40-Somethings - MIA & Struggling Internally--long. SORRY!!




MrsTryingAgain
03-27-2013, 04:59 PM
I've been basically soooo off-course that I'm frustrated. But I'm working on that. I've been struggling with a delima. Any advice is appreciated, because I just don't know any more!

Little background: I grew up with a cousin. She was the younger sister I never had. We grew up together, went our seperate ways as young adults & then reunited when her dad became terminally ill. I helped her through that time, little knowing she'd do the same for me a year later. We were nearly insperable for several years...about 10 of them.

Then things changed....
1. She got new friends. Friends who I believe are users. I know that they are not nice at all. They always belittled me & ESPECIALLY H. In my book, that is a deal breaker. She not only didn't help the situation, she actually became part of the belittling. :(
2. She wanted H to work for him. Promised him wages & gas money (we live nearly 30 miles away). That lasted all about 3 weeks. Pretty soon H was rebuilding fences all day for about $25, out which came gas money. Gas money that he had to use to run to the hardware store FOR THEM. So he actually only got paid maybe $5 IF that for a full day's hard work.
3. She'd BEG us to come down for a visit. Any of the following, sometimes all of them would happen: She'd show up about 45 to 120 mins. late without a phone call. She'd have "unexpected visitors" show up. She'd spend all of her time either on her cell phone calling, texting or playing games. She'd have work planned that she didn't mention before-hand, when we were expecting to just visit, play games, watch movies, etc.
4. I'd call her, e-mail her & IM her. She'd never, ever return my calls/messages. Yet she'd get upset if I didn't call her back in 24 hours of leaving a message for me. But yet when we'd visit she'd return numerous calls & messages. She'd spend at least 30 mins. doing just that.
5. If there was a party/get-together H & I were ALWAYS the ones to take care of the grilling (H is a heckova bar-b-quer!!), & making of side dishes. We'd be left at the grill or in the kitchen, not ever a part of the activities. This gets old really quick! To be at a party, but never be able to enjoy it. :(

Course I blame myself. I should have put my foot down loooong ago!!! Winter of 2011....H had been down working at her place. On his way home, he struck a tree branch that fell right in front of the truck. He was lucky that all it did was rip out the sidewall of the tire, it really should have caused him to hit a tree!
My cousin said she'd help him. Well, one of her (user looser) friends said not to worry about it, HE'D HELP H. H made arrangements with him to meet at 10AM. 10AM came & went, no "friend". H called & called, no answer. Finally he did get ahold of him at noon. He said he'd meet H in 30 mins. **Realize I'm a work, not knowing this is going on!!!** Again, NO SHOW!!
He finally shows up at 2:30PM!! He has been partying!! He is in no shape to drive, so he is having yet another friend (who H doesn't know) who is sober driving! (YEAH! He didn't show up because he was partying!!! :mad:)Remember this is winter, it's cold & gets dark early. H finally gets the spare tire, jack & everything he needs to the truck at about 3:30PM. Neither one of them lifts a friggin' finger to get the tire on quickly or safely...H would have soooo helped them! They sit warm & comfy in the friend's car, not even holding a flashlight when it got dark As soon as the tire was on, THEY LEFT!!! They didn't make sure he made it safely into town!
As H was putting the flat tire, jack & everything else back in the truck a Sherriff's officer came by. HE CHECKED ON H's SAFETY! HE FOLLOWED H INTO TOWN! The friend of my cousin? He went back to partying!

This all being said...I haven't spoken to her in almost a year. Last spring, she left a really nasty message on my phone about how H wasn't doing his job. I called her back, left a calm but firm message letting her know that his tools would be picked up within a couple of days & she could find another "handyman".
We did just that! Got his tools, cleaned up anything we left behind, secured the shop & never returned. I haven't heard from her since that message.

Present day: I get an e-mail from her 4 days ago. She misses us! She doesn't understand what went wrong?!!! She wants things back the way they were. HUH??? :?:
I honestly don't think I can! :( She & her friends belittled me & my hubby. She treated us like very lowly servants or worse. I want friends & family, but not ones who are toxic to our well-being!

In all honesty, I think she wants us back, so we can do work for her again!! Her mom is battling with some back injury that will require surgery. I feel for her (my aunt), but since H just had a pacemaker put in & is under a drs. care he CANNOT do heavy physical labor for quite some time. That leaves just me. I really feel like saying, "Sorry. I know what you are wanting. No can do. Your mom is NOT the only one with health issues." **I haven't told anyone but my mom that H has been in the hospital, has a pacemaker & all the rest. If they can't be there for me in the everyday, why bother them with it?** (she may know, but she hasn't let on that she does)
Am I wrong? I feel she burned her bridge with me when she allowed her friends to treat the 2 of us (to be blunt) like cr@p!!! And became just like them!! Again, my fault cause I let it slide instead of holding him & HER accountable, but I didn't want to create hard feelings. I'd never allow my friends or family to treat ANYONE I care about like she has allowed her friends to!! It's pathetic!!!


greengirl536
03-27-2013, 05:20 PM
There is no reason you need to even reply to the email. People who really want to be in your life will go miles above this in the effort.

Just pretend like it never even happened and put it out of your mind. It's no different than an ex who mistreated you and now wants to get back together. Any contact will just muddy the water.

If she ever has a real change of heart she will demonstrate that by coming to you hat in hand with an offer of apology. Anything short of that is not enough and dealing with her now just spoils your happy memories of the past.

If the rest of your family asks about it just say you came to a parting of the ways and it's sad but you don't know if that will ever change. Then bring up another topic.

Remember she is the one who created hard feelings, not you.

NEMom
03-27-2013, 05:50 PM
I ditto Greengirl's comments. Just ignore the email. Do not respond to her because honestly, it does not sound like she deserves your response. If she does not realize that her own actions and those of her friends were inappropriate, than she does not deserve a moment of your time.
I think, in my case at least, the older I get the less I am willing to give in to please other people and spare their feelings. Life is too short to allow ourselves to be treated badly by other people (family and friends) and to deal with their drama.
You have your plate full enough taking care of hubby and yourself. As hard as it is, do not open the door a crack in this relationship because she will just try using you and hubby again.
IF, IF you have feelings that you need to express, to get them off your chest and make your position known, than go ahead and email her back for just this reason, however, do not continue and email war - make sense? Sometimes, we let these things eat at us and if we are able to just get it off our chest than we feel better at least.
Hugs to you and best of luck in whatever you choose to do!!!


MrsTryingAgain
03-27-2013, 09:55 PM
Thanks! I needed to hear that. H was telling me this afternoon on our walk in the park to also let it go. That is she didn't respond last spring, when we took everything of ours off the farm. She didn't respond when I deleted her out of my friends list on Facebook in Sept. That she waited a year, then what happened DID NOT MATTER to her.
I guess it bugs me because I don't talk to anyone in my family but my mom. My whole circle is very, very tiny (non-exsistant?). But NEMom hit the nail on the head. I DO NOT want or need drama. I've never been a fan of it, I don't even watch it on tv!!
Lastly, toxicity is not welcomed. Why would I set my hubby & myself up to be belittled, made fun of & used? We have a choice...the choice is no thank you. For H's health & my sanity come first!

Magicsusan
03-27-2013, 11:47 PM
So, basically, she takes up contact whenever she wants/needs something? Sounds like you've been more than generous. I'm sorry this has happened, but it's pretty clear that even if you do take pity on her situation, she will take it all for granted. Stay strong and stand up for yourself and DH. If she presses you for communication, remember that her view is distorted and no amount of explaining or incident listing is likely to make her see she's being unfair.

:hug:

Good lick with it, MrsTA!

firegirl441
03-28-2013, 12:38 AM
I have a slightly different opinion on the matter at hand. My brother and his family have been very cruel to me since I divorced my first husband because they "thought" I was running around on him. They even turned one of my kids against me and he has not spoken to me in over 5 years. #1- I wasn't running around on him and as an old saying goes, "the proof was in the pudding." I worked all the time and brought home a much more substantial paycheck than him for my efforts, and #2- it wasn't any of their business anyway. They had no idea of the seriousness of his alcoholism and what went on in our home. This all came out when he went to work at his state job and was so intoxicated they blood alcohol tested him and then fired him. To this day, none of my brother's family or my son have spoken to me. Oh mercy, I can't even begin to explain the pain I have experienced, but if any one of them contacted me, I would still contact them back to see what they wanted to say. If they were still being ugly and didn't want to resume a healthy family relationship, at that point, I would explain to them that I will not have drama in my life and until they come back with open, loving arms, they didn't need to contact me anymore. Just my .02 cents worth,

Moondance
03-28-2013, 11:39 AM
I think NEMom said it quite well. I do want to address another part of this and that is the supportive history you two shared. I've been in a similar situation with supporting a friend during a loss (a spouse in my friends case) and she in turn was there for me during my dad's passing. I firmly believe that people come and go in our lives (and us in others) when they can serve a "purpose". I don't mean being a user, but when each person mutually benefits from the contact. Sometimes these people are meant to stay in each others lives for a limited time, others longer, and a few, for a lifetime.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you can acknowledge the closeness and importance you played in each others lives then, but that you've both moved on and that its ok. I wouldn't allow the drama back in either and would feel no guilt for saying no. I hope you don't either.

Letting go like that can be difficult. I wish you peace in whatever decision you make. :hug: