100 lb. Club - I've gotten really fat since the last time he saw me...




ghost
05-23-2013, 05:50 PM
This is going to be long...pull up a chair, grab a cup of tea or wine and plan to be here for a while.

So, 5 years ago I was happily engaged to the most wonderful human being on the face of this earth. Not even exaggerating there. At the time I weighed about 170. He is in the military and was re-stationed many many thousands of miles away from me and our relationship didn't make it. We broke up. I still loved him though and over the course of the next two years I visited him twice when I was traveling in his area, both times I visited him I was about 155-170.

Recently he contacted me after not being in contact for almost three years. He had been in a relationship with a very insecure woman who demanded that he not stay in touch with me. She did have a reason to be insecure, we have never fallen out of love with each other. Anyways, they broke up a year ago and he just found the gumption to get in touch with me again. He has been re-stationed again, even further away from where I am. But, his words "I want us to be together. If you still want me I'm yours." OF COURSE I STILL WANT HIM.

Big ol' fat problem though. I'm 220+ lbs now (this am's weigh in). I've been honest with him that I've gained a lot of weight and I'm really insecure about it. He keeps asking for pics of me and I only send him face shots (with a million filters applied, lol). He sends me pics all the time, and he's dreamy. And thinner then when we were together. I just can't bring myself to send him a body pic. He says he doesn't care if I'm "big" that I'm beautiful no matter what but...at the same time I know how he harps on the bigger sister of his.

I've been struggling to shift weight. I've been low carbing for 10 months and I've lost 38 lbs but its slow going. And now he wants me to fly down and see him in August. I think I can only manage to lose maybe 10 lbs by then if I'm lucky. I'm just a slow loser, I accept that and I'm not going to hurt myself trying. And I so desperately want to see him, and be together finally. He has one more year of service and then he's retiring and wants to plan a life together.

I feel so insecure and lost. Like, if I go see him and I'm physically unattractive to him will he rethink a forever with me? Part of the reason why I've gained so much is because I've been so unhappy the last three years, like, miserably unhappy with my life. I feel better now but that's not a miracle weight loss drug in itself. I feel bad. I have been honest with him about being fat, but I haven't told him exactly how much I gained, or sent him a full body shot so he can put it into perspective so I feel like I'm deceiving him in some way. But he knows how insecure I am about my weight, I always have been. He probably thinks I'm exaggerating how fat I am...but, we've been talking since early April and the quote I cited earlier, that was April 25th. I've only managed to lose 2 lbs since then.

Now on to the big huuuuuuuge elephant in the room today. He wants to video chat tonight. I just...I...don't even know...omg just typing that out made the knots in my stomach return, heart palpitation...when he first texted me the request to do so this morning I literally cried with shame.

I don't know what I need from this post. Advice? yes. First hand accounts of similar situations? Yes. reality check? ya, that too. I live in my head and this is literally the first time I've put this out there for anyone to know about. I've only told one friend that we are back together because it just won't feel real to me until I go and visit him...so...catch 22 there for sure.


lunarsongbird
05-23-2013, 05:56 PM
Shouldn't be a problem. (I'm not saying it won't be a problem...just saying that it shouldn't be.)
My husband married me at my heaviest weight ever. (And my husband weighs 135 pounds. I weighed about 250 pounds.)
http://i1296.photobucket.com/albums/ag6/lunarsongbird/phpFu8NxQPM_zps1ee9a722.jpg

If you were engaged at one point- you probably feel pretty comfortable telling him anything- tell him what you told us.

If he really loves you- he would would want you to be healthy, but not love you less because of your size. My mom always posed the question, "What if you got a medical condition that forced you to gain weight? Would he be supportive of you? Would he still love you?"

True love doesn't see size.
(Look, I even found a picture:
http://media-cache-ec3.pinimg.com/192x/11/80/b6/1180b6622ee71f7b14ccbd21e209619c.jpg)

PreciousMissy
05-23-2013, 05:58 PM
I feel for you, for what's going on inside your head. I wish I had the perfect solution to make you feel better about this, but I don't.

The only things I can offer are moral support, a hug, and this possible suggestion: send him a full body pic before the chat. If it were me, and the chat was the first time he saw me with the weight I would be completely focused on what he thinks and trying to read him. If you're worried about how he's going process it give him time to process it.

It sounds like he loves you, no matter what. Don't doubt him.


Silverfire
05-23-2013, 06:00 PM
Shouldn't be a problem. (I'm not saying it won't be a problem...just saying that it shouldn't be.)
My husband married me at my heaviest weight ever. (And my husband weighs 135 pounds. I weighed about 250 pounds.)

If you were engaged at one point- you probably feel pretty comfortable telling him anything- tell him what you told us.

If he really loves you- he would would want you to be healthy, but not love you less because of your size. My mom always posed the question, "What if you got a medical condition that forced you to gain weight? Would he be supportive of you? Would he still love you?"

True love doesn't see size.
Yup, This. I don't even have anything to add!

Remington90
05-23-2013, 06:00 PM
Well, the man says he's going to feel this way either way. And really, if he didn't, I don't know if he'd be as great of a guy as he seems. Now, obviously people need to have an emotional, mental AND physical attraction to a person in order for anything to work. But at the same time, if he were to "put his feelings aside" because you've gained some weight.. I don't know, thats a bit of a deal breaker for me.

My advice? Do a video chat with him. Wear something flattering, but not deceiving. By that I mean don't wear 4 things of shape wear to appear to have lost 10 more pounds then you're at now. Be honest, as you want honesty with him as well. You had a long, lasting relationship with him before. He obviously know you as a person, inside and out. Therefore you should be able to trust him with feelings. Tell him you're on a lifestyle change. Be honest about everything. Be comfortable and self confident about the weight you HAVE lost. In my experience, men are attracted to self confidence. You CAN do this. If you have to get emotional, then so be it. But being so open, vulnerable and raw to someone who you've had a past with (in a positive way), shows your inner strength. And to me, that's sexy. Of course I'm not a man, but my boyfriend of 6 years has told me the same.

You might not be where you want to be right now, but one day you will get there. And your progress so far is proof of that. The rest will fall in to place.

Candeka
05-23-2013, 06:00 PM
We honestly make it worse in our head then it is. I say just show him, get it over with and you can move forward and stop dreading the "what if". It's something you can't change (unless you wait 10 months before seeing him/video chatting). So since you can't change it, just accept it, take a deep breath and be proud of who you are and what you have lost so far (40 pounds!!!).

I'll also add the "fake it till you make it!" quote. Confidence outshines our insecurities on certain things. Since you are nervous to show him, act like your confident with your body and he will only notice your confidence. Make jokes about it, tell him the amazing progress you've made. If you act like your okay with it (but still wanting to change it), it will make you seem 1000x sexier.

Underwater
05-23-2013, 06:32 PM
If he's going to reject you based on your weight, he's not worth it anyway. Go see him! If it turns into something serious, well then great! If not, all you've lost is a plane ticket.

Elladorine
05-23-2013, 06:39 PM
First of all, read your avatar. ;)

And secondly, I can sort of relate. Well, at least the part about the whole long-distance thing and being self conscious about weight.

I hooked up with an online friend when I was a size 24 at 285 pounds. I was scared to death of how he'd view my body, was nervous about video chats, and especially frightened about meeting him in person.

Now granted, we didn't have any sort of relationship when I was thinner so he had no former ideal vision of me. Um, unless you want to count my cute/hot avatar! :lol: But I found out my weight never mattered to him, we were in love long before our outward appearances even became part of the picture. We're now married and are expecting our first baby. :)

If he really loves you, your weight isn't going to matter. So you have to ask yourself, are you more embarrassed about your weight or are you more worried about whether or not he really loves you? If it's about the weight, be kind to yourself and remember that it's something you're working on. If it's about whether or not he really loves you, he's not worth it if it all it takes to chase him away is a few extra pounds.

Quirky Chick
05-23-2013, 06:56 PM
I feel for you. I can totally identify. I've been in the same place, and definitely had the same thoughts. The thing is, if he really means that, and really loves you .... he won't change his mind about wanting you. If he did - not saying that will happen, at all - that would tell you how much he actually cares or if he does. And were he like that, who'd want to be with a shallow person? But from what you'd said about him being a really nice guy, I'm sure your fears and dreads will not be validated. Go for the video chat. Don't bash yourself about your body. You are no better or worse than anyone, and you are not less worthy of love, care, or respect. Remind yourself of that when you are feeling that way. So go for the video call. There is no way to see what would happen, if you don't. If you avoid it, or push him away because of the insecurities - not just the video chat but in whatever way - you'll never have the chance to know. Hold your head high, hun. :smug: :hug:

Thedollylala
05-23-2013, 07:17 PM
If he loves you then let himself you and try your best to be secure, make sure you smile and laugh, don't cross your arms over yourself. Just be YOU! Good luck! And you're worth it, just have to make sure he knows that!

Mozzy
05-23-2013, 07:50 PM
Hugs

If he loves you, he will accept you.

lunarsongbird
05-23-2013, 09:32 PM
Give him the chance to show you what a wonderful man he is. He will be your biggest supporter in weight loss.

My husband actually texted "wooo hooo" yesterday to me when I told him what the official WI said. So cute. He's my biggest fan.

AwShucks
05-23-2013, 10:18 PM
This is someone you know well. It's not like he's a new acquaintance. He loves YOU -- not the idea of what you looked like several years ago. And, you say it may be a year before you can be together again, so... what a lot you can accomplish in that year! And, weight loss is much easier when you're HAPPY!

I'm wondering if there's something in the reason that you broke up that makes you think he'll reject you now? It must've been something significant, since you loved him so. Don't overlook the past just to be with someone. If you can move forward confidently, do. Just don't set yourself up for another heartbreak. Be realistic. Write things out. That always helps me process things that I'm over thinking.

Hope it all works out. I believe in TRUE LOVE!

punkrocksong
05-24-2013, 08:07 AM
If he loves you he honestly won't care if you're 120 lbs or 500 lbs.

I gained over a hundred pounds throughout my relationship with my husband and he never for a moment stopped loving me. I was harder on myself than anything. And even now that I've lost, my husband tells me at least once a week that he hopes I'm doing this for myself and to be healthy and not for him.

Just be honest and focus on the positive - you've lost almost 40 lbs!

zoesmom
05-24-2013, 08:36 AM
I guess I am going to give some unsolisitated advice, and apologize in advance if I upset anyone. I just want to give a perspective from another angle....

I had boyfriend for several years that was my first love. He was quite a bit older than me, not substationally, but old enough my parents loudly objected to me dating him to the point that he finally broke up with me. I was devestated. I mean, I was 18, he was 21 when he dumped me...not like we were breaking any taboos really. Over the next several years, we stayed in touch via emal and phone. And I steadily gained weight. When he and I had first got together, I was roughly 160 pounds. When he dumped me, I was ranging 220.

Anyways, he moved out of state, I moved on pathetically and gained even more weight, topping out at 271 the next time I saw him (by this point, I was seeing a man casually, who would later become my husband.) Anyways, when my ex saw me, it was by pure chance, but he proceeded to fawn over me, tell me I was beautiful, tell me I was amazing, tell me the worst thing he ever did was listen to my parents, and he didn't care about my weight, and on and on and on. It was amazing. It was heaven. It was like the past was coming back and would be perfect...but...

Thing is, he was being honest about it. And up until that point, I had honestly believed I had never stopped being in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I do still love him, even today...but it was spending that time with him after several years that I realized that I wasn't IN love with him anymore. By this point and time, too much had changed between us, hobbies had changed, interests had changed, friends had changed. The only thing that didn't was we both still had a strong attraction to one another and a deep emotional conncetion. But...that was the day I realized I was in love with the man who would later become my husband, not with the ex.

I guess what I am getting at is, he probably really doesn't care about the weight. Send him a picture. I know mine didn't care, not in the slightest, and he used to have a tendency to rag on heafy people. It's different when you carry someone on that pedistool. But, don't go getting your hopes up to relive what once was. It may be there....or it may not. Time has a way of changing people in more ways than just physically. Sometimes for the worse, and many times for the better. I really do hope you find what you are looking for with him, and vice versa, afterall, who doesn't love a good fairy tale, a happpily ever after, and a TRUE love such as that, I know I do!!!

...but please, pretty please, don't put any expectations on the future until you guys know for sure. I guess I am saying, go in with guarded hope. I don't mean to be a downer, and apologize if I come off sounding as such. I know in my case it was a bittersweet discovery....I hated the thought of never reliving that past romance again...but I loved the thought of living the future with the man who is my all, my everything.

:hug:

ChickieBoom
05-24-2013, 09:18 AM
I got back in touch with my ex (love of my life) after years of not speaking and he really wanted to see me. He offered to fly me to California and then ended up coming to DC to see me. I refused to see him because of my weight and now he's engaged to someone else. Living with the regret of "what if" sucks.

elvislover324
05-24-2013, 09:24 AM
I hope you come back to let us know if you video chatted with him last night!

My husband loved me both heavy and thin, he has showered me with compliments from the day I met him almost 20 years ago. During this time his weight has gone up and down 30lbs and I never loved him any differently, I doubled my weight plus a few pounds in this time. For some reason we women are so much harder on ourselves than we should be. I would look in the mirror with a new 3x dress on and want to cry, he'd come in the room and say "You look pretty in that, where are we going all fancy?" I wanted to scream to him that this dress took yards and yards of fabric, how could I be pretty? But I didn't, I would thank my lucky stars for a beautiful husband who supported and loved me with all he had. And he still does (the dresses are just getting smaller now!).

I think your man will still love you too. If you want to make healthy changes to your life, do them for you. I couldn't lose weight for anyone but myself. He's just reaping the benefits now (a healthier, more confident wife).

I hope it all works out for you. And I hope you have butterflies in your tummy soon, the good ones that only the love of your life can give you every single time you see them (even 20 years later!). :hug:

ghost
05-24-2013, 03:16 PM
First of all, Thank you all for the insightful comments and for the personal experiences shared. They brought tears to my eyes. I must be PMSing I'm so emotional with all the stuff in life lately.

I did the video chat last night, after I told him how very uncomfortable I was about it, and him seeing how fat I've become. When we logged on he stared at me for about 30 aggravating seconds without saying anything and then he said "You look fine. I thought you were going to be, like, 500 lbs by the way you talk about yourself, but even if you were 500 lbs I'd still want to video chat with you." I didn't feel fine, I felt like if I didn't hold still or if I made the wrong facial expression he'd flinch. I of course angled the webcam the best I could to hide all my chins. We chatted for FOUR HOURS. He's on the east coast and I'm almost as far west as one can get without being Russian so a four hour web chat took him into 2am. Towards the end of the conversation he said if I'm fat he doesn't care, but he knows how much being fat bothers me and that I should just find a weight that makes me happy and leave it at that. He reminded me that the night he met me I was in a gorilla costume and pouring sweat under hot set lights...and he still fell for me.

I guess the video chat was cathartic, to have at least a bit of peace and reassurance about getting fat and that its not bothering him and his feelings are not changed. We talked about my trip down to see him, setting dates so he can buy the tickets. He could see that that conversation was causing me anxiety, so he said, if I was worried about the way I look to just wear the gorilla costume the whole time I'm there and problem solved.

All my worry is not absolved, but I feel better and I feel very gracious for all the advice you all gave me. I'm glad there really are guys out there that love us no matter our size. Don't get me wrong, I'm still insecure as hades, but I was insecure at my lowest weight so no amount of reassurance from him is going to change that. Its just something I need to work on, like my weight issues.

elvislover324
05-24-2013, 03:22 PM
He's buying tickets---that's a good sign. :) Try to relax and enjoy the excitement of reuniting!! I'm even excited for you both!! And no gorilla costume! Just a pretty outfit!!

punkrocksong
05-24-2013, 11:00 PM
That's amazing...I'm so happy for you! I really do hope everything works out for you.

alaskanlaughter
05-25-2013, 12:56 AM
awww glad to hear that it turned out well :)

thinkfit
05-25-2013, 01:59 AM
I'm so happy it turned out well! this thread made me teary eyed.

DreamAngelsHeavenly
05-25-2013, 01:29 PM
I believe what I will say to you may be able to help... :)

I met this guy online who was perfect. He also happens to be quite a bit younger than me. ;) We talked for three years before we met (this was my doing because I refused to let him come out- why? because my weight). We fell in love instantly and were inseparable from day one. He lived in England, I lived in Arizona... I figured I would be safe in hiding. LOL. But he asked for pics and I would do the same kind you would do (well I didn't filter them tho... haha). And he would say I want to see "all of you" and I was like, umm... NO.

He knew prior I had been in very bad relationship which spiraled into severe depression and just as severe weight gain... So I was able to keep this somewhat "charade" up for awhile and would crash diet and gain back... We also did web cam but I would definitely wear long sleeves and be lying down... I tried very hard to find my angles on that damn thing and not move around too too much! :P

Anyways, he finally wouldn't let me keep him away any longer and decided to come see me for Christmas 2011 (to prove he loves me for me and to stop me from being negative on myself- and of course because we are madly in love!) and I was freaking! I did do the HCG diet and lost 80 lbs. but was still 218 where my goal is like 125 (and he is skinny he weighs like 135). I was killing my stomach with all the stress... I was terrified. I would fight with him everyday and tell him not to come out!

Anyways... He did come out to Arizona that December... Everything was perfect. He loved me for everything I was- as he had the whole time before we had even physically met. Then he had to go back (school) and I got really depressed... We sent through my student visa which could not come quick enough... I ended up having to take some serious medications for my depression (Seroquel, Lamictal) and I gained back like almost all of the weight! And when I had to go out to England in September I was freaking out!! Again!! I did not want to go! I was so afraid he wouldn't want me now that I was like 276 now (only 9 months later)...

But you know what? Everything was once again perfect. It took me awhile to get comfortable with myself around him without criticizing myself but I trust him and he loves me for who I am, everything about me- he thinks I am beautiful and sexy and perfect... We got married on our four year anniversary which was this past February 1st.

If you already have the type of relationship you say- I can tell you have a strong, unique type bond. One to cross oceans for even. :) I say, get a cute outfit and stuff (not if you don't want but it always makes me feel better to have a nice new dress, hair done, nails, make up-- my husband doesn't think I need any of it :P) and take some photos or have someone take them for you (if you want) and go on webcam. I know nothing I can say will really make you freak out less, I know, I have been there! And as others have said, if he doesn't want you for that reason (even if he already knows you have gained weight) than he isn't the one for you. Good luck and let us know what happens. :hug:

elvislover324
05-25-2013, 01:35 PM
Love your story, dreamangelsheavenly. I wish you and your husband many years of happiness!!

DreamAngelsHeavenly
05-25-2013, 01:42 PM
Oops! I am a little late on this I see! Haha. Well, hopefully my story will help ease your mind also about the in-person meeting and make you feel slightly more comfortable. I am so happy it all went so well! I hope you have an amazing time when you get to see him again. I would love to know how it continues to go and would be happy to provide further "experience" on the matter. :D Thank you also for the well wishes elvislover324, it means a lot. :) And I did love reading everyone else's thoughts, advice, stories, and comments on this issue. This is an incredible community we have here on 3FC.

grannyof4
05-25-2013, 02:18 PM
I married my wonderful husband at 190 and then several years later I lost my mom to cancer. Needless to say, I tried to eat the pain away and ballooned up to 404 pounds! My husband never quit loving me and has supported me through a gastric bypass surgery, and now with Ideal Protein. I am still heavy, but losing and feeling better each day. If this guy really loves you, your weight won't matter! Good luck, put yourself out there and see what happens, if its meant to be it will be!