100 lb. Club - Boyfriend called me fat




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mssngheart
08-02-2013, 12:14 AM
I have been dating him for ten years and just recently he said that i was "exaggeratedly" fat and that i needed to lose weight. I felt like crying because we were being intimate at the time and it was just terrible. Has anybody else been told this? i mean he knows that I have been actively trying to lose weight for months and he says this. Please just help me feel like something other than a bag of fat :cry:


CanadianCutie
08-02-2013, 12:38 AM
You do not deserve this. You deserve to be treated with respect.

famograham
08-02-2013, 12:46 AM
I'm so sorry.
Yes it happened to me about a decade ago. It really broke me because up until that time I thought he found me beautiful no matter what! We have struggled with many issues since then. It has never really gone away...it's always in the back of my mind.

I truly understand!
:hug:
Linda


Mozzy
08-02-2013, 12:48 AM
Kick him to the curb!

That is totally disrespectful and inappropriate

punkrocksong
08-02-2013, 08:09 AM
I'm with Mozzy!!! But I know it's not really that easy.

My thinking is just that if he really loved and respected you he would have never said that even if he thought it. I've been with my husband for over 13 years and even though I gained 100 lbs. in that time span he never once said anything - even when I complained about how fat I was. The only thing he said was if I really was that unhappy I was the only person who could do anything about it but he would love and support me no matter what.

wannaskipandlaugh
08-02-2013, 08:12 AM
I can see (tho still not helpful) in a casual conversation ... but during INTIMACIES? REALLY?? What was he thinking!!! GRRRRRRR Does he think you would turn around and do Aerobatics/gymnastics because you wanted to lose an ounce for him? He did not have good timing at all.... I think you both need a conversation as you have been together 10 years and he really does need to know how to say things to you that won't stick in the mind forever, and can be said in a much less hurtful way (especially when you are vulnerable)... GRRRRRR Sorry... My 2 cents...

I think things like this have happened to alot of us.. .My boyfriend stopped wanted sex (But I could do whatever to him yeah?! NO!!!) when I had gained weight. Never could talk to me about it (he wasn't slim either = trust me and had a major drinking problem and I never not wanted to be with him) I just hope that you 2 can talk to each other and have a good conversation!... YOU are TOOOOOOO important! You are losing weight for yourself and your well being! YOU are IMPORTANT!!!

I am so sorry.. as this brought up a hurtful memory of mine too.. :(

HUGS to you!!! and talk :)

pnkrckpixikat
08-02-2013, 10:35 AM
HUGS It was totally uncalled of him to say that, ESPECIALLY during sex. At the very least I would recommend discussing it with him, sometimes guys can be completely boneheaded.

But I would also recommend thinking long and hard about your relationship - is this a random one off where he said something idiotic-ly hurtful without thinking, or does he treat you disrespectfully etc on a more regular basis. If it is the first, well guys can be idiots and he likely feels like sh*t; if it seems to be the second, well than you deserve better!

ETA: Honestly, he likely didn't mean it to come out as it sounded. my DH and I don't have the greatest sex life because we are both pretty heavy, tummys get in the way etc. (i know tmi I'm sorry) we still love each other and don't care what we look like, but we are both working on losing weight. It is for our health but we also both look forward to the day that we can try more positions etc and not have our bellies in the way.

He may have been thinking along the lines of looking forward to when you are smaller and things may be easier. whichever way he never should have said it no matter how it made sense in his head

Song of Surly
08-02-2013, 10:59 AM
he said that i was "exaggeratedly" fat and that i needed to lose weight. :

Did you tell him that if he doesn't like your "exaggeratedly" fat body, then he can stop receiving any pleasure from the workings of it? What an a**. :dz:

I have a hard time believing anyone is idiotic enough to think using the words "exaggeratedly" and "fat" together in the same sentence when describing some one in an intimate setting would in any way, shape or form not hurt their feelings.

If he really is that ignorant (and not mean), and this is not a common thing in your relationship, you need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about his obvious inability to think about your feelings. If he was trying to kindly discuss how sex is more difficult because of weight (which I attest to - it is), then you need to talk to him about proper ways to communicate with you.

If this is his modus operandi, and he's a jerk, you need to kick this man to the curve.

Song of Surly
08-02-2013, 11:10 AM
Please just help me feel like something other than a bag of fat :cry:

Also, this.

Do not let anyone's words reduce what you are to something so common and inhuman. What he said had no bearing on what or who you are. It truly only said something about him.

You want to lose weight. I hope it is for health, and not because you feel like a "bag of fat." We all feel unhappiness about our bodies, yes, but you can't hate yourself thin. Or, if you can, I can't imagine that it's healthy.

IanG
08-02-2013, 11:40 AM
I'd smack him in the face.

My wife called me a whale once in the heat of an argument.

Another time a big, fat pig.

But never when we were being nice to each other.

Smack him!

Jacqui_D
08-02-2013, 11:52 AM
That was so very thoughtless of him. And knowing you've been working on losing weight, he said you need to lose weight? You've lost 10 lbs! Losing weight is exactly what you've been doing, so what's was his point in even saying that? It was in no way supportive! It was just hurtful. I don't know if he was purposely trying to hurt you, but it was a dumb, inconsiderate thing to say. Please don't let it sideline your good efforts. Keep going with your weight loss plan. Do it for you, not for him. :hug:

nitrus29
08-02-2013, 12:25 PM
I'm sorry you had to hear that from your bf of 10 years!! I heard the same thing from my bf of 8 yrs and that's the reason we broke up. He was not able to accept me at my worst and I did not want to change myself because my ego took over.

You are already making an effort to lose weight, you need encouragement, not harsh words like those. :hug:

If anything I've learnt from my last relationship, do it because you want to feel good, not to get HIS approval.. and like most of the folks here said, Smack him!!

Shrinkmeplease
08-02-2013, 12:33 PM
That is terrible! I'm so sorry he said that to you. I think during intimacy women are at their most vulnerable (let's face it, not every position is the most flattering!) I think you need to talk to him for sure, otherwise every time you Guys want to get close, that's all you'll be thinking about! Hope it all works out for you!

NJChick78
08-02-2013, 12:36 PM
Don't tolerate that! Tell him insults about you body are not acceptable. If he does it again always blame it on his penis. "I get so depressed that your penis doesn't get me off that I eat." Or "I eat to block my mind from thinking how small your penis is." I bet he won't make anymore fat comments.

nitrus29
08-02-2013, 12:38 PM
Don't tolerate that! Tell him insults about you body are not acceptable. If he does it again always blame it on his penis. "I get so depressed that your penis doesn't get me off that I eat." Or "I eat to block my mind from thinking how small your penis is." I bet he won't make anymore fat comments.

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

gma22
08-02-2013, 12:43 PM
I do not post on this thread, but I saw your thread lead in and first off, honey love yourself before all others.

I am an old lady who has been morbidly obese for probably 30 years. I have been married to the same scrumptious man for almost 41 years. He calls me gorgeous, beautiful tells me he loves my body, etc. I have had two colon and one hernia surgeries, gall bladder surgery and an ostomy scar. My body looks like I was run over with a lawnmower but durn it, I am still beautiful. What my husband gives me is RESPECT. I don't care if you have been with this man 1 month or 50 years, stand up for yourself, give him a piece of your mind, tell him it is not acceptable to be spoken to that way, give him an option to love and respect you or kick his behind to the curb, period. You do not need a man who disrespects you. Frankly sweety, your body is yours and not his and he has no right to comment about it in any form. He doesn't like you as you are, tell the jerk to hit the road.

Now onto you. You are beautiful and you need to tell yourself that. Look in the mirror and see that beauty. Just because your body is not size 2 does not mean you are not beautiful. All of us are beautiful, every last one from the gal who wants to lose just 5 lbs to the woman like me who still have over 150 lbs to still lose. Get up, dress up, put make up on and go out and have fun. There is a great world out there and you surely don't have to stay in a relationship with a fathead like he is! :hug::hug:

Hello Nurse
08-02-2013, 02:18 PM
Had this happened to me, I'd be posting about it under the title "EX-boyfriend called me fat". That is totally unacceptable and a deal breaker for me.

Lecomtes
08-02-2013, 02:45 PM
gma knows best. Life is to short, stand up for yourself and all women...JUST SAY NO to *******s. You deserve better.

Trazey34
08-02-2013, 04:52 PM
You don't need internet strangers to reassure you that you're not a bag of fat.

What could we possibly do or say to UNdo a loved one being cruel when you're at your most vulnerable?

If you have to insult him back just as meanly in order for it to stop, the penis joke thing, that is one unhealthy relationship. I couldn't get out of it fast enough. If I can't feel safe and secure with my husband, WHY would I put up with it for 5 seconds???

AwShucks
08-02-2013, 10:04 PM
I do not post on this thread, but I saw your thread lead in and first off, honey love yourself before all others.

I am an old lady who has been morbidly obese for probably 30 years. I have been married to the same scrumptious man for almost 41 years. ... You are beautiful and you need to tell yourself that. Look in the mirror and see that beauty. Just because your body is not size 2 does not mean you are not beautiful. All of us are beautiful, every last one from the gal who wants to lose just 5 lbs to the woman like me who still have over 150 lbs to still lose. Get up, dress up, put make up on and go out and have fun. There is a great world out there and you surely don't have to stay in a relationship with a fathead like he is! :hug::hug:

GMA22 -- I wish you lived next door to me! Such a fount of wisdom! I hope the OP takes your message to heart. Your words to her are so wise! Please, please, please... post in this group more! We'd love to get to know you!

Oh, and I vote to teach him a lesson, if this is out of character for him. I bet when he knows just how bad he made you feel, he will change his spots... and I'd let him grovel a LONG time. Hold out for an apology and something *sparkly*! You deserve it!

mssngheart
08-03-2013, 03:12 AM
Thank you everyone and I did try and have a talk with him but it turns out he is just an jerk. We broke up because i am working hard everyday and dont need to come home and hear dumb things about my weight. It hurts but i am still young and there are more people out there. Thank you everyone I have low self esteem because i have always been tall and obese but reading posts on this site made me realize that i am beautiful and it doesnt matter what he or the people around me say because i will keep working hard FOR ME!

Lecomtes
08-03-2013, 03:37 AM
Brava gorgeous! You are stronger than you may know. :) You've got it, take good care of yourself first, and everything else will fall beautifully into place. :) Stick around and fill us in on your progress, and congratulations on your loss so far!

kaplods
08-03-2013, 04:25 AM
Thank you everyone and I did try and have a talk with him but it turns out he is just an jerk. We broke up because i am working hard everyday and dont need to come home and hear dumb things about my weight. It hurts but i am still young and there are more people out there. Thank you everyone I have low self esteem because i have always been tall and obese but reading posts on this site made me realize that i am beautiful and it doesnt matter what he or the people around me say because i will keep working hard FOR ME!

It is hard to develop self esteem as a child, when you feel so different from your peers, but it isn't impossible and it's never too late to learn just how fabulous you are and can become.

Fabulosity (I love made up words) isn't about a number on a scale or a reflection in a mirror, it's about appreciating that you are unique and therefore able to bring something to this world that no one else can, because no one else is you.

Anyone who loves or even likes you (including you) will see and appreciate what you bring into this world... not just "someday" but right this very minute.

mariposssa
08-03-2013, 05:37 AM
I'm sorry for the loss of a relationship that you had invested 10 years into; but glad to hear that you won't be listening to the nonsense of that exagerrated @$$!! You deserve better.

modifyeddoll87
08-03-2013, 11:42 AM
your better off without him he isnt worth your time

the right person will love you for you ,

I had no problem meeting some very nice guys at my HW of 265 and im shorter than you so it looked pretty ugly on me my weight all settles into my lower tummy not attractive **eek**

but ive never had a guy call me unattractive or fat or anything of that sort they felt lucky to be with ME ,

and he should feel LUCKY that you picked him !

evreywoman is beautiful in her own way your weight does not define you !

pixiefalls
08-04-2013, 10:34 PM
It is hard to develop self esteem as a child, when you feel so different from your peers, but it isn't impossible and it's never too late to learn just how fabulous you are and can become.

Fabulosity (I love made up words) isn't about a number on a scale or a reflection in a mirror, it's about appreciating that you are unique and therefore able to bring something to this world that no one else can, because no one else is you.

Anyone who loves or even likes you (including you) will see and appreciate what you bring into this world... not just "someday" but right this very minute.

I love what gma22 said and also this^. These are such wise words! I've always had terrible self esteem, specially as a young child and have been working on it for years now. This is so refreshing to read! We are all unique and special and this is a great reminder to me of how *everyone* deserves to be treated right. I'm sorry about your relationship, mssngheart, but you'll find the one right for you in time, who will treat you as you should be treated!

gma22
08-05-2013, 02:32 PM
Oh my darling you will see that not all men are total horses patoots. I am sorry that it didn't work out for you, but so very glad you were brave enough to walk away from this toxic relationship!

My husband was a sailor when I met him. He was basically a blind date. I met him through snail mail through an introduction from my cousin. I almost shut it down because he was shy and awkward, in fact we went out to dinner with my older sister and brother in law and he spilled tea all over the table. I was 18 and naive and he was 22 at the time. When he flew back to Va Beach, I told my sister I wasn't going to see him again, but she said give the poor guy a chance. Well, the next day I got a dozen roses delivered to my house while I was at school. The card said, "Just because I love you!" Unknown to me, he had already bought my engagement ring. He has told me repeatedly he wasn't going to let me go and how much did I weight back then, 185 lbs. I was no shrinking violet. As I said before, in November is our 41st wedding anniversary. We have a beautiful son and daughter, daughter in law and son in law and my sweet grandsons, who are 6 and 13. This man went through an emergency colon surgery when I developed peritonitis, another surgery 6 months later, and another one a year after that. He loves me with all his heart and tells me so many times a day. There is a man like that out there for you, but you must believe you are worth it. You could be some cover girl and if you believe you are ugly you will be treated like you are ugly. I hope you step out into the world with a new sense of purpose and accomplishment because you deserve the very best!!!

pnkrckpixikat
08-05-2013, 02:53 PM
I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship, that is a tough time no matter how good or bad the relationship was or ended.

But congratulations for taking the step to get out of a toxic relationship! You really do deserve a lot better and I'm sure that guy will come along.

fadedbluejeans
08-05-2013, 03:56 PM
I know the end of a relationship (even a not-so-perfect one) is difficult. But, you just lost 150+ pounds of fat overnight! :) Something tells me your weight loss efforts will get even easier now, without that "glassbowl" dragging you down.

MauiKai
08-05-2013, 04:15 PM
When I read the title of this thread, my eyes got huge and all I could think was "OMG."

That is just horrible! What a vile man he is! I would, without hesitation, kick him right out on his exaggeratedly inflated jerk ego.

Something similar happens on a regular basis to a friend of mine. She has been dating this man for a couple of years. And believe me, this man is no "Magic Mike" material. He tells her all the time that he loves her but she's "too disgusting" to sleep with, and that she "makes him sick to see without clothes on." Just last week she underwent gastric bypass surgery to lose weight to please this horrible man. My only hope is that when she DOES lose the weight she'll see she deserves so much better than him. And so do you.

KaseyMack
08-05-2013, 07:47 PM
Oh, that's horrible! It's one thing to have a serious and loving discussion when you're concerned for someone's health, or to even just be as tactfully honest as possible about someone's weight. It's another thing entirely to be a royal jerk in a moment of intimacy to someone you say you care about! Good for you on standing up for yourself and realizing that you DO deserve better.