100 lb. Club - I hate my body. There...I said it.

04-18-2013, 03:28 PM
Sit down. Take a load off. Open your heart and know that you are not alone in your journey.

This morning I went to my first pilates class. It was challenging. In fact, any body works class is challenging for me. "A body works workout routine focuses on using your own body weight to exercise." http://www.livestrong.com/article/127620-body-works-workout-routine/#ixzz2Qq6bySX7
When I take a zumba class or another aerobic type of class, I'm more focused on my coordination and/or cardiovascular strength. However, classes focused on the body (yoga, pilates, barre, tai chi, maybe belly dancing)- I struggle. I struggle physically, but I practically fail emotionally.

It's hard for me to not to focus on everyone who is smaller then me in the class (no, literally...I was definitely the biggest most out of shape person in attendance). I battle with being disappointed in my body- and then switching to be disappointed in myself for neglecting my body for so long. I feel inferior when I can't do the exercises (as if anyone is really paying attention to me.)

At the beginning of the class I was doing pretty well. I was focused on loving and honoring my body. I kept telling myself the both my body and I deserved this. But by the end of the 1 hour class, I was pretty drained emotionally.

I was pretty surprised when the instructor made a point to find me in the locker room after class. I expressed to her some of my struggles and was quite tearful. I told her that I hated my body (which I then regretted later.) She gave me hug and told me that she would love to work with me. I thought that was really wonderful. I'm going to take her barre class on Saturday.

Has anyone else tried to regularly work at repairing their mind-body connection? Did anyone else struggle? Is part of your wellness plan to focus on that relationship with self?

04-18-2013, 03:32 PM
Maybe I'll secretly inspire others at my gym who are plus-sized to try yoga and/or pilates. :: shrugs ::

04-18-2013, 03:38 PM
Whenever I see other heavy people at the gym, it always encourages and inspires me! I am proud of them even when I don't know them. :)

04-18-2013, 03:43 PM
Lunar, first off, you are AWESOME. :hug: I love your posts and your honesty and that you put your heart and soul into these posts. I can feel all your emotions coming through like I'm feeling them myself.

I wish I was brave enough to ever go to a class. I have so many hang ups that I can't even get myself out the door. And I know where and when I can go to these classes and I know awesome people there. But I.CANT.DO.IT. And it makes me sad to even admit those words after all I have proved to myself in the past 8 months. But really, I can't do it. I'd die of an anxiety attack before getting out the door.

You inspire me so much. You make me want to go to Colorado and go to a class with you, because with someone like you, I wouldn't be afraid. I'd know you'd be a true friend and keep me motivated and help me succeed. I wish I could be that kind of friend to you too.

You went to the class, that is half the battle. You stayed for the class and did it all, that's the other half of the battle. So I give you a gold star for the day!!! You did wonderful!! And I'm so happy the instructor reached out to you. You are going to succeed in her classes, I just know it.:)

04-18-2013, 03:47 PM
Don't feel bad-- yoga always kicks my butt and I run 3 miles at a time without stopping, so I would say that I'm in pretty good shape. But seriously...yoga kills me! Keep at it and don't compare yourself to others--just try to improve from where you started.

04-18-2013, 03:48 PM
Lunar, I have to say, you're braver than me. I have yet to find the nerve to go to the gym, let alone join a class.

I am soooo shy about going, I believe it's mostly a fear of being judged. Even when I go out for my walk/run's I find myself stopping when a car comes close because of fear of looking ridiculous. Crazy huh?

I'm trying to not worry about what others think and yesterday I actually did keep running when a car went by. Big NSV for me! I don't know why I am so gosh darn self-conscious. I've lost almost 90lbs and yet I'm just as fearful as I was 90lbs heavier. I just don't get it. Our minds like playing games with us!

One of my mini-goals is to actually make myself go to the gym and workout on the equipment. It will be a while before I get the nerve to join a class, but I'll be shouting from the rooftops when I do!

04-18-2013, 03:59 PM
I'm glad you are all with me on this journey and I'm so glad that I don't feel alone. Your posts make me teary, but teary with joy. I'm encouraged by how much you all believe in me.

And I believe in you all too! I can't wait to read about the posts you make after your first classes. Group classes are really quite fun.
Check out all the offerings at my gym:

Pretty wild, right?

My muscles are fatigued, but my heart is happy. Thank you for lifting me up. :)

04-18-2013, 03:59 PM
Thnknthin's post just reminded me of something that I do.

Did you all ever see Adam Sandler's movie "Big Daddy"? When the little boy is in court, he wears his sunglasses that make him "invisible" so he can be brave and talk. He thinks if he can't see anyone, then they can't see him either. :) When I walk in my neighborhood, I make myself invisible too. When I wear my sunglasses, no one can see me.:dancer::dancer::dancer: And sometimes, that's the only thing that gets me out the door walking. No eye contact with anyone unless I physically remove my sunglasses. We have to do what works for us, I say.

04-18-2013, 04:07 PM
Agreed. It's good that we are getting out of the door. Part of this journey for me is healing some of these negative emotions that I carry about myself. If I had a daughter (or a son)- I would want her to run confidently past cars without sunglasses, throw herself into exercise classes without hesitation, and be joyful and confident in every endeavor she faced.

I want the same for myself. I want to learn how to have those feelings- so that I could share them with others.

04-18-2013, 04:11 PM
Thnknthin's post just reminded me of something that I do.

Did you all ever see Adam Sandler's movie "Big Daddy"? When the little boy is in court, he wears his sunglasses that make him "invisible" so he can be brave and talk. He thinks if he can't see anyone, then they can't see him either. :) When I walk in my neighborhood, I make myself invisible too. When I wear my sunglasses, no one can see me.:dancer::dancer::dancer: And sometimes, that's the only thing that gets me out the door walking. No eye contact with anyone unless I physically remove my sunglasses. We have to do what works for us, I say.

Oh gosh Elvis, I do the same thing also with the sunglasses! How funny is that we feel like we can hide behind them? I wear the darn things even when it's cloudy or the sun is down.

04-18-2013, 04:51 PM
Keep going! Keep going! I'm still the fattest person who consistently attends hot yoga. While I want to not be that person, think how much greater MY accomplishment (and yours is). It's EASY to go to yoga when you look hot and thin and are pretty fit already (Bikram yoga is never easy, so props to anyone who continues). It's EASY to put on your skimpy gym clothes when you know you look good. (But every woman has body anxieties, I reckon.) I am not that flexible and some positions I can't do because I'm too fat. But I measure my success by how I feel and how much progress I make - even if it's progress of millimetres.

I'm not the fattest person on my rugby team, but the 2nd. Yesterday I felt the weight of shame as I was struggling to finish my fitness drill. (It was truly a beast). I was still going long after everyone else had finished. Everyone was shouting encouragement but I just wanted them to ignore me while I finished off.

I still feel a fraud sometimes doing plyometrics - in training for rugby. But how much more am I accomplishing overcoming physical and mental barriers than someone who has never been as fat and out-of-shape as I have.

So try to turn it around if you can. I know it's hard.

04-18-2013, 04:57 PM
I came across this last year in a blog and it made me cry...

"Hey, Fat Girl.

Yes, you. The one feigning to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome. If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so
many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

(taken from @I Love to Run on facebook...)"

04-18-2013, 05:02 PM
LOOOOOVE that ChickieBoom!!! I don't look down. I look up. I only wear sunglasses when I need them - which in England... well, it ain't that often. I have never had anything but acknowledging smiles or nods from other runners. Not patronising. But welcoming. "Yep, you ARE a runner."

04-18-2013, 05:05 PM
Oh Lunar I know exactly what you mean. The Hot Yoga class I used to go to, I was the "fat kid" in class. It used to be so embarrassing and I would always hide in the back of the class but one day I decided to place my mat right in the front of the mirror. I told myself that I may not be as thin as the rest of the bunch but I was doing exactly what they were doing for a whole hour and doing pretty darn well too !! ;)

It happens at the gym every night too ! I feel so self conscious, I work out with my hoodie on :o You see so many good looking, well built, beefed up people doing their thing and once you are a regular they kind of try to make eye contact or pass a smiling 'hello'. To me it feels like them judging me or mocking me or pointing & laughing thinking 'oh look, fat kid in the gym' :(
I avoid eye contact like the plague. All my workouts have me with my eyes on the floor.. that's something I want to work on. Not hate my body so much & not to feel so self conscious!!

I mean I am AT the gym aren't I ? Using the same equipment those attractive folks are using and maybe they don't even care how I look. Maybe they themselves are so self conscious.. maybe that's why they are at the gym to begin with? Who knows?! Best not to think much and as Elvis said, put those invisible glasses on and do your thing !!! :cool:

04-18-2013, 05:08 PM
AlmostMe - Right! I think we get in our own way too much sometimes. People constantly surprise me with their kindness and compassion.

lunarsongbird - Your body is AWESOME. It changes and adapts and learns and gets better and better. With time and practice you will be a pilates pro. Pilates is HARD! I have the Winsor dvds and I struggle through them!

04-18-2013, 05:08 PM
It takes a lot of strength going there knowing "you are a square
Peg trying to fit in a round hole":hug::D .i know I would feel out of place....but you did it!:carrot: Pat yourself on meeting that challenge! Give yourself time to hit your stride and feel comfortable.:hug:

We all have are own issues so ....probably the others are thinking about their stuff not yours.:dizzy:

Unless someone directly said something to me Itwould not even be on my Radar!
Hey we are all beginners at one time or another ...cut yourself some slack ...and enjoy being the Newbie..:carrot:

Good Luck,Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Belly Belle
04-18-2013, 05:15 PM
Thank you for sharing this. I really loved it. =)

I truly think that my only problem when it comes to weight loss is the complete and utter lack of connection my body has with my mind. If the 2 were connected, I'd be a super model. But they aren't, and it's a process and it will happen, but it takes so long, and it is emotionally debilitating, I understand. Good luck to you in your classes! =)

04-18-2013, 06:07 PM
I forgot one part of today's class!!!

I had to sit on a small little exercise ball! It was only about 9 inches wide. Oh goodness gracious. I thought certainly I was going to pop the stupid thing. It was a bit scary for a second. It didn't pop. I was relieved. LOL.

04-18-2013, 06:13 PM
Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

This made me a bit emotional, as well. This is pretty awesome.

Also- I subscribed to Women's Running Magazine yesterday.

the shiv
04-18-2013, 08:03 PM
Lunarsongbird, thankyou for being so honest with us! I read all these posts about "I'm doing a 5k", and " I want a workout buddy" etc... And I just think... What the?

For example. My bf lives in a 3rd floor flat. At the top of a big hill. With stairs. For so long I'd avoid going back to the house with him because I was so mortified about having to take breaks, sweating like a pig. A friend suggested we do body pump classes together. I declined because I don't want to embarrass myself in front of my friend. I work in a bar attached to a dance studio. I've been asked to do classes for fun, but I'd be mortified serving people after them seeing the state I'd be in a class.

I'm not a big sociable person. But does that stop me from going out running? Does it stop me from going to the gym or a class, or swimming or skating alone? No. The fact that OTHER PEOPLE ARE THERE stops me doing these things, or rather - my insecurity about it. I won't even do 30DS when someone's in the house because it sounds like I'm trying to bring down the building.

I really don't like my body at the moment. But I will say, I love it. I'm sorry for the years of cr*p I've put it through and I enjoy treating it better. It is sheer embarrassment, ok... mortification... and a bit of shame that stops me getting other people involved. It even makes me unsettled when someone notices I've lost weight. Like... If I put it back on, what will they think then? Not that it matters what THEY think, but I'll be thinking it myself. I couldn't do it. And now everyone knows it. It's not like debt, which is hidden behind layers of security, you wear it everywhere. I feel like I'm wearing years of self-hatred, depression and failure. It's not just exercising in public, it's BEING in public. I used to love socialising sometimes. I hope I get that back.

So, for now, I walk. I do weights when I'm alone. I let my eating take care of most of it. I'm still trying to work this one out with myself. I really do think it'll be a case of eating my way down to my "not fat" weight of about 170 before I venture out in public.

I have so much admiration for you, for all of you, who are getting on with it in spite of these feelings :grouphug:

04-19-2013, 12:33 PM
That's a really honest and brave post. I don't think it's necessarily a big person/smaller person thing. I know LOTS of naturally skinny women who absolutely LOATHE their bodies, completely fixated on the tiniest thing. Some even fixate and hate things there's no hope of ever changing - like feet size! wow!

Not every fat person has BAD body image, and not every thin person has GOOD body image.

at 323 pounds I did not love how I looked, but I always loved ME. As I was losing, i felt regret for what I'd done to myself. I found it hard to accept praise for losing so much weight - I mean after all, I was the idiot who dumped it all ON THERE in the first place right???

But as I lost, and toned up a bit, I thought "hey those collarbones are nice!" or "my arm fat doesn't jiggle so much now" stuff like that and felt very accomplished indeed!

What's done is done, and you're working to change things. No one benefits from you hating your body, but that's all inside you - we can't compliment you into loving yourself, or just say "stop it, love your body" it doesn't work that way, change comes from within you alone.

My only advice is, when those thoughts creep in, let it motivate you to get up and do something to change your mind

04-19-2013, 12:46 PM
change comes from within you alone.

Isn't that the truth!? I think that is one of the reasons that I like body work...It's me. Me alone. No one can push me into a plank or hold me in a position. My body and I have to do that- and in doing so, we work on our relationship.

Pink Hurricane
04-19-2013, 12:46 PM
Lunar I completely understand struggling with the mind and body connection. It is honestly a daily struggle for me, almost like a tug of war, and some days it drives me nuts. I thought it was really sweet and pretty amazing that your instructor took the time to find you after class and speak with you and offer to help you. I heard barre classes are fun, I would love to do one myself!

I encountered a problem last night, in front of my husband, in which my mind-body connection was at war. I was tearful and explained to him I felt inadequate even though I have no reason to feel that way, just because of extra weight. He was so patient and kind and let me get out a lot of insecurity that I had been holding in since I put on so much weight after we got married. But it helped me, it helped to talk about it and to be open with someone about what I am dealing with, and it made us stronger and closer as a result. I feel more at peace today than yesterday, just know you are definitely not alone in that struggle!