why, because I fell as if I am begging her to be my friend. I can't do this. I also feel like ignoring her to hurt her like she hurt me, but I realize that does not solve anything, and in the end I'm hurting the whole way through too.
I guess I really just want some advice about how to get over rejection. Whenever something like this happens to me, I just get really depressed/anxious. I know that college will be over for me soon, and that I have lots of other friends, but I don't want to keep feeling rejected whenever I am forced to hang out with her. I don't want to completely be mean and ignore her either. How do I send the message that I understand that the friendship is over, and that I don't want her to force it anymore without completely ignoring her or coming off as mean? I'm hesitant to call her a "witch", because she is a polite person, maybe she doesn't feel close to me anymore. Things happen I guess.... Should I still be polite to her and say "hi" without trying to go into conversation with her? What about when we're in a group, should I ignore her? Because I don't want to try and interact with someone who doesn't want to be with me? How do I stop feeling like this?

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate it.


LiannaKole
10-05-2013, 01:12 PM
I'm sorry about what you're going through - it's really not easy, and it hurts a lot for a while. It's tough when you feel close to someone and then realize it isn't like you thought.

I had something sort of like that happen a while back. I had a friend for most of my life (nearly all of it) and I trusted her. But then a series of things happened (one of which was a blow that I can still feel sometimes) that made me realize I couldn't trust her, and that her wants/needs/feelings would always come before mine, and that mine didn't matter much (unless she felt like caring). It was rough to realize. I cried about it for a while, and I still sometimes feel sad or a bit angry, but its mild and fleeting.

What I did was slowly pull back. I no longer tell her important things, I don't share with her, and honestly I don't trust her. I don't dislike her, though. She's fine. We still hang out in groups, still chat sort of when we're with other people. I ask her about her and it works fine. It's been this way for about three years. I think she's just catching on that things aren't the same between us.

My advice is to do something similar. Be polite, hang out in groups if necessary, small talk, but other than that kind of remove yourself from the situation. It'll suck for a while, and then it'll be okay. It does hurt, and it is hard to move past, but it'll happen.

Hang in there. :hug:

ILoveVegetables
10-05-2013, 01:14 PM
As far as I'm concerned, nobody should have the upper hand in a friendship. I would ask her directly what the matter was, but if she kept skirting around it and denying anything was wrong, I'd be ready to let her go as a friend. I wouldn't want to run around after her trying to mend something that I never knew was broken.

That being said, not being friends anymore doesn't mean you have to be rude or ignore her at all. It just means that you aren't invested in the friendship anymore. Say hi to her when you cross paths, be cordial with her, but there's no need to go out of your way to either speak to her or ignore her completely.

Also, I wouldn't look too deep into why she's acting like this. It could be any of a hundred reasons, but unless she's willing to tell you what, it's pointless to speculate, and you'll only end up thinking about the worst ones. Look at it this way, friends come and go all the time. In a few months, you probably won't even remember most of this, and you certainly won't care about it anymore. It'll pass. Don't beat yourself up over this.

Good luck, and keep your chin up. And congratulations on being halfway to your goal :)


PatLib
10-05-2013, 04:36 PM
It seems that you have asked her about the situation are not going to get an honest response.

I see that you have mutual friends so I wouldn't ignore her because that would be petty but don't call her or approach her. I also don't necessarily think you should discuss these problems with mutual friends either. Trust me, this can escalate to a "you were talking crap about me behind my back" when really you were just asking for advice.

I think LiannaKole has the right mindset about this! Sorry this happened to you, sometimes friendships between girls can be tough.

Chaselove
10-05-2013, 04:53 PM
LiannaKole, ILoveVegetables, and PatLib, thank you soooo much! You don't know how much I appreciate your answers (I've read them all twice!). And thank you all for helping to foster a community where I can come here with issues like this and not feel judged. You are all spectacular people!

I've decided that I am going to just take a step back from her, and not try to be her friend anymore. This issue has blindsided me to the fact that I have so many other phenomenal friends here at school, whom I love to bits! She won't ruin my life here at school. It still hurts, but I think I'll get over it. I'll be polite an cordial with her, but that's it.

Thank you ILoveVegetables- I'm still working hard to get there!