Chicks in Control - I did something absolutely stupid




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foreverfaye
04-18-2013, 08:28 PM
No it's not the binging. I've been there done that, learned how to move forward.
No today, I went out to grab lunch. Prior to that, I overslept this morning and as such did not have time to pack anything other than some healthy snacks to take to work (Mistake 1).
And then work turned out to be hectic and drama-filled and I barely managed to sneak in a cup of cottage cheese and then nada, nothing, zip for about 6 hours. By then I was starving (Mistake 2). I still had an apple and a yogurt but I convinced myself to ignore the hunger pangs until I could sit down and eat properly (Mistake 3).
I've been in this situation before chicks, I'm in the medical field so I've had to go long hours without eating before and I've learned that my mind does not look at food the same when I'm absolutely starving as it does when I'm just a little hungry or itís just time to eat. For me, starving is a binge trigger. It sends me into an 'eat everything in sight, you might not get another chance' overdrive.
But I wasn't thinking about this chicks, it didn't even hit me until long after that this is what had happened.
I had decided to grab a salad and some grilled chicken from a place not too far away and, I reasoned, that was known for its fresh healthy foods. I ignored the fact that it was also known for its unhealthy foods and that, many times in the past, I'd go there alone and eat meals that were probably suited to 2-3 people in one setting.
So I walked in immediately heading towards the salad bar when not even 5 steps in, I was captivated by the smells of all my favorite foods.
I'd walk you through the bargaining process I did with myself but some things are too humiliating to write down. Suffice to say, I gave in. I walked away from the salad and spent $30 (I can usually make that stretch for about 4 days of meals) on a lunch of carbs, carbs, carbs + dessert. Barely halfway in my binge, I was stuffed and feeling absolutely disgusting.
So I stopped. I threw away the rest of the food.
If Iíd stopped there, this tale couldíve been a triumphant one but I didnít and itís not.
I went into the bathroom and forced myself to throw up.
I canít even think why I did it. Itís definitely not a habit for me. Had I done it before? Sure, 3 or 4 times MAX as a teen many years ago but that food sitting in my belly just made feel so panicked and I wanted it out.
I feel like such an idiot, chicks. Just low and stupid because I know this doesnít fix anything and only leads to a bad road.
I don't even know if I had a specific question but I needed to share this with SOMEONE and my RL friends and family would not understand.


thegoodvegan
04-18-2013, 09:44 PM
Hey! Don't be so hard on yourself!

We all make mistakes, it's only part of being human. No one is perfect.

You have to acknowledge the RIGHT things you did, which is that you know what your mistakes were, and now you can avoid letting this happen in the future! You'll know how to handle it better.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, as cliched as that is. But good that you didn't keep all this to yourself! WE'RE ALL HERE FOR YOU! And you're strong and you can do this :) Tomorrow is a new day!

veggiedaze
04-18-2013, 10:09 PM
Hi,

I agree with thegoodvegan not to be too hard on yourself. but you should maybe ask yourself if you might be at risk of doing this again. If so you may want to go see someone like a councelor only because it is something that can spiral out of control. It started like this for my sister, like a one time thing, but once you successfully purge once, the thought is always there you can do it again. It doesn't help much though because usually when purging starts, bingeing starts occuring at a much higher frequency because they know they can purge after so they use less willpower and techniques to try and stop the urges. And in the end, for someone concerned with weight, you are much better off having fewer binges without purging than you are having many binges with lots of purging. Also, vomitting will eventually destroy your heart due to electrolyte imbalances that happens. My sister was 25 years old purging several times a day by the end, in what began just like you, an innocent single episode after feeling guilty. She started getting chest pains all the time and started vomitting blood. She went to the doctor and he said her heartbeat was irregular, her kidneys weren't functioning normally, she had all kinds of damage to her esophagus, and he basically told her she would die probably soon if she continued.

The point I'm making here is that this kind of damage to your body is not worth it. Whatever weight you may have gained from that meal was far less damaging than vomitting. I think it would also be good to see a concellor anyways because you have food issues like me where you feel overly guilty when you mess up and eat things you don't think you should. For my sister to get over the eating disorder, she had to work on the guilt thing and not seeing some foods as good and some as bad. That is what I am working on now. It's okay to mess up sometimes. Everyone does. You don't need to be perfect. I am working on not "dieting/being restrictive". It has been so tough at first but just now after 3 weeks it is finanlly clicking. Yesterday for first time in about 18 years I ate food I considered bad without feeling any guilt. Normally I would have fellt so guilty and it would have started a binge. But I didn't feel guilty. It is an amazing feeling. But you have to get rid of the diet mentality to do that. You have to do things out of self love and not self hate. Eat food you like, not food you tell yourself you "have to have". There must be many healthy foods you like so surround yourself wiith those to encourage going for those things, but when you want something you like that you consider bad, just have it. You don't have to be perfect all the time. Eventually the forbidden food won't seem so attracive anymore. People always want forbidden food more. And do exercise you enjoy like maybe a group sport. These things will get you to your goal without having to diet or follow any plan. Sorry if i'm telling you things you already know. It's just that this stuff has been so life changing for me that I want everyone to know.