100 lb. Club - Depressed and crawling back.

View Full Version : Depressed and crawling back.

02-17-2013, 03:01 AM
I've done this before. After giving up this battle against my body, I've tried three times now to come back to 3FC. To the one place that really helped me lose 40 pounds so easily I can hardly grasp the concept now. I've even tried making a new account so I wouldn't be so ashamed of myself for gaining so much back after getting down to the 220s, but hiding the massive weight gain from the internet didn't hide it from myself.

So, here I am. Again. Worse off than I've ever been before. Almost 20 lbs higher than my previous highest weight. I saw 280 on the scale today, and I just feel like dying right now. Not in a real way. Just in a "please, just let me lay in bed for 5 days straight so I can pretend I don't exist" kind of way. I know this is extremely melodramatic on an intellectual level....but, on an emotional level, I am so far gone. I don't even know where to start anymore. I know quite a few of us have been in this mind space before, so I don't feel as crazy as I probably should for admitting it.

Anyways, this is me coming back. Not just because I want to anymore...because I need to. I've always been a bigger girl, but I don't even recognize my body anymore, and I feel like I am literally killing myself at this point. I can't keep giving up after my first major set back, or let life get in the way again. Someone please kick me in the face next time I try to leave? Ha.

Sorry for the downer thread, I'm just in a really bad place right now. What have I done to myself? :cry:

02-17-2013, 04:15 AM
Hello Ophelia!

We are here for you and most of us have been in that exact same place before- I know I have!

We are all about progress here and today you took a step in the right direction!

I don't know if it will help but it took me losing 30 and gaining it back to start the journey I'm on now- 65 lbs down as of this morning.

Welcome back :)

02-17-2013, 07:26 AM
I am so glad you've posted and have come back to 3fc. We have ALL gone through this. If losing weight and keeping it off for a lifetime was easy... we wouldn't need 3fc. Folks here aren't going to judge you in a negative way. Please, you must forgive yourself. I know it's not easy - but, please try.

So now you want to try again. You've done it before. You CAN do it again. Plan, plan and plan some more.

So glad you took the step to post again.

the shiv
02-17-2013, 07:38 AM
Hey, welcome back :) It's completely normal not to nail it first time, and it's a great decision you've made coming back!

I can't begin to tell you the number of diets I went on, losing weight and gaining it all back, plus more... Just try to be gentle with yourself right now and think about what DIDN'T work before. Be honest! If you want something sustainable, you've got to not hate it (I'm sure you know this, I just didn't think it was important before... used to believe I could shoehorn myself into any old diet and it'd work - so not true!).

And, you may want to crawl into a hole and hide right now, but you don't have to do that here! We've been there before. So, love your body! (I swear this isn't as cheesy as it sounds... :) ). Your body is a remarkable thing! It will still respond to you putting different food in it, and doing different exercise! Why not try a week or two on some different plans to decide which one's for you - permanently? And if you're starting to not like one, just swap?

Either way, *hugs* and welcome back :)

02-17-2013, 08:54 AM
Ophelia, welcome back and congratulations on taking charge of your health.

Misti in Seattle
02-17-2013, 09:15 AM
Hello and welcome back. Been there, done that so I certainly understand.

Sounds like you need a hug rather than a kick so, at least for now

:hug: :hug:

02-17-2013, 09:49 AM
I think we should all be afforded a little melodrama in life, especially if it can help us laugh instead of cry.

You are not so far gone or you wouldn't be trying again. You're back so "High Five" for that.

Good luck!

02-17-2013, 11:58 AM
Ophelia, I don't know if I can add much to what has already been said. I have been where you are...many times. All I can say is that this time when I committed to losing weight, I started with a program but slowly modified it to fit my lifestyle, my needs; it has totally changed into a different program! So far, I am succeeding. You must find what works for you and your needs.

You came back here for a reason...support. We are all behind you and are sending positive energy your way.

:hug: :hug:

You are going to succeed this time!!!! Even if you slip, use it as a learning experience and never, ever, ever give up!!!

02-17-2013, 02:19 PM
Welcome Back!

Life is so challenging sometimes (Read: sucks horribly, unfair and understandable). Other then bummed about your weight...How are you feeling? I know this is going to make me sound like a stalker (but 3FC makes it easy to look up old posts), but I hope it comes across more kind and caring then creepy...How was 2012? Do you think you were able to work through some of the grief of your dad passing? I think think that would throw a wrench into anyone's plans.

Is part of the reason you feel 2013 will be different is because your dad would want to see you healthy and strong?

I'm sorry if I've brought up some painful emotions, but I think it's hard to move forward when emotions aren't examined.

I hope we see you around a lot this year! If there is one thing I can do for myself- it's to check in here. Even if I feel like I'm off track and spiraling out of control...I can at least check in here. And I know these ladies will do everything they can to keep me from slipping all the way down the hill, you know?

02-17-2013, 02:53 PM
Welcome back. Such an excellent support source here. Keep your head up and pushing forward.

02-17-2013, 03:15 PM
Welcome back and good luck on your journey!

April Snow
02-17-2013, 03:19 PM
I am so glad you are back and please know that you are not alone. I am also recently back after a long absence and know that yes, not telling the internet I was gaining back all I had lost didn't mean it wasn't happening.

I know the regret and guilt and frustration. But you won't get there unless you try, and you are back, trying. And that's a lot.

02-17-2013, 03:24 PM
Been there, done that. Totally. Welcome back!!

02-17-2013, 04:40 PM

A big hug for you, Opheliaphoenix. That's a good name for someone who needs to rise out of the ashes! And as so many others have said, most of us have been there!

02-17-2013, 05:02 PM
Hug :)

We're here for you. Watch the lbs melt away before you even know it.

Need book recommendations to help you feel better/get your mind off things (pleasure reading not diet) let me know!

02-17-2013, 05:25 PM
I've been there too . . . spent a good chunk of my life between 250-275, managing to get down to the 220's twice before returning to what felt inevitable.

Then life happened; lost both of my parents, struggled with a boyfriend that wasn't right for me, all while battling with depression, anxieties, and really bad self-esteem. :( And I ballooned all the way up to 360! :o

Thankfully I had a wake-up call and pushed myself to get on track, hoping at the very least to make it back down to 250. It's taken a lot of time and determination, but I finally made it somewhere below 250 before more life got in the way. I went through my only significant regain (over 25 pounds), but got myself back on track early last year, only recently making it down to the 220's for the third time in my life. I've got about one more pound until I'm at my lowest weight ever . . .

Most of us have been through this; it's just a matter of getting back up and trying again. You can do this! :hug: And we're here for you. :)

02-17-2013, 07:38 PM
I can echo what everyone has said here. WELCOME BACK! It is such a journey. I, too, saw 280 on the scale and I felt so dejected. What was worse, my body was starting to tell me "we have HAD it with you!!" It was a real wake-up call - huffing and puffing from the car to the office, not wanting to go to work because none of my clothes fit (even the fat clothes). It took a bit of a health crisis to get me started again.

That said, we are all here to support each other. Learn from each lapse and MOVE ON! Post again soon.

02-23-2013, 10:09 PM
First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone. :grouphug:

You are all so kind. One of my favorite things about this place is how non-judgmental people here really can be. I am starting to feel that familiar "fire in the belly" passionate feeling I got the last time I actually started losing weight while I was here, so I have higher hopes this time around. Along with your words, I am hoping that this will give me the confidence to go full force back into a healthier life. Looking at the tickers, you guys are all doing amazing...gives me hope! :)


@Underwater: Congrats on the 65 pounds, that is awesome! I can't wait to be back in "onederland", as well...inspiring!

@lunarsongbird: No, I don't think that's creepy at all...don't worry. And, I still miss him every day. So much. As for working through it, 2012 wasn't a good time for me. He hadn't been living the healthiest lifestyle before he passed away, and I think about the almost 50 lbs I've gained since his heart attack, and I just think about how guilty and ashamed I am that I let myself go as much as I have since then. Especially in light of his own health issues and feeling like I am dishonoring him by making the same mistakes. I think this has, ironically, fueled more weight gain than a willpower to lose...so I've been trying to let go of that. I wish I could have channeled those emotions in a more inspiring way, and I'm hoping to start doing just that. I agree that that is what he would want for me, without a doubt. I think maybe I will sit down with myself tonight and have it all out and try to redirect that guilt into a healthier emotion. I have a lot of work to do this year, both outside and inside.

@Elladorine: I feel your story, as well...I feel like we both had a seat on the same rollercoaster. I am so happy that you are getting off of that track, and I find your fresh start truly inspiring. You are doing great, and I look forward to joining you in victory this year.

@MissKoo: That's where I am now. Feeling dejected and like a prisoner in this body. I am definitely in a health crisis! Like I said before, I've always been a heavier girl, but this is the first time where my health and weight is actually scaring me. It's now affecting every aspect of my life, and that has to change. I'm happy to see how well you're doing now, as well!

02-24-2013, 04:24 AM
Welcome back! I just came back a few days ago myself - same basic story.

Hey we can't go back in time but we can do better going forward! You can do it. :)

02-24-2013, 07:13 AM

1) You were able to catch yourself before it got worse instead of continuing to ignore it.

2) You know how to do this! You've been successful before so your body will respond.

3) You've got us cheering you on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Welcome back, I was too scared to weigh myself when I started. After 3 months of successful dieting, I weighed in at 284. God only knows how much I weighed when I actually started (I'm sure it was over 300!). I also lost about 50 pounds about 10 years before I re-started and gained it all back plus more. It happens, you are in control, and you will beat this!!!!!!

Cheering you on to goal :) :) :)

divine miss R
02-24-2013, 08:46 AM
Welcome back. Depression is an ugly beast to have to work through. You can do this--you've come back and you're getting your fire back. Just take it one day, one meal at a time, and you'll get to where you want to be.

02-24-2013, 01:14 PM
Welcome back. Don't be embarrassed. I am in the same boat...multiple times! I was the same way though, thinking it was just an example of my failure. Then I realized if I didn't do something about it, that was a failure too. You did the right thing. Having a good support system is vital to success, and here you are among people who have been where you are and going through the same thing. No matter how supportive my friends and family are, I can't talk to them about my weight loss as much as I can here because they aren't going through it. They don't really understand.

You know you can do this because you've done it before, and I believe in you.

traci in training
02-24-2013, 01:53 PM
I think we've all been in your situation and we're all fighting the same fight. Such a great start- you're back here!

Somebody's signature here is something like one year from now I'll be so glad I started today.

So here we go! :)

02-24-2013, 03:26 PM
Welcome back. Obviously, you're in good company! We've all had a "few" setbacks before finding our way. I just realized that I've set a lot of my weight mini-goals based on where I was when I had my bouts of extreme weight gain. My first goal is to lose the 50 pounds I have gained since moving cross country. Then to get down to where I was the last time I lost weight (and obviously regained it). Then to get down to where I was when my mother remarried after my dad died. Then to get down to.......ok. You get the drift. And there's nothing wrong with spending a day or so veggie out. We don't do nearly enough to take care of our spirits in today's over worked, over scheduled, over everything world.

Dona Quixote 2013
02-24-2013, 03:41 PM
Welcome back, Opheliaphoenix. I and many others have been where you are. Don't beat yourself up, it isn't necessary and it isn't helpful. You recognized the problem and you did something about it. Like someone else said, this isn't easy, and it isn't surprising that we make mistakes and have to recalibrate and start again. We're all here with you, and you can do this!

02-24-2013, 04:59 PM
I knew I loved you guys for a reason. I feel like I'm already halfway back into the proper mindset! :grouphug:

Although, in my gusto, I tried power walking/jogging today, and I think I have shin splints....ow. Looks like I'll have to lose a little more weight before adding much jogging in, which is a bummer because I was looking at the C25k thing again. At this weight, I may have been overly optimistic about how to start, even though I have seen heavier people doing it successfully. However, I am still pumped about getting this massive weight gain off of these bones. I think I'll try finding a good-priced bike soon. Any recommendations? Drinking gallons of water today!

How did you guys get started or restarted after a long sedentary period?

02-24-2013, 05:24 PM
Hi Ophelia ! :hug: Welcome back. Loosing weight isn't for whimps. Congratulations on having the courage to get back up and try again.

02-25-2013, 02:17 AM
I'm just restarting but so far here are some things I'm doing/have done:

1. Return to 3FC
2. Count Calories every day but have no official daily limit yet.
3. Try to make a few healthy choices every day (water, take the stairs, get plenty of rest etc.)
4. Really enjoy my food - eat slowly and mindfully.
5. After success, add something else. Like after two weeks of successfully counting calories, I plan to add a very attainable calorie ceiling.
6. Celebrate the small steps and then take more steps.

02-25-2013, 06:44 AM
How did you guys get started or restarted after a long sedentary period?

I just started to make healthier choices and stopped drinking pop. I increased my hooping to 30 minutes a day. It wasn't till I had been making healthier choices for 2 weeks that I officially got on a diet. I also started wearing my pedometer again

02-25-2013, 07:25 AM
I'm going through the same thing right now,So I'm right there with ya! I let myself down months ago, I was on the right track and then I totally let myself down, hadn't stepped on a scale in months, and when I did I got a shocking reality check, and that was it. I cut out all the crap I'd been eating, and started eating healthier,tracking what i eat with the my fitness pal app and I'm slowly getting back into exercising, a little bit more every day... I'm trying not to get too down on myself for gaining so much, but focusing on the future and making sure I don't let myself fail anymore!

02-25-2013, 09:34 AM
Welcome back! Glad to see you.

I think most of us come and go as we are motivated or as we slip in our weight-loss journeys. The fact that you're back here is a great step forward to getting back in the swing of things. I've done it over and over again, myself!

The best way to re-start is to pick one or two easy steps in your plan, and do them. You're already in the motivated state, as evidenced by your return here. When I restart, I tend to begin with what I can easily control... breakfast. I make changes to that. Then to lunch.

Dinner is always the hardest, because that's when we eat out, or at least I'm eating with others in my family who have other tastes and may not want to eat what's in my plan. So I don't worry about that at first.

Get solid in the things you can easily control for yourself. For me, that's breakfast, lunch, and a short walk every other day or so.

Then you can work on the harder aspects, like dining out and parties, and the day to day grind of "What's for dinner?!"

And we'll be here every step of the way to help, to encourage, to offer advice (or a kick in the pants if it's wanted!).

02-25-2013, 11:17 AM
Welcome back and congratulations for making the decision to take your life back! I've been in your position (lost 60 lbs, then gained it all back plus an additional 6 lbs) and it's no fun. I've hid my head in the sand on weight issues for most of my adult life, and it took serious health issues and avoidable pregnancy complications to get me to face facts. But the first step is acknowledging that you need to get back on the ball, and you've definitely come to the right place for motivation and support. Good luck to you as you (re)start this life-changing journey!

02-25-2013, 07:00 PM
@marigrace: Thanks! I'm trying to see it that way, lol.

@rodeogirl: I have been trying to do the mindful eating thing the past couple days, and it has been helping curb my hunger a lot more easily. I feel more satisifed after eating, so it has eased any rush between meals. Great thing to keep in mind!

@Daimere: I got a free pedometer from a work function from my last job; I need to test it out again and see how well it works. I wonder how many steps I can get in this week? Haha.

@PolkadotManda: There's not much that slaps you in the face like a wake-up call on your scale...so, I definitely know what you mean! And, I need to look into that myfitnesspal app, because I seem to hear a ton about it. When I was losing all the weight before, I was using the LiveStrong MyPlate site, but it would be nice to have something on the go.

@Synger: That's very good advice that I will certainly be taking to heart. I will change NOW what I can change now and work on making the necessary changes over the next couple weeks to set up a permanent lifestyle. That makes getting back into the groove much less overwhelming.

@allieballiebee: Hiding my head in the sand is exactly what I did for pretty much all of 2012. I'm glad we're both back out into the light on the issue of our health! :yes:

02-26-2013, 09:17 PM
Chin up--things aren't as bad as they seem. You have your health, you're young, pretty and smart.

I started my current weight loss at 304 lbs. so you are already 22 lbs. less than where I began! It took me 6 weeks to lose that first 22 lbs. Think of where you will be in only 6 weeks--maybe 260? If you commit to a good plan, the weight comes off fast in the beginning and it's really rewarding.

My first action was to remove foods that cause me to get hungry. I had been on other diets in the past (as we all have) and the low-fat or low-calorie ones just left me starving, hungry and resentful. No wonder I couldn't stick to them. I didn't know that "fat-free pretzels" were just about the worst thing I could eat. Or that the "whole-grain bread" was really sending my blood sugar spiking. Besides the weight, a big clue that I was eating the wrong foods was the incredible drowsy feeling that I experienced after a meal--I just wanted to sit on the couch and take a nap.

Then I read all about the metabolic syndrome and realized that it described my body to a tee. I have higher blood sugar and a slow metabolism and high carb foods are the worst thing for me. It's also called glucose intolerant.

No sugar and no wheat (gluten) was the first choice I made. No more sandwiches for lunch--replaced with salads; no cereal, pancakes, waffles, or toast for breakfast--replaced with yogurt, fruit, and eggs; and no dessert after dinner--replaced with nothing (sigh). The first three days were very hard as my body adjusted, but then I simply wasn't hungry anymore. Of course I still love the taste of food, but I'm not feeling those hunger pangs anymore so it's way easier to stay on the plan now.

For the second part of the equation--exercise--I think your idea of getting a bicycle is terrific. I bought a bicycle 3 months after I started on the diet. They have such wonderful bicycles for women today compared to when I used to ride ten years ago. Get a commuter style bicycle--they have great gears, super comfy seats, and you sit upright. It's a good way to get back into the exercise routine.

I have since joined a gym and I'm doing toning routines and weight resistance to firm up. I plan on going to some of the dance classes after I get down to about 235 lbs where I know I will be able to keep up with the class.

All options are yours. As Tom Petty sings, "The future is wide open".

02-26-2013, 10:32 PM
Welcome back! We can do this again!

02-27-2013, 03:16 PM
Thank you, guys! You have all helped so much more than you know. :hug:

Palomino: That actually sounds a lot like me. I will have to look into the metabolic syndrome you're talking about. My mother is insulin-resistant and swears up and down that I am too, so I can see how that could correlate easily with glucose intolerance if what she believes is true. Seems I have some studying to do today! Also, thank you for the bike recommendation. Still on the hunt, so wish me luck!

NavyWifeDee: Thank you...and, yes we can! We got this! ;)