Weight Loss Support - Weight loss advice from skinny people...Ugh!




Joil
05-26-2013, 11:51 PM
Is it just me who finds it annoying when skinny people decide to give advice on weight loss? Because I do!
I have a friend who 120 lbs at the most, eats A LOT and never gains any weight. She can eat two huge helpings of pasta in one sitting and just laughs it off. She is a funny girl I have to say. But when she starts talking to me about how she knows it's hard to loose weight, it's hard to not wear what I want and then gives me ideas about how I should go about loosing weight. SHE ANNOYS ME!!!
And she's not the only one who does this. If you've never been overweight you have no idea how it feels. And it's a lot more complicated then just saying to someone: stop eating!!
Ugh!!


Candeka
05-26-2013, 11:56 PM
You never know her struggles. Maybe she eats those 2 helpings of pasta but then doesn't eat for the rest of the day or barely eats the next day (this happens with a lot of smaller people who "eat a lot"). They just naturally control their eating by eating less after a huge meal without realizing it.

Maybe she weighs 120 but really wants to weigh 115 and is struggling to lose that 5 pounds so she feels like she knows the struggles you are going through.

When it comes to wearing what she wants - maybe she has a muffin top (lots of skinny people can still have muffin tops) and can't wear that tight shirt she really likes. Or her fat is located in one spot that makes certain cuts look awful.

I know it's hard, but sometimes we have to realize that they also struggle with the same issues - even if they are at or are lower than our GOAL weights! Even the skinniest people can hate their bodies and feel uncomfortable in them.

I used to get annoyed as well. It was very frustrating. Then I learned that we all have the same struggles, sometimes just in smaller packages and I've had to teach myself to be more understanding. Now, whenever I hear smaller friends talking about, I can totally sympathize and relate and make conversation about it!

Joil
05-27-2013, 12:03 AM
Yes that can happen but it is not the case here. She is a very well adjusted girl with no body image issues. In fact she and everyone else thinks she has a great body. She prides herself on being able to eat whatever she wants whenever she wants. That's all good and well. I just wish she would not tell me about being over weight as if she knows what that's like. That's what I find annoying!!!


Candeka
05-27-2013, 12:13 AM
Yes that can happen but it is not the case here. She is a very well adjusted girl with no body image issues. In fact she and everyone else thinks she has a great body. She prides herself on being able to eat whatever she wants whenever she wants. That's all good and well. I just wish she would not tell me about being over weight as if she knows what that's like. That's what I find annoying!!!

oOo, I gotcha!! Yeah that would be annoying. Maybe she was overweight as a child lol? Unless you've known her for a long time and know she's had a rockin' body forever... In which case, that would be very annoying!

Joil
05-27-2013, 12:39 AM
Yep, known her since we were seven years old. She's always had a rockin' body. :):)
I just wish sometimes that people would understand saying to someone: stop eating if weight is a problem for you does not help at all!!!

Emma4545
05-27-2013, 06:55 AM
Last year I went out with a co worker and she flippantly told me "why don't you just cut back on food?" and I had a few drinks and well, lets just say, my full level of sarcasm came flying out. Yeh we don't go out for drinks these days. :)

sacha
05-27-2013, 07:32 AM
People should just generally refrain from offering unsolicited advice.

I've maintained so long (and to the other spectrum of getting quite fit) so I get asked a lot of times, but I would never 'offer' advice that nobody asked for.

Lumia
05-27-2013, 08:30 AM
Hahaaa... Time is on your side in this case, because 90% of effortlessly skinny young women start gaining weight after 30, slowly but steadily. And since none of them ever had to make an effort to be slim, the call is tough;)

freelancemomma
05-27-2013, 08:30 AM
Is it just me who finds it annoying when skinny people decide to give advice on weight loss? Because I do!
I have a friend who 120 lbs at the most, eats A LOT and never gains any weight. She can eat two huge helpings of pasta in one sitting and just laughs it off... If you've never been overweight you have no idea how it feels. And it's a lot more complicated then just saying to someone: stop eating!!
Ugh!!

I agree that it's more complicated than saying "stop eating" because some of us find this MUCH harder to do than others. But on another level it's the only advice that really has traction. We have to figure out how to stop eating. I also think you may learn something by watching your friend, especially if you spend several days in a row with her. As another poster mentioned, she may eat those two bowls of pasta, but perhaps she's eaten very little all day or will have very little the next day to compensate. In my experience, just about all thin people do this, either instinctively or deliberately.

Freelance

JenMusic
05-27-2013, 08:38 AM
What I truly find frustrating (and depressing) is when (objectively) normal weight people - almost always women or girls - disparagingly refer to themselves as "fat." Now, I have no trouble with that word. I was, for the majority of my life, fat. But that was very hurtful to me when I was sitting next to them, obviously obese, and they would say with disgust, "I'm so fat" while pinching at some skin. They were loading up the word with all kinds of negative meaning, and it made me wonder - if they felt that way about themselves, how did they feel about me, a person who actually WAS fat?

Wannabeskinny
05-27-2013, 08:48 AM
Gee I only wish I could get some good advice from someone who is thin. People are always telling me that I'm NOT fat and that I'm beautiful. It's so annoying! Nobody offers any good advice. It's so taboo.

What I truly find frustrating (and depressing) is when (objectively) normal weight people - almost always women or girls - disparagingly refer to themselves as "fat." Now, I have no trouble with that word. I was, for the majority of my life, fat. But that was very hurtful to me when I was sitting next to them, obviously obese, and they would say with disgust, "I'm so fat" while pinching at some skin. They were loading up the word with all kinds of negative meaning, and it made me wonder - if they felt that way about themselves, how did they feel about me, a person who actually WAS fat?

They're just talking about themselves. People see themselves in a negative light and really don't think much about other people. Everyone is self centered and thinking about themselves. Don't look into it, I know how it feels - like you're thinking 'gee I wish I had your problems' but it really does not mean that they are saying "I'm fat, therefore you're disgusting!" at all!

luckymommy
05-27-2013, 08:51 AM
I've had skinny friends tell me to just eat smaller portions and I just tell them that saying that is like telling an alcoholic to just have only a few drinks. It doesn't always work.

I do often ask them what they eat in a typical day. That part fascinates me and I end up finding out that they often do watch what they eat. However, my brother in law's fiancee can truly eat a lot and she has a body that I would absolutely love to have. She has stayed with us for extended periods of time and never turns down food. She can eat just as much as I do and does so with reckless abandon. She doesn't work out and is generally not very active.

She has asked me why I gained so much weight (she met me when I was skinny right after I had lost weight and then saw me a short time later, 50 lbs. heavier). I told her that I'm an emotional eater and food is my drug. She felt bad for me and didn't tell me to just cut back on portions....lucky for her! ;)

sacha
05-27-2013, 09:35 AM
I have to admit I detest the term "effortlessly skinny". Just because a person does not have issues with food, does not mean it is effortless at all. Their effort is just a different method. They listen to their bodies differently, they view portions differently, they behave differently behind closed doors and in different situations.

I have been called "effortlessly skinny" by those who did not know me before when I was overweight. They are SO wrong about that, but they perceive me as being effortless. I've been doing this long enough that I don't have to count calories, I can enjoy food at a restaurant, and I don't lament about my weight (anymore). But believe me, my effort exists, it is just unconsious. Consider it a repetition of good habits.

elvislover324
05-27-2013, 09:35 AM
If you have never been heavy, I think you just don't get it. There is so much more to being heavy than just what we eat (or don't), what we wear (or don't), and it's not something that can be described in words as far as I know. I don't think a thin (or thinner) person can give advice if they never struggled with their weight (and I don't mean a person who is 125 and wants to be 120). I'm glad they don't understand what it's like to have to lose 100+ pounds but it's never going to be a comparable conversation/effort/achievement. It would be like comparing someone with only 1 leg having to crutch herself around and me holding up my leg saying I understand what it's like if I use a crutch and hold my leg up. Probably not the best analogy but I'm only on my first cup of coffee.

Amarantha2
05-27-2013, 09:42 AM
I've noticed that on weight centric boards sometimes people are labelled "skinny" or "normal" or whatever a lot to delineate "them" from "us," but really, we are all human whatever we weigh and even close friends should not judge the struggles others go through, weight wise or whatever. I've been guilty of that in the past (and decades ago I DID weigh much more than I do now and "skinny" people annoyed me just on general principles).

Nowadays I am "old" (another label) in the case of close friends, I know I can never really know what they struggle with or why they do what they do so I try to cut them some slack.

That said, I don't think anyone of whatever weight should give unsolicited advice ... lol ... so I have none to add to this thread. :rofl:

sacha
05-27-2013, 09:43 AM
Kind of reminds me of how people think having a dog is just like being a parent.... lol. I can't believe I used to think that too.

newleaf123
05-27-2013, 10:18 AM
Last year when I was visiting my mother for 2 weeks, she was going on and on about how people feel like their comparatively minor medical situations are similar to hers, but that they just can't understand unless they have been through what she has (breast cancer, ovarian cancer, open heart surgery). And I totally agree with her.

My mother has been underweight to mid-range normal BMI all her life. A couple days after the above conversation she was simplifying why it should be easy for me to lose my excess weight, because it has never been difficult for her. Luckily I was able to refer her back to the medical conversation and tell her it was the same thing -- that she may *think* she understands, but unless she has struggled with obesity for her entire adult life, she truly couldn't really understand. She seemed to finally get it.

AliceHayes
05-27-2013, 11:16 AM
I once upon a time used to be skinny but that was when I was a child up to late teens. I used to be big into exercising back then. Since I stopped exercising and especially since I got an office job a few years ago, my metabolic system has gone haywire and of course age doesn't really help. I used to be one of those girls who'd take pride in being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted and I used to have a washboard tummy. I did not appreciate what I had until I lost it. It is increasingly hard to get that body back. I hate walking into shops and finding nice clothes that don't fit me.

Ive tried to get motivated and even tried weight loss programmes at the gym but that just kept my weight at a steady weight. Its not just about the weight, its also toning up I desperately need and that's something a cosmetic surgeon will need to sort out. No matter how much exercising I do, I think im going to need to get surgerical help.

KittyKatFan
05-27-2013, 11:43 AM
It's almost as irritating as people telling you when you should stop losing weight: "you don't need to lose anymore." I hate that. It s up to me when to stop, not anyone else.

Vex
05-27-2013, 11:47 AM
Your life is going to be full of people who say "You should..." You should just stop eating, you should just do your work this way, you should just take care of your kids this way, you should believe this religion.....

9 times out of 10 we're going to think whoever is saying "You should" is off their rocker as they don't understand OUR specific issue.

Is it annoying? Heck yeah. Once you get that initial emotional block out of the way though, you may try to find something in what they're saying that you can learn from. There may be nothing, but you never know.

Your friend who is and has been thin all her life? There's something to that, either mentally or physically. It would be interesting to find out why.

Radiojane
05-27-2013, 12:15 PM
Just remember that most people are coming from a kind place. It's annoying to some extent, I get that. I go through this with my bestie all the time, she's another "naturally thin" person, and I used to resent that, but as I get further into this journey and it's more about nourishment and health for me than just "skinny", I understand that I would never want to be her, even if it meant I was thin, because her lifestyle is not good for anyone.

She's full of a lot of good advice (usually what she's read in reader's digest), and I smile, nod and thank her for her help and move on. She wants to engage in this part of my life, because we're close and changing my lifestyle has enveloped a huge part of me this past year. She wants me to succeed. this is usually the case with most people who sit down and proceed to tell me what I should do to keep losing. (and once I got the first 100 pounds off, they decided whatever i was doing was obviously working and left me alone :) )

There are people that come from a condescending place too, but you know you're strong enough to ignore them.

lin43
05-27-2013, 01:14 PM
What I truly find frustrating (and depressing) is when (objectively) normal weight people - almost always women or girls - disparagingly refer to themselves as "fat." Now, I have no trouble with that word. I was, for the majority of my life, fat. But that was very hurtful to me when I was sitting next to them, obviously obese, and they would say with disgust, "I'm so fat" while pinching at some skin. They were loading up the word with all kinds of negative meaning, and it made me wonder - if they felt that way about themselves, how did they feel about me, a person who actually WAS fat?

ITA. I feel it's insensitive for a thin person to complain about her weight to someone who is obviously larger than she is. Right now, I am "normal" weight--not super thin, and not fat. Even though I struggle to stay where I'm at (and struggled to get here), I would not complain about how "fat" I am to someone who is obviously bigger than I am. For one thing, objectively, I'm not "fat," so it's disingenuous for me to assert that; what am I, fishing for compliments?

As for the OP's friend, I often don't like unsolicited advice, especially if I believe the person has not been in my shoes. However, I've learned that if I complain about my weight in front of others, they may feel free to offer me advice. I don't think that reaction is abnormal. I usually do not discuss my struggles with my husband because he has never had an eating problem, so he cannot relate. Besides, if he does offer advice, it will be of the "just eat less" variety that I already objectively know but find difficult to practice.

Is it annoying? Heck yeah. Once you get that initial emotional block out of the way though, you may try to find something in what they're saying that you can learn from. There may be nothing, but you never know.

Your friend who is and has been thin all her life? There's something to that, either mentally or physically. It would be interesting to find out why.

I agree. I do think that sometimes if we have been through something (weight loss, medical issue, etc.) we see ourselves as somewhat "superior" to those who haven't been through it when they may be just trying to help us. We reject their advice almost automatically because we have this "you-haven't-been-where-I-have" attitude. I see this attitude a lot in parents. Since I do not have children, I notice that parents get this superior attitude as if I have no right to have an opinion of what appropriate behavior is (e.g., I'm eating in a fine dining restaurant and a couple decides it's cute and okay for their children to play on the floor next to the table and scream---the rest of the patrons 'be damned'). The fact is, though, that many of us are called to have opinions on issues that we have not been directly involved in (e.g., most political issues). My point in all this is just to say that people often offer advice with good intent. I am working on being humble enough to view the advice objectively rather than just reject it because it came from someone who hasn't had similar experiences to me.

GlamourGirl827
05-27-2013, 01:30 PM
Kind of reminds me of how people think having a dog is just like being a parent.... lol. I can't believe I used to think that too.

omg, I couldn't agree more. I cringe when people say that!!

Its also like a nonsmoker giving advice to quit,
nonalcoholic giving advice on how to stop drinking,
basically thinking we know where someone is coming from, when we have no idea!!

aspen13
05-27-2013, 01:37 PM
Hahaaa... Time is on your side in this case, because 90% of effortlessly skinny young women start gaining weight after 30, slowly but steadily. And since none of them ever had to make an effort to be slim, the call is tough;)

This is what I was thinking. I was very skinny as a child and young adult. I also could eat all I wanted and anything I wanted without worrying about gaining an oz. Then my childhood and early adult life went by. I would have never thought I would struggle with weight issues.

GlamourGirl827
05-27-2013, 01:56 PM
As for the OP's friend, I often don't like unsolicited advice, especially if I believe the person has not been in my shoes. However, I've learned that if I complain about my weight in front of others, they may feel free to offer me advice. I don't think that reaction is abnormal. I usually do not discuss my struggles with my husband because he has never had an eating problem, so he cannot relate. Besides, if he does offer advice, it will be of the "just eat less" variety that I already objectively know but find difficult to practice.

.


I agree with this, if we complain about our weight infront of others, its an invitation for advice. Not saying the OP was talking about her weight first, just that avoiding comments about our weight or weightloss struggles may stop some people from making comments. I also agree that we should try not to give advice to those in situation we do not understand in the least. In cases where someone is facing an issue or filling a role that we cannot understand (i.e. cancer) then support is always the best option.


I agree. I do think that sometimes if we have been through something (weight loss, medical issue, etc.) we see ourselves as somewhat "superior" to those who haven't been through it when they may be just trying to help us. We reject their advice almost automatically because we have this "you-haven't-been-where-I-have" attitude. I see this attitude a lot in parents. Since I do not have children, I notice that parents get this superior attitude as if I have no right to have an opinion of what appropriate behavior is (e.g., I'm eating in a fine dining restaurant and a couple decides it's cute and okay for their children to play on the floor next to the table and scream---the rest of the patrons 'be damned'). The fact is, though, that many of us are called to have opinions on issues that we have not been directly involved in (e.g., most political issues). My point in all this is just to say that people often offer advice with good intent. I am working on being humble enough to view the advice objectively rather than just reject it because it came from someone who hasn't had similar experiences to me.

I think a lot of this somes from a chip on some people's shoulders. What you perceive as superior is having experience in the role as a parents. As much as you are entitled to your opinions, it doesn't mean they have any merit or place. We gain knowledge through two main sources, education and experience. If you do not have experience with children (teaching, parenting) and you do not have education in child rearing, your opinions are empty and have no basis and have no purpose other than you wanting to form ideas about things you don;t understand. And the truth is if you haven't been where someone has been, then you are also making your opinions on assumptions, what you assume or believe it to be like. But in reality you have no clue. I guess if you want to use the word superior, although I wouldn't, you could say that a parent's opinion is superior to yours. But its not someplace you couldnt be, if you had children in the future. But being annoyed at someone's kids in a restaurant doesn;t mean your opinions mean anything, and it doesn't mean the parents feel superior. Thats a huge leap.
People that have experience in things have opinions that carry more weight than those who don't. Like weight loss. Now of course a life long thin person could be educated in weight loss, but they lack the personal experience.

I am a nurse, and I've have many patients with various challenges, MS, cancer of all kinds, spinal cord injuries....and I could, in some cases, have more book knowledge on their disease, but I do not have the personal experience, and I never proclaim to know where they are coming from. And yes, their opinion is superior to mine, because they live their disease everyday, they know first hand the struggles and challenges. And at the end of the day, I go home, but they live everyday with what they face. It has been in my experience that experience is the ultimate teacher and gives us the most understanding of something and the most worthy of opinions.
Opinions without experience and/or education are hot air really.

Assuming a thin person has always been thin, they probably are giving advice the same way (if I may borrow the example above) non parents give advice to parents. THey seem to have this idea of "how hard can it really be" or "if I were you I'd handle it some much better and have this problem solved"...only if it were that easy none of us would ever be a pound over weight! Losing weight looks easy from a non fat perspective, just as parenting might look easy from a non parents perspective at a neighboring restaurant table! But we know that there's more to it than that.

sacha
05-27-2013, 01:58 PM
I do also think (and as hard as this is for me to admit), in regards to weight loss (and parenting advice) that people without personal experience can sometimes offer practical and non-emotional advice. My sister has given me wonderful advice on my children from her childless/no-experience-with-children viewpoint, sometimes I'm too clouded with mommy eyes to see what's in front of me! :)

Wannabeskinny
05-27-2013, 02:08 PM
I have to admit I detest the term "effortlessly skinny". Just because a person does not have issues with food, does not mean it is effortless at all. Their effort is just a different method. They listen to their bodies differently, they view portions differently, they behave differently behind closed doors and in different situations.

I have been called "effortlessly skinny" by those who did not know me before when I was overweight. They are SO wrong about that, but they perceive me as being effortless. I've been doing this long enough that I don't have to count calories, I can enjoy food at a restaurant, and I don't lament about my weight (anymore). But believe me, my effort exists, it is just unconsious. Consider it a repetition of good habits.

What's your secret? I'm less interested in what naturally skinny people do because I will never be like that. I'm more interested in people who have lost and kept off weight, it's my hope to be like that someday. What's the secret to changing your life, how to keep it off and do you ever worry about gaining it all back as so many do?

freelancemomma
05-27-2013, 02:38 PM
I do also think (and as hard as this is for me to admit), in regards to weight loss (and parenting advice) that people without personal experience can sometimes offer practical and non-emotional advice. My sister has given me wonderful advice on my children from her childless/no-experience-with-children viewpoint, sometimes I'm too clouded with mommy eyes to see what's in front of me! :)

I agree that personal experience isn't the only basis for forming meaningful opinions and giving useful advice. People who aren't parents generally have many friends and relatives with children -- enough to gather a body of data and formulate opinions accordingly. My non-parent friends have given me lots of excellent advice, including some things that weren't easy to hear, and I saw no reason to dismiss their opinions out of hand.

Freelance

sacha
05-27-2013, 02:46 PM
What's your secret? I'm less interested in what naturally skinny people do because I will never be like that. I'm more interested in people who have lost and kept off weight, it's my hope to be like that someday. What's the secret to changing your life, how to keep it off and do you ever worry about gaining it all back as so many do?

I learned, over time (and believe me there have been so many setbacks and "off" days, including two pregnancies where I ballooned back to old habits), that being at a healthy weight was just more enjoyable than being overweight. I was sooo out of shape at my highest weight (moreso than people who wieghed much more than me) and I learned to find a form of exercise that I loved (weightlifting) and then eventually thrived on it (now into competitive powerlifting).

I love powerlifting because it is not an aesthetic-based sport but the eating and training required produces a fit looking physique as a byproduct.

Most of all, my 3 year old will eat nothing but sugar all day if that's what I have, so for his sake, I just can't do it anymore. It's okay to poison my body but not his, iykwim?

SwallowedintheSea
05-27-2013, 02:51 PM
I do also think (and as hard as this is for me to admit), in regards to weight loss (and parenting advice) that people without personal experience can sometimes offer practical and non-emotional advice. My sister has given me wonderful advice on my children from her childless/no-experience-with-children viewpoint, sometimes I'm too clouded with mommy eyes to see what's in front of me! :)

Interesting viewpoint! I think so too. In the end, your friends and family care about you, and you can usually tell when someone is being nice versus being condescending and plain rude.

rachieready
05-27-2013, 03:16 PM
I also don't believe it's wise to cast off opinions based on lack of experience either... but I'm old enough now to have seen strong opinions change drastically when a person finds themselves on the path they were were previously viewing from afar. Experiencing and imagining are just not the same, no matter how empathic you are.

That being said, none of our experiences are exactly the same. All we can do is find ways to relate to one another. To find value in our perceived shared experiences. To know that just because someone else's path looks smooth and easy doesn't mean that it is or always has been. And that most likely, people generally want to offer to us the advice and tips that have worked for THEM. It's up to us to figure out how that weaves into our stories.