Looking Good, Feeling Great - Feeling ignored because of my weight




Wannabeskinny
07-10-2013, 09:27 AM
Do you ever get the sense that people are ignoring you or pretending like you're not even there? Or do you feel like people would take you more seriously if you were healthier? I was never skinny, but I did used to weigh less in college. I was pretty confident I'd say and I was one of those girls who always got asked out on dates and always had attention and got compliments. When I got married that lessened of course and since I had a baby 2yrs ago it completely vanished. I cannot even recall the last time someone flirted with me or even gave me a compliment.

I live in a city where I'm usually the biggest person in the room. People here are so.... thin and stylish! I like to be stylish too but it's hard at 200lbs to find cute clothes. Anyway, at work I always feel like nobody wants to talk to me, and other people's conversations are always about sports, the marathons they run, the soccer game they just played, the laps they just did, etc. I am actually pretty active myself - I play tennis 3x a week and exercise daily. But I'm too self conscious to take part in those conversations because I don't think anyone will take me seriously about it.

Anyway, just venting. And feeling like people don't want to be around me because I'm fat. It's a very lonely feeling, I almost feel like I'm offending people just by being fat.


LucreziaBorgia
07-10-2013, 10:18 AM
I used to feel the exact same way until I had an a-ha moment. The more you believe something, the more it becomes reality. If you believe in the thought that you are a wallflower because you are overweight, that is what will happen. So, try and smile some more. Smiling makes anyone beautiful. Oh, and every morning, say that to yourself - "I am beautiful." Soon, you'll actually FEEL beautiful.

Still, excess weight blocks movement and in many cases, it is unhealthy. Make "health concerns" the primary reason of your weight loss, not try to lose it because you think you're offending anyone. NOBODY is worthy of judging you, you are your own judge and guide.

Some belief in the fact that you're beautiful - WITH OR WITHOUT the excess weight - and you're good to go. How do I know all this? I am f-a-t and felt the exact same way for a while. It's the personality that counts - people that hate you now do not deserve being with you when you feel stunning.

Wannabeskinny
07-10-2013, 10:58 AM
It's probably ridiculous to think anyone hates me because I'm fat and of course it's not playing through anyone's mind except my own. I'm lacking in confidence lately. I don't like to be shallow but its occupying my mind lately how much better my life would be if I weighed less.

Thanks, love your screen name!!


LucreziaBorgia
07-10-2013, 10:58 PM
Yeah, it's probably a self-confidence issue. Just keep remembering that you're beautiful. I know you are, everyone is, you just have to see yourself with a clearer vision. "I'm beautiful" is a good mantra.

If that's going to be of any help, I found myself more confident on stage (musician here). Acting, or performing on stage could be good options to boost your confidence. Yeah, acting classes is my advice here. :D

Thanks, by the way, for the kind words about my screen name.

rubidoux
07-10-2013, 11:25 PM
Well, I hate to confirm your suspicions, but I have totally had the same experience. I didn't notice it so much when I was heavier, but I have noticed the reverse happening as I lose. I notice it a lot more with strangers than with people that I know, but I'm a stay at home mom, so my situation may be quite a bit different. But not too long ago, I started noticing that strangers, like total strangers, started making eye contact. Like I'd cross the street and a guy stopped at the stop sign makes eye contact and smiles at me. Freaky. I notice it a lot more with men, but I don't think these men are interested (I'm still big, just not as big), but I've gotten into the realm of visibility again, I guess.

AwShucks
07-10-2013, 11:37 PM
... (I'm still big, just not as big), but I've gotten into the realm of visibility again, I guess.

I've noticed this, too. People will look at me, now. When I was heavier, I used to stare people down just to see if they'd look at me as they passed, and so many people wouldn't! It got to be a game I played. Now, more often than not, unless they're teenagers, people will acknowledge my presence. Weird. There's less of me to see, and NOW they see me!

To the OP, I've taken photos of myself to try and "see" my progress. It's hard when you're just looking in the mirror every day. I always try to crop out my face/head, or put a piece of paper over it, and it helps to just look objectively at the body. Try it! You may be better able to see yourself as others see you.

Underwater
07-10-2013, 11:51 PM
I have noticed this a lot as I lost weight. People in the stores try to sell me stuff now. Strangers nod as they walk past as if to say hello. A guy waiting next to me at Supercuts struck up a conversation and then asked me out! (I'm married but my wedding rings don't fit anymore!)

I feel like when I was heavier, many people saw it as a disability, even if they don't want to admit it to themselves. And they avoided looking at me because you wouldn't stare at a woman in a wheelchair or someone missing an arm when they walked by.

Wannabeskinny
07-11-2013, 08:14 AM
I can see it's not just me that feels this way. In my area it's a rare occurrence to see someone morbidly obese, more than 300+ and when I do I admit that I look away, because I don't want him/her to think I'm staring. I wonder if that's why I'm feeling ignored as well.

I take pictures of myself when I'm buying new clothes in the dressing room. It's different than looking in the mirror, it helps me get a better idea of what looks good on me. Usually I'm pretty happy with what I see in the mirror, until someone much thinner walks up next to me and I look big in comparison.

Wannabeskinny
07-11-2013, 08:17 AM
I used to feel the exact same way until I had an a-ha moment. The more you believe something, the more it becomes reality. If you believe in the thought that you are a wallflower because you are overweight, that is what will happen. So, try and smile some more. Smiling makes anyone beautiful. Oh, and every morning, say that to yourself - "I am beautiful." Soon, you'll actually FEEL beautiful.

Still, excess weight blocks movement and in many cases, it is unhealthy. Make "health concerns" the primary reason of your weight loss, not try to lose it because you think you're offending anyone. NOBODY is worthy of judging you, you are your own judge and guide.

Some belief in the fact that you're beautiful - WITH OR WITHOUT the excess weight - and you're good to go. How do I know all this? I am f-a-t and felt the exact same way for a while. It's the personality that counts - people that hate you now do not deserve being with you when you feel stunning.

Tried pming you but couldn't. I'm a musician too :D

sontaikle
07-11-2013, 08:22 AM
I notice that I get more male attention now. I was never IGNORED but I definitely have more men going out of there way to be nice. Doors are held for me much more often, guys go out if their way to talk to me, I've gotten free stuff...didn't happen before!

TofuSprinkles
07-11-2013, 01:41 PM
Totally felt that way for most of my life after puberty when I started to inflate every year by like 10lb.

Recently though, I've came to the conclusion that I still have to live my life regardless of the # on the scale. I've missed out on a lot of things because of this kind of thinking. I found certain clothing makes me feel confident in myself regardless of weight, and when I get that boost, I stop thinking about my weight.

It's something of work in progress, but what they say is true. Confidence is sexy and attractive, you just have to find a way to get to it regardless of size. Of course looking healthy is a plus and makes us feel more confident in ourselves.

Vex
07-11-2013, 11:00 PM
You better believe it. The bigger I was the more invisible I was. People practically ran into me. Seriously.

hhm6
07-12-2013, 02:31 AM
You aren't alone! There are times (a lot of times!) when I used to feel this way. I used to live in Las Vegas and many of my friends were club promoters, and they would try to find the "hottest" people to bring into a club (it's how they would move up in work levels or something like that) but I was always so afraid to go, because of what people would think. I always felt that part of Vegas was so shallow, but I still went clubbing and had fun but it's definitely not my thing because of how they view people and just that atmosphere it's kinda gross to me now lol.

I've also had times where I've been that friend that goes out with ALL skinny girls and I stick out like a sore thumb. That was awful, and I remember one time all my friends had guys to talk to at the bar and I sat there, scrolling through my phone because I didn't know what else to do :( Oyy some awful times when I think about it now!

I have to say though, I feel like as I have lost I haven't gotten much attention. Like before I would get more guy attention (sleezy guy attention) but now it has stopped a lot, and I get more compliments from family.

It's just weird anyway, did mean to write so much! Just wanted to say I know where you're coming from!

Rhiko
07-12-2013, 02:46 AM
I'm actually using my weight loss now as an experiment to see if people will talk to me more if I'm slimmer. A few years back when I was a little slimmer than I am now, I used to get random comments on how pretty I was and people would talk to me. Since I've been bigger, I don't really get that. People are so shocked now when they hear I jog for 30 mins non-stop!

I think that this is a yes and no question. Yes, people are less inclined to talk to a larger person and take them seriously because of the stereotypes around overweight people being lazy and unhealthy. No, because it's all in the way you treat and approach your peers.

Stars
07-20-2013, 12:58 PM
When I was overweight, yes, I got ignored and my self esteem was low at the time anyway so that just made things worse. I avoided going out and stayed home mostly (I am a stay at home mom). Now that I am thin, I see guys checking me out, my self esteem is higher, though not as high as it should, and I don't avoid going out of the house. I just wish I had friends around here to go out with.

GlamourGirl827
07-20-2013, 02:31 PM
I literally just wrote an entire post on something similar. I've been thinking about it being back at my highest weight, and because I was taught that being "fat" does mean you will be treated differently, ignored etc.

But aside from noticing less random male attention when bigger (holding doors for example) I actually have noticed in my life that the majority of people don't ignore or avoid people based on weight. Sometimes people that are over weight lack confidence so they are less likely to engage people so they perceive that as others ignoring them. Or maybe there are other reasons that people are ignoring someone that has nothing to do with weight. But over the years, all the people I've met that are nice, fun, kind, happy people are liked, talked to, acknowledge etc no matter how big they are.

There was a scheduler at one of my jobs that was idk, maybe 400 lbs,. She was a really funny, nice person, and was outgoing, liked, talked to, and invited out with the single ladies to bars and stuff on the weekend (I'm married so myself and the married ladies did not go out weekend nights with these ladies! lol). Her weight was no issues what so ever because she was a person people liked being around.

I gave a few other examples of people I know in the post I put up.

But no I don't think most people ignored based just on weight. There's "something" that you are putting out there that people are not wanting to be apart of. Either you need to be more outgoing, or evaluate how you communicate with others.

micheal
08-28-2013, 02:04 PM
This is all mind issues. First of all, believe in yourself and don't feel neglected. Today's lifestyle as well as busy schedules of most people has forced them to eat anything that can be cooked fast, mostly junk and fried items. A natural way to keep the fats out is to add non-calorie food into your daily chart like broccoli, asparagus, cucumber, pineapple, cabbage, apples etc.

20lbtogo
08-28-2013, 05:23 PM
I think a good part of this is perception and how people react to you, if you don't make eye contact, strike up conversations, give compliments, etc. then you will get less of that treatment.

Sometimes I feel the exact opposite. If you notice my stats, we started at a similar place and I'm close to where your goal is and I feel like I have become invisible. When I was big I felt like people reacted one of two ways: some gave me attention and compliments probably because they felt sorry for me. Some stared me down in certain situations, for example if I was ordering food or getting on an airplane. Now no one pays any attention to me as I board a plane. A few months ago I went to a fast food restaurant to order food for someone else (two people, actually), and none of it was for me. I ordered this large quantity of calorie-laden food and the cashier didn't even react. No one looked at me like "honey, you don't need that" like they used to, no one reacted at all and it sort of took me by surprise, it had been a long time since I had been to a fast food restaurant and I was just used to the looks I got as a fat girl. It was weird not to get any looks or reactions at all.

EagleRiverDee
08-28-2013, 05:33 PM
Do you ever get the sense that people are ignoring you or pretending like you're not even there?

All. The. Time.

People look through me as though I'm not standing there, as though being bigger is some sort of disfigurement that they are supposed to pretend not to see.

When I was skinny that never happened. So I'm sure it's the weight gain.

Wannabeskinny
08-29-2013, 09:29 AM
Sometimes I feel the exact opposite. If you notice my stats, we started at a similar place and I'm close to where your goal is and I feel like I have become invisible. When I was big I felt like people reacted one of two ways: some gave me attention and compliments probably because they felt sorry for me. Some stared me down in certain situations, for example if I was ordering food or getting on an airplane. Now no one pays any attention to me as I board a plane. A few months ago I went to a fast food restaurant to order food for someone else (two people, actually), and none of it was for me. I ordered this large quantity of calorie-laden food and the cashier didn't even react. No one looked at me like "honey, you don't need that" like they used to, no one reacted at all and it sort of took me by surprise, it had been a long time since I had been to a fast food restaurant and I was just used to the looks I got as a fat girl. It was weird not to get any looks or reactions at all.

That's really interesting. I guess you blend in now with the "normal people" in some ways. I'd love to blend in more.

Lumia
09-02-2013, 08:52 AM
Dear Wanna,
It may also be that America has so much a sport culture. Here in Europe, no one talks about what they did at the gym, because no one would care. I think how you keep fit is considered a personal matter, and very rarely does someone say "Oooh I ran for 1 hour yesterday" if they weren't in the company of fellow joggers.

Wannabeskinny
09-02-2013, 09:15 PM
Dear Wanna,
It may also be that America has so much a sport culture. Here in Europe, no one talks about what they did at the gym, because no one would care. I think how you keep fit is considered a personal matter, and very rarely does someone say "Oooh I ran for 1 hour yesterday" if they weren't in the company of fellow joggers.

It's true and I know this because I've lived in Europe. It is personal but people do work out! Here in the states it's a lot like you describe, but to be honest I truly love that! I don't like talking about sports but I love fitness and conversations about fitness. I wish I could be part of it more.

saef
09-03-2013, 06:53 PM
My short answer is:

Yes, in NY, land of the overachievers and a widespread belief in the necessity to be above-average, some people hone their bodies like their resumes. Lots of the others walk everywhere and don't own cars, so they're moving all day even if they're not at Soul Cycle or Equinox. There are models and actresses and magazine editors & people in the fashion & design business living & working here. And this definitely colors the general attitude. And some of these people do make cruel and untrue assumptions about overweight people, or dismiss them & let their eyes keep moving toward someone who has similar aesthetic standards for the body.

I have been fat in NY & I have been athletic in NY & believe me, athletic is better.

No, it isn't just you. Not at all.

MrsKevin
09-04-2013, 11:42 AM
Wanna,

Trust me, people are sometimes so into "themselves" (because they are so special, you know) that they can't seem to reach out to others and connect. When you need people who understand-- come here. All of us have struggled with our weight and image issues- we DO understand and are willing to talk to you (not AT you). You are beautiful INSIDE AND OUT- you are important and valuable, and your feelings MATTER!

:)

ChickieBoom
09-04-2013, 11:58 AM
I think it's probably a combination of things. When I was at my heaviest, I was miserable and unhappy. There's no way that people didn't notice how miserable I was. Who wants to be around a person who's miserable all the time? No one! As I started to lose, I felt so much better about myself and I started taking more pride in the way that I dressed. People started paying me more attention. My weight loss definitely affected my attitude and in the end I think it's my attitude that attracted or repelled other people.

I wanted to be invisible when I was bigger and now I feel good about myself so I walk down the street with my head held high. Our stats are about the same and I get a ton of attention so maybe it has nothing to do with your weight? I'm originally from NYC...I was just there for Labor Day.

Wannabeskinny
09-04-2013, 02:23 PM
Thanks all for your input and encouraging words. I'm not a shy person and I'm pretty conscious about not being negative because I hate people who are negative all the time like when you ask them how are you they always say "ugh I'm tired!" And are always complaining about something or another. In pretty upbeat but perhaps people can see how uncomfortable I am and that's why I'm ignores sometimes? I also have a goofy sense of humor and that might repel people? Like yesterday I stopped by then organic market and picked up a juice (carrot, apple, ginger, beet, kale) and when I tasted it I immediately said "god that's awful" and smiled. But I meant it like oh the things we do to stay healthy or complaining about taxes. And the guy didn't get it, I guess he just thought I was saying it was awful. Which it was, but I already knew it would taste awful because I buy juices like that occasionally even though I don't like them.

luckymommy
09-04-2013, 05:37 PM
Well I have a silly sense of humor, so too bad I don't live in nyc (anymore). I really get what you're saying. I still live in a body obsessed place and it really is so challenging to feel good about oneself and we all deserve to feel good about ourselves, regardless of size or anything else. I even know one couple who you would think are actors or models. I don't know how she keeps impossibly thin but I know he is bulimic...but at a party I went to, everyone talked to him like he was a hot star (and he was arrogant) while people did talk to me (this was a while ago when I was heavier) but I had to try SO HARD to get some traction.

ShyHeather
09-04-2013, 07:39 PM
I don't know, I guess I have always been lucky to an extent? Maybe it was where I lived, and the people I was surrounded by were raised to be gentlemen and courteous to others?

I am not the happiest person around, and sometimes I look as miserable as I feel, and yet people hold the door open for (mostly men) and I even got hit on when I was like 280ish.

Although I may have a lot of kind moments to mention, there are many negatives, and I just try to forget about the negatives. Although I must say, I always die a little inside (LAUGHING) when people go out of their way to get away from me, as if I am some kind of walking, talking fat disease. I mean they will hug the wall to stay a good arms length away or act like I am taking up an entire aisle at Wally World (and those are HUGE aisles...and I'm not that big! :dizzy:)

Anyway, I think it boils down to where you live. Some places are a real 'melting pot' and have every shape imaginable walking around. =) Stay positive.

vintagecat
09-05-2013, 05:49 PM
Yes and no.

From men, not as much. I still get flirted with and the "look over" from time to time which takes me by surprise every time and I still get chivalrous behavior even from young men.

Women are another story to a noticeable degree. I get far more overtures of friendship, more invites, more attendance from shop-girls, more female eye contact when I'm thinner here.

I am not in a very body conscious place like NYC or LA. When I go the heartland for the winter, I totally blend.

BTW, I've used invisibility to great advantage in business when those around me didn't see me coming until I was leaving the room wondering what hit them. If they expect nothing from you that is a great negotiating advantage.

Good topic.

happybug
09-14-2013, 07:18 AM
They've done studies on this haven't they, using people in fat suits? And found that overweight people are treated differently or ignored for younger, slimmer women. But, I think anyone can feel invisible or overlooked at times. I felt pretty invisible as a frumpy brunette Mum. Then I went blonde and you can't help but get noticed. Maybe a hair colour, starting a workout plan and buying some clothes you really feel confident in might help.

Mazzy
09-14-2013, 07:48 AM
I work in a city, and yes this does happen. I know it happens and I'm not imagining it because I've heard people talking about those that are on the larger side. Some of the people I work with have actually said things to their face, "Go on a diet..." or "You need to lay off the brownies." These are towards women that are larger than myself, but for some reason I don't get that same treatment. Probably because they know I couldn't handle it.

That being said, some part of you may be using this as justification to give up. If you believe that it's wrong for people to only like you for the way you look, it would be a natural consequence to want to sabotage that - the inner rebel dying to make a stand against the shallowness of others. But, when you think about it...you're shallow, too, because you WANT to look good. So what? Go ahead and be "shallow". And let them be shallow. It may hurt, but that's ok. You can hurt sometimes. We're all on a different path going to the same place, and that place IS a healthy, trim body with a healthy, happy active mind, and a generous heaping of opinions and standards. Some of us can have a little more tact, and others...well...put them in their place.

Wannabeskinny
09-14-2013, 07:53 AM
They've done studies on this haven't they, using people in fat suits? And found that overweight people are treated differently or ignored for younger, slimmer women. But, I think anyone can feel invisible or overlooked at times. I felt pretty invisible as a frumpy brunette Mum. Then I went blonde and you can't help but get noticed. Maybe a hair colour, starting a workout plan and buying some clothes you really feel confident in might help.

I've been blonde all (most) of my life with the exception of a few times that I tried to go purple or red. On the recommendation of a friend who recommended that I go brunette so that my green eyes stand out more I colored my hair darkish brown. That year was the worst! I never felt more invisible in my life! Once I went back to blonde I immediately got the whoosh of compliments that had been silenced by the brown hair. In my experience blondes truly do have more fun. But maybe it's because my skin color didn't work with the hair color, I doubt this is true for all brunettes lol.

Wannabeskinny
09-14-2013, 07:55 AM
I work in a city, and yes this does happen. I know it happens and I'm not imagining it because I've heard people talking about those that are on the larger side. Some of the people I work with have actually said things to their face, "Go on a diet..." or "You need to lay off the brownies." These are towards women that are larger than myself, but for some reason I don't get that same treatment. Probably because they know I couldn't handle it.

That being said, some part of you may be using this as justification to give up. If you believe that it's wrong for people to only like you for the way you look, it would be a natural consequence to want to sabotage that - the inner rebel dying to make a stand against the shallowness of others. But, when you think about it...you're shallow, too, because you WANT to look good. So what? Go ahead and be "shallow". And let them be shallow. It may hurt, but that's ok. You can hurt sometimes. We're all on a different path going to the same place, and that place IS a healthy, trim body with a healthy, happy active mind, and a generous heaping of opinions and standards. Some of us can have a little more tact, and others...well...put them in their place.

Over the years I've come up with lots of justifications for giving up, not just this one lol. It does bug me that I hate being judged for how I look and yet I want to look better. It's hard to reconcile those 2 opposite feelings. I hate the judgement people place on women's look yet at the same time I wish I could fit the ideal beauty. It's nuts.

theox
09-15-2013, 04:53 PM
It does bug me that I hate being judged for how I look and yet I want to look better. It's hard to reconcile those 2 opposite feelings. I hate the judgement people place on women's look yet at the same time I wish I could fit the ideal beauty. It's nuts.

It can be irritating to be judged on our appearance, but we can't control what other people think. What's the sense in worrying about it? If your colleagues and fellow NYers choose to view others through a lens of ignorance and arrogance, that's their problem. And you never know, some of them might be more accepting than you think. Is the only reason you want to look "better" because you think people will be more accepting of you? 'Cause that doesn't sound like a very healthy motivation. OTOH, if you want to lose weight to attain things that you have more control over (e.g., clothing selection, personal satisfaction when you look in the mirror, moving closer to your vision of ideal beauty in a safe and sane manner while realizing that no human being can actually achieve that type of perfection (and anyone who did would still grow old and die, anyway)), that sounds healthier. I think the feelings you're describing are only really oppositional if other people's opinions (real or imagined) are the primary reason you want to lose weight.

I've known several quite heavy people whose opinions and participation are valued at work and/or in their social circles. Given, most of them lived in places with higher obesity rates and less neurotic (although not necessarily less dysfunctional! :carrot:) attitudes about the human body than are apparently present in NYC. I don't know what these folks' feelings about their weight were. I know some of them tried to lose (with varying levels of success), while others seemed pretty content. In general, they were hard workers who spoke up when they had contributions to make, let their personalities show, and didn't put up with poor treatment at the hands of colleagues, "friends," or random jerks.

Personally, I've felt ignored because of my weight many times, although it seems to happen much less often now than it did when I was in my early 20s and at a lower weight. In fact, for the past few years I have hardly ever felt like I've been ignored or put down because of my weight (or for any other reason). Learning not to doubt my worth as a human being and becoming more comfortable and confident in who I am has been tremendously helpful. Learning not to get hung up on the actions of others and having a sane and functional work environment has been helpful, too.


On an unrelated note, I'm not sure that fat guys have it too much easier than fat women. Some guys really seem not to give a flip and live in environments where their weight isn't a social or economic handicap, but my impression is that a lot of overweight/obese men and boys do have negative experiences and feelings related to their weight.