Weight Loss Support - Totally, 100% unsupportive spouse.




Mizeria
07-20-2013, 06:11 PM
This is about my husband. It seems like no matter what, he will do everything and anything in his power to make sure I fail, whether it be throwing a tantrum because I'm eating less than he is, constantly griping about not having "real food" A.K.A junk and bad for you foods, which I do keep in the house for him, constantly whining that he wants pizza or chinese take out (which I told him he could get but NOOOO because I'm not having any he just whines more) or like today, saying I can't go to the movies with him unless I either get popcorn or nachos, neither of which I want, and saying if I want anything to drink I MUST get a regular soda and not my usual diet soda.

I've known him for a decade, and he's 28 years old for crying out loud!

I know he's upset that I am dieting and is probably not used to it but he's acting like a CHILD! I have yet to give in or cheat on my diet, I just feel as though it's a matter of time with all his constant complaining.

I have tried telling him I really want to lose this weight and I'm doing it for my health but he tries feeding me garbage about how this diet doesn't work, this one, and that one, lots of carbs and sat. fats are really good for you and how diet soda really makes you fatter, household scales aren't accurate, weighing your food is stupid, etc.
(please no one crucify me for the diet soda, I know how bad for me it is, no need to rub it in)

Ugh I just need support from ANYONE at this point.


amandie
07-20-2013, 06:17 PM
Wow. Sounds like an ex-boyfriend of mine!

Stick to your guns!!!! You're doing great so far!

bargoo
07-20-2013, 06:21 PM
Men are so insecure. Your DH is probably afraid that you will get to goal and be attractive to other guys. This may be true but you don't have to act on it.


SuperHeroTeacher
07-20-2013, 06:33 PM
You are in charge of your body and what you consume. If you give into his manipulative demands you are helping to perpetuate the problem. If you don't feel like you have a choice but to give in to his demands, then it's emotional abuse.

If my hubs told me want I can and can't eat (in any situation) he'd quickly become the ex-hubs... Being in a relationship isn't about controlling your spouse, it's about supporting each other in a quest for a happy fulfilling life.

Mizeria
07-20-2013, 06:38 PM
Thanks, although since that post I may have cheated a little, and by a little I mean I ate 2 containers of 5 cal jello snacks that I didn't plan for today, mwahahahaha! I'M SO EEEEEVIL.


Anyway, I'm wondering if that's the case, him being insecure that is, or if he's genuinely upset that I want to lose weight and better myself (he's always had a thing for bigger ladies ). I just wish he was more supportive, I'm fine with cooking his dinner separate from mine, but the constant griping is getting to me. He also flips cookies if I mention calories or why I can't have something. I just don't get it >_<

Elladorine
07-20-2013, 06:39 PM
He's not my ex, is he? ;)

MissSMcC
07-20-2013, 07:15 PM
Elladorine, I may have dated him too!

geoblewis
07-20-2013, 07:37 PM
:hug:

Been there, done that, got the divorce papers to prove it.

Not saying that's where you'll end up. This is an opportunity for growth for both of you. But if only one of you grows, life gets super uncomfortable for the other one. Most people are together because they are emotionally evenly matched and they break up when one grows past that and the other one doesn't find value in the growth.

I don't want to scare you into quitting on your efforts just to save your relationship. You keep right on doing what you're doing. And keep on being your true self. That's the only way to be happy, whether you're in a committed relationship or not.

PalmBeach
07-20-2013, 08:20 PM
This is most definitely his own insecurity coming out in childish ways. He sees you being successful at having self-control & not giving in & he sees that as an attack on his own ego, because perhaps he would like to lose some weight too. He probably has some depression or personality issues that make it difficult for him to adapt to change. Especially life-changes that are beyond his control. Like you changing yourself into a healthy eater. It is quite common for individuals, esp men, to have difficult time adapting to change. & when it's regarding another person's success at weight loss, it can cause feelings of subconscious jealousy that they might not be aware of.

It is quite common for people that are losing weight to have loved ones or close friends become the "diet saboteurs" It's their problem not yours! You are doing great & they are a little bit green with envy & it makes them try to bring you down to their level. Don't give in! He's being selfish & childish... I'm sure if you google "how to deal with diet saboteurs" you will find some help with how to talk to them. Sorry I can't offer any specific... other than to just keep up the good work!

livelaughlovesunshin
07-20-2013, 08:26 PM
His behavior is so disgusting.
Stick to your guns!

Lizzyg
07-20-2013, 08:52 PM
You are in charge of your body and what you consume. If you give into his manipulative demands you are helping to perpetuate the problem. If you don't feel like you have a choice but to give in to his demands, then it's emotional abuse.

If my hubs told me want I can and can't eat (in any situation) he'd quickly become the ex-hubs... Being in a relationship isn't about controlling your spouse, it's about supporting each other in a quest for a happy fulfilling life.

Yes this! My husband has always been as supportive and helpful as he could (he has his own eating issues as well). I would not be ok with someone trying to control what I eat - it's a trigger to me to binge. I told my husband that I never want him to comment on what/how much I eat. I am an adult and can make my food decisions. Having people comment on what I eat makes me feel like I'm back in my childhood with my sisters saying stupid crap to me (which caused me to binge more).

But his "preference" for bigger women shouldn't force you to live a way you don't want to live.

I don't know. It's not something that I'd ever be ok with.

Aclai4067
07-20-2013, 08:56 PM
Have you tried asking him outright why he is being so unsupportive? It sounds like maybe your guys should discuss what exactly his issues with you losing weight are.

Song of Surly
07-20-2013, 09:02 PM
or like today, saying I can't go to the movies with him unless I either get popcorn or nachos, neither of which I want, and saying if I want anything to drink I MUST get a regular soda and not my usual diet soda.

Whaaaaat? I hope you promptly informed him that if he doesn't want to lose some teeth, he can promptly kiss your shrinking derriere.

We've all had partners that have one time or another not been the most supportive, but there's no way I could put up with some one that acted like that. This is more than just a lack of support. This is very controlling behavior.

lbsgobyebye
07-20-2013, 10:25 PM
This is EXACTLY what my boyfriend used to do. He did it for years, and ended up sabatoging many of my diets.

He finally came out and admitted that he was afraid of me getting thin because I'd get attention from other men and he was afraid I'd leave him.

Since then it's been better, but he still insists he knows better when it comes to what I should eat and how I should exercise. It's very irritating.

Your best bet is probably to tell him you'll leave him if he DOESN'T let you diet. Looking back, that's probably the only thing that would've maybe worked for my situation.

Amy Remixed
07-21-2013, 01:51 AM
Ask him why he's sabotaging your efforts to be healthy.

Wannabeskinny
07-21-2013, 08:27 AM
He may not agree with your healthy lifestyle adaptions but I don't understand why he's trying to control that. Why is this any of his business? Tell him he's neither your doctor, nor your father, nor your drill sargent and if he has a problem with your food choices he can go make love to a big mac. Seriously, what kind of arrangement do you guys have that he could think he could exert any kind of authority over that? And quit the double meal making. Make one meal and if he wants he can eat and if he doesn't want he can starve or go elsewhere to eat. Making separate meals for each of you only reinforces his attitude.

Mizeria
07-21-2013, 11:10 AM
Well, gals, I think his main problem is that he thinks I am starving myself.

We got into an accident on the 25th of May in his semi-truck, I was thrown from the bed in the back of the 18 wheeler and I completely severed my ACL, MCL and my medical meniscus was severed and ejected from my knee joint, these injuries make it literally impossible to do anything physical except maybe doing the dishes.

So, in light of not being able to exercise I consulted a nurse practitioner friend of mine who suggested that with my lack of movement in order for me to lose weight I should eat between 1000-1200 cals a day. In my husband's eyes, this is far too little.

We did go to the movies, and I did get my diet soda and nothing else, apparently he just wanted to complain about something at the time, because although he asked if I wanted something other than my soda, it wasn't a big deal that I said no.

I doubt that him constantly complaining or getting angry if I mention calories will stop, but I won this small battle.

pnkrckpixikat
07-21-2013, 02:14 PM
I would sit him down and talk to him about why it is important to you to lose the weight. Tell him you understand his concerns about your cals being too low but you have discussed it with a medical professional and that is the level they suggested.

Personally I would recommend staying on the 1200 side of that and not going lower unless you are going to a dr to monitor your various levels (not sure WHAT they monitor but I know going too low without a very balanced diet and supplements can lead to badness health wise) also make sure that 1200 cals are coming mostly from whole foods and not junk. Sounds like you are but keep it up!

PatLib
07-21-2013, 02:33 PM
Is he overweight as well? I had an ex-boyfriend like that once and a couple years later we had a cup of coffee and we talked about our break-up and he said that me losing weight made him feel criticized for not losing weight too. Like every time I complained about my fat I was complaining about his too.

Mizeria
07-21-2013, 03:36 PM
I typically stay within the 1100 cal range, I eat all organic, nonGMO fruits and veggies, chicken, egg whites etc and very little junk.. Actually none at all (I do love those little 90 calorie cookie packs, but only have them once a week), but I'm also taking LOTS of supplements.

I've explained to him why I want to lose the weight, to be healthier, and because next year once my surgeries for my knees are all payed off (what the insurance doesn't cover) and we are back up financially we are going to be seeing a reproductive endocrinologist, to hopefully get our family started. I'd hate for them to tell me everything is related to my weight, which a few of my friends have been told by their REs.

He has a few extra pounds, but really is not heavy or out of shape in the least.

Lizzyg
07-21-2013, 03:54 PM
Well, gals, I think his main problem is that he thinks I am starving myself.

We got into an accident on the 25th of May in his semi-truck, I was thrown from the bed in the back of the 18 wheeler and I completely severed my ACL, MCL and my medical meniscus was severed and ejected from my knee joint, these injuries make it literally impossible to do anything physical except maybe doing the dishes.

So, in light of not being able to exercise I consulted a nurse practitioner friend of mine who suggested that with my lack of movement in order for me to lose weight I should eat between 1000-1200 cals a day. In my husband's eyes, this is far too little.

We did go to the movies, and I did get my diet soda and nothing else, apparently he just wanted to complain about something at the time, because although he asked if I wanted something other than my soda, it wasn't a big deal that I said no.

I doubt that him constantly complaining or getting angry if I mention calories will stop, but I won this small battle.

I think that reaction is a little much but maybe just don't mention it to him anymore. If like at the movies or where ever he asks if you want X just say no, and leave it at that. You really don't have to give a reason and if you treat it in that way - that you said no and you don't need to explain why maybe he'll eventually stop acting immature about everything and being pushy about it. Because he really won't have anything to react to.

gagalu
07-21-2013, 04:18 PM
let him know he's crossing a boundary when he comments or tries to impede your progress. he's probably jealous of your drive. people are weird.

you'll get plenty of support here, though.

pnkrckpixikat
07-21-2013, 05:18 PM
Sounds like health wise you are taking a great course of action (and everyone needs some sort of treat sometimes :) ) and that you have already tried explaining things to him. So I would have to agree with lizzy if he asks if you want something or why you arent eating something leave calories and diet out of it and just tell him you dont feel like eating xyz right now but maybe later if you get hungry etc. It may take awhile but eventually he will get used to you limiting what you are eating and stop commenting on it. Once he sees how good you are doing and how happy it makes you he may even become more encouraging.

GMNEVO
07-21-2013, 06:41 PM
Don't give up!! Some men are just really insecure...when I first started I had huge issues with my bf in his mind I was going to get skinny to try to have sx with every man in the universe! It took him a few months but know he is really supportive :) I have lost 25 still feel like I look exactly the same but he is always giving me complements and making me feel better. Its not about being skinny its about being healthy!!

Wannabeskinny
07-21-2013, 06:47 PM
Yes, it is about health. Have you explained to your husband that with your injuries the extra weight makes it more painful? Does he want you to be in pain?

NJChick78
07-21-2013, 09:41 PM
Next time he whines, tell him "suck it up, Nancy!"

Vortex_VVV
07-21-2013, 09:53 PM
How I behaved in a similar situation: When you're not in the middle of a fight about eating, calmly explain your reasons for wanting to improve your health. Then tell him that you're tired of fighting about it, and that you're not going to fight any more.

Now, the hard part: After this, ignore his unwelcome behavior as much as possible. When he complains about you not eating something, smile as sweetly as you can and talk about something else (ideally to something of interest to him). Meanwhile, continue fixing your healthy meal as if no one said anything about it. If he says you can't come to the movies if you don't eat popcorn, suggest that the two of you go to see separate movies. Just don't engage.

I'm no expert, but this is a strategy that was suggested to me by a therapist years ago and I've used it in a parallel but different situation, with pretty good results, to break a cycle of repeated arguments about the same stupid thing.

Good luck.

kaplods
07-21-2013, 10:45 PM
Well, gals, I think his main problem is that he thinks I am starving myself...

I doubt that him constantly complaining or getting angry if I mention calories will stop, but I won this small battle.

Well, you don't have to mention calories.


My husband gets very anxious when I start talking "diety," especially if I show any distress or unhappiness over my choices. He starts to worry if I do not seem happy and calm about my choices.

If I seem happy and calm and nonchalant about my food, so is he. If I complain about what I "can't have," hubby starts to worry.

The other day I made the mistake of mentioning that I was following the Simple Diet and he got all worried about whether the diet was healthy or not, and I told him that I'd been following the diet for the past three weeks and he had seen what I was eating.

He calmed down immediately and said, "Oh, that's good, you've been eating really healthy lately.

Personally, I think Paleo is healthier than shakes and frozen dinners (even with the fruits and vegetables that are also required by The Simple Diet.

Hubby was impressed more because I wasn't skipping meals and was eating more like he does. Instead of eating frozen dinners and extra veggies, he eats ramen noodles with added veggies and protein, but the concept of taking a processes food and adding vegetables is similar enough for hubby to feel comfortable (as long as I'm comfortable).

I avoid complaining about any aspect of my dieting or hubby will feel the need to help me fix the "problem," whether I need or want the "fix."

If we go out to eat, I try not to let hubby see me doing the calorie math in my head and if I decide I want a salad, I tell him it's what "sounded best to me," rather than " it was the lowest calorie item on the menu that even remotely appealed to me."



If your hubby is a worrier, you may find that he'll relax if you can show him that you're relaxed. If you seem worried or stressed he may feel the need to fix things you don't see as broken.

Telling him to back off or that the subject just isn't open to discussion can work too of course, depending on how stubborn and/or how worried he is. In my case, hubby doesn't even notice what I'm eating unless I draw attention to it by using weight loss lingo like mentioning calories, carbs, or other diety words.

I almost laughed one night, when I made a huge, but low-cal salad, and hubby asked, "Are you really going to eat all that, what about your diet?"

I said, "I feel like splurging a little tonight," because I knew if I said anything about the salad's calorie count or that it was "on my diet" he would start worrying that I wasn't eating enough or that I needed more fat, carbs, or protein.

bigpinkbowz
07-22-2013, 05:48 PM
That's really sad that he cant be happy for you. Hes probably insecure about himself because you are doing what he doesnt feel he can do.

My boyfriend is currently on the change with me. Having his support means the world to me and helps this all become easier to cope with initially.


I hope he finds the means to begin supporting you. Stick with it!

novangel
07-22-2013, 07:58 PM
He's immature. The rest of the ladies already covered everything else I was thinking. Good luck.

Mizeria
07-22-2013, 08:01 PM
Thanks so much for all your replies.

I've honestly tried not talking about calories at all, but just seeing what I'm eating in comparison to him gets him going lol

He's been good the last few days, although that doesn't hide his sigh's of frustration.