Depression and Weight Issues - Accepting myself




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seabiscuit
04-14-2013, 06:58 PM
Hi,

I thought I would write a post because I feel a bit, well, unsure of what to do at this point with some situations in my life and also a bit frustrated.

I struggle a lot with accepting myself for who I am and loving myself for who I am. It is hard for me to see myself as truly beautiful beyong my overweight body and other traits that I consider flaws or faults. Ever since I was young, people told me I was too harsh on myself, my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. I would have liked to have given myself the benefit of the doubt but I felt it was ingrained in me from an early age starting in the schoolyard with bullies and sexual harassment in my teens. I started coloring and highlighting my hair when I was 17, still do and would like to stop that but I don't know what I will think of my true hair color and better yet, how do I really feel about myself, the self that is there that needs to be nurtured and loved, not stuffed with food?

It's interesting, I think, that this recent ex-boyfriend of mine loved me a lot for awhile and for awhile accepted me for who I truly was. Then he tried to change and manipulate me but the times when he did love me for who I was were wonderful and although I am not completely over him yet, I find it so touching how truly and deeply he said he loved me and we were together just shy of 3 months. Why don't I love myself so deeply and truly too?

I see other guys interested in me so I think, I must be doing something right, but then I see all the 'flaws' that I have such as the overwhelming medical and psychiatric issues that I have in my life. There are other things that upset me and make me feel perhaps not unlovable but not worthy or not of a caliber that I desire in my life and maybe never will never have because of my disability.

At the end of the day, I just don't know if I will ever win this battle of self esteem and acceptance with myself. If I could win that, perhaps the pounds would fall off and stay off and I wouldn't feel the need to sabotage myself with weight amongst other things and realize that I do deserve success and a good life.

I don't know what is holding me back from loving myself and accepting myself.

Insights, advice anyone?

Thanx


Kaitie9399
04-18-2013, 11:45 AM
Hello! My only advice would be to maybe try talking things out with a counselor.

Skettihead03
04-18-2013, 11:59 AM
You are BEAUTIFUL. You just have to keep telling yourself that over and over. Self acceptance and appreciation takes a lot of time and effort and can be exhausting. I know I struggled with it for so many years. I know it's not the easiest thing to do to just completely makeover your brain and how you see yourself. If it seems impossible, I would suggest talking to a counselor, maybe talking about it out loud will help.

Focus on what you do love about yourself. Even if at first it's not your physical attributes. Like for instance, even though I was picked on for being fat, I loved my personality. I am a sweet, head strong and outgoing person - a great friend. I will always love this trait about me, whether I'm 100 lbs or 300. Being heavy does not make me some bottom of the barrel person who has to work extra hard to have people like me. So I started to just pick myself up and tell me when I deserve better. Soon it started to be that I loved my sense of humor. Eventually when I looked in the mirror, I could see the kindness in my eyes and decided I loved my pretty brown eyes. I started to feel more confident in my looks as a whole, heavy or not.

I used to take picture after picture 8 years ago! But now it's been like I dread updating a new facebook picture and if I do, it's just a face shot and closed mouth smile (never was confident about my teeth). Just recently I really came out in my own. I love myself. My current picture is a big happy open mouth smile. Attitude is everything. And it took me so long to get here but I think you will get there too. And I even love myself with roots more than halfway down my hair (haven't colored in forever!) minimal makeup, and still heavy with 180+ lbs to lose. Hugs to you, I know you will eventually find a way to love you and everything about you.


Lecomtes
04-18-2013, 12:22 PM
Hugs to you! Many of us here it seems need to work on appreciating ourselves as others do...I don't really have an answer as to how...but lately for me it has been really helpful to do a few things for myself each day, every day. I take a few minutes to log my food, working out has tremendously improved my level of happiness, and making sure I take 15 quiet minutes to breath deeply and stretch while trying to not think about anything...You deserve happiness as much as anyone else, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! I really felt for you as I read your words, and I am reminded that so many women have more compassion for others than they do for themselves. :/ Try to identify and remind yourself of your positive traits and achievements...and remind yourself how wonderful you! I wish you luck and hapiness! BIG HUG!

ohiofreespirit
04-23-2013, 01:17 PM
I like myself the way I am, weight and all. When I look in the mirror, I'm not thrilled, don't get me wrong but I'm not hating on myself either. I accept myself.

My Dr is on me to lose weight so I guess I have to so I can get healthy. I am who I am, whether I am thick and curvy, thin or somewhere in between. I have a feeling it is going to be somewhere in between.

lovely30
04-30-2013, 04:27 AM
Hmm. Maybe you could think about why you sabotage yourself, and start there with healing before tackling things that you might ruin. People can have a tough time keeping the weight off if they don't find out why they overeat in the first place. Fix the inside, the rest will follow.

seabiscuit
04-30-2013, 02:15 PM
Hi there everyone-

I want to say a big [B]thank you[B] from the bottom of my heart. All of your replies are so touching and heartfelt, which means so much to me.

I showed this thread to my therapist and we talked about how I am a very tough critic on myself and what the purpose of that is, if there is one. I think the purpose that I have discovered is that it makes me want to work harder, learn from my mistakes more or constantly do better in life. My psychiatrist seems to think I am on a self improvement kick and I joked with that about with one family member but I think I got it from another family member. I want to improve in my life but I am also very tough on myself and I used to actually hit and kick myself. Now I say to myself, don't beat yourself up, it's okay, you'll get through this and smile. It's just deep down inside, I am somewhat insecure about myself. I think I am getting better with this and my therapist and I were talking about that when I was at a lower weight, I was still not happy with myself so it's not all about the weight.

Regarding the self sabotaging of my weight and of myself, I think success seems scary. I feel that there are expectations of others and attention that I will get from others when I achieve success which leaves me with staying in the uncomfortable zone of not being successful. I caught my self sabotaging today, eating an unhealthy breakfast after I lost about 4 lbs. Then I had a salad for lunch today to try and reverse what I had done because I realized what I was doing so at least I am aware of my situation.

Well, thanks everyone so much for the compliments and great tips. I very much appreciate your help. I may come back to visit this thread even though it wasn't an easy one to write.

Take care.