General chatter - I'm worried about a guy on a blind date




cyndii
07-24-2013, 09:34 PM
I've never had a boyfriend and my mother pushed me to go on a blind date last week. i think the guy and I mix well and it was fun talking to him.
I've met him twice and I have a feeling he's interested in me, but I can't imagine him more than a friend. My heart doesn't beat fast or anything. I feel disgusted with the idea of romance with him. He's a nice guy and I hope we can be good friends though.

He asked me if I want to continue to see him and I said "yes." How can I say "no" right in front of his face? It's also true that I want to meet him, but as friends.
What should I do?? Can I just hang out with him as a friend?


pnkrckpixikat
07-24-2013, 10:05 PM
You can but that needs to be his call too. I know telling him you don't see him romantically is a crappy uncomfortable conversation but you need to have it. Would you want a guy stringing you along cause he didn't have the guts to have that conversation if the role was reversed?

let him know how you feel and that you do want to be friends, but in the end it needs to be up to him if he wants to be just friends or just wants to cut his losses'

I know it sucks, but you can do it!

AwShucks
07-24-2013, 11:46 PM
I agree. You need to be honest with him. Have the "it's not you, it's me" conversation. Maybe you can still be friends, and he'll introduce you to someone you really like!


kaplods
07-25-2013, 12:26 AM
You can but that needs to be his call too. I know telling him you don't see him romantically is a crappy uncomfortable conversation but you need to have it. Would you want a guy stringing you along cause he didn't have the guts to have that conversation if the role was reversed!

Unless you find the guy absolutely repulsive, I don't think it's stringing someone along to reserve judgement for a few dates. Just because no sparks flew, doesn't mean they couldn't.

When I met my husband through an online and nrwspaper ad I placed, we hit it off on the phone, but when I met him, there were no romantic sparks. He was, in many ways, the very opposite of my type. He even possessed several traits that I considered deal breakers (he smoked and I was deathly allergic). He had long hair, a mustache (I'm not a big fan of facial hair), hadn't finished college (I have a masters degree) and dressed much more casually than I like.

The second date didn't really change my mind, but we had so much fun together, I kept postponing the "uncomfortable conversation." Instead of telling him I wasn't attracted to him physically, I told him I wanted to take things slow, and before long the sparks were there.

Now I can't imagine being attracted to anyone else. I described his looks as "biker viking," and while the biker didn't appeal to me, the viking did. Now I even like the long hair and when he wanted to grow a full beard (ick, I thought) I was supportive and now I kind of like it (but only on him. I still hate beards in principle).

I don't know if sparks will ever develop between you two, but I would highly recommend giving yourself time to decide that before telling him you don't find him attractive (that could crush any sparks he might feel now or in the future).

A second, third, or even sixth or tenth date isn't string a person along, it's getting to know them before making that decision.

Personally, I think sparks that develop over time burn hotter and longer than instant attraction. At least mine have. We'll be married eleven years in November and I feel like we're still newly weds.

If you like him and think there's even the slightest chance that sparks could develop, I'd suggest dating a bit before deciding that they won't. If after a month, you still feel nothing, then have the talk.

If I had told hubby on our first date that I didn't see a future for us and that I didn't find him attractive, I think it would have destroyed any chance of us getting together. I know if he had told me he wasn't attracted to me and wanted to be friends, I wouldn't have been able to get over it, if he changed his mind.

If you're absolutely sure that sparks are NEVER going to fly, then sure tell him now, but if you think they might develop give yourself and him a chance to find out.

fatferretfanatic
07-25-2013, 08:39 AM
I agree with Kaplods. Sometimes, the sparks aren't immediate. I'd give it at least three dates and then, if you still feel the same way, have that uncomfortable conversation.

Hyacinth
07-25-2013, 10:03 AM
My sister and her husband met speed-dating, and the sparks developed after the first few dates. They've been married for about five years and have two kids together. :)

I had a very rewarding relationship where the spark was not there at first, but grew slowly. After that relationship ended, I realized that a strong spark at first is nice, but not always necessary. I sought another relationship where the guy was great and hoped for the spark to develop, but it never did. Just be wise enough to know when to give yourself an "A" for effort and move on.

Great story, Kaplods. I'm glad you reserved judgement!

nelie
07-25-2013, 10:28 AM
I agree that sparks aren't always there at first as well. My husband met many, many years prior to dating. He was married at the time which immediately made him unattractive to me but beyond that, we didn't even become good friends until a couple years after meeting. Even after his divorce, no interest on my part. It wasn't until we developed a deeper friendship, actually commiserating over our mutual break ups that some sparks started flying.

We have been married 7 years now :)

PreciousMissy
07-25-2013, 06:05 PM
My boyfriend is the complete opposite of guys I use to date. When we met I didn't feel any sparks. Now, after getting to know him, the sparks fly every time I look at him.

EagleRiverDee
07-25-2013, 06:53 PM
I agree with Kaplods. My SO crushed me in the beginning of our relationship by telling me that there was "no spark" for him with me. But that changed for him and there's spark now and we have a great relationship.

If nothing else, you'll get some dating practice and possibly a friend.

Seashell84
07-26-2013, 09:56 AM
When I met my husband I was still hung up on my first love, who was engaged to someone else. I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I never thought I could love someone else. I was not attracted to my now-husband at all, but he was such a sweet person. He was tall, super thin and nerdy, and I had always been attracted to tall, dark, and handsome athletic "jock" types. In time I grew to love him, and with love came attraction. Now I can see that my first-love, while he will always have a special place in my heart, was not the man for me. My husband and I are so compatible, alike in the ways that matter, different in a complementary way, basically I could not imagine myself with anyone else. Maybe it's not the passionate, crazy-feeling type of love I had with my first, but it is a deeper, mature love that just keeps on growing.

My point is, even if you aren't attracted right now, don't give up yet. Like kaplods said, tell him you want to take it slow. See where it leads. You never know, he may just be the one.

cyndii
07-26-2013, 10:23 PM
Thank you for your comments. Although he doesn't have my ideal personality for a man, he's certainly a good companion.
You told me that looks aren't important but shouldn't a man and a woman find each other physically attractive to some degree? I'm not fascinated by his appearance at all. He's not good looking and last time when we met, he was all in sweat due to hot weather and there was white cast on his face with sunscreen. His nose hairs were sticking out as well.. It was disgusting..
i know it's not his fault but once i saw those things it's much harder to be attracted to him. Probably that's why I don't feel a spark?? I'm not sure how this will go..

kaplods
07-26-2013, 11:27 PM
Thank you for your comments. Although he doesn't have my ideal personality for a man, he's certainly a good companion.
You told me that looks aren't important but shouldn't a man and a woman find each other physically attractive to some degree? I'm not fascinated by his appearance at all. He's not good looking and last time when we met, he was all in sweat due to hot weather and there was white cast on his face with sunscreen. His nose hairs were sticking out as well.. It was disgusting..
i know it's not his fault but once i saw those things it's much harder to be attracted to him. Probably that's why I don't feel a spark?? I'm not sure how this will go..


To move in together, to become engaged or married? Then yeah, a man and a woman should find each other physically attractive to some degree.

But to go on a second date, to see a movie or have coffee together and get to know one another?

I would suggest that you not try to be attracted to him, just enjoy his company as a friend. If you try to force attraction, it probably won't happen. Taking a relationship slowly is almost identical to "just hanging out with a friend."

Be open to attraction, but do not try to feel anything. Just get to know him. Everything you mention is fixable. I don't mean he needs a makeover and you're the one to give it to him. I just mean that if you see him a few more times, you might come to see him in a different light.

Seeing him when he's not sweaty and greasy may make all the difference, or it may not. Getting to know him, might make him far more attractive physically than you find him now.

Even repulsive can grow on you. Before I met hubby, I was attracted to a coworker I thought was repulsive when I met him (and for several months afterward). He was a shy, strange uber-nerd with obsessive compulsive tendencies that were weird and a bit disturbing. We became friends and over time, repulsion became attraction (on my part, anyway).

I met hubby before anything romantic developed between me and uber-nerd (and I don't know if he found me attractive or had any romantic interest in me).

When I met hubby there was no spark and I didn't find him attractive in the least, and I was turned off by his mustache and clothing choice (that was harder to get over than the facial hair, but not as hard to get past than the smoking)..


You aren't obligated to go out with this guy, and you also aren't obligated to reject him either. Decide what you want to do, and do that. If you do decide to see him again, don't try to force feelings, just get to know him.

MarjorieMargarine
07-27-2013, 02:03 PM
I don't know...While I agree that a spark can form in time, it sounds like OP is really not feeling it at all with this guy. Sometimes I do think it's worth it to cut and run, as it were. There are also relationships I've had that I wish I would have been more picky at the beginning before emotions got involved. One guy I dated for a couple of years and I was never attracted to him. Not once. There were moments that he wasn't unattractive, I guess, but I liked his personality and thought he was funny. I tried to push myself to not be so "shallow" and get past his looks, but it made me feel even worse when I felt uncomfortable being seen with him or when we would be physical and it grossed me out. In the long run, he deserved to be with someone who found him attractive. That's kind of an extreme. Most people don't do that for two years, but sometimes it's ok to just think, "No, I don't want to be with someone this much older than I am/ who is really outside my comfort zone/ who I really find immediately unattractive." There are a lot of fish in the sea, and I just don't think there's only one person out there for everyone.

When it comes down to it, friends are great, but attraction just has to be there. I should have realized that after the first date, before he got really wrapped up in me and wasted his time. I understand that what some of you are saying is that at first you just didn't think he was your type. I think there's a difference between someone being "not your type" and someone being "really unattractive" to you for whatever reason.

BreathingSpace
07-27-2013, 03:28 PM
Thank you for your comments. Although he doesn't have my ideal personality for a man, he's certainly a good companion.
You told me that looks aren't important but shouldn't a man and a woman find each other physically attractive to some degree? I'm not fascinated by his appearance at all. He's not good looking and last time when we met, he was all in sweat due to hot weather and there was white cast on his face with sunscreen. His nose hairs were sticking out as well.. It was disgusting..
i know it's not his fault but once i saw those things it's much harder to be attracted to him. Probably that's why I don't feel a spark?? I'm not sure how this will go..

go out on 2 more "dates", if you still feel the same way, tell him you really enjoy hanging out with him AS FRIENDS. I suspect there is 0/10 physical chemistry between you and him.

I think what most people believe is that there should be 10/10 physical chemistry, when in fact, that is a bonus, but there should be about 6-7/10 so that there is room for an actual mental relationship to develop and it's not all about the physical stuff.