Weight Loss Support - Feeling sad....had a bad moment tonight




Soontobe
07-13-2013, 01:52 AM
A bit of backstory: My husband is a trainer. This evening we went to see one of his clients. Since 2005 she lost 100 lbs and is in amazing shape now. She injured her leg quite badly while training 2 weeks ago and hubby wanted to see how she was doing. I have only met her briefly one time before. It was a nice visit. We didn't discuss weightloss at all during our visit. We just talked about how her knee was doing and normal everyday stuff.

When I got home I was feeling pretty good and was inspired by her good attitude so I friended her on facebook. I had told her that I would send her a link to a hotel my husband and I would be visiting tomorrow....so I sent her the link in a private message then went to check my email.

I went back to fb a little while later and noticed that she replied. She said thank you for the link....and then she told me that I should check out her fitness and nutrition page - that there is a lot of support and tips for losing weight. I don't think she was trying to be mean at all. I really think she was trying to be helpful - but I didn't ask for any tips or advice on losing weight. Like I said we didn't even discuss weight at all.

I went from having a pretty good evening to feeling horrible :( I teared up right away when I read the message. I enjoyed myself while we were there. Now I feel like all she saw was just a pile of fat. I feel so humiliated :cry:

Just venting...I'm probably just being over sensitive and I'll get over it...but this was a tough one. :(


Arctic Mama
07-13-2013, 02:01 AM
I'd say you're being way overly sensitive! I think she is just someone who is really enthusiastic about the subject and since you shared information, she did too.

These things can only get you down if you let them - take back that power and put the mental energy to good use, instead of beating yourself up. And who knows - maybe she can offer some good information and support. Then you both win, she gets to be friendly and helpful and you get some extra oomph and support :)

Soontobe
07-13-2013, 02:56 AM
I guess I just think that unless someone specifically asks you for advice or tips (which I did not), it would be rude to send an invitation like that. The only information I shared with her was a link to the webpage of a hotel we were talking about as a possible wedding venue...it had nothing to do with losing weight.

Like I said, I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings...she's a nice woman...I was upset...I'll get over it.


Sasha29
07-13-2013, 05:16 AM
For what it's worth, my first reaction would be to get offended. My second reaction would be to wonder if she was trying to sell me something.

You've only met her once before, and weight was never discussed. I think it is presumptuous for her to assume that you would be interested in learning from her weight loss story. For all she knows, you could be happy with your weight.

I doubt she meant any offense - that would make her a really horrible person. People that lose a lot of weight and change their lifestyle completely can sometimes get a little evangelical and push their newfound "expertise" on others. I lost 60 lbs several years ago and was on a high from the success. I wanted to tell everyone about the amazing thing I had done. It's possible that the change is still new to her, and she is bursting at the seams to share her success. I do understand why you would take it personally, though!

ETA: I agree that it's rude to offer your advice unless someone asks for it.

huntersmommy
07-13-2013, 09:12 AM
hugs I would of been offended to.. If you had talked about weightloss and she sent you the info that would be one thing but, since that wasn't your focus of conversation. It would sting a bit seeing that.

luckymommy
07-13-2013, 10:40 AM
I would be hurt by her action as well. I really am surprised she sent it to your way...especially since your husband is a trainer. She should have realized that you don't need her info/support...unless you'd asked for it or had at least even discussed weight loss face to face.

At the same time, I think she meant well. I have lost lots of weight in the past and was really wanting one of my friends to have the same wonderful experience, but I never did offer anything unless she asked. Right now, I'm losing and I know she's gaining and it's kind of killing me not to even send her a link to a show I like to watch (Supersize Vs. Superskinny) on youtube...but I know she's not asking for help and there's absolutely no way I'm going to offer it.

I think you should just dust yourself off and forget about it...unless you're actually interested in anything she has to offer.

ReNew Me
07-13-2013, 11:14 AM
I understand why you feel hurt but you have to believe that often people who truly enjoy training and fitness can be extremely enthusiastic to share their passion with everyone that shows the slightest interest. She would have shared that link with you no matter what shape you're in (ever meet a Born Again Christian who came on a little too strong? Same basic thing).

newleaf123
07-13-2013, 12:11 PM
I'm wondering if, as her trainer, your DH has talked you up to her so she feels like she knows you, or even that you said something when really it was your DH at some other time? The reason I suggest that is because I know all about the spouses of my physical therapist, my personal trainer, and my hairdresser even though I've never met them. Their spouses just chat about them as we fill the hour together.

TooWicky
07-13-2013, 12:15 PM
Wow, what horrendous etiquette!! I would be dumbfounded if I reached out to make an acquaintance or friend, and the first written response contained a link to a personal fitness page to help with weight loss -.- Of course you know that says a lot more about them then it does about you. Without malice, I'm sure, but very inartful and might I say insensitive to say the least. Some fitness and health people can not be contained, though! A few of the people I have let know about my weight loss progress and intentions have literally flooded me with "advice" and "help" and it's not all sensitively worded. Their enthusiasm, as mentioned in previous replies, runneth over. Lawd, annoying! :hug:

Andrea85
07-13-2013, 12:17 PM
I'm so sorry! I would be upset, too.

Maybe she is primarily on facebook to talk about nutrition and exercise? Or maybe she assumed that because your husband is a trainer, you would share that passion, too. She could have sent you that because she assumed you would have a common interest that you didn't discuss. It's still not great to assume, but maybe it had nothing to do with your weight.

Lastly, maybe she just didn't think. I've reconnected with people and within 1 message, they ask me to check out their photography/fashion/etc page. It's just them spreading what they are passionate about.

I still get it though...sometimes no matter how you justify others actions, they still hurt. I'm sorry you were hurt!

nelie
07-13-2013, 12:55 PM
For what it's worth, my first reaction would be to get offended. My second reaction would be to wonder if she was trying to sell me something.


I agree with this, there are a lot of MLM products out there and often people view new people they meet as potential 'clients'. So they want to expand their network to sell something. That may not be the reason but that is my guess on why she would be so forward.

GlamourGirl827
07-13-2013, 07:05 PM
I'm sorry she sent that to you. I agree that unsolicited advice can be frustrating, rude or hurtful...Is it possible that DH has mentioned to her that you are trying to lose weight? Has DH ever been over weight? I don't know you or your hubby, but I was thinking maybe in his mind you and her would hit it off or that she might be a better support person than he...even though he;s a trainer, you and her are both woman and she has been through the struggle of substantial weightloss. If DH has never been over weight maybe he doesnt feel he can relate as well?
My hubsnad has occasionally done this (not with weightloss) but has kind of wanted to "fix me up" with women that he thinks I'd get along with. I appreciate it and he knows me so well, that he's never been wrong! lol

I was just thinking maybe this woman is trying to start a friendship between you two and just made a poor choice in how to do it?
I know that doesnt make it less hurtful, but just a thought.

TheSecondHalf
07-13-2013, 07:17 PM
This is what every one who posts "My friend/roommate/sister really needs to lose weight, how do I tell her" needs to read before opening their big, possibly well-meaning, mouth.

It would hurt my feelings, too. I am pretty sure I'm more than just someone to "witness to" about weight loss, but people who have recently lost weight or discovered fitness certainly don't share my opinion. Rest assured, if I have a question I WILL ASK IT, otherwise pipe down...unless you want my advice on all your "stuff" because TRUST ME, there's a lot I'm holding back.

Mozzy
07-13-2013, 07:53 PM
Hugs

MAK247
07-13-2013, 09:45 PM
While she might not have been tactful, it sounds like she meant well. It could be she wants/needs someone to talk weight loss with and didn't know how to approach the subject. I know when the subject comes up I feel a lot more comfortable talking about weight loss and such with other heavy women.

Mori M
07-13-2013, 11:40 PM
I get the unsolicited weight loss "advice" myself. It's like, I'm already in that mentality, so it's unwanted. Plus, what if I was happy with my weight, even if it's not the socially acceptable size? People need to mind their business until it's the person themselves who bring it up.

Soontobe
07-14-2013, 01:56 AM
Thanks for the hugs everyone. :)

I'm sorry she sent that to you. I agree that unsolicited advice can be frustrating, rude or hurtful...Is it possible that DH has mentioned to her that you are trying to lose weight? Has DH ever been over weight? I don't know you or your hubby, but I was thinking maybe in his mind you and her would hit it off or that she might be a better support person than he...even though he;s a trainer, you and her are both woman and she has been through the struggle of substantial weightloss. If DH has never been over weight maybe he doesnt feel he can relate as well?
My hubsnad has occasionally done this (not with weightloss) but has kind of wanted to "fix me up" with women that he thinks I'd get along with. I appreciate it and he knows me so well, that he's never been wrong! lol

I was just thinking maybe this woman is trying to start a friendship between you two and just made a poor choice in how to do it?
I know that doesnt make it less hurtful, but just a thought.
I don't think hubby would have talked to her about it...but anything is possible I suppose. Up until this last year he weighed 300lbs (on purpose - he's into strongman, that's the kind of trainer he is) but decided to slim down and has VERY easily lost 50 lbs. He has no trouble losing weight so I'm sure he doesn't understand why its hard for me. If he did talk to her about talking to me I don't think he'll do that again after seeing my reaction to her message. :(

While she might not have been tactful, it sounds like she meant well. It could be she wants/needs someone to talk weight loss with and didn't know how to approach the subject. I know when the subject comes up I feel a lot more comfortable talking about weight loss and such with other heavy women.
I know she meant well. I'm not angry with her...I think it maybe was just a moment of typing and sending without thinking. I hope so anyway.

If she was still heavy I don't think I would have felt as bad if she had sent me the same message but its been a few years since she lost the weight.

One good thing came from this though. From now on I will always take that extra moment to think about my words carefully to make sure I don't unintentionally hurt someone.

betsy2013
07-14-2013, 12:08 PM
Soontobe, I know how you feel.......and know how your DH's client feels. First, I totally agree that sending you the link, no matter how well meaning, was not a well thought out action. I remember when my sister lost over 100 pounds and was commenting that her friends were abandoning her. She asked one of them why, and she was told it was because all she could talk about was how she lost weight and what they could be doing.

She was crushed by the feedback, and I didn't help any when I said that no one who is trying to lose wants to hear about how successful you were unless they specifically ask you. I told her I was tired of hearing about it as well.

So, hopefully, this is just this woman being overzealous in her excitement about how she changed her life. I try to keep in mind that a lot of my mental time during the day is spent on thinking about where I am in my calorie count, what I need to prep for the next meal, etc.

Sorry you went through this. :hug:

saef
07-14-2013, 01:08 PM
I agree with this, there are a lot of MLM products out there and often people view new people they meet as potential 'clients'. So they want to expand their network to sell something. That may not be the reason but that is my guess on why she would be so forward.

You want to know what I think? I think she would've sent that to ANYONE, no matter their weight. I honestly don't think it's personal at all, or that it's about how she perceives you. I believe she's just selling her page & services & her own personal brand to whoever she meets.

Over the last couple days, I've had a string of encounters, some of them somewhat annoying, that made me feel like every other person I've met is in business for herself or himself, and even if they're not networking on behalf of their current job, they've got some kind of sideline making & selling things, or offering some kind of services. Particularly those people I know who are active in the fitness industry. So many self-employed trainers are using blogging & the Internet to try to gather up a following that they can sell into. One Facebook trainer friend of mine even had a peevish post the other day because not enough people had signed up on her Etsy account for a four-week training session. Yep, guilty. I've got business trips & vacation planned in the next four weeks & I am not in the mood to fork up $75 for something I won't use.

I mean, it's awkward enough when friends try to get you into their homes for parties selling this or that, or Mary Kay when it's not your brand.

**That's** where you were hit up, IMHO. Not because of your weight or any thoughts she had about that, but because 1) she believes everyone she meets is weight-obsessed and a potential follow/buyer or what she sells; and 2) she has dreams of some kind of nutritional/fitness empire, very common these days.

Seriously, I'm not just saying this to ease your mind, I really think it's what is going on. It's just my pet peeve these days, that half my Facebook friends are using Facebook to promote something & it's getting so hard to extricate personal matters from business matters.