Looking Good, Feeling Great - Increased attention from spouse?
09-17-2013, 05:17 PM
I was wondering if any of you ladies who have lost a significant amount of weight have experienced increased attention from your spouse/SO. My husband isn't very affectionate with me (but he is great) and we have discussed how my weight is problematic with the physical aspect of our relationship. I'm losing for my health but more attention from him would be a huge bonus!
09-17-2013, 07:06 PM
No, I've had the opposite. He seems to ignore me more. I could parade around in a bikini and he'd stare straight over my head. Makes me so mad! But I just have to remember I'm not losing weight to gain his attention, I'm doing it for my health and my happiness.
09-17-2013, 08:55 PM
I don't think I'd be very pleased with my spouse if he started paying more attention to me because I lost weight. It would make me feel like I was undesirable before.
09-17-2013, 11:04 PM
My husband and I each have lost about 100 lbs. So far our romantic relationship hasn't changed at all, on either side, except we both have a little more strength and stamina, bu also a lot less interest.
I have the (much) higher sex drive (and probably always will), but in our experience, dieting (and our chronic pain issues) seems to sap both of our sex drives (mine more dramatically than his, probably because I cut calories more dramatically).
As a result, we're much better matched when we're both dieting and/or in severe pain, or are medicated for severe pain, but sadly only because neither of us are all that interested right now. It's easy to have a matching sex drive when both of us are closer to none at all (it's not quite that bad).
I've also learned that my husband's natural instinct is to respond to physical affection rather than to initiate it. He acts "lucky" when I initiate affection, but it's taken us 10 years to get to the point that hubby initiates about 1/3 as often as I'd be happy with (even then, it's usually small gestured of affection). I think I'm probably lucky to have gotten him this far (and only because I can be fairly open at times about my wants).
While "affection/romantic initiator" is the traditional male role, I think far fewer men than we think are comfortable in that role. I think it's a bit of a crap shoot really. Ideally both partners are evenly matched, but I think the odds are actually against it, especially in this day and age. And when you're not equally matched, you have to communicate and negotiate (or suffer in silence).
09-18-2013, 08:45 AM
Yes. Definitely. Lots more appreciative verbal comments, too. This doesn't bother me - far from it (except for the matching drives issue, as kaplods spoke to).
Also, I have a hard time wrapping my mind around the idea of it reflecting negatively on a heavier me. It's not a reflection of the past, it's just a reaction to now. Plus, I know I look better - why would I feel badly that he's noticed the same thing? :D
09-18-2013, 01:25 PM
Keep in mind, as you lose weight your spouse may not notice at first. When you see someone every day it takes a while for them to really notice the changes. After a point I'm sure there'll be a "Huh, you look smaller," and they may appreciate that, but I know when my husband lost weight, it never really changed my opinion of his looks. He looks healthier, and doesn't have as much of a potbelly, but my feelings didn't change. Though when I looked back at our wedding photos I was surprised at how drastic his weight loss was (-40, but he's shorter and wasn't as overweight). I'm hoping that since I need to lose a whole lot more than 40 the change will be more noticeable...
09-18-2013, 05:36 PM
Well I know physically for us it's difficult. He has told me intimacy is tough because of my weight but he is never rude or hurtful about it. I can't move very well because of all the fat and my self esteem is in the crapper because of a lifetime of being fat. I have PCOS and if being fat weren't enough I have extreme body hair (even on my back-true story). I know physically that I am undesirable, so I don't expect him to desire me. I have no attractive female characteristics. I have small boobs and a flat, hairy butt (lol). Men are visual so I can't fault him for not finding me attractive (he's never said that but he doesn't compliment me much either).
I was just hoping that by losing weight it would improve our chances of conception, make me healthier and decrease my bodily pain, and hopefully spark his interest in me more.
Thanks for sharing your experiences! I'd love to hear from more of you beautiful ladies.
09-18-2013, 06:06 PM
Actually even with the little bit of weight I've lost so far, my confidence has soared and that has made a big difference. I just feel sexier these days. My husband doesn't want me more because I'm losing weight, he wants me more because I'm dancing to the radio and wearing more flattering clothing and because, quite frankly, I'm coming on to him.
It sounds like you could really use a big shot of confidence, AnnieC! If you think weight loss would give you that confidence then you should go for it.
As for body hair, I just finished with a series of sessions to remove hair on my face. My husband thought I was crazy because the hair didn't bother him, but it made me feel really bad about myself. I'm not the kind of person who goes in for beauty treatments so I felt a little silly having it done, but I feel so much better with it gone.
So big hugs! The best aphrodisiac is confidence. Flaunt what you've got and your man will come running.
10-04-2013, 11:47 PM
My experience has been the same as tefrey's. Plus, in our case, we've both lost quite a bit of weight and are both feeling more confident and interested. :)
Annie, I just want to give you a big hug! I can't believe that your husband doesn't find you attractive. Attraction is based on so much more than how one compares to some ideal of beauty. :hug: At any rate, I hope your weight loss (or something else) does spark you and your husband in a way that makes you both feel good.
And I wish you the best of luck on trying to conceive.
10-07-2013, 12:22 AM
Perhaps it's not the weight loss that he's becoming more attracted to but the fact you feel better about yourself? I haven't had an extra attention from my partner but he has noticed that I'm more positive and confident than I used to be.
10-22-2013, 10:56 PM
Yes. He constantly tells me how beautiful I am, can't stop grabbing my butt, buys me lingerie all the time. I've been maintaining for close to 2 years now and he still acts like I'm his new toy, lol. I'm 36 and he says I'm hotter now than I was at 16, when we met. Not so sure that's true, but hey, I'll take it!
11-03-2013, 11:16 PM
Well, I am going to be blunt here. It's not that he wants sex more often because we were already having plenty, but he is particularly pleased with how some positions feel even better and I can now do things I couldn't do comfortably before. So he has been thrilled with the extra variety, and I have been having a pretty good time as well, lol!!
He didn't complain when I was heavier but he is enjoying the smaller me, that's for sure :o
I am already thinking about things I will try as I lose even more :carrot:
11-04-2013, 04:45 PM
I think it depends, I think if you started out thin and gained and started losing yeah it might happen. And I don't think that means he would be a bad person but if he was initially attracted to the thinner you than it would make sense.
But he probably doesn't really care as long as you are happy!
11-04-2013, 09:18 PM
I wish I could give you a big dose of self esteem.
My husband began dating me when I was at my highest weight, 248 lbs. It didn't help that he was a tiny man of around 140 lbs. We had known each other in college, had a class together back before I had gained all the weight. Life made our paths cross again after my husband and I seperated, then again when he and his spouse seperated. He asked to call me and talk, I figured id be the fat friend giving him support and helping him thru a tough time.
Needless to say after a month of daily talks and emails we had lunch,didn't know it was a date..until later that night he called me and nervously told me he was interested in me "romantically" I was dumbfounded and asked are you sure? I thought it was a joke and never even once thought about that type or relationship. He said he didn't want to lose me to someone else and asked me on a first office date. It didn't happen for another month because I was terrified and ashamed with myself. My husband was affectionate. Loving, caring, and full of compliments when I was that large.
If anything he gave me more compliments and told me daily I was beautiful and he loved me. Fast forward to my lowest weight.weight. He did understand looked and that I was uncomfortable with myself and hat when we were intimate he tried not to make me feel uncomfortable or guarded he told me I was beatiful, loved me, wanted me, and thru his actions, support, and attention I never doubted it.
The issue in our relationship was with me he didn't care about the weight it was me that couldn't accept it. I lost the weight on my own and while proud of me he always reminds me he never ever saw the weight. We are intimate all the time, we were before. However, the loss of weigh has made me more open and confident which he finds sexy because instead of always trying to hide myself I now share all of me and don't cringe when he touches certain areas.
Sorry for the huge paragraphs, typing in kindle it difficult to space and see what I'm typing :)
11-10-2013, 03:29 PM
mainecyn, that is so beautiful!!!
11-10-2013, 04:05 PM
Yes! My husband shows greater appreciation and compliments me more. But I don't take offense from where I used to be as to now as a "conditional" desire. Before I was very un-happy and quite honestly....Less attractive inside and outside. My un-happiness projected outward to him. Now I lost weight mostly for me due to health because I was having knee issues due to weight. Now I feel better and I take better care of my self. My husband shows me more attention because he not only enjoy's the new me but he has more respect and support because he knows what a huge struggle it was to so far lose 89lbs in 11 Mos. He is incredibly proud of me and shows his support daily.