General chatter - Breaking bad news to an old friend that didn't go well




Katzepatra
08-17-2013, 04:21 PM
:stress: I've been feeling so awful for about a week. I know I'm new and haven't really gotten to talk much so I'll sort be spilling a bit and ranting as well.

I returned to college last fall and have been struggling, everything gets paid but I really don't have a lot left over. My job goes through seasonal highs and lows so they cut hours over the summer while things slowed down. My oldest friend (we met in kindergarten) got engaged in May set her wedding for 4 months later, for September. She just relocated to South Carolina from Pennsylvania but instead of coming back here to get married she is having her wedding down south (in Hilton Head) and asked everyone (her family and his) to travel down to it. I should mention this is her second wedding - I already was in her first one 5 years ago.

I accepted the invite right away and to make room in my budget, I didn't take summer classes and switched schools for fall and have been doing hair at home to bring in some extra cash. I was originally thinking of moving the same month but extended my lease so I could save for this instead. I was planning on driving down since flights were way too much for my boyfriend and I to afford. I just took my car in to see what it needs to be road worthy and turns out I need more work then I thought (it was inspected without problems in June). As I need to get to work, I don't have a choice but to fix it however, all my extra money is going into it and I now don't have enough to go to the wedding.

I was incredibly upset at having to back out and fearing that I wouldn't do it, my boyfriend broke the news to my friend who proceed to flip out at me. She insisted that I borrow someones car because she already gave her counts to the caterer. I tried to tell her everything that happened, apologize that he jumped the gun because I was upset, and silence - she stopped responding.

Yesterday, she bombarded me about being spiteful she was getting married (I've never been married), insinuating I was lieing and I lost it, I got so angry. She makes considerably more money then me and I don't feel she understands what living with my income is like and how much I did have to give up to try affording the trip in the first place. I don't complained to her about my financial issues - I chose to drop out of school in the first place to go have crazy life experiences while she tolled away to a double masters, so I live with a lot less and I accept that. That's why I'm trying to finish my degree - you can't be 20 forever.

I guess I'm looking for any insight - really, I'm in uncharted waters. She is the first of my friends to be re-marrying and she's a very type A person. We've been friends for 24 years so I don't think this will end it, I just don't know if she's looking at the situation from Bride eyes or if there is more to it. :?:


alaskanlaughter
08-17-2013, 05:01 PM
if it was me, i'd just give her time and space to get over it and get on with things....not buy into the drama causing by her anger at you...etc...which is easier said than done...but I think a lot of it is bride-related anyhow unless she has behaved like this in the past

cheeriloos
08-17-2013, 05:15 PM
She will get over it! A few of my family and friends couldn't make it to my wedding and accepted the invite then for a month before just didn't answer calls, emails nothing, its been some time and im over it. I Dont hoped it against my best friend who lies in another state and couldn't afford to come.. still sad but I still love her. The number one thing to remember is a bride is like a pressure cooker there is an ungodly amount of stress in planning a wedding, so your job is to keep your friendship whether you go or not, let her be angry let her vent and just apologize because a soft answer turneth away wrath.. meaning if you Dont respond to her anger with anger just be humble no matter what, eventually she will see your view. For that you might have to swallow your pride when she talks to you but it will only be temporary, many people refuse to dohat and end up saying things they regret. Be patient you are doing your best but right now she is too stressed to think rationally. I'm sure she still loves you,p.s. get a second opinion on yourcar and find a mechanic who works on the side,i have kept my cars on the road for years this way where if I took them to an actual shop I would have no car because of the price and extra things they say are wrong which aren't! ( That is a real common thing for auto shops)Good luck


Bellamack
08-17-2013, 05:30 PM
People who have Money, NEVER understand when someone doesn't have it!

I commend you for not going into extra debt to go to a SECOND wedding. We, as Americans spend way more than we should for the most part, this causes stress, bankrupcy, etc. You can only do what you can do. Don't lose sleep over it.

Song of Surly
08-17-2013, 06:50 PM
I don't really buy into the whole concept that, just because you're a bride, you have some excuse in treating people however you want because of your stress levels. Not all brides act like a lunatic while they're wedding planning, and I've always thought the whole bridezilla concept to be a little silly. I teach for a living, and there's an awful lot of stress and hours that goes into planning and managing a classroom every day. I don't think people should excuse my behavior, however, if I am a jerk to them because of that stress. If I lash out while I am stressed, that is a problem with me, and I have done something wrong and should apologize. It may be the reason I lashed out, but excuses are excuses. The same is for any other person who is experiencing stress.

So, with that, your friend was not being very kind to you in this aspect. It's very selfish to ask anyone to go without or have serious monetary consequences because of a party celebrating themselves. It's even more selfish to then lash out at the other person and tell them that they are a jealous liar. As others have said, I would give her the time now to perhaps put all of this in perspective, which may currently be skewed by the absolutely ridiculous wedding culture we have acquired. I would not, however, be kissing her a** to apologize at this point. You've already tried to do so much to be able to go to this wedding (not taking classes, not moving), and it is obvious that you are a good friend. She is the one not being a very good friend right now.

nationalparker
08-17-2013, 08:44 PM
Leave it be - if she's that "close" to you to be asking you to her wedding, she is close enough to understand your financial situation. SO one more meal is counted to the caterer. Big deal - that's part of it. A bride makes her own stress and as the poster above aptly points out, there are TONS of actual jobs out there with way more stress and you don't treat folks like crap.

You have gone through way more to try to make it work out financially for you than most anyone else would do. Either she values your friendship or not. And now it's also your turn to think about how much - not how long - she has been your friend and how this behavior stacks up. Obviously it's something that is bothering you. rightly so.

GlamourGirl827
08-17-2013, 09:49 PM
People who have Money, NEVER understand when someone doesn't have it!

I commend you for not going into extra debt to go to a SECOND wedding. We, as Americans spend way more than we should for the most part, this causes stress, bankrupcy, etc. You can only do what you can do. Don't lose sleep over it.

I second this. Especially people with money never understanding when someone doesn't.

PatLib
08-17-2013, 10:25 PM
I am not sure what to make of this situation but for the most part I think what brides ask bridesmaids to do for their wedding is ridiculous.

My sister paid for her bridesmaids dresses and she tried to pick a destination that could be both a vacation for her guests but still price conscious. I think more brides should do this, asking someone to go to some remote place or a place that is overly expensive is just plain selfish.

But on another note, your friend may think that you are judging her for having a second wedding. I use to work at a department store and register couples and brides who are getting married a second time are very self-conscious about their second weddings and feel like people are judging them for spending money on a second wedding. Perhaps when the dust has settled you could ease her mind on that front?

SuperHeroTeacher
08-17-2013, 11:23 PM
People who have Money, NEVER understand when someone doesn't have it!

I commend you for not going into extra debt to go to a SECOND wedding. We, as Americans spend way more than we should for the most part, this causes stress, bankrupcy, etc. You can only do what you can do. Don't lose sleep over it.

^^^this.

Also, does any one else see the irony that the bride is pissed because she "gave her counts to the caterer"? So let me get ths straight, it's okay for her to be mad that she's out a couple hundred dollars for dinner, but she doesn't feel bad about asking you to spend potentially more that $1000 for gas, car rental, hotel room, dress, gift, etc.?

Give her some Time. When she gets over her wedding narcissism she'll be back if she really is a good friend, if not then I guess your friendship isn't as strong as you thought it was.

shcirerf
08-18-2013, 02:54 AM
It's a second wedding! Whoop dee doo!

She has now invited you into her drama, an invitation you are not obligated to accept!

So the caterer has a count that is one off. Seriously! What if someone who was going to attend gets up that morning and is sick as all get out with the back door trots, and to ill to call and cancel?

Granted I'm probably old enough to be the brides mother, but really!

A first wedding is one thing, I get the bridezilla thing, but a second, not so much.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Life happens. Maybe she will come around later, maybe she won't. If she does and apologizes, carry on, if she doesn't you probably should move on.

People come and go in our lives for different reasons, and we would be wise to accept the lessons learned.

Wannabeskinny
08-18-2013, 09:39 AM
People who have Money, NEVER understand when someone doesn't have it!

I commend you for not going into extra debt to go to a SECOND wedding. We, as Americans spend way more than we should for the most part, this causes stress, bankrupcy, etc. You can only do what you can do. Don't lose sleep over it.

Well that's wildly unfair to say that people with money NEVER understand. I've had money for things when my friend couldn't afford something and I've "understood" and then there were times when I couldn't afford something and my friends have "understood."

A person should be allowed to be married, just because a person is getting married for a second time doesn't mean that they shouldn't celebrate that day, and it doesn't mean that they shouldn't include anyone.

That said, I don't think your friend is being very fair to you. I lost my best friend since elementary school because I couldn't afford her wedding. I did go, but I lived in an entirely different state and was really worried the whole time that I coudln't afford the dress, shoes, gift, travel time, etc. It ended up costing me a lot. Finally on the day of the wedding she demoted me from Maid of Honor because she said I wasn't "there for her" (I was working in a different state!!) and after the wedding her new husband called to tell me that she never wanted to speak to me ever again because my dress was wrinkled and I ruined all her wedding photos. That was harsh, I'll never understand why she was so angry with me, I couldn't make the money grow out of my butt but I was THERE! and I was on the phone with her on a daily basis talking about HER HER HER for months! Now I don't miss her at all, it's been 16yrs since her wedding.

I would suggest talking to your friend calmly about your concerns, and try not to worry about what you can't do. If she loves you she'll understand. But chances are she's not thinking about you at all. It's horrible that she said she already gave a count to the caterer. In that case, just send her a gift and be done with her.

Wannabeskinny
08-18-2013, 09:45 AM
People who have Money, NEVER understand when someone doesn't have it!

I commend you for not going into extra debt to go to a SECOND wedding. We, as Americans spend way more than we should for the most part, this causes stress, bankrupcy, etc. You can only do what you can do. Don't lose sleep over it.

Well that's wildly unfair to say that people with money NEVER understand. I've had money for things when my friend couldn't afford something and I've "understood" and then there were times when I couldn't afford something and my friends have "understood."

A person should be allowed to be married, just because a person is getting married for a second time doesn't mean that they shouldn't celebrate that day, and it doesn't mean that they shouldn't include anyone.

That said, I don't think your friend is being very fair to you. I lost my best friend since elementary school because I couldn't afford her wedding. I did go, but I lived in an entirely different state and was really worried the whole time that I coudln't afford the dress, shoes, gift, travel time, etc. It ended up costing me a lot. Finally on the day of the wedding she demoted me from Maid of Honor because she said I wasn't "there for her" (I was working in a different state!!) and after the wedding her new husband called to tell me that she never wanted to speak to me ever again because my dress was wrinkled and I ruined all her wedding photos. That was harsh, I'll never understand why she was so angry with me, I couldn't make the money grow out of my butt but I was THERE! and I was on the phone with her on a daily basis talking about HER HER HER for months! Now I don't miss her at all, it's been 16yrs since her wedding.

I would suggest talking to your friend calmly about your concerns, and try not to worry about what you can't do. If she loves you she'll understand. But chances are she's not thinking about you at all. It's horrible that she said she already gave a count to the caterer. In that case, just send her a gift and be done with her.

Vex
08-18-2013, 12:22 PM
It boggles me why brides have weddings in places so far away from everyone and then expect everyone to just pay for everything to get there. It's pretty rude imo.

If you're going to have a wedding at a far away location, make it extremely small and offer to pay for each guests expenses. If you can't do that, don't have it so far away!

There's probably nothing else you can do at this point. I can understand why she may be upset since you're backing out and didn't say no at the beginning. She seems to be over blowing that though. All you can do is apologize and hope that eventually she understands....

BreathingSpace
08-18-2013, 03:58 PM
I don't really buy into the whole concept that, just because you're a bride, you have some excuse in treating people however you want because of your stress levels. Not all brides act like a lunatic while they're wedding planning, and I've always thought the whole bridezilla concept to be a little silly. I teach for a living, and there's an awful lot of stress and hours that goes into planning and managing a classroom every day. I don't think people should excuse my behavior, however, if I am a jerk to them because of that stress. If I lash out while I am stressed, that is a problem with me, and I have done something wrong and should apologize. It may be the reason I lashed out, but excuses are excuses. The same is for any other person who is experiencing stress.

So, with that, your friend was not being very kind to you in this aspect. It's very selfish to ask anyone to go without or have serious monetary consequences because of a party celebrating themselves. It's even more selfish to then lash out at the other person and tell them that they are a jealous liar. As others have said, I would give her the time now to perhaps put all of this in perspective, which may currently be skewed by the absolutely ridiculous wedding culture we have acquired. I would not, however, be kissing her a** to apologize at this point. You've already tried to do so much to be able to go to this wedding (not taking classes, not moving), and it is obvious that you are a good friend. She is the one not being a very good friend right now.

^This. Exactly. Wow, great response!

And I also second being against the concept of being excused of treating people like crap because you are "stressed". Being stressed is a REASON, not an excuse, and it's up to that person to grow up, be a good human, and apologize for being an a**hole due to their stress levels.

seabiscuit
08-18-2013, 04:46 PM
Hey Katzepatra-

:hug: I am sorry that you are going through all of this, clearly your heart is in the right place. Some people aren't that understanding, and that is upsetting. I couldn't make a family's wedding which was abroad because I was not medically healthy at the time and I felt guilty but I knew about the wedding after the fact. What I'm saying is that things come up and this is not a perfect, idyllic world that we live in. It is a shame that people can't be more understanding. I have been to a wedding where it was a a real pain in the neck to get to, I am glad that I could make it but I almost didn't because of the location.

You seem like a great, caring person. Don't let her get you all upset, it's not worth it. I hope you both can remain friends, time and circumstances will show true colors.

Take care!!!

Katzepatra
08-19-2013, 02:28 AM
I'm am surprised this generated so many responses! Thank you all so much! :grouphug:

The reason I posted was more about the etiquette for 2nd weddings. I personally don't care if she ends up married more then Elizabeth Taylor, I just don't want her to get mad if I can't afford to keep up with all of it. I felt the sting knowing I had dropped $500 only 5 years ago to be a bridesmaid in a local wedding and this was going to be double that cost since it was a destination wedding. I was hoping someone who has remarried would chime in on how they felt about this - the few people I know (friends of my parents) who are on 2nd or 3rd marriages went much more low key, some didn't tell anyone they just went on vacation and came back married!

I wasn't expecting her to have another formal wedding, in fact she was really against the idea of re-marrying after her divorce. Obviously those bad feelings change, she met a guy who was a lot more laid back, made her laugh and just let her take her hair down. She really does wind herself up - I would get worried if she stopped having too much on her plate. Her soon to be husband is really good for her in creating balance, something she had a rough time with her first husband, so I was taken aback that she thought I was somehow jealous or in anyway upset for her getting married. We do have a fairly frank way of speaking with each other, it just felt uncharacteristic for her to become extremely suspicious or accusatory. I've not gone though that wedding pressure so while I have watched the planning of a wedding, it wasn't mine. I wanted to chalk it up to be an over-reaction from stress, it just seemed extreme. I've never expressed any sort of jealousy because I like my life, even the hard times like this because I feel it forces me to be resourceful. I wonder if that's something she takes for granted; that I do figure out a lot of alternatives and move things in my life around to make something happen and she doesn't have to make those kinds of adjustments.

On a side note, I did want to mention that since I told her, I've lost 2 pounds. It could have been water weight but I did feel a huge relief. :D

And about my car, I have been taking it to a shop that had been doing my work on the side as I've been having electrical issues but they can't seem to find what exactly the issue is. I did my distributor as it was making engine light go off but I still have have trouble with weak starts and sometimes no starts. I took it elsewhere and they said the alternator is working just not correctly. I really don't want to just throw money at it but I can't afford for it to just stop working completely. :eek:

seabiscuit
08-19-2013, 07:55 AM
CONGRATULATIONS on losing 2 lbs! YAY!!

Good for you, that is awesome!!! :)


Good luck with your car, I hear ya about car repairs. I don't drive right now but when I used to drive, I was given my grandmothers' old cars and they were in the shop all the time, so frustrating and expensive.

Take care!!

SoMuchFattitude
08-19-2013, 08:50 AM
Yeah, the whole Bridezilla concept escapes me. When I got married I realized I'd put one of my friends in a really crappy spot and once she accepted being a Bridesmaid because she didn't have the money. I told her there were two options - I'd pay or she could bow out, absolutely no hard feelings and she'd still be invited to everything the bridal party did. She bowed out and still came to everything. And there were no hard feelings. My "big day" is not everyone else's "big day." I think that gets lost sometimes.

I am sure she doesn't care if it's her 1st, 2nd or 56th wedding - each time it'll be "the one."

If I were in your shoes, I'd email her and tell her you love her, it's nothing personal, you feel equally as lousy about it and are doing your absolute best. I've learned that sometimes emails work well with type A (I'm a type A) because it gives the person time to digest before responding. Additionally, it'll give you time to craft the exact words you are looking for without her interrupting, yelling, etc.

:hugs: it's a lousy situation regardless. <3

Wannabeskinny
08-19-2013, 09:45 AM
The reason I posted was more about the etiquette for 2nd weddings.

... I like my life, even the hard times like this because I feel it forces me to be resourceful. I wonder if that's something she takes for granted; that I do figure out a lot of alternatives and move things in my life around to make something happen and she doesn't have to make those kinds of adjustments.



I don't know, it's a tricky issue. Having a big old party for yourself is an awesome thing no matter how many times you get married. The tricky part is obliging others to participate financially. I can only speak for myself but if I were to get re-married I would invite people and make it a point on the invitation that we are not accepting any gifts. Still though, it is a financial committment even to attend a wedding, buying clothes, taking the day off from work, finding a babysitter, even getting my car through the carwash so I can arrive in style all add up but that's true for any party I'd attend.

Regarding her not understanding resourcefulness, it sounds a little judgy. That doesn't really matter.

ShyHeather
08-19-2013, 01:59 PM
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time, and a disagreement with a friend. It hurts, and hopefully she will get over it. It may take some time, but she needs to realize that as her friend, you would never abandon her unless the circumstances were no in your favor.

I'm getting married next year, and I know a lot of people won't be able to make it because I moved to the West Coast ( Friends and family are all on the East coast ). So it'll just be his family, my immediate family and his friends and extended family ( since they all live on the West Coast ) and trust me. I am saddened that financial burdens are going to keep my best friend of 18 years out of the wedding.

:hug: Hang in there, and if a month goes by and she is still 'upset' write a letter to her. Not an e-mail, but an actual letter. Bring up fun, past memories that will make you both smile. :)

helwa588
08-19-2013, 03:58 PM
Life is too short to worry about negative people. If she cannot understand your financial reasons for not showing up then that's her problem. Brides these days think the everyone is supposed to drop everything for them when they get married. Yes it is their day but it is not everyone's day.

ShyHeather
08-19-2013, 04:26 PM
Life is too short to worry about negative people. If she cannot understand your financial reasons for not showing up then that's her problem. Brides these days think the everyone is suppose to suppose drop everything for them when they get married. Yes it is their day but it is not everyone's day.

Exactly!

Although I know I would cry a bit if no one showed up o.o....

Sheridan
09-09-2013, 03:39 AM
Hi,

A relative had a destination wedding in Vegas. The prices were sky high so I did not attend. She wrote me a nasty letter and we have had no further contact.

I was asked to be in a wedding many years ago and declined because I could not afford it. This ended a good relationship.

If I had it to do over I would have explained that financially I could not attend and then I would ask if they would like to loan me the money.

This would put the ball in their court and take the pressure off of me.

I hope you do not lose this friend but if you do you are probably better off without her in your life.

Good luck.Sheridan

ILoveVegetables
09-09-2013, 04:18 AM
I'm pretty shocked at some of the behaviour that you guys have described regarding people ending friendships based solely on this, and even though I'm not related to any of you, reading this is annoying me. It's really out of line to be so selfish, and being a bride is no excuse for it.

The reason I find it so silly is because I've been in the same situation (not being able to attend a wedding because of financial reasons) and the person involved has been extremely gracious about it. In fact, one of my cousins is getting married in January, and I had to tell them I couldn't attend because I'm currently unemployed and really can't afford it, and they were totally understanding.

Like an earlier poster said, I think an email would be a good way of putting your point across. It'll give your friend time to chill out and think it over.

Please do excuse the tone in this post, I tend to get a little over-annoyed sometimes about things that have nothing to do with me :p