General chatter - Can I whine for a minute? Feeling alone...




AngieRR1022
09-10-2013, 11:25 AM
I don't know where else to turn, so I'm coming here. Lately I have been feeling very much alone. I will keep this as short as possible, but be warned even the short version will probably be long.

In March 2013 my 3 yr old neice (who my parents were raising) was taken away by DCS because my parents and my neice's mother (my sister) all failed drug tests. (Little back story, my parents have always been addicts. I grew up knowing this. I was the mom, my mom was always high.) She ended up with me and my husband. We tried to make it work for a few months, but made it very clear that if it wasnt a good fit for our family she would have to go somewhere else. In May, my husband and I decided that we financially, physically, and emotionally, could not continue raising an additional child. (We have 3 of our own.) My neice is now with a good friend of her father's, with a goal of transitioning to live with her father. I have not spoken to most of my family since that day. They blame me for this whole situation. The only contact I have had with my family is a few times my father has called me, asking me to do stuff for him. He doesnt even ask how my children are doing. My husband and I were starting to feel used, so we made the decision to change our phone numbers and cut off all contact with my family.

So, I basically dont have parents or sisters anymore. I dont have many friends, I am just not a naturally social person. I have a couple close friends, but they have their own children and their own lives to worry about. I work days and my husband works nights, so we dont get a lot of time together. And lately it seems whenever I call him to talk about something that's bothering me, his phone is turned off or he didn't hear it ring or whatever.

I know it was the best thing for myself and my children to cut off contact with my parents and sisters (my sisters are now on drugs just like my parents). Lately I miss them though. I miss having someone to talk to.

Ok, I feel a little better now. Ugh. It helps to just get it out.


zoesmom
09-10-2013, 11:27 AM
:hug:

How I can relate in so many ways. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

amandie
09-10-2013, 02:06 PM
Huge hugs!!! You can talk to us on here!


alaskanlaughter
09-10-2013, 02:17 PM
((hugs)) I totally understand and can relate to some of that....I know what it's like to have family addicted to substances...and my DH and I also tried raising someone else's baby for awhile until it became more about the family drama than what was about what's best for the baby...its heartbreaking at times :(

EagleRiverDee
09-10-2013, 02:26 PM
*Nods* My family isn't close, either, and I'm not a naturally social person so I have very few friends. I have my DH, but I was thinking the other day that if something catastrophic happened to me it would be only my mother or my DH I would want to talk to. I can't think of a single friend who I feel I could depend on for emotional support. And sometimes I get desperately lonely. Last year I joined Meetup and that has helped, to a point. I do get out into social situations more. But I haven't made any true friendships from it, just acquaintances. I had a close friend up until November of last year but our friendship fizzled and now is non-existent. It is tough.

That said, I think you made the right decision cutting your family off. I think we're better off alone than with people who don't care about us around and only want us around for what we can do for them. Friendships and family should be mutually beneficial, not just one directional.

AngieRR1022
09-10-2013, 02:29 PM
You ladies have no idea how much I appreciate this. I swear, I couldn't have found a better group of people if I'd tried. :hug:

I'm feeling much better now. Sometimes it just helps to let it all spill out to whomever may be listening.

tefrey
09-10-2013, 02:33 PM
I'm so sorry this has happened. You made the right choice for you, and the fact that your niece is going to live with her father sounds like a good thing for both of them.

I know you care for your family but they don't sound good for you, for your niece, or for each other. It's hard but you may need to find a new, healthy family.

You guys sound really busy but I wonder if you have time for an activity, something just for you? Taking a class or joining a club is a great way to be around people and make new friends and have something to talk about.

Anyway, you seem like a really great nice person with a lot to offer, so I feel sure you will find people who want to be your friend.

mhill0823
09-10-2013, 02:34 PM
We're all here if you need us, anytime!!!!
I'm sorry you have to go through that situation but I know you're strong enough and can always vent to us when you need to!:)
Hope you're having a great day!!

cleancowgirl
09-10-2013, 02:37 PM
I definitely can relate. My family was not addicts but not great people. Your family is not in a good place for you. Sometimes we need to break ties to survive. Addicts tend to blame everyone but themselves and you are the victim. I will make an ultimatum with them if they do crawl back into your life. Get off the drugs or not contact with you and especially with your kids. Good luck. I am sure you are a social person. You came here asking for help. Join a church if you are religious, join a hobby club, get involved with your childrens school in a more vocal way. There are people waiting to meet you and become your friend.

Wannabeskinny
09-10-2013, 05:30 PM
That's a very brave decision you made, and a very difficult one. Whenever I hear someone has cut ties with their immediate family members I never second guess them - because it's such a difficult thing to do that I figure it's the last straw and no other options available. I have to believe that you did the right thing for your kids and yourself and that's most important.

I would leave a door open, make it clear to your family that you love them but that they have lost the right to use you. If they want contact with you they will have to be clean, no ands ifs or butts and that's all there is to it.

AngieRR1022
09-10-2013, 05:40 PM
Wannabe, I wish it were that simple. The courts gave my parents a choice between their family and drugs. Literally. When my niece was living with me, the judge told them they were not allowed to visit unless they passed a drug test. My father told me "I ain't quittin. I'm too **** old to change, girl." And they refused any treatment or further drug testing by the courts.

They chose drugs over their grandchildren. They chose drugs over me. After a lifetime of this, I dont think I have it in me to leave a door open for these people. It hurts me, it seriously breaks my heart, but I think it's the only way for me to move on. I am mostly happy with my decision. Like so many people have said here, my children and I don't need people like that in our lives. But every now and then I get down about it. And that's what I have my few close friends and you guys on here for. :)

AwShucks
09-10-2013, 09:11 PM
You're not alone. You've created your own family with your DH and your kids! I'm single and have only brothers, so we're not very close --even their kids are stand-offish. I always think that if I had sisters, it wouldn't be that way. But, then, I might have other problems like yours. Really sorry about your original family dynamics.

Hang in there. It's hard to make friends once we reach a certain age. I've tried, and been disappointed so many times when someone flakes out on me. Just keep on keeping on. And, come here when you need to talk. We'll listen!

melaniv
09-10-2013, 10:28 PM
Addicts are all about themselves. A sad, sad truth.

mzshaunna
09-10-2013, 11:21 PM
I'm so sorry to hear that :( *huuuuuge hugs*. You need to put your children first and you did what was best for your family. It's such a shame but definately their loss that they are taking their problems out on you.

luckymommy
09-11-2013, 01:00 AM
Just want to send you some :hug:. I do hope you find someone who can appreciate you as you deserve. As others have said, you absolutely did the right thing by ending your relationship with your family. :hug:

doingmybest
09-11-2013, 02:39 AM
I just want to send you big hugs too. :hug: I can only imagine how sad this situation is for you. It is especially difficult to see kids go through this.

I think that one of the toughest things in life is loneliness. When I cut ties off from my abusive family, I knew it was the right thing to do but it left a big hole in my soul. I decided to replace them with loving, supportive people, and I have been lucky to find a few, including my DH and a few friends. This still didn't quite take the place of family, but now I have much more peace and happiness in my life. I hope you will find the same.

Wannabeskinny
09-11-2013, 09:03 AM
Wannabe, I wish it were that simple. The courts gave my parents a choice between their family and drugs. Literally. When my niece was living with me, the judge told them they were not allowed to visit unless they passed a drug test. My father told me "I ain't quittin. I'm too **** old to change, girl." And they refused any treatment or further drug testing by the courts.

They chose drugs over their grandchildren. They chose drugs over me. After a lifetime of this, I dont think I have it in me to leave a door open for these people. It hurts me, it seriously breaks my heart, but I think it's the only way for me to move on. I am mostly happy with my decision. Like so many people have said here, my children and I don't need people like that in our lives. But every now and then I get down about it. And that's what I have my few close friends and you guys on here for. :)

I get it. I wasn't suggesting that you leave a door open for their benefit. I was only suggesting it for your own benefit. Let other people make their choices, even if those choices are obviously horrible. I'm sorry your parents did not choose you. Drug addiction is an ugly disease.

AngieRR1022
09-11-2013, 10:46 AM
Feeling wonderful today, guys! This talk seems to have really helped me. :) Thanks again for the love and support. It's awesome to know I have somewhere to turn when life gets to be too much.

luckymommy
09-11-2013, 11:58 AM
Fantastic news AngieRR! I hope this wonderful feeling continues for a long, long time.

df180
09-15-2013, 04:10 AM
we're here for you, many hugs