[mnckrstn0]

I don't know who to talk to about this so I decided to post on here and see what you all think! My boyfriend and I have been together just shy of a year. We both rent our own places right now, but he has been looking for a house literally since I met him. I've been helping him look, and the whole time he's been telling me he's going to find us a house. We agreed we need one with two bedrooms since we have different schedules and he often doesn't sleep well at night. Lastnight he finalized an offer on a one bedroom, one bathroom house. And today he told me he thinks we should just have our own separate places for at least another few years. This was after we had gone to Ikea and looked at all kinds odf wardrobes and couches and other things "we" would need for the new home. I am so unbelievably hurt by his sudden change of heart. I feel like so mislead and disappointed. I understand that he might just not be ready tomove in together...but why lead me on for so long? Anyways I haven't talked to him since he told me, but now I'm starting to second guess my reaction. Thoughts?

[livelaughlovesunshin]

Well I think it was a jerk thing to do to let you think that yall were going to move in together. I do think it was mature of him to not move in together while he isn't ready because that would just cause a whole load of problems.

[carbstart]

How frustrating! I'm so sorry. You know a wise woman once told me infatuation wears off after about 9 months (which was true for my current relationship). Then it should transition into something deeper and more connected if your relationship is on a strong path. I can understand needing two bedrooms, my fiancé and I certainly do, but he bought a place without including you in his plans. I would ask if there any other red flags in your relationship.

[novangel]

Ouch.

I'd have the same reaction to be honest. I'd be pissed. Are you guys still in your early to mid-20's or are you older? I'm glad he was honest (imagine moving in and then he decided it's not what he wants) but I would be seriously wondering if he was having doubts about just living together or about the entire relationship.

I'd have a heart to heart with him. I guess it would depend what you want out of life at this point. If you're fine waiting a few more years then that's up to you if you want to wait or not. Is he worth it?

[berryblondeboys]

Did you know he was putting an offer on this house before doing it? or was this all done on the sly by him and then he just informed you? That's a big difference imo.

[mnckrstn0]

Thanks for the replies guys. He's 33 and I'm 26. It happened that he went to look at the house when I was at work, and told me he really liked it. I pointed out that it only had one bedroom and he said he thought it was big enough for us both to live in it if we "worked really hard on it". In other words he's completely OCD about everything and I am not at all organized, so I took this to mean if I changed. I told him I would be really sad and disappointed if he got a house just for himself, but that It was his decision and he would have to do what he wanted. Later that day, yesterday, he got the house and talked as if we would both be living there...and then today we went to look at furniture and then bombshell.

[BreathingSpace]

Originally Posted by novangel

I would be seriously wondering if he was having doubts about just living together or about the entire relationship.

Agree.

And yeah, of course you should be upset, it's a strange thing to do after telling you he was finding a house for both of you and picking things out from Ikea.

if you want to stay with him, I would take this opportunity to TRULY CLARIFY what each of you want out of the relationship and what your SPECIFIC goals are together. For example, "let's try living together in 6 months" or "I don't know if I'll ever be ready to live with you", etc. This is the time to put it ALL out there.

But, as my mom once wisely said, "it takes a good year to get to know someone" and she was so right. I have literally had times where on the 12-month anniversary of the relationship with a new friend or boyfriend they show me their true colors.

[Remington90]

I personally would seriously re-evaluate the relationship,. Somethings not right here. It could be that he didn't realise how big of a thing it would be to move in together and it probably felt like the walls were closing in. HOWEVER, knowing that he had gone through all the 'steps' with you, I think he's not being honest about what his heart says.

If it were me in that position, I'd sit down with him and ask to set aside the idea of moving in together and him transitioning into this new house.. and to ask where he feels the relationship is going. If he hesitates or stutters AT ALL, that would be a huge red flag and I'd want some time alone and to myself. I'm not saying break up with the guy unrationally, but if my boyfriend did what yours did, Given the circumstances and how he planned WITH you beforehand, I'd probably be gone.

[Betba]

I think after a year of being together (and your both established adults) He knows if he wants to live with you or not (which is not). You guys aren't kids.... I would abandon ship. <3

[Doomkitty]

Maybe he was just afraid to tell you before? Just be thankful he spoke up before you inked a deal on a two bedroom house and moved in together only to have it all fall apart. A fairly large number of men assume that being honest in this sort of situation will result in emotional distress and a good number of them will try to avoid it. Being an "adult" has nothing to do with it either; we all say, think, and do things that don't make sense and no, that doesn't change with age.

Case in point, we've got a number of women reacting quite severely. Re-evaluate the relationship! Leave him! It's reactions like these that men seek to avoid. Now, whether you would have actually had a negative reaction or not, it's possible that he simply thought you would and was worried. Again, we all say, think, and do senseless things and you'll say, think, and do senseless things the entire duration of your life.

Now, having said that, have there actually been any other signs that he's lost interest beforehand? And I don't mean, "In hindsight, maybe..." I mean have there been considerable changes/problems before now? How has his behavior been after the decision?

Let me also point out/ask a few more things...

How has communication been between you two? Have you spoken to him about your feelings? What has he said?

In the past, has he ever had to "disappoint" you before? Shut you down in some way? How did you react honestly?

How much money was this going to cost? Ballpark? How much were you each contributing?

Also, he's been looking for a house since before you were in the picture. The fact that he's apparently been including you in those talks for a considerable period of time is kind of alarming. I wouldn't base such a big financial decision on a boyfriend I met under a year ago, I'm sorry. He basically said he'd alter his personal goal to include you and it seems he did so fairly early which was, IMO, a mistake.

I'm not trying to be the mean one here but...we're not talking about small potatoes, we're talking about a very large financial commitment. If it were hey, wanna move into my apartment, it'd be a smaller - although still sticky - situation. But an entire house? If there are no serious issues with the relationship, I say chill out. If you talk to him - and you should if you haven't worked this out yet and if you can't, you really *shouldn't* be living together - and you listen to what he has to say and he doesn't say "goodbye" or something leading up to it, relax.

[luckymommy]

Hey, I really feel for you.....just wanted to send you some great big giant squishy s.

[mnckrstn0]

We talked lastnight and he suggested we take a break for a couple of days...so I think you are all right about re evaluating the relationship! All the single ladies...put your hands up!

[Babybat]

im sorry, hope you two work things out and move in together if you two decide to get back together...

[novangel]

Originally Posted by mnckrstn0

We talked last night and he suggested we take a break for a couple of days...so I think you are all right about re evaluating the relationship! All the single ladies...put your hands up!

Well, there's your answer.

It sucks but be glad you dodged a bullet, the last thing you want is to be stuck in a mortgage with someone that is having doubts. Take the money you were going to spend on the house and go on vacation.

[elvislover324]

I didn't want to reply to your message too soon as I didn't want to be wrong in my gut feeling. It won't feel like it now but this is the best thing that could have happened for you. Thank God you didn't put your name on everything, invest $$ in everything, move in and then find out. This sucks and it's going to hurt for a while, even if you get back together after the break. But you are strong and you can get through this. We are here for you.