Chicks in Control - Need support: first real danger of binging for months!




KittyKatFan
04-13-2013, 08:17 PM
Ok, I need some help.

I have been hospitalized and have been eating the full meals in the hospital, which I don't regret. I believe I need the strength and extra calories to recover.

What I'm afraid of is that for the first time in months, I am having super-strong urges to binge. I think it is because I feel like I am out of control: I can't exercise, I can't eat what I normally eat, I am not in control of my surroundings. I feel very bloated because of the IV meds that have been pumped into me; that and the inability to exercise and eating more than I usually do are messing with my head, making me believe I have gained 20 pounds even though I don't think that's possible (although with no thyroid maybe it is...).

I am not able to get food since I'm hospitalized, but I have friends and family who are asking me what they can bring for snacks. I did ask for a couple of treats: not enough to binge; truly just because I'm still hungry. But I still feel guilty about it.

My fear is when they release me either today (hopefully) or tomorrow. All I can think is, "I have already gained, and my weight won't stabilize for a while, so no one will ever know if I binge." All I can think about are the foods I want to eat. I'm not necessarily thinking about big portions, but am not thinking about moderation either. It's like everything I have worked on for the past four months has flown out the window.

Please, please, please slap me around and help me come to my senses!!!


Garnet2727
04-13-2013, 08:24 PM
KittyKat, this is all your stress, pain and meds talking. You haven't gained 20 pounds. No way. It's parts of your brain freaking out because of all you've been through and all you are going through. Are you going to have a weight gain out of all this? Very likely but it that is something you know how to handle. You know how to lose weight. You've got this.

I'm not sure how to help you get calm and centered. Do you have a favorite place you can go to in your mind? For example, there's a place in Sedona, AZ where I used to go a lot. It was by Oak Creek. The water made music. The trees and plants smelled so good. I could sit on a rock there and just....listen. Now when I'm stressed, sometimes I imagine that place and listening to the water. Have you a place you like that you can think about?

veggiedaze
04-13-2013, 09:00 PM
hi kittykatfan - please try to remain calm and take some deep breaths. also, try not to focus on any perceived weight gain whether real or not. It doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things. Focus on your achievements and all the positives over the last few months. Don't be so hard on yourself; you are in the hospitatl. Eating more than normal sometimes is not a bad thing. Overeating is not the same as bingeing. Maybe try to remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing. If there are some things you want maybe you could just have something and not beat yourself up about it. Try to step outside of yourself and observe your thoughts and how they are making you feel. Can you change those thoughts to change your feelings. Observe any negative self talk you might be engaging in. Also, take yourself out of the situation mentally and pretend you are helping someone who is in your exact position. What would you say to her?

Also, can you keep someone with you for company and someone to talk to? Maybe with some company you can wait this one out.


Roo2
04-13-2013, 09:34 PM
KittyKat- first of all take a deep breath and breathe in and out concentrate on the sound of your breathing .Close your eyes and visualize your diaphragm rising and slowly breath in and out . Say to yourself I am strong and getting stronger,I have control and I have got this. practice Mediating and focus on your favorite outdoor places in nature and visualize that you are there.:hug:

It is very important that you calm your brain down and focus on positive....do not allow negative thoughts to creep in to your head.:hug:
Make a plan to learn to do something that would take a lot of effort and become absorbed in that. You need to keep your brain non stressed and also find ways that you can give back to others...volunteering or something else ...that will really help you...keep a more positive prospective and will help you really get back to where you want to me!
Medications and being hospitalized can give you panic attacks, not saying that's what is happening , but that it can.:hug:
Make a plan of action ...have friends and family bring you foods that are OP.
Do not let yourself off the hook! You have not gained 20lbs ...this is only fluids!
relax sweetie and breathe....:hug:.
I am at home recouping so although I don't know exactly what your going thru ...I am experiencing frustration with a body that is not behaving like I want it to do....and knowing I will always have to be vigilant where my health is concerned to be as healthy as I can!
Hang in there Girl, I am Rooting for you! Hugs and feel better,Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

seabiscuit
04-13-2013, 10:10 PM
:hug: ((((( KittyKatFan )))))

KittyKatFan,

I am sorry you are in the hospital and are upset. I was in the hospital twice this year alone and I know how frustrating it can be. :hug: You can get through this! Food is only a temporary solution to the underlying issues. I know for myself that sometimes I feel worse after bingeing, I still get cravings at times but I know that I feel better when I don't binge.

It sounds like you are getting a lot of support here, which is awesome. I send you all my support too. I have faith that you can get through this without overeating!!

What are some coping thoughts that you can use to get you through this tough time?

How about: "I am a good person." "One moment at a time, I can and will get through this."

Take good care of yourself! :hug:

KittyKatFan
04-14-2013, 12:24 AM
Veggiedaze - you hit it right on the head with your all-or-nothing comment. That is exactly what I retreat to when stressed, and for years I have been on this all-or-nothing eating cycle. I have been working so hard to get to more of a forgiving middle ground.

I do have a relative here. She is out running errands for me. Hope she will return soon. I did ask her to bring a treat (A treat, not several) and should not feel guilty about having one extra small thing that I crave.

Garnet2727 - thank you for the imagery idea. I do that all the time as a way to distract. I think of the central coast of California.

I appreciate the help. I plan to get extra therapy next week to get me back on track. No way I want to go back to the binge-and-restrict days. I just have to get a hold of these crazy thoughts.

KittyKatFan
04-14-2013, 12:31 AM
Roo2 and Seabiscuit, thanks for your help :)

It helps to hear this advice from people who, like me, are recovering from illness and/or surgery. It is so hard to take things one day at a time, but I do need to stay calm and live in the moment. This is a lifelong battle and a few pounds, whether caused by water weight or food/lack of exercise, are just blips in the road when you look at the big picture.

I will find a way to get through tomorrow. Having family here, even if only for a weekend visit, has been a good distraction. And just getting out of the hospital and having the freedom to choose my menu options will be a positive. I just feel so trapped and at other people's mercy right now.

I will get through Sunday, eating a bit more to aid in recovery and comfort without resorting to binging, then I will be back in laser focus on Monday when I will have additional support resources available.

Wish me luck - and thanks again to all :)

veggiedaze
04-14-2013, 07:34 AM
wow kittykatfan, sounds like you've calmed down a bit. It's great you did not let the all or none attitude take you over. I think that is the biggest reason why some people start bingeing in first place. I think it's very stressful like you said about having someone else in control of your activities and what you eat and it's so tough to not panic. Sometimes we have to just go with it, ride it out, tell ourselves "okay maybe I can't eat or do what I want to right now and am eating more than what I might normally be doing, but it's not the end of the world".You have been and continue to be a real inspiration to me in my own recovery proccess.

KittyKatFan
04-14-2013, 03:52 PM
Veggiedaze, I don't know that I have totally calmed down. I am still not thinking in the totally right frame of mind. I am eating my full meals (although I stopped today when full), but I also accepted a treat that a friend brought me. I am probably lucky in a way that I am hospitalized because I could potentially slide into binging if I were out on the prowl. If I don't get out this afternoon, damage will be minimized because I will have more support tomorrow.

What I think I have done is accept people's advice to realize that this hardship I'm experiencing is a temporary blip on a very long path. If I gain ten pounds for whatever reason, I can get back to the good habits I have developing. I am already thinking of cope-ahead strategies I can adopt when I do get out of here: going to the store and buying nutrient-rich food; making a safe, healthy dinner when I get home; resuming extra therapy sessions until I feel more secure.

I will get through this without going back to where I was. I just have to accept being temporarily out of control of things, let the experts dictate what I need to do to get better, and realize that I will be able to jump back on the focused, binge-free path as soon as I am able.

veggiedaze
04-15-2013, 12:13 AM
Kittykatfan - i'm totally thinking about you right now and hoping you're doing okay. The words you speak seem to indicate you are able to see the situation in a better light in that you are realizing you are in a hardship which is just a temporary blip. Once it's all over, I'm sure this experience will make you even stronger, and if you encounter another obstacle like this it may be much easier to deal with. Hope we hear from you soon :)

Garnet2727
04-15-2013, 11:12 AM
Just thinking about you too, KKF and sending cyber hugs your direction.

KittyKatFan
04-16-2013, 01:16 AM
I binged...:(

On my 20-week binge-free anniversary, I binged. :( :(

And the desire to binge is still not out of my system. It's like everything I've learned just went out the window. :( :( :(

I already don't feel 100%, and now I'm putting further strain on my mind and body at just the worst time. But I couldn't stop myself. :( :( :( :(

Oh well. It's the longest I ever went without binging. I can top it. Just have to get back in the right mindset somehow.

missunshine
04-16-2013, 04:58 AM
kitty i'm so sorry. i know you're strong enough to get back on track. everything is not lost yet. a minor slip won't get you back to square one. you're almost at your goal weight and you should be focusing on that. one binge does not mean that you're going to gain all back.
i hope you'll get better soon. hugs

veggiedaze
04-16-2013, 07:07 AM
hey kittkatfan - sorry to hear you binged, but try not to be hard on yourself. You were in such an incredibly stressful situation, something you hadn't encountered yet. but now next time something stressful like that happens you will be okay. And heck, 20 weeks is such a huge accomplishment. Obviously you were doing something right and having the right mindset in order to achieve that. There is no way everything you learned went out the window. You just have to try and get rid of the guilt, forget about it, and push ahead.

kk2323
04-16-2013, 01:09 PM
Hi KittyKatFan,

Sending many hugs to you for your physical and emotional recovery. You've had such a crazy time lately. Even though you're feeling down, I have to commend your honesty. Coming on here and admitting that you were about to binge and then actually binged took such courage. I love that you're reaching out for support and not trying to deal on your own. This shows that you have strength and self-worth. I know you will get through this. Keep coming on and getting healthy. All of us here are cheering for you.

Garnet2727
04-16-2013, 01:25 PM
*hug* KKF. It's done then. Time to move on. *more hugs*

veggiedaze
04-16-2013, 11:24 PM
kittykatfan - I know how you feel, we've all been there with falling off the wagon and having a tough time getting it together. Realize that alot of this is guilt and that you don't have to feel bad. You have done so well. You have learned so much. You have not forgotten and it wasn't a waste. You are just still traumatized by everything that has gone on. Do your best and remember it doesn't have to be one way or another. Maybe seeing your doctor will reset things for you. Maybe he can give you something to help witth the anxiety. Totally thinking of you. Just take some deep breaths.

veggiedaze
04-16-2013, 11:34 PM
kittykatfan - i'm not sure why but my post showed up before your last when but I wrote it after. Hope you don't miss it. I am really thinking about you and I am sure you will come through this. Remember how amazing you are and don't forget it. You have inspired me so much on this forum.

KittyKatFan
04-16-2013, 11:34 PM
When I screw up, I go whole hog -I have been binging for the past 2 1/2 days. I get weighed in at the doctor tomorrow and I already feel shame. Water weight and non-stop food, not to mention a week of no exercise, will easily bring me up 20 lbs.

And I don't feel like I can stop. I want another day of freedom from restraint, before I get back on plan.

I just feel so much fear with my medical situation right now that my only comfort is food. Even though it is the worst thing I could do for myself right now. I am so worried that I'm going to have to go back to the hospital because I'm feeling some of the same symptoms I felt before I had to go to the ER last week.

I have to get my head around this...

Desiderata
04-17-2013, 04:01 PM
Kittykatfan -- how are you doing today? I don't really feel qualified to say the right thing, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Perfection doesn't exist. It is so very understandable to feel overwhelmed right now. Your mind is reaching out for self-soothing measures and going back to old habits. Know that however bad they might be for you, it's coming from a misguided place of good intention internally.

You learned so many good tools and techniques through your therapy and it's clear from your posts you're a smart, strong woman. Do the best that you can, and then forgive yourself.

Really hope today is a better day, and tomorrow better yet.

KittyKatFan
04-17-2013, 08:42 PM
Kittykatfan -- how are you doing today? I don't really feel qualified to say the right thing, but I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Perfection doesn't exist. It is so very understandable to feel overwhelmed right now. Your mind is reaching out for self-soothing measures and going back to old habits. Know that however bad they might be for you, it's coming from a misguided place of good intention internally.

You learned so many good tools and techniques through your therapy and it's clear from your posts you're a smart, strong woman. Do the best that you can, and then forgive yourself.

Really hope today is a better day, and tomorrow better yet.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Sadly, I couldn't keep from binging today. But I'm committed to getting through tomorrow binge-free and not looking back!

While I'm not exactly proud of myself right now, I take pride in the fact I went more than twice as long as I ever had before without binging. That is progress! And it gives me another record to break :)

Tomorrow will be better.

5yearscancerfree
04-17-2013, 09:59 PM
WOW!
This is the first time I have realized that I am an "all or nothing" dieter. I either am doing great or bad and didn't realize that both attitudes are crazy. I really like the idea of visualization and deep breathing with a mantra. I will start recognizing progress as being better than when I started and will record progress (no matter how small) into my journal. Thank you! And KiityKatFan, I wish you all the best when you are released from the hospital. Just FYI, many hospitals have a follow up plan where you can ask to speak with a dietician or even a support group and in many cases, both are free services. I hope you get to feeling better!

veggiedaze
04-17-2013, 10:15 PM
Hi kittykatfan - hope you are doing okay today and that you are putting the episode far behind you. You seem to have the right attitude in your last post. Just so you know, I don't think you need anything, I think you have it pretty figured out and are headed in the right direction. I can see you've got it right. I am just trying to follow in your footsteps.

KittyKatFan
04-20-2013, 12:17 AM
I'm slowly starting to get back on track. I am finishing up Day 2 binge free. A far cry from 139 days, my record, but ya gotta start somewhere...

I find it incredibly hard to get back on plan in the middle of the week. I usually say "to h*ll with it...I'm going to binge all weekend then be good on Monday." So I don't think I have gone about things the same way as I normally do.

For example, rather than trying to work out extra hard and reduce my caloric intake, my primary goal has simply been to stay within my meal plan (3 meals, 2 snacks). I probably ate a bit more than I "should" at each meal, but I didn't eat outside of planned meal and snack times.

What has been strange and particularly difficult has been my hunger. Real, physical hunger, not emotional hunger, although I have been experiencing that too. Even though I have eaten more than I typically do when in normal eating mode pre-binge, I am so hungry! My stomach is growling. It could be my body playing tricks with me, since it was getting overloaded with food and is now back to normal portions. Or maybe it is because my body is still recovering and actually needs more calories.

I was planning to start my exercise routine again on Monday, then I thought, why not start tomorrow? If I can end a binge mid-week, why not start exercising mid-week (maybe because I don't want to shave my legs tonight? :)). But I do think a bit of exercise would get me back into my old self faster. And I need it; the added binge weight is causing me to feel so sluggish, and the water weight is literally causing cramps in my calf muscles!

Here's to staying binge-free tomorrow...one day at a time :smug: