Body Image and Issues after Weight Loss - So I got called shallow on another forum? What does anyone here think?




HermersSis
06-25-2013, 07:56 PM
So I've been overweight my whole friggin life. I honestly do not know what it is to be anything other than the "fat girl". At first I was young and thought that was just my fate, then I was confused because people would always talk about exercise and I exercised A LOT (I really did, I had a fit best friend) and that made me feel stuck even more. Then I finally connected my diet as the major player when I was so shocked at hitting over 300 lbs after one depressed year. I went on a crash diet and it was the first time I ever lost weight and after educating myself more I realized what I needed to do.

I had two crossroads: accept myself as I was or marry myself to losing the weight. I chose the latter and I won't even lie. It took FOREVER, I reached a good weight before I really knew it and I went to some extremes to get there.

Now I have this sort of fed up depression. I cannot lose anymore weight. My doctors, all the surgeons I had consult with have strongly urged my to stop losing because my weight is fine and I'm actually "really small". The problem is, I don't look small. I have TONS of skin and I hate it. I'm frustrated because I put in all this work and now I have many more months for surgery if I am able to afford it (I had to find different options, will likely be going with residency, but it takes time to get consult and book surgery).

What really bothers me is that I put my whole life on hold because of being overweight. I just couldn't be comfortable with myself enough after all the bullying and crappy friends I had. I left school because I couldn't deal with it and since then I've been living in the future and everything kept passing by. I wanted prom, I wanted to move away to university, to join a sorority to do all these things young people do and never did because of the weight.

Now I just want to be able to dress the way I want, go out, and go on dates. I want to date a guy I like who likes me back (really likes me back, not settling for me because they have a cluster of their own issues) and I can't do that. Do I think that there are guys out there that I would like who can accept me like this? Of course. Am I emotionally stable enough to start doing that? **** no. I HATE that look of disappointment a guy gives when you meet him from an online site. I HATE having been out with other females and having guys talk to me just because they don't want to seem like a jerk in front of the chicks I'm with. I HATE being with someone knowing that they wish they could do better. And most of all I HATE being with a guy who actually kind of likes me but not being able to be comfortable with him because I HATE the way I look.

Maybe if it were only a little bit of skin, or just in one area. But it's EVERYWHERE. No part of my body is alright. Thighs, gut, back, arms and worst of all breasts. I feel so screwed and like I'm old and all the fun times are over now. I just really want to find someone to love me and feel that for just one friggin time in my whole life, but it's always delayed and delayed and delayed. To make matters worse I'm always having people tell me it's not that bad or I don't look that big. I'm not big at all, you just can't see that! And you also can't see me naked! I have no idea how this makes me shallow or how this comes off as spiteful vitriol at all. I just happen to think that most 26 year old guys don't want to date a girl with a big drooping gut, grandma boobs and wings for arms. It's not like someone sees the inner awesome of me when they meet me.

/rant


bargoo
06-25-2013, 08:26 PM
I'd say that anyone that calls you shallow is pretty shallow themselves. Your ticker says you have lost 143 pounds, that is amazing, congratulations. With a 143 pound loss I would expect you to have loose skin. I haven't lost that much and I have more than enough loose skin. I am not going to have surgery because of other health issues, but if it is an option for you, go for it ! There are posters on 3fc that have had surgery to lose loose skin and they all seem to be very happy that they did it.

FiftyFive
06-25-2013, 08:33 PM
I donīt think you are shallow at all, actually I can relate to you, I also feel like I am waiting for something better and that i have been waiting way too much time.
I really hope you get the surgery soon.. and never ever believe you are shallow cause you are not!


Ruslana
06-25-2013, 08:41 PM
I wouldn't spend a lot of time worrying what others might think. Why not try to tackle one issue at a time? Otherwise it can be too overwhelming. Being in your twenties is AWESOME! Slow down and consider your options. If you don't like the way some of your body parts look, go to a professional, find out how much and expend your energy saving and making it happen. You will get there if you want to.

Natasha1534
06-25-2013, 08:45 PM
That's not shallow...that's the frigging mind games that losing all that weight plays w/ you. I swear to God, sometimes I look in the mirror and I still see the me that was 346 pounds. I know how much progress I've made...I know I've busted my butt to do it...but it's still not good enough for me and I still hate my huge stomach and flabby arms. I pick up an XL shirt and can't comprehend that it would actually fit me...in my head I'm still a 4X.

EagleRiverDee
06-25-2013, 08:45 PM
Well first- loose skin (which is what you appear to be describing) will not be solved by losing more weight. So I'd have to agree that if you are at a healthy BMI, then stop trying to lose weight. Your skin will shrink some but if you were quite heavy then you may have to have surgery to get the loose skin taken care of. Bear in mind that a lot of times our brains retain this image of ourselves that isn't actually true to what we really look like. If you're used to seeing a fat you in the mirror, you may continue to see that even after you are thin. I'm the opposite- I was thin for years and in the mirror I still see a thin me, even though I'm actually quite heavy. The one place I see myself true to life is in photos. Maybe take some photos of yourself, cover up your face, and just look at your body in an objective fashion.

Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.

Vex
06-25-2013, 09:11 PM
You're not shallow. It's very natural to think there's "still more left to do" after reaching a reasonable weight. We've been overweight for so long that it takes a long time, if ever, that we can see our bodies for what they are now as opposed to what they were.

As for the loose skin, I have it and feel probably just as every bit self conscious about it as you. I tell you what though. I've seen many pictures on here of people who stated they felt awful about their skin and I always remember thinking that they don't look bad at all! We're so extremely hard on ourselves.

Surgery can help in that respect, if you have means to afford it. The right clothing and the right bra can also make a world of difference in how you look. Trust me, if you get to the point where you're naked with someone else, the last thing on their mind is going to be how you look.

DON'T delay your life because of how you feel about your appearance, overweight or not. I spent 42 years overweight and met everyone I know today, including my husband, while I was overweight.

HermersSis
06-25-2013, 09:14 PM
I'd say that anyone that calls you shallow is pretty shallow themselves. Your ticker says you have lost 143 pounds, that is amazing, congratulations. With a 143 pound loss I would expect you to have loose skin. I haven't lost that much and I have more than enough loose skin. I am not going to have surgery because of other health issues, but if it is an option for you, go for it ! There are posters on 3fc that have had surgery to lose loose skin and they all seem to be very happy that they did it.

I definitely am trying to. The doctor I wanted gave me an estimate of 13k for JUST a tummy tuck and I thought that was insane (was hoping for around 10-12k for everything). I found out that Yale residency does it at a discount so I'm hoping their fee looks better. I tried to find all the info I could and it looks more like 5-6k for a tummy tuck.

And thank you.

CherryPie99
06-25-2013, 09:15 PM
Shallow is not the word I would use. But I will give you my frank opinion - you have been warned.

I lost over 220 pounds. So I know what loose skin looks like. And I realize how discouraging it is. And I realize how LUCKY I am that I was able to have surgery.

That being said, there are people out there with HORRIFIC disfigurements that they can't hide under clothes. They would KILL to have your problem.

Your problem is in your head and I would HIGHLY recommend therapy before any surgery. It seems to me that if you had surgery now, you would still find a way to hate yourself.

Jen

HermersSis
06-25-2013, 09:16 PM
I donīt think you are shallow at all, actually I can relate to you, I also feel like I am waiting for something better and that i have been waiting way too much time.
I really hope you get the surgery soon..

Thank you. I was called shallow because way fatter girls than I ever was have guys and I probably just don't find them hot enough? I thought that was so insane, I mean yeah I'd like to be with someone I'm attracted to. Isn't that normal? Do I expect him to be a chiseled male god? Uh no.

HermersSis
06-25-2013, 09:20 PM
Shallow is not the word I would use. But I will give you my frank opinion - you have been warned.

I lost over 220 pounds. So I know what loose skin looks like. And I realize how discouraging it is. And I realize how LUCKY I am that I was able to have surgery.

That being said, there are people out there with HORRIFIC disfigurements that they can't hide under clothes. They would KILL to have your problem.

Your problem is in your head and I would HIGHLY recommend therapy before any surgery. It seems to me that if you had surgery now, you would still find a way to hate yourself.

Jen

There's always going to be someone worse off. I don't think that means my problems are suddenly invalid. I've had extensive therapy. What do I need therapy for? I don't have an irrational hate for nor thoughts about my body? I think it's pretty reasonable to be uncomfortable with my body and hate that I have to look this way. I honestly can't see what else would be a massive problem after surgery.

Also, you don't "know" what loose skin looks like. You know what your body looks like and you have no way of knowing how good or bad my body is.

Mommy2k9
06-25-2013, 09:21 PM
I totally understand wanting to have loose skin removed. I also have a dropping stomach after being overweight and having two kids. I would have my skin removed if I was closer to my goal weight. Also I heard that some Insurance companies cover the surgery, but you would have to check with your insurance to confirm.

HermersSis
06-25-2013, 09:24 PM
That's not shallow...that's the frigging mind games that losing all that weight plays w/ you. I swear to God, sometimes I look in the mirror and I still see the me that was 346 pounds. I know how much progress I've made...I know I've busted my butt to do it...but it's still not good enough for me and I still hate my huge stomach and flabby arms. I pick up an XL shirt and can't comprehend that it would actually fit me...in my head I'm still a 4X.

Honestly being told that I was actually really small is mind boggling. Seeing that I wear clothes labeled small just makes me feel like it
s all vanity sizing. But I really think it's the skin. There's like a good 30 pounds of skin. I can literally turn my body a certain way and morph my shape. It's just so gross to me and I can see my "real" self and it ticks me off that no amount of work will get me there. I have to wait for someone else to fix me.

I totally understand wanting to have loose skin removed. I also have a dropping stomach after being overweight and having two kids. I would have my skin removed if I was closer to my goal weight. Also I heard that some Insurance companies cover the surgery, but you would have to check with your insurance to confirm.

Not mine, it's considered cosmetic. I think I MAY be able to convince them but it would take a whole lot of trickery I'm not in the mood for.

Well first- loose skin (which is what you appear to be describing) will not be solved by losing more weight. So I'd have to agree that if you are at a healthy BMI, then stop trying to lose weight. Your skin will shrink some but if you were quite heavy then you may have to have surgery to get the loose skin taken care of. Bear in mind that a lot of times our brains retain this image of ourselves that isn't actually true to what we really look like. If you're used to seeing a fat you in the mirror, you may continue to see that even after you are thin. I'm the opposite- I was thin for years and in the mirror I still see a thin me, even though I'm actually quite heavy. The one place I see myself true to life is in photos. Maybe take some photos of yourself, cover up your face, and just look at your body in an objective fashion.

Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.

Well, in my mind I won't have self loathing issues when my body looks right. I can't be comfortable in my skin when I know I look ghastly naked and guys don't want to see that. I'm also 26, just turned so not quite. That's a whole other section of life that flew right passed me. But I agree with you, I can't have a solid intimate relationship hating my body, but I can't stop hating my body until I have surgery. Sure I can emotionally say i'll love myself and all that but it'd be crap. I don't dislike anything about myself except this extra skin I don't want. I think I'm a pretty great person. I think I've come really far in life. I think I'm interesting and unique. But I also think I'm disgusting without my clothes on and that I will not be able to find love looking like this. Sure I can find a guy, but I don't want any old guy I want a good one. I don't want to date a guy who had a plethora of problems of his own and has to settle for me because I'm the best he can do. I've done it before and it sucks. I really can't envision finding a guy who who is nice who doesn't have a ton of baggage or issues wanting to date a girl who looks like a 90 year old when naked no matter how cool she is. He'd have to know where I was coming from first. You know? Sorry for rambling.

You're not shallow. It's very natural to think there's "still more left to do" after reaching a reasonable weight. We've been overweight for so long that it takes a long time, if ever, that we can see our bodies for what they are now as opposed to what they were.

As for the loose skin, I have it and feel probably just as every bit self conscious about it as you. I tell you what though. I've seen many pictures on here of people who stated they felt awful about their skin and I always remember thinking that they don't look bad at all! We're so extremely hard on ourselves.

Surgery can help in that respect, if you have means to afford it. The right clothing and the right bra can also make a world of difference in how you look. Trust me, if you get to the point where you're naked with someone else, the last thing on their mind is going to be how you look.

DON'T delay your life because of how you feel about your appearance, overweight or not. I spent 42 years overweight and met everyone I know today, including my husband, while I was overweight.

I don't know if the link will go through but this is what I look like (this is not me though)

http://californiasurgicalinstituteblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/11/Body-Lift-2.jpg

I am not as big as she because I have absolutely no extra fat left. I'm more the size of the after picture, with the folds of the before picture and with worse breasts. I think a lot of people go off the notion that I'm exaggerating or have distorted vision. I really don't feel that way. My aunt used to say that to me until she went to consultation with me and saw how bad my skin is. She kept going on and on about my breasts and I didn't even care. They're horrendous. I was happy that someone aside from my mother was team me finally.

I keep getting these messages from everywhere about living for today and I just can't. Not like this. The absolute ONLY thing I want in life is love. I used to want a loving small group of friends and a boyfriend with a bunch of other stuff but I gave all of that up because it just kept failing. I only want to find love now. And I can't imagine my soulmate sitting across from me, happy to be in my presence with me looking the way I do. This skin makes me invisible to that person.

missunshine
06-28-2013, 01:59 PM
after reading your story i feel like you described my life. the delaying of everything and life passing by....i don't wan't to live like that and wake up one day old and alone still waiting to reach my perfect weight.
we need to work on our body acceptance and i understand your situation with excess skin and i really hope it works out for you but don't put your life on hold just because of that. there are people without arms and legs who live normally and they still find someone to love them.
your "married with weight loss" statement really hit me in the face. it's exactly how i feel right now.

cdavidowsky37
07-15-2013, 12:54 AM
Second- I wouldn't say you're shallow but I would say you seem to have a lot of issues.How can you have an intimate relationship with someone else when you have these self-loathing issues? You need to be comfortable in your own skin before you'll ever have a truly solid intimate relationship. The good news it that this nearly always happens in time, usually in your 30's. It sounds like you are in your early 20's. I'd just suggest you enjoy them, because they are a lot of fun. Don't take yourself so seriously. Go ahead and have relationships, but understand that a lot of them may turn out to be learning experiences. So what? Have fun. Make sure you do non-relationship things- ESPECIALLY when you are in a relationship. Don't let some guy become your whole life. Continue to hang out with your friends and cultivate your interests and hobbies.

This! This this this! I completely hear you on the overwhelming desire to find that one guy who's going to make you the happiest person in your life. But believe me, I've been there. I'm 25 years old and I just got married to a man I would never allow myself to love two years ago. I went searching for him back when I was so so young, and I made more mistakes than I could imagine. I wish someone had told me back then that I need to learn to love myself first, but they didn't. I was depressed and my self-esteem was rock bottom. I ended up falling in love with a guy who abused me emotionally and mentally for four years, and I didn't even realize it until I met the man who is now my husband. When we started dating, he loved me and called me beautiful every day and still does. He kept me smiling when I wanted to throw up everything I had eaten that day and starve myself, when I wanted to just keep abusing myself because I didn't think I was worth it.

I still have those days, but they're few and far between, and the distance between each one continues to grow. I couldn't have done anything without the realization that I am worth it. And so are you. You are worth the love you give yourself, and that's the most important love in the world. The more you love yourself, and the more positivity you focus towards yourself, the more other people will see. Don't give up on you. :hug:

pnkrckpixikat
08-05-2013, 10:02 PM
You thought that losing weight would make you happy with your body... It didn't

Now you think that having surgery will make you happy with your body... It might but after reading this I worry for you that you will find SOMETHING else to hate, likely the scars.

I think that while you save for the surgery you really should work on accepting your body, finding things about it that you love. It sounds as if you have avoided life due to fears that others would not accept you for you because YOU couldn't accept yourself. Your self esteem and perception is not going to magically change, you need to work on it in yourself.

I'm not talking out my a**, I have been dealing with the same issues in myself. I am not to weight yet and am not dealing with loose skin yet, but up until recently I hid myself away in the belief that other people wouldn't want me, as a girlfriend or friend or teammate etc. and when no one went out of their way to prove me wrong, or took one or two excuses on why i couldn't go out with them etc before giving up it only proved me right in my head. I am getting better at not letting my low self esteem control what I do with my life, I have been working on putting myself out there but it is slow going and not the most comfortable of tasks.

I have these problems even though I do NOT hate myself or feel I am undeserving etc etc etc. I just judge my faults harshly and figure others judge me even more harshly... but really, they don't.

good luck

kaplods
08-05-2013, 11:16 PM
I wasted a lot of years putting my life on hold. I too wasn't willing to "settle," and so I allowed myself nothing because I was waiting for everything.

When I came across Fat Acceptance rhetoric, I realized that my hopes and expectations for a perfect future were ruining my present. My all or nothing thinking was forcing me to settle for nothing.

I decided (with a lot of help from Big Beautiful Woman and Radiance magazines) that I deserved everything NOW, not 150 lbs from now.

I stopped dieting (and as a result also stopped gaining) and started living.

I started eating better and exercising more because I DESERVED it (probably why I stopped gaining, I was putting ME first).

I started dating, mostly through personal ads I placed, describing how super-awesome I was.

I stopped letting my weight define, limit, and cripple me. I expected to find awesome men, who would recognize my awesomeness and I did.

I learned that good-looking guys become very unnattractive, very fast if they have nothing else, and nerdy even unattractive guys can become super-sexy-hot when you open yourself up to discovering the whole package.

My husband and I met at near our highest weights. We didn't "settle" for anything. He had dated thinner and more beautiful women (he is so charismatic that thinner, younger, prettier girls are still trying to lure him away from me, but he has eyes only for my fabulous, sexy, awesome, gorgeous self). I had dated thinner and more handsome men.

I had never dated a man so perfect for me, and I'm confident that hubby could not have found a woman more perfect for him than me. And that's why we fell in love.

Even our heavy weights were perfect for each other, because we've been able to share the journey of getting healthier and thinner together. No hard-bodied Adonis would have been able to understand or to be there for me, in the way he has.

Looks are the tiniest part of sexiness and awesomeness. When you fall in love with someone, they become the sexiest, most attractive person on the planet. Even a third eye could become sexy if it came with a person perfect for you in every other way - at least if you strong enough, smart enough, and brave enough to allow for the possibility. There's nothing sexy or attractive about a man or woman who is turned on only by physical perfection as defined by mass-market standards.

I refused to settle for a man who was crippled by his inability to see MY perfection exactly as I am (and whose perfection AND imperfections complimented my own).

When I realized hubby was perfect for me, he became the sexiest, handsomest man in the universe. Even with his pot belly and "frog butt".

When you get to know the right "frog" he doesn't become a prince, you learn to see the prince that was always there.

No one is perfect, so the only alternative to "settling" for imperfection is settling for nothing.

And since I decided not settle for nothing, I decided I'd much rather settle for imperfection in physical beauty and material wealth than an imperfection in character (intellect, integrity, morality, compassion...)

I also chose a man who would make that same choice, because I refused to settle for a man who wouldn't. A flashy paint job is nice, but what really matters is what's under the hood.

Hubby and I may look like battered pick-up trucks, but where it matters, we're luxury sportscars all the way.

mimsyborogoves
08-06-2013, 12:43 AM
I wanted to let you know I have many of the same issues with my own body. Through my journey with weight loss on 3FC, I've lost 90lbs. But really, I've lost almost 130lbs from my high weight. Loose skin is very prevalent and I'm very self-conscious of it. I can't really afford surgery nor do I want to. However, the way you describe yourself and the way you treat yourself is much like I treat myself, and I'm actually seriously considering getting therapy. It's like no matter what I do, I can't see the me that other people see. I wear 6s and smalls but I, too, can't really believe that that's actually me because the way my body looks to me tells me otherwise. I can't tell you how many times I look in the mirror and think I look disgusting because of my skin. I can't tell you how many times I've stayed clothed with my current sexual partner because I didn't want him to see my skin -- and he's known me and been with me for nearly 4 years now and met me and seen me when I was at my very heaviest. I can't tell you how simply SELF CONSCIOUS I am to the point that it affects me in social situations and I'm too scared to be myself because I think that my very presence puts people off.

And I'm scared that even after surgery, or after losing an extra five pounds, or exercising til the cows come home, I still won't be happy. There's always going to be an imperfection to fixate on. I, too, just want to be able to accept myself for who I am so that others will be able to accept me. I second Cherry Pie when I say it might not hurt to get some insight on your self-esteem before you go the surgery route; or even better, do it before, during, and after the surgery process. Help yourself love yourself. I know I need help to love myself, so I'm reaching out. You're not alone. :)

HermersSis
08-16-2013, 03:48 PM
You thought that losing weight would make you happy with your body... It didn't

Now you think that having surgery will make you happy with your body... It might but after reading this I worry for you that you will find SOMETHING else to hate, likely the scars.

I think that while you save for the surgery you really should work on accepting your body, finding things about it that you love. It sounds as if you have avoided life due to fears that others would not accept you for you because YOU couldn't accept yourself. Your self esteem and perception is not going to magically change, you need to work on it in yourself.

I'm not talking out my a**, I have been dealing with the same issues in myself. I am not to weight yet and am not dealing with loose skin yet, but up until recently I hid myself away in the belief that other people wouldn't want me, as a girlfriend or friend or teammate etc. and when no one went out of their way to prove me wrong, or took one or two excuses on why i couldn't go out with them etc before giving up it only proved me right in my head. I am getting better at not letting my low self esteem control what I do with my life, I have been working on putting myself out there but it is slow going and not the most comfortable of tasks.

I have these problems even though I do NOT hate myself or feel I am undeserving etc etc etc. I just judge my faults harshly and figure others judge me even more harshly... but really, they don't.

good luck

I didn't know this was still going. I had surgery and I'm pretty damn happy. So I guess you're wrong. No offense but my problems are mine and yours are yours. It's kind of offensive to have someone think they know so much about me from an online post.

Oh and also, I didn't "think" weight loss would make me happy. It did make me happy but I'm not someone who settles for second or third. The skin was the next obstacle and I tackled that so far. Please don't think my moments of weakness and seeking conversation define me as a person or that I don't know myself better than the next person.

HermersSis
08-16-2013, 03:49 PM
I wanted to let you know I have many of the same issues with my own body. Through my journey with weight loss on 3FC, I've lost 90lbs. But really, I've lost almost 130lbs from my high weight. Loose skin is very prevalent and I'm very self-conscious of it. I can't really afford surgery nor do I want to. However, the way you describe yourself and the way you treat yourself is much like I treat myself, and I'm actually seriously considering getting therapy. It's like no matter what I do, I can't see the me that other people see. I wear 6s and smalls but I, too, can't really believe that that's actually me because the way my body looks to me tells me otherwise. I can't tell you how many times I look in the mirror and think I look disgusting because of my skin. I can't tell you how many times I've stayed clothed with my current sexual partner because I didn't want him to see my skin -- and he's known me and been with me for nearly 4 years now and met me and seen me when I was at my very heaviest. I can't tell you how simply SELF CONSCIOUS I am to the point that it affects me in social situations and I'm too scared to be myself because I think that my very presence puts people off.

And I'm scared that even after surgery, or after losing an extra five pounds, or exercising til the cows come home, I still won't be happy. There's always going to be an imperfection to fixate on. I, too, just want to be able to accept myself for who I am so that others will be able to accept me. I second Cherry Pie when I say it might not hurt to get some insight on your self-esteem before you go the surgery route; or even better, do it before, during, and after the surgery process. Help yourself love yourself. I know I need help to love myself, so I'm reaching out. You're not alone. :)

Posted another thread, pretty stocked with my surgery myself.

HermersSis
08-16-2013, 03:53 PM
I wasted a lot of years putting my life on hold. I too wasn't willing to "settle," and so I allowed myself nothing because I was waiting for everything.

When I came across Fat Acceptance rhetoric, I realized that my hopes and expectations for a perfect future were ruining my present. My all or nothing thinking was forcing me to settle for nothing.

I decided (with a lot of help from Big Beautiful Woman and Radiance magazines) that I deserved everything NOW, not 150 lbs from now.

I stopped dieting (and as a result also stopped gaining) and started living.

I started eating better and exercising more because I DESERVED it (probably why I stopped gaining, I was putting ME first).

I started dating, mostly through personal ads I placed, describing how super-awesome I was.

I stopped letting my weight define, limit, and cripple me. I expected to find awesome men, who would recognize my awesomeness and I did.

I learned that good-looking guys become very unnattractive, very fast if they have nothing else, and nerdy even unattractive guys can become super-sexy-hot when you open yourself up to discovering the whole package.

My husband and I met at near our highest weights. We didn't "settle" for anything. He had dated thinner and more beautiful women (he is so charismatic that thinner, younger, prettier girls are still trying to lure him away from me, but he has eyes only for my fabulous, sexy, awesome, gorgeous self). I had dated thinner and more handsome men.

I had never dated a man so perfect for me, and I'm confident that hubby could not have found a woman more perfect for him than me. And that's why we fell in love.

Even our heavy weights were perfect for each other, because we've been able to share the journey of getting healthier and thinner together. No hard-bodied Adonis would have been able to understand or to be there for me, in the way he has.

Looks are the tiniest part of sexiness and awesomeness. When you fall in love with someone, they become the sexiest, most attractive person on the planet. Even a third eye could become sexy if it came with a person perfect for you in every other way - at least if you strong enough, smart enough, and brave enough to allow for the possibility. There's nothing sexy or attractive about a man or woman who is turned on only by physical perfection as defined by mass-market standards.

I refused to settle for a man who was crippled by his inability to see MY perfection exactly as I am (and whose perfection AND imperfections complimented my own).

When I realized hubby was perfect for me, he became the sexiest, handsomest man in the universe. Even with his pot belly and "frog butt".

When you get to know the right "frog" he doesn't become a prince, you learn to see the prince that was always there.

No one is perfect, so the only alternative to "settling" for imperfection is settling for nothing.

And since I decided not settle for nothing, I decided I'd much rather settle for imperfection in physical beauty and material wealth than an imperfection in character (intellect, integrity, morality, compassion...)

I also chose a man who would make that same choice, because I refused to settle for a man who wouldn't. A flashy paint job is nice, but what really matters is what's under the hood.

Hubby and I may look like battered pick-up trucks, but where it matters, we're luxury sportscars all the way.

That's nice. I decided to work on my appearance, spent years doing it, toiled over every aspect (I'm a stresser) then fixed one of my deformities. Never felt better. Looking forward to going to do my own thing. I actually couldn't give a crap less about dating, which is how I expected to feel afterward. :)

HermersSis
08-16-2013, 03:55 PM
after reading your story i feel like you described my life. the delaying of everything and life passing by....i don't wan't to live like that and wake up one day old and alone still waiting to reach my perfect weight.
we need to work on our body acceptance and i understand your situation with excess skin and i really hope it works out for you but don't put your life on hold just because of that. there are people without arms and legs who live normally and they still find someone to love them.
your "married with weight loss" statement really hit me in the face. it's exactly how i feel right now.

I stuck with it and the skin removal. I know that path that is right for me and I'm happy with my choices. Extremely happy.

kaplods
08-16-2013, 04:55 PM
That's nice. I decided to work on my appearance, spent years doing it, toiled over every aspect (I'm a stresser) then fixed one of my deformities. Never felt better. Looking forward to going to do my own thing. I actually couldn't give a crap less about dating, which is how I expected to feel afterward. :)


That's not what came across in your original post. You sounded sad, lonely, angry, and bitter. And that's what people were responding to. Focusing on beauty is seen as shallow in our culture, in fact, it's pretty much the definition of shallow, but who cares. If shallow makes you happy embrace the shallow for however long your beauty lasts.

People were just trying to help, to encourage you to see the beauty in things that last forever like character, intellect, and passion, but if spending years on your appearance is where you want to be, enjoy!

HermersSis
08-16-2013, 05:09 PM
That's not what came across in your original post. You sounded sad, lonely, angry, and bitter. And that's what people were responding to. Focusing on beauty is seen as shallow in our culture, in fact, it's pretty much the definition of shallow, but who cares. If shallow makes you happy embrace the shallow for however long your beauty lasts.

People were just trying to help, to encourage you to see the beauty in things that last forever like character, intellect, and passion, but if spending years on your appearance is where you want to be, enjoy!

Well duh, I was upset about something in particular. I don't need help focusing on myself as a person. I've been doing that for 7+ years and I'm pretty happy with the person I've become. I was not happy with being deformed from weight loss. You do know people can do both right? Not being happy with a visual deformity =\= having low self esteem. Also, past tense that, SPENT years fixing my body, spent even more fixing my mind. And it's effin awesome to be here now, so I am enjoying!

MauiKai
08-16-2013, 09:37 PM
You are really being quite mean to these people who only offered their thoughts to help you as they could.

kaplods
08-16-2013, 10:31 PM
Happy people generally don't lash out at well-meant advice, even if the advice turns out to be advice you think idiotic and have no use for.

You may be a very "deep" person, but none of that comes out in your posts. You don't sound happy, you sound even more angry, bitter, and hostile than ever.

When you ask people for advice, they can only give generic advice that they found helpful in the past, because of course they can't tell much about you from the little bit you've shared.

If the advice doesn't fit, realize it's generic and just not for you. People can't help but make assumptions about you based on what you've shared, just as you obviously can't help but make assumptions about those of us who tried to give you advice based on our experience.

You don't like the advice, fine, don't take it. But don't get angry that we don't know more about you than what you chose to share.

What you have chosen to share does not paint you as a happy, compassionate, gracious, self-satisfied person. Such a person would realize people were only sharing lessons they had learned. So none of it was what you wanted to hear, that's what you get when you ask strangers for advice.

If you want tailor made advice, ask someone who knows you, though they still may not tell you what you want to hear. If you need to hear only what you want to hear, and are going to get offended at anything else (as you did in this thread) have the courtesy to hand your audience a script so they can read from it.

HermersSis
08-17-2013, 10:02 AM
Happy people generally don't lash out at well-meant advice, even if the advice turns out to be advice you think idiotic and have no use for.

You may be a very "deep" person, but none of that comes out in your posts. You don't sound happy, you sound even more angry, bitter, and hostile than ever.

When you ask people for advice, they can only give generic advice that they found helpful in the past, because of course they can't tell much about you from the little bit you've shared.

If the advice doesn't fit, realize it's generic and just not for you. People can't help but make assumptions about you based on what you've shared, just as you obviously can't help but make assumptions about those of us who tried to give you advice based on our experience.

You don't like the advice, fine, don't take it. But don't get angry that we don't know more about you than what you chose to share.

What you have chosen to share does not paint you as a happy, compassionate, gracious, self-satisfied person. Such a person would realize people were only sharing lessons they had learned. So none of it was what you wanted to hear, that's what you get when you ask strangers for advice.

If you want tailor made advice, ask someone who knows you, though they still may not tell you what you want to hear. If you need to hear only what you want to hear, and are going to get offended at anything else (as you did in this thread) have the courtesy to hand your audience a script so they can read from it.

Man you really want to argue. Okay whatever! Lol, what do you want to hear? I can barely stay awake to write this. Um. Sure I'm totally unhappy and you're really right about me in my moment of extreme weakness from two months ago. Alright? Are YOU happy now?

HermersSis
08-17-2013, 10:13 AM
You are really being quite mean to these people who only offered their thoughts to help you as they could.

"I stuck with it and the skin removal. I know that path that is right for me and I'm happy with my choices. Extremely happy."

How is this mean?

"That's nice. I decided to work on my appearance, spent years doing it, toiled over every aspect (I'm a stresser) then fixed one of my deformities. Never felt better. Looking forward to going to do my own thing. I actually couldn't give a crap less about dating, which is how I expected to feel afterward. "

Or this?

"Posted another thread, pretty stocked with my surgery myself."

This...this is mean?

"I didn't know this was still going. I had surgery and I'm pretty damn happy. So I guess you're wrong. No offense but my problems are mine and yours are yours. It's kind of offensive to have someone think they know so much about me from an online post.

Oh and also, I didn't "think" weight loss would make me happy. It did make me happy but I'm not someone who settles for second or third. The skin was the next obstacle and I tackled that so far. Please don't think my moments of weakness and seeking conversation define me as a person or that I don't know myself better than the next person."

And this, in response to being told I have low self-esteem. So How do you go about telling someone that something you wrote in a huge depressive episode isn't an accurate description of them?

And then we get this comment:

"If shallow makes you happy embrace the shallow for however long your beauty lasts."

So because my skin deformity actual WAS the problem I was having and not some deep seated issue everyone else wanted it to be, that makes it alright for someone to call me shallow and then not expect a snarky reply back?

All of my replies were updating and one was to a person who made far too many assumptions about me that I politely told them they were wrong, only to get an armchair psychologist coming at me with snarky reply after snarky reply. If that makes ME the problem then I'll just remove myself from this community. Good day.