PCOS/Insulin Resistance Support - Shes pregnant....AGAIN?!!?




View Full Version : Shes pregnant....AGAIN?!!?


alyssarinker
05-08-2013, 10:04 AM
So one of my closests friends just told me this morning that she was expecting... again! She had her first baby last year & now she's having another one. How can I be excited for her?? Having PCOS, i'm not fertile, nor do I know if i will ever have kids & shes on number 2.

I don't know what makes me angrier, the insensitivity to my condition - or the fact that she is so young and just keeps getting pregnant. I mean i understand, its not her fault that I have PCOS, but the way she goes about it just irks me..

Does anyone else ever feel like this??:mad:


elvislover324
05-08-2013, 10:17 AM
:hug: :hug: :hug: There aren't enough hugs in my computer for you.

I don't have PCOS but I have endometrial cancer and am trying so hard to get pregnant before September (I have to have a hysterectomy at that time). I'm on a strict time line to try and conceive on my own plus going through fertility treatments (having issues with eggs and hormones now) and only have 4 months left to go. I got my TOM on Monday (a week early) thinking this could be my lucky month and now going to the fertility doctor tomorrow for more tests.

The anger and jealousy I get inside when I hear of pregnancy is awful. I mean, I'm happy for the family and of course for a new baby to be expected but I really do think "When is it my turn to do that??". And I cry. And I cry. And I cry.

When I was first diagnosed with my cancer and told I'd probably never have a baby or be pregnant, I had to go back to my OB/GYN for a blood test for something else. I swear up and down to you, there had to be 9 newborn babies in the lobby waiting with their new mothers for their wellness check. I cried and cried then too. So when I asked the tech if it was bring your new baby to the lobby day, she offered for me to sit on the bench down the hall and I could wait there if I wanted to. UM WHAT? Sit in a lonely hallway all by myself to cry? I guess there was really no other option (either sit with the babies or don't and I'm not sure there was even an answer I would have been happy with) but I was just so so so sad.

I'm so hopeful that I might have a miracle on the way in the next 4 months, my doctors are amazing and if anyone can do it, it's going to be them. But if not, I will have some really hard years ahead of me with all the babies that cross my path.

:hug: More hugs just because I love hugs. I'm sorry you are going through this. I know that feeling in my stomach I get when I get the news of a new baby. You are so not alone. :hug:

alyssarinker
05-08-2013, 10:46 AM
Thank you elvis, thank you very much ;)

I'm so sorry to hear the pain you are going through! I believe that anything is possible!! And your hope is inspiring. I wish you all the best!!

And it really is the worst feeling in the world, because no one around us understands - I mean i'm sure they really don't know what to say, but saying nothing is better than saying, I'm just so fertile! I watch tv shows with babies and tear up, i read infertility stories and bawl my eyes out. And the feeling in your stomach, the knot, the nausea is just horrible. And the amount of times i've rolled my eyes, i'm suprised they haven't fell out!!

Thanks for the hugs and such kind words!!


NemesisClaws
05-08-2013, 05:02 PM
Try not to think of it as a competition. Sure, she's on baby #2, and heck, at the rate she's going, she might be the one to pop out 19 kids and counting. Would you want to take care of all those kids?

In time, that same friend will be jealous of YOU not having children and having the freedom to do what you want.

I know, not exactly the situation you want to find yourself in, but until that blessed event arrives, you gotta think more positively about things.

I don't have children, but I'm hoping to lose weight this year and then try to get pregnant next year by using a sperm bank. I'm 34 so there's not a lot of time for me to be chasing down Mr. Slowwwww....:)

I've also told myself this...if I don't have children, I can adopt. I'm fine either way so it's a conversation and a peace of mind that you need to have within you as to what you can settle for if things don't happen the way you want it to.

Remington90
05-08-2013, 05:33 PM
I'm very sorry to hear this. I couldn't image what you (or elvislover) would be going through. I'm young, 23, and I'd love to have kids one day. The thought of having that taken away is earth shattering and I'm so very sorry to hear that. My heart goes out to you and God will bless you in ways unimaginable.

About your furstrations, as much as its' hard.. you're going to need to find a way to deal with your anger or feelings of upset. Because unfortunately, seeing babies or new mothers won't ever stop. And for YOUR OWN health, it'd be best to find a stress management plan so you don't either derail your journey, have built up anger or anything else. Finding a good way to deal with things like this are difficult, but it's so worth it.

I was a miracle baby. There was such a slim chance that I would be conceived, let alone healthy and functional. But here I am.

My mom went on to have another child, and he was stillborn at 8 months. The first appointment they found out, the doctors automatically scheduled her for an abortion-- to which she went POSTAL. She continued to carry him full term praying for him to be a miracle baby too. And unfortunately he wasn't in the sense that he's not here. But she was still blessed with that miracle.

Will pray for you in getting through hurdles like this, and for the chance to have your own. :hug:

seize the day
05-14-2013, 12:30 PM
I'm in a weird phase right now with the whole fertility thing.

When I was 15, I was told I probably couldn't/shouldn't have kids because I am epileptic, and the medications that I was one would result in birth defects, still births, etc. Not to mention that having seizures while pregnant can cause miscarriage etc. (though they've now found that miscarriage due to seizure is not as common as most people thing).

When I was 23, after an array of different medications and treatments, I was told that the medications I am on are safe for fetuses (slightly higher chance of birth defects etc. but very slight, like 3%) and that if I wanted to get pregnant, it was safe for me to, as long as I was being monitored by an OBGYN and my neurologist.

Now, at 24, I find out I am once again not able to get pregnant, because I am infertile due to PCOS (Which is a combo of genetics, and some of the medications I was on while I was a teenager). It's all really confusing because I felt like I had come to terms with the fact that I would have to adopt if I ever wanted children, and then it all changed and I thought that I could get pregnant, and I started to adjust to that idea, and feeling normal, and sort of excited that I have the option.

And of course, then I found this out. It's almost worse because they made me think I could. Now I'm trying to deal with PCOS, and I know there is still a chance that someday I can get pregnant, but it's much slimmer than most women.

I'm lucky to be with someone who can accept that I likely won't have children (even though he has always wanted to have kids), and that he is open to adoption and other methods.

But yes, it is hard.

Radiojane
05-14-2013, 12:42 PM
The sad truth of struggling with your fertility is that you're going to hurt a little when your friends get pregnant. And your friends will get pregnant. You said you were angry about her insensitivity to your condition. Did you mean that you didn't want her to tell you? Because I think tiptoeing around you will eventually make you angrier in the end. If she wants children and wants them close together, she can't put her life on hold to protect your feeling.

I spent a lot of time being very angry that being a mother was probably not an option for me. The anger did more damage to my health and well being than anything else. It takes time, but eventually, you have to let it go.

joefla70
05-14-2013, 01:28 PM
What does she say and/or do that is insensitive? Is it that she makes a big deal about how she is so happy? Do you you feel like she is kinda rubbing your nose in the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet?

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 02:18 PM
What does she say and/or do that is insensitive? Is it that she makes a big deal about how she is so happy? Do you you feel like she is kinda rubbing your nose in the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet?

I think it might just be the fact that she's pregnant and people like the OP (and me) are just highly emotional about our current status and fears. Some people don't know what to say in front of us (and I totally get it) so they act like our "problem" doesn't exist.

For example, my mom was showing me pictures of my recently married cousin who had a baby just after her first wedding anniversary. I burst into tears. I can tell you that my mom is FULLY aware of my cancer and my fertility issues and wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose for anything in the world. I don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong (and she wasn't!). Was she supposed to hide the picture of the new baby? Of course not! And a year ago, I would have been begging to see the pictures and oohing and aahing over them. This past year, it brings out all of my regrets, the fact that my mom may not ever have my baby's pictures to share with anyone, the fact that I'll be in menopause the same time my mom is going through it, all kinds of weird reactions and emotions.

I don't think this really has anything to do with the OP's friend per se. (I'm not speaking for the OP of course!)

bethFromDayton
05-14-2013, 02:35 PM
It is hard to know what to do or say when you're the pregnant one and you know your friends are going through primary or secondary infertility.

I had two close friends whose child was older than my first and they were both trying to get pregnant again. I got pregnant with my second--and neither of them was ever able to have a second child.

I didn't want to rub their noses in anything or hurt them for the world, but I also didn't want to withdraw from them completely and hurt our relationship by not communicating.

There isn't a single easy answer--and the OP's friend may not know the right thing to do to handle the juxtaposition of her joy and her friend's sense of loss and understandable envy. I find it useful in those kind of situations to address the situation head-on "I'm happy you're pregnant again, but it's also hard for me, because I'd like to be, and I won't ever be able to be. I need <time, space, not to talk about it for a while> to help me process this."

Good luck.

IanG
05-14-2013, 02:41 PM
Infertility is super tough. It makes weight loss look like a walk in the park. I'd lose 100 pounds three times over rather than go through that.

But (for those of us that live in the US, at least), there are always options. Some are not cheap (you can spot an infertile couple by the car they drive) and for some couples there will not be an outcome they would have originally hoped for, but ten years on you won't notice the difference (although the scar will always stay with you).

Your kids will be your kids whether conceived naturally, via IVF, via donor sperm, via donor eggs, via donor sperm and eggs, via surrogate or via adoption.

It's tough, but they will be your kids. GOAL.

Like with weightloss you just need to screw what other people think. It really does not matter. And it don't matter what other people are doing either, including those that have kids again and again on your watch.

joefla70
05-14-2013, 03:04 PM
I think it might just be the fact that she's pregnant and people like the OP (and me) are just highly emotional about our current status and fears. Some people don't know what to say in front of us (and I totally get it) so they act like our "problem" doesn't exist.

For example, my mom was showing me pictures of my recently married cousin who had a baby just after her first wedding anniversary. I burst into tears. I can tell you that my mom is FULLY aware of my cancer and my fertility issues and wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose for anything in the world. I don't think she thought she was doing anything wrong (and she wasn't!). Was she supposed to hide the picture of the new baby? Of course not! And a year ago, I would have been begging to see the pictures and oohing and aahing over them. This past year, it brings out all of my regrets, the fact that my mom may not ever have my baby's pictures to share with anyone, the fact that I'll be in menopause the same time my mom is going through it, all kinds of weird reactions and emotions.

I don't think this really has anything to do with the OP's friend per se. (I'm not speaking for the OP of course!)

That is what I am wondering about. The way OP said "I don't know what makes me angrier, the insensitivity to my condition - or the fact that she is so young and just keeps getting pregnant. I mean i understand, its not her fault that I have PCOS, but the way she goes about it just irks me.." makes me think that its both. (i.e., that she not only is bothered by the fact that her friend is able to conceive so easily and often, but that there is something overt that she does that is insensitive.

I'm guessing that, either way, the friend is not doing this on purpose, or else OP would not be friends with her. Who needs friends like that? But, it seems as if the friend is doing something. But I agree with you that it could be something as simple as just acting overly excited about the pregnancy in the presence of OP.

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:07 PM
But people get pregnant. That is the basis of the human condition. Yeah, it hurts if you are infertile. But....?

I spent nights upon nights upon nights sitting with my my wife crying over instances like this and there is jack you can do about it but focus on what you need to do. So put on a brave face. And turn the other cheek.

joefla70
05-14-2013, 03:13 PM
Yeah, it hurts if you are infertile. But.... there is jack you can do about it but focus on what you need to do. So put on a brave face. And turn the other cheek.

I'm pretty sure that's not how its done! ;)

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:16 PM
Let's just say that was how I would have liked it to have been done!

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 03:21 PM
But people get pregnant. That is the basis of the human condition. Yeah, it hurts if you are infertile. But....?

I spent nights upon nights upon nights sitting with my my wife crying over instances like this and there is jack you can do about it but focus on what you need to do. So put on a brave face. And turn the other cheek.

My heart breaks for you and your wife and all you went through before getting your 2 little cuties. But I thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart that you share your story with us, esp. esp. esp. ESP. from the man's side of it. It keeps things in perspective when I think about what my poor husband is going through, it's just not "my" infertility (even though the issue we are having is because of me).

There seems to be so many fertile Myrtles in the world and I never gave it a second thought until I had my issues. And God forgive me for the judging that I have done in the last 9 months in such a selfish way.

And...to think of all the years that I used birth control and took panic pregnancy tests, there probably wasn't a chance of me getting pregnant in the first place. I thought I was just "that good" at being careful!

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:23 PM
We used the morning after pill Elvis! It don't get much worse than that, ten-fifteen years later when you are still trying!

And, you're right, it's not your infertility, it's YOUR infertility - husband included, it's never just you.

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 03:29 PM
We used the morning after pill Elvis! It don't get much worse than that, ten years later when you are still trying!

And it's not your infertility, it's YOUR infertility - husband included, it's never because of you.

The only thing that might save me is I have 4 months left and then this chapter is done one way or another. I couldn't go through this for years, I'd either die from stress or a broken heart.

Well, you are right, it's "ours" as he is involved 1000% in all of this. But I do feel guilty that he could technically go have a child with another woman. And I'd be lying to you if I said we didn't have that conversation in this past year. (I gave him the option, he declined. I'm so happy he did but I had to give him that option.)

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:33 PM
But I do feel guilty that he could technically go have a child with another woman.

He married you Elvis. Children were always an optional extra. In my case, very optional as it turned out!

Good luck in the next four months and keep fighting! Die and break your heart. It'll be worth it! We did both several times over!

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 03:46 PM
He married you Elvis. Children were always an optional extra. In my case, very optional as it turned out!

Good luck in the next four months and keep fighting! Die and break your heart. It'll be worth it! We did both several times over!

Thank you. :) Just keep us in your prayers, it's going to take a miracle!

joefla70
05-14-2013, 03:46 PM
He married you Elvis. Children were always an optional extra. In my case, very optional as it turned out!

Good luck in the next four months and keep fighting!

You make your wife sound like a Toyota! ;)

All kidding aside, a devoted spouse its not something you can take for granted. Elvis and her husband are lucky to have each other being so supportive. Not everyone is like that. There ARE people in this world who would take the opt-out that Elvis mentioned. They're probably the same people who, after a divorce, start up a new family and then proceed to ignore the kids from their prior marriage. I grew up with kids whose dad did EXACTLY that when he divorced their mom. I suppose if the spouse takes the opt-out, you're not losing much. Who would want to be with a person who will abandon you in your greatest times of need?

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:47 PM
Thank you. Just keep us in your prayers, it's going to take a miracle!

I will and let's hope it doesn't!

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:49 PM
I'm sorry Joe but no-one can marry anyone on the expectation of anything beyond the vows they share. Kids were not part of the deal I made at the church. Might be different where you live.

I sure hope not.

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 03:55 PM
You make your wife sound like a Toyota! ;)

All kidding aside, a devoted spouse its not something you can take for granted. Elvis and her husband are lucky to have each other being so supportive. Not everyone is like that. There ARE people in this world who would take the opt-out that Elvis mentioned. They're probably the same people who, after a divorce, start up a new family and then proceed to ignore the kids from their prior marriage. I grew up with kids whose dad did EXACTLY that when he divorced their mom. I suppose if the spouse takes the opt-out, you're not losing much. Who would want to be with a person who will abandon you in your greatest times of need?

Excuse me, but I think you guys know already that I'm more of a Cadillac type of woman, not a Toyota! :D

I'm extremely lucky to have such a wonderful husband. He's an amazing man and I can't believe how great he's been through all of this. I mean, I knew he would be, but to see him in action, it's very humbling.

And I did gulp when I asked him if he wanted out, he had every right to say yes. And I thanked my lucky stars when he said he wasn't going anywhere.

I'm sorry Joe but no-one can marry anyone on the expectation of anything beyond the vows they share. Kids were not part of the bargain.

Technically, kids were a part of the bargain when we planned our hopes and dreams for our future. (If he had said before our marriage that kids weren't in his plans, I would have had to walk away.) I actually used to joke that we were going to have 7 little girls just like me to drive him crazy. I guess the joke was on me as we don't have any yet.

IanG
05-14-2013, 03:59 PM
There will come a point Elvis when you have young children smashing your house to pieces, keeping you awake all hours and worrying you silly. You will be clearing up poo in places you never thought there would be poo. You will have vermin enter your home from the food your babies drop on the floor. They will slowly dismantle everything you once held true. And we will laugh about having this conversation. Trust me on that. And get some sleep in the meantime.

joefla70
05-14-2013, 03:59 PM
I'm sorry Joe but no-one can marry anyone on the expectation of anything beyond the vows they share. Kids were not part of the bargain I made at the church. Might be different where you live.

I sure hope not.

Sorry, I guess my jovial replies went a little too far in such a serious thread. I didn't mean to offend. I didn't mean to question your beliefs. I was observing just that your description of kids as "optional extras" was like an analogy to a car purchase.

Again, on a serious note, my wife and had discussions early on when we were dating about what we wanted in life. Children were something that both of us wanted very much, so that was never an issue. We had problems conceiving at first, and that was hard. And I would have stood by her no matter what. We went to a fertility clinic. Luckily, we were successful in conceiving after a relatively short time after our first visit. So, no IVF was required. But, we would have gone that route if necessary and would have adopted if that did not work.

However, I can definitely say that if one of us has expressed a desire NOT to have kids when we first started dating, that would have been a deal-breaker for both of us. Our dating would never have proceeded beyond that stage because our goals in life would have been too far apart.

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 04:11 PM
There will come a point Elvis when you have young children smashing your house to pieces, keeping you awake all hours and worrying you silly. You will be clearing up poo in places you never thought there would be poo. You will have vermin enter your home from the food your babies drop on the floor. They will slowly dismantle everything you once held true. And we will laugh about having this conversation. Trust me on that. And get some sleep in the meantime.

And I'm going to love every minute of it!! :carrot::carrot::carrot:

(I think my older age will give me patience I wouldn't have had in my younger years and I'm hoping all of my exercise now will keep me in shape to chase the little cuties around!)

And as far as sleep, I lose sleep thinking I'll never be able to lose sleep over babies. How sad is that to say out loud. :(

(Sorry to the OP we went off topic a bit!)

IanG
05-14-2013, 04:19 PM
OK. I'm out now. Too many memories. And way too much baggage.

This is getting too much for me. But good luck to all!

joefla70
05-14-2013, 04:24 PM
G'nite Ian.

(I think my older age will give me patience I wouldn't have had in my younger years and I'm hoping all of my exercise now will keep me in shape to chase the little cuties around!)

(Sorry to the OP we went off topic a bit!)

I don't know about that patience increasing with age! But, being in better shape does help with the chasing.

"went off topic 'a bit'"? We completely hijacked this thread! :devil:

elvislover324
05-14-2013, 04:30 PM
OK. I'm out now. Too many memories. And way too much baggage.

This is getting too much for me. But good luck to all!

Thanks again, Ian.

G'nite Ian.



I don't know about that patience increasing with age! But, being in better shape does help with the chasing.

"went off topic 'a bit'"? We completely hijacked this thread! :devil:

Lol Joe, 10 years ago I'd be freakin' out with babies tearing my house apart. Now all I want is the babies. The house can be cleaned and fixed if need be.

And yes, a bit! That's my story and I'm sticking to it!!

beerab
05-16-2013, 12:02 AM
*BIG HUGS*

I'm sorry for what you went through, but having PCOS doesn't automatically mean you can't get pregnant. I have friends with PCOS who have children, I myself have conceived once (though I miscarried) so am hopeful it can happen again. My doctor, who has PCOS also, has two kids, etc.

I notice you just joined and are 287 pounds, most doctors who are familiar with PCOS really feel that weight loss is the best method to alleviate our infertility issues. In fact, I got pregnant soon after getting down to 191 lbs. Course my miscarriage left me terribly depressed and I jumped back up to 213 lbs, but I'm working hard to lose the weight again and get pregnant again. I understand how upsetting it can be to have your friends and family get pregnant. When my husband's good friend had ANOTHER child (his fourth) and we had to go visit I was terrified I would burst into tears, but I was okay.

You sound like you really want children, and just like I am, use that as your motivation! :) Good luck with the weight loss and CONCEIVING a baby :)

Sorry I hope I'm not sounding harsh :( *hugs*

alyssarinker
05-17-2013, 03:02 PM
What does she say and/or do that is insensitive? Is it that she makes a big deal about how she is so happy? Do you you feel like she is kinda rubbing your nose in the fact that you haven't been able to conceive yet?



Yeah, Joe. She says "There's always adoption, child birth hurts anyways". Things like that, oh a girl I work with had to have invetro, you can do that.

alyssarinker
05-17-2013, 03:09 PM
And Elvis, my heart goes out to you!! I am not trying to have children right now, but I just can't imgane how you feel!! I really truly hope everything works in your favor!!

And thanks everyone, I'm over it now. And one of the main reasons is made me angry, is because she is only 19, on baby #2. I just get so tired of them telling me to adopt when i'm ready. they dont understand that i MAY be able to have kids, so just saying oh, adopt, or oh ivf just bothers me! But I am happy for her and hopefully in 4 years whenever I hope to be ready, I can have children (and hopefully be 100 lbs less!!)

elvislover324
05-17-2013, 03:13 PM
Yeah, Joe. She says "There's always adoption, child birth hurts anyways". Things like that, oh a girl I work with had to have invetro, you can do that.

Every single person that knows of my story talks about adoption. I know it's an option and it is one that we are considering in the far future (whether or not we have biological children). But somehow that's supposed to be a consolation to us. I don't get it and I would never say that to someone (even before my issues).

I wish people would learn to just nod or console with a sad face and keep their mouth shut (about my issues, not their pregnancy of course).

(Sorry Alyssa that this thread got off track the other day.)

elvislover324
05-17-2013, 03:14 PM
And Elvis, my heart goes out to you!! I am not trying to have children right now, but I just can't imgane how you feel!! I really truly hope everything works in your favor!!

And thanks everyone, I'm over it now. And one of the main reasons is made me angry, is because she is only 19, on baby #2. I just get so tired of them telling me to adopt when i'm ready. they dont understand that i MAY be able to have kids, so just saying oh, adopt, or oh ivf just bothers me! But I am happy for her and hopefully in 4 years whenever I hope to be ready, I can have children (and hopefully be 100 lbs less!!)

We were posting at the same time!

Thanks very much, I hope it works out too. :) But if it doesn't, at least I know I tried every possible thing to get my own child.

I wish you lots of luck too when you are ready. :hug:

joefla70
05-17-2013, 04:08 PM
Every single person that knows of my story talks about adoption. I know it's an option and it is one that we are considering in the far future (whether or not we have biological children). But somehow that's supposed to be a consolation to us. I don't get it and I would never say that to someone (even before my issues).

I wish people would learn to just nod or console with a sad face and keep their mouth shut (about my issues, not their pregnancy of course).

(Sorry Alyssa that this thread got off track the other day.)


You make a good point. A lot of times people don't know what to say, but they feel they NEED to say something.... and then they say the wrong thing. It doesn't sound like they are doing it to be deliberately insensitive. They just lack tact!

(Elvis... re the thread-jacking... at least the posts didn't get deleted by the mods! ;)

elvislover324
05-17-2013, 04:17 PM
You make a good point. A lot of times people don't know what to say, but they feel they NEED to say something.... and then they say the wrong thing. It doesn't sound like they are doing it to be deliberately insensitive. They just lack tact!

(Elvis... re the thread-jacking... at least the posts didn't get deleted by the mods! ;)

You are so right, they just want to say something! Then when I end up in tears they sometimes figure out it was the wrong thing to say!

LOL, Joe. It's still a sore spot with me! But I won't get started on that, I might get banned!

joefla70
05-17-2013, 04:26 PM
You are so right, they just want to say something! Then when I end up in tears they sometimes figure out it was the wrong thing to say!

LOL, Joe. It's still a sore spot with me! But I won't get started on that, I might get banned!

Of course you think I'm right! I was agreeing with you! ;)

Lecomtes
05-17-2013, 06:56 PM
Well, I think it's a real jerk move for your friend to tell you to "just adopt", perhaps it that situation arises again, you could ask her, "Oh yeah, why didn't you do that again? It would have spared you so much pain and trouble." ;) Maybe she'll get the picture then?

Kaitie9399
05-17-2013, 09:28 PM
Alyssa: My stupid sister-in-law keeps having kids left and right! Seriously, she has 8 kids. 8. It's enough to make me want to throw something....and that's putting it mildly.

racrane
05-17-2013, 10:48 PM
I always felt guilty for accidentally getting pregnant when I was 21. I don't know what else to say except that, being on the other end,I was aware of infertility issues. And felt terrible for it.

BelDownUnder
05-18-2013, 01:54 AM
Just thought that I would add that I have PCO (not sure about the syndrome part) I know that I went and had my ovaries scanned and there was a chain of cysts, consistent with PCOS. Anyway, it took 6 months, but I eventually fell pregnant. It can happen!

alyssarinker
05-18-2013, 08:51 AM
beldownunder, that gives me hope!! i love hearing success stories

and elvis i agree, adoption ISNT bad.. but its clearly not what we want! she has her own child, and she knows how it feels to have a child to resemble her.. just saying oh you can adopt is frustrating, but i agree. the just feel as if they should say something.. all they have it do is say, it'll be okay, you will have a child of your own one day (whether i do or not)

kaitie - isn't it so frustrating, i mean i understand they are not doing it to be vengeful or anything, but come on now!

lecomtes - I should!!! LOL if she brings it up again i am definitely quoting you!

beerab
05-20-2013, 02:48 PM
It's best to NOT talk about these things to people who hurt you, whether it's intentionally or not.

When I had my miscarriage, people said things like "it wasn't meant to be" or "these things happen for a reason" and I was like THANKS for telling me my child's death just happened for a "reason."

I quickly learned to stop talking to the people who upset me about it, and turn to those who understood my situation. TBH I barely even talk to my hubby about it. He was sad, but I guess it's easier for men to get over it than women :(

I turned to other women in my shoes and it really helped me cope and move forward.

So anyways, definitely stop talking to immature 19 year old about it :p

mrslynah
05-20-2013, 03:11 PM
I'm not trying to pry, but do tests confirm that you are infertile? My best friend has PCOS, and I have Stage IV Endometriosis, so I am somewhat familiar. I was just wondering if you are certain you are infertile, or if the odds just are not in your favor. Either way, I'm so sorry for your pain. :'(

franciejones
05-20-2013, 03:26 PM
So one of my closests friends just told me this morning that she was expecting... again! She had her first baby last year & now she's having another one. How can I be excited for her?? Having PCOS, i'm not fertile, nor do I know if i will ever have kids & shes on number 2.

I don't know what makes me angrier, the insensitivity to my condition - or the fact that she is so young and just keeps getting pregnant. I mean i understand, its not her fault that I have PCOS, but the way she goes about it just irks me..

Does anyone else ever feel like this??:mad:

I am not sure your age...but I was unable to have kids. I was sad in my 20s...by age 30..that urge to procreate...goes AWAY. I am now 38 and am so glad I have no kids. I have a stepson and 18 nieces and nephews...great nieces and nephews...this lady...is A-ok to not have kids. Enjoy the ones you know. Be glad for those having them. It's no big deal really. Keep your chin up.

elvislover324
05-20-2013, 03:29 PM
It's no big deal really.

I'm glad you got to this point, I really truly am happy for you. But some of us who can't have children or are struggling at the moment don't consider it "no big deal".

And for some of us, not being a mother is going to be the heartbreak of a lifetime so please consider that even though you are glad you aren't a mother now.

Wow. Just wow.

mrslynah
05-20-2013, 03:32 PM
My best friend recently conceived without really trying. She has PCOS. She sadly had a miscarriage, it would seem because her care (medications) were not being handled properly by her provider at the time. I have Stage IV Endo, which I believe is the leading cause for infertility, but I have been able to have two miracle babies, though with very complicated pregnancies and near-loss of both their lives and mine. All of that to say that, after reading through this thread, I see you are very young and have your whole life (and your eggs' lives) ahead of you. Please don't get it in your head that you are infertile! There is much research and testing and fight and fail and fight again before you can officially believe you are infertile. It sounds like you were given this diagnosis as if it were a nail in the coffin of your womb, as if the person who diagnosed you did not paint you a very modern or even accurate picture of what to expect. Please forgive me if there are variables I do not know about, but a diagnosis of PCOS alone does NOT equal infertility. Big Hugs!

franciejones
05-20-2013, 03:33 PM
I'm glad you got to this point, I really truly am happy for you. But some of us who can't have children or are struggling at the moment don't consider it "no big deal".

And for some of us, not being a mother is going to be the heartbreak of a lifetime so please consider that even though you are glad you aren't a mother now.

Wow. Just wow.

That was not what I meant. I can tell that my comment flew right over your head. Nevermind. Some people just do not want to hear anything other than their own thoughts. Be mad at your friend then...but I feel sorry as **** for her

elvislover324
05-20-2013, 03:35 PM
That was not what I meant. I can tell that my comment flew right over your head. Nevermind. Some people just do not want to hear anything other than their own thoughts. Be mad at your friend then...but I feel sorry as **** for her

It's not my friend and it's not my post. But I don't want the OP to read your message and think she's the only one who might be heartbroken if she never has a baby.

Nothing went over my head. I got your message loud and clear. Like I said, I'm really happy for you.

mrslynah
05-20-2013, 03:35 PM
That was not what I meant. I can tell that my comment flew right over your head. Nevermind. Some people just do not want to hear anything other than their own thoughts. Be mad at your friend then...but I feel sorry as **** for her

I'm not trying to be rude, but did you read the thread? You weren't responding to the original poster with the "friend"...

Jez
05-20-2013, 03:47 PM
All kidding aside, a devoted spouse its not something you can take for granted. Elvis and her husband are lucky to have each other being so supportive. Not everyone is like that. There ARE people in this world who would take the opt-out that Elvis mentioned. They're probably the same people who, after a divorce, start up a new family and then proceed to ignore the kids from their prior marriage. To be fair, I think that if roles were reversed and a woman wanted children as badly as OP and some of the other posters here do, and their husbands were infertile, it seems many would take that opt-out and I'm not sure they would be horrible people for doing it.
------------------------

With regards to the adoption thing. I am curious as to why people seem to be insulted when adoption is mentioned, as if it is offensive to be thought to have to "settle". Adoption is a wonderful thing. I understand it's not what you "want", but I can't wrap my brain around why not. As curious as I am about what my bio-kid would look like-- if I wanted kids I would not just need a mini-me, I'd be in it because I wanted to raise a child.

elvislover324
05-20-2013, 03:48 PM
I'm not trying to be rude, but did you read the thread? You weren't responding to the original poster with the "friend"...

Thank you, mrslynah. I don't think she did (nor did she really care).

I just don't want a young girl like the OP to think her feelings aren't valid. And for some of us, the thought of not being a mom is one of the worst disappointments to even think about. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm in the process of trying for a miracle myself and I have until September before I have to have a hysterectomy. But obviously if I get pregnant, I can delay it until the time of birth. Your experience gives me so much hope!!! :hug:

elvislover324
05-20-2013, 03:54 PM
With regards to the adoption thing. I am curious as to why people seem to be insulted when adoption is mentioned, as if it is offensive to be thought to have to "settle". Adoption is a wonderful thing. I understand it's not what you "want", but I can't wrap my brain around why not. As curious as I am about what my bio-kid would look like-- if I wanted kids I would not just need a mini-me, I'd be in it because I wanted to raise a child.

In my experience (so I only speak for myself), I think people use the adoption suggestion as a consoling type statement/suggestion. If and when I adopt a child, it's totally separate from what I am dealing with now (i.e., cancer in my uterus, preparing for a hysterectomy, menopause at 37, a part of my marriage and life that I am mourning, being a "failure" as a woman <--this is my opinion to myself and not about any other person or creature, losing my "lady" parts and feeling empty inside, fear of the cancer spreading before it's taken out, the future risk of breast cancer, etc.). I have a lot to deal with personally before I can ever bring home an adopted child. But I will be a mom someday hopefully, no matter how I have to do it.

mrslynah
05-20-2013, 06:18 PM
With regards to the adoption thing. I am curious as to why people seem to be insulted when adoption is mentioned, as if it is offensive to be thought to have to "settle". Adoption is a wonderful thing. I understand it's not what you "want", but I can't wrap my brain around why not. As curious as I am about what my bio-kid would look like-- if I wanted kids I would not just need a mini-me, I'd be in it because I wanted to raise a child.[/QUOTE]

Ok, so what I'm about to say might be offensive to some, and I completely understand that. It doesn't make it any less true for SOME people.

I have worked in social services, particularly with children in foster care situations. In the United States, the only children up for public adoption are in foster care. Please do not blast what I am about to say, because I have spent a portion of my adult life championing for these children, working all hours of the day, seeing very little of my own family, and taking a lot of heat from judges, birth parents on drugs, you name it. Unfortunately, the children who stay in foster care, and are thus available for adoption, almost all have emotional, mental health, or medical needs that would quickly drain the average American family's bank account, if not their patience. Special needs children have been marketed in a way that bothers me for two reasons: 1) it completely discounts the very real traumas they have suffered and the very real challenges they face on a daily basis and 2) it candy coats a very serious life decision for people who want to do good, but may have NO CLUE what they are getting into. These kids are awesome. They are loveable. But they have problems. Plain and simple. They have been abused. They have been abandoned. Some have been traumatized during developmental stages that will prevent them from attaching normally without a LIFETIME of therapy. The truth, ugly, yes, is that when a young woman dreams of starting a family, she doesn't dream of visiting a therapist twice a week, paying for multiple health insurance policies, staying home because she can't leave the child in traditional day care or school, but going bankrupt, because she can't afford to stay home either. Some people are made to do this. A lot of people do it after raising birth children. Bringing children who have been abused into a home with other children can be a catastrophe- not always, but it can be. So, what no one wants to say, but has every right to feel, is that they don't know if they are equipped to raise a child that has special needs that are potentially emotionally, mentally, physically, and financially overwhelming. It's ok to say that.

Then there's adoption at birth, which would almost always be a private adoption, because there are no healthy babies on the adoption registry. Expensive doesn't even touch it. I have researched it. It is highway robbery what someone has to PAY to provide a LIFE to a CHILD that someone else either cannot provide for or doesn't want. This is real talk, folks, sorry if it's not politically correct. Then there's the legalities. There are no guarantees. There is waiting. And hoping... that birth mom isn't on drugs or suffering from an undiagnosed mental illness. Hoping... that this baby is going to be healthy, though YOU the adoptive parent have absolutely NO control over that. YOU can't control the care that baby gets in utero. You can't control the cigarettes, the alcohol, the fruits and veggies, the lunchmeat, the seatbelt in the car, etc. etc. etc. You can't talk to that baby in someone else's belly every night and tell him/ her that mommy's waiting...

And that brings me to this. Nature is what it is. No one should feel guilty for the gaping hole in her womb, if not growing and nurturing her own little peanut simply CRUSHES her soul. That is how it is. Procreation has driven this species for a LOOOONG time. We are wired for it. Everything we do is tied in one way or another to the continuation of the species, whether we know it or like it or not. The partners you are attracted to, the car you pick out at the lot, the jealousy or lack-thereof you feel for the last woman who passed you on the street. We are human. And that is what makes us long to grow babies, and it is what makes us fight for them at all cost and provide for them when resources are scarce.

I'm glad some women are at peace with adoption as a FIRST resort. Intellectually, I get that. Emotionally, primally, I know another place, a place in my gut that would just crumple up if I hadn't been able to conceive my own. Hugs to all.:hug:

alyssarinker
05-21-2013, 04:53 PM
mrslynah - I don't get my period at all & I have cysts on my ovaries, so my doctor is pretty sure I cant as of now. So i'm on metformin and some other medication that is suppose to help me menstrate.

I wouldn't mind to adopt, BUT i want to see myself in a child. Adoption is a great option, IF you have no other options. I think adopting is great because its taking a child out of a bad situation into a good one!

mrslynah
05-21-2013, 05:10 PM
mrslynah - I don't get my period at all & I have cysts on my ovaries, so my doctor is pretty sure I cant as of now. So i'm on metformin and some other medication that is suppose to help me menstrate.

I wouldn't mind to adopt, BUT i want to see myself in a child. Adoption is a great option, IF you have no other options. I think adopting is great because its taking a child out of a bad situation into a good one!

I see. My best friend was on metformin when she conceived. Sadly, her dr. was not very experienced with PCOS and took her off metformin too quickly, and she quickly miscarried. Her new ob says she will need to stay on metformin after conceiving. I am not very knowledgeable on all of that, so I won't speculate. I do hope that your doctor will continue to explore all your options and give you every possibility that modern medicine affords.

It is truly amazing, and sometimes terrifying, to see yourself in a little person. I pray and hope from the bottom of my heart that you get that joy. :hug:

joefla70
05-21-2013, 05:25 PM
Thank you, mrslynah. I don't think she did (nor did she really care).

I just don't want a young girl like the OP to think her feelings aren't valid. And for some of us, the thought of not being a mom is one of the worst disappointments to even think about. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I'm in the process of trying for a miracle myself and I have until September before I have to have a hysterectomy. But obviously if I get pregnant, I can delay it until the time of birth. Your experience gives me so much hope!!! :hug:

"Some people just do not want to hear anything other than their own thoughts." :p

joefla70
05-21-2013, 05:41 PM
I am not sure your age...but I was unable to have kids. I was sad in my 20s...by age 30..that urge to procreate...goes AWAY. I am now 38 and am so glad I have no kids. I have a stepson and 18 nieces and nephews...great nieces and nephews...this lady...is A-ok to not have kids. Enjoy the ones you know. Be glad for those having them. It's no big deal really. Keep your chin up.

I know your intentions were good in what you were trying to say to Elvis. It was just a little ... I don't know the word ... unexpected to see that you went from being "sad" not to be able to have kids, to saying that "by age 30.. that urge to procreate goes away" to being "so glad" that you don't. Two things struck me. The first was the 180 degree turn from wanting to have kids to being glad you did not have them, and the second was saying that by age 30 the need to procreate goes away. Did you simply mean that was your own personal experience, because it came off like you were saying that was the norm.

Personally, I didn't even start thinking about having kids until I was in my 30s. I was married at 32. but I wasn't ready before then anyway. But I always knew that I very much wanted to have kids. I see how much my sister, brother and I are part of my parent's lives and how much enjoyment they get from us -- and now my kids - that I personally couldn't imagine making a decision not to have kids.

Of course, not being able to have them is a different matter. And I can understand becoming ok with it and having a very happy life nonetheless. My sister (aged 50), who does not have kids -- she never married - says that she loves my kid so much that she couldn't imagine loving a child of her own any more than she loves them. So, I get what you are saying. Life still goes on and you can still be very happy. Again, it was just weird to see your 180 degree turn. Looking back on it, when it made you sad that you couldn't have kids, do you think you really wanted them? I mean no offense. I'm just trying to wrap my head around the change of heart. If I didn't know better, I would think it was rationalization.

elvislover324
05-21-2013, 06:01 PM
"Some people just do not want to hear anything other than their own thoughts." :p

Oh, Joe!!

I love your posts. Even when they aren't yours. ;)

junebug41
05-22-2013, 02:35 PM
mrslynah - I don't get my period at all & I have cysts on my ovaries, so my doctor is pretty sure I cant as of now. So i'm on metformin and some other medication that is suppose to help me menstrate.

I wouldn't mind to adopt, BUT i want to see myself in a child. Adoption is a great option, IF you have no other options. I think adopting is great because its taking a child out of a bad situation into a good one!

I just want to provide some insight as someone who has pcos and struggled to get pregnant.

It really makes me mad when physicians tell very young women that they are infertile. I think it's irresponsible (do you know how many "oops" babies I know of from women who thought they couldn't get pregnant?) and can be emotionally devastating.

With PCOS, there are about a billion steps between Metformin or Clomid and deciding to be child-free forever. A billion. For myself, my doctor and I decided that a procedure called Ovarian Diathermy (ovarian drilling) was the best route. Not only did it regulate my cycles, but I conceived my son 3 months after the procedure. It's also covered by insurance since it's coded for pcos and not infertility.

If you are not ready to conceive now, the best thing you can do is live a healthy lifestyle and get your insulin resistance under control. I personally did not start taking metformin until after I had my son, but did find it to help the mild symptoms that remained after the surgery.

The other best thing you can do is educate yourself on pcos and infertility and the risks and statistics associated with different areas of reproductive technology. Some women find that diet and exercise are enough to help them get pregnant with pcos. Others have to take Clomid or Femara. Then there's meds that you inject to stimulate your ovaries and make you ovulate. There's surgeries. There's IVF. Then there's time. Studies have shown that the older that women with pcos get, the least symptomatic they become. You really won't know until you start trying.

I just wanted to give you my perspective as someone who went through the heartache of seeing others get pregnant, while not knowing if I'd ever be able to.

beerab
06-10-2013, 11:42 AM
Hey OP, I hope you are still around, I know this is about TTC but IMO the weight loss will definitely help. When I got down to 191 I got pregnant, due to my depression after miscarrying I did gain weight back, but now I'm on the lose weight wagon again and hoping I'll get pregnant soon. So don't give up hope! *hugs*