Weight Loss Support - Nasty row with my mom




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IanG
04-12-2013, 08:51 PM
Well, it came to a head as feared. My mom is visiting me for two weeks. Tonight (the start of the weekend when I am not at work) she noticed me skipping dinner as everyone at home sat down for a Chinese take-out to which I did not take part as I do intermittant fasting. Anyhow, she suggested within earshot of me, and to my wife, that she did not like this and that I was "starving myself". My wife concurred. I went ******* crazy.

I told her that I had been 20 stone (280lbs), was on BP medication and cholestoral medication and would probably be in the ground before she was in my 50s unless I took some action. I explained that I just did not need to eat in the evening (I rarely feel hungry at this time) and that this was important for me.

But I fear it was t.m.i..

Handled badly like I have a knack for in all aspects of my life.

She got upset. My wife will also probably be upset with me for upsetting my mom (later - as they are all sitting around me as I type this).

I will stay OP, but this is HARD! Nobody really gets it!


Mozzy
04-12-2013, 08:56 PM
Are you British? Lol

And sometimes it's hard for parents to NOT worry about the way their kids eat. She spent 18 years making sure you ate enough, it's engrained behavior that she worry about you.

My mom told me I was starving myself until I showed her how many calories I actually eat and that my nutritionist approved my eating plan. I also don't eat 3 meals a day so that kinda freaked her out too...

IanG
04-12-2013, 09:00 PM
Are you British? Lol

Yes and sorry!


Mozzy
04-12-2013, 09:03 PM
Don't apologize, I think that's awesome!

elvislover324
04-12-2013, 09:06 PM
Sorry you are going through this.

I didn't tell anyone esp. my parents about my diet. They wouldn't understand that my net 500-800 cals. a day is saving my life. My bloodwork has never been better, I'm medically supervised and I never felt better!!

I realized after 37 years that I don't have to tell them everythng anymore. :)

I'm glad you found something that works for you. And hello NSV not having Chinese food!!

IAmTheGlue
04-12-2013, 09:07 PM
*hugs* Hang in there. Do what you need to do for yourself.

I am sure that your Mom is acting out of love and concern for you. I know parents don't always do the right things, but I know that her heart is in the right place.

Stay strong. You can do this, with or without her support. Maybe you can make her understand that you need to do this for your health. Maybe not. Do it anyway. Do it for yourself. Do it for your health. Whatever the reason, just do it. You are a grown man, and you do not need her permission to do any of this.

My Dad once staged an intervention for me when he thought I was losing weight too fast. An INTERVENTION!! lol It was out of love. Your Mom is acting out of love. Sometimes I think, as a family, it is inevitable that we ruffle some feathers but things usually smooth themselves out. I hope you sort things out with your Mom and wife, but I also hope you keep doing what you have been working so hard on to improve your health.

elvislover324
04-12-2013, 09:08 PM
And btw, I thought you and your mom were out rowing in a canoe on rough water or something when I read the title!!!

IanG
04-12-2013, 09:14 PM
Thanks everyone for the support. And sorry for the bad title.

Mom has gone to bed and my wife is following up now calling me a bully. Ouch.

I am just gonna have to roll with the punches on this one.

And it's my twin boys' birthday party tomorrow. Sh@t!

Jez
04-12-2013, 09:37 PM
I feel for everyone who lives with other people, or has nosy people in their lives. I couldn't handle it, especially when dieting. I hate people in my business. :-/

LockItUp
04-12-2013, 09:56 PM
That sucks. Sorry that happened. People really do have a hard time understanding, especially things like IF. It seems scary to them and without having all the info it can definitely SEEM like an extreme thing to do. Very tough situation, Ian. I'm sure it could have been handled more gracefully, but I can definitely empathize with how it happened. Sometimes it just hits a nerve. I hope you aren't in too much trouble with the mom and wife!

BTW the fact that you're British makes you so much more awesome. Now I can read your posts in an accent!!!

gailr42
04-12-2013, 10:03 PM
Elvislover definitely sees the word "row" as a generally peaceful endeavor, except when the weather is bad, I guess. LOL. I, on the other hand, never thought about it being something that happened in a boat.

The English language is a wonderful thing!

Ian, sorry you had a go-round with your mother, and I'm not talking carousels.

IanG
04-12-2013, 10:08 PM
Oh great, so everyone is doing their English accents now.

I had that happen at a bar a few weeks ago. An American friend, and an American stranger, started to talk to each other in English accents across me and with me sitting in the middle of them! Surreal. But hilarious.

I guess I need to apologise to my mom and my wife. It was a bit hard of me. I am just a bit defensive about all my decisions. And I am definitely way too much all or nothing. Which works well for things like weight loss and careers, but much less well for relationships.

berryblondeboys
04-12-2013, 10:08 PM
Well... I think what would get me is that your wife agreed with your mother... that would hurt me the most. Is she not being supportive?

amandie
04-12-2013, 10:08 PM
I totally understand! I kinda had a similar heated discussion with my mom when she found out I was doing IF and I pretty much ended the discussion with asking why was she now showing concern if I am eating less and not when I was shoving my face back then. Granted, she was upset with me for a while after that but she got over it. Hoping the rest of the visit goes smoothly (I'm sure it will.)

amandie
04-12-2013, 10:10 PM
I guess I need to apologise to my mom and my wife. It was a bit hard of me. I am just a bit defensive about all my decisions. And definitely way too much all or nothing. Which works well for things like weight loss and careers, but much less with relationships.

You could just say you are sorry for how you reacted and say that you are a bit defensive of your lifestyle plan because it took a lot of courage to decide to do something about your health and you felt like you weren't getting support even though your plan obviously works (at least that's how I feel.)

gailr42
04-12-2013, 10:11 PM
I took it that his wife agreed with his mother just to keep peace with her. Am I wrong/right?

elvislover324
04-12-2013, 10:12 PM
Elvislover definitely sees the word "row" as a generally peaceful endeavor, except when the weather is bad, I guess. LOL. I, on the other hand, never thought about it being something that happened in a boat.


Sorry, never heard of it before.

berryblondeboys
04-12-2013, 10:17 PM
I took it that his wife agreed with his mother just to keep peace with her. Am I wrong/right?

See, that's where I would be mad. I would want support... not 'keeping peace'.

IanG
04-12-2013, 10:18 PM
I took it that his wife agreed with his mother just to keep peace with her. Am I wrong/right?

Yeah, they got on well together today (they sometimes don't). But I always seem to argue with my mom or in-laws whenever they visit, so there is a history of this type of thing as well which annoys my wife. The problem for me this time is that it's not just a silly thing but deeply personal.

Bottom line...live close but not too close to your family. I live so far away that they come and stay for weeks. But if you live too close, they'll always be around. If you live just the right distance away, you get to see them every now and again but they won't stay too long! Perfect.

berryblondeboys
04-12-2013, 10:36 PM
IanG = That is how it used to be for me. MIL would come for a MONTH. OMG... in our tiny apt. disrupting our schedule.

It was 'kinda' better when she lived in the same town, but not WITH us, but she had no boundaries. Would just walk right into our house without knocking. Would decide to come over without giving us a heads-up and then being all mad when we insisted she do that. "I'm not a stranger. I'm family." Like that matters?

Now she lives with us. She has her own spaces, but it is NOT EASY. And I hate it when I'm put in the middle (which sometimes happens). And, my MIL totally hates when I skip dinner. I don't skip the calories for the day, but I eat when my body says it wants to eat and many times that is all calories before 4 pm. It works for me, so why does it matter to her if I'm eating with them or not? I'll sit with them and talk with them and drink water, but she finds it highly offensive for some reason.

Which is REALLY ironic as she does that with people all the time - not eat when others are eating. So weird.

BreathingSpace
04-12-2013, 11:05 PM
You could just say you are sorry for how you reacted and say that you are a bit defensive of your lifestyle plan because it took a lot of courage to decide to do something about your health and you felt like you weren't getting support even though your plan obviously works (at least that's how I feel.)

This is also what I would suggest. Mothers... just say sh*t. And sometimes they don't realize how it affects us until we tell them.

The use of "row" for argument isn't that uncommon, I'm surprised people haven't heard it before.

lunarsongbird
04-12-2013, 11:08 PM
Bummer. I'm sorry to hear about this, Ian.
I don't know why people think it's SOOOO weird not to eat when you aren't hungry.

"I am NOT hungry. Why should I have to eat?"
Sometimes people are really supportive of the idea... "Oh yeah...that totally makes sense....but you have to eat breakfast. It kicks starts your metabolism."..or whatever other food/diet trivia they have stuck in their head

I'm very confident that if we listen to our bodies that they will take care of themselves. I'm sorry that your mom and wife weren't on board tonight. They should be wicked proud of the success you have already had!

I hate when my family is critical, especially since they are overweight and by no means experts in nutrition or weight loss.

ETA: Oh- and I've heard the word row before.

amandie
04-12-2013, 11:22 PM
You all might laugh but the Harry Potter movies (can't remember which one) is where I got the word row as another word for argument, lol.

BreathingSpace
04-12-2013, 11:35 PM
You all might laugh but the Harry Potter movies (can't remember which one) is where I got the word row as another word for argument, lol.

yeah, that's what I mean. I think there's enough infiltration of UK stuff to America that those terms would be common?

shcirerf
04-13-2013, 12:02 AM
It is, what it is, for whatever reason. ;)

There is an old saying, that says, "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your relatives!"

You know what you need to do for you!

It may take a bit of creative avoidance, or downright, I don't/will not do or eat, or will, walk/run/lift, but eventually if you stick to it, while they will still whine/complain, they will admire how far you have come!

My family does, although most of them would not admit it, if you held a gun to their heads!

SuperHeroTeacher
04-13-2013, 12:03 AM
I'm sorry that you don't have the support in your life you deserve on this journey. Your mom does have the right to her opinion about your life choices, she is your mom. However, it is your decision to handle your nutrition on your terms. The same could be said about your wife, although I know many would disagree - maybe this is why I'm not a very good spouse ;)

Kudos to you for abstaining from Chinese food - most of it is just crap! My thoughts are with you to stay strong for the kids' birthday celebration. Make the choices you know are good for you, but still have a good time :hat:

JohnP
04-13-2013, 03:41 AM
In my opinion, you should of course apologize for your outburst.

That said, it sounds like you and the wife need to get on the same page. That, in my opinion, is the real issue here.

sassyangies
04-13-2013, 04:06 AM
Awww sorry for what your going through. I agree with what another poster said. Your wife should be on your side not your Moms. Your doing great. Keep up the good work!!

novangel
04-13-2013, 10:20 AM
I've been an IF eater since before I knew there was a term for it. Most people don't know how/why I do it but it's just how I am. My Father is the same way. There was a time in my early 20's I only ate once a day around noon and had beer for dinner and I was 127p. I can't skip dinner anymore though but rarely eat breakfast.

jiffypop
04-13-2013, 10:21 AM
I had to pop over here to make sure you were OK, Ian, because I just saw your accidental post on the surgery forum.

Just want to offer a couple of thoughts in addition to the excellent ones already offered. First, it's always amazed me that people call us 'bullies' or 'stubborn,' or 'uncooperative' when we stand up for ourselves. It might [or might not] be appropriate for you to apologize for the WAY you handled the issue, but I hope you don't apologize for turning down Chinese takeout in the interests of your health and well being.

Which brings me to the second item. It's not possible to change our relationship with food without changing other relationships. OK. maybe not if a person has only a few pounds to lose. But when you're talking about MAJOR weight loss, the relationship with food MUST change and that has a lot of other effects on every aspect of our lives.

Major life change is never easy, and if those around us don't understand, it's more difficult. BUT NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

carl365
04-13-2013, 10:39 AM
I commend you for being strong! yes, I too find most of my associations with people is a negative experience when it comes to losing fat, they do not understand anything about the need to lose that dangerous and ugly fat. And, I believe some are jealous of your efforts.

Stay strong!

Roo2
04-13-2013, 11:01 AM
Food and parenting can be a touchy subject!:dizzy:

Speaking from a mother's prospective she is concerned about your health . She may not be aware of what is the best thing for you regarding your health, but I am sure she is only coming out of a spirit of love.

When Mother's have adult children ...they do not turn off their desire to nurture and love their children, if a mother did this kids would be complaining too!
Realize what a hard position as a mother she is in.....and cut her some slack!:hug:

Someday your children will be grown ....it is easy for people who do not have adult children to say what they would do....Later when faced with this!!

I believe the least an Adult child can do is show Respect to their parent! And when they are a houseguest ...that is about showing good manners !

I use or try to use the rule think 3 times and speak once!

As far as your wife goes ....she may have been trying to diffuse things! Cut her some slack!
From the outside looking in ,ganging up on an old lady and fighting verbally with a child ....even if you are right ....you will always be perceived as wrong.
I eat differently but I make a habit of not calling attention to it....and even if I am right....if you are a Houseguest I will give you a pass.
Always remember you have children watching....is this how you want them to deal with an uncomfortable situation.
Parents are not perfect .... We don't want people to hold us to that standard ....so give your mom a pass! Apologize for being Kurt... Ask for a do over....and move on! But address it and talk about your struggles with dieting in a grown up way. And give mom this conversation with it just being the two of you .....then move on!
We are blessed to have parents....we never know when things will change.
Ian this could be a pivotal time in your relationship and bring the two of you closer to understanding the others point of view.:hug:

You have been doing an Awesome job.... And by showing your mother the confidence in your decision for your weight loss she will learn to accept it more ...if not today...when she sees the results of all your hard work and effort.
Good Luck, family relationships are the most difficult relationships to navigate
Roo2.:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Seashell84
04-13-2013, 12:53 PM
I do think an apology is in order. I guess I am lucky because for the most part my mother has always just been the kind to say "This is how I feel about what you are doing but you do what you want" and just leaves it at that. That said, my mother-in-law is usually quite vocal and sometimes a little forceful about her opinions (although she means well). I personally just acknowledge her opinions, nod and smile, and then do what I want. I would sit down with your mom and (calmly and tactfully) try to explain your plan. What it is, why it works for you, and why it is healthy. I'm sure she is just concerned about you, I would try not to take it personally. I think when it comes to weight loss, we all need to learn to be as diplomatic as possible. Which is easier said than done. Also, in the future I would just say "I'm not hungry. I ate such and such earlier and I'm still full."

Also, I don't agree that his wife should have sided with him against his mother. She should be supportive in private, but neutral in front of this mother. Imho getting involved in arguments between your spouse and your in-laws is a bad baaad idea. It puts you in a very tricky situation.

The word "row" is the reason I read this thread. lol I read a lot of British literature (and tv shows). It is very British, I have never heard an American use it in that context. And for you Americans who have never heard it, it is pronounced differently than "row your boat."
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/row_4
vs
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/row_2

IanG
04-13-2013, 01:10 PM
Oooh. Lots of different opinions. Thanks.

I'll try to work it through.

Lecomtes
04-13-2013, 01:16 PM
Yay for English accents, I am always speaking to my twiblings in one...my three year old tells me to "Talk regular mom."...pshhh no way. ;)
I feel for you Ian, it can be frustrating when it seems a parent/spouse is more concerned about how you choose to lose weight than the myriad of health concerns involved with weighing 300+ pounds. I skip breakfast many days and my fiance acts like I'm anorexic or something. I eat 1500 calories every day. It probably just seems live starvation because 1500 cals looks quite a bit different than the 3500+ cals I was eating. I hope your mom, wife, and you come to an understanding...Good luck with the birthday party!

IanG
04-13-2013, 01:27 PM
Thanks Lecomtes. My mom has admitted that she has never had to diet (she is slim) so that is part of it. Plus I am just too defensive when it comes to justifying myself to family. Wife is still mad. Apparently they just wanted me to have a diet shake or something instead of not eating. But I don't drink diet shakes and I don't really want to start them. Weird, but things are slowly cooling off.

Ronja
04-13-2013, 01:53 PM
Well....sh*t happens. Sometimes the most diffiuclt part is to get on a same page with your family. But it worth the effort. Well, usually.

The part I find the most important here is the way you reacted. I'm just speaking from my personal experience when I say if an issue is touchy to me (like your IF obviously is to you), it means I have a problem somewhere there. Maybe I'm not sure with myself. Maybe I hurt for whatever reason. Only I know why, and it usually needs working out. Once I have worked it out, I become calm, sure with myself and my decisions, and I'm able to explain them in a way that is both polite and still leaves no place with discussion.

Because honestly, what's to discuss here.

Your mum: "I don't like that he starves himself".
Your wife: "Me neither".
You: "I understand you're worried about me. But I still get enough calories and all nutrition, and this is my way of losing the weight I really need to lose. If I notice any negative effects on my health, I will stop. But for now, it's working and I'm going to be one sexy son/husband when all this weight is off me."

Hopefully, everybody laughs here and goes to bed happily.

CIELOARGE
04-13-2013, 06:46 PM
I never explain what I am doing. If I am skipping something I just say is because "I don't feel good" or "it gives me heartburn at night"... They usually leave me alone.

Uninformative and short answers are the key ;)

berryblondeboys
04-13-2013, 07:27 PM
Thanks Lecomtes. My mom has admitted that she has never had to diet (she is slim) so that is part of it. Plus I am just too defensive when it comes to justifying myself to family. Wife is still mad. Apparently they just wanted me to have a diet shake or something instead of not eating. But I don't drink diet shakes and I don't really want to start them. Weird, but things are slowly cooling off.

Lesson to learn here too is to PLAN BETTER - all of you. Talk about where you will eat. When. etc. I can see that if it came as a surprise that you weren't eating, they might be like, "WTF, you agreed to come with us but didn't eat?" "Why not wait to eat?" Or, When could you eat so that you could join us?" etc.

That you all didn't appear to have discussed the plan before getting there is just an invitation for bad things to happen - wife, kids, mother, etc.

IanG
04-13-2013, 07:40 PM
I did give them a heads-up before they came that I was on a diet and would not be eating with them or eating something different. My mom seemed supportive initially. I just think it was a bit of a shock to see it in practice.

I have analysed my reaction a little bit more. Part of it is that my mom does get on at me sometimes for a lot of decisions I have made that have turned out to be perfectly sensible. So there was a bit of a reaction to that i.e. here we go again.

But the main reason was that they were eating Chinese food. I love Chinese food and was doing well to ignore the fact they were eating it but still conscious that they were and that I would have liked some too! So my reaction came a little bit from trying hard not to want the food and from what was actually said i.e. that I was starving myself.

I am also very sensitive to the fact that the few times I have tried to diet in the past, it has been comments from people close to me that have thrown me off e.g. the "you look gaunt" type of comment has wrecked me in the past: I binged following that one. So I know what can trip me up and am a bit knee-jerk as a result.

Hope it makes sense. Things seem a little calmer now.

IAmTheGlue
04-13-2013, 08:03 PM
I am glad things are calmer now. :)

I think for most people it is the comments from people closest to us that can throw us off our track. Hang in there!

Ronja
04-14-2013, 02:13 PM
It makes lot of sense what you're saying and I can see how the comments made you overreact.

Hope the rest of your mother's stay is calm and enjoyable for all of you. BTW how was the birthday party today? My twins are going to be 2 in June...already making big party plans (including healthy food)!

IanG
04-14-2013, 02:22 PM
Thanks. The birthday party was great. My twins have just turned 2 as well! You should have come.

We hired a place with bouncy inflatable toys which all the kids could jump around on. There was also a party room where everyone went afterwards to eat something (pizza, fruit, juice, vegetables, cake). We started at 10am and the whole thing was done by 12 noon.

We chose to hire somewhere off site to have less to clear up. We also kept the whole thing child-focused. I have been to kids' birthday parties recently which are just adult parties with kids coming along and they suck as essentially you end up having to follow the kids around all the time to make sure they do not hurt themsleves or break something.

The other good thing is that we started early and finished at a set time so everyone still got a Saturday afternoon.

So it went well.

Ronja
04-14-2013, 05:18 PM
HA! I should come next time. It's been way too long since I've been to UK!

Your party sounds really great and well thought! So very reasonable to keep everything focused at kids! I would like our party to be the same way, only it's going to be our garden + front yard...but, I have wonderful firends who will come over, enjoy the party, sleep over and help me clean everything afterwards, so it should be good. And if it's not, I'll burn some lovely calories cleaning the house and trying to put everything there it was before :)

elvislover324
04-14-2013, 05:32 PM
Sounds like the party was so fun!! And hiring it out if you can is always worth the cash!!

I'm glad things are calmer now. I guess the part I feel worst about for you is that this is happening in YOUR house! You are the king of your castle and you get to make the rules!! (Well, your wife does too but you know what I mean. :) )

My husband took his parents side against me once in front of them. After a long talk, it never happened again. That doesn't mean he and I never disagreed again, I just can't handle him ever against me in front of them!! (This was a major matter, not something trivial.) He and I can be opposites in opinion about anything, just not in front of certain people. And...his parents are ones who think his son is perfect about everything so nothing could ever be a normal opinion on their part. If he said the sky was red, they'd both see the red too! I pick and choose my battles but seriously, in our house, I will never ever be made to feel bad or that I made the wrong choice, esp. by any of our parents, anymore. We are adults and we can literally do whatever we want without their knowledge and/or opinion!

Sorry, got a little worked up there about my own situation!! Just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I feel bad you even had to deal with this. And you have a couple of weeks left with company. I hope it's better from here!

joefla70
04-14-2013, 05:56 PM
Did you not explain you have beer for dinner?

Beer is food! http://beeradvocate.com/articles/519

elvislover324
04-14-2013, 06:21 PM
Did you not explain you have beer for dinner?

Beer is food! http://beeradvocate.com/articles/519

That was awesome!! I just read 3/4ths of it to my husband, I think I just created a monster!!

ladykahlo
04-14-2013, 06:27 PM
I am very sorry your mother doesn't seem supportive of you and that your wife is also on her side in this matter. It can be hard to do this on your own but I'm glad you found this community. We are all struggling with this and it helps to hear about your struggles as well because it makes our struggles do-able. You have made progress towards a healthier you and that is fantastic.