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Old 01-24-2013, 05:08 PM   #1  
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Okay, a little back story. I've suffered from depression, anxiety, and bipolar for many years. I've been on different meds, dosages, and combos and nothing has really worked, at least not long term, with helping me.

At times I go through really low periods when I just cut myself off from everyone and everything. (I know it isn't healthy, but can't help myself.) People who really know me, know this happens and are really understanding and and give me my space. Then, when I start climbing out of the abyss and see the sun, my friends are happy to see me and glad I came out unscathed.

I made a friend about 2 years ago and we met at the funeral of a mutual friend. She has been a very thoughtful friend, and even came to the hospital to support me when my sister almost died last year. This friend became friends with a long time friend of mine through Facebook. That is fine by me because I'm not some "friend hoarder" who can't share. (Trust me, I know people who ARE friend hoarders! )

At around the beginning of December I spiralled fast. I quit Facebook (told my friends I was leaving), quit watching news, and retreated into myself, only being available emotionally for my husband and kids. My husband knew I was struggling and knew I had cut off the outside world. He supported me through, like he always does.

About a week ago I finally felt good enough to reach out and touch the world again. I sent my two girl friends text messages (they do most of their communication via text and Facebook. Hardly ever actually call.) and Facebook messages. NEITHER of them replied to me, and both started posting FB messages like, "Don't make someone a priority if they make you an option" and "Lose some Gain a Lot...and I don't mean weight!" Both of them "lol'd" at the comments and "liked" them. Then one was posted today that said "I don't like you. My best friend doesn't either." I'm like, WTH?

I even apologized that my absence would have been taken as intentional avoidance, or that by not being available I hurt them. No reply. Nothing. From either one.

This past year was really hard on me. I moved to another state away from my family and my friends. I lost my best friend unexpectedly 11 Sep 2012. (Learned last night she had heart failure. ) My sister almost died and had to be kept in a medically induced coma. We started homeschooling and it is an adjustment. I landed in the ER because I felt like I was dying. (Wound up being low blood sugar and very low potassium levels.) I think all of this compounded my despressive nature and I just plummeted.

I can't imagine "punishing" any of my loved ones (or anyone for that matter) for taking the time they needed to focus on themselves so they could get better.

So here's my issue: I'm hurt that they would both be acting this way. I want to keep reaching out to them to "fix it." But on the other hand, it makes me wonder if they were ever really my friends to begin with, if I hit rock bottom and they turn their backs to me.

I have made contact several times, and apologized via text. (They won't answer their phones when I call, by the way.) I can just "hear" them laughing behind my back and talking crap. Paranoia, I'm sure.

Advice, thoughts please?
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Old 01-24-2013, 06:00 PM   #2  
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From your post it sounds as if you're out of high school and a grown women at this point. It's awful that your friends aren't behaving the same way.

You really do find out who your real friends are when you are down. I'm sorry you are going through that. It's childish of them, and to avoid future hurt by them you might want to think about distancing yourself from them.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:20 PM   #3  
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As someone who has never suffered from depression and only minor anxiety, I am not able to give full understanding advise. Well the facebook status updates are very very childish, I would have trouble being friends with someone who could just cut me out of their lives on a drop of a hat, even because of depression.

Unless it was my bestfriend, I would most likely back away from those friendships. Of course I would do it in a slow way such as not making plans and have it slowly taper off, and would never post about it on facebook. Well it is unfortunate that depression is very real, it can also create unhealthy relationships for those around you. Both my brother and one of my good friends have been in relationships with people who have suffered from depression, anxiety and bipolar-ism, and to see how much they (brother and friend) went through was extremely unfair to them and caused chaos in their lives.

However, these people seem extremely immature and it seems like your life would be much better without them. Anyone who resorts to acting like a 12 year old girl just to feel superior is not someone who you need in your life.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:23 PM   #4  
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Maybe I'm the odd ball. I fault your friends for behaving like children and not talking to you about this but I don't blame them for being hurt.

I completely understand anxiety and depression all too well but most people won't be understanding when you feel the need to cut them off completely at times without warning and then suddenly reappear like nothing happened. I have a friend like this and truthfully I find it very irritating. I understand you're struggling with mental illness (which is ****) but friends don't want to be shut in and out...and truthfully it's not good for you either. If this is the only way you can deal with lows (cutting people out) make it known when starting new friendships but expect to only keep a very few close friends. If you're on medication maybe talk to your Psych about having your dosage adjusted.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:26 PM   #5  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RavenWolf View Post

So here's my issue: I'm hurt that they would both be acting this way. I want to keep reaching out to them to "fix it." But on the other hand, it makes me wonder if they were ever really my friends to begin with, if I hit rock bottom and they turn their backs to me.

I have made contact several times, and apologized via text. (They won't answer their phones when I call, by the way.)
ahhh Facebook and social media, killing relationships one at a time! *sigh*

I would just leave it for now. If they haven't responded and they don't respond, why would you want to keep them as friends anyway? You did your part, now let them do theirs.

Friendships are a 2-way street - if someone feels like they are always the one making the effort, it can lead to resentment and eventually simply ending the friendship. That goes for you and for them. People have their own reasons for not wanting to be friends, it could have nothing to do with what you described above.
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Old 01-24-2013, 07:53 PM   #6  
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I absolutely do not condone the way these girls are acting on Facebook. However, I completely understand their hurt. My best friend does not have depression, but she does have the type of personality where when she is stressed out or overwhelmed, she retreats. Doesn't text back, answer the phone or return any calls. And it is frustrating as all ****! It's hard to be friends with someone like that, because friendship is a two way street. She comes back relatively quickly though and when she is around she is great, so I am learning to not take it personally.

More related to your situation, another friend of mine went through serious depression (she is bipolar) and seriously damaged many friendships. I did not speak to her for a few years, but one day she sent me an email apologizing for the way she treated me and took advantage of our friendship. By then, I wasn't feeling as hurt, so I was ready to accept her apology and move forward. Now we are really close again, and she is better.

My suggestion to you is since you have sent the email to apologize, all you can do is wait. You have said what needed to be said and realized you hurt them. Now it is up to them to decide how to handle it. Ignore the facebook posts as best as possible, and know that their behavior is ridiculous.

Good luck with everything!
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Old 01-24-2013, 08:31 PM   #7  
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I can totally relate. I have periods where I don't go out, call anyone or even bother with social media. I think it may be the reason I only have a few really good friends. The ones I consider good friends are the ones that we can go months without contact but the minute we r in touch again it's like we never had a break. I have tried to push myself to interact during my periods of darkness but it is pointless. My close family members are aware of my depression and accept it lucily. Now if a friend behaved like yours have I may not see a reason to socialize with them. It can be frustrating to someone on the receiving end of your depression or bipolar. I even feel like its starting to wear on my husband at times. It can be hard for someone to relate to a situation they have never been through their self. I notice the person I have the best relationship with is a lot like me. Anyway their behavior seems a little on the inmattature side, do u really want to continue associating with them. Yes your friend ws there for you during a stressful part of your life but plain and simple she isn't now. Ultimately it's your choice if u want to keep trying and continue to wait for a response, but I am sure u have better things to do with your time especially when u are having good days.

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Old 01-24-2013, 10:01 PM   #8  
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Not true friends. Never were. How sad that some now completely avoid personal contact: text or Facebook only. Sometimes the way you say something is more important than what you say. These childish "friends" will never understand compassion, empathy or have any real depth of character. No loss on your part.
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Old 01-25-2013, 03:39 AM   #9  
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So sorry that your friends let you down.
There are periods of time I am unable to get together with friends or chat on the phone but I would definitely leave a voice message,email or text.
I agree friendship is a two way street. Yes I might be going through struggles but in order for relationships to work whether intimate ,coworkers,or friendships all people's needs to be met.
I would not want to be a friend of convenience only-I'll talk to you when I feel like it only. I have sat on the phone many a hour helping friends by being a sounding board. My friends have spent countless hours being a safe place to fall for me too and this can be accomplished on the phone.
I'm probably dating myself but think of 2 kids playing on a teter totter in order for it to be fun both people have to put effort into it or 1 person is left hanging.
I can remember as a kid my mother said if you want to have a friend you need to be a friend.
Only you know if this friendship can salvaged .
I need to know that my friends have my back don't need to physically be present but if you are constantly ignoring my calls then what kind of relationship do we have?
All of us have problems that we have to cope with the difference is the way we handle them.
I would seriously seek out professional help to enable you to cope in your darker times.
You are concerned about your 2 friends think about the impact this has on your kids when they see this withdrawal this impacts the way they will view dealing with problems.
All relationships like plants need to be nurtured or they will die.
Good Luck, Roo2
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Old 01-25-2013, 08:03 AM   #10  
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Your friends are not really being friends to you. They are being very passive aggressive. They are not speaking to you directly, but making very aggressive statements on their feeds. Yuck, I'd de-friend them on the quick, what are you waiting for? It sounds like you're grovelling for them to be your friend.

That said, I had a friend who had bipolar disorder and I did have to stop being friends with her, sorry. She also would appear and disappear at her own convenience and so I tried to be understanding of it for as long as I could. But I have needs as a friend too, I couldn't just be her friend when she needed me and I had to think of my own needs. When she was ok it was alright but then suddenly she was spinning out of control. I know that sounds selfish but it is difficult to have a relationship with someone who is drowning. I let her know I couldn't be friends with her anymore, wished her luck and that was that. I most certainly did not ignore her, or make ugly posts about her. That's definitely not ok.

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Old 01-25-2013, 11:45 AM   #11  
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That's immature as heck of your friends. Once you're 17+ years old, you don't "get" to get mad at your friends for having preoccupations and lives.

The only circumstances I can see their anger and hurt being valid is if they are actively contacting you and asking for help and you completely ignore them and can't say "sorry having a rough time right now, focusing on myself trying to get better..."
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:29 PM   #12  
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Neither of them contacted me about having any issues they needed help dealing with. They know that if they did, I would have been there for them, no matter how crappy I was feeling.

I am always there when my friends need me from support, even to the point where they were told they can call me no matter what time of the day or night if they needed to.

I have to say that I hardly ever ask anyone for help. I feel really uncomfortable doing so, always have. So I think that if once a year I have a really low point and retreat to myself, I'm not being a "bad friend."

I even told everyone I was going to do so, so no one would worry, so they were well aware of how I was feeling and what I was going to do. It was no surprise.

I have to say I agree that being friends with a bipolar depressive person is hard, and for many not doable. However, I "fake" a happy face a LOT so as not to bring down my friends. I mean, who wants to hang out with gloom and doom all the time? I could "not" retreat and every text and conversation would be depressing and annoying I'm sure.

Feeling this way is not something I can just snap my fingers to fix. I wish I could. I despise how it feels.

I'm hoping to get in for an appt and find a doctor who can actually help me. I've done lots of counseling over the years, meds, etc. But this is the first year I have totally dedicated myself to healthy living, and I can see what a positive impact it is having on my mental health as well. Maybe this will be the best "treatment" for my issues!

Eating healthier these past 25 days has already left me feeling better over all and I have more energy than I have had in years! The daily exercise I do in the mornnings gives me a nice "happy boost" as well. Time will tell how things progress!

Thank you for all the replies!
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Old 01-25-2013, 06:36 PM   #13  
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I've got thoughts on this from both perspectives.

One- they should not be mocking you online, that's a type of bullying and speaks very poorly of them. That part I'm completely on your side about.

But- I have a friend who is very similar to you. She suffers from dysthymia and major depressive disorders and she routinely blows me off for months at a time. I'm not the most social person myself, and it hurts me beyond words when she just cuts me off like that. I had been there for her every single time she needed me. But the last time she cut me off, I developed an attitude very much like that post: Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option. Whatever her reasons, she has made me an option when I was making her a priority. While I'm aware she suffers from depression, I can only take so much of that myself. It's painful, and it leaves me floundering when I have issues I need a friend to talk to about and she's not there for me. I don't want to be the on again/off again friend at her convenience.

I would never do what your friends did- I would never mock her. And I do reply to her when she reaches out to me, but I am no longer emotionally invested in her. She's blown me off too many times for me to keep doing that to myself.

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Old 01-25-2013, 07:55 PM   #14  
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Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
I've got thoughts on this from both perspectives.

One- they should not be mocking you online, that's a type of bullying and speaks very poorly of them. That part I'm completely on your side about.

But- I have a friend who is very similar to you. She suffers from dysthymia and major depressive disorders and she routinely blows me off for months at a time. I'm not the most social person myself, and it hurts me beyond words when she just cuts me off like that. I had been there for her every single time she needed me. But the last time she cut me off, I developed an attitude very much like that post: Don't make someone a priority that makes you an option. Whatever her reasons, she has made me an option when I was making her a priority. While I'm aware she suffers from depression, I can only take so much of that myself. It's painful, and it leaves me floundering when I have issues I need a friend to talk to about and she's not there for me. I don't want to be the on again/off again friend at her convenience.

I would never do what your friends did- I would never mock her. And I do reply to her when she reaches out to me, but I am no longer emotionally invested in her. She's blown me off too many times for me to keep doing that to myself.
I agree very much with this. I can completely understand why your friends felt hurt by your actions, even if you can't control it and don't know how else to handle it and expect everyone in your life to understand - some people just aren't going to, and they're going to be hurt because they feel like they would never do that to *you*. Doing this to people does cause unintentional harm to your relationships, even if you never ever wanted that. If that is really the only way for you to deal with things, then you just have to explain that and hope that the people in your life understand - and some will, and some wont, and you can't really fault them for that. I've done this to people before and I've had it done to me before. It sucks. Some people won't accept going through that over and over again, because believe it or not they were attached to you and it hurts them. I say all this because I don't think you were totally faultless in the situation, and while you did nothing on purpose, these were just some of the people in your life that can't understand why you shut them out, even if you feel it's perfectly clear that its "you" and "not them". You can't expect everyone to accept that.

HOWEVER. I would kick those two to the curb. You're all grown woman, and that is a pathetic way to express themselves. They're acting like 14 year old schoolgirls, and not like adults. I don't appreciate those types of people in my life, no matter how upset they may be, don't act like a child. I wouldn't make any efforts to "win them back" if they feel the right way to handle situations like that / their emotions is to get together and gossip/passive aggressively talk about you, and making status updates they KNOW you will see, just to mess with you.
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:43 PM   #15  
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To be blunt, sounds like a couple of petty jr high girls. You are better off without them, really. Like ERDee said...that's basically online bullying!

They clearly DO NOT understand depression/anxiety/bipolar or any other mental illness AT ALL! Them being witches to you is like being a witch to someone for having any other illness. How would they feel about it if you didn't want to be with one of the because she was having a hard time controlling her diabetes? Or say you walked away from one of the because she was struggling with arthritis? Just because you can't "see" mental illnesses like the one you have, it does NOT make them any less real.

Depression is something that runs deeply in my family & I've battled it along with anxiety attacks. When I lost my absolute most favorite job, I spent nearly a year in a deep, dark depression. It took everything I had to just get out of bed. My depression was so strong that I physically hurt. Only person I had contact with was my hubby. He was so supportive, but he knew he could really do nothing for me. He had to be there & just HOPE that one day the woman he married would return. I can't tell you how many times I seriously thought about getting out of bed just to step in front of a speeding bus or semi. I didn't because I knew eventhough it had been basically a year it WOULD PASS.

People who truely love you & care for you will welcome you back with open arms. Those who don't...well, they don't. I have a relative who I felt was closer to me than a sister, boy was I ever wrong. Some "friends" are only there when THEY need you or want you around, if they don't need or want you...you're just a burden. Anyone can be a friend when things are going well & true friend is STILL THERE when the world is in rubble at your feet.

Yes, it hurts. But I'd kick them to the curb. You need REAL friends. You need UNDERSTANDING not pettiness. Their actions are basically kicking someone who is just getting back on their feet. Not nice. Hopefully you can find friends who have KNOWLEDGE & COMPASSION when it comes to mental illnesses.
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