Depression and Weight Issues - Is this really all there is?




View Full Version : Is this really all there is?


tubolard
07-20-2013, 08:00 AM
I apologize now for this post, it is long and stupid and no one should read it.


I get up every morning. Work out when I can. I clean the house, do laundry, feed the cat, Do dishes, budget the money, make out the bills on time, keep track of everyone's appointments, cook all the meals, take kids to wherever and work, etc. Basically I do everything for everyone.
In return? I get ignored when I ask a direct question, because the answer should have been obvious to me. I get ignored when the magic talking box is on, or a book is being read, or any other reason can possibly be found. I get yelled at by kids (2 teenagers) over the slightest thing. Everything is my fault according to the oldest. I ask hubby for help on an answer for anything and all I get is "I don't know". The list could go on and on but you get the idea.
I have severe insomnia, I take a combo of three different meds of anywhere from 3 to 5 pills just to attempt to get some sleep (under doctors supervision and approval). My pills scare me some nights, which sounds so stupid but they make me feel so out of control and creepy, I don't really know how to describe it, sigh. I beg hubby some nights, please don't go to sleep, just hold me until I fall asleep, just tonight. He never can, he always dozes off, snores and then tells me he didn't fall asleep. Whatever. He always falls asleep first, he "just can't stay awake". Unless there is something good on tv, or his book is at a good part, or anything else he wants to do.
I am so tired and so hurt and so angry. I honestly wish I could just lay down and die. I obviously suffer from depression and bi-polar and all other kinds of fun stuff and I am on medicine for them. But doctor and I don't think they are right anymore and so off to a psychologist/therapist I go. In mid August. I honestly don't know if I can hold on until then. I was going to call yesterday and beg them to get me in with him sooner, but it was 5:30 so it was too late and it seems like such a long time until Monday to try to get in sooner and mid August seems like forever away.
We went shopping and was getting drinks to take oldest to work, this was after being ignored after asking hubby a question that apparently I should have already known the answer to, and being told by my oldest kid that "I think I solve problems, but instead I just make things worse". He told me that in front of hubby by the way with no response from hubby. We were in the drive thru when I was told that and I just got out of the car, no purse, no phone, no money, no i.d. and walked away. I walked all the way across the little town we were in (took an hour in 90+ degree heat) and borrowed a phone to call hubby to tell him where I was at so he could pick me up and we could come "home".
We get home and it is all about how it is pretty (insert bad word here) of me to walk away like that. He didn't answer me because I should have already known the answer to the question I asked, so he didn't think he needed to answer me. But I should not have walked away, how he looked for me all over town and couldn't find me. He drove past me at least 2 times. I saw him and my youngest son go past. I stood there and looked straight at them as they drove past me. But they didn't see me in a bright blue shirt in the bright sunshine walking alone down the side of the road.
They never see me or hear me.
I wandered the house yesterday evening, trying to figure out how to die without it hurting too much. I cried and he knew it. I was cleaning up the fridge from where the tug spout leaked all over everything, into drawers, under shelves, all over in the fridge and he walked past and didn't say a word.
Some nights I cry myself to sleep and he knows and all I get is literally, "sorry". Not in a I love you let me try to help voice, just a flat, indifferent "sorry". Or my favorite, "what are you crying for this time?"
I try my best to keep things clean and nice, to make sure things are done right and that stuff is taken care of on time. I have been trying to be more affectionate to my hubby which he has said he doesn't get enough of, but why can't I get what I ask for?
I admit I am high maintenance because of the mental, well, I'll just call them issues. God knows I understand he has to be stressed and tired from work and our kids as well. But god help me if this is all there is to life. I don't want to continue in this.
I get no encouragement about anything, no credit for even a stupid joke I tell. Certainly no appreciation for keeping the house running as smooth as I can. I tell the kids off when they make snide remarks about their dad, I tell them how hard he works to support our family, I tell hubby how I know he works hard to support us and try to encourage him when he is down. I feel like I get nothing. Nada. Zilch.
I have no friends in real life, I haven't for 17 years, since I was breastfeeding my son in one room and my "friend" was propositioning my husband in the other. I don't have anyone I really talk to online. My parents are sick and when I talk to them about just little stuff they literally turn away and start talking to someone else while I am in mid sentence. My sister doesn't care about anything but her life. My kids don't want or need to hear me vent.
I am completely alone and I hurt so bad and I hate myself so much for crying about it all and for typing this out.
I managed not to cut last night but all I can think of is there is all day today to get through, at least until 8 p.m. until I feel like I can reasonably take my pills to try to make myself sleep. And I just don't feel like I am strong enough to make it through another day without cutting. Or screaming until my voice gives out.
I beg god to help me, but he doesn't listen.
I'd ask for prayers but I don't think I believe in prayer anymore.
I beg hubby to listen, he doesn't care either.
I shouldn't be typing this out but I have to get it off my chest somehow. I am not going to kill myself, I won't do that to my kids. I am just so tired of being here and feeling so alone.
So my question is this to anyone who will answer, Is this really all there is? Is this it? Nothing but hurt and tears and pain?

I am so sorry for this ending up as long as it did. I could type more but I will stop here.


Lizzyg
07-20-2013, 08:48 AM
:hug:

I have no idea what I can/should say. I just know that I could not "read and run". I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I am glad that you are under the care of physicians. But I do think that you can not wait until mid August. I hope that you will call again on Monday.

:hug:

LoriDawn
07-20-2013, 09:13 AM
Hi, my name is Lori. I was married for 21 yrs. to a man who is bipolar (he had two affairs, and left twice). He is still with the second woman. That was 6 yrs. ago, and we have four kids together. The youngest two live with me, plus my disabled daughter who is 23 and totally dependant on me.

Depression is a very hard thing to deal with, and I know my sister (who is also bipolar), has been so depressed that she just was looking forward to bed time, as she didn't want to be awake and dealing with anyone during the day.

I think you should try and see if you can get in earlier for sure to your Dr. I realize this is sometimes a hard thing to do, but tell them you are not doing well, and you need to be seen this coming week.

As for teenagers, they can be rude, selfish, and they certainly do not appreciate anything you do. I have raised three teens, and have one 17 yr. old now. (my 17 yr. old almost died in a car accident 8 months ago, and he too is suffering from depression right now). I do know how difficult teens can be though.

I think if you can find something to do on your own that you enjoy, that would be good. Perhaps a class, yoga, or something like that. My sister started going to yoga and she loves it! It gets her out of the house, and she feels good after going. Even going for a walk, or doing something else that you think you would enjoy. It might make you feel better, because your kids and husband certainly are not making you feel better!

Anyway, I know what I said may not make you feel better, but you do deserve to feel good! You deserve to be treated good by your family! Hang in there, and please call that Dr. next week.


Diana3271
07-20-2013, 09:26 AM
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. I agree, try to call again on Monday. Sending cyber {{hugs}} and love your way. I will say a prayer for you. I do believe in the power of prayer. I truly hope things turn around for you. Just know that there are people out there that care and you are not alone. {{hugs}}

NJChick78
07-20-2013, 09:50 AM
You are responsible for your own happiness. Do not depend on others to make you happy. See a professional therapist for help right away.

Also, go on netflix and watch The secret. Find some books on positive thinking.

MariaMaria
07-20-2013, 02:29 PM
Call again on Monday. And tell us that you've done it, please.

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. Hang in there.

ninae
07-20-2013, 02:47 PM
Please call your dr. on Monday to get that appt moved up. Make it clear - as best you can - that you need help right now, not only in a month's time.

I hope you'll be feeling better about things very soon.

MamaApril
07-20-2013, 03:11 PM
Sometimes, you just need to get away. Have you thought about a vacation by yourself? If you're gone for a week, maybe your family will see how much you really do for them and they will appreciate you more. There IS more to life... you just have to hang in there. I hope you get the answers you're looking for and your doctor can help you out. Please take care of yourself and when all else fails, just keep coming here to 3FC where you know people truly care about you. Big, BIG hugs to you.

Kayles
07-20-2013, 03:26 PM
I hate to think of you feeling so trapped by your situation. You're husband sounds like he needs a reality check. Unfortunatly your teens are just being disrespectful teens, and I feel horrid when I think of how I treated my parents when I was that age.
Is there anyway you could book some time away from everything for yourself. Maybe in a hotel or a safehouse. Just get some time away to really pick yourself back up and give the family a chance to see just how much you do for them.
I agree with the other posters that you need to call your doctor asap, and dont let the receptionist brush you off, make sure you get seen on Monday, they can make time!!
I've been taking meds for bipolar for nearly 6 years now, and thankfully I seem to have found the right meds and have a doctor I can trust, maybe you need to change medications. Once I got on the ones I'm taking now it felt like I could breath again and things don't look bad anymore. I know what it's like to think that things are pointless, but they will improve.
We're all here for you, I hope you keep us updated, Hugs x

geoblewis
07-20-2013, 03:33 PM
http://www.ebtgroups.com/

Totally changed my life. Very effective.

missunshine
07-20-2013, 03:33 PM
totally agree with mamaApril...take some time off, go on a vacation without explaining yourself and you'll feel so much better.
but if i were you i would print that post and leave it for them to read or send it to them by email without saying anything. maybe after they read it they will se how serious the situation is. it doesn't matter if your kids are teenagers they should be respectful and supportive.

IAmTheGlue
07-20-2013, 05:22 PM
It sounds to me like your husband is a major jack@ss. He is not treating you like a wife should be treated. Period.

I agree with the previous posters that you should get in to see your meds dr ASAP just to make sure they are aware of how you are feeling and verify if they need to be adjusted.

Having said that, I think you need to see a talk therapist. Someone who will listen and help you sort out everything you are feeling and exactly where you are headed in this life.

I have a diagnosis of BiPolar, Major Depressive, OCD and I really felt like for most of my adult life that something was wrong with ME, that I needed to take all these pills to be *fixed* so that I was happier or a *normal* person. Well, guess what? I was married to a major jack@ss. And the truth of the matter is that when I got out of that bad marriage, I am fine.

I am remarried and my husband has my back. There is not another person in this world who loves me or supports me the way he does. I can be wrong all day long and he *still* will defend me to the death. If one of my kids raised their voice at me or back talked to me, he responds before I do that they are in trouble for disrespecting their mother. It is not negotiable that they treat me with respect.

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but HONESTLY, anybody who had to live in a situation where you are not being properly valued nor respected would feel the way you do. I hope your husband opens his eyes soon and realizes what he has in you. Marriage is a partnership and it seems to me that he is not meeting your needs despite you doing everything in your power to meet his.

tubolard
07-20-2013, 10:40 PM
Thank you all for the replies.
I called the suicide hotline this afternoon, I have never done that before no matter how bad it got. I had to do something though. How pathetic am I that the woman I was talking to, mid bawling, sobbing story about how no one listens to me, no one cares enough to talk to me, I was pouring out my heart to her about the abuse as a child and all the crap I have been through and no joke, she asks to put me on hold so she can answer this other call. As soon as she went to the other line, I hung up. I truly hope she thinks I died and she is responsible for it. Crap, not even the suicide prevention people want to talk to me.
I called the clinic today just on the off chance someone might be there. It was 3:10 p.m., they closed at 3:00. If I hadn't wasted my time on the hotline I would have called them but it was after she put me on hold and I hung up that I tried the clinic. Sigh.
I cried until I ran out of tears. Then dry cried. Then got more tears, then dry cried. I have cried so much today that my sides and chest hurt.
Me and hubby had a talk, after I felt like I had been blamed for being upset at being ignored and everything else in life that is going wrong, I cut myself in front of him. I have never done that before either. It was bad, so bad. I cut deeper than I usually do in my frustration, blood dripping, he was so upset about it. I don't even care. He deserves to feel a little bit of the anguish I feel.
I don't know what to do. I would love to go somewhere but we are beyond broke and I have absolutely no one and no where to go to. Life sucks and I am tired of playing this stupid game of life.
I just wanted to let you guys know I was still kicking, however feebly, tonight and I will try to let you guys know what happens if anyone is interested.

EatMoreCelery
07-20-2013, 11:48 PM
~Hugs~

Keep posting. It's good to get your feelings and thoughts out.

It seems you have more going on in your life than you can handle right now. I think it would be wise to seek some professional advice and perhaps get on some medication to get you through this difficult time. Do call the clinic first thing Monday morning. You're suffering way too much and it doesn't need to be that way.

I feel for you and wish you had more support at home.

Oh, and don't give up on the hotline ... they just need to answer all calls and sometimes the lines get busy.

Sheena82
07-21-2013, 05:12 AM
We have a lot of mental health issues in our family with a good spattering of bi-polar disorder. Help from your care provider in managing your dosage is essential, talking therapy and CBT are a good way of dealing with the self harm. Are you sure you don't have any other complications? My mum has ADHD which was diagnosed much later and it helped to explain quite a few things.

The suggestions here about picking up something outside of the house are fantastic, my mum gelt so much better when she went back to do here degree, it gave her a social life and respect from her peers which really bolstered her confidence.

Now dont take anything i am about to say the wrong way. My mum was diagnosed with bi-polar years after i left the house, we had a very difficult relationship and none of her kids really understood what was going on with our mum. We didnt understand the moods, the frustration and despair. We ended up thinking mum was just selfish. This obviously wasnt the case but as a teen you are self involved and pretty resistant to other peoples pain, especially your own parents sometimes. I am sure your children love you immensly, despite what they say to you they love you. Its important to remember that.

Groundrules must be established, saying stuff about either you or your husband is not ok. Have you considered couples therapy so you can discuss how you feel with your husband in a positive environment? I adore my husband but i suffered from depression for years, therapy has done amazing things for our relationship, we never fight now because we understand each other better, i havent self harmed in over a year because the therapy helped me to challenge my own thoughts.

I am really sorry you are in so much pain, it can get better, this doesnt have to be all there is xxx

ninae
07-21-2013, 12:29 PM
Thank you all for the replies.
...
I just wanted to let you guys know I was still kicking, however feebly, tonight and I will try to let you guys know what happens if anyone is interested.

How are you feeling today? Would you check in with us so we know you're still around? :hug:

Diana3271
07-21-2013, 12:30 PM
Hi again! :wave: I wanted to check back in on you. :hug: Thank you for posting again, last night. Please call the hotline again and call your Dr's office tomorrow. Still keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you come back to check this thread today and let us know how you are doing. :hug:

BettyBooty
07-22-2013, 08:28 AM
OP, can you just go to the emergency room, or call 911, considering you are cutting yourself [badly, by your own admission]? My heart goes out to you, and you are in serious need of help STAT.

tubolard
07-23-2013, 01:39 PM
Sorry it took so long to get back on here.
I called the clinic, no chance of getting in early but I am on the call list if someone cancels. I feel better today, not so out of control. My kids both are in therapy, oldest is being tested for different disorders, youngest was going but the therapist said he was good to just come to family therapy with the rest of us right now, and as I said I am waiting for my first appointment, with a different therapist than the family and my son go to. I am glad to be seeing someone else because I don't want there to be overlap in what gets talked about, you know?
I really appreciate that so many of you cared enough to respond to me. I can't tell you how much it means to know that even though you don't know me, you still reached out to me to try to help.
I will be glad to go see him and get some help and get my medicine straightened back out. Not to mention being able to just puke all the pain up. Sorry for that picture, but that is how I see therapy, you vomit up the pain until there isn't anything to vomit up anymore. Weird I know.
I am scared to tell him everything that I think and feel and have been through. I am scared he will commit me to a hospital and throw away the key, but I am going to anyway. I decided to tell him everything I can think of so maybe he can actually help me with this crap. But I am still scared. Sigh.

Harriette
07-23-2013, 02:00 PM
I am so sorry you are going through all this. PLEASE do not stop asking for help. Keep going to your Dr, find another therapist, call hotlines, anything to ask for help. Yes, if you tell them all you have said here they might decide to put you somewhere to be watched but that may be the best thing that ever happened to you. I have friends with mental imbalances and a few times they have ended up in hospitals in order to get their medications correct and their mood stabilized. This is far far better than having someone (you) take their life or harm themselves because they are not in a good place.
Keep coming here too. Many of us may not completely relate to your problems but we ALL understand having issues that cause us pain and suffering.

ninae
07-23-2013, 06:03 PM
It's GOOD to hear from you!

Well done for phoning up and getting it out there that you really do need help.

I remember my (first - oh dear) 'breakdown'. The idea of telling my 'story' to a stranger was horrific. But it had gotten so bad that the need to get it out of myself became stronger than the fear of what anyone might think. I think your image of vomiting it up is an apt one.

Now you know that there are 'strangers' here who do care about you, and are concerned - don't be a stranger! Come back here as often as you can to let us know you're still around. Doesn't have to be much. :hug:

EatMoreCelery
07-23-2013, 07:57 PM
Glad you made it back to give us an update, and it sounds like you're headed in the right direction.

~hugs~

Diana3271
07-23-2013, 09:44 PM
Hi :hug: I'm glad you came back to check in and give us an update. Please do share everything with your new Dr. That's the only way they can help. I truly hope things start getting better for you. :hug:

Lolo70
07-23-2013, 10:35 PM
I hope you are doing better and getting your meds adjusted will help you pull through and get a more positive outlook. Sometimes things look very dark without hope, but somehow life has the power to go on and see better days. Anyways, if you are in doubt about where the problem is, I once met somebody with well hidden problems. What opened my eyes and made me move on was a book called "The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond". He later found help for his specific problem by joining a AAA-like group therapy. I am not sure whether something like this exists for your needs. But it may provide support from people who know exactly what you are dealing with.

tubolard
07-24-2013, 01:37 PM
Family therapy last night. SIGH.
It was wonderful, snort. Not.
The therapist lady looked at me, told me she was going to pick on me and then said I talk too much so nobody listens so I talk more to try to make them listen to me? Everyone, hubby and 2 kids just sat and nodded in agreement. Ouch. I didn't expect anything out of kids, they are kids, but for hubby to sit and agree with her, while at home he tells me he wants me to talk to him? I am so confused. So I am not supposed to talk? Even in therapy? It will be a different guy I see for my therapy thankfully, but I don't understand where she is going with this. sigh.
I was feeling better but now I just feel like if I say more then 2 words to anyone in my house it is too much. I know I am extra sensitive right now so I am trying to chalk it up to that but it is just hard.

meandu
07-25-2013, 02:32 PM
We all need to take care of ourselves or we can't take care of others. Try to get in to see your doctor soon. Take a break for yourself each day, let the hubby and kids do for themselves for awhile.

NoCheesePlease
07-25-2013, 03:14 PM
Hi there.

I was reading through your posts, and I just wanted to say that you are not totally alone. I am bipolar as well and have had tendencies in the past to cut/self-harm and so forth. I know I felt totally crazy at times because of it. The most important thing is that you have recognized this is not a way to truly live and you are taking the right steps towards getting healthier and on the right track. It is very challenging, and I have had to go through several doctors and different meds to find the right balance. As a matter of fact, I still haven't figured out the right combination of meds. I have trouble sleeping all the time. But, the fact that you are hanging in there and working at it will make a difference in the long run. I wish I had some sort of miracle cure that would just instantly melt away all of the inner demons I deal with, but I haven't found one yet. Stay the course. Perhaps you and your personal therapist will be able to lay out some personal goals just for yourself. Sometimes it helps to keep that stuff to yourself, and write in a journal or share on this board or maybe disclose with a family member outside of your immediate family. I have learned that sometimes people can't always deal with the pressure of seeing a dearly loved one struggle, so they shut it off. It isn't helpful to the situation, but it is their way of dealing with it.

One small bit of advice in the interim before you meet with your new therapist, get yourself out of the house as often as possible. Sometimes being cooped up in the same four walls (even if there is always stuff to do to stay busy) makes you more irritable and dependent upon the rest of the family to give you some sort of escape from your own head. Even if you don't have a lot of friends to go out with, there are other things you can get involved in. Start volunteering at your library, pet refuge, etc. Even a few hours a week will make a difference. Take a class...anywhere. Ask if you can audit a class at a local community college if you don't have money to enroll, take a cooking/cakedecorating class, dance class, CPR class...anything. It will give you something to do to take your mind off of other things troubling you. Even if you aren't a "social butterfly" which I am definitely not, force yourself to do something out of your comfort zone. You will find that once you do that one thing, you will feel more confident to do other things. If nothing else, find a local coffee shop/cafe that you can take a stack of books or your journal and sit there for an hour or so. Even if you feel you are too busy, if you work at it, you can find an hour for yourself. For your own health, take some time for yourself. Keep us updated and good luck at your next therapy meeting.:)

shantroy
07-25-2013, 09:17 PM
Thank you all for the replies.
I called the suicide hotline this afternoon, I have never done that before no matter how bad it got. I had to do something though. How pathetic am I that the woman I was talking to, mid bawling, sobbing story about how no one listens to me, no one cares enough to talk to me, I was pouring out my heart to her about the abuse as a child and all the crap I have been through and no joke, she asks to put me on hold so she can answer this other call. As soon as she went to the other line, I hung up. I truly hope she thinks I died and she is responsible for it. Crap, not even the suicide prevention people want to talk to me.
I called the clinic today just on the off chance someone might be there. It was 3:10 p.m., they closed at 3:00. If I hadn't wasted my time on the hotline I would have called them but it was after she put me on hold and I hung up that I tried the clinic. Sigh.
I cried until I ran out of tears. Then dry cried. Then got more tears, then dry cried. I have cried so much today that my sides and chest hurt.
Me and hubby had a talk, after I felt like I had been blamed for being upset at being ignored and everything else in life that is going wrong, I cut myself in front of him. I have never done that before either. It was bad, so bad. I cut deeper than I usually do in my frustration, blood dripping, he was so upset about it. I don't even care. He deserves to feel a little bit of the anguish I feel.
I don't know what to do. I would love to go somewhere but we are beyond broke and I have absolutely no one and no where to go to. Life sucks and I am tired of playing this stupid game of life.
I just wanted to let you guys know I was still kicking, however feebly, tonight and I will try to let you guys know what happens if anyone is interested.

((Hugs)) I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.

As someone who works on a suicide hotline, we do care. But we are required to answer every call that comes in on the lines. If the individual we are speaking with is not suicidal, we are required to answer the incoming call. There are nights where if we're short staffed and it's a busy night I'm juggling 2 or 3 callers as are the other workers. It's not because we don't care, I've cared about every one of my callers, but I have to make sure everyone is safe. I'm sorry the crisis operator wasn't able to help. Try calling again, you'll likely get someone else. Please know, we do the work we do because we care. ((HUGS))

jiffypop
07-25-2013, 09:36 PM
Just wanted to add a hug and some support to you. I'm thrilled that you're getting help - and that you realize how important it is to get your own therapist. I've never found group therapy helpful, but mostly because I'd spent almost my whole life listening to others that I had no voice, no presence, felt invisible. but that's just me.

Any step you can make to feel in control is GREAT. Acknowledging the good things you've done, or the kindness you've shown, or, geez, just anything can help you to step away from the pain [been there - honest!]. And therefore, I'm going to ask you to make ONE change.

Please consider changing your screen name here. tubolard is NOT a positive name. and it's not even true. you weigh less than 170? you've lost 68 pounds - be PROUD of that. OWN the fact that you're heading for great health and a bikini bod.

I'll try to keep checking in along with the others - so many of us have walked similar paths [not the same, of course, but the results and the feelings are similar]

Kaitie9399
07-26-2013, 01:25 AM
I would like to answer your original question of 'Is this really all there is?

No, this isn't all there is. This life is a mere moment when compared to the eternities. I know life is difficult at the moment. I know how you feel about being ignored--I absolutely detest it when I feel like no one is listening to me. Try to focus on at least one really good thing that is happening during your day. Look for the positives when you're feeling blue. I know that prayer does work and I know that there are several people at mormon.org who would talk to you about prayer and helping your family to grow closer together. Find the good in your life and cling to that when times get tough.

Hang in there, life gets better.

shellyyyyb
07-26-2013, 02:12 AM
I've been through such similar things. You are valuable no matter what anyone says/does! If you ever need to vent, feel free to message me!

Love,
Shelly

starbrite
07-26-2013, 07:16 AM
:hug: keep coming back here. People can really help and listen. Don't give up.

pumpkinheads
07-26-2013, 02:07 PM
I've read through your posts, and really wish I could just give you a hug.

Since I can't, I feel this is the next best thing. I want to recommend a book written by a man that felt much like you do. While out on a walk one day, he made the conscious decision to start paying attention to the things that were right in his life, and to be thankful for them. He wrote and sent a thank-you note every single day for one full year. The positive impact this small act had on his life was immeasurable.

Because of this book, every night while in bed before I fall asleep I think of 3 things that happened during my day that I am grateful for. They may be simple things like a little boy holding the door open for me at the grocery store, or that car that slowed down to allow me to switch lanes, or that a new recipe that I tried for the first time tasted good...anything I can hang on to that happened that same day that is worth noting. There is often so much goodness that happens that goes unaccounted for...this forces me to acknowledge and benefit from at least 3 positives daily.

The title is "A Simple Act of Gratitude: How Learning to Say Thank You Changed My Life" by: John Kralik and it's $10 on amazon (there are used copies for 80 cents!).

MarjorieMargarine
07-26-2013, 10:15 PM
I wanted to throw in that I also know where you're coming from. Not exactly, of course, because I'm not you, but I know the feeling.

I really want to encourage you, along with some of the other people who have posted here, to get out of the house.

Meaning is not something that you can find, it's something you have to make for yourself. Do you have a job? Now that your kids are older, I know there is still a ton of household stuff that can keep you running all day, but maybe you should just say, "You guys are almost adults now. We are having some financial problems and I am going to get a job. If you want clean dishes and clothes, you're going to have to wash them." And then do it. And stick to it. Plus, I bet you could find a job doing something that you feel great about- even if it's not a lot of money at first. Like working for a veterinary clinic as a receptionist, or an old folks' home. I even found that when I was a waitress, there was a great zen and meaning to feeding people, and many of the elderly people who came into the diner might not have an interaction with another person all day.

If a job is not the issue, consider volunteering. It doesn't have to be much or super organized. Make a casserole for someone who's sick, or go walk dogs at the humane society for an afternoon.

I have found that when I am the most depressed, I am too focused on myself.

More than anything, you are a warm body, with skills and talents and brains and hands. If you don't want to live for yourself anymore, live for someone else, put that body to good use.

And don't forget that no matter how unappreciated you might feel, you brought these two amazing people into this world, and you also have nurtured a difficult relationship for many years.

As for your sleeping problems, I'm sure you've tried everything, but for me, one of the things that helps is to make a list of things I'm worrying about that are keeping me awake and then "postpone" worrying about them until the morning. Also, if I get into a rut of not being able to sleep, I stay up really late one night- not laying in bed fretting, but doing something- cleaning, working, even watching TV (but not in bed)- and then wake up at the normal time the next day or early. Then, by the next night, it kind of resets your schedule because you're so tired.

Please know that people are thinking of you.

patns
07-27-2013, 01:17 AM
I have been debating about posting on this thread as I don't have these issues myself but my grown son does.

He has been taking some supplements for several years that have helped tremendously. He takes then in addition to his prescribed meds.
They are called True Hope/Empowerplus. Google the book A Promise of Hope by Autumn Stringham.

tubolard
07-27-2013, 01:31 PM
Just letting you all know I am still here. Still depressed but then I am always depressed, counting down the days until therapy starts and just trying to keep it together until then.
I painted a wall in my house next to my desk a pretty peachy color, got a s.a.d. light that I use in the morning (with doctors blessing) and just trying to breathe.

carolr3639
07-27-2013, 02:09 PM
tubloard, I rarely read much other than IE and WATP but I saw your name and stopped. I feel so bad for you. Since my stroke in April, I have struggled. I believe in prayer, too, and sometimes that's the only thing that helps.

BleuMaus
07-27-2013, 02:39 PM
I want to start off in saying your not alone. I have been in that place before, not sure if im out of that place. But what i have found is that i needed a life outside of family.

I have had thoes thoughts, kill myself, what if i got into this horrable accident, would they notice me then?

I never really found ways out of it. I never had any medication, perhaps thats my own fault, but you are much stromger than me to face your demons head on. I envy you and wish you the best

jiffypop
07-27-2013, 04:10 PM
progress! the peachy color sounds lovely, and the sad light may help. hope you ARE getting some natural sunlight. one step at a time, darlin. glad you're taking some action here.

novangel
07-27-2013, 07:04 PM
I read through all of this and I definitely know how you're feeling...I have to ask you though, is it really you that's the "problem" or is it your husband? I think you're frustrated and crying out more so by how emotionally unavailable he is and it sounds like a loveless marriage. That would make anyone horribly depressed especially if you already have issues with depression in the first place. Take a good look at your marriage with 20/20 vision. I think you will find answers you're looking for. No, this isn't all there really is.

Good luck with the Doctor appointment. :hug:

Seashell84
07-31-2013, 09:05 AM
I read this and had to reach out. :hug: I have gone through periods in life where I could have written this post myself (minus the kids). It is so hard and frustrating. It's taken me several days to decide to post this because I wasn't sure you are in a place where hearing this would be helpful. I am writing this because I struggled (still do) with many of the same issues. These are just some things I did that really made a huge difference in my life and actually helped lift me out of depression. First though, I just want to say if you are feeling suicidal, please go to the ER. Don't wait to make an appointment with your therapist. I have a friend who is severely depressed. She tried to commit suicide and her husband took her to the ER. They saved her life. She said they were so kind and caring, they really took good care of her. Please talk to your husband and let him know how serious this is. If you are cutting in front of him and talking about killing yourself, he needs to make you go to the ER, or call an ambulance if you won't go.

First of all, I am not saying that you are a bad person or that the issues rest entirely with you. The truth is we can only improve ourselves. We can't make anyone else change. You sound like a wonderful caring mom and wife.:) I also went through that same issue with trying to talk to my husband about feelings, problems, etc in bed. I also got extremely angry and hurt when he fell asleep, thinking that meant that he didn't care. Then one day someone told me that if you go around assuming the worst of other people's intentions, feelings, and motives you are really being unkind and judgmental and it is just setting you up for unhappy relationships. So from then on I tried to see things from my husband's perspective. He is laying in a warm comfortable bed after working all day. He's exhausted. It's only inevitable that he will fall asleep. I realized that if the tables were reversed and I fell asleep while he was talking about his day, problems, and feelings, it would not be because I don't care. It would be because I was tired and couldn't help it! So from that point forward I decided not to bring problems into bed. Bed is for sleep and being intimate. It should be a positive only zone. This not only greatly improved our marriage, but I also sleep better! There is a time and a place for everything. Grocery shopping may not be the best time to talk to your family about something you feel is important. We set up a time where we can talk about our problems and feelings. Just a few minutes a few times a week. Maybe you and your husband can do this. Just realize, if you are talking to him about things you are concerned about, you need to be willing to listen to him. If you don't, you shut off a line of communication and make him feel alone and alienated, just like you do when you feel he doesn't listen to you. It needs to be an interchange, not a one sided conversation. I am not saying you do this, but it is something to be watching out for. When we are depressed we have a tendency to focus on ourselves. If we do this, no one will want to be around us. Don't focus on how you always make dinner for your family and they never thank you for it. Focus on the fact that you are creating nutritious meals for your loved ones. See it as a sacrifice of love. Try to see meaning in the things you do. And think about how often you thank your husband for working hard all day. Or for the times he does listen to you. How often do you thank your kids when they do something for you. If you do this, I bet you will hear it more often. It is so true that you catch more bees with honey. I know there were times when I wouldn't have listened to myself if the roles were reversed. Oh and if you get upset if your husband doesn't defend you to your kids, you have to let him know that it hurts your feelings. He isn't a mind-reader. Also beware of the way you speak to him. Don't just say “You never listen to me!” Say something along the lines of “My feelings really got hurt when you … because I felt ...” Don't focus on his action, focus on how it made you feel. He will be much less likely to feel attacked and defensive. When I work hard to apply these things to my marriage it runs smoothly and happily. When I don't, communication breaks down and we have more fights.

Now, I mentioned I don't have kids, but I just want to say I was doing my own laundry by grade 4 or 5. I was also cooking simple meals. If I wanted clean clothes, I had to wash them myself. My parents weren't going to do it for me. My mom worked nights and my dad worked days. My dad left for work about an hour before we got up (I was the youngest, my bro was like 12, plus we lived in the country and the next door neighbor who had a kid just a year younger than me watched out for us) and my mom was asleep when we got home. We had to feed, bathe and clothe ourselves and get out the door in time to catch the school bus. We also had to make dinner for the whole family nearly every night. If we didn't do our homework, we got a bad grade. Our parents didn't stand over our shoulder making us do it. I am not saying this is an ideal situation, my point simply is, if your kids are teenagers they can and need to start doing more for themselves. They are old enough to do their own laundry, help with dinner, even make a meal by themselves once or twice per week. Teach them how to shop for and cook nutritious meals, how to take care of themselves. You will have a lot more time to do things you enjoy/take care of yourself and they will be learning how to survive on their own, which helps them feel accomplished now, and will help them to succeed later in life. If you do this make sure you talk to your husband beforehand and get his support, ask him to back you up when/if they complain about it.

And I agree with the person who said getting a job, preferably service related, or volunteering is wonderful. It gives you such a sense of accomplishment, you feel better about yourself, and you have a period of time where you are focused on helping others, instead of focusing on your own problems. A gratitude journal is also great if you like to journal. You write three things you are thankful for each evening. It can be anything. “My hair looked good today” “The birds sang beautifully.” “My kids are healthy.” It really helps change your mindset from looking for things that are going wrong in your life, to seeing how wonderfully blessed you really are.:)

jiffypop
07-31-2013, 12:43 PM
a whole lot of wisdom and experience, seashell. my turning point was similar - the only person i could do anything about was ME, and while on the one hand i had to protect myself from my bizarre, crazy family [who all think that they're normal functioning human beings], on the other hand, i had to open myself up to the good in the world. and more important, i had to stop being so hard on myself!

i started asking myself a couple of REALLY HARD Qs:

1. what would i say to a friend who brought these issues to me? would i be encouraging or would i lecture her/him? would i listen or judge? and so on - with the goal of treating myself the way i would treat a friend. and I realized that i would NEVER treat a friend as badly as i treated myself [quite the eye opener!]

2. and because i felt i had no voice, i would ask myself WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? and i would do NOTHING unless it was a conscious choice to do something that i WANTED to do. Do i want to go to a movie? stay home and read? take a nap? talk to someone? it didn't matter - as long as i made a conscious, POSITIVE choice instead of spinning my wheels with a lot of mental gymnastics that were getting me nowhere and definitely NOT contributing to my happiness or well being.

did this happen overnight? oh heck no - but every time i made a positive step, i reminded myself of it -

ninae
07-31-2013, 04:49 PM
Just letting you all know I am still here. Still depressed but then I am always depressed, counting down the days until therapy starts and just trying to keep it together until then.
I painted a wall in my house next to my desk a pretty peachy color, got a s.a.d. light that I use in the morning (with doctors blessing) and just trying to breathe.

Hey, how are you? Check in and let us know :) :hug:

ShyHeather
08-03-2013, 06:38 PM
Reading through all your posts, I have to say that I hope that you do honestly tell your new therapist about everything. This includes the 'family' therapy.

I don't think the female therapist is in the right, just from what I read.

I know it is scary, and I have been there with the therapist, and spilling the beans on my life. It is not easy and sometimes coming clean one session at a time really helps!!!

I don't think he will lock you away and throw away the key if you are honest, and truthful about your feelings, and about your everyday life. Also, remember, he cannot get a good idea of what is going on if you're not open. Also, I think a MAJOR issue that needs to be addressed, and didn't seem to be addressed by the female family therapist is that you feel invisible. Feeling that way is not good.

I spent many years thinking, 'Who would even know or care that I died? Bet no one would realize I was dead for a day or two.' I was wrong though. I realized some people saw me, and made me realize I am important to the every day scheme of life.

Please, keep updating everyone and keep going. If I missed this, I am sorry, but write journal entries every single day. If you start having really negative feelings, write them down, and write what triggered them. Teenagers can be heartless, soul sucking beings because they 'know it all' and are being rebellious. Given, not all are like that, but watching my own sister. I know it to be true. Plus, I was no saint, but I loved my mom and stopped her from fading from the world...

Hang in there. :hug: Things will get better.

Batampte
08-06-2013, 11:18 PM
OMG OP you are me! I feel ya.

Rhiko
08-07-2013, 12:22 AM
I hope this finds you feeling a little better about your situation. Don't apologise for your post because you've done absolutely nothing wrong. If we were meant to shoulder burdens on our own, we wouldn't have ears or mouths in order to share with others what is bringing us down.

I haven't read all of the advice you have been given, but, from my experience on this forum so far, I know it will be great advice. Unfortunately, I can't entirely relate to what you are going through except for the case of feeling ignored. I used to feel ignored all the time (I still do sometimes) and I know it's tough feeling alone. I wonder, though, if it stems from you doing too much for your family instead of sharing the burdens of housework and personal responsibility. I understand that it's a maternal instinct to know what people are doing all the time (because I always like to know), but it's their responsibility to get there AND to help around the house.

Anyway, I don't want to upset you and make myself out to be a bad person. I only want you to feel happier about life and come out the other end feeling the total opposite you are now! The suggestion to see a therapist sooner rather than later is good advice. I would like to throw in as well that taking a vacation, on your own, for a week or two would be a great idea for you. No cell phone, no kids, no husband. Just you at a resort or somewhere that requires a long flight, to get away and sort out your own head. This should leave your family appreciating you more too! I'm sure they are all capable of looking after themselves while you are gone, even if they don't think they can survive without you! :lol:

sunshinesmile
08-07-2013, 01:16 AM
:hug: <<HUGS>> make yourself happy.... Therapy, vacation, whatever it takes... You need to look after yourself... First and foremost!

KayMaxim
08-23-2013, 01:12 AM
I am sorry it is so tough for you. I have to share what has helped me. I have started meditation and over time it does help.

jazzii
08-27-2013, 01:41 PM
I am not in any way being mean when I say this but are you a push over? It sounds as if you allow this to continue. I'm sorry but you need to put an end to this.... start with the hubby!!

Teenagers are wacky to begin with so you need the hub on your side and you need his support. I would recommend counseling for the both of you.

Have you ever considered leaving?

tubolard
08-28-2013, 01:53 PM
Have you ever considered leaving?

LOL almost everyday.

tubolard
08-28-2013, 02:23 PM
Sorry I haven't checked in for so long, just trying to avoid stressful places for a while. This is such a garbled mess of a post, good luck to you all, lol.

I have been to therapy twice now, I get the feeling I am too much for him already, sigh. Just the way he looked at me as I was just rattling off some of what I have been through in my life made me think he was almost scared of me, lol. It isn't funny and I really hope it is just me thinking that way and it isn't really the truth. Even if he is scared of me he will just have to deal with it, because I haven't even gotten started yet.
He has given me some paperwork to read and to have hubby read and I can definitely identify myself in a lot of it so far, but a 45 minute session every other week isn't very long. He said he would really like to be able to see me at least once a week but that there just isn't enough time, I know there are so many other people needing help so I will make it be ok. I told him some things I was worried about him locking me up and tossing the key and it was ok, he said whatever I said was fine and unless I was a danger he wouldn't do anything but try to help me.
I see another person for medication stuff at the clinic where I go to therapy but I can't see her until the last week of October, sigh, so I will just have to muddle through until then, hopefully they can get me worked in before that though.
Hubby read the papers and actually learned some things! He said he didn't understand why I did some of what I do but after reading he gets it a little better and can see why I react the way I do. He was sad because he thought I was mostly over my childhood/young adult traumas and didn't realize I have just been swallowing the pain and anger until it erupts at the slightest thing. He has been trying harder it seems since reading them to help me more so I hope that continues. My therapist guy wants hubby to come with me next time, and hubby said absolutely, he will do whatever it takes to get me help! My hubby doesn't miss work for anything, ever. So for him to agree to take a day off, not half a day but a whole day, so he can go to therapist with me and then spend the rest of the day with me is, I don't even know the word I am looking for. I told him to let me explain it later if therapist says something that upsets him and he said he couldn't promise not to get upset or hurt but he did promise to talk with me about it and try to understand my pov.
After my last doctors appointment I texted hubby and asked him to skip out on work and spend time with me, he actually said be right there and left work. My husband never misses work, he goes to work in 2 foot of snow, sick as a dog, no matter what he is there so for him to blow off work for me was really special. It made me feel like I was important to him and I told him so.
I got put on a pain patch since the pills make me so sick, they are such a relief, I had forgotten how it felt to not be in agony all the time, they don't take it all away but it is a vast improvement. I got some medicine for restless leg and Oh My God I have actually gotten some sleep. Not a lot but for me, it is amazing.
Someone asked if I might be a pushover. I don't think I am a pushover so much as it has been pounded into me that my feelings don't matter, my comfort doesn't matter, my thoughts, words, ideas don't matter etc. That is really hard to change when it is has been ingrained in you from as far back as you remember. I also (according to therapist) have reeaaaalllly disordered thinking and so he thinks we can get that worked out as well.
I have a few diagnoses so far and sadly I am pretty sure there are more to come, but I guess the main thing is I am moving forward toward some sort of remedy. Although according to him it will only take a few visits to have me better, I don't think it will be that quick for as much crap as I have inside me.
Anyway, I am still scared of therapy but I am determined to make the most of it for as long as I can go.

Rhiko
08-28-2013, 09:26 PM
That's great news! And, hey, if getting more diagnoses will help you sleep at night and feel better about yourself, then I say 'bring it on'. You have a support network who are making sure that you come out the other end feeling better than you ever have. Once the therapist starts unlocking the troubles inside of you, you will be able to identify some on your own and do things to help yourself.

You'll be fine :D

Wannabehealthy
08-29-2013, 09:38 AM
I just ran across this thread, and I am sorry that you are having so much stress in your life. It sounds to me like you are a very good wife and mother, cleaning, cooking, taking care of everyone's needs. It also sounds as though they are taking it all for granted and not giving you the respect you deserve. Teens all seem to go through that, but they should not be allowed to make the comments to you that they make. It's as though they know their father agrees with them and won't stop them. That's not right. Parents need to show a united front to keep the kids in line and discuss their own issues privately.

I also don't like the fact the the family therapist criticized you openly in front of your family. That just reinforced their feeling about you, that yes, it's all your fault.

You are a good, contributing member of the family. You need to realize that in spite of what they think. You should be proud of what you are accomplishing. Look at your ticker. You have lost 62 lbs! That's amazing! Your kids are old enough to start taking responsibility for themselves, giving you more time for yourself, doing things to lift your self esteem. One thing I think you should do is change your membername. You are NOT a tubolard. I could not even address this post to you because I could not type that in as a greeting. I had a membername connected to my goal, and since I was not reaching my goal, it depressed me every time I signed in. They allowed me to change it.

My SIL was having similar problems. Her family was treating her like they lived in a hotel. She left and went to live with her sister for a few weeks. At first it was "Yahoo! Mom's gone!" After a few days, when there were no clean clothes or towels, no dinner on the table, they all started to fight among themselves. They had taken her for granted for so long, and they really appreciated her more when she returned. I'm not suggesting that you do that, but I think you need to pull yourself up and see the good, worthy person that you are. Don't listen to them when they say this is your fault. It's not. I hope that the private therapy will help you to realize that. You don't need to change your ways, you need to change the way you respond to their abuse.

Good luck to you.