Depression and Weight Issues - Feelings of total worthlessness

View Full Version : Feelings of total worthlessness

07-18-2013, 03:42 PM
I've always been a late bloomer. I didn't get my license until I was 21, nor my first job until I was 21, didn't meet my first boyfriend until 23. ADD/Dyslexic with a difficult time driving, so I just never did unless I needed to, and knew where I was going. Combination of inexperience, genuine lack of understanding/remembering rules of the road, being bad at directions, and panic-induced-even-more lack of understanding/remembering the rules of the road/directions kept me driving only to nearby places I was familiar with.

Recently moved to a new state with my SO. I can get to the grocery store, Walmart, and Walgreen. I know where a few places are, but not comfortable driving there alone yet. This has screwed me in a big way regarding job searching. I only want to apply places that are close by that I know I can get to without getting into an accident or getting lost.

I feel like such a worthless piece of **** sometimes, and I hate having to rely on my boyfriend to get places. Not only does it make me feel like a useless pile of trash, it bothers me because he does SO much. He shouldn't have to drive me around, too. I feel like sometimes he expects too much of me, and thinks I just don't have any self confidence when it comes to driving -- I don't think he can fully understand what it's like to be an adult with learning disabilities. I think he thinks I doubt myself too much. He does push me to drive, with him in the car, which I do appreciate, but he doesn't understand why I can't drive it once or twice and have it memorized, or rely on a GPS.

They were doing open interviews today someplace. He must not have read the ad he gave me, because it was about 20 minutes away, to an area I've never driven. He has work in a few hours, so there was no way he could drive me. Neighbour couldn't, either. He looked up the easiest way for me to get there and that was about all. I wanted to try, really, but it just wasn't going to happen. I feel bad for letting him down, but I'm not about to put myself at risk. I hope he isn't too dissappointed with me when he wakes up. Instead of going to the interview, I applied to one of those find-me-a-job places, and a few other stores in the area I feel comfortable driving to.

I'm so tired of people telling me all I need to do is practice, or I'll be totally fine running a cash register even though I suck with money and only have a third grade math level...I don't like to underestimate myself, but really. I know what I can and can't do. And I just don't think people understand it's not something I can just pick up. You can tell me every day for a year how to do something or get somewhere and it either won't click at all, or it will click a while down the line while I'm doing something 100% unrelated.

Is there anyone else on this site that knows what it's like to be an adult with ADD? I feel so alone sometimes.

Odd Duck
07-19-2013, 03:50 AM
I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 12 and I am still plagued with it 14 years later. I constantly have to actively focus on reality because I could really daydream my life away. I don't think your driving issues has more to do with ADD as it does just not trusting your spatial awareness though.

I didn't have my driver's license until I was 18 and the thought of driving absolutely terrified me at first. I would only drive in town occasionally the first few years. When I had no choice, I would have panic attacks driving in big cities and places I'd never been. Just the thought of being lost still causes my chest to tighten.

To this day, I still hate going to unknown places, but the one thing that has helped me cope with traveling is my smartphone with GPS and its car charger. With it I know that, no matter what or how long, I will get to where I need to be. If I take a wrong turn, if there's a detour, or I run into re-constructed highways/interstates, that GPS is going to re-route me to the right direction. It really has been a life saver for me once I realized I could trust it.

Invest in one and start to slowly test yourself. Maybe drive 5 miles out of your comfort zone once a week or every other week. If possibe, pick a place that is just outside your comfort zone, but will be a reward when you get there. Slowly, you'll have more confidence in the GPS if you can't have confidence in your own navigational skill (I know I sure don't trust mine). It won't be pleasant and can be down right scary at first, but over time, I swear, it will become easier.

07-19-2013, 04:19 AM
How much of it do you think is fear and how much is your difficulty in remembering the rules? What would your driving life look like if your fear was gone?

Odd Duck
07-19-2013, 08:49 AM
If I had to take a driver's license test on rules again this day, I would probably fail. The rules you need to remember are the ones that will stop you from getting a ticket and keep you from getting hurt. That list is shorter and easy to remember.

Follow speed limit
Watch for Stop signs/lights (green is good)
Yield for yield signs
Right lane is safe
Use blinker

Other than those, it's just watch out for the idiot driver's around you, that's the harder part to me.

I'm not sure how it would affect my life if there was no fear because I can't imagine what it would be like. It is extremely mild compared to the 8 years ago when I first got my license, but is by no means gone. I'm sure my husband and I would fight a lot less while traveling. He is a sweet heart, but cannot understand my hysteria when I ask him to put GPS on and he says, "we don't need it yet". Yes, I might know the first 20 minutes of the trip, but just knowing there's not something already telling me where to go sends me into near panic mode. It's hard for him to wrap his head around and it irritates him a bit, but he is never demeaning about it and will usually just shake his head. He's one of those people that could drive somewhere or read directions once and remember it forever. A lot of times, he'll just drive because he tells me it's more stressful when I'm driving because of how anxious I get in big cities.

Finding a supportive partner is really necessary, especially when living with ADD or any other medical condition for that matter. It can feel like it's 10 times harder being a responsible adult when you really are trying. It's good when your partner can understand there's somethings out of your control, and be there to help along the way.

07-19-2013, 01:43 PM
Congrats on lessening the panic over the years, and it sounds like your husband is really trying to help. What options have you tried to get rid of your fears?

Odd Duck
07-19-2013, 05:34 PM
Really I didn't try many options. I just didn't drive at first, but slowly over the course of a few years ran over and into situations where I had to just grit my teeth and bare it.

I remember the worst time ever that was a curse and a blessing at the same time. I had just graduated college and got a job interview offer from a Fortune 500 company with. awesome pay and benefits. They were paying for round trip plane tickets, car and hotel rental. The ony problem was it was in a state I had never been to. Not only the, the closest air port to the town I would be interviewed in was 2 hours away. I was freaking out, but I knew I would be crazy to turn down this once in a life time opportunity. Needless to say, the trip was traumatic. I had no GPS, only written directions. There was serve construction going on and detours EVERYWHERE. I cried, suffered one of the worst panic attacks of my life. Eventually, I pulled over and asked for directions and a kind man pointed me the right way. I eventually got there, despite everything and how horrible it was. I nailed the interview and got the job. All and all, having hind sight of all the trials I was able to overcome in that trip made me more confident that I could do it somehow, some way. I really think doing more and more outside your comfort zone is what helps, but maybe not for everyone.

Hope this helps at least some and good luck

07-20-2013, 02:42 AM
Awesome story! Well done on pushing through.