Weight Loss Support - No support from husband just want to give up.




KandiGC
01-16-2013, 09:31 PM
I am trying to lose some weight. In July my family is taking a trip to Disney World and I would like to lose enough weight to be able to walk around and have fun, and not be miserable. I was down to 217 lbs, but my dad passed away in November and I gained some weight. (My diet wasn't important to me at that time) So I have decided to go back on my diet, and I have been doing great writing down calories watching everything I eat, no regular pop. Last night I had to run into the store to pick up a few things for my toddler and I ended up grabbing some shortbread cookies. I was good and careful tho, I only had 3 (which was 1 serving) and I wrote down the calories. But when my husband saw that I had them he got mad and said "Theres no reason I should be buying cookies and he didn't want to hear how I was trying to lose weight, if I was eating that junk." I went to my moms for Christmas (he chose not to go) but I needed to be with my family after losing dad. He told me I needed to remember that just because there was food there that I didn't have to eat all of it. He weighs 150 lbs, but I have never been thin, and I know he has always had issues with my weight. But when he says that I just want to give up. I am just wanting to go home tonight and eat cookies. I get so frustrated..

Sorry just wanted to vent, anyone else deal with unsupportive spouses? Do you ever just want to give up?


bargoo
01-16-2013, 09:38 PM
I don't think unsupportive is the word for it. I am not sure what word is suitable here, but it looks like he is actually tryng to support you but doesn't know how to do it.He doesn't seem to be trying to stop you from dieting. Is there any way you can diet without talking about it ? I would try to not talk about dieting at all to him, that will cut down on some of his comments.

berryblondeboys
01-16-2013, 09:46 PM
I have to agree with Bargoo - Sounds to me like you are insecure and he's not good at saying things in an insecure way. Next time explain, "I know cookies aren't the best choice, but I accounted for them in my totals for the day."

I know for me, I had to tell my husband to back off when we were first married. Sure I gained more, but I told him that I didn't want to get to hiding food as that would make the problem even worse (sneaking foods). And we both learned - he likes his wine - he would rather not eat a cookie to have his wine. I would rather give up the wine to have a bit of chocolate here and there, and so on. WE ALL have our vices, it's just learning how to control them.

But relationships are about communicating - seems the two of you could work on that one a bit so that you grow together and not apart.


Mozzy
01-16-2013, 09:49 PM
Your husband is being very unsupportive. Hugs

Don't give up, you can still make your goal in time for Disney. Be strong!!!

HungryHungryHippo
01-16-2013, 10:55 PM
I'm sorry. I know what you mean. Some people who have never had weight problems have trouble understanding.
You know that saying, Good, Better, Best? It's hard to jump straight to Best. Maybe he'll get that.

bargoo
01-16-2013, 10:57 PM
Do not give up !

VermontMom
01-16-2013, 11:05 PM
It's good to have a safe place to vent isn't it!

First I'm very sorry about the loss of your Dad :hug: that is a very huge point in one's life and it sure can derail your diet plans. But you are back on plan now and that is great, and focusing on how much better you will feel on your vacation.

Real sorry about what your husband said, as the others said maybe he isn't so tactful about choosing better words to support you. I say DON'T give up!!

booklover
01-16-2013, 11:15 PM
I'm so sorry to hear about your father's passing. That must have been so difficult. Please do hang in there. I think your hubby wasn't being unsupportive as much as being tactless, which is common with men. Sounds like he is frustrated by your weight, but that is HIS problem, not yours. YOUR goal is to be healthy for YOU. I am encouraged by the discipline you showed eating only 3 cookies. I can't keep any sweets in the house or they become my dinner. So, I don't have them around.

Keep in mind that planning and moderation will help you stay on track. Eyes on the prize! Don't give up on YOU! Best of luck to you.

scoutycat
01-16-2013, 11:28 PM
It sounds like you need to have a leveling conversation with your hubby and set some boundaries. It's not his job to monitor what you eat. Maybe if you can give him some clear 'jobs' to help you (ie, don't suggest going out for pizza, be a workout partner, keep your mind off the food table at parties etc), and some areas that you need him to leave you alone on, you can get him to give you the support you'd like. When you see someone you love doing something over and over that you feel is very bad for them and making them unhappy and unhealthy, it can be an incredibly frustrating experience. Most men are not that great at being sensitive and thoughtful to begin with, so the frustration combined with ignorance makes for an ugly combination.

Radiojane
01-16-2013, 11:56 PM
This is my guy to a tee. He really thinks he's helping but he makes my want to cry sometimes.

Skinny people, especially men, tend to see dieting in absolutes. So those cookies to your man equalled possible failure. And chances are he's ultra sensitive to anything that might upset you- like failing at weight loss, because he saw what you went through emotionally losing your dad. I guess what I'm saying is, he's coming from a place of love.

I'm sorry about your dad. I've lost mine as well, and I think it's amazing that you're strong enough to take charge of your health right now. That speaks volumes about your strength of character.

Nocturnica
01-17-2013, 02:07 AM
I agree with everything bargoo had to say! And honestly, does it matter what he says? No, the fact is, you want to loose weight for yourself, not for him, and you can do this! Just keep on doing what your doing!!!

Babybat
01-17-2013, 02:15 AM
I have to agree with Bargoo - Sounds to me like you are insecure and he's not good at saying things in an insecure way. Next time explain, "I know cookies aren't the best choice, but I accounted for them in my totals for the day."

I know for me, I had to tell my husband to back off when we were first married. Sure I gained more, but I told him that I didn't want to get to hiding food as that would make the problem even worse (sneaking foods). And we both learned - he likes his wine - he would rather not eat a cookie to have his wine. I would rather give up the wine to have a bit of chocolate here and there, and so on. WE ALL have our vices, it's just learning how to control them.

But relationships are about communicating - seems the two of you could work on that one a bit so that you grow together and not apart.

^^ I SECOND THIS
:hug:

XLMuffnTop
01-17-2013, 10:56 AM
I'm sorry for the loss of your father. It must have been a very difficult experience to go through. :hug:

Regarding your husband, I agree with with berryblonde that it sounds like he's trying to help in a man way. :) I would try telling him in the most specific way possible what you need in the way of support. Maybe a gentle reminder, or help preparing healthy meals or just a hug and a reminder that you're beautiful. Don't leave anything to interpretation.

If that does not work, you may need to make your food, weight and decisions regarding them are off limits for discussion.

KerriLeah
01-17-2013, 11:41 AM
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. That's so difficult to bear.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. He had weight loss surgery years ago, then a correction to it that made him deathly ill for almost the first year of our relationship. I cared for him daily, sometimes twice daily. Then we moved in together. Since he has a tiny tummy, he can eat from the spectrum of deliciousness and be able to stop, physically (mentally he doesn't always want to, but different topic). So we have treats in the house that he craves. I tell him when I'm trying to make healthy choices, and for the most part he is supportive (eating his bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup and chocolate chips all over it) while I have my Skinny Cow ice cream bar. But he doesn't shove things in my face or anything. It is hard at times. I ask that when we go eat somewhere it is a place where it's possible to make a healthy choice. Which doesn't always happen.

But ultimately, it's our decision to be healthy or not. There are a million temptations every single day, and when it comes down to it... we choose what goes into our mouth. My bf told me that, as well. It was pretty profound, although he was being a smarta**... but after I thought about it, it's true. We choose what we put into our mouths and how long we sit on our behinds every day. I can shnozz on ice cream and chips all evening in front of the sofa, or I can have a piece of fruit and walk around the block.

But, support is nice. And needed. We aren't invisible and neither should our needs and desires be invisible. So our health choices are not vacant and unwarranted, and maybe the best thing to do (as I give myself advice about this at the same time) is to sit down with our mates and explain how we feel when certain comments are made. And explain what we feel a good support would be from them...

CIELOARGE
01-17-2013, 02:18 PM
If anything those words would motivate me even more! I would be like "I'm gonna show this *&^%$@** that I can lose weight even if I eat the whole thing of cookies" (twinkly diet anyone?)

It seems to me like (and please don't get offended) that maybe you are just not ready or fully committed to lose the weight and are looking for an excuse, if that's not the case at all, please forgive me.

At the end of the day is calories in vs calories out, if you want to eat a burger and cookies and still be below 1500 that's your choice to make. Just ignore his comments and keep moving forward, you will find plenty of people to discourage you and tell you mean things along the way... might as well get used to it ;)

KandiGC
01-17-2013, 04:39 PM
Thanks everyone for your replys. You all are probably right. I didn't go home and eat the rest of the cookies. :cb: I guess everyone has bad days. It's just he will say that then will drive by Mcdonalds the next day and ask me if I would like a double cheesebugar. lol But ultimately it is up to me, and I should just keep everything that deals with my weight to myself. The only person I am trying to make happy by losing weight is myself and when it comes down to it that is all that matters.

berryblondeboys
01-17-2013, 04:50 PM
I know it took a while for my husband to get on board and he was scared. Scared because he didn't want to have hope and be hurt himself again and scared because he didn't want to do the wrong thing.

So, in the beginning, when I was seeing success and feeling better, he was so "blah" about it. He didn't notice a difference. Didn't comment on what I was doing.

But, after I really got going and he saw my determination, he was super supportive. He realized that I had found ways and things that worked for me to be able to do this long term. He didn't freak out when I said I was taking December off in 2011. I went right back to it.

This winter, I gained a LOT and quickly. One day he came to me and said, "How much did you gain? I can see it in your arms and your waist?" I could see that he was tentative about mentioning it, but he wanted to be supportive too.

I had already "gotten back with the program" , so I didn't take it to heart and get mad at him for telling me I was getting fatter. I WAS! I just said, 'Yes, I've gained quite a bit, but I'm working on it." And he smiled and left it at that and he can see it's already getting better.

Sometimes, really, being the "other" is the hardest place to be - they can get in trouble for NOT saying anything and get in trouble for saying something. And I'm sure it is really, really hard to watch their loved one self-sabotage.

Now that I've been through so much of this, I can see a lot more from his eyes, which I couldn't do when I was at my heaviest.

LdyMc
01-27-2013, 09:24 PM
First I think he sounds very unpleasant (not going w you to holiday gathering after u lost you father ????). And second, I think I personally would do my best to stop caring what he thinks!

shcirerf
01-27-2013, 10:26 PM
Sounds to me like your husband does not understand the difference between a lifestyle change and a diet.

When you make a lifestyle change, you can have a few cookies now and then, as long as you count them. You did.

A diet, well that's something I hate. That is deprivation, and starvation and not a good place to be, and something that you go on, and will some day, go off!

I also have a Dh who was skinny minny, and healthy as a horse until a few years ago, when he developed a bad case of A-fib. While he's still not in an overweight situation, he has finally come around to the healthy eating side of things.

Fast forward, he no longer gives me any crap about what I do, in fact, he is incredibly supportive. And he tolerates all the lean chicken, in the best interest of his health. And he does not whine, about my gym time.

Perhaps a good sit down and long talk about a healthy lifestyle instead of a diet is in order.

In my experience, most men do not get this. Men tend to see black or white, while women are more tolerant and see shades of grey.

I do have a brother in law, who is incredibly overweight and pre diabetic. He has asked me for help, and he is trying, but he just does not get it yet. He's trying, the thing is he does not have a clue about how to live a healthy life style. It's ironic, I'm at a good weight, maintaining, and my MIL says I'm guant and peaked and pale, yet at the same time she told my BIL, his diabetes issues are what you get for being fat. My MIL, bless her, I do love her is not exactly the perfect example of health.

In the end, you just do what you need to do for you, and blow the rest of them off. :D

forreal
01-28-2013, 12:25 AM
Kandi--

My SO is not an asset to me in regard to weight loss either. We've had "the talk" many times to no avail. I've learned to accept it - my decision. He's not going to change. So I do my own thing and eat whatever I chose to and if he eats with me, fiine; if not, I've got left-overs for the next day. :D If he makes a comment about something I'm eating,I don't "take the bait" - I just keep doing what I'm doing. No arguments.

We just have to learn to take care of ourselves -- and thank goodness for this site! Hang tough!

shcirerf
01-28-2013, 12:29 AM
Kandi--

My SO is not an asset to me in regard to weight loss either. We've had "the talk" many times to no avail. I've learned to accept it - my decision. He's not going to change. So I do my own thing and eat whatever I chose to and if he eats with me, fiine; if not, I've got left-overs for the next day. :D If he makes a comment about something I'm eating,I don't "take the bait" - I just keep doing what I'm doing. No arguments.

We just have to learn to take care of ourselves -- and thank goodness for this site! Hang tough!
"LIKE":D

Robin41
01-28-2013, 01:39 PM
Look at it a bit from his point of view. If you're like most of us, you've talked for a long time about taking off the weight but haven't done it, now you've started working on it, but what he sees is that you're still buying the same foods that helped you get fat in the first place. This probably seems like all the other times that you've started and not followed through. (and who hasn't done that?) To him there's a disconnect between what you're saying and what you're doing. To him, maybe you would like to go to McDonald's; after all, you were just buying cookies so maybe you're not still dieting.

He needs to understand what your plan is. Is it smaller portions, is it low carb, whatever it is, he needs to see how you're staying within that plan in order to take it seriously.

But what it really comes down to is that every decision about what you eat, and how much, is entirely up to you and you need to own it. He's not holding you down and forcing you to eat McD's and he's not holding you down and forcing you to eat vegis and lean protein. Your body and your responsibility.

Fluffypuppy
01-28-2013, 03:32 PM
I had a similar (but not mean) comment from my dad today. As I was making my cucumber sandwich at his place for lunch, I couldn't resist and ripped off a tiny piece of his cold cut and ate it. He said "for someone who's trying to lose weight, you sure eat a lot." I didn't say anything. I wanted to say "I don't need the diet police!" I mean come on it was probably 25 cals at most.

I agree with Robin, explain to him what your plan is so he understands that a couple cookies can fit within it but that maybe McDonalds can't.

JollyGreenSteen19
01-28-2013, 05:37 PM
I agree with other posters in that I don't think your husband is being unsupportive, but I think he is choosing his words poorly. You can still eat within your limits for the day and include junk food, and even have completely off bad days sometimes (because you are human) and still lose weight.

I know I get really self conscious when I let people know I'm dieting. Including my husband. I feel like every little bite of this or that is scrutinized. I even had a co-worker at a break room birthday party come up to me and ask me if today wasn't a day for dieting because I was eating chips and brownies. All that matters is that you're doing what you need for you, and continue to lose weight. If he wants to be a rude *** about it, then you can show him!

Radiojane
01-28-2013, 05:37 PM
I had a similar (but not mean) comment from my dad today. As I was making my cucumber sandwich at his place for lunch, I couldn't resist and ripped off a tiny piece of his cold cut and ate it. He said "for someone who's trying to lose weight, you sure eat a lot." I didn't say anything. I wanted to say "I don't need the diet police!" I mean come on it was probably 25 cals at most.

I agree with Robin, explain to him what your plan is so he understands that a couple cookies can fit within it but that maybe McDonalds can't.

I think we need to start recording these things and playing them back so the speaker can hear what comes out of their mouths. I had a woman compliment me on my loss today and then say "Just think, if you ate this healthy before you never would have gotten that big!" :smug:

Fluffypuppy
01-28-2013, 06:08 PM
Radiojane---ugh! Seriously?!?

Radiojane
02-04-2013, 12:25 AM
Yep. She meant it as a positive comment too. She's a little dotty though.

Roo2
02-04-2013, 08:04 AM
Sorry about loss of you Dad::hug:
Hang in there :hug:
Good Luck with your weight loss:kickbutt::kickbutt::kickbutt:
Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

deb2799
02-05-2013, 04:07 PM
Sometimes men just don't get it. hang in there and try not to let him get to you!

curvynotlumpy
02-05-2013, 04:32 PM
I think we need to start recording these things and playing them back so the speaker can hear what comes out of their mouths. I had a woman compliment me on my loss today and then say "Just think, if you ate this healthy before you never would have gotten that big!" :smug:

Radiojane, I *think* it's Madeline (sp?) on 3FC who long ago posted a perfect verbal reply to exactly what you've suggested. Something along the lines of "I can't believe you just said that. I'm so embarrassed for you." Of course we both know that many awkward situations fittingly deserve that reply ;)

nichole87
02-05-2013, 04:46 PM
I think that a lot of the other chicks gave you somegreat advice. Just remember that you're not doing this for anyone other than yourself! Men sometime say things that they interpret as "helpful" I believe that they don't really get how emotional it is to go through weightloss.....better communication would help greatly I'm sure, but most of all, his frustration with your weight isn't your problem, nor should you feel guilt from a cookie...I'm sorry about your loss and I'm cheering you on...you can do this!!!!!