I give toxic people too much thought and precious energy.
I wish I had the ability to just let the moronic things my son's father says just roll off, and I admire the people that are able to do so.
What do I do? Stew for days. I know it's not healthy but every harsh word he says cuts so deep after 5 years of a horrible marriage; 6 years divorced and he gives me grief. All drama should be loooong over with. Why do I listen sometimes? I don't know. There's times I just hang up and other times I engage because I feel the need to defend myself especially when he starts critiquing my parenting when he hasn't exactly been father of the year...or a father ever up until a few months ago. Who is he to question ME when he's been out of the picture for most of the 10 years of our son's life?? Maybe I have too much pride and I need to quit feeling the need to validate myself to him. Maybe he has his own guilt and trys to spin it on me. Who the h*ll knows...
There's so much back story I wouldn't even know where to begin. Right now I have to figure out how to diffuse our communication...as far as I am concerned we don't need to talk anymore unless it's absolutley necessary. I tried being "friends" for our son's sake and it's not working. One day he's super nice and the next he's screaming. I'm tired of walking on egg shells. When he calls to talk to our son I hand the cell directly to talk to him but after a few minutes he ALWAYS asks to talk to me, if I say "I don't want to talk to him right now" he blows up at our son demanding that I talk to him. I feel bullied into talking to him to spare my son from being yelled at. He's trying to control us. I may have to contact my attorney to have a letter sent. I really didn't want things to come to this but asking him over and over to stop doesn't work. He has no boundaries and his social skills are poor.
We have joint custody but I have physical. He gets him every other weekend but now that's a problem for him. He had no problem not seeing him for years though.
BTW, What is he so mad about you ask? The state is taking away his federal tax return because he owes $4,700 in back support. And this is my problem because????
Sorry you're going through this and especially sorry for your son who must feel caught in the middle. But, toxic people get to me, too -- mainly because they don't play fair and nothing that befalls them is ever their fault. Emotionally, they never grew up. I hope this situation improves for you even if it means taking legal action. And any man who would be angry over having his tax refund confiscated because he was that far behind on child support payments isn't really much of a man.
Ugh! I would take the phone from your son when your ex demands to speak to you, and simply say "Goodbye." Don't let him verbally abuse you
And if you feel you need help to get him to stop, then by all means, use the attorney! He sounds like that is what it will take. Also, I recommend that ANY communication besides phone calls to your son take place through the attorney. Take away his ability to bully you.
When you say he's not happy with getting your son every other weekend, does that mean he wants to see him more now, or less? Eta: With his poor boundaries, I think any changes in custody arrangements should be set in stone by a new drawing-up by the courts.
Good luck. I know several women in the same situation who struggle with trying to be calm and friendly with moody, selfish ex-husbands. They now document all abuses and communicate through writing any changes needed, through their attorneys.
Last edited by BerkshireGrl; 03-03-2013 at 01:46 PM.
How old is your son?
Does he bully him the same way when they are alone? You might want to think about recording some of that and rethinking visitation if there's abuse going on.
How old is your son?
Does he bully him the same way when they are alone? You might want to think about recording some of that and rethinking visitation if there's abuse going on.
Verbal abuse is still abuse.
Totally agree with that. I saw plenty of that when I was doing some family law stuff in law school, and it's so hard on the kids. If he's being awful to your son, you could have the custody/visitation agreement revisited by a judge. They will always try to do what's in the child's best interest.
I'm sorry you have trouble with that toxic relationship, btw. I have a really hard time getting along with my future sister in law and am trying to be strong and not get my feelings hurt as often, but it is so hard. I can really sympathize with you!
Our son is 10 and he wants to see his Dad. If he didn't want to go back he would tell me and I would be in court. I always ask my son questions when he gets home just to make sure.
If there was any abuse going on; verbal or otherwise I'd be in jail. I give in to his phone calls to spare my son from getting caught in crossfire that's meant for me but I'm no sissy. I have just been trying to diffuse things on my own without having to get attorneys involved because that costs money. He's actually very protective of our son and I trust him 100% with him but he's an *** to me plain and simple.
I just wish I could learn to let everything roll off. Some of this is my own fault because I don't always immediately disengage. I sometimes fall into the trap.
He wants more visitation, not less. That's something that needs to be worked out with an attorney.
I have the email to the attorney typed out. I'm giving my ex one more chance to reel himself in.
When he calls to talk to our son I hand the cell directly to talk to him but after a few minutes he ALWAYS asks to talk to me, if I say "I don't want to talk to him right now" he blows up at our son demanding that I talk to him.
Have you ever pointed out to him that this is verbal abuse? And that it kind of makes him something of a deadbeat Dad? At least it does IMO...
If you must take the phone to spare your son the verbal onslaught, as soon as he starts tell him that if he doesn't cease the toxic bull, you'll begin hanging up on him. And follow through. As soon as he starts running his ugly mouth, just hang up. Do it knowing it will probably infuriate him and just laugh to yourself. Eventually, hopefully, he'll stop because you are no longer giving him the satisfaction of continuing to fight.
Unless, of course, like bubbly said, you can settle things peacefully. If not, just hang up the phone, you don't need to hear that kind of crap.
Our son is 10 and he wants to see his Dad. If he didn't want to go back he would tell me and I would be in court. I always ask my son questions when he gets home just to make sure.
If there was any abuse going on; verbal or otherwise I'd be in jail. I give in to his phone calls to spare my son from getting caught in crossfire that's meant for me but I'm no sissy. I have just been trying to diffuse things on my own without having to get attorneys involved because that costs money. He's actually very protective of our son and I trust him 100% with him but he's an *** to me plain and simple.
I just wish I could learn to let everything roll off. Some of this is my own fault because I don't always immediately disengage. I sometimes fall into the trap.
He wants more visitation, not less. That's something that needs to be worked out with an attorney.
I have the email to the attorney typed out. I'm giving my ex one more chance to reel himself in.
I am VERY relieved to hear he's not abusive with your son. It sounds like you are a really fantastic mom, as well. Is there any chance you can just ask him for a cease fire? Or perhaps start journaling about the stuff he does that frustrates you? (This could have the added benefit of being useful for your attorney should you ever have issues with your son's dad... Courts love documentation.)
Keep in mind I wrote my first post in the moment of frustration so it sounds a little more dramatic. This is not a daily thing (thank god) but it's something that bothers me and will be addressed if it continues.
Is there any chance you can just ask him for a cease fire?
I have tried but I need to practice what I preach. I need to learn to just hang up 100% of the time because once I engage I'm no better. Just being honest with myself.
I feel bullied into talking to him[/b] to spare my son from being yelled at. He's trying to control us. I may have to contact my attorney to have a letter sent. I really didn't want things to come to this but asking him over and over to stop doesn't work. He has no boundaries and his social skills are poor.
Yup, that's the thing about bullies. You have to have CRYSTAL CLEAR boundaries with absolutely no negotiation and no engagement. It's a constant battle because they will try to back you into a corner every single chance they get.
I would say the first step is to really be true to yourself and don't engage. I mean, don't beat yourself up if you slip up, but try your best to adhere 100% strictly to not engaging.
If after you are 100% satisfied that you are doing your part to not engage and it's still out of hand, you may have to consider that letter from your attorney.
Bullies don't respect your boundaries until you pull out all the stops sometimes, unfortunately.
If I were you, I would just hang up when he asks to speak to me. It obviously is really messing with you and upsetting you. Save yourself his negativity and hang up.
Make sure though you log every date, time, and duration he speaks to your son. Have your son initial beside it as well. That way he can't say you are refusing to let him speak to his son. Heck, even have your son hold the current day's newpaper in his hand and snap a picture.
Good luck and I'm like you. I stew in the negativity and it just festers. It is terrible, and I have no advice on how to deal with that, or just "get over it."
So I just picked up my son, he wanted to make some small talk so I tried being nice and then OF COURSE during a conversation about food (he's suddenly a nutrition expert ) he couldn't resist and threw in a passive aggressive comment about how "I never cooked when we were married"...100% untrue. See where being nice and engaging in convo got me? I never learn.
I don't know why he keeps bringing up "when we were married" subjects. If I was so crappy then don't talk about it, right?.
One thing I really loathe about myself
Eventually, hopefully, he'll stop because you are no longer giving him the satisfaction of continuing to fight.
