Depression and Weight Issues - It hurts.

View Full Version : It hurts.

08-29-2013, 10:59 AM
I'm sure everyone has seen the commercials for depression. "Where does it hurt? Who does it hurt? How does it hurt?" It hurts everywhere, all over, and still hasn't stopped. Some of you might know (if you read my introduction post) that I'm twenty-three. Pretty young. I'm better now than I used to be, but I'm still not completely fine.

I grew up in a military family. Which means I never stayed in one place for too long. I've made friends, lost friends, and it finally took its toll on me during my last major move. I was thirteen years old, moved to one city, yet went to every school in that city. I had never lived in the south before. I'm a northern gal through and through. I'm also mixed. So when I moved to Kentucky I never imagined that I'd get threatened at school on a daily basis because of the color of my skin. Things like that just never happened. That was the spark that set my mind on fire. All the recipes for disaster were already there and the racism just shoved me over the edge. I fell into a terrible state of mind where suicide was my primary thought all day every day. I started gaining even more weight and then by my junior year in high school I went to see a guidance counselor and told her how I felt.

Needless to say, I wasn't allowed back at school for two weeks. They wanted me to go to a facility to be watched for 72 hours. Thankfully, my mother refused. However, I did go to a therapist, saw myself a psychiatrist, and was eventually put on medication: concerta for my A.D.D. and Lexapro for my depression. I lost a lot of weight, started feeling better and graduated with flying colors. Then I started hanging out with new people, got in trouble, ran away and lived in New York for a bit. Afterwards, I came home a somewhat changed person. I was thinner, cooler, and more outgoing than before. That was until I began dating.

I was in an abusive relationship. It was so hard on me that I literally thought I was going crazy. He would threaten my life, threaten my family's life...and all around was destructive to my emotions. So, the urge to take my life came back. By that point in time I had been off my medicine for two years (I was 20 years old). I thought I was better...but when I found myself going back to therapy, I realized I'll probably never be better. I got put back on medicine, but this time Amitriptyline and Cymbalta. It made me worse. I did end up breaking it off with the abusive boyfriend, but I was so out of it from my medication that...I was saving my pills for the end of the week and mixing them with alcohol in an attempt to kill myself. Didn't work, so I tried to drown myself. That didn't work, either. Eventually I stopped taking the medication in hopes of just getting better by being off of them (since they were enhancing my crazy).

As the last few years have passed, I've turned to food as my major comfort food. I got married, and my marriage...would be perfect if I didn't hate it so much. I don't know why I hate my relationship, there's no reason for me to, but it makes me even more depressed. When I gained even more weight throughout my current relationship I just...started hating myself more and more. When I weighed myself at the beginning of summer, I really just broke down. Cried. Because I was becoming my mother when she was my age. 285 pounds, twenty-three, and without the slightest bit of motivation to start working out.

To conclude this, since it's growing to be too long, although I do not take medication anymore, my depression prevents me from wanting to even so much as wake up in the morning. For instance, this morning. Instead of getting up and working out like I promised myself last night, I woke up, grabbed a cup of coffee and watched television. The sad part is...I'm still wearing the active wear from when I was about to exercise, but just couldn't bring myself to. I don't know if I'm just that lazy, I don't think I'm lazy...but I am exhausted all the time.

I guess it just...hurts me more than I let on.

08-29-2013, 12:38 PM
I nearly wept when I saw this. Of course it is horrible and it changed your life's course, making you suffer from thirteen and to this day. To be frank, you need to make the past the past and deal with your present, be here now. Most mental illness is "past reflection." You have a good marriage now, I am assuming you have other things that come of a good marriage. This may not be everything. but it is a good starting point.

I was depressed for many years, and gained quite a lot (80 lbs). I finally succumbed to taking pills and am on prosac which has an appetite suppression side effect. I would just plow through super sized plates of food. Eating is fun and it gets your mind off your problems. Since starting the pills (recently) my meals are much smaller, and the weight is shifting. There has been a period of time where I felt drugged and lethargic, but I am also getting over that.

It seems interesting to me that some people turn to food, but others turn to extreme sports, and some to "starvation," the opposite of over-eating.

I really think that when a person is depressed, they should see a doctor about it, and get some anti depressant pills, but then also begin to really look at changing things in their lives. One of the biggest changes is to look forward, not to look backward. Never look back.

08-29-2013, 01:31 PM
My goodness, there is so much hurt in your story and I'm sure you haven't even told us the half of it. I wish I lived in a big big house with even bigger gardens so that folks who need time out could come and stay for a while and know that they are valuable and precious and loved and that if for any reason they were no longer around then you can bet they would be awfully, terribly missed.


08-30-2013, 12:22 AM

You have some serious things going on.

There is nothing wrong in reaching out and asking for help, and admitting you have problems you need help with.:hug:

A good therapist, and even though you may not want to, you may need to have some supportive medication.

That's not a bad thing. The bad thing, is to not go forth and do the best you can to be the best you can be.

I could be all wet, but sounds like you have some Post traumatic stress, along with the depression.

Do yourself a favor and give it up and get some help! There is nothing wrong with that.

If you had a broken leg from a skiing accident, or a busted nose from a car wreck, or a strange rash, or sinus infection, or toothache, wouldn't you seek medical/professional help?

Just because it is not a condition you can see, like bleeding arteries, does not mean that you do not need some supportive care.:hug:

08-30-2013, 01:12 AM
Wow, I'm sorry for your troubles. Bullying is a terrible thing.

I'm a firm believer in counseling. Find the right therapist, take meds if you need them.

Take care. Best of luck to you.

08-30-2013, 11:06 AM
Please find someone to talk with. I got laid off earlier this year and haven't been able to find work, I was feeling depressed for majority of the time. My fiancÚ is my support system, I told him I thought I was depressed, I could sit here all day and zone out and not think about anything and only get up to use the bathroom or find something to eat. He helped me through it, encourage me to find a hobby, to do what I wanted to do.
There are still days where I want to sit on the couch and watch TV, or sit on the computer and YouTube all day. But you know what I want more, to be FIT and healthy. I know your story is different and I feel for you, find help, let your emotions out, don't keep it bottled in. Maybe a friend, your husband, a family member that can just listen, or professional help. Take it a day at a time.

Take care sweetie