Weight Loss Support - How to handle insults . . . rant




View Full Version : How to handle insults . . . rant


doingmybest
07-26-2013, 11:24 PM
I don't know why I continue to be surprised when people say rude things to me, but I am really tired of it.

My husband has a friend who is an egotistical loudmouth. He constantly says obnoxious things in front of our group of friends.

Last week, he and his wife hosted a dinner party and in front of everyone there, he referred to me as a whale! He kept making one whale joke after another. I was so shocked and embarrassed, I didn't know what to say. No one at the party said anything either. There was just an awkward silence.

Later, I spoke to him alone and told him never to say anything like that to me again. He responded "I know, I'm sorry". I know the kind of person he is so I do consider the source, but it is still embarrassing. :mad:

What is it with people who have to make mean comments? When my MIL does it, I get right in her face and she backs off. I don't want to have to do that but I am not going to just take it.

The comments are never constructive or said out of concern for my well being. The comments are always cruel. I guess some people enjoy hurting others. It feels like grade school all over again! I don't go around criticizing other people so I don't understand the need to make comments.

Any suggestions on how to cope with this?


alaskanlaughter
07-26-2013, 11:38 PM
I think you are doing the best thing, to get up there and confront them about their behavior...the other thing would be maybe to also distance yourself from them and let them know that, and why....maybe they will think twice about their behavior

doingmybest
07-26-2013, 11:45 PM
Thank you, Alaskanlaughter! That's exactly what I thought.

By the way, I absolutely love Alaska!


Aclai4067
07-26-2013, 11:51 PM
I just wouldn't spend time with someone who thinks that kind of behavior is acceptable. I get insulted about my weight to my face MAYBE once a year... and never by someone I KNOW! It's usually a snide comment from some teenage boy. Frankly, I'm constantly shocked by the stories I hear on this forum about adults being rude or petty (even worse when it's family members)! If people treat you badly, they are not worth your time!

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 12:01 AM
Thank you, Ashley. Your comments really help me too because I often wonder if I am being too sensitive about this. It hurts far more to get these comments from friends and family who are supposed to be there to support me as I have supported them.

I stopped seeing my MIL because she was always insulting me and I have been much happier since.

alaskanlaughter
07-27-2013, 12:08 AM
Thank you, Alaskanlaughter! That's exactly what I thought.

By the way, I absolutely love Alaska!

Come on up sometime!! I'm in the Capital City! Bears are two blocks away from my house and the glacier is a mile down the road! :)

amandie
07-27-2013, 12:08 AM
Wow, That's just rude. I've only experienced that from young snotty kids, not adults! I would have said to him, "Wow, did you just really say that? You must feel really ashamed and embarrassed of yourself." I have no problem with calling people out.

I'm shocked he even has a wife! Poor her...

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 12:12 AM
Amandie: thanks so much for making me laugh! I don't know how his wife can stand being with him! Nobody who knows them can understand it! She is an angel and he is a jerk!

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 12:22 AM
Alaskanlaughter: bears and glaciers and Juneau sound great! I can't wait to go to Alaska again!

luckymommy
07-27-2013, 01:52 AM
It's definitely not acceptable and actually, I hate to make this into more of a problem but I'm really surprised nobody stopped him on your behalf. Sending you hugs and strength to get away from people like that and surround yourself kind, uplifting people.

Mizeria
07-27-2013, 01:53 AM
I definitely would have done what you did... If I stayed level headed enough, and I commend you for not calling him several nasty things that he would have rightly deserved.

I had something similar happen a few years ago, and I did not handle it so maturely. I.... Slapped him, and told him he was an insensitive A-hole and that I felt very sorry to anyone cursed with having to know him. So go you for being an adult and not doing that!!

patns
07-27-2013, 01:57 AM
You said this is a "friend"of your husband? Where was he when the jerk was mouthing off? I would have left when no one came to your defense.
Is it possible he has Tourettes and can't filter what he says?

TooWicky
07-27-2013, 02:24 AM
Good. Lord. My husband would have probably punched him in the face if he said that to me!! Shew I have known a few acquaintances/friends in my life that are absolute train wrecks with horrifying stuff that comes out of their mouths all the time. I'm remembering one right now as a matter of fact. I also was incredulous that his wife put up with him on a daily basis. They make the whole world around them uncomfortable and make me cringe. They can't seem to resist "going there" in every single conversation. And they can't be cured! I'm not a sentimental person. I cut those people totally loose, lol, I can't stand to be around them. I wouldn't even have stayed at the dinner party. You should world class maturity and composure to privately take him aside to speak to him.

CrazyCatWoman
07-27-2013, 02:39 AM
In my experience, people who make comments like that are covering up some insecurity in themselves by looking for a laugh from others which support their ego. I'd be less diplomatic than talking to them on their own - which is probably the right thing to do - and directly confront them in front of their audience and tell them that being called a 'whale' is not very nice and quite hurtful - and watch their response. If they insult you publicly, then take a deep breath and challenge them about it publicly. You are the stronger person.

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 02:40 AM
Everyone has made such great points! I can't tell you how much all of your comments have helped me!

Patns and luckymommy: you are so right about my husband. He never speaks up for me. It has been a serious problem in our relationship for years. I think everyone else at the party was shocked and didn't know what to say. The "friend" who made the comment says awful things to everyone, especially his wife. He thinks he is being funny and he loves being the center of attention. I think that I will stay friends with his wife and stop spending any time with him.

Mizeria: sometimes I wish I could slap some of these people and really tell them off. I suppose I acted like an adult, but I still hold on to bad feelings.

Thank you all for your support!

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 02:55 AM
Hi Wicky and CrazyCatWoman: thank you so much for your support. As I said earlier, this really helps me because I wonder if I am being too sensitive. My husband tells me to just ignore it. That is impossible for me.

I don't understand how some people feel the need to verbally attack someone or don't care about making other people uncomfortable. You are right, CrazyCatWoman, if someone insults me publicly, coming back at them publicly is the best way to get them to stop. A lot of bullies are really cowards and back down fast.

I too am not sentimental and I have no problem cutting people who do this out of my life.

hhm6
07-27-2013, 03:27 AM
Ugghhh I have dealt with my fair share of these kind of rude remarks, the latest one was while I was in Target and I ran off like a little girl without standing my ground! But usually for me it comes from family.

I hate when it comes from family because they think they're older (asian families too!!!) so I can't disrespect them yada yada but honestly grow up and be a little sensitive, just because you're a size 2 and eat crap doesn't make you more sensible about my weight issues. People make me so angry! lol Sorry for my little rant there, but I feel you! and sorry you have to hear this from your husband's friend.

I think what you're doing is great, because no one should have to hear those things!! :hug:

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 03:36 AM
Hi hhm6- I completely understand your rant! Comments from family are hard. And yes, no one should have to hear those things. Thanks for your comments!

MAK247
07-27-2013, 10:18 AM
Years ago in another forum someone suggested a response to use for rude customers. I've never had the chance to use it but it has always stuck in the back of my mind. Simply calmly reply "You have an unfortunate way of expressing yourself."

That being said, if I had a "friend" who treated me like that, I would not associate with them any longer.

Jacqui_D
07-27-2013, 11:17 AM
I like how you handled it. Very diplomatic. I probably would have said right there in front of everybody, "You know, I can always lose weight, but I highly doubt that you could ever stop being an insecure, obnoxious loudmouth who has to be the center of attention, so I'm going to let your ignorant, insensitive comments slide because I know you just can't help looking like an idiot." And if he no longer wanted to be friends with my husband because of it, that would be just fine with me.

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 11:34 AM
Thank you, MAK247 and Jacqui D! I LOVE those responses! I am always at a loss for words in those situations and you have given me some great options!

NoCheesePlease
07-27-2013, 11:46 AM
Wow, that guy seems very immature and socially inept. If no one was responding to his rude behavior with laughter, he should have known to shut up.

You are NOT overly sensitive either. I hate when people use that phrase. Remember that you are working towards a goal to be a healthier person and stay focused on that. Don't let any negativity deter you from your personal goals, no matter what some idiot says.

I don't really have any great advice for how to respond in the moment, but I think the suggestions have been great. Just keep your chin up. I do think you did the right thing by confronting him about it personally, though.

This guy was being intentionally rude, but I also struggle with the unintentional things that people do or say. My mother is famous for saying things like "We do need to eat (insert whatever food)". She covers it by saying "we" but I know that she simply means me, considering that she is a healthy weight. My dad always sends me information about new diets, books, or programs that help improve weight loss. Though I know they mean well because they want me to be healthy, it can hurt sometimes. I struggle with that because it isn't blatantly being mean, but it isn't necessary.

aspen13
07-27-2013, 11:59 AM
I wondered why your husband hasn't spoken up either. Gosh, even my ex-husband would blow up and want to knock-out someone acting that way toward me. You have your husband's friend and mother doing this to you. I find your husband just as bad. I am so very, very sorry you have to deal with this. I have never had bullying done directed toward me but have seen plenty directed to others. It angers me so much to hear it from bratty children, adults even more so. I could have not sat through that dinner without jumping out of my seat and giving your husband's friend and his wife a piece of my mind. And I am, for the most part, a very quiet, shy person. You deserve to be treated with respect by everyone. Your husband should stand up and act like a man. He needs to confront his mom, his friend, and friend's wife.

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 12:23 PM
Hi NoCheesePlease: Thank you for your response, and especially for telling me that I am not being too sensitive. I hate that expression. I think that using that phrase is just a way to make me the one with the problem instead of the person who really showed bad behavior. It is also a way to avoid confronting someone who deserves it. I really do try to develop a thicker skin in life so that I am not thrown by people like that. Normally what I would do to cope is to sit alone in a room and eat ice cream. Now I have 3FCs to help me through things like this. I really appreciate having a place to get support.

I also really like your observation about the unintentional things people say that can be really irritating. We all know what to do and we all have common sense so these little comments are annoying and unnecessary. What I started to do is to take a subject that is sensitive to that person and start throwing comments back. For example, I had a friend who is alcoholic who told me that I would feel better about myself if I lost weight. I told him that he would feel better about himself if he quit drinking. He never brought up my weight again. I hated saying that because it's not my style - but it worked.

Hi Aspen13: You are so right! To tell you the truth, I am more hurt by my husband than by his stupid friend. This has been a problem with us from day 1. His mother has treated me terribly over the years and he never, ever defended me. I almost ended the marriage over it. What I did instead was to move far away from her and I stopped having contact with her. When I decided to move, I told my husband he can either stay with mommy or move with me. He chose to move with me, but he still will never defend me. As long as I don't have any contact with her, I am much happier and there aren't any more bad episodes that my husband and I have to fight over. He will never man up and that changed our relationship forever. Thank you for your honesty.

BreathingSpace
07-27-2013, 04:58 PM
Hi NoCheesePlease: Thank you for your response, and especially for telling me that I am not being too sensitive. I hate that expression. I think that using that phrase is just a way to make me the one with the problem instead of the person who really showed bad behavior. It is also a way to avoid confronting someone who deserves it. I really do try to develop a thicker skin in life so that I am not thrown by people like that. Normally what I would do to cope is to sit alone in a room and eat ice cream. Now I have 3FCs to help me through things like this. I really appreciate having a place to get support.

I also really like your observation about the unintentional things people say that can be really irritating. We all know what to do and we all have common sense so these little comments are annoying and unnecessary. What I started to do is to take a subject that is sensitive to that person and start throwing comments back. For example, I had a friend who is alcoholic who told me that I would feel better about myself if I lost weight. I told him that he would feel better about himself if he quit drinking. He never brought up my weight again. I hated saying that because it's not my style - but it worked.

Hi Aspen13: You are so right! To tell you the truth, I am more hurt by my husband than by his stupid friend. This has been a problem with us from day 1. His mother has treated me terribly over the years and he never, ever defended me. I almost ended the marriage over it. What I did instead was to move far away from her and I stopped having contact with her. When I decided to move, I told my husband he can either stay with mommy or move with me. He chose to move with me, but he still will never defend me. As long as I don't have any contact with her, I am much happier and there aren't any more bad episodes that my husband and I have to fight over. He will never man up and that changed our relationship forever. Thank you for your honesty.

You are absolutely NOT being "too sensitive". I would never hang out with that loser ever again nor go anywhere that he is going to be. If anyone asks why, you don't even have to explain yourself or why or past incidents. You just "yeah, that would be a big NOPE" and that's it. Case closed.

jiffypop
07-27-2013, 05:07 PM
hmm. a lot of great advice from many very wise people. It's appalling that this male [can't quite bring myself to call him a MAN, as that would suggest some degree of maturity] thought this was appropriate dinner conversation, and even worse that your husband didn't support you.

I would not have been so patient, I'm afraid. I've hit THAT AGE where I simply don't tolerate this nonsense. A well-placed comment [any of the ones above, and i'd also offer 'this is not an appropriate topic.'] and if [when] he didn't stop, I'd stand up, get my things together, and tell my husband that we were leaving. and thank my girlfriend, with a comment that the two of us would get together later in the week.

also, since he was rude in public, and apologized in PRIVATE, he needs to rectify that. A public apology is in order. And if it's too hard to get together again soon - your choice entirely - he needs to write apology letters to EVERYONE who was there and who heard it.

doingmybest
07-27-2013, 05:54 PM
All excellent points, JiffyPop and BreathingSpace! I hadn't thought about him giving me a more public apology; I think that is a great idea. I will definitely not be spending time with him but I will continue to see my other friends. If I am at a social event with him again, I will be much more prepared to confront him.

I was expecting someone on this thread to tell me that it's no big deal, not to let it get to me, but everyone has really confirmed what I have been feeling. I deserve to attend a social event and not be insulted. I am not ever going to tolerate it and I won't allow it to happen to anyone else. I am glad that I said something to him, and I am working on also letting it go and moving on so that he can't waste any more of my time and energy.

All of your comments have really touched me. I sincerely appreciate everyone's input.

Garnet2727
07-27-2013, 06:53 PM
I don't tolerate nonsense like that at all. I can see myself telling him to 'eff off for being a rude @$$hole, gathering my things and leaving. If hubby didn't leave with me, then 'eff him too. But then, my husband doesn't put up with crap like that either. He probably would have punched the guy in the snoot and then left.

I'm just not at all diplomatic when it comes to people behaving like jerks. As a result, no one in my life speaks to me like that. No. One.

JollyGreenSteen19
07-27-2013, 08:37 PM
Doingmybest - I read this thread and SOOO felt for you. What an idiot who made everything so terribly horribly awkward. Who in their right mind says that kind of ****???? Honestly I think the best way to handle that is to pass as much embarrassment off onto the offender. Really he's the one who should be humiliated for putting that on you, and if I was an outsider looking in on that situation I would definitely have not hesitated to make him feel like **** for what he did.

I'll preface this by saying that I am a sensitive girl. I cannot tolerate ANY comments about my weight or I unravel. It's not something I like to talk about with my husband or closest friends. I don't necessarily think I'm in denial over anything - it's just in no way is talking about your excess body fat fun or entertaining conversation, it's never got something nice behind it. It's a sore, sensitive subject for most people. I've never been embarrassed like you have, but I've had moments at work when another bigger lady lumps me in with her, talking to people near me and saying "well us big girls like Courtney and I can't pull off stuff like that" or pulls me into convos talking about how work uniform sizes need to run bigger for girls built like "us" in front of LOTS of people at a meeting.... in those situations I've just kind of kept my head down, shrugged it off with a very flat grin. I've also had a random stranger approach me about a new diet she was doing and how she thought she would never lose the weight before she tried it and how I shouldn't give up hope on myself. SOME people I swear. What's important is to be the bigger person and maintain composure - if someone wants to make an @$$ out of themselves you can't stop them.

doingmybest
07-28-2013, 12:38 AM
I can't begin to tell you all how much all of your comments mean to me.

I have been overweight my entire life. As a kid, I was fat and horribly bullied in school. I would go home crying, and my mother would say "the kids are right - you are fat!" When I would cry to my father, he would just tell me to toughen up. My mother put me on a liquid diet and diet pills starting at 9 years old, but it never helped. At age 11, I attempted suicide by taking a handful of pills but nothing happened and no one even noticed. Doctors told me that because of my body type, I can never be thin or even a normal weight.

As a teen, my parents told me that no boy would want me because of my weight. As a senior in high school, I was in a play and the teacher who directed the play said to me in front of the entire cast during rehearsal "look at how big and fat she is!". Everyone was shocked and couldn't say anything. I think that along the way, I started to believe that I deserved to be treated that way.

My entire family is obese, except for my mother, who never understood how she could have fat children. Years later, my brother died of morbid obesity at age 48.

Unfortunately, I have people in my life who love to make rude comments to me , like my MIL. When I do lose weight, she looks worried and shoves food at me.

So, it has been a long hard road for me dealing with weight and often I just gave up. Now I am back on WW and 3FCs. I am going to keep on trying. I love all of you for being so supportive!

doingmybest
07-28-2013, 12:52 AM
Hi Jolly Green and Garnet: I completely agree with you both! I am going to be a lot more aggressive when someone pulls this kind of crap in the future. I am going to start embarrassing those jerks exactly the same way the embarrass me.

Jolly Green: I absolutely hate it when people do that!!! What is it with people that say stuff like that, especially strangers! I joined a gym, and every time I worked out, one of the trainers on staff used to make comments to me about my weight in order to get me to sign up for private training with her. I told her NO and that I just want to work out alone and in peace. She didn't stop, so I complained to management.

I get really sick of people like that!

shcirerf
07-28-2013, 01:07 AM
Well, I know, that I'm a bit out there.:D
If that man would have said that to me, I would have said, "well, I can lose weight but you will always have a short peck*r!

But that's just me. I'm not afraid to call them like I see them!:carrot:

doingmybest
07-28-2013, 01:17 AM
:rofl: I am not sure that I would have the nerve to say that out loud, but it sure is funny!

JollyGreenSteen19
07-28-2013, 11:57 PM
I'm awfully quiet but I sort of like to think about how if someone sticks their little butt out it's their own fault if it gets spanked. Bullies are cowards - I read that earlier in this thread and that is just way too true. They'll pick on you because they feel you're a target that won't fight back, surprise them!! :)

WOW I am trying to imagine what it'd be like being approached by an employee at the gym and being singled out. As a paying customer you have a right to be able to work out in peace - you'll stop coming and stop paying if you feel threatened or uncomfortable. My move probably would have been to say I can't afford personal sessions right now, and if that didn't work then I'd talk to a manager and say I was taking my business elsewhere if it didn't stop. It really kind of hits the nail on the head of why I hate working out in public - I'm always afraid of running into people and being judged or approached. I hate being the only token fat girl at the gym or out on a jog, I'm always worried people will either wonder what I'm doing here or else think that I BETTER be here. I'm glad so far people have minded their own business - sometimes what people think is nice or encouraging is actually very condescending and rude. Additionally, no overweight people at the gym is like "oh wow I hope someone realizes how fat I am and how much help I need!!!".

doingmybest
07-29-2013, 01:48 AM
Hi Jolly Green:

I hated being approached at the gym. I was approached rudely by two more staff members: one trainer noticed that I missed a couple of days and he lectured me on the importance of exercise. A yoga instructor singled me out in a class and gave me I strict instructions for obese people - in front of the whole class!

I had already told management about this problem and it kept on happening.
That was it - I was done. I recently left the gym and designed my own exercise program that includes weight training, brisk walking, swimming, stability ball and recumbent bike. It was just too hard to deal with the people at the gym. I don't need to be scolded and embarrassed.

krampus
07-29-2013, 01:38 PM
Your husband's friend is obviously a moron with some huge hole in his life - happy people don't call their friends' wives whales, ever.

Those people shouldn't be working at gyms. Makes me feel ill thinking that there are horrible $-minded people like that being trusted to help folks get in shape.

doingmybest
07-29-2013, 11:31 PM
Thank you for your comments, Krampus. I was going to the gym specifically to work on my fitness and weight and instead a few people on the staff made it worse.

I may have left that gym, but I am still exercising and focusing on my weight loss.

No- people like that shouldn't be working there.

Thank you again.

shcirerf
07-30-2013, 12:28 AM
:rofl: I am not sure that I would have the nerve to say that out loud, but it sure is funny!

While I've never made a comment on the referenced subject.

I am very well endowed in the "girl" department. One night at a local community annual celebration, one dummy in the bar made a sarcastic reference to the size. It was quite embarrassing. So I smarted off back and asked him the size of his jock strap, extra small?

The results were hilarious! First total dead silence, waiting for the fight to start, between him and my Dh, however, I stood up tall and looked the dingbat in the eye, with the attitude, that if you want to carry this on, let's rock!

He slumped down in his chair, and actually was good sport about the fact that I verbally kicked his butt!

Some days, ya just gotta do, what ya gotta do!

It's all about being confident and standing tall, and not taking any crap!:carrot::D:D;)

MarjorieMargarine
07-30-2013, 01:24 AM
I actually read a Miss Manners column several years ago that reminded me of this. Someone wrote in and said they were at a dinner party where one of the guests told a very racist joke, and the writer was of that particular race. He was uncomfortable because he didn't want to make it seem like he was thin-skinned, but it was very offensive. Everyone at the table kind of turned and looked at him to see how he would react.

Miss Manners suggested that if it happened again, he should just wait for the person to finish telling the joke, then wait another second after he was finished, just staring at the person. Then, slowly, say to the joke-teller in a very serious and kind of amused voice, "Oh? Did you think that was funny?" and keep looking at them, as if you're really waiting for an answer to this question. Everyone else at the table is guaranteed to say, "No."

I think it's great. It's pretty cutting and it puts the joke-teller on the spot. Too many people (myself included sometimes) are willing to be made uncomfortable. Really, it was that jerk who should have been uncomfortable, not you. Nothing wrong with placing the discomfort where it belongs.

doingmybest
07-30-2013, 02:02 AM
So true Marjorie and shcirerf: In the past, I always resisted making other people uncomfortable, but now I see that it is the only thing to that works.

A long time ago, we were having dinner with several of my husband's relatives. An aunt said something pretty cruel about my father in law's weight, and my MIL chimed in by asking me (in front of everyone) if I thought that was funny. I didn't smile and I didn't answer. She kept asking me over and over if I thought it was funny. I finally said "I think that what was said is very mean. If you ever speak to me like that, you will never see me again." There was a long awkward silence. After that, no one (other than my MIL) ever said anything like that to me again. My MIL is a very slow learner.

When we got home that night, my husband was irritated and asked me why I couldn't just ignore the comment. I yelled back at him that he should have defended his father.

I just can't take the crap any more, no matter who it p*sses off.

scood
07-30-2013, 10:47 PM
The only one you have to be good enough for is you, and yes you are doing your best. Your doing something to Improve yourself. Be proud, doesn't matter what weight your at. If they were happy people they wouldn't display this type of behaviour they would be cheering you on.

Tell them to look in the mirror and see the awful,sinical, unhappy cruel person they really are, and that is going to take something drastic for them to change them. They have the problem not you

If people don't bring positivity into your life you don't need them kick them to the curb. Up you get chin up, you would have plent of support on this sit

Scood

doingmybest
07-31-2013, 02:34 AM
Thank you, Scood!

HungryHungryHippo
08-01-2013, 01:05 AM
I've gotten horrible comments throughout my life from people who thought I was too fat. Now I'm getting them from people who think I'm too thin. (Um, hello, I'm standing right next to you. I can hear what you just said.) Just proves there is no winning. I love this song, though! Cheers me right up! Maybe you too? :-) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nD2vZfdzGg (Sugababes "Ugly")

scood
08-01-2013, 01:33 AM
:cheer3::cheer2::cheer3::cheer2:Doingmybest

My pleasure, I come from a very dysfunctional family and I had to learn that, now I alway make sure Im grateful for things, I have a little mantra which I say, I have an Abundance of health, happiness, wealth, friends, family.

In a very dark time of my life I was told, by a very religious girlfriend, you are never given anymore than you can handle, I thought YEH RIGHT!!!,

But when I look back I have got thru every challenge, and speed hump that I have been given.

Don't let another human being try to inflict their unhappiness on you. To me the are jealous of you.

Keep going just restart you can do it x x x x

Scood