Chicks in Control - I Am Accountable To Only Me....




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zoesmom
05-22-2013, 09:17 AM
I've come a long way from when my journey first started 10 months ago. Granted, many of those months where miserable, not so much on a dieting stand point, but because I wasn't able to diet for so many of them due to a serious health issue that nearly took my life (I won't rehash the story again, lord knows you can probably find it a million times over somewhere on this forum.) During that time, I did a mental check up and had no choice but to own up to my failures and acknowledge that the way I was living wasn't truly living. It wasn't until January this year that I could actually physically invest in my health. Today, I finally hit my 50 pounds lost mark. And my journey has still just begun.

I had to realize, in the start especailly, that I had a food addiction. The mental blow that was to me was devistating. Here I am, very OCD and in control over everything...and food was controlling me. I found that I would watch the clock for when I could eat again, even though I wasn't hungry. I would eat junk, not because it tasted good, but because I felt I had to eat it, eat it or die. I felt that if the food was served, out in front of me, I couldn't save it or I would just be putting it in the trash later. I had to learn that it was quite the opposite. Whereas there in the begining, when I went out to eat, I would push myself to eat every bite. Now, I alwasy take half home, and I rarely finish what is on my plate. I had to teach myself that. I had to teach myself to have control over food, instead of allowing food to control me. I no longer eat just because there is food around me. I eat because I am hungry.

And my journey has still jsut begun.

Just this morning I was thinking on my way into work, how I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Thinking that my numbers should show significant improvement. How my doctor is going to make mention that she is proud of me. How I am going to get a deep sense of satisfaction from this appointment, more so than I do when I see my other doctor (which is twice a month.) On how, I was looking forward to the visit, something I used to dread. And then it hit me...I am not accountable to those doctors. Sure, I like hearing their praise. I love it in fact. But, I am not accountable to them.

Then, my thoughts progressed...I keep saying that I am losing weight for my daughter's sake, so she won't find me nearly dead again. And I am. But she isn't the primary reason, like I thought she was. She doesn't hold me accountable for my weight loss. She doesn't push the food in my mouth, nor does she push the plate away from me. For that matter, no one does. I do. Everyone gives me praise, everyone supports me, everyone cheers me on, but no one can make me accountable. No one but me. I am accountable to me, no one else.

Wow. I just had a major break through. I realized, I am in control. Of food. Of me. Of my weight loss journey. I have no one to blame, I have no one to thank, I have no one I have to be honest with, except for me. Today, I realized that I may still have 100+ pounds to go to be healthy physically, but I am ready mentally. I am there. I used to dread the thought of lose skin. Now, I want it. I don't care about it anymore. I am in control. Skin be damned. My health matters so much more than a little bit of floppy skin.

Today, I became empowered. Today, I became free. Today, I became accountable to only me. And that is an absolutely amazing feeling.

Thanks for letting me share. Have an amazing day!


bethFromDayton
05-22-2013, 09:25 AM
That is so awesome--you deserve the credit you're taking--thank you for sharing that.

elvislover324
05-22-2013, 09:41 AM
Zoesmom, you have such a way with words. I'm so happy to read this post, you have come so far in your weightloss mission and this post is proof of that. I'd bookmark this page for you to reflect on in the coming weeks and months. You are doing awesome. :hug:

And congrats again on the 50lb mark today, you inspire so many people and I'm happy to be in that group! Keep up the good work, girlfriend!!
:dancer::dancer::dancer::dancer::dancer:


zoesmom
05-22-2013, 07:14 PM
Thanks for reading it beth :)

Aw shucks elvis. :thanks: I find that a lot of times, the people who say I inspire them tend to be my inspiration. This would be one of those times...and you'd be one of those people :)

seabiscuit
05-22-2013, 10:21 PM
Thanks for writing this, Zoesmom. I applaud you on your weight loss and your journey!!! :carrot:

A lot of it what you said rings true for me, I used to try to lose weight for others and think that someone else was holding me accountable. What a relief for me now, to be knowing that I am the only one who I am accountable to.

I look forward to the days again where I want to see the numbers on the scale, not dread them and I have a lot of reasons to get there!

Thank you so much for your writing and you are an inspiration!! :carrot: ;):cool:

baltimora
05-26-2013, 10:00 PM
I guess they aren't words of wisdom but I have learned we need to excise the word failure from our vocabulary. I didn't gain all the weight back after one bad day and neither did anyone on this forum. We should not consider one day of overeating as a failure. We eat. Sometimes good. Sometimes bad. It doesn't make us a bad person. That bad choice is temporary. Just start again. I struggle more with binging now that I have lost most of the weight I need to. I just have learned when I overeat that I don't need to make it a permanent condition. I will go to sleep and wake up and start again tomorrow.

zoesmom
05-27-2013, 06:42 AM
baltimora - in many ways you are correct. And that is currently how I view my weight loss. What I am referring to as a "failure" was the decade I spent starting my diet "tomorrow". If I kept putting it off till tomorrow, tomorrow would never come. I think many people find themselves in that rut, the "I want to change but how" rut. It took my 3 year old daughter finding me nearly dead that something in my head snapped and made me realize how toxic that mindset was. To me, personally, having that mindset and continuing to have it, would constitute as a failure. So, I changed. I am a happier, healthier person today for it. I don't see food as the enemy, but as a necessity. I don't fear the pain of exercise and find that it gives me a natural high, almost like an addiction. I overcame my past failure, my past mindset so that I could live now. To me, failure isn't a bad thing, per say. Afterall, it is the failures in our lives that show us just what does not work. If I knew everything, that would make for a boring life. :lol:

But yeah, you are right on the mark when you say there is always tomorrow...just as long as you really mean, tomorrow. :)

and seabiscuit - some how I missed your post earlier...but thanks :) I simply love this forum. I think everyone is everyone's inspiration! It amazes me, it really does, on the obstacles everyone either is overcoming or has overcome. Such a wonderful place full of such wonderful people :)