Weight Loss Support - Was there are point when you started to accept you continue to "fail"?

07-28-2013, 03:23 PM
I am 2 days away from induction, although the way I've been feeling, I'm kind of wondering if I'll make it till then...

Anyway, I gained back to about the same weight I was at the end of each pregnancy (this is my 3rd).

I've been talking about weightloss A LOT with DH, and he nicely asked me why I am so nervous about it. I told him (and admitted to myself) that I am afraid I will fail. He asked me what I defined as "failing at weight loss" since I gained up to this weight with each baby, and successfully lost it each time. He could not understand why I think that's failing. But I'm not talking about from this weight to 160, that's not an option, I have to lose that weight. I'm talking about that last 30 lbs to goal.

Because I've basically always been about 160 lbs (before babies) and I would try to lose that last 30 pounds, and maybe get down to 150...then regain the 10 pounds. After my last baby I finally got down to 145 (which ended up still being heavier than I wanted to be), but regained.

But I look at it as though I have never been able to get to 130 lbs or even maintain like 150 - 145 lbs, and I've have plenty of time to do so, therefore I have failed. So now with the task of weightloss ahead, I know I will get back to my 160 lbs no issues, but I am afraid I will fail at getting to goal and/or maintaining it. I remember thinking through my 20s that "this was going to be the time I got down to like 130 lbs"...and it never was.

I'm not sure when that attitude became "Oh hope I don't fail again." I guess its time, I'm 32, and still fighting my weight, and to me that's just too long. I feel that if I haven't done it by now, its not going to happen. Or that I will get there and for some reason regain those 30 lbs again.

Was there a point when you felt like you failed? When you just stopped believing that you can do it?

I feel like the boy who cried wolf to myself, and I no longer believe this is the time I will get to goal (130lbs).

07-28-2013, 03:44 PM
No advice, just hugs

07-28-2013, 04:06 PM
Oddly enough I never perceived my regains as failures. I actually saw them as rational decisions to prioritize enjoyment of food and freedom from restriction over slimness and health. And I've always believed I have the power to lose as much weight as I want (within reason), whether I actually get there or not.


07-28-2013, 04:09 PM
Congratulations on your upcoming birth day. :)

I'm a lifetime yo-yo dieter so I truly understand your frustration with getting to and/or maintaining goal weight. :hug:

Take a look at my goal weight... 180. Once I get to 180 I intend to maintain that weight for some time before I drop my goal any lower.

Why not make 160 your goal weight and do the same? I don't see it as giving up. I do see it as a way to feel, and hopefully be, more successful.

Arctic Mama
07-28-2013, 05:01 PM
Depending on your hormones, age, and particular body, you may NEVER get to whatever arbitrary goal you have set for yourself. On the other hand, you may be surprised and go beyond it to even lower weights. These things are less in our control than many of us would like. Success or failure has no business in this process - what is the random line between success and failure for weight? Does that change with age? Children? Stress? When do you give yourself a break and begin believing that not giving up and quitting is good enough some days?

The mindset you outlined above is destructive and self defeating. You deserve better!

For me, I am a success every day I get out of bed and consciously work at making choices that support my goals. I will never fully succeed, because when it comes to weight there is NO 'arriving'. No end date. No weight at which I somehow don't have to exert the same daily pattern of awareness and choice. This goes on until I die. So where is the fruitfulness or joy in considering myself less than successful, simply because the nature of weight maintenance means it is continually ongoing? I find that to be the very definition of madness.

07-28-2013, 05:13 PM
I think at some point when we focus so much on a particular number we are setting ourselves up for failure. Instead of focusing on a specific weight, what about a certain body fat/building muscle or just..feeling good about yourself? I struggle with a goal that seems so far off but it hasn't been this close in god knows how long. When I beat myself up about how far it is, I step away from the scale mindest and think about health! I am eating well because it makes me feel good! I am exercising because it's good for me! With those things the weight will eventually come off, I don't need to put a time limit on it.

Just love and believe in yourself! You've done it before and it sounds like you have a really supportive family. Plus us here at 3FC. You can do it!

07-28-2013, 06:18 PM
For me, I am a success every day I get out of bed and consciously work at making choices that support my goals. I will never fully succeed, because when it comes to weight there is NO 'arriving'. No end date. No weight at which I somehow don't have to exert the same daily pattern of awareness and choice. This goes on until I die. So where is the fruitfulness or joy in considering myself less than successful, simply because the nature of weight maintenance means it is continually ongoing? I find that to be the very definition of madness.

Hmm, you're absolutely right! :bravo:

07-28-2013, 06:40 PM
GlamourGirl-first I have to say congratulations on being able to lose your weight after pregnancy. I've never been pregnant myself, but have seen friends and family struggle with that weight and some still carrying that weight when they're kids are in their twenties. So don't sell yourself short for what you have accomplished.

That being said, I learn from each weight loss experience, at 50 I feel blessed to have another shot at getting fit and healthy, although I do have a number goal, fitness and health are my priorities.

Best to you :sunny:

07-28-2013, 07:20 PM
Thank you all. I think I will be setting small goals along the way, including 160lbs as a goal that I'm back to prebaby weight. That weight marks a point where I feel I cannot cross AND maintain, there's a lot of psychological baggage attached to that weight.

My DH expressed the same this that weight loss isn't a succeed / fail thing, that its a life long journey. I tend to fall back on very black and white thinking, and I think this is an example of it.

Weightloss, for me, is definitely as much a mental journey as physical. I would think it is for most people too. :)

07-28-2013, 08:17 PM
I also have a perfectionistic mentality but I try to avoid that type of thinking because it never gets me anywhere positive. The fact that you can lose the baby weight is already a huge accomplishment. It might not be what you strive for but it's still a whole lot. I try to change my mental talk by telling myself nice things but I definitely have my moments when it's tough to handle.

07-28-2013, 11:43 PM
definitely as much a mental journey as physical.~ Same here, I feel the same way

07-28-2013, 11:49 PM
I've been feeling a bit of that "I hope I don't fail again" mentality since I regained the 70 lbs I lost previously. I think it can be hard to forgive yourself (at least it is for me). But I feel a little more positive with each day of being on plan. I think it just takes getting started and getting back into weigh-loss mode to regain the confidence.

07-29-2013, 03:56 AM
GlamourGirl I know what you are going through in these last days of pregnancy (I'm at 38 weeks myself). Just remember that by losing any amount of weight you are wining against the influences our calorie heavy culture has. Most of the population is steadily gaining weight. So by being able to lose it (after pregnancy no less) you are already working hard and accomplishing something.

Good luck with your labour and delivery!

07-29-2013, 02:27 PM
In a way, I don't think this is far from what I was recently posting about. I'm a little bit older than you (37) and not once was I able to get below 220 until earlier this year. I did get down to the 220's twice when I was in my 20's, but fell of the wagon for various reasons, mainly triggered by not being in the right mindset. And now that I finally achieved getting below that number, I got pregnant and went right back over 220 again. :dizzy: While I'm sure I'll be able to work back down again once I've had the baby, I'm scared that I was somehow never meant to be under 220. That's still obese! So like you, I feel it marks a point that I cannot cross AND maintain. Even though I did climb all the way up to 360 for a few years, I've actually spent most of my life in the 250-275 range. When I got to my highest, I had my sights set on losing the extra hundred pounds to get back to my "normal" range and inched my way back there. Then I focused on wanting to achieve a healthier new normal while hopelessly believing it couldn't be done.

I proved myself wrong; I did it! And I can do it again! And I bet you can prove yourself wrong too. I totally agree with the psychological baggage that can be attached to certain weights, and it's an extremely hard thing to shake. Look at this way; you say you have no choice but to get down to 160 again. Instead of focusing on that number, remind yourself you have no choice but to be at your healthiest. This will serve as a great reminder for me as well . . . neither of us should be freaking so much over some numbers, all that matters is that we're healthy and happy. Work toward that and perhaps the rest will fall into place. :)

I'll be thinking of you on your big day tomorrow. Good luck with everything! :hug:

07-29-2013, 11:28 PM
You sound alot like me... getting around the 160s-170s and wanting to get the last 30-40 or so pounds off.

People say it's the last 10 pounds that are the hardest to get off, but for me it's the last 30 that really requires me to be so strict. Hard workouts, cutting carbs, higher protein, watching every calorie-- the type of foods do matter at that point... I got down to 150 a couple of years ago, so I was getting there, but maybe a mental thing and I stopped whatever I was doing and went back up to 200...so now here I am again at the 170s.

Now that I type this out, I think maybe part of the mental block isn't hitting goal, but just diving into all the hard work it takes to make that goal, then I realize it might be hard to maintain... so maybe it isn't worth it and a fail? But I see others make it down to the low weights and maintain so I like to think it is possible!

so, I think that's all it is- it's just alot of hard work to get the last 30 off!

07-29-2013, 11:45 PM
Elladorine- Those 220s are a b****, aren't they? That seems to be where I always lose it as well. I'm trying not to focus that far ahead right now. One mini-goal at a time. But it definitely crosses my mind often: "will I be able to beat the 220s this time around?"

07-30-2013, 10:57 AM
If you think you won't reach your goal and/or be able to maintain it, you won't. You set yourself up for failure when you do that. Maintenance is just a continuation of the lifestyle/eating changes you made to lose weight with added calories of nutritious food. If you embrace change and see it as a good thing leading to reaching your goals, it becomes a lot easier.

07-30-2013, 11:46 AM
GG - I really relate to an undercurrent in your post, about not trusting yourself to get below a certain weight. When I started again last year, I didn't even really pick a goal weight. It seemed too abstract, too unreal. It's not just that I couldn't imagine myself at a lower weight than I'd been since childhood - it's that there was a very real trust deficit in myself.

I never did figure out how to overcome it, except to believe that the longer I stay at a low weight, the more I'll see it's true -- I really can weigh less. I've learned, and I've got a ton of knowledge and experience now. I can trust myself. If you can throw yourself into the WL and just trust that the perspective will come, I think it's OK that you can't fully see yourself at goal yet. Don't try. Just do what you know you need to do.

Of course, I haven't made it to goal yet either, so what do I know. :) I got burnt out, took a 6 month diet break, and now can't seem to muster the will to get back on. But the fact that I'm still in the 140s (err, these days, just barely) has been incredible for making me believe in myself. And I realized there is no real end goal to be sprinting towards. I want to go lower still, but it's OK if it's not right now -- the effort never ends.

Edit - after posting, I remembered that today's the day, and you probably have other things on your mind! Hope your delivery goes smoothly and that you have as easy a recovery as possible! Good luck!

07-30-2013, 01:33 PM
I've learned to focus on and celebrate my successes, even when the success is not gaining today.

I used to see a lot more failure than success and it was so discouraging that I would give up (which is the only true failure).

I stumble a lot, but I keep reminding myself that stumbling and even falling flat is only failure if I don't pick myself up.

When I start to worry that I won't reach my ultimate goal, I remind myself that I don't need to worry about the ultimate destination, I just need to work on the next footstep, and do I want that one step to be closer or further from my ultimate goal.

If you've got "the map" and are on the path that will get you there, you only have to consider the next step.

Celebrate the successes, no matter how small and celebrate the journey and each of steps you have taken.

Whether or not you ever get to a specific destination isn't as important as making progress, even if the progress is standing still rather than backsliding. Even backsliding can be success if you're able so slow the fall in comparison to your old pattern.

I recently regained some weight, but I gained slower and stopped myself sooner than I would have in the past (when a gain would have inspired me to say "screw it" and I'd have rapidly gained it back only to start over heavier than I started).

Saying, "I failed, but it could be worse," is better than saying "I failed again. I'll never succeed," but it's even better to say, "I have succeeded in preventing the situation from being worse, and today I will succeed in making the situation better - I will move in the direction I want to go."

07-30-2013, 05:27 PM
You know, I felt the same way for awhile. We're the same height and my original goal was 140lbs. However, I got to 156lbs and I couldn't even lose that last pound to make it into the "healthy" category. That being said with weight training I was really happy with my body, I wore the type of clothes I wanted and at some point I just realized I was at goal.

Sure, maybe I could have pushed myself over my comfort zone to get to 140lbs but after already losing 80lbs and being able to maintain 156lbs, what was the point? Besides throughout most of my college years I was around 155lbs without any effort so it seems to be a happy weight for my body.

Like you I'm looking to lose the baby weight, so I have around 30lbs to get back to my pre-pregnancy body. For some reason I keep hoping to see at least 155lbs on the scale but my life isn't over if I never see it. Nobody knows what that scale says unless I tell them and I was surprised to hear from so many women that I was "really thin" prepregnancy. I never mentally put myself in that category but even though the scale might not put me in the healthy category I was healthy by ever medical test so I just need to move past the lower number..

ETA: and I absolutely DON'T see that as failing at weight loss (or what you've done as failing either!!). Be happy with 160lbs! There are so many women who would love to be that weight at your height. Why not work on body recomposition more once you get there than worry about the number?