Weight Loss Support - My relationship may be at stake. Please help me!




mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 11:12 AM
After a long talk with my SO, we discussed the possibility that he may not be attracted to me, but that he loves me. That killed me to hear. Absolutely killed me. I know I need to lose weight. I have a fire under my *** right now, but I'm afraid even the possibility of losing him might not be enough to make me get my *** moving. I'm very depressed and trying out my first antidepressant, so even getting up on time is a pain in the butt for me, but I love him and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, including getting up for an early-morning work out.

I need help, though. I'm rubbish at making plans and sticking to them. I have unrealistic expectations. I go too hard, injure myself, and then lose motivation and stop. He may love me, but physical attraction is a big part of a relationship and how I am now just isn't going to work. Plus, I seriously need to lose weight for my own health.

I've made a million posts like this a million different times, but I NEED to do it this time. Please help me come up with a plan? I just need a push in the right direction...I'm too anxious and scatterbrained and used to losing weight unhealthily. I need someone to hold my hand but also kick me in the ***. I need a map. Please. I don't want to lose him.

I'm 23 years old, 4'9'', 175lb. I need to lose 40-50lb.


spryng
08-07-2013, 11:35 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this but I have to say if you lose weight for him you are setting yourself up to fail. What happens if the weight is just an excuse for him? What if there is another underlying reason he's not sharing with you so you kill yourself to get thin and that underlying issue is still there and he still leaves?? You need to think about that. What I would advise is find it in yourself to lose the weight for YOU, you'll feel better, you'll have more energy, you'll be happier but you and him should consider some counseling just to get to the bottom of the real issues so those can be addressed during your weightloss journey as well and you both end up at a good place in the end :)

As far as diet go, you need to find something that works for your lifestyle and food preferences etc. For some that is calorie counting, some need more accountability and try weight watchers or a weight loss clinic that gives you a personal coach. So definitely research all the plans out there and see what will fit into your life that you can sustain because even the biggest baddest diets out there won't work if you can't stick to them so find the one you can stick to, if it's quick weightloss, great! if its slow, that is ok too, as long as you are going in the right direction its a success :)

geoblewis
08-07-2013, 11:37 AM
Baby steps. The all-or-nothing never works; it's just a set-up for failure. You know that. You're young and don't have the life experience to know how resilient and strong you really are. All. On. Your. Own. Two. Feet.

So, the baby steps. First, write down everything you eat for a week. EVERYTHING. Then you'll know what you're eating and how much.

And if you're not exercising, find something physical you like to do. If you're already exercising, great! What are you doing and how long have you been doing it?

I'm not going to address anything with regards to your relationship with your SO. Been there, however. And I'm divorced. And I'm FREE! And happy!


astrophe
08-07-2013, 11:40 AM
If you are having a problem in emotional health and don't feel emotionally safe, what makes you think a physical health solution (weight loss in the body) will solve it? :?: This requires a heart solution, not a body one. :(

You are basically writing this:


After a long talk with my SO, we discussed the possibility that he may not be attracted to me, but that he loves me. That killed me to hear. I'm afraid even the possibility of losing him. I am anxious and scatterbrained.

You are fearful, hon. What's the FEAR about really? Could dig down in there.

"When my SO said he may not be attracted to me I felt afraid to lose him because then


I could be ________.
I could not be ________.


If you also want to get more fit on the side, that's fine. But you could be at your most athletic and fit and still fearful. Sooner or later have to deal with the emotional health layer. So could spend some time solving the emotional layer stuff FIRST. That could be more productive. Then you can do your fitness project in a calmer frame of mind.


Is it that you fear being alone?
Fear never finding another partner?
Fear a pending break up scene?
Fear something else?


What is it you need to be able to let go of the fear? Reassurance? Something else? (http://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory)

A.

mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 11:42 AM
I am so sorry you are going through this but I have to say if you lose weight for him you are setting yourself up to fail. What happens if the weight is just an excuse for him? What if there is another underlying reason he's not sharing with you so you kill yourself to get thin and that underlying issue is still there and he still leaves?? You need to think about that. What I would advise is find it in yourself to lose the weight for YOU, you'll feel better, you'll have more energy, you'll be happier but you and him should consider some counseling just to get to the bottom of the real issues so those can be addressed during your weightloss journey as well and you both end up at a good place in the end :)

As far as diet go, you need to find something that works for your lifestyle and food preferences etc. For some that is calorie counting, some need more accountability and try weight watchers or a weight loss clinic that gives you a personal coach. So definitely research all the plans out there and see what will fit into your life that you can sustain because even the biggest baddest diets out there won't work if you can't stick to them so find the one you can stick to, if it's quick weightloss, great! if its slow, that is ok too, as long as you are going in the right direction its a success :)

I appreciate what you said up above, but we know what the problem is. We're actually having trouble having sex because of my weight, and we think maybe he isn't losing attraction, but interest. We've tried many times but never managed to get it just right, as there is a weight and height difference.

There is a small possibility that losing weight won't help our situation, but it needs to get done, regardless. I love him and I believe he loves me. Besides the sex problem, we're great together. So I honestly believe losing some will help, if only a little.

On to the last part...

Any suggestions? Weight watchers makes 0 sense to me! I've tried calorie counting with success in the past before, but it just seems so HARD to eat 1400-1500 calories a day, you know? I was also considering some sort of meal replacement shake. Thoughts?

mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 11:47 AM
Baby steps. The all-or-nothing never works; it's just a set-up for failure. You know that. You're young and don't have the life experience to know how resilient and strong you really are. All. On. Your. Own. Two. Feet.

So, the baby steps. First, write down everything you eat for a week. EVERYTHING. Then you'll know what you're eating and how much.

And if you're not exercising, find something physical you like to do. If you're already exercising, great! What are you doing and how long have you been doing it?

I'm not going to address anything with regards to your relationship with your SO. Been there, however. And I'm divorced. And I'm FREE! And happy!

Honestly, I don't eat much...anymore. I'm a known binger. I have bad self control. While I don't eat a lot since we moved (we don't HAVE a lot for me TO eat), I do have a bad habit of running up to the store for a soda, or a candy bar (or two...or three...) while he's at work. I actually have a kitkat in the freezer at home waiting for me. It's going in the trash. I'm going to start buying real food and cooking REAL food instead of Hamburger Helper. I've gotten off all junk food and soda before, so I know I can do it again.

spryng
08-07-2013, 11:48 AM
For me I've gone through the gaunlet of diets over the last 15 years, if there is a name to it, I've done it lol I'm doing the IE (intuitive eating) plan now as I'm trying to get away from all those diets and the diet mentality that goes along with them and retrain my body to think like a thin healthy person :) it's working for me and I'm almost to goal. But before that I lost a ton of weight on very low calorie diets, I'd diet strict mon-fri then take the weekends off so it averaged 1-2 lbs a week but that fit into my lifestyle as I naturally like to induldge in more food on the weekends. So maybe disect how you like to eat and find a plan that will compliment that because like I said all those strict diets work but if you can't sustain them then it's useless for you, gotta find something you can stick with :)

astrophe
08-07-2013, 11:50 AM
People come in many shapes. They have various skills too. Lovemaking is a skill. There's many sex positions -- have you tried expanding that? Or are you just limiting yourselves to missionary?

It's an older book and quite cheap used with simple line drawings if you need ideas to pique interest.

Tao of Sex. (http://www.amazon.com/The-Tao-Sex-Howard-Levy/dp/0941255441/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1375890565&sr=8-1&keywords=tao+of+sex)

A.

spryng
08-07-2013, 11:52 AM
Honestly, I don't eat much...anymore. I'm a known binger. I have bad self control. While I don't eat a lot since we moved (we don't HAVE a lot for me TO eat), I do have a bad habit of running up to the store for a soda, or a candy bar (or two...or three...) while he's at work. I actually have a kitkat in the freezer at home waiting for me. It's going in the trash. I'm going to start buying real food and cooking REAL food instead of Hamburger Helper. I've gotten off all junk food and soda before, so I know I can do it again.

well I personally don't think there is anything wrong with a kitkat or hamburger helper lol I lost weight while still eating those types of things, what I did was lost the weight then as I went along I tweaked what I ate to get a bit healthier, but the all-or-nothing at the beginning is too hard. Its hard enough to just get smaller portions in so my advice is to KEEP eating the kit kat and the hamburger helper, get some weight off WITH the foods you enjoy then as you get thinner I think something changes in us, we start not only want to be thin but also to treat our bodies better so we start wanting to get some exercise in, we start wanting to get in some healthier food, but that will come, don't think you have to go home and clean out your pantry and kitchen, work with what you have on the budget you have, like I said, I did low calorie but I still had my snicker bars and my cake and my rice a roni lol Baby steps like someone said above, don't think you have to do the All or Nothing approach, tweak as you go along :)

mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 11:53 AM
@astrophe (Sorry it won't let me quote you)


We're BOTH fearful, because we have a near-perfect relationship. We don't fight, we get along, enjoy our time together, it's just the inability to have sex that is ruining things for us. I'm fearful because I click so well with this man, I've never had feelings like this before. He gets me on a level no one else does. He understands me, he appreciates me, he supports me and pushes me to better myself. I don't want to throw all that and nearly a year together away because of bad sex and attraction issues. I truly believe the tears and the fears he shared with me last night are real and not a cop out. He begged me not to leave him. I want to make this work.

mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 11:57 AM
@astrophe

We did the other night, and found something that DOES work for us. His legs cramp up, but it WORKED. The thing was, every time we tried, we tried the same ways. Which never worked. So he lost interest, because every time we couldn't, it just killed the mood for him. I was open to trying new things, but he just didn't seem to want to try anymore. But last night worked out pretty well. We BOTH enjoyed it, instead of things being one sided. So we both feel a little better. But the bottom line is with the way we are, the both of us, sex would probably be a lot easier if I lost some weight. And he was not/is not physically satisfied. It may not be an actual attraction issue at all, just not being physically satisfied.

But thanks for the link! I don't think I've seen that one yet.

astrophe
08-07-2013, 11:58 AM
If the problem is sex, what's the problem exactly? Not enough lube? Not enough friction? What is the goal? The expectations?

I'm glad you are mixing it up position wise.

What does this mean?

And he was not/is not physically satisfied. It may not be an actual attraction issue at all, just not being physically satisfied.

That he wants to orgasm each time? Or get YOU to orgasm? If so, what's that all about? Performance anxiety of some kind? Sharing sex is sharing sex. Orgasm is fun, and a nice thing, but one can enjoy and share sex without orgasm as a goal.

Again, if you want to lose weight and get fitter as a side project, that is fine. Certainly the physicality of sex sometimes requires some endurance and agility/flexibility.

But to me it sounds like your MAIN problem is lovemaking skills and emotional management -- dealing with the feelings surrounding sex. (frustrated, disappointment, lack of interest, etc)

You two are only being a year into the relationship. That's still learning each other, hon. So... could LEARN. :)


The thing was, every time we tried, we tried the same ways. Which never worked. So he lost interest, because every time we couldn't (penetrate? orgasm? what? ), it just killed the mood for him. I was open to trying new things, but he just didn't seem to want to try anymore.

You know you can share sex and then if he really wants to orgasm he could finish off masturbating to orgasm, right? So could you.

A.

patns
08-07-2013, 12:22 PM
Ok, aside from the sex difficulty, I've been there done that. I am 5'1" and it is tougher to lose and maintain for us shorties.

But here is the big point: if you are trying to lose for someone else, the anger is motivational very briefly but quickly turns to resentment.

When we are younger we want instant results, and when we don't lose as quickly as we like we get angry that it is not working as we planned and likely will direct that anger at the person who is "making" us do this.

I went many, many years angry and frustrated about my weight until I realized that the main part of my diet has to be chicken, fish, lean meat, tons of veggies and some fruit. At a young age you can get any with an occasional
treat, but it has to be planned

You have to figure out what works for you personally. You will live with you for the rest of your life. What someone else who doesn't live in your body thinks really doesn't matter because how our bodies operate in unique to each of us.

If the shoe was on the other foot would you say to your partner that you loved him but were not attracted to him? That is not helpful at all.

Time is on your side, work out a plan that works for you personally. The biggest thing is to up your protein and lower your empty carbs.

mymagicnumber
08-07-2013, 12:23 PM
If the problem is sex, what's the problem exactly? Not enough lube? Not enough friction? What is the goal? The expectations?


I'm glad you are mixing it up position wise.

What does this mean?



That he wants to orgasm each time? Or get YOU to orgasm? If so, what's that all about? Performance anxiety of some kind? Sharing sex is sharing sex. Orgasm is fun, and a nice thing, but one can enjoy and share sex without orgasm as a goal.

Again, if you want to lose weight and get fitter as a side project, that is fine. Certainly the physicality of sex sometimes requires some endurance and agility/flexibility.

But to me it sounds like your MAIN problem is lovemaking skills and only being a year into the relationship. That's still learning each other, hon. So... could LEARN. :)



You know you can share sex and then if he really wants to orgasm he could finish off masturbating to orgasm, right? So could you.

A.

I feel bad for talking about this, but we both talked the other night and realized this is our first relationship, and the farthest either of us has gone sexually before. We don't have any people to ask what's normal and what isn't.

The main problem is he hasn't been able to finish. He can finish if he's masturbating himself, sitting up, with no lube. At first we thought it was the new sensation of his penis being WET and that it would pass. It didn't. Then he admitted that after about 5-10 minutes of oral, he goes numb. Vaginal he says he can't feel anything at all. I get very very wet, so that could be a possibility why. After almost a year, that's another reason we thought he may be losing attraction to me/maybe he never was attracted to me.


The other problem we have is with penetration. We could never find a position that was right. I'm too small to be on top. He's too barrel chested and my knees couldn't even reach the bed. His legs cramp up in positions where he's on top, but it looks like that's our only option for right now. The goal...I don't know. Expectations...same. Lube is fine.

We tried not making orgasm the goal in the beginning for the first few months (he did say he's NEVER been able to orgasm with a woman), but nothing got better. He would sometimes get me off, but I could never get him off. And I've been down there close to 40 minutes before. We also just moved in together and honestly with his job, he hasn't had much alone time. I think I messed with his brain a little...I was on an anti anxiety medicine that made me crazy. I saw he was looking at porn, which I have no problem with. *I* look at porn. But that medicine made me take it completely out of context. I cried and it made him feel terrible. Now he says he doesn't WANT to look at those pictures, he wants to be intimate with me, and that he only was looking because our sex life was so bad and he wasn't physically satisfied.

I feel so horrible for possibly ruining porn for him. I didn't mean to. But that medicine made me think and feel and say things...

I know men use that line of needing to orgasm a lot, but this guy deserves a freaking award. He treats me right, he shows me affection, he hasn't given me any reason to believe he's cheating or ever would. All he wants is to enjoy sex with me and orgasm once in a while.

After our talk, we decided we need to explore a bit more. I've brought up the idea of him masturbating to finish before, but I think now he may be a little more open to it, after our mini success the other night.

kaplods
08-07-2013, 01:15 PM
Big Big Love by Hanne Blank

Awesome book. I haven't read the revised edition, Big Big Love, Revised: A Sex and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them).

I bought this book before I met my husband. It helped me gain the confidence to write an awesome personal and meet several men, including the man who would become my husband.

Without the book, our sex life could have been more complicated, maybe even nonexistent because we both weighed nearly 400 lbs when we met.

If we could make it work, any couple with a combined weight of less than 800 lbs probably can as well.

There are several other books (even those written hundreds of years ago) which give helpful suggestions for couples who happen to be mismatched in size.

Now, as for losing weight, you have some insight into your problem, but realize you do not have to make the same mistakes you've made in the past.

First and foremost, you do not have to have unrealistic expectations. You do not have to have any expectations whatsoever.

This is hard to learn, because we're taught to have expectations that are IMPOSSIBLE
To achieve, so of course the failure rate for weight loss isn't much better than for people trying to fly without equipment.

For me, it took taking failure off the table. I stopped tacking the failure label onto anything I did. Instead I focused on "learning opportunities." I refused to see myself as hopeless, helpless or bad.

I decided to weigh daily or even more often, but changed my focus from weight loss to "not gaining." If I did lose, "super bonus," and if I did gain, I IMMEDIATELY vowed to gain no more (and I'd weigh myself again in 5 minutes to give myself a chance to celebrate "not gaining." If I ate off plan, I'd also IMMEDIATELY weigh.

It sounds incredibly foolish, I know. It contradicts everything we've been taught about weight loss. But here's the thing - most of what we've been taught about weight loss, especially how to feel and react to weight gain - just doesn't work for most of us. As a result we have to find a new, different, revolutionary, and perhaps even sacrilegious path.

For me, the mindset I chose was to never, ever allow myself to feel bad for eating anything (even if it was bad for me) and to never, ever allow myself to fell that "not losing" was anything but "successfully not gaining." This prevented "Well, I've blown it for today, I might as well eat everything in sight and start fresh tomorrow."

I told myself, "There is no starting over, just moving on."

I also tended to use all-or-nothing logic, so I decided to diet "backwards." Instead of focusing every ounce of energy until I eventually "burned myself out" and quit when effort exceeded the value of weight loss; I decided to only make only changes that I was willing to make indefinitely even if no weight loss resulted. I chose changes that I knew had benefits aside from weight loss, so I chose changes that would mprove my health, strength, endurance, and energy - or even simply my confidence in my ability to make permanent changes.

I focused on "pampering myself" rather than trying to "punish myself thin."

Instead of seeing "diet food" as punishment, I literally didn't envision myself as owner, chef, personal trainer, recreation director and client of a prestigious health spa.

My "health spa for one" has been quite successful (and it would be even more successful, if I didn't keep forgetting to stay focused in using this visualization).

It's really, really, really hard to "rebel" against the more common and more acceptable punishment mentality. I keep falling into it's trap, but I also keep crawling out of the trap, laughing WITH myself for falling into the same traps over and over.

Keeping positive and cheerful, and having a good life while dieting is an incredible challenge, but it is so worth it. If you can make the experience enjoyable, there is NEVER a reason to quit or postpone change.

It helps to realize that maintaining even one pound of weight loss, or even "not gaining" is an achievement many, perhaps even most "dieters" never accomplish, so just "not gaining" is awesome success not dismal failure at losing.

Celebrate that mad success.

For me, one of my first spa games was wearing a pedometer clipped to my shoe (so I didn't end up throwing it in the wash with my pants) and trying to break the previous days step count, if only by a few steps.

Another was viewing grocery shopping as an adventure , an opportunity to find exotic, luxurious foods that also happened to be healthy. Fruit was an obvious early choice.

I did have some terribly disappointing experiences, but they were like stories you tell when you come back from a luxury vacation. The bad experiences - getting lost, stepping on coral, getting sunburn or sand in your butt crack - they're still exciting because you tried something you'd never done before and are memories you can enjoy forever...

... like the time I payed $8 for a single dragonfruit. The price and physical beauty of the fuchsia and green (almost, but not quite Christmas colors - at least to my mildly color-blind eyes) drove up my expectations, only to be dissapointed by the bland flavor.

It wasn't terrible, but even that was a disappointment (there'd be no horror stories to use in the future to entertain myself or others). It was juicy and sweet with a sort of "peach with kiwi seeds" texture, but there was no flavor except sweet. It was like sugar water.

$7 and I would have gotten more flavor from an underripe peach.

Well, I guess it is a pretty entertaining stort, after all! I haven't quite gotten my money's worth out of the story yet, so be prepared to see it in a few more threads on this site in the future.

You only live once, and weight management is a life-long process, so learn to enjoy it. Take the slow, scenic route if you find that less stressful than the action-packed adventure. If you like intensity and adventure of conquering intense challenges, then do that, but (to my way of thinking) if you don't enjoy most of it, you're doing it wrong.

pnkrckpixikat
08-07-2013, 01:43 PM
Honestly, sex in a relationship is only as important as you make it to be.

Sex is fun, it feels good, and helps you feel closer. But it is not the only method of intimacy.

My DH and I have been together for 4 years, about 6 months in we had the same conversation that you and your bf did. I was around 300lbs at the time and I had to DRAG the information out of him. It took me days to get him to admit it because he did truly love me and did not want to hurt me. After the conversation something clicked inside of me. It was like I had always looked for a man that loved me IN SPITE OF the weight but didn't prefer it. Since then I have worked at losing weight FOR MYSELF. It has had its good and bad times but I am not giving up.

Our sex life is difficult between height and weight as well, he is 3 inches shorter and also heavy so bellys get in the way and positions are awkward etc. so honestly it can be awhile (sometimes a VERY LONG WHILE) between times. We cuddle alot and talk about nothing and everything, and share our secrets and fears.

In the beginning I worried, like you, that sex was the be all end all and if we didn't figure it out we were doomed. But we aren't, we love each other and EVERYTHING else is so good that sex isn't that big of an issue. Sure I'd love for us to wake up and suddenly be the couple doing it all the time everywhere. But I'd rather have him then sex all the time from someone else.

So we just keep doing what we are doing, losing weight for our health, and if eventually sex gets easier, then maybe our sex life will get better. in the meantime I will enjoy our life together as it is (and maybe check out that book kaplods mentioned! :) )

For your specific situation, maybe look into other options, like you giving him a hand job etc. sexual acts does not limit you to only penetration. you can keep each other happy without it if need be. Just experiment and have fun, stress will only make it seem like a chore.

astrophe
08-07-2013, 11:02 PM
I feel bad for talking about this, but we both talked the other night and realized this is our first relationship, and the farthest either of us has gone sexually before. We don't have any people to ask what's normal and what isn't.

There's no need to feel bad about talking about sex. You may be new, but you will outgrow "newbie"-ness. We all do.

ASK people you can trust and get sensible books and resources. Order "Our Whole Lives" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Our_Whole_Lives) for adult level for yourselves or similar books. Make a bookstore date or online shopping date. Get educated.

If it makes you feel any better, it was at least a year before DH could bring me to orgasm. Now he just knows me and my pleasure things -- and we're 20 years in enjoy a healthy sex life.

RELAX. Stop expecting to be "instant experts" at lovemaking with each other. Even later in life -- there's always something new to learn.

You are still very new to each other AND new to sex by the sound of it. Even if you were not new to sex, just the being new to EACH OTHER? That could make it so it takes a while to learn how to make love WITH THIS PARTNER. Everyone likes different things.

The main problem is he hasn't been able to finish. He can finish if he's masturbating himself, sitting up, with no lube.

Cool. Prob solved enough for now then. Have him show off masturbating to orgasm for you. Or teach you how he likes it and you masturbate him. Enjoy each other.

The other problem we have is with penetration. We could never find a position that was right.

Cross your legs if you are on the bottom to help tighten up. Face up or face down. Blot with a towel if you are too wet. Side by side spooning? Doggie style on hands and knees? You lay down the bed and he stands at the edge of the bed with your feet on his shoulders? Standing up with one leg on a chair. Experiment. Figure out what works for you both.

New lovers go through this "learning each other" time -- it is normal.

I feel so horrible for possibly ruining porn for him. I didn't mean to. But that medicine made me think and feel and say things...


Again -- you guys could work on your emotional management. Could not make it more than what it needs to be. Tell him you were stressy with the meds and the sex pressure you were both putting on yourselves. If you both enjoy porn, go with it. See what happens.


After our talk, we decided we need to explore a bit more. I've brought up the idea of him masturbating to finish before, but I think now he may be a little more open to it, after our mini success the other night.

Good. How about sex shared that way? Parallel masturbation (watch each other) or mutual masturbation? (give each other a hand).

"Sex" just isn't only about "penis in vagina" type sex or oral sex. Don't limit yourselves and your pleasure with each other like that. RELAX and have fun learning each other. Play.

When I was in the "learning each other" window with DH when he used to be BF -- I remember I told him "Look, we're learning each other. Don't be afraid to suggest things. If it sounds good, we can try it. If we don't like it? We stop. We do like it? We could do it again. Simple."

I hope things improve for you and you can come to feel emotionally safe when you learn to communicate more and get more confident about talking "straight up sex" with each other rather than shy/fearful/whatever.

You will be ok.

A.

kaplods
08-07-2013, 11:42 PM
No way to say this anyway but graphically, but a semi-missionary position can help. You on your back on the bed and him facing you standing or kneeling with your ankles on his shoulders. You may needle pillows under your back or butt, and you may have to do some scooching and leaning to make it all work out.

The great part is that your weight can be shared by you both depending on how much he leans in. He can bear your lower body weight if he's upright, or he can transfer some or most of the weight to you.

With hubby and I both having health, pain, and mobility issues, there can be a lot of obstacles. There's a good chance that when one of us is in the mood, the other may not be, and might not even be up to much. Only patience, creativity, uninhibited honesty, and humor prevent us from giving up entirely sometimes.

You may find that you don't have the energy for mutual orgasms in a single session. It seems kind of weird at first, but a "taking turns" approach can be more effective, and just as fun and sexy. And if props or toys help, whatever works.

You may even consider "fat porn," I have mixed feelings about porn, but I have to admit buying a couple tapes when I first started dating as a very obese, very naive young woman. (They were on vhs to give you an idea how long ago this was).

I can't say I enjoyed the films, but I was reassured that sex would be possible with anyone I dated who came anywhere within 2 feet of my height and 250 lbs of my weight. Sometimes a picture really is worth a 1000 words.

Underwater
08-08-2013, 12:30 AM
I was my husband's first intercourse partner and it took a lot time before he could orgasm with penetration. The fact that he (and likely your boyfriend) get all anxious about it once it doesn't happen the first few times certainly doesn't help.

What changed? Nothing really. We played around and I was able get him off with oral. He started relaxing and eventually it happened.

The fact that your BF can't come via oral tells me this is not a weight problem. You guys can work through this together- keep trying!

Lolo70
08-08-2013, 02:38 PM
One thing that may be of interest is massage. It is easy to learn the basic techniques, it relaxes and it let's one get comfortable with another person's body.

As to something both men and women may like to watch: Manuel Ferrara.

Sheridan
08-09-2013, 08:31 PM
HI,

If all else fails maybe try a professional sex therapist. Sometimes problems with sex have their roots in other issues that are unrelated. Just a thought.Please do not take on all the responsibility for this problem on yourself.You did mention ,I believe that he had this same difficulty with others so perhaps your weight is not a factor at all or a very small factor.

I hope he is truly worth all your admiration for him. Personally, I would want someone who was in love with me at any weight and would not settle for anything less. I am solid with my self esteem and hope you are also. There are many great loving men out there. If he is one,good. If not,move on.

All the best!

Sheridan

QuilterInVA
08-11-2013, 10:57 AM
There is plenty wrong with things like prepackaged foods and junk. If you want to get your eyes opened, read "Fat, Sugar and Salt - How the Food Manufactures Addicted America" and you'll put them in the trash where they belong and eat real food from the perimeter of the grocery store that actually nourishes your body and keeps you healthy.

scood
08-11-2013, 07:38 PM
:cheer::yay::cheer3:Mymagicnumber

When I was young, I was married when I was 21. I was very big. My husband never wanted to get married but I pushed forward with it all. We never saw one another, he made up this job to explain why he was never home, he was seeing another women, I found her coat in our car.

I was devastated and we split up, I was suicidal. I put it down to my weight. I saw this white outfit in a shop window. And I thought right Im going to lose weight and get him back, and Im going to wear that outfit and I achieved that goal.

I lost heaps of weight and he wanted to come back, but what I realised in that time of loosing, I liked me and I didn't need his insults and making me feel fat and worthless, I loved the compliments people gave me. I didn't need him after all, I did it myself, I kicked him to the curb.

You don't need anyone in your life that does not have a positive effect on you

You can do the for you not him

Scood

Creativian
08-11-2013, 07:56 PM
Any suggestions? Weight watchers makes 0 sense to me! I've tried calorie counting with success in the past before, but it just seems so HARD to eat 1400-1500 calories a day, you know? I was also considering some sort of meal replacement shake. Thoughts?

Calorie counting must take so much math, and what about maintenance? Who wants to spend their life counting calories? Anyway, that's what hunger is for. Your body knows how much food it needs (usually) better than any chart or diet author. As for meal replacement shakes, I know people they've worked for, but to me, a shake is not a meal. It's not real food. I'd be wary of anything that involves fake food.

The most fattening foods in the world are the refined carbs: white bread, white pasta, sugar, etc. So the first thing to do is eliminate those. If that doesn't work, you might have to go further and decrease or eliminate grains altogether. Am I advocating a low-carb diet? In a word, yep. But you don't have to go to extremes (cutting out fruit, measuring veggies, etc.) unless nothing else works.

But I agree with Spryng that you need to do this for yourself. Your man may have his own sexual problems that he doesn't want to face, and find it convenient to blame your weight.

Wannabeskinny
08-11-2013, 09:07 PM
He can't get off because you're too short? Or because you weigh too much? Or because you're too wet? Or because you ruined porn for him? All of these are excuses! This has nothing to do with you my dear, he's grasping at straws. Size and shape can all be conquered on the quest to love making. He has some issues of his own, all if which are common and understandable, but you are just taking all the blame for everything and even worse, he's letting you! Undoubtedly he's letting you take the blame to save his precious male ego but there's no excuse for that.

I know this is a lot different than what the others tell you buy if I were you I'd run like the wind. There is no way I'd let some guy who was having sexual problems blame it on me! Sexual problems are nothing to be ashamed of but it is inexcusable to blame it on how the woman looks or how tall she is. You're young, there's time for settling down to a sexually stale relationship much later. Go enjoy yourself now!

freelancemomma
08-11-2013, 11:07 PM
(he did say he's NEVER been able to orgasm with a woman)

If that's the case, then it sounds like he has attraction problems with all women, which of course makes me wonder whether he might be gay -- or have a specific fetish he requires to get turned on. I could be way off base, but I thought I'd share my gut reaction. Attraction and excitement are what get people hard/wet, which makes orgasm a whole lot easier, regardless of height, weight or mechanics. Without attraction or excitement, the mechanics of orgasm require a whole lot more effort. That's been my experience, at any rate.

F.

LadyWraith
08-12-2013, 03:38 PM
If that's the case, then it sounds like he has attraction problems with all women, which of course makes me wonder whether he might be gay -- or have a specific fetish he requires to get turned on. I could be way off base, but I thought I'd share my gut reaction. Attraction and excitement are what get people hard/wet, which makes orgasm a whole lot easier, regardless of height, weight or mechanics. Without attraction or excitement, the mechanics of orgasm require a whole lot more effort. That's been my experience, at any rate.

F.

This. I was with a man several years ago that was into kinkier things than what I was used to and we had the same issues with him getting his. He had apparently had the same issue with other women but once he confessed to what he really wanted and we tried it, sex greatly improved for both of us. It gave him confidence and me peace of mind.

dstalksalot
08-12-2013, 06:26 PM
I am wondering if porn is not the problem here. Like the few posts above me have mentioned, sometimes people get addicted to certain fetishes or ways of doing things and normal every day sex is not satisfying. I really don't think this is a problem with you.

ShyHeather
08-12-2013, 07:11 PM
I'm sorry that you feel as though this is an issue caused by your weight. Its not. From all that I have read, it sounds as though he has an issue, and he has mentally blocked himself from reaching orgasm while inside a woman.

This is something he needs to address, and you can be there for him. He has to overcome that or both parties will be miserable.

As for losing weight, this should be what you want, and for YOU, and YOU alone!

First, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are beautiful, and worth every drop of sweat you are going expel on your journal to a healthier, happier YOU. :hug:

kelijpa
08-12-2013, 08:55 PM
Just reading ShyHeather's post reminded me of a guy who had problems because of being very religious and being conflicted about some things that he'd been brought up to believe were a sin outside of marriage. He enjoyed some things but couldn't get truly intimate with a woman because of that.

Best of luck to you, I came back to reread one of Kaplods posts, and found it wonderful how many are trying to help you.

:sunny:

novangel
08-12-2013, 09:22 PM
Attraction and excitement are what get people hard/wet, which makes orgasm a whole lot easier, regardless of height, weight or mechanics. Without attraction or excitement, the mechanics of orgasm require a whole lot more effort. That's been my experience, at any rate.

F.

This is so true.

shcirerf
08-12-2013, 11:25 PM
While sexual intimacy is a part of long term relationships, it is not the end all, be all, of a quality long term relationship.

After 36 years of marriage, intimacy, used to be great, and fun! Now, I get cramps, he gets cramps, he has heart issues and thing don't always work like they used to. ;);)

It's ok, because you see after all these years, even though some days, I'd like to put a big ole knot on the back of his head because he is a drama king, I can't see myself in my old age, hanging on the porch in the morning with coffee, watching the sun come up, with anyone else.:D

On another note, it might not be you. Men also suffer from health issues, that can be medically addressed. He might have low testosterone, or maybe a prostrate issue. Maybe a long term low grade UTI? Who knows. Has he been checked out?

Men, are terrible about going to the doc, and admitting they have a problem.

Don't take on the responsibility for this all on your own. Your SO, has to be an equal part in this.

As far as the weight, do it for yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy.:carrot:

rubidoux
08-12-2013, 11:56 PM
This problem is not about your weight and you losing weight will not solve it.

Plus, I looked up your bmi and it is a fair amount lower than my highest... and I can tell you that's it's perfectly possible to have good sex at that bmi. And my dh is over a foot taller than me.

I think it's great if you want to lose weight for yourself, but please don't think that you are inadequate or so misshapen that you aren't even capable of a physical relationship. That is absolutely not true.

FatSass
08-13-2013, 04:15 AM
He can't get off because you're too short? Or because you weigh too much? Or because you're too wet? Or because you ruined porn for him? All of these are excuses! This has nothing to do with you my dear, he's grasping at straws. Size and shape can all be conquered on the quest to love making. He has some issues of his own, all if which are common and understandable, but you are just taking all the blame for everything and even worse, he's letting you! Undoubtedly he's letting you take the blame to save his precious male ego but there's no excuse for that.

I know this is a lot different than what the others tell you buy if I were you I'd run like the wind. There is no way I'd let some guy who was having sexual problems blame it on me! Sexual problems are nothing to be ashamed of but it is inexcusable to blame it on how the woman looks or how tall she is. You're young, there's time for settling down to a sexually stale relationship much later. Go enjoy yourself now!

I second pretty much every word of this.

QuilterInVA
08-14-2013, 11:09 AM
If our bodies knew how much food we need, we wouldn't be overweight in the first place. At least in the beginning it is necessary to get a handle on how much we are eating by keeping track of calories and weighing and measuring portions and journaling. It takes me 5 minutes a day to journal. I'm worth it.

Sasha29
08-15-2013, 12:29 AM
If he is going numb during oral sex and isn't feeling much (or anything) during vaginal sex, then it's possible he has a medical condition. Frequent, aggressive masturbation without lubricants can damage the nerve endings in the penis and cause a loss of sensitivity. Diabetes and heart conditions also can contribute to a loss of sensitivity. He really should see a doctor for an evaluation.

Don't look at this as "your" problem (your weight, your anxiety, your reaction to porn.). If you truly are a committed couple in a "near-perfect" relationship, then you need to realize that the problem belongs to both of you, and you need to tackle it together. It is not you or how you reacted or how much you weigh. Please don't buy into that.

KillerBee
08-15-2013, 05:15 AM
I can pretty much agree with what lots of other people have been telling you here. Even if its hard, you would not be losing weight for the right reasons, and you would likely be setting yourself up for even more disappointment in time. If he having trouble now because he isn't attracted to you for the right reasons, that is not likely to change in the future. If he can't accept you now, then he is not worth your time. I know someone who over the past 6 months dropped like 40 lbs. She did it for many reasons, her health, confidence, and to give her bf a nice surprise when he came back from the service. Something like that would be the right reasons to lose weight. You need to be with a guy who will love you equally no matter what state you're in. If you only take one thing from what everyone has said, lose the weight for YOURSELF above anyone else! You can do it! :carrot:

Wannabehealthy
08-15-2013, 08:38 AM
I think shcirerf hit the nail on the head! His first plan of attack should be to see is doctor and have some tests done to see if there's something medically wrong. He said he also had problems ejaculating with other women. It's not you!

I have another question. In one post you said that this is the farthest either of you have gone with sex, but also said he could not orgasm with other women. So he has had some type of sex with other women but it was not satisfying? There's also the porn to consider. If he has been into porn for a while and depending on it for sexual satisfaction, it may be the roadblock in him having a satisfying sexual relationship with a woman. There is a lot going on here, but it's not you!

Your weight loss is a completely separate issue. You say you don't feel satisfied with 1400-1500 calories. That could be because you are eating mostly calorie dense foods. If you were eating a healthy diet which would include lots of fresh fruits and vegetables you would be getting a lot more bang for your buck! Start by replacing one bad snack a day with a piece of fruit. Have a salad or cup of soup before dinner. It may help you fill up faster. Once you see you can eat more food for the same amount of calories you will want to make it a lifestyle change. If you are eating too many processed foods your body is craving more because it's not getting the nutrients it needs. I know this is the same old story you hear, and if I practiced what I preach I would not weigh 200 lbs. But it is what is going to help you lose weight and also feel better.

Exercise? For the most part, nobody WANTS to exercise. I hate it. But I push myself to do it, and after I get started I want to do more. It makes me feel so much better afterwards! Start with 15 minutes a day, then add 5 more minutes. If you increase gradually, you will be doing 30 minutes or more before you realize it. Even if it doesn't give you a loss in pounds, it will improve your self esteem.....you will feel so much better about yourself and may not want those unhealthy processed foods.

I'm sorry if I sound preachy. By saying all these things to you, I am also convincing myself that it's what will work for me, too.

Creativian
08-16-2013, 08:32 AM
If our bodies knew how much food we need, we wouldn't be overweight in the first place.

I think your body knows if it's not being thrown off in some way. For example, refined carbohydrates make your insulin levels go wonky and initiate cravings. Or in a lot of cases people have learned to ignore what their bodies are trying to tell them. There are no rewards in our society for paying attention to your feelings. But if you can get past what's in the way and listen to your body's subtle signals, it will tell you when it's had enough. Usually. I heard of a man who was in an accident that knocked out the part of his brain that controlled satiation. He was constantly desperately hungry and ate himself to death, poor fellow. I don't know what can be done for someone like that.

Sheridan
08-16-2013, 09:36 AM
Dear Mymagicnumber,
I hope you can tell from the number of responses that we all care about you and hope you are in a better place .

Please update us . We all want what is best for you and hope that you have accepted the fact that the issues involved are not related to anything being wrong with you.

I would suggest that you let him read these posts.

Sheridan

JohnP
08-16-2013, 10:02 AM
If he is going numb during oral sex and isn't feeling much (or anything) during vaginal sex, then it's possible he has a medical condition. Frequent, aggressive masturbation without lubricants can damage the nerve endings in the penis and cause a loss of sensitivity. Diabetes and heart conditions also can contribute to a loss of sensitivity. He really should see a doctor for an evaluation.

This was my first thought reading the thread. Aside from a medical issue which certainly seems possible a fairly common problem is guys using a "death grip" and then nothing else but their own hand can get them off.

I don't really know the solution but the first step is to stop masturbating with a death grip and probably stop masturbating all together.

ranada7
08-28-2013, 11:03 AM
I understand your situation and all I can say is that you have to lose weight for you. My husband used to have the same mentality but an overseas job where we don't see each other but twice a year has changed his attitude. However, I have chosen that I don't want to be fat and out of shape anymore, which is the decision you need to make for you. When you start spending more time at the gym and less time with your SO he may become needy of more time with you and sabotaging your goals. STICK TO YOUR GUNS !! AND GET TO THAT GYM!! working out helps me eat right. Its hard to lift weights, exercise and be sore and consciously put poison(fast food, sugar, junk) into your body. And who knows as you get to a slimmer more fit, and more confident you, you may find your not so attracted to him anymore. You can only live for you! While I am making my journey to fitness, I use him as a motivating factor, but I have not forgot those hurtful words.

NJChick78
08-29-2013, 09:57 AM
Idk exactly what you need or what you want but, ......... sorry to sound crass but have you tried "doggy style" and doing kegels while he is penetrating you? It's worth a shot.