Like a lot of people, I've been overweight for most of my life and so male attention was not something I dealt with on a regular basis. It seems like whenever I get down to the weight I'm at now, guys start hitting on me, and not always in a tasteful manner.
A few weeks ago I started as a server at a restaurant, and being new, I'm trying to be nice and friendly to everyone. I don't understand why men take that as an invitation to be creeps. I was talking to one of the dishwashers one night, then he started calling me cutie. Fine, until he had the audacity to ask me what I was going to do with all that junk inside my trunk. I responded by asking him if he seriously just asked me that. Not in an overly-aggressive manner, but I think enough to let him know it was uncalled for.
I have always had guy friends and it never really got awkward with any of them until recently. I went to dinner with one of my guy friends last week because he was going through a break-up with a mutual friend of ours, and seemed pretty upset by it. Of course, though, he needs to bring up "why haven't we got together?" After finishing his margarita, he made some tasteless comments about my butt. I stopped talking to another male friend altogether because it was clear he had feelings for me, and they were not mutual, but instead of accepting that, he would get mad at me for not wanting to be his girlfriend. I guess he thought since we had a good time hanging out, we should take it to the next level.
These are just some examples, and I'm not sure how to deal with this sort of thing. While I suppose in a way, I find it flattering, most of it just makes me uncomfortable. Unlike girls who have dealt with it their whole lives and have learned how to deliver rejection, I don't think I'm so good at it. I even wonder if on some subconscious level, I have stayed overweight because it's easier just to not be noticed.
In a restaurant environment, it's inevitable to a degree. Is this your first job in a restaurant? As a 10+ year veteran, I have to say in my experience it is part of the culture, so to speak. That doesn't mean you should put up with comments that make you uncomfortable, but I think a lot of it is just the way people working together in such a hot, sweaty, fast paced, high pressure environment relate to one another to get through the shift.
I have always been a server or bartender, and I would put up with a certain amount of banter for fear of alienating those that I needed help from. I need the bus boy to like me so my tables turn faster, I need the dish washer to like me so I don't run out of wine glasses or beer mugs.
My approach is to smile and nod to harmless stuff, then put on a serious face like a mom scolding a small child, shake my finger and say "Uh-uh" when they cross the line. Simple, but it has always worked for me. They usually appogize when I make me next loop around. With the ones that just keep on and on, tell your manager - that's why they are there. You do not deserve a hostile work environment.
I work in a different industry now that is extremely male dominated, and I receive a lot of attention from my clients. I use it to my advantage for the most part. I have been lucky and haven't received any over the line remarks or touches. I play the part of naive and sweet, and I act like I don't pick up on their overtures. I am married, and they know this and I wear a ring, so pretending like I just don't get it at all that they are hitting on me is enough.
For your friend who is going through a break up, I would make it clear you have no interest in being his rebound chick. That's just not cool and he should be ashamed, especially considering his ex is a friend of yours, too.
Great post. I think that one thing may take the happiness out of losing weight.
Listen, you don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable, and tacky is tacky and comments that are inappropriate should not be tolerated. Men who act like pigs - and I apologize to our 4-legged friends here - need to get some manners. One interesting thing I saw in your post is that you refer to your actions as '...not in an overly aggressive manner...' Isn't it interesting that we women, even when establishing our God-given personal boundaries, are so concerned about hurting the feelings of someone being rude and inappropriate and disrespectful to us.
Yeah, on some level it may be 'flattering' to receive the same rude behavior from men as do our slimmer sisters, but on a grown-up level once we get over that part of it, it's just rude crap. And telling someone that you don't appreciate rude crap, or are not interested in going out isn't so much a 'rejection' in the full drama sense of the word. It's just saying no. Which is fine. Just say 'no' or 'no thanks'. And don't give it another thought.
Sometimes once we've taken control of our health/bodies, we start to learn how much power we've been giving away - I know I have It's amazing to me how much I used food to 'speak' for myself. Listen, it's soooo much better to feel good and to be healthy, well worth the price of learning how to speak up for ourselves. It's really not so difficult, and not that big a deal except that we're not used to it.
It's like you read my mind! I was going to post something like this earlier this week.
I too am now getting male attention. They are commenting a lot on my shape:
And trying to come up with reasons to touch me. Ugh. I thought a wedding ring would deter the attention. Not so much. I work at a university, so it's mostly adult students. I've been trying to be polite and ask them not to touch me. I also comment that my husband is the only one allowed to make comments about my body.
I still have have like 70 pounds to go- and if it's this bad now. What's going to happen when I'm nearing goal?
BUT...part of me wonders if it will actually get better...because at this weight- I think nearly EVERY man thinks I'm SUPER attainable, because I'm still overweight. Like I MUST have esteem issues or something- and I'm obviously in their league at this point. Maybe in 50 pounds they will think I'm out of their league? I don't know.
I'm just hoping it gets better.
Last edited by lunarsongbird; 03-24-2013 at 06:22 PM.
You do look great Lunar!, Exhale and LJ too... I have a feeling its the air of confidence too. People are drawn to people who are comfident and they want some of that as they LACK it But most men (won't say all) are attracted to shapely women and you are that 100 x's over!
Last edited by wannaskipandlaugh; 03-24-2013 at 06:34 PM.
Its awful isn't it? I very much feel like I'm in the 'that chick will be easy because she is fat' whenever I am approached by men. I have to say though it hasn't happened enough for me to know quite how to deal with it. But this kind of attention can make me feel tense and on edge when I go out which makes me really sad. I think I need to learn to relax a little but I also really wish that a no would be taken as a no. Sigh.
One thing I do find empowering is posting way over the line stuff on everydaysexism . com (can't post as a link as I don't have enough posts) and reading that I am (perhaps unfortunately) not alone in these experiences.
LJ- I've worked in restaurants for many years now, so I'm more than aware of the shenanigans within. This, I guess, was different because I don't know this guy at all. I know after working at a place for a while, you learn and know more than you care to about a lot of your co-workers so maybe it's different because of that relationship. This was the 2nd time I worked with the guy, so I think it was uncalled for. I usually play innocent, like I don't know what they are talking about, but I suppose this was pretty obvious so I decided to squelch that, before he thought it was acceptable.
angelicus- Sometimes, I feel the same way about guys thinking I might be easy because I'm fat. I think it's actually made me react in an opposite way, which is its own issue.
Dealing with unwanted male attention
It's amazing to me how much I used food to 'speak' for myself. Listen, it's soooo much better to feel good and to be healthy, well worth the price of learning how to speak up for ourselves. It's really not so difficult, and not that big a deal except that we're not used to it.
But most men (won't say all) are attracted to shapely women and you are that 100 x's over!
