General chatter - Hurtful Words




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JulesMarion
09-14-2013, 05:33 AM
Well, I guess without going into too much detail I'd like some support and insight on a few things my otherwise supportive, loving husband said to me. We've been married for a year, and since getting married at a weight of 313, I have been progressively heading into a new life change which about three weeks ago I officially decided to implement into my life (no more I'll start tomorrow, oh next time...) and I've dropped about 20 pounds. I'm feeling better but have always been insecure, especially with some family things that have happened between my husband and I (he dealt with a rather significant manic depressive episode a few months after we got married) and if you know anything about bipolar, sometimes it turns people's brain into noodles and they don't quite know what they are doing. To put it lightly.

So I'm insecure and I've always felt that thinner people are more attractive, hence not believing my husband when he says he thinks I'm attractive. Turn to this evening when discussing some problems he has been having and then he tells me that he finds people that we both know more attractive than me. I have always felt that a mans wife should be his everything and that he shouldn't be comparing me to other women, especially not people I know. He says I'm beautiful, but that he's just more attracted to the bodies of womens that are not overweight. I get that, sure. I just wonder what exact weight I need to be in his eyes to no longer be overweight.

I'm doing this for myself, and not for him. I just don't understand why it had to be an issue. I'm just hurt and I know that in a few days I'll get over it and I don't want to burden anyone (other than you guys apparently). I thought we had been doing well after everything that's happened recently in our lives (among other things he used to deal with some 'wandering eye' issues).

We're trying to have an open and honest relationship with no lies, and I think part of me is relieved to finally have him admit to what my heart already knew, I just thought that he was not as superficial as this and I don't know how to respect him after this.


AngieRR1022
09-14-2013, 08:14 AM
I am so sorry. I really don't have any advice to offer, I just wanted to give you :hug:.

I am bipolar and so is my father, so I do understand what it can do to your brain. It can be quite ugly at times. I really hope things get better for you.

Wannabeskinny
09-14-2013, 08:30 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about this. I don't know anyone who is bipolar so I don't have any experience with that but I do know that it's sever and it affects the entire family of those who suffer with it. I don't know if his condition has anything to do with the hurtful things he says to you but I do know that either way, you don't deserve to be hurt. It's hard to help someone when they do their best to weaken you and nobody deserves to be told by their spouse that they find other people more attractive. Why did he marry you then? I know it's more complicated than just up and leave him, but in my world if someone made me feel like that I would seriously consider leaving. I don't want anyone to settle for me or sabotage the steps I take to better myself by implying that I wasn't good enough to begin with. What is that? I don't even have enemies that would make me feel that low let alone a husband.

In your marriage I know you want to help him and be there for him. I hope he does get the help that he really needs and the medication that he needs. But if things continue like that what will happen to you and your self esteem?


doingmybest
09-14-2013, 12:18 PM
I completely agree with Wannabeskinny. I am sending you big hugs and hoping that you get the love and care you absolutely deserve. :hug:

This life is not all about your needing to be good enough to please him. Marriage is supposed to be about the needs of both people being met. It is supposed to be a sacred partnership where each person should enhance the other's life.

I have never called my husband a name. I have never used profanity at him. I have never insulted him and he has never insulted me. Yes, we fight and yell, but we talk about the problem and we have a lot of problems. However, we never try to hurt each other. This is a main reason why we have been together for almost 40 years.

I lived in a household growing up with two bipolar people (mother and brother). I know exactly the kind of toll that bipolar disorder can take on a person and their family. While I agree that helping your husband is the right thing to do, please don't lose sight of your own needs.

JulesMarion
09-14-2013, 02:02 PM
This was not a bipolar thing at all for him, he's on medication and said it out of his own brain. That hurts more for me, knowing there's no other excuses.

Lecomtes
09-14-2013, 02:21 PM
I am so, so sorry Jules. HUGS! It is positive that you and your husband can talk openly, but I too see it as you do, he should not be comparing your body to those of other women you know. It's disrespectful. You deserve happiness and good health, feel free to vent to us anytime. It's such a relief to have a safe space to talk about how you are feeling such as 3FC. It's no burden on us, many of us have had similar insecurities and issues come up in our relationships. I really commend you for the great job you are doing, kudos to you!

Desiderata
09-14-2013, 02:42 PM
There's a distinction between a shallow physical attraction and being attracted to someone as a whole person. The former is very common, and the latter is more special. At a base level, finding other human beings physically attractive is just a lizard brain/base instinct (and not necessarily selective). Wanting to entangle your life with another is a more sophisticated and mature level of attraction. You might call both "attraction," but they refer to almost entirely different concepts.

Your husband chose to marry you - so presumably, he finds you deeply attractive as a person. But I know insecurity is really, really hard to struggle with. May or may not be on target for the conversation you had, but maybe distinguishing between the attraction thing will help? To wildly over-generalize, I think women often conflate the two attractions and find emotional significance in the physical attraction, and men often have little emotional investment / are more detached when it comes to discussing physical attraction. And that's where a lot of hurt can come in. Hopefully that describes your situation, and the hurt you're feeling was entirely unintentional on his part.

kaplods
09-14-2013, 02:51 PM
Did he say this out of the blue, or because you asked?


I ask, because you talk about trying to have an open and honest relationship and him finally admitting.... which both imply this didn't come out of the blue.

My husband and I both have morbidly obese, scarred, middle-aged bodies. We're attracted to each other as we are, but if forced to be honest, we both would prefer the other came in a more attractive package.

Even if we lose the weight, we're not going to be each other's ideal physically. Luckily our physical ideals aren't top priority.

My hubby has no butt. He's built a bit like a frog. Big belly and legs that attach to the belly almost out of nowhere.

I would prefer a man with a butt, but the model I chose doesn't come with one. No matter how much weight he loses, he will never have a butt, just a place where his thin legs meet.

Before I met him, I would have NEVER thought I could find "frog butt" sexy at all.

I was wrong. Falling in love with him made frog-butt sexy to me, but not magically more sexy than the firm-rounded butt that was my ideal.

Hubby knows this. We also know each other's celebrity crushes and which of our friends we find physically attractive (and probably more attractive than each other if we had to be brutally honest, but we've never felt the need for THAT kind of honesty).

But just because one of hubby's friends looks like a model and another looks damned fine in a kilt, doesn't mean I want to trade hubby in for either.

If we both could have body transplants, we would not choose our current bodies for ourselves or each other.

And that's ok. It doesn't mean we love each other less or would cheat on each other with someone we found more appealing.

What I'm saying is that context is important. Did your husband say these things to hurt you, or because you "asked him to be honest."

Consider couples counseling, because a good counselor can help you communicate "honestly" without hurting each other.

Open and honest communication is very difficult to do without hurting each other, because we're not taught how to do it.

Also there's a difference between honest and "full disclosure" of every thought. My husband knows how much I loved his pre-gray auburn and flame red hair. I've even asked him (once) if he would ever consider dyeing it. He does not know that I would love him to if some of the gray was left in (but he thinks hair dye or men is vain and girly).

Hubby and I are more open and honest with each other than most, but we also have much thicker skins. And even so, we don't go out of our way to tell the truths that might hurt. In a perfect world, we both would find ourselves and each other the most physically, intellectually, and spiritually the most beautiful beings on the Planet, but we don't live in that world. Still, there's no point in pointing that out to each other.

vintagecat
09-14-2013, 02:52 PM
Wow. What a dig at a spot where most of us are secretly sore. I know many of us have a hard time believing that our spouses can really love us and are attracted to us (at least physically) when we ourselves often loathe our own appearances.

I think many a food sabotage and comments like these are done out of fear of change, fear of losing the person that they love or have become dependent on. In your case, perhaps your husband foolishly thought that he was spurring you onward toward his ideal? Whatever the case, there is no excuse for this hurtfulness.

Do you have someone wise at hand or can you afford a counselor that you can bounce things like this off of as you lose weight so that you can gain insight into your marriage? If you don't have children and you find that you have made a mistake, it's not too late to correct it. I'm absolutely not for chucking otherwise good relationships that are fulfilling but I am completely for making sure that they are good and fulfilling.

IMO we fat gals tend to "settle" more than we should, putting up with much unhappiness, to have or keep a mate, similar to another thread earlier. I divorced my first husband for his sense of "superiority" hurtful "honesty" and entitlements. It was the first divorce in my extended family and it caused quite a considerable brouhaha but it was the best decision I've ever made. My family didn't have to live with him. I wanted a life of no excuses and no regrets. It took a while and there were a few false starts but I am very happily married (21 years) to a loving, kind, considerate partner and it's like night and day's difference from my first time around.

Don't jump the gun on this one incident, but be aware of your marital dynamics. Consider counseling, together or separately seeing as it sounds like you have some other issues to discuss from the previous incident that you alluded to in your post.

I'm really sorry. Regardless of intent your husband was careless of your feelings. Some "truths" need not be told even in a good marriage.