I'm sorry to come in and out and pop and go.. but I've been really struggling over the past few months. Perhaps I'm trying to hide from the cold naked truth that I haven't lost a pound and kept it off in the last 6 months? I don't know.
The truth of it is I'm struggling. I find excitement and commitment only to lose it like 5 days later. I can't stick to anything. I've tried EVERYTHING and I can't stick to any of it.
I think perhaps I'm just lazy - I don't want to do this anymore. It doesn't seem fair for me to have to slave over every ounce and focus on every bite of food that goes into my mouth.
I don't know.
But I just thought I would check in and share. I don't know a lot of you, but I do know some of you... and I just wanted to poke my head in yet again.
05-07-2003, 12:50 PM
hey you. i keep on you as much as i can. you do get *very* motivated on those days though, just try to keep it going!! you'll get there... we all will. we were smart enough to come here for support, right??
05-07-2003, 01:20 PM
Hi Beth Anne, so glad to see you!
About six months ago, I was EXACTLY where you are now. I was even to the point of lying about it to my family. i would tell them that I was really sticking with it, and then I would go order a Papa John's Pizza. I was hiding behind the brief comfort that food would give me. I so desperately wanted to lose weight but could not reach deep down inside far enough to give it a full hearted effort.
Then around St. Paddy's Day, something clicked with me. I joined Weight Watchers, and felt great because that was a first step that could help me make the next steps. I like the "controlled freedom" that WW gives you, and I loved trying new low cal recipes and that discipline led to gaining more discipline, and I started walking outside everyday. At last weigh-in I've lost 20 pounds (with a new total hopefully coming tomorrow!) :crossed:
At the heart of it all, for me it has become a journey with God. I would NEVER impose my beliefs on another person, but I remember you as a person of faith. For me, I talked to God about it, really, truly, and honestly, prayed about it, asked for His help and waited for Him to help me. And He did. He'll do the same for you if you want Him to.
:grouphug: You can do this ~ reach down deep inside where the real Beth Anne lives and it will click for you too!
05-07-2003, 01:23 PM
Hey BethAnne...There's a really cool thread on here called "yeah, but..." I'm going to pull it up for you and take the liberty of adding some "yeah, buts...." for you.
And I feel your pain about being sick of the struggle. Miss Chris started a thread on our lifetime relationships with food. Don't know if you've seen it or not, but I'm going to find it and pull that one up for you, too.
Stay Strong, Sister!:strong:
05-07-2003, 02:29 PM
Ya know, you would think that I would WANT To be thin because I'm getting shoved MAJORLY into the limelight now -
up front every Sunday at church singing and playing guitar with the worship team...
we started a band and we already have a few shows lined up...
I think I'm just hiding behind my fat - and the fact that right now I weigh what I did when Greg and I got married - perhaps holding onto the past too tightly?
I just feel like if I can just get into the 240s... I can get somewhere.... please oh please just let me hang on until the 240s...
05-07-2003, 02:58 PM
Hey Beth Anne...
I am having the same problems... what keeps me going? I don't EVER want to be higher then my highest weight. I know that attitude is not going to help me lose weight...but it keeps me coming here :)
baby steps Beth Anne... baby steps !
05-07-2003, 03:28 PM
Beth Anne, Dana... I'm so glad to see you two posting. You probably won't remember me, but I was so looking forward to seeing your posts again. I struggle so much, just like you Beth Anne. And I most definitely hide behind my weight. I've done pretty good the past couple of days. I decided to look in to the low-carb programs, as that seems to be a huge issue for me. I've been doing a lot of reading, spent 1.5 hours two days in a row at the grocery store reading labels, not caring what ANYONE thought of me as I was going through.... LOL! I've talked my husband in to trying to change things around here.
I *WANT* to lose weight... number 1. I know I *HAVE* to lose weight... number 2. I know that I am playing dangerous games with my health, and I want to be able to live a full life. And if I want to do that, I'm going to need to make my health a priority.
I am going to try VERY VERY hard to commit myself to things, and that includes this forum. It does me good!
Dana, how are things in the Green Bay area??
And whenohwhenohwhen do I get "senior member" below my forum name??? People with less posts have gotten "senior member", but not me.... *Waaaah*... And I've been around on & off for quite awhile...
Okay, so there's my little whine of the day!!! LOL!
05-07-2003, 03:33 PM
Hey Sandi K. -
I sure do remember you.
I'm trying to low carb it too - a modified zone diet of sorts... Just concentrating on not only the points but the actual WHAT of what goes in my mouth because I figured out I was cutting out all fats, including what my body needed, or sacrificing healthy food for something I wanted.
You can change your little title to whatever you want in the User CP area... so go to town babe! I have no idea when it switches automatically, sorry.
Glad to see you girlies (((hugs)))
05-07-2003, 03:38 PM
I think the real key to this is to remember that a lot of us are really and truly...
We just can't control ourselves. The scary thing is, unlike being addicted to alcohol, or drugs, or cigarettes, you can't just completely eliminate food from your life. You have to eat to survive.
What I have had to do is go through my house and get rid of anything I will "binge eat". I've gotten better choices for food's I just cannot live with out (such as no-sugar added ice cream). I fill up on "bulk" foods with low calories (such as broccoli, air popped popcorn). And I ask the people around me to watch out for me.
I also have learned I cannot let myself get too hungry - because if I do, I eat until I feel full, which is usally WAYYY past "really" full.
The whole point is, you can move on, and there are always new days. But, also, if you know you are eating too much, don't consider the day wasted, instead get back on track as SOON as you possibly can.
You are not alone... none of you are... we are all in this together.
Does this sound familiar? You posted it on 3-25-03.
BA - I know this journey gets frustrating. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair. Bottom line - it isn't fair - we all want to be naturally thin people. But you were right - we are addicts. And that is something that we have to accept. Our cross to bear. And sometimes it's ok to be tired of trying. But BethAnne - don't give up - Don't ever give up. Go and read some of your old posts when you first came here. Your excitement was addicting. Maybe re-visiting those feeling will help you get in touch with them.
05-07-2003, 03:40 PM
Whoa Sandi - that totally freaked me out. I said that? Wow. I guess I'm pretty smart. Time to take those smarts out and use them on myself.
05-07-2003, 05:21 PM
Hey Beth Anne,
I've been following up reading your journal for a while now, I hope you don't mind. You've been going through alot of bad times lately and I know that can sap ones motivation. Just know that there are people here who will be there to support you no matter what. All of us have had periods of time when we were very close to giving up.
One day OP will lead to 2 days OP...etc.
05-07-2003, 05:38 PM
We're behind you and here for you on the good days and the bad.
05-07-2003, 10:16 PM
You will cross the abyss when you are ready lady. Before then its just frustration. So find your way to hapiness and if losing weight is important to you, it will float to the top.
05-08-2003, 08:44 AM
You're forgetting the most important thing that you've done-you've kept off a forty pound weight loss!!! That is absolutely amazing-you know how many people lose weight and gain it righ back? You didn't do that. Congratulate yourself on what an accomplishment you've already made, instead of beating yourself up for it not being more. You must be doing a lot right to be able to keep it off.
05-08-2003, 09:13 AM
I am having a hard time also. The weight at 48 is coming off slower and taking more effort than ever before. It is very frustrating. I have tried it all in the last few months. I did Susanne Somers then Atkins and now back to Susan Powters. I don't think the diet plan is a real issue as they all will work if you expend more energy (calories) than we eat. I am finding that keeping popcycles in the freezer helps. Either fudgecycles or fruit juice popcycles or just plan ole' frozen popcycles (less than 50 calories each) has been a help to me. I borrowed the book by Dr. Shapiro (Picture Perfect Weight Loss) and it was helpful.
Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was a easy to lose as it is to gain?:(
05-08-2003, 10:16 AM
I thought I wrote the very first post you wrote because it sounded like me to a "T"
As you probably read and heard me say before, I've lost 150 lbs, kept it off for 13 years only to regain 80 lbs back (prob more I'm to ashamed to get on the scale) anyway what got me started eating was something tragic happened in my family, it triggered me to eat non stop !! I guess just like an alcholic would be after being sober for 10 years, it just took one really bad thing to set me off.
Okay its been 5 years now of me constantly eating since the event... I've said to my self while I'm eating, time and time again, I AM SICK OF DIETING !!! I don't want to watch what I eat anymore, I'm just tired of it..... This is okay to do.....well that put on 80 + lbs saying that to myself. I really just didn't care.
I am still struggling, been doing every diet under the sun. Ohh I'm good for a couple of days and then bam !! off the wagon again and eating 3x as much.
I know exactly what your going thru and feeling.
I don't know what to say to myself anymore but one thing I won't say is I'm just tired of dieting... I gotta get that out of my vocabulary.
I've been doing CAD since monday. I was on CAD about 3 years ago and was doing great until I got pregnant and well that was the white flag that said WHOOOHOOO you can eat anything now, you've got an excuse.. OY.
I've been telling myself lately and trying to pound it into my brain that I am not sick of dieting, I am indeed sick of being this fat !!!
I'm sick of being FAT
I'm sick of being FAT
I'M SICK OF BEING FAT !!
Hugs to you girlie, I hope you can get thru this low.
05-08-2003, 11:16 AM
Thanks so much girls and matt for all the support. I really appreciate it.
Matt - I almost went on the Walk for Hunger... I'm planning on finding another walk to go on, if I do one, perhaps we should try to meet up somewhere sometime to do it together! I'd love to meet up with you someday since you live so close to me :)
I've been thinking long and hard about why I am where I am today... and I've come up with a good list I think. Hopefully identifying the behaviors that are giving me troubles will help me overcome them!
#1 I'm at the weight I was when I got married. This weight feels safe to me. It's what I'm used to. It's normal. Greg finds me attractive to him again.
#2 I'm just flat out lazy. I don't drink enough water because I don't want to walk to the bathroom every 5 minutes, and have to walk all the way to the other side of the building just to fill up my water bottle.
#3 I allow myself too many excuses. "Well I'm stressed so I need to eat!!"
#4 I'm not strong enough to overcome my temptations. I had done really well yesterday, but I also had virtually cut carbs COMPLETELY out all day long, so by the time I got home I wanted sugar so badly I could hardly control myself. Luckily I just delved into a tub of Marshmellow Fluff and the damage wasn't too bad. But I need to work on being stronger so that I can fight off the cravings until I get past them, and that takes work, and like I said in point #2 I'm lazy.
I'm just going to work on doing this. I know I can do it, its just going to take some serious hard work. I've done it before, but I want to allow myself NO exceptions, and follow the plan to the letter EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I just work at it, I can do it. I'm removing those temptations again.
05-08-2003, 01:22 PM
BA, I wish I had the solutions to these problems. I have them too.
For me I know a big problem is that I feel fine the way I am. Physically I mean. I don't have any health problems because of being overweight so I even though I know it will be better for me to lose weight for health reasons in the long run right now there doesn't seem to be any pressing reason to lose weight.
I am lazy too. It is so much easier to sit on the couch or in front of the computer than get up and do some exercise. It is easier to stop at McD's instead of making a healthy meal at home. Unfortunately we are a society that chooses the easier and faster path.
I try to keep my motivation in focus but it is just too easy to get derailed.
I haven't lost any weight in months and in fact gained several pounds. I did manage to get those back off but I'm really no further ahead than I was several months ago.
It does help to come here as a reminder but then Ii wonder if I need reminding how serious am I about losing weight?
05-08-2003, 04:41 PM
You know sometimes we are in such a all out hurry to lose all the weight right now that we believe that we have to be rigid and strict. And we are but then when we "cheat" we are off the wagon. And back in the same boat again.
BA, I am in the same place. I don't have the desire to count anymore. I know I should - don't want to. But I do want to lose weight. So I am trying the change one approach in a simplified manner. I realized the other day - thanks to Dana (slimdown) that I was eating the whole day - start to finish. 2 cookies here, doughnut hole there - candy bar on the way home. No limits. None. It was a bad day and those don't have limits. So I decided to "EAT 6". Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack. I do realize that this will not cause me to lose the 150 lbs I have to lose. But I do believe that EAT 6 is something that I can do right now and do it EVERY day. Good day or Bad day I will always EAT 6. I am noticing that this is causing me to take the focus off food. Particially because I am eating what I want (pretty much) and there is no obsessing about what I will eat next. For example, this morning I had already had breakfast and was at a seminar. They had doughnuts. Usually I would have had one right when I walked in, but I thought, well, I can only have one snack, so I'll wait until break. And then I had one. Otherwise I would have had one when I got there and during break. It was a 200 calorie snack. Not the healthiest choice, I agree. So EAT 6 is a small change that I am doing for myself and there is no keeping track and no demands. Just a simple limit. Something that is not for my good days, but for every day - holidays, bunko days. Now if the weight doesn't budge, then maybe I'll elimnate excess bread. But I am just looking for 1 lb. a week. Nothing more. This time I will do moderation.
Ok, so now that this is a Novel, BA maybe you can find something simple to change. That way you'll be doing something. You don't have to be strict and rigid and lose it all now.
05-08-2003, 04:54 PM
Simple changes make a great impact. The one bite of food you leave, the further away you park your car, all those things add up. Don't doubt it.
05-08-2003, 07:22 PM
I just got a great book from the Literary Guild book club. It is a healthy eating book from Readers Digest. It is called "Change One." You add one good habit to your eating every week for twelve weeks, so it becomes a way of life and not a diet.
05-08-2003, 09:28 PM
I'm so glad I peaked in now. I'm in the same place you are and it's not a pretty sight. I'm depressed and eating, eating, eating. I think that my husbands leaving is finely kicking in! I was doing great untill I started to gain weight. I was OP and weighed in at a 3lb gain. Almost at my all time high! (279) I lost 5.5 inches that week and went down 1% in body fat, but gained weight. I was totally crushed. So I started to eat cheese cake and pizza and french fries, and what ever I could eat. I have eated so much today that I hurt. I feel like S*&#T!!
Anyway, I'm right there with ya hun!
05-08-2003, 10:19 PM
it's a long long road. and it's a lifelong journey as well. LOVE this eat 6 idea. it makes so much sense!!!! please keep us postedon this, dana and sandy...
and bethanne. i've been doing a whole lot of people watching and thinking over the past few weeks, and i've come to a major conclusion:
I'VE NEVER MET AN OVERWEIGHT PERSON WHO PUT HERSELF/HIMSELF FIRST IN THEIR PRIORITIES.
and those people i've told this to agree with me..
we have to change that. we have to become the priority in our lives. before BF, husbands, even kids [because if we're not there for them, that's even worse!!]
WE have to take care of ourselves, as we take care of others. we make sure everyone else is happy, eating healthy foods, exercising, getting a break from stress, whatever. but where are WE in this lineup???
and please don't think that i've got this down yet. i am paying so little attention to myself, and how i'm feeling that i haven't been taking my asthma meds and got yelled at by the lung doc when i saw him last week. and i just tossed dinner because i had too much time between meals and i ate a little too much a little too quickly...
so, here's my small step for taking care of myself: taking my meds [DUH!], and keeping track of my asthma symptoms. i generally pay so little attention to my body that i run into trouble before i notice.
so, if you - and anyone else - were to try paying attention to yourself, and putting yourself first, where would you start?
05-09-2003, 09:10 AM
Wow, what great ideas from everyone!
BA, that is so awesome that you are getting in the limelight and singing in your church's praise team. (I've always wanted to play guitar!)
Another thing is to find inspiration in your music. As you know, when you love music and especially make music, it runs deep, to the core and can be very healing.
05-09-2003, 10:49 AM
Thanks so much guys for all the encouragement and support and great ideas.
Right now I'm just trying to stick to Meal, Meal, Snack, Meal... and I'm going to be hitting lower points than suggested for my weight, and not really allow banked points. I'm also eating meals based loosely around the zone diet.
I've also been put on Paxil, and upped my dose about a week ago, and its absolutely helping me SO much.
I'm just trying to walk around more too, I brought a 24 oz water bottle to work, and make myself get up to fill it AS SOON as its empty, which does end up being a lot of walking because I don't think the water cooler could be ANY further away from me if it wanted to. ha ha ha.
I'm so happy today - and I don't think the success would be as sweet without you'all's support.
Thank you so much guys.
Today I reached an all new low for 2003 of 253 lbs. 240s, HERE I COME!! :)
05-09-2003, 10:59 AM
BethAnne! That's great!! Sounds like you have a plan now!!
A new low! WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!
05-09-2003, 12:06 PM
so glad to see baby steps...
keep it up... have to go to a meeting.
05-09-2003, 01:18 PM
I have not a whole lot to add to the wonderful things everyone else has already said. All I can do is tell you that everyone here has been where you've been, BA, and we know how it feels. *hugs*
As for me, I am trying not to be such an emotional eater. It's working in the opposite way this week, actually. I just don't feel like eating.