General chatter - My husband doesn't get it!




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NJChick78
08-23-2013, 09:43 PM
Oh ladies, I am so wanting to slap my husband right now.

Here is the situation:

A fedex package for me was delivered. We were not home so fedex left it at the apartment complex office. Its about 2 blocks away. On Wednesday when I saw the fedex slip I asked my husband to walk down to the office and get it on Thursday (he doesn't drive and I work 8am - 7pm all week, office hours are 9am-6pm). He said "No, its too hot." Well, I was livid. I do so much for him and he could not even say "Ok, if its not too hot tomorrow." or something. I told him he is selfish and I was mad at him. I told him that no one ever wants to do something for me if its not convenient and I do more for others than they do for me.

He walked down before work and got it, since I emailed him the weather predicting 70's on Thursday. When I picked him up from work he apologized for making me sad.

Things were fine until tonight. He wanted to discuss it. He kept saying "you dont understand, i dont like the heat, it makes me sick, blah blah blah" totally missing the point. You do things for other people, not just when its convenient.

I really wanna slap him upside the head.

BTW, when I work overnights, I come home at 6:30am, take a nap, get up at 7:45am and drive him to work.

Why are men so vapid and selfish?:mad:


doingmybest
08-23-2013, 11:48 PM
Hugs from me. :hug: I understand your frustration.

I have same experience with my husband. When we were first married, he couldn't hold down a job for several years. He didn't care how it impacted our financial life or the burden it put on me. He was just happy to not be working the job that he never wanted.

He also never defended me whenever his mother put me down. He just never wanted to get into a fight with her no matter how much she hurt me. So he sacrificed me to appease her.

All of the men in my life in addition to my husband (father, brother, friends, colleagues, nephews) only cared about themselves, not me. I don't know why they are like this. I believe, however, that there are some very caring, giving men out there.

I find my happiness by myself. I can enjoy the company of both men and women, but I only count on myself.

NJChick78
08-24-2013, 10:21 PM
yeah, they can be dense too


fatferretfanatic
08-24-2013, 11:20 PM
I find that sometimes the people in our lives don't understand how important something may be to us, because it seems trivial to them. It took years for my husband to learn how to use tact when speaking to me. We've come a long way, but sometimes it takes time and communication. I hope you guys work through this well!

Brandis
08-24-2013, 11:28 PM
I think maybe it's time for you to tell him how much you dislike working all night and then having to drive him after no sleep! Or how much you hate how hot the oven is by serving him a cold meal.

At some point, you have to decide whether some of this behavior is being encouraged, or whether these things are just personality traits. Some wives are guilty of being the "ideal wife" for so long that men come to expect being fully taken care of. Unfortunately, this is one area where observational learning does not come into play. Sometimes, the sense of entitlement is created, albeit unintentially, by the unknowing spouse. The closer the household is to egalitarian at the beginning, I feel, the more sharing there will be in the relationship. Every organism learns from its environment. Personality ain't gonna change, no way, no how. However, bad habits can be unlearned!

Oh -I've got a good idea. Get him a bike to ride to work. When he complains about the heat, tell him that when he starts thinking of others, he can come back to the world of others. Until then, he can get used to relying on himself, as that is precisely the feeling you get from his support in your marriage!

And before anyone bashes me as a man hater, or a monogamy dissident... I am married to a wonderful man that I probably don't tell often enough how much he is appreciated. I was also raised by a wonderful set of parents that included a generous, thoughtful, emotionally secure father that I am very grateful for. I am, however, very aware of how gender roles and societal expectations can influence certain situations in marriage. I hope you can work things out! The bike thing was a joke, by the way... That likely wouldn't help your situation any.

Arctic Mama
08-25-2013, 12:02 AM
We teach people how to treat us by how we respond and the expectations we set. Be clear and communicate these things to your husband, then do the daily maintaining of the relationship by reiterating, correcting, and praising where need be, to change things the way you think they should. It sounds to me like a difference in his understanding of priorities vs. yours, in addition to some good old fashioned selfishness (and not just from him, you're human as well ;) ). These sorts of things don't fix themselves - a lot of honest communicating and concerted effort is usually required, and the marriage will be better for it.

If it isn't, or he responds badly and continues to do so, that would be a red flag for deeper issues, I'd say.

EagleRiverDee
08-26-2013, 02:53 PM
Oh man, I completely understand this. I am similarly mad at my SO right now. I had planned for weeks to do an all-ladies campout with my Meetup group this past weekend. I had purchased gear, done research, etc. I have 3 cats and a dog and had asked my SO if he could watch them weeks ago with occasionaly reminders as time went along. He always said yes, no problem. Then on Friday, the day before my campout, he tells me he wants to take his boat out Saturday and go fishing. Which means the dog would be locked up in her little crate all day, and he may or may not make it back in time to give one of the cats the insulin it requires for its diabetes. Seriously? I ended up having to cancel my trip because he was too selfish to do what he asked. And how does he respond? He's furious with me for "not trusting" him and for cancelling my trip. Not trusting? I did trust him, right up until he told me himself that he was backing out on our deal. He tells me now that when I expressed reservations about his boating trip that he'd decided not to go, but I know how he is. He would rather beg forgiveness than ask permission, and if he had it in his head he was going boating then he was going boating.